02x11 - The Mule

[bunniefuu]

Your father has racked up
quite the rap sheet...

customs violations, tax evasion,

w*r profiteering.

It's a pretty long list.

So, you don't talk to each other
for years, you reconnect,

then all of a sudden,
you're driving down to Florida

to "get your kids back"?

You can see how, from our position,

that would seem a little suspicious.

We weren't going to Florida.

Well, where were you going?

Cooba.

Don't call it that.

What? That's how you pronounce it.

- No.
- It... It isn't.

They call it that.

They do.

They do.

[Sighs]

Ah, Cooba.

Te amo.

Tell me about it.

I slept in Napoleon's bed last night.

Like, the actual bed Napoleon slept in.

- How was it?
- Historic.

My feet hung off the edge,
but still, pretty awesome.

Oh, gracias, Carlita.

De nada, Señor Jareb.

I don't know why people say Cuba sucks.

It's awesome!

Uh, uno más, por favor.

¿Ah. Habla Español?

Uh, sí. Uh, poquito.

Bueno. Bueno.

Sí. Uh, más lobster.

Thank you.

Yeah, something's got to give.

Nothing good ever lasts for us.

You mean Mom and Dad?

Yeah, they're coming,

and you know they will ruin it.

That's fine. I miss them anyway.

Yeah, me too.

Where are they?

God, who boats to Cuba?
It's the other way around!

Yeah, I know, but it's miles,

and with the right boat,
we can be there in an hour.

Here it is... Australia.

Wait, you're using a fake I.D.?

I'm not gonna rent a boat
with a real I.D.

[Australian accent] Oh, no.
No, no. It's illegal, mate.

Come on, plea... No,
don't do the accent.

- Please just don't...
- It's all part of the part.

- Don't do it.
- You got to do the accent.

You don't have to do it.

[Breathing heavily]

J.R.: Do they still have it?

Yeah. They got it.

Still can't figure out
why they didn't fly.

It's a long-ass drive.

I want to impress upon
you the importance

of getting the ass here on time.

The man we're dealing with

has literally sh*t people in
the face for a whole lot less.

♪ Somewhere behind the skyline ♪

♪ There is a place I'm thinkin' ♪

[Distorted music plays]

♪

What ya fishing for?

Uh, does it matter?

Of course it matters.

The Spanish are hitting bare hooks.

They're running, man.
They're running hard.

We're not... we're not fishing.

Well, then, what do you need
a fishing boat for?

Uh, we're going to Cuba.

Oh.

No.

I can't let you do that.

Why not?

Just...'cause.

Mm, that's not an answer.

I know, but... you just can't.

You know we're not enemies
anymore with them.

[Laughs] Mate.

Mate, she's winding you up.

It's a joke.

- Ohhh!
- Yeah.

Yeah, she's a real card, this one.

So you are going fishing?

Yeah, definitely.

Yeah, we're gonna go out and, uh,

check out all the, uh, the reefs.

Oh, cool. Which ones?

Oh, all of them.

You know, the best ones.

Oh, you got to check out Dry Tortugas.

Oh, definitely.

Maybe even check out Wet Tortugas.

Yeah. Yeah.

We're quite the fishing duo, us two.

Pick us up some stripers out there.

Oh, you're not gonna find any stripers.

No, not this time of year. No. No.

But, uh, codfish, yes.

- No.
- No.

Oh, you know what we're gonna
get is, uh, uh, bass.

- No.
- No, not bass.

What I meant to say... pickerel.

- No.
- No, definitely.

But, uh, anchovies, they're fighters.

Yeah. Funny thing about fish.

So, you're definitely
not going to Cuba, right?

Oh, Cuba? No, mate.

Line up in the streets for butt wipes,

like a bunch of commies?

Yeah, uh, that's a little r*cist.

Ah, mate, I'm an Aussie.

It's not r*cist. It's honest.

Well, you're in Florida now,

home of political correctness
and rational thought.

- Yeah.
- [Chuckles]

Yeah, yeah, forgot.

Got a little beach brain.

- Mm.
- Yeah.

- Brain on the barbie.
- [Chuckles]

Hey, I get that.

We're also home to bath salts.

Yeah.

Yeah, unfortunate.

- You done?
- All done. Just about.

- Yep.
- Just about.

Got things to do.

Bit of a hurry.

You said you grew up on a boat?

[Grunts] Oh, geez!

Yeah, but down under.

You know, we tied the knots
on the opposite side.

Starboard side.

You're on the starboard side.

Ah, not in Australia, mate.

You know, everything's backwards.

Night is day, I'm you, you're me.

Love is easy, hate is hard, and such.

- Let me do it.
- Yes.

This one, she's good with the knots.

"Knotty," I suppose. [Naughty]

Puns are big in Aussie land.

[Engine starts]

Hey, mate, where's the gas pedal?

Hey! Come here!

Oh, oh! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, sh*t!

That guy's got sh*t for brains.

♪

Robin: All right, you're gonna take a...

You're going to go left at the island

that, uh, looks like a horse.

It's not gonna look like a horse
at this angle!

Is there a speed limit for boats?

No.

This is awesome!

Yeah, I mean, it's just a boat.

I know, but I feel like I'm a boat guy,

so that's extra-cool for me.

Really? 'Cause you just
crashed this into a dock.

Yeah, but I got the hang of it now.

We should get a boat.

We should get our kids.

We... Would you give me
five seconds of fun

without making me feel like an assh*le?

- Sorry!
- Thank you.

- God.
- It's cool.

Speak English, please.

Your Cantonese accent offends me.

That's fine, 'cause your English accent

gives me the giggles.

[Chuckles]

What do you think that's all about?

I don't know... secret business stuff?

Zhi: You can guarantee shipment
to my client's ranch in Wyoming?

I'm sorry. Guar... Guarantee what?

Shipment.

So... Sorry. What?

You know what I said.

Don't worry about it.

Importing is sort of my specialty.

My client would like to be able
to do certain things to it.

He can s*domize it, for all I care.

Get it?

S*ddam-ize it?

[Chuckles]

This leads to concern about
the completion of the trophy.

The last piece is on its way right now.

The mule must bring the ass.

What is that, one of those
"Confucius say" things?

No. That's what needs to happen.

I speak English very well.

You're such a d*ck.

Sheep-ment.

[Chinese accent] "Can you
guarantee my sheep-ment?"

[Normal voice] You bet.

[Latin music plays]

Nate: Ahh, Cooba.

Don't... Don't call it that.

It's what it's called.

Well, for idiots, maybe, but...

Doesn't look how I imagined it.

- Where's all the old-timey cars?
- Yeah, that's Havana.

This is a fishing village
like miles up the coast.

[Groans] I got to
put this down for a sec.

God.

What'd you say?

Ah, that's wasted on me, man.
I don't speak a word of Spanish.

I'm actually kind of embarrassed by it.

How do you say "embarrassed" in Spanish?

I don't speak Spanish.

You speak Chinese, but
you don't speak Spanish?

It's a really easy language.

You add an "a" or an "o"
to the end of every word.

Yeah, I'm... I'm embarrassedo.

Embarrassedo.

Oui, yeah.

- What?
- No, not her.

She speaks like a million languages.

It's me. Me embarrassado.

Yes, very.

Muy embarrassado. Like, all over, man.

I'm... I'm... I'm embarrassed by it.

I-I should've studied in school.

Hey. Come on. Let's go.

Would you give me a minute?
We just got here!

This isn't a vacation!
Our children have been abducted!

And there's no ticking
clock, is there, okay?

They're not strapped to a nuke.

Okay, just give me a second
to enjoy this before it's ruined

by dumb, fat Americans
who think they own every...

Oh, my God. I love that hat.

- Can I buy this hat?
- No!

I thought you were fine with a white man

trying on other cultures' hats.

Not when it makes you
look like a douche!

- This makes me look awesome!
- It doesn't!

Hey, man, how much for this?

Yeah, I know it's a sombrero.

How much? I want it.

What, ?

Is that U.S. or Cuban?

Oh! Now it's .
Oh, I get that game, pal.

Which is it, or ?

Sweetie? You want to stop haggling?

Um, that's the culture down here, okay?

Okay, listen, basta too mucho, okay?

I'll... I say .

I look like I can afford ,
but I'm out of work, so...

sh*t.

Oh, sh*t!

Nate.

That... It's that...
God, he's tenacious.

Come on. Go. Go, go, go, go.

Are you kidding me? God.

I would've rocked that hat, bro.

Nate!

I'm coming!

Go! Go!

♪

Okay, all right.

This is feeling a little more like Cuba.

Still not a vacation.

You know, pastel buildings,

pineapples for sale in the streets.

- Stay focused.
- These guys.

Don't talk to them.

- Hello.
- Don't... Don't.

- Revolutionaries.
- Nate.

- Americanos. We're legal now.
- Shh! Shh! Come on.

- Don't sh**t-o.
- Stop!

What? Oh! We should get
something for the kids.

We don't have time to stop
and get anything for the kids.

Poster of Gael García Bernal.

Here, let's take this.
Jump in and take this taxi.

Old-timey cars! Yes!

- Come on. Get in.
- What? Where's the driver?

- I don't know. Do you see him?
- No.

So, uh... [Whistles]

We can't just take it ourselves.
It doesn't belong to us.

No, it belongs to the government.

They just rent it out
from the government.

What does it matter
if we pay or they pay?

Just throw some money in it.

Okay, all right, all right.

Yeah. Obviously.

? Yeah? For how long to rent?

The half-hour? An hour? ?

I bet you I can get him down to .

sh*t. Come on, come on. Get in, get in!

- Throw money in it.
- Okay.

Uh, I'm gonna give you
a basta... , all right?

- Cool.
- Hey, come on.

- Come on!
- Yeah.

[Grunts]

[Engine starts]

- Go, go, go, go, go, go!
- Okay!

Nate, go! They're coming!

Whoo! All right! Yeah!

[Laughing] Yeah!

These are cool. Look at these.
These make me look cool?

- You can't pull them off.
- That looks cool.

Hey... Oh, look at this bar.

Man, I bet you Hemingway drank there.

- We should stop and get a drink.
- Oh, you want to go...

- You want to have a drink?
- Oh, sh*t!

- Ah, sh*t!
- You want to have a drink?

That's bad on the car.

Yes. Where am I going?

Just keep going straight,

and then you're gonna take a left.

- Left here?
- Yeah.

- Here?
- Yes!

[Grunts]

Ah, sh*t!

Damn it. What do I do?

- I got to reverse.
- Yeah, go back.

- [Horn honking "La Cucaracha"]
- Oh, no! No!

Go back!

Back up! Out of the way!

I'm reversing!

Ah, crap. What do I do?

I don't know. Just plow through it.

Haven't I crashed
enough vehicles for one day?!

Those things are made for
destroying, like in the movies.

I'm not gonna smash through this, babe!

It's for the children, Nate!

God. Why do I let you do this to me?

[Tires squeal]

- [Tires screech]
- [Groans]

- Oh, boy, we really made a mess.
- Keep driving!

We got to go back and apologize!

Nate, if my dad gets ahold of this ass,

we lose all of our leverage.

Go! Keep driving!

[Engine shuts off]

Oh, what happened?

What?

- What happened?
- I don't know. What happened?

You broke it!

I was sitting in the back!

You told me to do it!

- [Engine sputtering]
- Go!

Oh, boy.

Oh, they're mad.

Oh, boy.

- Get out.
- Yeah.

Get the ass.

Okay.

- Get the ass, babe.
- I got it.

- Oh, geez.
- Oh, my God.

Careful, man! I'm sorry!

Sorry. Sorry.

Nate, Nate, Nate!

[Mob shouting]

- I'm sorry!
- [g*nshots]

I'm sorry!

I didn't mean to!

Oh, damn it!

It's private property.
We can't go through here.

Nate, it's Cuba. How many times
do I have to tell you this?

It's all for the people.

Oh, my God, it's...

- [Electricity crackles]
- Aah! Ow!

Ohhhh! That's electrified!

- God!
- Did that hurt?

Yes!

Sorry. I think you might
be being a little dramatic.

- It's just...
- Oh, am I?

'Cause electricity
usually suggests "Keep out."

I think it's more the animals stay in.

So...

Nate: Not gonna make it.

That big ol' butt's gonna get caught.

That thing's gonna get zapped.

You gonna get zzzapped!

[Electricity crackles]

[Laughs]

[Grunts]

I told you it was gonna hurt.

It didn't hurt.

It smarted a little bit.

Hurt a lot.

It smarted.

- I'm not gonna fit through there.
- Yeah, just do what I did.

I don't do yoga, okay?

I work.

- I'm going over.
- No, babe.

- Yep. Yep.
- Why don't... You know what?

I'm gonna circle back around.
You take a rest.

This one first.

[Grunts]

Whoa! One down.

- Sweetie.
- Here comes the champ.

- I-I don't think you can do this.
- Phew!

Honey, you're not gonna make it.

I used to do hurdles.

- When?
- In middle school.

Babe, you're white. You can't jump.

Oh, no?

That was barely a hop.

What's that? What... What are you doing?

Stretching.

That's not... Honey, that's not...

Oh, God, that's not a stretch.

Come on. Have some faith, woman.

Whoo!

[Exhales sharply]

Get some!

Whoo! Boom!

I got...

[Screaming]

[Electricity crackling]

Help!

[Groaning]

I can't. I can't, honey.

You're... You're a conduit.
Just roll through it.

[Grunting]

[Screaming]

Get to the other side.

You're good. You're good. You got this.

You're mak... ing it w-w-w-worse!

[Sighs]

- Hey, babe.
- Mm-hmm?

You okay? You okay to keep going?

Yeah. Yeah. I just need, like,
one more minute.

- Okay.
- Just to sit.

All right.

Oh, my God.

Do you hear that hissing?

Hmm?

[Hisses] You hear that?

It's probably just an iguana
or something.

Iguanas don't hiss. They grunt.

- How do you know that?
- Everybody knows that.

- Nobody knows that.
- [Grunting]

That's an iguana.

You got zapped real bad.

It's probably electricity
in your head, huh?

- You don't hear that?
- I don't hear...

[Hissing]

I hear you doing that.

I don't hear... That's all I hear.

Okay, well, if you get bitten
by a snake, not my fault.

Okay.

[Hissing]

Hey!

Jackass is screaming about something.

He looks pissed.

Yeah, 'cause we're in
his field, probably.

Well, yeah, but we're lost.

- We're lost.
- We're not gonna hurt you.

Sorry.

Come on, dude. You don't want this.

- Oh, God.
- Is that dynamite?

- [Bull lows] - I don't know.
- Oh, my God!

He's gonna k*ll that bull!

What are you doing?!

I got to save that bull.
I got to save that bull!

Nate! Nate!

[Bull lows]

Ohh!

Holy sh*t!

[Spits]

Oh, babe!

Ohhh.

What the hell did you just do?

Seriously!

What is your major malfunction?!

You just k*lled a bull!

Look what you did!!

This is the height of animal cruelty!

Yeah, if Cuba had a PETA,

we'd be on the phone
with them right now!

I know you guys are trying
to step into the "modern era,"

but you got a lot to learn
about how we treat our animals!

You... are... a monster.

Monster.

That's for that bull.

Oh...

♪

[Breathing shakily]

[Insects buzzing]

God.

Buzz off.

God. I think we're lost.

No, we're on target.

I feel like we've been here before.

Oh, I'm sorry... were you raised by

an international trafficker
of illicit goods?

No, I was raised by
an insufferable alcoholic twat.

Exactly. So why don't you relax
and listen to me?

Because I know where I'm going.

You sure about that?

Oh, well, sh*t.

What's up, man?

[Crying] Oh, God!

We just walked in a six-hour circle!

It's okay. It's okay.

Oh, my God!

I am so tired!

I'm not blaming you,
even though it was your fault.

It wasn't my fault!

It's okay. It's okay.
Just lay down, okay?

Just lay down and relax.

Please don't tell me to relax!

Okay, okay! Okay!

We're gonna be fine, all right?

Oh, I don't feel so good.

I know. I know.

I'm just gonna go wash
this mad cow off me and, uh...

Okay.

I'll try to find us a ride
or something, okay?

- Okay.
- All right.

- Give me a kiss.
- I can't.

- I can't do that.
- I know. I know. I smell. I'm sorry.

Okay, shh, shh, shh.

[Crying]

Oh, this is... this is so nice.

[Sniffling]

[Sighs]

[Speaking Spanish]

Hey-o.

Hello-o.

Hey, I had a little accident.
I got bull guts all over me.

You wouldn't happen to have
any soap, would you?

Yeah. To wash.

- Yeah.
- Sí, sí?

May I have some?

Yeah.

S'il vous plaît.

That's sopa, for washing?

Yeah. I get it, okay?

It's just... it's weird.

So... that's communism for you, right?

Thank you.

Not much of a lather to this thing, huh?

It's doing the trick.

You know, it's funny...

I used to work in topical surfactants,

but I have never seen
a sopa like this before.

It's weird, but it works.

Yeah. That's working nice.

Ahh.

I like the spice to it.
It's like an Old Spice.

It's nice.

I got to say, I thought it was weird,

but I guess you
communists are all right.

♪

Well, well, well.

Look what we have here.

[Chuckling] Hey.

J.R. Man, what's up?

I knew you'd find us.

That's great.

That's a hell of an ass.

You're telling me, brother.
It's the velodrome.

She cycles like a fiend

keeping it in shape for this guy.

I get some.

No, it's just another fat American.

You better get used to
seeing him around here, amigo.

♪