02x04 - The Court

[bunniefuu]

I want a lawyer.

I want to talk more
about ex-husband Carlos.

You know, I kind of expected him
to look more like this guy.

Now, I could understand
why that guy would need

to buy himself some citizenship,
but this guy? Whoo!

I'm pretty sure he could get

any American woman he wanted for free.

Wh... He's nobody to me.

He's a pretty good dancer for a nobody.

My question is... how is he as a kisser?

Good enough to ditch
your husband and kids

in the middle of the day?

- How did you get that?
- Social media.

It's like a D.I.Y. surveillance state.

But, seriously, how is he as a kisser?

[All Cheering]

Can't believe we're finally doing this.

- I know.
- You ready?

Very. It's been too long.

- It really has. And guess what.
- What?

- After this...
- Yeah?

- We're gonna order a pizza...
- Yeah?

And spend the rest
of the day consummating.

You know we're almost always here

when you're talking, right?

Would you let them have,
like, one moment alone?

Thank you. Right?

Come on. Let's get some.

All right.

Yo, dude. Yo, downtown.

♪

♪ Whoo-hoo ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo ♪

[Gavel Bangs]

I will now hear the divorce arguments

of Camacho vs. Randall.

Should we have got a lawyer?

Psst! Good luck.

Why... [Gavel Bangs]

Ms. Randall, you are the defendant.

Defendant? What are you talking about?

Uh, hey. What the [Bleep] are you doing?

Your Honor, if it pleases the court,

it's late on a Friday.
I got Mets-Yankees tonight.

So what say us just cut
to the chase, yeah?

Hey, what's going on here?

I thought this was, like,
a no-fault divorce proceeding.

I'm sorry. You are?

I'm her husband.

Actually, it is I who
are her husband, Nate.

Yeah, it takes a little more
than a legal document

to call yourself a husband, pal.

Actually, that is the literal
definition of a husband.

Exactly, Your Honor.
And I intend to prove,

beyond a reasonable doubt,
that this lying, cheating...

- Can I say "whore" in here?
- No.

Lying, cheating hooker of a woman

owes my client a boatload of damages.

What the hell is going on here?

Your mom just got served.

Served? I haven't even ordered yet.

- [Gavel Bangs]
- Order!

Uh, cheeseburger, please!

Shh, shh, shh! Your Honor,

this is clearly a ridiculous
attempt at extortion.

Yeah, and joke's on you, pal,

'cause we got nothing to extort.

- Oh!
- Oh, yeah.

And this guy... he can't sue me
for anything,

because we weren't even
in a real marriage.

I'd like to see you prove that.

Would you like a flashback
of my whole life?

Ugh! We're doing this again?

♪ Somewhere behind the skyline ♪

♪ There is a place I'm thinkin' ♪

[Distorted Music Plays]

[Horns Honking]

[Click]

Mrs. Randall, what year...

.

Did you meet your husband?

Oh, sorry. I thought
you were gonna ask me

when he was born,
'cause I know that one.

What month?

Meet or birth?

- Meet.
- This one.

It was love at first sight.

And what city was he born in?

San Miguel de Allende.

- "Ay-en-day."
- That's what I said.

- And you met?
- There.

And then we came back here,
and... the rest is history.

Okay. What is his favorite color?

Well, that's a trick
question, because...

grown-ups don't have favorite colors.

Well, your husband was pretty definitive

that his favorite color is orange.

- Sí. Naranja.
- Hmm.

In fact, it was the only
definitive answer he gave.

[Chuckles]

What does he eat for breakfast?

Oh... eggs.

- Chinese food.
- What?

Tattoos?

No? No... Ye... No, no. No.

- Yes.
- [Laughs]

A rose on his left buttock.

I... Sorry. We haven't gotten that far.

It's... We're taking it slow.

Does he prefer charcoal or gas grills?

Who discusses that kind of stuff?

- Real couples.
- Oh. Okay.

Fine. Then charcoal.

- Gas.
- What?!

[Laughs]

Who prefers ga...
I mean, except my husband.

This is not a joke.

If you have entered a fraudulent
marriage in an attempt

to obtain citizenship for Mr. Camacho,

he will be deported, and you
will go to federal prison.

And right now, this does not
seem to me like a real marriage.

You see? Wasn't a real marriage.

It was a business arrangement they had.

He got his green card.

She got her college tuition paid for.

They didn't even consummate
the marriage.

This isn't Medieval England.

A sexless marriage is still a marriage.

Ain't that the truth?

From your lips to my
atrophied sau-seege.

Oh!

I'll remind you, sir,
this is still a court of law.

Okay. So strike that sh*t
from the record.

Ms. Randall, you do understand

you will be incriminating
yourself on several crimes

if you admit to a fraudulent marriage?

Statute of limitations.

It happened such a long time ago.

Oh, I can't go to jail.

I will not let you go to jail for me.

My heart is racing. Feel it.

Oh! That was so dangerous.

Is your heart racing?

♪

It is now.

I like your accent.

- Mm.
- Mm.

No. No.

No! No!

Can I object to this? I object.

Overruled. Relevance.

On what grounds is this relevant?

I'm here to decide

whether this transactional relationship

transformed into something more.

Did it?

I'm so sorry I didn't tell you.

No!

No! God, no!

Oh, that's so gross!

Are you kidding me? You're sorry?

Oh, God.

Oh.

Oh, come on.
It's not like you've told me

about all the girls you've slept with.

- Yes, I did.
- No, you told me about two,

and then I stopped
asking after those two,

because it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter because
there were no others.

Oh, really? What were you?
A monk in a coma?

You've slept with more
than three people.

I haven't.

You sure you want that on the record?

It already is.

How long did this go on for?

Uh, just a few months.

Let the record show that these two

spent most of the next three months

constipating their marriage.

We barely left her place.

Oh-ho-ho! You spent days
in the same place together?

That's depressing.
How did you even function?

It's New York. Everyone delivers.

[Sighs]

A large plain pie and a box of condoms.

Thank you.

You pizza-and-F'd with him?

- Yeah.
- Are you kidding me?

Pizza and F'ing is our thing!

I can't believe what I'm hearing.

You shouldn't be hearing any of this.

We've been hearing this the whole time.

Where did you think we were?

I don't know. In the car. I forgot.

Sweetie, it's perfectly normal

to have multiple partners
before you settle down.

Three is more than enough.

Don't. Stop. Don't do that.

It's how you learn what you like.

No. This is not a teachable moment.

You two, come on. Let's go.

I have a right to hear this story.

It doesn't concern you.

But what are we supposed to do out here?

I don't know. You're kids.
Entertain yourself.

Drink from the water
fountain or something.

So, in summation, I.N.S. officer
Richardson concluded...

and I quote... "I thought this
marriage to be fraudulent",

but upon my second visit,
I left feeling that theirs

"is the most passionate
marriage I have ever seen."

- Sounds pretty real to me.
- Yeah, me too.

Your Honor, she has admitted

to the legitimatation
of this union under oath.

- There is no legitimatation.
- Why? 'Cause it's not a word?

No, because I haven't
told you the whole story.

Well, now is your chance.

♪

_

_

Hi. I'm, uh, checking in.

Robin Rabinowitz.

- Rabinowitz?
- Yeah. It's a fake name.

Yeah, I know. It's a terrible fake name.

You don't look like a Rabinowitz.

What's a Rabinowitz look like?

You know... with the... No.

I'm not gonna... No. Trap question.

And how long will you be staying
with us, Ms. Rabinowitz?

Um... just... a few hours.

Oh, my God.
Why were you at an hourly motel?

[Sighs]

Because I needed to make money.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

No offense. [Groans]

You're looking very good.

Oh, thanks.

Oh.

So, um... what... what do we do now?

You just... Yeah, sit down.

[Both Laugh]

I got this all under control.

I cannot believe that I had
children with a whore.

Hey! I don't want to be a stickler here,

but I really hate that word.

And I prefer you not use it.

Well, you know what I hate?

Having found out that I had
children with a woman

who works in the sex-trade industry.

Congratulations, Raju.

You just bought yourself a
loving, devoted American wife.

And that is gonna get you a green card.

Now, with this purchase comes
a simple city-hall ceremony,

some tasteful wallet-sized
photos of myself,

two I.N.S. interviews,
and answers to questions

that will be asked in those interviews.

Now, just so there's no confusion,

I'm gonna answer for both of us.

So memorize it, study it,
know it like it's real life.

Your mother's name is Irene.

And your favorite food is hamburger.

I can't eat beef.

Well, you can now,

'cause we met at a barbecue
cook-off in Houston.

Oh, sweetie, that's adorable,

but we're never having sex... ever.

How many more of these were there?

A few more.

My name is Virginia Montana.

My name is Dakota North.

My name is Georgia Rivers.

Larry and I here are in love.

We met at, of all places...

A barbecue cook-off in Houston, Texas.

Where we discovered our
mutual love for hamburgers.

Cooked on a charcoal grill,
'cause, I mean...

[Laughing] Who in their
right mind would prefer

their burgers to be cooked
on a gas grill?

- Nobody.
- Nobody.

His favorite color is red.

His favorite color is blue.

His favorite color is brown.

His favorite color is...
a picnic blanket.

His favorite flower is a rose,

and he's got one tattooed
on his left buttock.

Left buttock.

Left... buttock.

Look, I know Russians get a bad name.

I know the Hutus get a bad rap.

I know these people
get a bad name, but...

He shanghaied my heart. And I am so...

so happy... to have found...

- Khaleb.
- Khalid.

He's in . billion.

I'm so confused.

Why didn't you just get a normal job,
like at a Blockbuster or something?

'Cause I wanted to make
more than $ . an hour.

Why? You were only . Who cares?

'Cause I had responsibilities.

Responsibilities? Like what?

Vanessa. Hey, kiddo.

Vanessa, wake up. Sorry, babe.

This is all they had.

NATE: I don't understand.

- She raised me, dumb-ass.
- Yeah.

Our piece-of-sh*t dad walked out on her,

and her mother was an idiot.

Robin sacrificed everything for me.

- I paid for her college.
- I didn't go to college.

What?!

What?! Where did all that money go?

I don't know.

Do you keep track of
every $ , you have?

It was $ , .

Exactly. Case closed.

Could we not make this
about you right now, okay?

This is about me.

- No, it's not!
- Exactly!

It never is.
Nobody ever thinks about me.

It's all Nate and Robin, Robin and Nate.

I'm a much more complicated character

than anyone gives me credit for, okay?

Sit down and shut up!

Whoa! Don't talk to a lady like that.

Especially a hot piece
of ass like this one.

Do you know how hard it
is to raise a child?

And she raised that all by herself.

She didn't do it by herself, dumb-ass.

Carlos!

- Oh!
- You have to leave.

Brought you...

[Gasps]

Her name is Noonie.

In my country, that is what
we call an afternoon delight.

This way, anytime your sister
calls for little Noonie...

I come running.

Come on! That did not work!

He's such a douche.

I know.

Then why?

I think it was the accent.

What is it with you and ripping things?

So I can do this.

Oh, God. Stop. I told you I hate that.

It's weird, scratching, and gross.

Sí. It makes your breasts
red, Petirroja.

[Laughs]

You... you thought it was "bird."

[Laughs]

He would just come and go, literally.

No, you can't take my Jimmy Eats World.

Well, I'm taking the Blind Melon!

I introduced you to Blind Melon!

- Do you remember that?
- I do.

You just took him back
time and time again?

It was terrible.
It was like a roller coaster.

- Oh, sí, Rachel!
- What?

- Robin. Robin.
- What?!

- Robin. Robin!
- Oh, you piece of sh*t.

You can take your Rollerblades

and roll on out of my life!

No, no, no, no.

I didn't do a crossword
for, like, four years.

That's what I am to you?
A boring crossword?

I love crosswords.

- Nobody loves crosswords.
- I do, and you know it.

Did you or did you not love my client?

Did you?

Boom! Love is in the air.

I got you, you lying sack of sh*t!

There it is!

Ladies and gentlemen of the
jury, admonishment of guilt.

Um, let the record show,
there is no jury.

Oh. Well, I knew that.

It's just sh*t you say in court.

Babe, I am so sorry I didn't
tell you about any of this.

But listen to me. You can't
let them break us apart.

We bend. We don't break.

I know. And I love you.

[Gavel Bangs]

Time for the respirations, Your Honor.

We want half.

You want half of what I had?
Great. Take it.

'Cause I didn't have anything.

[Speaks Cantonese]

[Speaks Cantonese]

What the hell are you
guys talking about?

- [Speaks Cantonese]
- [Clicks Tongue]

[Speaks Cantonese]

Talk English!

He said he wants her ass.

Your Honor, he is claiming
rights to an object I own,

but I only obtained
after we were separated.

What is the object?

_

_
It's supposed to be an ass.

Beckany: Doesn't look like an ass.

I told you... my father
deals in the black market.

That's all you need to know.

This is just making me really anxious.

Then take another one
of your happy pills.

[Sighs]

Look, I don't see what
the big deal is here.

Just go to the drop, park
the car, and walk away.

Why can't you do it?

Because I'm paying you to do it.

Now get in the car.

Seriously, Becky...

Becky? Becky?

Beck... Beckany, where else

are you gonna find this kind of money?

This is just really freaking me out.

Look, I'm not gonna ask you
to do this again.

This is the last time. I promise.

Good, because I have
been scared straight.

Oh, I'm gonna move back to Syracuse.

What are you gonna do in that sh*t-hole?

Normal stuff.

I'm just gonna find some nice guy

who... who plays hockey or something.

You want to meet some Upstate meathead?

Yeah. Just some boring
guy with a boring job,

who drives a boring blue minivan.

And I want kids.

I want two of them... a boy and a girl.

And it will just be us.

Us against this crazy world.

You stole Beckany's dream life?

Are you a sociopath?

Hey, I fully support you having
the most boring life ever.

That's our life you're sh1tting on.

It sounded really shitty at the time.

But you don't get that life
until you do this for me.

[Engine Starts]

Becky! What the hell?!

[Horn Blaring]

Oh, sh*t. Oh, sh*t.

- What's going on?
- Nothing. Don't...

- Oh, sh*t!
- Don't look at her.

Oh, is that... I've never
seen a dead body before.

All right, come on. Come on.

We're leaving this life. Come on.

Whoa.

Why am I not having any
kind of emotional reaction?

What does that say about me?

This isn't about you, Vanessa!

What is that?

It's our insurance policy.

What about dad? Isn't that his?

Oh, no, not anymore.

We're gonna take this

and we're gonna go
get our sh*t together.

Come on. Come on.

Vanessa!

Oh, my God!

- Vanessa!
- Okay!

Help me!

So, you are still in possession
of this piece of "art"?

Yes, Your Honor, because it's mine.

- Ours!
- Mine for us,

because Carlos and I
were separated at the time.

And you never saw him again.

- No.
- Well...

God damn it!

_
[Dog Barks]

_
Petirroja.

[Sighs] How did you find me?

[Gasps] Daddy!

No, he's not... That's not your dad.

That's not your dad.

- I need you back.
- I'm going to a funeral.

And I wanted to be here for you.

- No.
- Come on.

- No.
- Oh, my God, guys. Get a room.

I'm gonna pick up a guy at a bar.

No. Vanessa, don't do it.

It's Syracuse. They're all losers.

Come on, Sabres. Do the right thing.

The Buffalo Sabres have
selected Drew Stafford.

No! No!

Drew Stafford?!

Can you believe that?! Drew Stafford?!

Come on, Sabres!
We need help on the blue line!

You're leaving
"Game Over" Green up there?!

What is wrong with the Sabres?!

[Burps]

♪

'Sup?

You like hockey?

I guess.

Carlos, I told you... we're done, okay?

- Never again.
- Noonie.

That is the name of a cat.

I miss Noonie.

Oh, my God.

I want a little noonie.

[Sighs] Don't, don't, don't, don't.

Please don't rip it.

I didn't bring anything else to wear.

God, it's that stupid accent.

Every time, every time.

And that noonie doesn't matter,
because it all happened

before I met her later on
that day at a funeral.

And we've been together ever since.

I'm sorry. How did you wind
up going to this funeral?

Uh...

Okay.

Easy, easy, easy, easy.

Yeah! Do you want to go to a party?

I guess so. Oh, sh*t!

- That's irrelevant.
- Very.

And you and Mr. Camacho

never re-engaged in your "relationship."

- Never.
- Never.

Okay. Mr. Camacho,
this marriage is unique,

to say the very least.

But the both of you have moved
on in the last years.

And it feels like this ass
does belong to her.

Sorry. Did... did we just win?

I think we... I think we just won.

- We never win.
- I know.

- What's going on?
- [Laughing] I don't know.

What is this?

Do we need to sign something or...

Oh, sh*t! You're kidding me.

And this is real?

Oh, sh*t! No way!

Why didn't you show this to me before?

Dude, you got to lead with this sh*t.

[Gavel Bangs]

- Excuse me.
- What's happening?

- What is going on right now?
- You lost, bro.

Ho-ho! That's what's happening.

You lost.

We're the MVPs of this family.

This hallway blows.

I can't believe they don't
want us around, like always.

It's like... the most boringest
hallway I've ever been in.

Don't you ever think,
when we're cast aside,

we're missing out on these giant moments

in our parents' lives?

It's like all hallway.

I'm gonna find out
what the hell is going on.

JUDGE: Order!

[Gavel Bangs]

Knock that sh*t off.

I'm sorry. [Chuckles]

This is nuts, though.

Your Honor, in order to, uh,
further my client's claim,

I would like to submit

exhibit "why didn't you give
this to me before?"

Hey, whatever you're doing,
it's not gonna work.

Give it to me and it won't have to.

Hey, bend, don't break, all right?

Is your son named Jareb Parker?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

Mr. Camacho is claiming custody
of Jareb Parker.

What? How is that possible?

Out.

Noonie.