02x12 - The Ass

[bunniefuu]

We need to be able to call a lawyer.

- I already called one.
- You don't know any lawyers.

Yes, I do, and he's on his way.

I am running out of time.
You were in Cuba.

Your father stole your
children to his palace.

We have the coordinates.

You were running this ass as collateral.

What the hell is this ass?

♪

Rise and shine, Gummy Bear.

Daddy's here.

What's happening? Where am I?

You're home.

Where are my children?

You mean my grandchildren.

Nate?! Nate! Where are you?!

[Chuckling] Hey!

Look who's up, sleepy head.

Why didn't you wake me up?!

You were sleeping... like an angel.

It reminded me of when you were little

and I came into your room.

It was late, and you were sleeping,

just like you were a few minutes ago.

That's a real shitty story.

- Hey, look...
- Oh.

Have a hot bath, have some hot coffee.

Everything's hot down here.
You're gonna feel great.

Need I remind you,
this maniac kidnapped our ch...

Are you drinking?

Mm? No, it's a mojito.

That's drinking.

Uh, no. It's more like a wet salad.

What?

But, still, I am a
fiend for these things.

It's the mint from the garden...

This isn't a vacation, Nate!

Hey, look, I know you're upset,

and, trust me, when I
woke up, I was livid.

[Groaning]

[Latin music playing]

What's happening?

Buenos días, señor.

Where am I?

Huh?

Unh...

[Chuckling] But now
I feel like a new man.

- Seriously.
- [Knock on door]

[Sighs] I don't...

Buenos días, señora.

[Clears throat] Robin, Carlita.

Carlita, Robin... uh, mi esposa.

Well, not really. One day, no?

I promise. That's what this is for.

We'll get to it.

She's...

Okay, you're friends.

♪ Somewhere behind the skyline ♪

♪ There is a place I'm thinkin' ♪

[Distorted music plays]

Kids? Kids?!

I got to see my kids.

Babe, no, they're fine. I saw them.

They're great.
They're having a great time.

Easy, Gummy Bear. You're dehydrated.

Don't call me that.

How did we get here?

Oh. Yes. Dude. Thank you so much.

Really appreciate that.

The Internet's so bad down here.

- I just want to see what...
- Nate, Nate, Nate!

That's mad mask man
who was following us!

- Who... Conrad?
- Yeah.

He's my transpo captain.

He's terrifying.

Oh, that's the nebulizer.
He's got crippling asthma.

_

See?

No, he was gonna take
you to the airport,

But then you decided
to drive yourself to Florida.

And you call me a maniac.

_

She peed in the van.

_

I don't know. It's like trying to fill
up a sh*t glass with a wet sponge.

And then I had him get you a helicopter,

but you jumped on some
stupid fishing boat.

And this idiot ran it up on the dock.

_

Who doesn't know how to drive a boat?

You just point it straight and go.

I'm not a boat guy.

You don't have to be a boat guy
to drive it out of a slip.

All right, once again,
how did we get here?

Did you drug us or something?

We found you asleep.

We were awake
for hours straight, okay?

We just passed out.

_

Just like that one time I carried you

when you were little
and you didn't even stir.

God! Your stories of
my youth suck so bad!

Okay, okay, look.

What's done is done. You're here.

And I've got a pretty
big surprise for you.

Oh, do you?

Is it even a bigger surprise
than you kidnapping my children

for a worthless piece of metal?

I told you, that's not what it's about.

He's not a bad guy.

You've been brainwashed, Nate.
You've been rubbed out.

No! I told her to stop!

Right? Hi.

This is all about my love
for you and your family.

[Sighs] I don't need your love.

I have all the love I need
from my own family.

I hate you!

No, you... Don't say that!

I want to stay!

Well, you can't!

Pee-Paw said we could stay
as long as we want.

Such a stupid name.

We came up with that name!

Yeah.

He's the best. I mean, he lets us swear.

Hey! You're not allowed to swear!

- You're such a [bleep]
- What?!

Don't you ever, ever
use that horrible word again!

It's actually a pretty good
word. It means so many things.

You're never allowed to use it.

It's almost every other
word in Scotland.

- You're not in Scotland!
- Okay.

What if I'm on a Scottish beach
and I get sand in my [bleep]?

- No! Shh!
- No!

Close your lips!

Downstairs lady lips also means...

- No! Stop talking!
- No! No!

The only reason I am keeping
any kind of composure

is because I know
he is manipulating you.

- And you're not?!
- No!

I'm... I'm trying to do
what's best for you.

You made us live in a trailer

when we could have been living here!

Can you help me, please?

He's not wrong on that one.

Oh, my Go...

Guys, listen to me.

This place was built on dirty money.

I don't want that kind
of influence on you guys.

Listen, I get that, but...

I get the feeling
he's trying to go legit.

Ugh! You're so gullible.
He's a professional lair, Nate.

So are you!

We have a grandfather our whole lives,

and you kept him from us.

Because he's a criminal!

And you're not?

Is that d*ck Cheney?

Yeah, probably is.

Yeah. Pee-Paw's selling
him something secret.

He was waiting on some
stupid mule to bring an ass.

You don't go legit all at once.

You're right.

Wait. What? I am? I'm right?

Mm-hmm. You are right. You're right.

Sorry. God! I'm sorry.

I'm just... I'm being so childish.

I mean, who am I as their mother

to say they can't just spew profanity?

Within reason, you know?

And this guy... he's a businessman.

He deals in exotic trade
with influential people.

I get it. It's a living.

- It's unique, sure. You know?
- It is. It is.

Wait. So we can stay?

You bet. You can stay.

I have an idea.
Why don't you guys stay here.

I'm gonna go to town, and I'm gonna get
my own little surprise for Paw-Paw.

- It's "Pee-Paw."
- It's stupid.

Wait. Hold on.
You sure you're okay with this?

That was a real quick turn
you just did there.

Yeah, no. I know, I know, I know.

I'm great, though.
I am. I'm good. I just...

I feel like I need to put an end
to this feud once and for all,

you know, for the sake
of all of us, for our future.

Sure. Yeah. You want me
to go to town with you?

No. Nah. This is something
I'm gonna do on my own.

You just stay here, you guys.
Stay here and relax.

- You know what? I will relax.
- Great.

'Cause, unlike when I
tell you, I listen.

You know, I go, "Yes."

- "I should relax, babe. I'm too tense."
- 'Kay.

You know, maybe I'll get a massage.

From, uh...

Hey!

That's my friend over there.

Okay, good, good.

[Latin music playing]

_

Yeah. It's the mojitos.
I think they loosen up my hips.

_

_

[Chuckles] Speaking of which,

this ice is safe to drink, right?

- I don't want to get sick.
- [Clears throat]

Oh, hey. Sorry. Sorry, sir.

[Clears throat] She asked me to dance.

I thought it would be rude if I said no.

You know, it's custom and everything.

I know it looks sensual,
but it's, apparently, not sexual

in any way, shape, or form.

Sure it is.

Um... I'm still very much
in love with your daughter...

deep, deep, deep,
deeply in love with her.

And, uh...

I don't know why I'm so nervous
around you all of a sudden.

It's weird, you know.

I've never gone through
this father-in-law thing before.

But, uh... you know,
I just wanted to say

from the bottom of my heart,
I speak for my whole family

when I say, uh...

you know...

I love you, Dad.

- Okay.
- That was weird. That was weird.

It was weird.
It was too much, too quick.

I get it, I get it.
It's the mojitos talking.

I want to make something
perfectly clear.

Sure.

I would have done the same thing

for any guy Robin settled down with.

Right.

Sorry. I'm not... I'm not following you.

Everything you have in your
life is because of me.

No, I kn... I'm thankful for you
setting me up in New York.

You know, it was a little weird
how you did it, but, you know...

I had a life before that. I had a job.

Did you?

You were a part-time lab monkey
at PFR when you met her.

I called my mountaineering
buddy, Mr. Gupta,

and the next day, you were an executive.

You didn't think that was kind of weird?

Thought it was 'cause I
was doing a good job.

You are nothing without me.

Enjoy the party, Nate.

And lose the hat.
Makes you look like a douche.

S-Same hat.

[Music continues]

Robin: Why is it always
raining in this valley?!

Cuba!

[Thunder rumbles]

Good God!

[Applause]

J.R.: Hola.

I want to thank you all for coming

to this exciting unveiling.

This iconic statue has taken decades

to finally come back together...

a piece of history.

It was thought to have been destroyed.
It's now fully restored

and is now the prized
possession of this gentleman.

[Applause]

My daughter, Robin,
was supposed to be here,

but her children and their father...

who I know is appreciative
of all this...

they're here.

Nate, kids, take a bow.

[Applause]

This is all for you guys.

Sit down, Nate.

Yeah.

Not everyone here knows

that I was born with next to nothing.

And the only way I could provide
for my one and only daughter

was to work hard.

Did I cut a few corners?

d*ck: Show me the g*dd*mn statue.

Okay.

Here we go.

[Middle Eastern music plays]

Holy sh*t!

How did you get that?

_

[Indistinct shouting]

♪

J.R.: Great.

Head right in here, boys.
Arms and legs, too.

[British accent] Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

W-W-W-W-Who are you chaps with?

- Who do you think?
- Ain't that the truth.

I count about Iraqis
and bloody journalists.

It's the most staged
photo op since Iwo Jima.

You must be envious of the lads
who served during the Raj.

- Ooh.
- No media, no pressure...

Just the beauties of Colonial India.

Oh, you know... you know the Indians...

a civilized people.

- Exactly.
- Took a while, but they got there.

- Yeah.
- T-They got there.

Still, you know what? I'm not
sure you can take this stuff.

Why not?

Well, 'cause this property
belongs to, um...

Well, I'm not technically sure

who it belongs to right now, but...

Then what's it to you?

Ah, that's actually a good point.

You know, we're only here 'cause
Blair is Bush's golf buddy.

Who singularly failed
to learn the lessons

of hundreds of years
of failed nation-building.

- Right?
- Mm.

Still, it does b*at
London in the winter,

and the kebabs are decent.

Not bad. Not bad.

Eh... You know what?

These people are just gonna
whack it with sticks anyway

and shove bottle rockets in it.

As you were. Carry on.

God save the queen.

Oh, keep it under your hat. Naughty.

God, you are so cool.

[Chuckles]

There's a hole in the back.

Ah, yes... the pièce de résistance.

[Snaps fingers]

[Crowd gasping, chuckling]

Jesus Christ. We were carrying
around the ass of S*ddam Hussein?

Mm-hmm.

And that ass just made
you a cool $ million.

Surprise!

Sorry. What?

That was my surprise...
a life of freedom.

million American dollars, not Cuban?

Yeah.

Remember before, when I said
I love you and I took it back?

I don't give a sh*t. I love you, man.

No, no, no, no, no.

Okay, all right.

$ million! What?!

[Laughter]

Everybody out! Party's over!

- [Crowd screaming]
- Oh, sh**t. Babe?

Nate, keep the kids safe.

Oh, my God.

All right, guys, get down,
get down. Get down.

I knew you couldn't change.
You're incapable of change!

You may have tricked my stupid family,

but you will never trick me.

That'll do, Robin.

What'd you just say?

That'll do.

Babe!

Nate! Stay out of this!

He's not gonna make any
money off of this deal.

- Yeah, I know!
- Nobody is!

You can blow it out your ass!

W-What's she doing?

I don't know! She's crazy!

- Oh, sh*t!
- No, don't do that!

No!

It keeps coming out!

What is wrong with you?!
Our children are here!

What are you doing?!

Oh! Wait! Jesus Christ! Come on!

[Groans] Owwww!

Aaah!

Oh! Are you okay?

[Groaning]

[Whining] No!

Ow!

[Both panting]

Well...

there you have it.

See you 'round, kids.

♪

♪

- [Engine shuts off]
- Nate: What are you doing?

Robin: Will somebody please talk to me?

What are you talking about?

I'm not gonna have
my family looking at me

with resentment, all right?

You guys, I know I screwed up,

but we're gonna get through this.

It's over. We have nothing.

What are you t... We have each other!

If you weren't so stubborn,

we'd "have each other"
on a private jet right now.

How was that, by the way?

It was pretty awesome.

We played turbulence Jenga.

- You know what I don't get?
- What?

Even though your father was just...

Aggressively in our sh*t?!

Yes.

Why that matters, though.

Ever since I've met you,

all you've wanted to do is be rich.

No, I wanted us to be rich.

I wanted us to earn it.

I don't want to earn it.

Yeah, I want to have it, then spend it.

It was guilt money.

Stop putting adjectives in front of it.

- It's just money.
- No, it's not!

It's a "Refund for
shitty parenting" money.

I don't care if it's "Sorry
I slept with your sister" money!

Which I didn't... at all.

- That'd be gross.
- Why would you do that?

It's still money.

Yeah, but... Okay, guys, even...

even if we took it, then what?

Right? I mean, don't you get it?

- No!
- No!

Don't you think he would screw us over?

- No!
- No!

No!

[Sighs]

Do you think I'm being too proud?

- Nate and Delilah: Yes!
- Jareb: No!

Yes!

No? Well,
I don't know which one to pick.

Look, you blew away $ million.

- It was only .
- Whatever.

That's still a sh*t ton of money, okay?

Back in Cuba,

there was a mansion
called the Robin's Nest,

and we're not living in it.

We could go back there
and start a new life.

Is this what you all want to do?

ALL: Yes!

[Sighs]

Okay, turn it around.

- Really?
- Yes!

[Cheering]

[Laughter]

Come on. Let's go to Cooba!

- Whoo!
- Get some!

- Cuba!
- Get some!

[Engine sputtering]

Uh, just go.

Just... relax.

[Clicking]

Dad, quit screwing around.

I'm not screwing around!
I'm trying to start the motor.

What's up?

I don't know! I'm not a boat guy!

♪

Daddy, are we gonna die?

No! No, we're not gonna die, okay?

We're gonna be fine.
This is the Straits of Florida.

All right? It's a very highly
traveled body of water.

Someone's gonna find us.

Eventually.

[Bird squawking]

♪

Are you praying?

Jesus Christ.

Yes, I'm praying, okay?

Is there anything wrong with praying

for a raft to come find us?

What's that?!

What is that?

That's a raft.

Whoa. Whoa!

[Laughter]

That's a raft!

You should've prayed for a Jet Ski.

[Indistinct shouting]

- Over here!
- Save us!

Americana!

Here you go.

Ah, thank you guys so much.
Thank you so, so much.

Everybody on board. Let's go.

Oh, thank you. Thank God.

Okay, everybody on board. Vamos.

No, no, no, no! No, no.
Our boat's broken.

O-Or out of gas. I don't know.
I'm not a boat guy.

Our boat is sh*t.

_

_

_

Hey, I'm sorry... no more room.

What? No! No, please, please.

You got room there. We could squeeze.

We're small.

Take the kids, okay? And... And her.

Niños, sí, okay.

- Not the woman.
- Wha...

Hey, amigo! Mucho dinero.

What did you just give him?

Well, Pee-Paw gave us
some late birthday money.

How much did you give him?

I don't know... like $ .

This is at least $ , !

Sorry. What?

I was just trying to help.

$ , ?!

Hey, okay! Everybody on board!

Come on. Even the woman. Ta bien.

Okay, all right. Let's get on. Come on.

You saved us, but you really overpaid.

All right.

♪

So, uh...

how long does it take
to get back to Cuba?

[Chuckling] We're not going to Cuba.

Never again! Cuba is sh*t!

- [Cheering]
- We go America.

[Cheering]

No, no, no, no. We're going to Cuba.

Why would we want to go there?
It's sh*t!

[Indistinct shouting]

No, it's not. It's awesome.

I suppose if you have
money, like yourself.

But for most of us, it's sh*t.

Well, how long is it gonna take
for us to get to America?

Um... eight days, give or take.

But don't worry.
We'll make plenty of stops.

Okay? [Chuckles]

IAdios, Cooba!

[Cheering]

He calls it "Cooba."

Okay.

♪

Are we bad parents?

[Coughs, spits]

Yes.

We're the [bleep] worst.

We are the [bleep] worst parents ever.

Jesus Christ.
We're going back to nothing.

I know, but we're gonna make it work.

Where?!

Syracuse.

Syracuse sucks!

Okay, we'll go to New York.

There's nothing in New York for us.

Florida. We're so close.

You want to live in Florida?

You know, you guys complain a lot.

Is that what the rest of America's like?

Pretty much.

America's the greatest
country in the world.

Unh... used to be.

Only people that grew up
with freedom don't like America.

America on its worst day is still better

than Cuba on its best.

We make it to land,

your country takes us...
me, my family...

and puts us in a hotel...
Swift Stay Suites.

Air-conditioning, pool, business center.

cable channels, including
Ted Turner's Superstation.

[Chuckles]

That's the oppression
of infinite choice.

Yeah, but then what?
Don't they just send you back?

No, we make it to land,

your country grants us economic asylum.

They send us to new
places, like Delaware

or better... Nebraska.

We become whole new people.

That's a great country.

Sweetie.

I'm sorry.

Baby? Baby. Baby.

Sorry.

♪

_

Hey.

Hmm?

It's land.

There's land there.

What is that?

[Laughing] America!

- That's the U.S.?
- Yes!

[Laughter]

That's the U.S.! No way!

Hey!

All right!

We're gonna be okay.
We're gonna be all right.

We are.

[Laughs]

- Babe...
- We did it!

[Telephone rings]

Auspice.

Jack Randall here.

- Listen.
- [Whispering] Record this.

Somebody record this. Track this.

I'm not the one you want.
It's my daughter.

She's the brains behind the whole thing.

You dipshits have been chasing
the wrong Randall.

And I'll tell you exactly
where you can find her.

You got a pencil?

Pencil! [Snaps fingers]

I need a pencil!

[Normal voice]
No, I said a g*dd*mn pencil!

Man: This is
the United States Coast Guard!

Swim, amigos! Coast Guard!

Wait, wait! We don't
have to swim. We're American.

With a criminal record! Let's swim!

Okay, okay.

[Screams]

[g*nf*re]

Do not jump in the water!

[Delilah screams]

Do not jump in the water!

[Sirens wailing]

Edie and Carl: [Rapping]
♪ Mail, mail, we cannot fail ♪

♪ Through snow, rain,
sleet, or the hail ♪

♪ From big cities to small towns ♪

♪ Nothing can keep these couriers ♪

♪ From their appointed rounds ♪

♪ I know you like to be frank,
so you can ♪

- ♪ Take this to the bank ♪
- ♪ Be frank ♪

How the hell did we get stuck
working with these assholes again?

- [Air horns blaring]
- Go! Go!

[People screaming]

You will be arrested and prosecuted

by the United States government!

[Grunting]

What about Espartaco?!

_

[Man speaking Spanish over speaker]

Come on! Come on!

America!

Oh, sh*t!

Aw, sh*t! So close!

♪

We're going postal.

♪

[Cheering]

♪

[Sighs]

Everybody, hold your positions.

I'm taking her down.

Miss Randall?

What?

Uh, we need you to come with us.

I'm waiting for my dad.
He's supposed to meet me here.

That's not what he told us.

Oh, looky, looky what we have here.

Where'd you get this?

My dad gave it to me.

How did he get it to you?

He mailed it.

Exactly.

Signed, sealed, delivered.

♪

[Cheering]

Well, it was a little tougher
getting to the beach this time.

- Huh?
- Yeah.

You don't look bad
for eight days in a boat.

Takes me like a year to grow a beard.

God, I know.

We have the ass.

We have a witness
turning State's in custody.

We need him. Give him to us!

Or you and your family are done.

You don't mess with the mail.

Just...

Okay.

Okay.

Okay, okay.

[Rock music plays]

[Door opens]

Who the hell are you?

Don't say another g*dd*mn word!

- Him?!
- He's great.

He's...

Joe Delicious, divorce attorney.

A federal agency inquiring my clients

without proper legal counsel
being present and accountable?

Hmm? I mean,
did you even Mirandarize them?

Did she Mirandarize you?

- No, she didn't.
- Ohhhh!

I'm gonna have your badges,
you piece of shits.

You kept my clients in
here for / hours

without the right to one of me's?

You two... up. Let's go.

- Best wishes.
- No.

- It's been fun.
- Ugggh.

This is not over!

Oh, it sure as sh*t is, scumbags.

'Cause you're never
gonna find them again.

[Music ends]

This card is blank.

[Wind howling]

Do you guys have a pool?

[Slavic accent] No.

Business center?

What's that?

Could we take a look at the menu?

Food is behind you.

What the hell is all this?!

It's xajib.

And kobhaki.

Okay, so, you have one nonsmoking room.

Oh, no. It's supposed to be two.

It says here just one.

Wait... what, with two beds?

One queen.

We can bring cot.

- Mm.
- Okay.

That's not... terrible.

Okay, Mr. Fiedler.

Or is it Fielderjr?

"Fiedler" is fine.

Is this your first time here?

- Yeah.
- No.

Well, then, welcome.

Thank you.

[Clears throat]

[Wind howling]

This isn't so bad.

We're still in America.

Right?

Yeah... kind of.

What's wrong with us?

Nothing. We're fine.

Nah, we've really
gone off the rails this time.

["The Detour" plays]

Little bit.

Okay.

Let's saddle up.

Going for a hike. Huh? Look at that.

♪ And because of me not
knowing, I now pine ♪

♪ Troubles got in the trail ♪

♪ Spend the next five years in jail ♪

♪ Should have read that detour sign ♪

♪ Detour ♪

♪ All these bitter things I find ♪

♪ Should have read that detour sign ♪

♪ Should have read that detour sign ♪