03x03 - The Mark

[bunniefuu]

This USPIS broad... how'd she find you?

I don't know, really.

I think it was soon
after we moved up to Alaska.

I think I saw her at a bar.

Ohh. Trouble in paradise?

- I was working.
- Drinking.

- Waitressing.
- Dancing.

- I was serving deep-fried fish.
- In a thong.

- Okay.
- Okay, all right.

Am I interested in hearing about
how you shook your ass for money?

Yes, but not in a legal sense.

What did you know about this chick?

Not too much, but she
knew a lot about us.

♪

Kids, look who it is.

- Hey, Mayor.
- Good morning, Mayor.

- Morning, Fleischers.
- Morning, Mayor.

[Chuckles]

How great is this town, huh?

Look at this... the
vegetables time the size

'cause of times the sun.

Mmm!

[Slow-motion groaning]

[Gagging, coughing]

Ugh!

Why would you use dirt?

- [Muffled voice] Water!
- Oh, that's a good idea.

Give me water! Fast!

[Gargling]

[Gasps] All right!

- [Coughing]
- Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor!

- Give me that!
- Don't yell at him!

Why are you yelling at him? What
do you mean, "Don't yell at him"?

I asked for water!

[Indistinct arguing]

I need to find my way into this family.

In past investigations,
I have sought out

the stupidest member of the organization

to infiltrate and extract intel.

In this way, the Parkers
pose a unique problem...

they are all so uniquely stupid.

[Grunting]

How do you like it, huh?! God!

♪ Somewhere behind the mountains ♪

♪ There is a place I'm thinkin' ♪

[Distorted music plays]

[Tires screech]

[Rock music playing]

Edie: Robin Randall,

the matriarch of the family,
is drunk, as usual.

- I call, "Switch, witch!"
- Whoo!

Switch, witch!

It's called a Chinese fire drill.

You do it in traffic so it has stakes.

- This is just stupid.
- Switch, witch!

- Jesus Christ, act your age.
- Yeah!

This woman's had more th birthdays

than a mid-range tapas bar.

[Rock music playing]
[Indistinct shouting]

Yeah! Yeah!

You want me to call your mom?!

Hi!

♪

No! No pictures!

- [Camera shutter clicking]
- Shame on you!

- No pictures in here!
- [Camera shutter clicks]

- Ugh. Ugh.
- [Heaving]

Oh, don't you dare. No, no, no!

Oh, God.

- No!
- [Camera shutter clicks]

- Take that, mailbox!
- That's the mail. I just...

[Camera shutter clicking]

Woman: Now it'll get there on time!

- Mm!
- Mm!

- Babe.
- Mm-hmm?

- You're home early.
- Mm-hmm.

That's good to see.

What are you wearing?

- Hmm?
- What is that?

Mnh. Is that a toaster with tits on it?

- Mm-hmm.
- Let me guess.

[Ditzy voice] It's super gender playful

'cause tits are, like,
a social construct anyway.

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, my God. You drunk again?

- Hmm? Mnh.
- "Mnh."

So, not sh*t-faced, but
somewhere in between. Okay.

Hey, oh, oh, oh, guess what.

Narvin gave me
a special bottle of pills,

and guess what I can do now.

- Hmm? Mmm!
- Right?

- Mm-hmm.
- What do you say?

- Want to take it for a spin?
- Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

I don't know what this stupid
moaning thing you're doing is,

but I kind of like it.

- Mnnnnh.
- Look at these.

- Jesus Christ, they're big.
- Mm-hmm.

I can get in there with you, I bet.

Check this out.
Oh, my God, look at that.

Oh, my God. Hey, you know what?

These are better then Fundies.

We could market these. Trust me.

I used to work
at Spencer's Gifts in college.

That's where I got bitten
by the inventor bug.

These things would fly off the shelves.

Mnh...

Oh, yeah, I am literally in your pants.

Let's get some.

Ahh!

Oh, my God, why would you do that?!

[Muffled voice] I'm sorry.
It was in my mouth.

- I can see that!
- It was just building up so fast.

- Then swallow that.
- Gross. I don't swallow.

Why not? It's a natural fluid.

It's so salty.

And there's so much of it.

God. Well, spitting it's insane, okay?

Now I'm so messy!

Spitting?
That's for first dates and nuns.

What's this chick's problem?

How hard did you bite your tongue?

- Ugh.
- [Spits]

[Lisping] I didn't. I pierced it.

You what? Why would you do that?

Peer pressure... mostly.

Um, they said I was a lame-o.

Well, you are a lame-o, okay?

But that's why I like you.

But they do say that
it makes blowjobs better.

Blowjobs are already pretty good.

But if they can get better...

- Mm.
- Mm.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- What?

I didn't go through with it.

I got scared and I pulled away

and the thing was
still on there and it tore.

Okay. So you've got
a giant hole in your tongue

[lisping] giving you a
massive speech impediment.

Mm-hmm.

- And blowjobs are staying the same.
- Mm-hmm.

- So much blood.
- I know, but we can put a towel down.

Why would you put a towel
down, you Neanderthal?

- Come here.
- All right, all right.

- It's been awhile.
- Okay.

- [Groans] Wait.
- What?

- Oh, my God.
- See? That's what...

- It hurts so bad.
- Just... Okay, just shh.

- I'll just take this off.
- No kissing. Great.

- No kissing.
- Yeah.

Just this. That's it. That's it.

- Oh, God!
- What? Oh, yeah, I did that, too.

Why would you do that?

I didn't really go through with it.

Oh, so you've got two more giant holes.

Yeah. One, two, three.

Listen, I'm super happy
you've made new friends.

I'm not sure about
their influence on you.

But you've been
for way too many years

to be acting like this, okay?

I'm gonna go take a shower, okay?

What are you gonna do about that guy?

That's... been taken care of by this.

God.

- I love you.
- I love you, too.

- Okay.
- Okay.

You're a sh*t show. Go to sleep.

Okay.

Oh, my God, now they hurt so bad.

- Yeah.
- Why do they hurt so bad?

I will not make contact
with Robin Randall

mostly because I cannot
imagine spending any time

with this pathetic woman. Ugh.

- 'Cause they're the boobs.
- Ugh.

Stop talking about your tits.

♪

Jared Parker, a.k.a. Jareb Parker,

a.k.a. Jareb Parkour.

He's the walking, talking epitome

of idiotic burgeoning male privilege.

Against all odds, good things
just keep happening to this kid.

[Soft instrumental music playing]

We were a traditional town,
traditional values.

We had the same mayor for years.

_

[Laughing] Llama?!

He was not a llama. He was an alpaca.

[Chuckling]

Narrator: This is the story
of American politics

like you've never heard.

_

[Birds chirping]

[Mid-tempo piano music playing]

[Indistinct conversations]

Big Dong June was an
-year-old sandy-brown alpaca

and mayor of this tiny Alaskan
town on the Kenai Peninsula.

During his terms,
he increased tourism,

by some estimates, up to %.

He was so good for this town.
_

His smile...
_

kids loved it.

Really straight teeth, good gums.

He was my best friend.

Narrator: Tragically, Big Dong
June's life was cut short

by a giant tomato infested
with longhorn crazy ants.

Order. Order. Hello.
_

Thank you all for coming today.
_

As you all know, our beloved
mayor, Big Dong June,

has passed away.

Yes.

But we are all here today
to come up with new ideas

for the who the chosen mayor shall be.

Sasha: We cannot have
a hereditary dynasty.

We need a real mayor,
a two-footed mayor.

Council rebuttal, please.

I would really like
to see a Jewish mayor.

[Laughter]

Straight Jack: Oh, please,
let's be realistic.

We need someone who can bring
in at least tourists a year

to this town, and that's an alpaca.

I think Nigel would make a great mayor.

Let me tell you something.

Shamu's been dead for years,

but people still go to
SeaWorld to see Shamu.

You know why?

Because they didn't
replace a majestic orca

with a g*dd*mn box turtle!

Struck!

Next.

Narrator: Some people think
democracy's broken.

Our generation is here to take
democracy back for the people.

And to do that is to vote.

There's no way we're gonna
let our town turn into...

Man: Holy sh*t!

Hey! That boy just did a
backwards flip off here!

- A backflip.
- Yeah.

He hopped right up here and did a
backwards flip right off there.

That was flippin' amazing.
Did y'all see that?

He does it all the time.

You would not believe it.
_

This young boy jumps up on
_

this -foot lectern
_

like one of them African gazelles.

Then he goes and does the most graceful
_

triple-double backwards flip
_

I've ever seen.
_

It was downright biblical.

When people saw that backflip,

the political landscape of
this town was changed forever.

All those in favor?

- Yea!
- Yes!

- All opposed?
- Nay.

[Gavel bangs]

The motion has been passed.

The mayor shall be a mammal.

[Spectators clamoring]

I mean, that furry horse
basically did nothing...

and I mean nothing.

It's a ceremonial position.

The mayor does nothing.

I do nothing all the time.
_

I mean, it's pretty much
_

my favorite thing to do.
_

Sometimes I want to invite
someone to do nothing with me,

but then I realized that's
something, so I don't do it.

[Distorted voice] So, where...
I'm looking down here?

Here?

Which?

_

Which... Here?
_

At you. Okay.
_

I didn't love the idea

of our son becoming
a tourist attraction.

You know, he's the kind of...
_

You can obscure both of us, right?
_

You... You have that ability?
_

[Normal voice] Great. Great.
_

[Distorted voice] Yeah, we, um...
_

We're... We're private people, you know?
_

We don't like the attention.
_

[Distorted voice] And she is not suggesting
_

that we're criminals by
any stretch of the imagination.

[Normal voice] No, it's...

[Distorted voice] We're
not on the run or anything.

[Normal voice] Why [distorted
voice] would you even bring that up?

[Normal voice] It's
[distorted voice] working.

What's working?

[Normal voice] The... The...

Right? You can cut [distorted
voice] this out, right?

This is...
_

Just...

All in favor for Big Dong Ill.
_

- Aye!
- Aye!

All in favor for Jareb
Parker, the boy who flips?

- Aye!
- Aye!

All in favor for Nigel the box turtle?

Narrator: After a hard-fought
run, the results were in.

It's a tie.

[Distorted voice] We
really should have voted.

[Distorted voice] No, don't
tell them we didn't vote.

[Normal voice] They're [distorted
voice] obscuring our identity.

He's not gonna know his
parents didn't vote for him.

[Normal voice] Who do you think

[distorted voice] he thinks we are?

[Normal voice] Well, with the

[distorted voice] voice
modulation and the pixilation,

we could be any random townsperson.

[Distorted voice] No, we make
we make specific references

to the fact that he's our child.

[Distorted voice] Who is
our child? See? Just like that.

The town must deliberate on
how we shall break this tie.

The floor is now open. Sheriff?

Coin flip.

Too complicated.

Staring contest.

That's Wasilla's thing.

Thumb wars. It's the only way.

Alpacas don't have thumbs.

What the [bleep] did you say?
Say it again.

- Say it again!
- Ma'am, excuse me. Can you...

Who are you?!

- [Bleep] you.
- Oh, no [bleep] you!

Excuse me! [Bleep] you!

Order! Hey, hey, hey, hey...

Narrator: Unable to reach a consensus
on a contest to break the tie,

a referendum was called.

All in favor of back flippin'.

I voted for oat eating. I mean,
alpacas can't do backflips.

I mean, it wouldn't be fair.

And I like oats. They're like
my fifth favorite snack.

It looks like oat eating is our winner.

[Dramatic music playing]

This is so embarrassing.

Welcome to our democracy.

Alaska-style.

Hey, this is our interview.
Our interview.

- Woman: Faster!
- [Indistinct shouting]

- Good luck, Dong!
- Let's go!

That alpaca's kicking your ass, son.
[Laughs]

If I had any money,
it'd be on that flippin' boy.

[Shouting continues]

Narrator: The alpaca was handed
a decisive victory,

but in an ironic twist,

Big Dong Ill would suffer
the same fate as his father...

eating something that k*lled him.

So, we decided to put
the partisan bickering aside

for the good of the town
and let the boy govern.

I got some pretty big
plans for this town.

Now watch this backflip.

Mayor Jareb Parker,

a kid who would tell me everything

if only he knew... anything.

[Camera shutter clicking]

[Car door closes]

The girl... Delilah... I feel
like she's up to something,

but I have neither the
interest nor resources

to follow the drama surrounding
a -year-old girl.

That leaves us with... Nate Parker.

I probably didn't need
to make a list of four people,

but I'm very visual.

Why the hell is milk $ a gallon?

Can't you use your powers
to do something about that?

What do you want me to do about it?
I mean, I'm just a flipping mayor.

Okay, well, the mayor's gonna have to

eat his cereal with water

'cause I'm not buying
milk for this price.

- Okay.
- Morning, Mayor.

Hi. [Chuckles nervously]

We study poli sci at the college,

and we had some thoughts
about your administration.

Sasha: You could be so much more
than backflips.

Like what? Front flips or s-something?

- Can we grab...
- We got to get this.

- Are you sure? That has...
- Super "D."

What are you doing here?

Dad, this is a friend of mine.

Hey. I'm Mason.

Hey, Mason. How are you?

Are we doing this?

Yes. Okay. Yeah. All right, sure, man.

[Grunts] Good. A handshake, too. Okay.

- Doodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-oodle.
- That's long enough.

Pssch! Unh!

Nice to meet you, fam! What up?

Not much... at all.

Yo, I'm looking at this
little fool, and he be like,

"Er, I'm not so sure
about this little brown boy."

I never said that. [Chuckles]

You seem like a nice, stand-up kid.

He is. That's exactly what he is.

I know. That's why I said it.

Yo, you don't got
to worry about me none.

I don't drink. I don't do dr*gs.

I'm saving myself for marriage.

Somehow that makes me trust you less.

[Laughs hysterically]

Oh, man.

Hey, speaking of a stand-up guy,

I got a one-man comedy
flow I'm gonna do.

You should pop by and check out my game.

Yeah. Yeah, okay.
Yeah, sure. I like games.

You better, or you're a r*cist.

[Laughs] Oh, God!

J-play. J.K.

J-play all day.

D, let's bounce.

Holy sh*t. What the hell was that?

That's the guy you like?

Mm-hmm, but mostly I'm just
using him for his car.

I'll let you use our car.

[Objects clatter]

Stop flipping!

♪

- Hey.
- Sorry I'm late. Did I miss it?

No, you didn't. Apparently
it's dope to start an hour late.

- Is that him?
- That is him.

- Yeah!
- Oh. Oh! That's... That's fancy.

Did you sign off on this guy?

Yeah. I had no choice. She likes him.

He's harmless.

How many -year-olds

have enough material for a one-man show?

What is he gonna talk about

besides video games and jerking off?

Our son is the mayor.
Kids are capable of things.

That was an accident.

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo! Show some love!

- Make some noise!
- [Applause]

Give it up for "Massan"!

I thought you said his name was Mason.

That's how he introduced himself to me.

- Shh.
- Yeah! What up?

All right, everybody, listen up.
Listen up.

I met the girl of my dreams.

[Audience awws]

It was like when Kanye met Kim,
when Jay met Bey,

when Luke met Leia... before they knew.

[Laughter] [Chuckles]

It's a half-joke. Shh! It's very funny.

- Is it?
- It's funny because it's important,

and it's important because it's diverse.

Then why aren't you laughing?

So, check this.
Friday night, date night.

[Laughs loudly] So important.

Nobody's buying that.

So, I jump on my bike, and I ride over.

And I'm ridin' solo... not Han.

I'm talking Derulo.

Does he have a recumbent bike?

No. He's got a Miata. I've got a bike.

And I meet her dad.

And he gives me that look...

- [Audience groaning]
- that look all immigrant kids get

when all they're searching for
is a simple handshake and hello.

That's exactly what I did.
I shook his hand and said hello.

And this guy, Mr. NPR, Mr. Kale Salad...

I hate kale. But you love NPR.

I do. You know what he says to me?

"Nice to meet you, Tora Bora."

[Audience groaning]

- Yes!
- Oh, come on.

- Well, that's bad.
- Are you kidding me?!

In this day and age?!

Nice to meet you, Restrepo
Islamabad United / !

[Audience groaning]

I never said that. Who would say that?

Nobody, because it's not a sentence.

- So insulting.
- But I'm not stoop to his level

because when he goes low, I go fly.

- [Laughter]
- That's right.

So, I said, "I really care
for your daughter, sir."

She's the b*mb."

And, no lie, this guy be like,
"He's got a b*mb!"

Oh, so now you're r*cist
and you don't get ' s slang.

[Applause]

I guess I didn't get the E.O.
on waterboarding 'cause I...

[voice breaking]
I was choking on my own tears.

[Audience murmuring]

Now, out of respect
and fairness for my sanity,

brothers and sisters,
I've left this part of the show

- for your apology.
- [Audience murmuring]

Oh, he's not gonna apologize.

If he said all those awful
things, he should.

Delilah, please get out here.

Are you gonna let this douchebag
disparage your father like this?

Woman: You're the douchebag!

[Audience murmuring] Shut up!

You all know this kid is lying.

Delilah, speak.

Delilah, now!

Okay, okay, I guess I
should say something.

I, um... I think I should just
maybe formally apologize to you,

Mason... Massan,
if I offended you in any way.

- Wow.
- [Applause]

- What are you doing?
- I am choosing to support our daughter.

- She likes him. What am I gonna do?
- Well, she shouldn't.

I know she shouldn't,
but she does, okay,

and I don't want to push her away.

Ha. No, no, no.

That's not enough. Is it, folks?

Audience: No!

No, because he called you "Tora Bora."

[Audience murmuring]

I didn't, but okay. All right.

[Inhales sharply]
You're right, you know?

We... We, uh... We can do
better. I can do better.

We can all do better, right?

And, uh, Mason... Massan, next
time you drive over to my house

on your bicycle,

I will definitely not refer to you

as a remote mountainous
region in Afghanistan.

- Oh, my God, you...
- Shh.

Look at that.

- Boom goes the dynamite!
- [Hip-hop music plays]

And there's my mark,
you lonely, dopey fool.

Your love for your family
will be your downfall.

What are you, a snowflake?

You're a sweet little snowflake?

You keep your mouth shut now?

Just a joke! Just confetti!

♪ ...on the mic, make it sound... ♪

Oh, my, the game is tied - ,

seconds left on the clock,
and The Great One has the puck.

Look out! seconds left! sh**t!

seconds left! sh**t it in!

One second left! sh**t!

Here we go! Half-second left!

Quarter-second! [Indistinct]

Oh, my! Clear the track!

Here comes Kumaglak!

[Exhales heavily]

Looking good, Coach.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Do I know you?

Oh, hey. Did you guys
just move in next door?

I think I just have one of those faces.

Mm, no, I think I know you.

The bar the other night.
You were looking for me.

I was. I heard that you needed
some help, uh, coaching.

- You heard that.
- Yeah, I heard it.

What makes you think
that I need help coaching?

I mean, I could probably
use a little help.

Can you open a bench door?

Mm, I think so.

- Okay. You're hired.
- [Chuckles]

Just make sure you wear pants, okay?

- Pants. Got it.
- It's cold in here.

- [Chuckles]
- [Whistle blows]

Let's go. She sh**t. She scores.

Whoa! Ugh!

[Groans]

You can skate, right?

Oh. With skates on? Yeah.

- Yeah, for sure.
- Okay, great.

Okay. Get off the ice.

- [Whistle blows]
- Okay. Yep.

I can see your underwear. It's blue.

- [Whistle blows]
- Let's get some! Come on!