02x09 - The Dilemma

[bunniefuu]

J.R. Jack Randall,
father of Robin Randall.

Number three on the USPIS
most-wanted list. The Big Tuna.

He has broken more mail and
custom laws than anyone alive.

Well, except for number one and two.

The man that has the means to set up

a bogus operation like this.

I still don't see
how you didn't figure that out.

She told you. I'm an idiot.

Look, if you want J.R.,
just bring him in here.

Leave us out of it.
He's got nothing to do with us.

[Scoffs] Well,
that's not true, is it, Robin?

You know someone
who's been working with him

from the beginning, don't you?

I-I know I missed your birthday,
Gummy Bear,

but Daddy had a little run-in
with the law.

Here, this'll make it up to you.

This used to belong
to a famous Austrian princess.

[Sighs]

She's always be a princess to me.

Ah.

Why are we hiding these pretty diamonds?

You tell me, Gummy Bear.

I paid for this crown
with my hard-earned money.

But the U.S. government
says I can't bring it home

unless I pay them
something called a duty.

Duty. What does that sound like?

- Poo?
- Use your grown-up words.

- sh*t?
- That's it.

It's sh*t.

Why should I give % of what I paid

to a bunch of guys who don't
work half as hard as your daddy?

- Does that seem right?
- I guess not.

Exactly. It's just
a great big pile of doody.

♪♪

Hey, there, Gummy Bear.

- Why are you back?
- You're in trouble.

♪ Somewhere behind the skyline ♪

♪ There is a place I'm thinkin' ♪

[Distorted music plays]

[Playing "Mary Had
a Little Lamb" off-key]

They seem pretty thick.
Are you sure you can break them?

I can if I believe.

How the hell can the sh*t show
be here and not Mom?

This is a new low.
Where the hell is she?

I don't know. I texted her,
but she didn't respond.

- Call her.
- Oh, uh,

I deleted the phone
off my phone, for more games.

Delilah, are you ready?

Do I look like I'm ready?

- Um...
- I'm not!

How can I be the Princess
Ninja Starfish of Weird

without my crown?!

Why are you back? Why now?

Are you sick? Are you dying?

- They're watching you.
- Who?

g*dd*mn Postal Inspection Service,

- that's who.
- Oh, my...

- They know where you live.
- Oh, really?

The post office has my address?
Wow. Color me shocked, Jack.

I don't have time for this.

What time is it?

What? It's...

Wait. No.

Da... Wai... That's my phone!

I told you. People. Listening.

Here. For a new one.

- Get one of the pre-paid jobs.
- No. I don't want your money.

You keep acting like this,
you're gonna wind up in jail.

I have been clean for years, okay?

Now, I have to go
to my daughter's school

and watch her stupid talent show.

But I guess that's something
you wouldn't understand,

because it's a good-parent thing.

You were never in a talent show.

Never had any talent.

[Plays recorder]

Love you, Beth!

Okay. Next up... Next up,
we have Delilah,

A.K.A. Princess Ninja Starfish of Weird.

Whoo!

Where's your crown, Princess?

- [Grunts]
- [Feedback]

Oy.

A-one, a-two, a-three, four.

[Tapping]

♪ It's fun being weird,
it's fine being weird ♪

♪ It's fun being weird ♪

♪ You should try it sometime ♪

[Kazoo playing]

♪ It's fun being weird,
you should try it sometime ♪

♪ Juggling or even some mime ♪

♪ You know what's even weirder?
I'll give you a refresher ♪

♪ Something that helps
reduce high blood pressure ♪

- So weird.
- Yeah.

It's farting.

♪ What? Don't frown, it just went down ♪

♪ It's illegal to call your kid
something stupid in China ♪

♪ And girl kangaroos
have three vaginas ♪

♪ Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark ♪

♪ Which is weird,
'cause he invented the spark ♪

He invented the light bulb, idiot!

That doesn't rhyme with "dark,"
does it, Jonah?!

God. Such a douche.

♪ My brother wears orthotics ♪

♪ And I accept him ♪

No, I don't.

♪ And he accepts me
for my deviated septum ♪

♪ I don't have many friends,
and I don't win awards ♪

♪ But I'm cool with that 'cause ♪

♪ I can break boards ♪

Boards!!

Hurry up!

Aah!

- [Laughs]
- You suck!

It's 'cause I don't have
my g*dd*mn crown, okay?

[Laughter]

[Yelling]

Get off the g*dd*mn stage!

[Continues yelling]

Don't look at me!

I've had just about
enough of you today...

I've had enough of you for a lifetime.

Everything I did in my life was for you.

I was your mule.

Oh, six times, tops.

And then you made me a child bride.

You were . That's hardly a child.

- Yeah, but who does that?
- Half the world.

It's not like you were their real wife.

It was just free money
to pay for college.

Why couldn't you be
a father who made bad puns

and had slightly r*cist ways of
saying not-that-r*cist things?

Why couldn't you just be normal?

[Scoffs]

Normalcy is a quixotic pursuit.

- What?
- Have you been talking to Nate?

- Who?
- My husband.

Which one? You have so many.

And that's your fault, not mine.

Nobody else uses that word.

[Sighs]

- Sweetie, I have your crown.
- [Crown clatters]

Missing your own kid's talent show

is about the worst thing
you can do as a parent!

I know you're upset,
but it's not that sim...

I'm s... I'm just...
I'm so sorry, honey.

How did you do?
Did you break the boards?

I broke my [bleep] hands!

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

Don't ever talk to me again.

Sweetie, uh...

It's okay. She just needs to fart.

It lowers her cholesterol.

Or blood pressure. I-I'm not sure.

She's weird.

J.R.! Hey, man!

- How do you know him?
- I-It's... He's Dad's boss.

- You son of a bitch.
- Relax, Gummy Bear.

- A grandfather has the right to get...
- No, no! No.

- Shut your mouth right now.
- Grandfather?

Where's your dad?

Well, he had some work
stuff to figure out.

Okay. G-Go get your sister and go home.

I'll be home soon. All right? Go.

Go. Go. Wait, hold on.

I need your phone. I need your phone.

Go.

No, wait. Sweetie, where's
the phone on your phone?

I didn't know how else to do it.

You were struggling, you had nothing,

and you wouldn't take my money.

Uh, well, we still have nothing,
because it was all fake.

Listen to me.

- I'm leaving.
- Good.

Tonight. For good.

And if you were smart,
you'd come with me.

- Get the ass, and we'll fly to Cu...
- Hold on. Hold on. What?

The ass. Let me take it, keep it safe.

Oh, finally. Thank you.
Now I know what you really want.

Oh, no, no. You don't understand.

- I-I have...
- I'm going to the police.

- The police aren't after me.
- Okay, the mail police.

Don't be stupid. You'll just
be opening yourself up

to a whole series of federal charges.

Like what?

Customs violations.

Tax evasion.

w*r profiteering. It's a long list.

But I don't do that stuff anymore.

- Possession of stolen property?
- No, you stole it.

You have it.
You don't want to go to jail.

Well, if that's what it's gonna take
to get you out of my life forever,

then that's fine. That's what I'll do.

- I won't let you do that.
- Well, you can't stop me.

Listen to me. I'm your father.

You know what? Why don't you
talk to one of your kids

who actually gives a sh*t?

Oh, look. There's one now.

She could use your
attention and your money.

Hey, Vanessa. This assh*le
has something to say to you.

Yes?

You should zip up your jacket.

Makes you look like a hooker.

- Hey! Come on, hold up.
- Get away from me.

[Scoffs] I wanted to tell you.

You know, I'm used to this sh*t,

but poor Nate.
How could you do this to him?

I was gonna tell him.

My husband has one
of the most analytical minds

I have ever seen. Trust me.
He's already figured it out.

Nothing gets past him.

I just don't get it. I don't.

- What... What am I gonna do?
- What am I gonna do, Shelly?

Come on, guys. We all knew this
was a bullshit business, right?

- I didn't.
- It's called "Hoax-a-metrics."

It's called H ... Oh, sh*t.
How did I miss that?

I was the manager of worldwide shipping.

- I never shipped anything.
- Yeah, I didn't do too much, either.

I was home by : p.m. every day.

So was I, and I took a three-hour lunch.

My phone never worked.

My computer wasn't even plugged in.

God! For someone to manage
this big an operation

at the amount of returns he had,

that... that is...

That's quixotic.

Well... I'm gonna go home.

Got to spend some time with my kids.

I had a kid. His name was...

[Voice breaking] ...Bruce.

We're not seeing our kids.

[Crying] I know!

No, no. I... That's not what I meant.

I-I-I mean we're gonna stay here,

and we're gonna figure this sh*t out.

Together.

All right? As a team.

- [Shelly whimpering]
- Okay.

Okay?

♪

_

[Grunts] Look. Right now, we
got to start with what we know,

and that ain't a hell of a lot.
So every theory is on the table.

You know, when J.R. was in the office,

he was always arguing in Chinese.

- He was.
- O-Or... Or in Spanish.

- That, too.
- One time, I swear it was Wookie.

Okay, get real.
He's not a [bleep] space ape.

All I'm saying is that
this is a pretty big universe.

And if every theory's on the table...

_

♪

[Belches]

Look, no money in.

Lots of money out.

He is being challenged

by a wealthy, deceased relative
to spend a sh*t-ton of money.

We got ourselves
a "Brewster's Millions."

Why the Chinese?

Damn it!

China!

[Dart stabbing]

China!

They're our new enemies!

Bro, can we play darts?
On the dart board?

What'd you say?

Can we play darts on the dart board?

Darts?

- Yeah.
- Darts.

Yeah, me and my buddy
Bruce like to play darts.

[Shelly whimpering]

Bruce...

How can you think about darts

when that is happening?

We just like to play darts.

W-Why are you so mad?

Go ahead, man.

What?

_
You don't get it, Mike, okay?

I been... I've been with him
for three months, okay?

And... And the one thing
he says, family is everything.

Family is important. And I know that.

But I don't think it's that kind of
family, all right? I know that world.

I've seen "Goodfellas"
like a hundred times.

I didn't say Italian Mafia.
I said a Mafia.

Could be Yakuza. He speaks Chinese!

- Yakuza.
- Yeah.

- That's China!
- Guys, look at this.

The guy who registered our domain name,

he lives blocks away.

Ari Voo... Voo... Voo... V...

Shelly, you're in H.R.
How do you pronounce that name?

Sh-Shel... What is that name?

- Russians.
- He's got to know something.

They always do.

Everything bad starts in Russia.

- You're right.
- We should go.

- I hate these guys.
- We should go.

- Let's go.
- Let's go!

_

Here it is. Here it is.

Here it is.

Ari Voo... Voo...

Ari Voo... Voo... Voo...
What is his name?

We have answers! We want questions!

- Who do you work for?!
- Ari!

What the hell is going on out here?

- You Ari?
- Yeah.

- You're Ari?
- Yes.

- Okay, what are you?
- I'm a web developer. Why?

- This guy's !sis.
- [Stammers]

I'm Greek, you moron.

- Yeah.
- [Cellphone rings]

Hold on. Hold on, I'm getting a call.

This could be J.R. Hold on.

J.R. You're...

Babe? Yeah...

No, I got... I got... No.
I got something to tell you.

- I got...
- [Men grunting]

[Stammers]

Wait, wait. What number is this?

What do you mean a burner?

This is for Bruce!

No, he's my boss. That's not...

[Men grunting, shouting]

Well, that doesn't make any sense.

Stop throwing garbage!

Hey, guys, go easy, okay? Uh...

I may have been wrong.

!sis!

- So, he's really...
- Yeah.

- But how did he...
- I don't know.

I... I mean, it's diabolical.

Yeah. He's always done
this kind of sh*t.

[Sighs]

So, none of this was real?

Ah...

We should go. We're gonna miss our ride.

What? We're gonna take a tour bus home?

Yeah, I'm sorry. Do you want
to take the subway home,

like a rat? People belong above ground.

Okay. Let's take a cab, then.

I don't have a job.
We can't afford a cab.

That is gonna be way more expensive.

I bought a season pass
when I got here, okay?

You did?

What do you think, I'm an idiot?

Besides, it goes right by our house.

That's so smart.

Your husband has some good ideas.

So, where do you think your dad is now?

He's probably on a flight
to another country.

[Lock clicks]

- Hola.
- Hey.

My dad's not here right now.

- I know that.
- How do you know?

I track him on my phone.

- That's creepy.
- For business purposes.

May I come in?

My parents didn't say you were coming.

Do your parents tell you everything?

No. They don't tell us anything.

Ah. They really should.

Mom said not to let anyone in.

She can parent us when she's here.

I'm in charge.

- A-Are you...
- Our dad's boss? Yes.

No. Are... Are you really our...

Our dad's boss? Yes, dummy!

Oh, I'm a lot more than that.

Tour Guide: Fun fact, on your left
was the Jefferson Market prison,

the world's only art deco prison.

It was later converted
into a prison for women.

You really want to go to jail?

No, honey, I don't want to go to jail.

- But I might have to.
- There's got to be another way.

There's not.

[Plastic crinkling]

- For you.
- Where'd you get that?

Thought it would dull the pain.

It does.

[Can pops]

Hey, so what's the deal with that ass?

Oh.

Yeah. I can't tell you.

Okay.

What? You're fine with that?

I'm assuming if you tell me, it's
gonna incriminate me in some way.

And one of us has got to be a parent.

- Yeah.
- And unlike you,

I'm fine not knowing things.

[Whispering] What's he doing?

[Whispering] I don't know.

Bastards.

[Clears throat] So, um...

Have either of you guys
seen a rusty metal thing

about, uh, yea big, weighs a sh*t-ton?

Yes.

- Oh, so you know it?
- Y-Yeah.

Where is it?

I-It's somewhere, h-here.

You want to give me a hint?

- Up ahead of us...
- Cheers.

Above on the left,
the Chrysler Building.

Last possible night
with your ride-or-die.

Yeah.

What do you want to do?
You want to get a hotel?

- Walrus up on top of this?
- So expensive.

No. I don't have a job.

What if I offer you the back door?

What?

- What?
- Just no. I...

- It's clean.
- I'm sure it is.

I'm fine with the front door.

What if we try a threesome?

Come on. With who?

I don't know. Some dumb, cute girl.

Really? Some random stranger
on a bus? That'd be awkward.

No, it's actually really easy now.

- [Scoffing] It's not. Trust me.
- Watch this.

Excuse me? Hi. Um...

Do you think my husband's hot?

He's okay. Like, uncle hot.

- Mm-hmm.
- Sorry, what?

Yeah, you know, like, golf hot.

Golf hot? That's...

That's not hot.

- See? It's already awkward.
- No, it's going really well.

Um, my husband and I love your jeans.

Thanks.

You guys looking for a threesome?

- Holy sh*t. It's that easy?
- So easy.

How did you know it was that easy?

- Mom blogs.
- You guys have a nice hotel?

We're sleeping like five to a queen,

so I could splinter off.

- Can we do that?
- I...

I-I would...

- I would finish way too quickly.
- That's perfect.

We got in the lottery
for that B. Frank show.

- It's reinventing history.
- It's not.

It...

I can't. I'm sorry. I can't.

Then why did you compliment my jeans?

- She did.
- I was being literal.

Sorry. Sorry.

Well, they're great jeans.

They are great jeans. I meant it.

I just want you to remember

that you said no to that
forever and ever.

Maybe sometime in the future we can...

Nope. No. It's now or never.

I'm just not that horny

thinking about losing
my best friend, all right?

Maybe you'll find a new best friend.

- I won't.
- You might.

Start a new life, get a new wife.

'Cause I'm a sh*t show.

You certainly are.

But you're my sh*t show.

♪

♪ We could just go home right now ♪

♪ Or maybe we could stick around
for just one more drink ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Get another bottle out ♪

♪ Let's sh**t the sh*t ♪

♪ Sit back down
for just one more drink ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Here's to us, here's to love ♪

♪ All the times that we messed up ♪

♪ Here's to you, fill the glass ♪

♪ 'Cause the last few nights
have kicked my ass ♪

♪ If they give ya hell ♪

♪ Tell 'em go... themselves ♪

♪ Forget themselves ♪
♪ Here's to us ♪

♪ Here's to us. ♪

♪ Here's to us ♪

♪ Here's to us ♪

♪ Here's to us, here's to love ♪

♪ Here's to us ♪

♪ Wish everybody well ♪

♪ Here's to us ♪

You know, you don't have to do this.

I do.

It's the only way.

Okay.

I just don't... How...

How do I do this? What do I tell them?

Just tell them the truth.
They can handle it.

I know, but how do you say that?

How do you say
your mother might not be around?

Who's gonna teach Delilah how
to scare a boy into liking her?

I can do that.

What about Jared? What
if he realizes he's gay,

And I'm not there
to give him a great big hug

and tell him it's what
every mother hopes for?

- I don't think he's gay.
- I know.

I'm just throwing things out there.

I know. I...

We'll do our best.

Like we always do.

[Elevator bell dings]

You guys are gonna have a lot of fun.

What, you don't believe me?

Come on. Would I lie to you?

E ninja.

♪ Jump up, kick back
Whip around and spin ♪

♪ Ninja, go Come on, come on, come on ♪

♪ And do the weekend whip ♪

♪ Jump up, kick back
Whip around and spin ♪