This programme contains
some strong language.
Is that all right?
It looks lovely.
You've done a brilliant job, Alan.
Aye, no bother.
Can I get my Magnum now?
People are going to start arriving soon.
And plus we've still got all this stuff
from the Christmas market to put out.
What are they?
They're just wee traditional
German gingerbready things.
They look brilliant, though, don't they?
Do you want to try one?
- Aye, go on.
What do you think?
Are you putting Doritos out as well?
- Hi, Michelle.
How you doing?
So good to see you.
What's with all the lights?
Is it Christmas or something?
Well, I think your house looks absolutely
lovely. It puts ours to shame.
I like yours.
It's that wee bits of tinsel you've
got at the front there on your hedge?
No, it's just some crisp bags we've no
had the chance to pick out yet, Michelle.
There you go.
- Thank you.
- All right, Eric, hi.
Merry Christmas, Alan.
Thanks for inviting us.
No bother, Beth.
- Thought we deserved a wee get-together.
Party season, Michelle.
I had my worst night out last night.
- Aye. What did you get up to?
Quite traditional, Eric.
Big curry then up to the pole dancing.
I'll get that.
You sit yourselves down.
Well, it is now.
Yeah, you're looking lovely, Michelle.
And so do you, Kathy.
Aye, so she does.
Here, I love your wee reindeers there.
They're so cute, aren't they?
Beautiful animals, reindeer.
You ever eaten one?
- Colin loves his meat, Michelle.
OK, everybody, we're here.
Hiya, Kathy, hi, Colin.
Take Cathy's coat, will you, Alan.
You big, chunky monkey.
Here's a wee bottle for you, Michelle.
You are kind.
That's just in case, you know,
you don't have any in the hoose.
You cannae have a Christmas party
without a wee bit of mistletoe.
Well, I suppose not?
I'll kiss anyone except Eric.
Right, who's ready for a wee drinky poos?
Shall we start with a wee glass of
That would be lovely, aye.
- Can I get a cider?
No, you're getting them.
So, er you're looking forward
to Christmas then?
Aye, we're just going
to have a lazy day, aren't we, Cath?
Yeah. Who can be arsed getting up
at am to open presents?
That's my favourite bit I love a surprise.
Well, no pressure, Eric.
No, I've got it all sorted.
What are you getting her?
- A blender.
Here we are.
So you're staying at home
for Christmas, then?
What are yous doing for Christmas dinner?
Getting a Chinese.
- A Chinese?
We've got a voucher from The New City.
Aye, they're doing a Christmas banquet.
It's five courses.
- Er, six.
If you include the litre of Pepsi.
Lovely, thank you.
- Right, well, thank you so much for coming.
- Merry Christmas.
Get that, would you, Alan?
Is it OK?
- It's lovely, aye. Very good.
- Hi, Christine How are you doing?
Aye, no' bad, son.
- Are you coming in?
No, I'm going round the doors
singing f*cking carols.
Of course I'm coming in.
- Are you all right, Christine?
- Hiya, Christine.
All right, Christine, ready to party?
That's me just back from the chapel.
Father DeMarco gave Pat another wee mention,
so it was quite emotional.
How long's that been now?
Two months, three weeks
come Tuesday since she passed.
Quite a milestone.
Christine, I remember the first Christmas
after my granny died.
Remember that, Alan?
Aye, that dragged on right through
to New Year.
I don't know how I'll be without her.
Every Christmas morning, for years,
we were on the phone to each other
except for when she got that
f*cking cordless Sanyo.
You must really miss her.
I do, Michelle.
I still feel her presence
in the house sometimes.
Though it could be the smell
of f*g aff that anorak
she left at the bottom of my stairs.
Well, listen, would you like
a drink of something, Christine?
We're all on the prosecco.
I'm no' sure about that.
It just wouldnae feel right.
Come on, you can have something, though.
- Well, what would Pat have had?
Aye, you're right.
I'll take a can of Stella
and a large Jack Daniels and Coke.
Was church busy?
It was, Beth, yes.
I had to take my stick to make sure
I got a seat down the front.
I love church at Christmas.
So do I, Michelle.
That one next to the Santander is beautiful.
That's a Wetherspoons, is it not?
It is, Eric, yeah.
Father DeMarco has asked me,
seeing as I'm now one of his regulars,
if I would like to do a wee reading
at Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve.
That's a nice thing to do, Christine.
It is, Beth.
Busiest night of them all.
They're talking about a row
of Portaloos being brought in
to deal with the crowd
that comes straight from the pub
Well, listen, help yourself to a wee nibble.
These look lovely.
Got them at the German market.
We passed that the other day,
didn't we, Eric?
All the hams and hot dogs and stuff.
They know how to divvy up a pig, that lot.
Colin's tried knuckles.
Well, listen, I don't know how good
they are, but have a wee taste
I just thought they looked quite
nice and Christmassy.
Bless you, my angel.
Bless you all.
You have been a fantastic support
to me these last few weeks.
You really have.
Peace be with you.
Right, what do you think?
They're f*cking stinking, Michelle.
So was it last night you were on
your work's night?
It was, aye. Friday before Christmas,
people staggering about,
pissed out their minds.
It sounds brilliant.
Aye, the boss gave us all wee Santa
hats to wear.
Did he, aye? Get you all in
the party mood? Aye, it's good.
If they see you peeing on the CCTV
cannae tell who's who.
So nice to see yous.
Come in, come in.
Go on, you boys.
- Good to see you.
- Merry Christmas, son.
Look, he's got the Christmas jumper on.
I've got a new bra on, Gordon.
- Hello, Ian.
We were very sorry
to hear about your friend, Pat.
Thank you, Gordon.
It has been a difficult time,
but I have found comfort in the arms
of the Lord.
And this JD's taken the edge off it as well.
Give us a proper look at the jumper,
Look at the stars,
I looked at something like that for Eric.
Never mind the stars,
you'd get the whole of Bethlehem across him.
Now that's for you.
- Aw, thank you.
Just as a wee thank you for inviting us.
Gordon, Gordon I spy mistletoe.
So you two all set, then,
all set for Christmas?
Just about, yeah.
- What's your plans, the pair of you?
We're going down to my mum and dad's.
Yeah, we were just talking to them earlier
and I know it's a bit late in the day,
but they've said if you
fancied, you could come down with us
and have Christmas at theirs.
- Well, er...
Well, you've not got anything on, have you?
- No, no, no, no.
It's just going to be us.
- They'd be so pleased if you came.
What will you do, Christine?
I'll be fine.
I've got my Midnight Mass
and Christmas Day itself,
I will just spend in quiet reflection.
Are you sure?
Godzilla's on Channel .
Well, OK, then, why not?
- I'll text him now.
Wish them a merry Christmas from us, Gordon.
And stick a wee kiss on the end
to Sandra from me.
Do you want to send a wee
kiss to Graham, Cath?
- Gordon's dad.
Remember Gordon's dad Graham?
- Yeah, yeah.
Two for your mum from me.
I'm hoping he gives me one
of the good bits, Alan, you know,
like, when they turn up
at the inn or something,
though I don't think I should get
the birth itself.
That should be left for someone
who's fully ordained.
Are you sure your mum and dad will
be all right on the sofabed?
Yeah, yeah, they'll be fine.
Not unless they went in my old room
and we took the sofabed.
Honestly, they'll be fine.
Or maybe my mum and dad
might want to give them their room,
they go on the sofabed
and we go in my old room.
I'll need to get a present
for Graham and Sandra.
Tin of biscuits?
How would you feel if somebody turned up
at your house for Christmas
with a tin of biscuits?
Gordon, I'll need to get
a present for your mum.
Don't worry about that.
- No, no, no. I'll need to get something.
Well, get her a voucher. That's what we give
to people we're not fussed about.
That's what we gave them.
- But also for special people like you.
Something for the house maybe?
An air fryer.
- Aye, good for chips.
Bugger that, better still...
Has she got a deep fat fryer?
Aye, Beth, you could get her that
and then Ian could get her
a couple of bottles of oil.
No, we do a Secret Santa,
so what happens is everyone gets
given someone to buy for,
but you're not allowed to say
who it is and then you put them
in the big red bag and then everyone
opens them and you guess who bought what?
And what's the limit, Gordon?
Does she smoke?
B&M, Beth, get in there.
Aw, you could have a field day
in there with that budget.
Secret Santas actually save a lot of hassle.
That's what we did in my work
Santa getting you wee secret presents,
What did you get?
This wee karaoke set thing.
That sounds no' bad.
- No, but it's with kazoos.
- It's quite fun.
Where is it, Alan?
I think it's through in my bag.
Go and get it.
So what you two got planned
for Christmas, then?
We'll be having a very lazy day, Ian.
In fact, I'll not be getting
in my pyjamas the whole day.
Obviously, I'll pull them down for that.
What about Christmas dinner?
We got vouchers for the Chinese.
- It's a banquet, Gordon.
That means a lot of it goes in the bin.
Is this it?
- That's that.
How you play it?
Someone picks a card
with the name of a song on it
and you play it on the kazoo and
then somebody guesses what it is.
We'll have a wee game of it, will we?
- Aye, come on.
Yeah, let's all play kazoos
and then get stuck into the f*cking
- Don't listen to her, Michelle.
Right, well, who wants to go first?
Dad, you do it.
- Aye, on you go, Eric.
Well, all right, then, OK.
Er, right, I'll take that one.
And then someone has to guess the
name of the song he's playing.
I'm no' sure I'm in the mood
for games, Michelle.
You wanting another JD?
- Please, aye.
I'll do it I love games.
Cathy, have you ever played the one where...
- Good lad, Gordon.
OK, Eric, pick a card.
- All right, aye, look.
This was on in the car this morning.
No clues, Eric.
OK, you ready?
I know it.
- I know.
I know too.
Come on, you must know that.
Do it again for him.
- Such a great song.
Can you do it again?
It is a big honour to be asked, Cathy,
I mean, Midnight Mass is like no other mass
in the whole rest of the year.
In what way?
- Well, it's at f*cking midnight for a start.
And what time would they normally sit down?
About four or something?
Well, what time would you normally have it?
No later than two.
Well, two's fine.
But that means you're sitting
down for your starter at half one?
For God's sake, would you stop
fussing about this?
Can I get one of them?
- Aye, f*re in.
So when are you getting down the road, then?
- Jeez, don't.
That'll be the next thing.
"What day are we going?"
"What time are we leaving?"
"What service station are we
stopping at for an Pound coffee?"
Michelle's the same.
See for this, she's wanting to
bake cakes and everything.
I says to her, "What is the point?"
"It's only the f*cking neighbours."
Honest to God,
I'm stressed out my nut already.
Come on out the back a minute.
Where did you get that?
- On my work's night out.
Christine, how are you feeling?
Do you want a wee mince pie?
Thanks very much, Michelle.
And where'd you get these?
Well, the German market?
No, you're all right, hen.
I'm so pleased you're coming for Christmas.
We're looking forward to it.
It's lovely of your mum
and dad to invite us.
Plus, we don't have to cook.
You'll be waited on hand and foot,
the pair of you.
Change for her, no' for him.
See when you're a guest,
you need to be on your best behaviour.
No wandering about in your pants.
And none of your big,
smelly shits either, Eric.
Yeah, that's a point.
How many bathrooms
has your mum and dad got?
Just the one.
Has she no' got
a wee cloakroom downstairs, Gordon?
When I was down at our Sophie's,
her boyfriend did all his number twos
at the gym, so there was no
That's a good idea.
Is there a pub or anywhere close by
he could use, Gordon?
Haven't done this for years.
- Me neither.
Well, apart from last night.
- Was it a mad one, was it?
It's just cos one of the guys gave it to me
because he was going home early, so...
- That was nice him.
Aye, and they wouldnae let him take
it with him in the ambulance, so, yeah.
What are you doing?
Just having a wee smoke.
- You want some?
Does he no' take a smoke?
Yeah, yeah, I take a smoke.
Good old Christmas marijuana joint.
Right, anybody for another drink?
Beth, what about yourself?
Go on, why not?
I'll take one if you're going through,
Christine, another drink?
I'll take a lager, Michelle.
Maybes a Jack Daniels.
Actually, I think Pat
would want me to have both.
Boys, boys, boys.
So this is where the party is, is it?
Nah, we were just going to head in,
I'll come in and give
you a wee hand, Michelle.
Honestly, Colin, it's fine. I'll manage.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Listen, I don't mind. I don't mind at all.
- I'll just get by you.
Well... I forgot all about that
wee bit of mistletoe up there.
We were just having a wee chat
about Christmas traditions.
- Aye, the mistletoe.
Who brought that, anyway?
I'll have a lager if you're going in.
You all right?
We were just saying
how much we're looking forward
to going down to Gordon's mum and dad's.
What'll you be getting
for your Christmas dinner?
What's your mum cooking on Christmas Day?
Is it turkey?
Is it turkey?
It will just be the usual
Christmas type thing
Turkey, roast potatoes...
I like potatoes.
- Yeah, I know. I know.
And green Brussels sprouts.
Well, we'll be happy with whatever.
I think there's red cabbage involved.
Here we go.
- Thank you, Michelle.
We'll be having duck, won't we, Cath?
That's no' really a Christmas dinner,
though, is it?
Who says? Who decided we should
have turkey at Christmas anyway?
Well, Gordon, you're brainy.
We're does the Christmas turkey come from?
Why are they looking at me?
It's just tradition, isn't it?
Well, I'll no' be bothering with
turkey if I'm just sat there myself.
Christine, are you sure
you'll be all right on your own?
I'll be fine.
Aww, Christine, you know we'd have
you over at ours,
but we're away all day.
You can do the toilet anywhere you like.
Mind you, it can be a long day
when you're sat there by yourself.
Christine, why don't you just
phone some people?
You know? That's what old folks do,
isn't it, at Christmas time?
f*re up the old landline.
There is one person
that I would always phone on
Christmas Day, Cathy.
But sadly, this year, I can't.
Just won't be the same with her.
Here's to Pat.
Pat over the back.
Pat over the back.
Pat over the back.
It's no' Pat they're laughing at.
Sorry, Christine. Sorry about this.
Sorry, but, it's...
What's going on?
What's the matter wi' them?
We just had a wee smokin' oot the back door.
Is that what you were doing outside?
For God's sake, Alan.
This is supposed to be a Christmas party.
Have you been smoking drugs?
I'm so sorry, Christine.
What is it?
What did they do?
They smoked some "stuff" outside.
Well, Pat would not like that.
She enjoyed her f*g,
but she never, ever touched the ganja.
Look at him.
He's off his tits.
What are you playing at?
It was just a bit of fun.
Just a bit of fun.
- No, no, no, no.
This is Alan's fault.
Alan, apologise to Christine.
I mean, I feel terrible.
Right in the middle of when she's
talking about Pat over the back...
It's all right, Michelle.
It's no' your fault.
Would you like us to light
a wee candle for her?
I mean, I know you probably lit one
in the chapel,
but we could light
one here for her now, if you'd like.
That's a nice idea.
That would be lovely, Michelle.
I tell you what we could do.
Shall we just go out for another wee smoke?
Naw, remember those lantern thingies
that we bought?
Why don't we go oot and light one of them?
Aw, they're nice, them.
Aye, they are.
And we're needin' rid of them, so...
Right, here we go.
Not yet, Alan.
Christine, do you want to light it?
No, I-I'll just watch.
Me and Cathy were having a word, and...
With everything that's happened,
it doesnae sit right with us to know
that you're going to be in there
on Christmas Day on your own,
having to make your own dinner.
So, we've decided...
we're going to make you a plate leftovers
from our Chinese.
It's a beautiful...
It's going towards Pat's house.
Merry Christmas, Christine.
And merry Christmas to you, too, Gordon.
Is he all right?
It's lovely to see so many
of you here tonight,
and you all look wonderful in your
Now, to start things off,
I'm going to call upon Mrs O'Neill
to come up and say a few words
Thank you, Father.
In the event of a f*re...
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05x03 - Christmas Special
Episode transcripts for the TV show "Two Doors Down". Aired: April 1, 2016 to present.
"Two Doors Down" is set in Glasgow, Scotland and centers around a couple and their insufferable neighbors.
1 post • Page 1 of 1
1 post • Page 1 of 1