03x07 - The Water

[bunniefuu]

Why am I in Alaska?!

Ask my crust of son Nate Parker!

He's the one who has nothing
better to do with his life

than disappoint a woman

by promising to be with her forever.

Holy sh*t.

That's your mother?

Yeah.

- That explains a lot.
- Are you married?

And what shovel-faced herbivore

lets you jam your shriveled
manhood inside her

in some bloated imitation of passion?

Just thought it would be important
to have some family at the wedding.

And is that why you stood
her up at the altar?

No.

Marriage has never
really worked in my family.

If you're not gonna charge me,
at least stick it in me.

♪

How good is this, right?

Told you it was gonna be nice.

Best vacation ever!

[chuckles] God.

First time alone
in I don't know how long.

- Two years.
- No, it hasn't been that long.

Yeah, since the kids were born.

Well, I'll drink to that, then.

You certainly will.

Mmm.

Ohh!

Boats!

Am I right?

And water.

And floating.

I told you it was gonna be nice.

You did. You told me. Many times.

I said, "Me, you, boat, nice."

- That's exactly how you said it, yep.
- [grunts]

Man, you're drinking a lot, babe.

[dance music plays] Party boat.

Koo-ooh-koo-koo-koo! Koo-koo-koo!

TOGETHER: Koo-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!

Ah, they're doing it! Hey!

[Jamaican accent]
Jamaica me thirsty, mon!

[crowd cheering]

We're in the Dominican.

[normal voice] God,
I'm so good at accents.

You know, I was thinking
about inventing a game.

Hmm?

Where you do an accent
and you guess for points.

- Gimme one.
- Uh, mime.

Come on. Give me a good one.

How about a tongueless person?

Okay, how 'bout this? [grunts]

[Australian accent] G'day, mate.

Let's throw another wallaby
on the shrimp.

Huh? Dingo.

Kangaroo Jack.

I'm Paul Hogan from down in the Outback.

- Yeah, I get it.
- Bloomin' onion.

- I get it.
- "Crocodile Dundee."

You know? Mad Max.

- Mad Max. Mad Max.
- I heard you the first time.

[normal voice] Yeah?
Well, guess. It's a fun game.

It's not fun, nor is it a game.

You should put on a life jacket.

[Australian accent]
That's for nerds, mate.

Is it for nerds?

- Ah.
- Sorry, kids.

"Real sorry your dad drowned,"

but just look on the bright side, man...

"He looked super-cool doing it."

Damn straight.

'Cause he's Australian!

[normal voice] Two points for me.
That's how the game works.

[burps]

This is the best vacation ever.

Ahh! Told ya.

♪ Somewhere behind the mountains ♪

♪ There is a place I'm thinkin' ♪

[distorted music plays]

♪

[sighs]

So, listen. Um...

I know we're already together
and stuff, but, uh...

you know, I-I was thinking, you know,

we should take other steps.

So I got a question to ask you. Um...

[breathes deeply]

Ch-ch-ch-ch-chu.

Um...

Hey, can you sit back here
beside me, please?

I'm okay over here.

No, I wanna see your face
when I ask you the question.

♪

Come on.

Can you put on a happy face, please?

What? I didn't say "relax."

No, the smile thing's way worse.

How is that worse?

Because it's like you're saying
I'm not fine the way I am.

Because I'm not smiling,

it makes me less of a woman,
like I'm ugly.

Who would ever say you're ugly?

I'm not talking about me. I'm
talking about women in general.

How would a man feel
if he was told to smile?

Okay, "A," you weren't told.
I asked you politely.

Two, I didn't say "smile."
I said "put on a happy face."

- And, "C," I said...
- [deep voice] "Hey, sweetheart,

would it k*ll you
to smile a little bit?"

And, "D," didn't call you "sweetheart."

And, also, I don't talk like that.

So that's six now.

[normal voice] By telling someone
to alter their appearance,

you're invalidating the day
they're having, or the week

or the... last two years.

Maybe she's been all alone,
raising and cleaning up after

and feeding two screaming -year-olds

just to make your selfish
Rainbow Brite life

a little bit more pleasant.

Don't really feel like
smiling right now, do you?

Not when you yell at me.

I think I want out.

What? You want to go back already?

We just got out here.

No. I mean I just... I think...

I think maybe I want out of this.

No, trust me. I went to boat school.

They tell you the safest
place on the ocean

- is always in the boat.
- My God, you're not hearing me.

Yeah, well, you're gonna have
to wait for a bit 'cause...

the sail's all saggy right now.

What?

You don't know how to
get us back, do you?

Of course I know how to get us back.

You sail back with the wind.

But the wind's going that way right now.

So you're blaming the wind?

I'm sorry. What else would
you like me to blame it on?

Maybe the beers you guzzled.

Feel free to help out.

I mean, you haven't done a damn thing

the whole time you've
been on the boat. Okay?

Because let me tell you,

when I went to boating school...

Oh, wait! Oh! Nate. Oh, sh*t!

Oh, sh*t. Nate! Nate!

- Nate!
- Help! I'm sinking!

Well, take off that parachute
you're wearing!

It's my lucky jersey!
Throw me something!

Please!

Hey! Throw me a life jacket
or something!

What are you doing?!
What are you doing?!

I'm gonna save you!

Why would you do that?!

Because you said
you needed a life jacket.

I'm your life jacket. You're welcome!

No, you made things so much worse!

The boat's getting away!

Boat!

Boat!

Boat!

God, what's the matter with you?!

I'm sorry!

God, it's okay. Okay.

Calm down. Calm down, calm down.

We're gonna be okay.

I don't think we will.

_

[suspenseful music plays]

I think we should swim for it.

It's like five miles.

We're not gonna make it
with the rip current.

- I can make it.
- You won't.

That sounds like a bet.

Well, it's not.

Ready? Get some!

♪

[gasps]

♪

[gasps] Oh.

[breathes sharply]

- Foot cramp.
- You okay?

It's the rip currents.
They're too strong on top.

- Oh, are they?
- Yeah.

Mm.

I got to go down deep.

[breathes deeply] Get some.

♪

[groans]

They're too strong down there.

- How deep did I go?
- Pretty deep.

The back of your head
was almost completely submerged.

Oh, come on. Don't be like that.

- How long was I under?
- Like three seconds. Tops.

What? Bullshit!

♪

Oh. How long was that?

- Two seconds.
- What?

[spits]

Oh!

♪

_

Hoo!
_

Hoo!

Hoo!

Hoo!

- Hoo-hoo!
- What are you doing?

I'm making loud noises
to scare the sharks away.

That's bears.
Sharks you punch in the nose.

Ah! Now who's the idiot?

Okay, sharks don't have noses.

That's bear... Oh! Oh!

- What?! What?! What?!
- Oh, something...

Something just swam past my leg.

I think there's sharks out here.

Sweetie, one person every two years

gets att*cked by a shark, okay?

[screaming] You're fine.

Please, stop! Stop flailing! Please!

What? They smell fear.

Okay. Sorry. That's my scent
right now. I'm scared.

All right, well, go float over there.

I don't want them to smell
your p*ssy and think it's me.

Oh, my God. That's so emasculating.

Oh, shut up and grow some balls.

I've got balls, okay?

Big, big balls.

Personally, I wouldn't mind
if a shark came along

and put me out of my misery right now.

- What?
- Nothing.

Oh, my God.

That's how you sum up
your life right now? Misery?

It was a joke, Nate. Lighten up.

- It wasn't a joke.
- Come on. Yes, it was.

No, it's a joke when everything's fine

between the two of us, okay?

Not when we're fighting
every single second

of every single da... Aah!

Aah! Aah!

We're fine! Quit! Please! Stop!

Stop it! That was my foot.

It wasn't your foot, okay?

I know what your feet feel like, okay?

I rubbed your feet for like a year.

This was scaly and rough
and pointy and...

Aah! It's back! No!

It was my foot!!

I haven't had a chance
to get a pedicure.

♪
_

♪

[grunts]

[gasps]

[gags, coughs]

God, try and hold down
your chum, Nate. Come on.

[gags, coughs]

I think it's just all this
seawater I've been gargling.

I'm pretty sure it's
the hangover you have.

Well...

[vomiting] Nate. Come...

You're literally chumming up the water.

I swear to God. I swear
to God, if I believed in him,

as soon as we're out of this,
I am so done with you.

Oh, yeah, well, we're kinda
stuck together, aren't we?

Yeah, we are. We're stuck together.

We've been stuck together
ever since you knocked me up

the first time we did it.

And now it's two years later,
and it sucks so bad.

We're just going through
a rough patch, okay?

Terrible twos. Every...
Every couple goes through this.

I tried to get there, Nate.
I really did.

I really did, but I can't.

I mean, I don't even know who you are.

Yes, you do.

Who? Who are you?

I'm Nate "the Skate" Parker.

Yeah, well, that's about
the extent of it.

That's all I know. Well, that's
pretty much all there is to know.

Okay? I used to play hockey.
I got three friends.

I work. I come home and spend
time with you and the kids.

And I hate my mom.

I would hardly call napping
on the sofa all weekend

"spending time" with us, but all right.

I'm sorry.
I work hard at my job all week.

- Do you?
- Yes.

Mostly. Sometimes.

I mean, there's a lot of sitting, but...

And that requires you
to come home and pound beers,

- watch ice skating until you pass out?
- Hockey.

Wait. I'm not allowed
to blow off a little steam?

How miserable is your life
that you have to blow off steam?

My job sucks!

So when I come home on weekends...

- And week nights.
- I need to decompress.

Have a little respite.

Do you know how hurtful
that is to me, Nate?

You should look forward
to spending time with us.

That should be your blowing off steam.

That should be your respite.

Oh. And you're Ms. Perfect?

Never said I was.

Like I didn't have
to suffer through six months

of post-navel depression.

- Natal depression.
- What?

- Natal depression.
- Oh-ho-ho!

So funny, huh?

Always jokes at my expense.

- What?
- Nate-al.

You're depressed because
you're with Nate-all-the-time.

Oh, my God!

- You said "post-navel depression."
- Yeah.

And I was correcting you
because you sound like a real...

You know what? Forget it. Forget it.

This is our relationship.

This is us. This is who we are.

We're on two separate planes.

And if we get out of this alive,

I am taking the kids,
and I'm leaving you.

I don't ever, ever want
to see you again.

Oh, you think you're
depressed right now?

Try raising kids without a father.

I did fine without a father.
I'll be fine without a husband.

I'll just sprinkle a bunch of
beer cans all over the house

and dirty socks... same same.

Oh, trust me... I'll be seeing
you all the time, okay?

- By order of courts.
- All right.

Well, I'm gonna take
the kids and run away.

- How's that sound?
- I'd find you.

Yeah, trust me... You wouldn't.

And the kids are so young,

they wouldn't remember
anything about you.

[scoffs]

This is just beautiful.

Just beautiful.

We're left for dead
in the middle of the ocean,

surrounded by sharks.

- There's no sharks!
- There may be sharks.

And now you're telling me
you're gonna break up with me

and kidnap my kids.

What else could go wrong?!

- Huh?
- What is this?

What?

I'm waiting for you to tell me
what else could go wrong.

- This isn't bad enough?
- Aah! No!

- No!
- Oh, my God!

It's my foot!!

[vomiting]

God.

- [vomiting]
- No!

_

[nate panting]

You know, when my dad was
thinking about leaving my mom,

he made a pro and con list.

The pros outweighed the cons
each day, but in his case...

- there were zero pros with her.
- You want me to make a pro and con list?

Oh, sorry, you're busy doing
something else right now.

- Pro/con lists are really dumb.
- Oh, come on! Would you...

Pro... you are sweet with the kids.

Con... you're never around
to be with the kids.

Pro... you're okay-looking.

Well, that's about the sweetest thing
you've said to me in about a year.

Con... you screw it up
by growing gross facial hair

and dressing like
you can't wait to be fat.

Pro... you have an average-size penis.

- How is that a pro?
- Because if it's too big, then it hurts,

and it's too small, it comes with
a lot of psychological sh*t.

Pro... I got big, big balls.

Con... you are way too into how big
your balls are. They're useless to me.

No woman in the history
of the world has ever been like,

"Oh, I'm really into
how big your balls are."

- All of my girlfriends said...
- No, they haven't.

Another con... you
jerk off way too much.

I don't jerk off.

Oh, please! Nobody is in the bathroom

- taking dumps for that long.
- I am.

Okay, well, then another con...

you have a massive digestive issue,

and you need to look at your diet.

Well, maybe I wouldn't
jerk off so much... Ah!

If you decided to ever have sex with me.

Oh, I'm so sorry
I'm not always in the mood

when I have two-year-old twins

sucking on my bleeding tits all day.

Time to wean, okay!

They're asking for milk
in complete sentences.

I know, but I want them
to have strong bones.

You have cured them
of osteoporosis for life.

Con...

I really hate your stupid inventions.

- Which ones?
- All of them.

The radio shirt.

Which would come in pretty
handy right about now.

- High-heeled ice skates.
- Super sexy.

- Travel-size couch.
- That sucked.

- Oh, the chalkboard tie.
- What's wrong with it?

You change the patterns, you make notes.

It's so stupid.

Well, SkyMall didn't
think it was stupid.

They thought about having
a meeting with me.

What about your taxi service
where you call up a stranger

- and he drives you around in his van.
- Yeah, NateVan.

- You might as well call it RapeVan!
- I'd make it a rule.

The drivers aren't allowed to r*pe.

And your restaurant
that serves everything.

Don't talk bad about the Kitchen Sink.

No. You can't have a restaurant
that serves everything.

Not with that attitude.

Well, who's gonna cook all this food?

The best chef in the world.

- So you're gonna have French fries...
- Yep.

- And sushi and...
- Yep.

- Haggis and...
- Yep

- mulligatawny soup.
- Yep.

And burgers and pizza...

And congee and ackee
and Ethiopian injera.

Yes, everything.

- What about escamoles?
- I don't know what that is.

It's ant larvae harvested
from an agave plant.

That sounds disgusting.

Well, it's the caviar of insects,
and the Oaxacans love it.

Well, then we have it, okay,
'cause we have everything.

Why is it so hard for you
to wrap your head around that?

- Are you gonna serve camel?
- Yeah! I mean, you know,

might have to serve frozen camel,
depending on how often it's ordered.

- Where are you gonna get your camel?
- I don't know.

Some jungle somewhere.

[distant thunder rumbles]

That's miles away.

I think that's gonna pass us right by.

Okay, con... you actually believe

everything is just gonna
work itself out.

- It's called faith.
- It's called blind optimism.

Or idiocy, I'll let you choose.

If those are the only choices,
obviously, blind optimism.

[thunder rumbles, closer]

Yep. That's gonna pass us right by.

I could've been a weather man.

- [thunder crashes]
- Nate?!

Nate!

Nate!

Nate!

Nate, where are you?!

- Don't leave me!
- [gasping]

I'll never leave you! Ever!

[coughing]

[weakly] I don't think
I can hold on much longer.

- What?
- I might have to let go.

What? No.

I've lost the will to fight.

Nate, come on, you're delirious.

Just hang on to me. Hang on, the...

The life vest can hold us both up.
Come on.

- I don't think you're hearing me.
- I'm hearing you.

I've lost the will to live...

[voice breaking] if I've got
nothing to fight for.

You and the kids mean everything to me.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Hey, hey, hey.

I was just mad. I was mad.

I'm not gonna take the kids
away from you.

When did you start hating me so much?

I don't hate you. I...

I just don't know how to fix it.

I usually just run away.
That's what I do.

That's what I've done with everyone.

The... The way to make a problem smaller

- is just get distance from it.
- Then change the pattern, okay?

Please, s-stay.
Please stay, and we'll fix it.

Why do you even want me?!
Come on, I'm...

I'm a bad egg. I'm lazy,
I'm a little bit crazy.

- You're not crazy.
- Shut up, shut up!

God! I'm doing your list.

Con... I'm unnecessarily...

- combative.
- Yeah.

Con... I'd rather watch "The Wire"

- than give you a blow job.
- "The Wire," I understand.

But "House Hunters"? Come on!

And also, con... I will never,
ever, ever, ever marry you. Sorry.

- Why not?
- Because I don't believe in marriage.

I thought I made that pretty clear.

I thought you were just playing it cool.

No. God, no, I think that whole, like,

getting married in front of God
bullshit is really... it's psychotic.

What's psychotic about a commitment?

Okay, it's just a promise.

I know, but I don't need a wedding

or a marriage to make a promise.

[sighs]

It's so funny we're talking
about this now.

- Why?
- [scoffs]

'Cause the whole reason I
brought you down here was to...

give you this stupid thing.

Oh, my God! Dude, holy sh*t!

- That's... That's huge.
- Yeah.

That's a beautiful, beautiful
cushion cut you got there.

That's great clarity.
Really amazing clarity.

No inclusions, I mean, I
obviously don't have a loop,

so I can't really see it, but...

Yeah, great fire. Even in starlight.

What did you do, drop like, OK on this?

What? Yeah.

That's exactly how much I spent.
How'd you know that?

Were you a former diamond smuggler?

[cackles]

No. [chuckles] Stupid really.

Yeah, that represents
my entire life savings.

Sweetheart, you didn't
have to do this, Nate.

- You didn't.
- I know.

I mean, I'm gonna...
I should hang onto it, as...

- Yeah.
- as a promise.

I'm not saying "yes."

[sighs]

But I'm definitely not saying "no."

I'm just... I'm just saying...

- Oh, Jesus! Hey! Careful!
- sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

- [whines]
- My God!

Just put it on your finger
so you don't lose it.

- It's so much money.
- Okay, sorry.

- Listen to me.
- Yeah.

If you stay,

I promise to respectet every single
annoying fault that you have.

Well, within reason.

I promise to be the most attentive,
loving father to our beautiful babies.

You already are.

- Okay, I will stop drinking.
- No! Moderation, you know.

Okay. I'll stop watching hockey.

Just the minor leagues
and the classics on VHS.

I'll shave the douche doughnut.

You know what would be sexy?
A beard. Yeah.

I'll promise to stop wasting
time inventing stupid sh*t

that no one will ever buy.

The NateVan was actually
not that bad of an idea.

No, you were right. You're never
gonna stop the r*pes. I know.

Okay. And listen to me.

If you stay, I promise
to never, ever, ever, ever

take your hand in holy matrimony.

[chuckles] I do. I mean, I don't.

[retches, coughing]

Okay.

- Okay? You good?
- Yeah, yeah.

- What?! Oh!
- Holy!

- Oh, ho, ho!
- Holy sh*t!

- Ha ha!
- Ha ha!

- Whoo!
- Oh, my God!

Oh! Oh!

[grunts]

I told you it was gonna come back to us!

- I told ya!
- No, you didn't, but who cares?

- Oh, whoa.
- What?

Your foot felt
really smooth right there.

That wasn't my foot.

Get up. Get up, get up, get up!

He actually followed through on
his promise to never marry me.

- It's probably for the best.
- [sighs]

I mean, not marrying me is one thing,

but to make me stand up here
like an assh*le is...

a whole other thing.
This is so embarrassing.

You're embarrassing me
in front of all of my voters.

- What did I do to deserve this?
- A lot.

- Should we make a list?
- No! We made a promise.

He said we would be together forever.

- ♪ I've got big balls ♪
- Who's phone is that?

- ♪ I've got big balls ♪
- Guys. It's a wedding.

Turn off your phone.

Have some respect for
the loser bride and turn it off!

That's coming from his jacket.

♪ But we've got the biggest ♪

I didn't set that ringtone for anyone.

♪ Balls of them all... ♪

Where are you? Look, shut up, listen.

I know we said
that we would never do this,

but we've got guests
and we've got a cake

and I swear to God, the next
thing out of your mouth

needs to be an ETA, and it
really needs to be five minutes.

Look around.

[quietly] Why, are you hiding?

I can't talk. Look around.

♪

Oh, sh*t.

♪

What do I do?

Run.