15x08 - The g*ng Carries a Corpse Up a Mountain

Episode transcripts for the TV show "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia". Aired August 2005 - current.
"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" revolves around five depraved underachievers, with big egos and slightly arrogant attitudes, who run the dilapidated Paddy's Pub, an Irish bar in South Philadelphia.
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15x08 - The g*ng Carries a Corpse Up a Mountain

Post by bunniefuu »

MAC: Mmm. This stew
is really doing it for me now.

DENNIS: Well, yeah,
'cause you're using it as food,

instead of using it as
a reviving mechanism.

Look, there's that truck again.

Oh, g*dd*mn it. Are you telling me

there's gonna be obnoxious
Americans on this hike?

'Cause that's the last
thing I want to see.

Hey, you guys, wait up a second.

Oh, Frank, why are you carrying
all that stuff, man?

- We're going on a day hike.
- Nah, I just want to make sure

Charlie realizes I'm still useful,
uh, you know,

in case he or Shelley needs
a drink or something to eat.

You got piss in that canteen?

No, I got Gatorade in that canteen.

The other one's got the
piss in case things go bad.

Oh, there he is.

- Oh.

- MAC: Charlie!
- DENNIS: Hey.

MAC: Yo, pal.

- Charlie.
- Oh, hello.

I see you all fell for my ruse.

What ruse? You asking us to go on a hike

with your dad, and us saying "yes"?

Oldest trick in the book.

Asking someone to do something?


And then, them doing it?

- Precisely, yes.
- FRANK: Wait a minute.

Where-Where's Shelley?
You said he was coming with us.

Oh, yeah. No, Shelley's coming with us.

He's going on a hike all
the way up the mountain.

Only thing is, he can't really walk,

so we're gonna have to carry him.

- Oh. - What?
- Ugh.

You know, no offense, Charlie,
but Shelley's fat as shit.

Oh, no offense taken, Dennis,
because he is fat as shit,

but, um, he won't really mind us
saying that because he's d*ad.

What? What the hell
are you talking about?

I'm talking about Shelley Kelly, my dad.

He's d*ad.

Oh. Shit.

- ♪

- This is crazy.
- No, it's not that crazy, Mac.

All right? Look,
it's a Kelly family burial tradition.

We're just gonna carry
the man to the top

of the mountain, and then we're
gonna chuck him over the side.

I-I'm not gonna do that.

Yeah, you know what?
I-I'm not doing it, either.

But not because I don't
think it's awesome.

I think... I think it's totally awesome.

I just am a little
worried about my back.

- Your back?
- Your back? You've always said

that your back has the
symmetry of the Vitruvian man,

and it's the foundation of
your structural essence.

Yeah, well, why would I want
to ruin my essence, Mac?

I'm not doing it.

Look, guys, the men of my family
have been doing this

for thousands of years,
and it's really important to me

that we keep this tradition going, okay?

Now I hate to say this, you know,
but it is an emergency.

So I'm just gonna blurt it right out.

Bros before hoes.

Uh, he's right. Bros before hoes.

- Yeah, he's got us.
- Oh, my God. Yeah.

Bros before hoes, guys.

That doesn't fit here. Bros before hoes?

What does that have to do with anything?

That's sort of a catch-all, Dee.

Okay, let's just grab a piece

of the bag, and we'll get it over with.

- This is gonna suck, but let's just...
- Bros before hoes. Bros before...

Bros before hoes. Come on.

- And hoes, too.
- Ugh.


- Hey.
- Oh, there's got to be a better way.

Isn't there, like,
a sled or a wagon or something?

No, they didn't slide my
ancestors up the hill.

They didn't wagon them.
They carried them.

Guys, I-I got to be honest.

I'm-I'm getting a little
worried about my back here.

Um, can I suggest something?

What if we burn the body and
carry the ashes up the hill?

- No, no.
- I could consecrate them.

Look, no one is going to torch
or consummate all over my dad.

Yeah, we're here for Charlie.

Charlie, you hungry? You want a snack?

I got egg, or you want a...?
Want-want some GORP?

- Or how about a... how about a wine spritzer?
- DEE: Ooh!

- I'll take a spritzer.
- Bros before hoes, Dee.

Frank, can I please have
a white wine spritzer?

- No, no, they're for Charlie.
- DENNIS: Charlie...

Charlie, order me
a wine spritzer, please.

All right, one spritzer for Mac,
please, Frank.

Well, Charlie, order me one then.

Well, it is bros before hoes,

and not all of the bros
have been spritzed.

- Let's spritz Dennis, Charlie.
- I don't really want one.

Uh, guys, can I suggest something else?

Uh, what-what if we, uh...?
Now bear with me here.

- What if we chop the body up?
- Come on.

And we carry it in pieces, right?
Or-or melt it somehow.

- Like you did to Dee's doctor guy?
- Well, what?

- Frank, shut up, man.
- Why? You didn't tell her?

- Tell me what?
- Ha. Well, well, that doctor showed up

at the castle, and you weren't there,

so Dennis poured hot oil on him.

- Charlie, you sure you don't want to...
- What?!

- Shut up! Come on!

- Come on.
- Can we please not drop my dad?

What is he talking about, Dennis?

Don't worry about it, Dee. Come on.

It-it wasn't even that hot.

Did you use the m*rder hole?

Dee, don't get mad at me, okay?

The guy showed up,
and you weren't there.

What was I supposed to do?

- Oh, I don't know. Not scald him!
- Oh, come on.

You weren't there to enjoy
him so I enjoyed him,

per the castle's wishes.

Are you still talking to the castle?!

I thought that was a COVID thing!

- Oh, Dee, let it go. Let it go!
- Uh.

Oh, my God, I cannot believe this.
I am out of here.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. You can't go.

You-you k*lled my dad with
your stupid banshee curse.

- My stupid what?
- That's why he died.

Every Kelly saw a banshee
right before he died.

My dad saw you, so, you got to be here.

- Charlie, banshees aren't real!
- Ow!

- Is that it? Is that what it was?
- Yes, that could be it.

- Oh, you!
- All right, you know what? Fine.

Go. We don't even need you.
We were probably gonna throw you

- from the top anyway!
- I thought about it.

- Did you think about?
- I did, too. God.

- I was thinking about it, too, yeah.
- Yeah, well, you got

- to play it safe, you know? You never know.
- Got to be sure.

- What if she's a witch?
- BOTH: What if she's a witch?

CHARLIE: Hey, Frank, you okay, there?

- FRANK: I'm ok... yeah.
- CHARLIE: I got you. Step.

FRANK: I see it. [GROANS]

CHARLIE: There we go.

- The corner here.
- DENNIS: Yeah.

MAC: I hate to admit it,
but this is a lot heavier without Dee.

- How much weight was she bearing?
- I don't know.

Well, it's that monstrous
spine of hers, you know?

The scoliosis hardened
it into petrified wood,

unlike my back which is
pretty much all muscle.

Whoa. Whoa.

- Oh! You all right?
- You-you okay?

Yeah. I'm good. I'm good.

- I just...
- Well, what did... what did you trip on?

Um, I don't know. Just something
on the ground or something.

Hey, let me jump back in there, yeah?

Well, w-wait a second.
Did you guys notice

that the body didn't get
heavier when Dennis let go?

No. If anything, it feels lighter.

Significantly lighter.

That's odd. Uh...

well, I don't know how something
like that could possibly happen.

What-what would explain
something like that? You...

Could it be maybe the banshee curse?
Does it have

- something to do...?
- Were you not carrying it?

Not carr...
What are you talking about, man?

Not carrying it?
Yeah, I was carrying it.

- Why did it get lighter?
- Oh, my God.

It looks like he was
dragging his feet back here.

- Were you hanging on it?
- No!

He must have tripped and lost his grip,
and that's how he fell.

- Oh, g*dd*mn it!
- You were taking a ride?

- You weren't even holding it.
- Oh, no. Come on, dude.

Wait. Time out. Time out, guys.

Can we please not make
dropping my dad a thing? Right?

If you get frustrated,
just place the man down, okay?

I'm sorry. I get frustrated,
I throw. I don't...

All right, listen, listen, guys.
Yes, fine.

Yeah, I was hanging on the bag
a little bit. You know, just

from moment to moment, you know,
just a tiny, tiny bit, okay?

I was trying to decompress my
Vitruvian spine. I'm sorry!

I told you guys it was
something I was worried about.

Guys, we got bigger problems than this.

How are we gonna get that up that hill?


- All right, well...
- DENNIS: Ooh, that's steep.

It's gonna suck,
but we'll just have to carry it.

Okay, well, hold on a second, Charlie.
Let's think about this.

Now, while I do not approve of
Dennis riding your d*ad dad,

I-I think we have to think about this

from a... an engineering perspective.

Now as a Dutch man, I think I would

look at this the way I would
think of a windmill or a dam.

Cool. How's a windmill gonna help us?

I haven't been Dutch
long enough to know.

Well, if we had a really giant windmill,

we could just blow him up the hill.

- We could blow him up the hill.
- Oh, giant windmill

- could blow him up. Good.
- Oh, yeah. Huh.

Do you have your giant
windmill in your bag?

Hold on a second. Let...

Let me suggest something else.

Uh, what if we, uh...

what if we slide him up
the steep part of the hill?

- Uh...
- Yeah, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Frank, do you have a tent in that bag?

Yeah I got a tent. I got a tent.

- Oh, how's that for being resourceful, Charlie?
- Oh, okay.

- Okay, okay.
- Now, well, look, this-this is good!

Now-now, Charlie,
we're still honoring your dad.

- Right.
- We're just sliding him up this one section. That's it!

[SIGHS] All right, fine.

We'll slide the man up the hill,
just this part.

But then, we'll go back to carrying him!

All of us, please.

- Yeah.
- All right.

- Pop the tent out. Let's get it. Let's get it.
- Dude, help me

- with this thing. You got to... you got to...
- I got it.

- Keep it on. I'll just get it out of here.
- Okay.

ALL: One, two, three. [GRUNTING]

ALL: One, two, three. [GRUNTING]

One, two, three. [GRUNTING]


- One, two, three.
- Two, three.


- And now, yes!
- Oh!

- All right, all right, boys.
- Ah, that worked out good!

- I got to say, too,

- that still felt respectful.
- That wasn't so bad. - Ah.

Guys, I actually feel like that was

a back-strengthening exercise for me.

- Awesome!
- All right, good.

- Let's just take a rest here, all right?
- Yeah.

- Okay. Want a GORP? Anybody into GORP?
- ALL: Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Let me get it out. Let me get it out.

- Let's get some GORP.
- All right, get it out.

- Maybe, guys, let's have a couple of spritzers.
- Spritzers!

Who wants one?
Spritzer for Mac, spritzer for Dennis.

I-I got spritzers,
yeah, I got spritzers.

Then we'll get this
old bitch up the hill.

- All right. Oh.
- Ah, this is gonna be good.

- Oh!
- Oh, shit! - Oh, my God.

ALL: Whoa.

- FRANK: Oh.

Oh. Oh.

- Okay, that's my bad.
- Oh.

Okay. That is, uh...

That's gonna be a mess
inside that bag, guys.

Oh, yeah.
That's one big sack of Irish stew.

- Phew.
- Yeah, yeah. Okay, all right.

Okay, that-that... This isn't a problem.
All right, I...

What do you say we go back down there,

and we dump out whatever liquid
is probably in that body bag,

and then,
that'll-that'll lighten the load?

- Okay, yeah. That works for me, yeah.
- Okay.

And-and then we can carry it up,
no problem!

- Yeah, yeah.
- All right.

I'm starting to see myself as
more of a problem solver. I...

I-I think that actually
could be a new identity.

I'm gonna put that on the list.

You guys are gonna want to hear this.

So, uh, uh, Dutch first.

Dutch first, then gay,
then problem solver.

Now could you repeat that back to me?

- 'Cause I think...
- Oh, dude, shut up! Oh, my God!

All right, you're Irish, Mac.

- Yeah. You're not Dutch.
- What?

You're Irish. Right,
but we knew you were gonna be

so g*dd*mn annoying
about it on the trip,

and that it was gonna be the
only thing you talked about,

so we paid your mom to
tell you you were Dutch.

It cost us a couple of loosies.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, your mom does not like you, dude.

Yeah, but, I mean, Luther Vandross?
Mac, really?

- Luther Vandross?
- [LAUGHS] Come on, Mac.

But somehow it's been even worse!
You're talking

about your identity even more.
I can't believe it.

- Why would you do that?
- And by the way... the tattoo? The...

- Can we talk about that... the shamrock tattoo?
- That was...

- You want to see it?
- No, I don't want to see it,

- g*dd*mn it! Listen. What?
- No!

You're getting rid of
all the other tattoos

- and not the worst tattoo?
- You're keeping the shamrock?

- I want it gone. We want it gone!
- It's a bad tattoo, Mac!

- Yeah, get rid of the shamrock.
- So, you-you thought you'd just

- unravel my entire identity?
- Nothing's unraveled!

- We didn't unravel anything!
- You're still you!

- You've always been you!
- Fine. You know what?

You-you-you take that
liquid-meat body bag,

and you get it up the g*dd*mn hill
by yourself, 'cause I'm out.

- Is he gonna get rid of the tattoo?
- He's not gonna get

rid of it.
Are you getting rid of the tattoo?

Are you gonna get rid of the tattoo?

I'm gonna get another shamrock
tattoo on the other leg!

- Don't you dare!
- Oh, I'm gonna do it!

Don't you dare get
another shamrock tattoo,

- you son of a bitch!


- Ah, g*dd*mn it!
- All right.

Nobody admit this to Mac, but...

- I feel like he was carrying a ton of weight.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- That would be another one of his annoying identities...

the man who could carry stuff.

Oh, God. Wait. I got to take a break.

- All right.
- I got to take a break.

Yeah. [GROANS] Guys, please,

just say, "I got to take a break,"

then gen-gently place him down.

- Stop dropping him over and over again.

Look, this isn't working, okay?

Look, you don't want to burn the guy?

Fine. Personally, I don't understand it,

but there are other solutions
to this problem, okay?

Let's just chop the body up.
It's already mangled.

Come on, man!
Look, I'm just trying to get him

to the top of the mountain,
as per his wishes.

He lived a hard enough life.

You know, he slaved away as a
cheese monster, or whatever.

He died with his lungs
filled with fluid,

he was gasping for air.

You know, the-the least we can do

is send him off with some dignity.

Wait a second. What did you say?
How did your dad die?

Died from a banshee curse,
you know this.

No, no, no, what was the thing

about his lungs being filled with fluid?

Well, yeah.
When I got him to the hospital,

the doctor said his lungs
were all filled with fluid,

and he couldn't really breathe,
and then they tried to get him

on a respirator,
but there wasn't enough time... he died.

- Ah.
- Well, buddy, that sounds like COVID!

COVID?! But so-so the poor guy's
dying from a banshee curse,

and now he's got to deal with
COVID on top of everything else?

Did you give him COVID, Dennis?

Me?! I never even
interacted with the man.

I was behind a stone wall
and a painting that night.

What, do you think I'm
sh**ting COVID laser beams

out of my eyeballs?

Well, look, I don't know how it works,

but you're the only one
who didn't get vaccinated.

I mean, I got the sh*t,
Frank got the sh*t.

The sh*t? The government sh*t?
I didn't do that.

What? You're-you're not vaccinated?

Oh, yeah, I'm fully vaccinated.

I-I got the non-sh*t kind.

What non...?
There is no non-sh*t kind, Frank.

Of course there is!
The-the-the hydro pills

and the... and the bleach, and the...

the horse dewormer.
The-the president's stuff!

- Wait, wait, wait.
- Ah, Jesus.

Why would you not take the sh*t?

Where they put the thing
in your arm with the chip,

and it goes inside your body?

I heard the nerd on the
island talk about them.

That once they get that
thing inside of you,

they can control your thoughts.

They take your thoughts,

download 'em, put 'em into a manatee.

- You know what I mean?
- What is he talking about?

- Why is he talking about manatees?
- They...

Guys, this is what I'm learning, okay?
I had COVID,

I gave it to Frank,
Frank gave it to your dad.

Frank k*lled your dad.

- g*dd*mn it!
- Well, wait-wait a minute.

To be fair, COVID k*lled your dad.
I just gave it to him.

Okay. Well, this is insane.
This is insane!

All right? You know what?
I'm out of here.

- Screw this, I can't do this. [GROANS]
- You're leaving?

Oh, God. [YELLING]

- There it... there it is!
- Ah.

g*dd*mn it! This is exactly what
I was worried about. [GROANING]

It's the end of the Vitruvian era!
It's over!

g*dd*mn! g*dd*mn! My essence has...

been ruined by tiny cars,
castle beds and...

I hate this godforsaken country!

- Ah, man!
- Hey, he's probably faking it.


Uh, look,

I'm sorry if I gave your dad COVID.

I mean, if that's the case.

I mean, we don't have proof.

It's kind of like the Epstein thing.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, all right. Look, Frank, you can stop.

I forgive you, all right?

A Kelly always forgives.

- Uh, the men that is, not-not women so much.
- Hmm.

For what it's worth,
I'm sorry I'm not your real dad.

Thanks, Frank. I'm kind of sorry, too.

But don't you worry.

I'll always be there for you.
I'll always have your back.


- You thirsty?
- Yes.

Oh, here. Try some of this Gatorade.

- Thank you.
- There you go.


- Whoa!
- Is that piss?

Oh! That's not supposed
to be the piss one!

- Why do you have a piss one?
- Well, here, here, here.

- Why is there always a piss one with you?
- Oh, give me that.

- Wash it out with Gatorade.
- g*dd*mn it, Frank!

- Ooh. Huh?

That's piss, too!

- Oh, no!
- Well, what the f*ck?

Oh, I must have got confused
and pissed in 'em both.

- Wait, wait, wait.
- g*dd*mn it, dude.

I got you a spritzer!
How about a spritzer?

I don't want a f*cking spritzer!

- Oh! Mac drank all the spritzers.
- g*dd*mn it, Frank.

- Why do you have canteens full of piss?
- I... No.

Why is it always something
crazy with you? g*dd*mn it!

Look, I'm gonna do it alone.
I don't need your help. Just go!

- No, Charlie.
- Just go!

- I don't need your help, Frank!
- Hey, don't go!





- I hate this place.
- It's the worst!

If there is anything I have learned

from this godforsaken rock,

it is that I never want to see
any of you assholes ever again!

Oh, Dee, don't worry about it,
because as soon as I figure out

who or what I am,
you'll never see me again!

- You're Irish.
- You're Irish. - You are Irish!

- You are Irish!
- You're an Irishman!

- Shh!


You... are screaming!

Haven't you noticed that everyone else

in here is speaking at a normal volume?

Shut up!

Shut up. Shut up.

- You listen to me, you bitch.
- Get her, banshee.

I will speak at whatever
volume I choose,

and if you don't like it, you can suck

my big fat dick!

One volume? For every single
person in the whole wide world?

That's socialism,
and I won't stand for it!

We should be able to speak

at whatever volume we identify with!

Because that is the American way!

But you are not in America!

We are America, sweetheart!

And we carry our country
with us wherever we go!

Because we love her!
And when you love someone,

you can't bear to leave 'em behind!

Not ever!






Aah! Aah!

g*dd*mn it!

I can't do this!

I'm sorry, Dad.

I can't do it.

This isn't fair.

I shouldn't have to
carry you up this hill.

You never carried me up a hill.

You never picked me up from school.

You didn't read me bedtime stories.

You didn't carry me on your shoulders.

You didn't bounce me on...
You weren't there!

[CRYING]: And I needed you!

I needed you there.

You were supposed to carry me!

You were supposed to carry me.


Ah, Frank's right. I'm glad you're d*ad.

I'm glad you're d*ad.

Now I don't have to
spend the rest of my life

waiting for you to pick me up.





- Hey, buddy!
- Charlie! - Charlie!

I'm so sorry that I k*lled your dad!

But I'm even more sorry
that we left you behind!

We should have never left you, buddy!

We should have never left America!

- FRANK: We should have...
- Yeah! I miss Philly.

Let's go home!

- Yeah.
- I may be Irish, but I'm American Irish first!

How did you get the truck?

The American way.
I threw a lot of cash at the owner.

- Come on.

Let's put him in the back and
throw your dad off the cliff!

- Let's go! Come on, Charlie!

- DEE: Come on!
- FRANK: Yeah!

ALL: One. Two. Three.

- DENNIS: Ooh!
- MAC: Oh!

- Oh.
- Oh, shit.

- Okay, uh...
- Ooh.

It was supposed to go in the water.

Maybe they usually do this at high tide.

- DEE: They probably did, yeah.
- MAC: Oh.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Well, the birds will get him.

- Okay.
- Yeah, but should we try to scramble our way down there

and throw him in the water?

- Eh...
- We could, but...

But there's a bunch of kids down there.

- Oh, there's kids!
- Are there kids? Oh, shit. - Yeah.

- Oh, that's good, then. They'll find the body.
- Ah, yeah.

- Well, that's nice. Okay.
- And they'll call the cops.

It-It'll be sort of like
a Stand by Me situation.

- Yeah. - Might be fun for them.
- Oh, yeah, it'll be good.

All right, you know what, guy?
Here's what I'm feeling.

Forget this dude.
He was a deadbeat, right?

- Can we just go home?
- Yes.

- Thank you, Charlie.
- Let's go home. - Right? Yeah.

- Yeah, let's go. Let's go.
- Yes.

You want... you want to get some stew?

- God, no. That stew's gross.
- Yeah, man. - Stew?

- Oh, it is kind of nasty.
- Yeah.

You guys want to go to McDonald's?

- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

- Oh. Oh, McDonald's.





♪ Born down in a d*ad man's town ♪

♪ The first kick I took
was when I hit the ground ♪

♪ End up like a dog that's
been b*at too much ♪

♪ Till you spend half your
life just coverin' up ♪

♪ Now, born in the U.S.A. ♪

♪ I was born in the U.S.A. ♪

♪ I was born in the U.S.A. ♪

♪ Born in the U.S.A. now,
got in a little... ♪



I want to go somewhere exotic.

[LAUGHS] Ireland, baby!

NARRATOR: An all new season.

Do you mind if I go sample
some of your jellies?

- No, help yourself.
- Delightful.


- A banquet...
- What?

- Ew.

- ...of humiliation...

- ...and m*rder.
- Wait, what?


All right.
This is why Irish people hate Americans.



COLIN ROBINSON: Everything you
want to know about vampires,

- it's right here.

- I'm in love.
- LASZLO: She's half-chicken

- Nobody's perfect


MAN: Cash or card?

- I will not be paying for anything.
- Got it.

NANDOR: They have wellness vampires now.

- Stretch those hammies!

Feel the burn!

She has changed my life.


No one has seen a stolen food truck,
would ya?

Um... no.

Someone stole a truck. Broad daylight.

- MAN: Put your seatbelt on.
- Seatbelt?

Put your seatbelt on or
we're not leaving. Jeez!

MAN: Your good thieves. Best in town.

Thank you.

It is a small town.

It is hard to be a warrior with dignity.

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