02x01 - What the Truck?

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪


Hello, my fellow Americans.

- Hey.
- Fawz, you're back from Iraq.

I thought you were supposed
to be back a week ago.

Well, that was the plan,
but as you might have heard,

they've made it a little bit harder

for people like me to
get back into the country.

You're the one who voted for him.

I'm not complaining.

I just spent a glorious
weekend in the Baghdad airport

living off of Cinnabons and
duty-free peppermint schnapps.

Well, I'm glad you're back. (GROANS)

Did you, uh, bring me a souvenir?

Snow globe? T-shirt?

Some of those delicious
Kurds I keep hearing about?

First of all, Kurds are people.

And, no, I got you something better.

- Try it on.
- Oh.

Thanks, buddy.

What are those?

- Oh, I'm taking the SATs next weekend.
- RANDY: Yup.

Franco's been working really
hard at applying to college.

And not getting me that donut
I ordered five minutes ago.

Oh, my bad, Randy.

You know, I might be
too old for college,

but the good news is
that I hit that sweet spot

where I get to hit on
faculty and students.

Oh, yes, a young black man
who works at a donut shop

and spends thousands of
dollars on an art degree.

Sounds like a sad documentary.

You know, I'm starting to
warm up to that travel ban.

Guess who's got two arthritic thumbs

and just bought a boat? This guy.

Ow.

RANDY: Wow.

All these years of talking about a boat,

- and you finally got one.
- Yeah.

- Never thought I'd see the day.
- Well,

place has been doing very well
ever since I hired Franco here.

Yeah, so instead of
putting those profits

- into getting me a raise...
- I bought a boat!

Hey, come on. You're the
one that's always telling me

to get out and enjoy my golden years.

You're right, yeah. I think it's dope.

Oh, I bought it at a police auction,

and it was filled with dope.

Oh, man, I would have bought
that dope and left the boat.

Okay, here I come.

I love it.

I think I'll go stand outside,

see what the breeze has in store for me.

Ugh.

That poor breeze.

So, is that what men wear in Iraq?

Actually, I forgot to get him something,

so I picked that up
at the airport Chico's.

My wife got one for herself.

Tush wears it better.

♪ ♪

Damn! These SAT
questions weren't designed

for dudes who grew up in the hood.

Yeah, look at this math problem

about the fastest
schooner in the regatta.

What's a schooner?

What the hell's a regatta?

It's a yacht race.

Then call it a damn yacht race!

Man, Chicago public schools...

they ain't prep us for this, man.

Our science books were so old,

we had a table of elements.

That's what I'm talking about, man.

You know Chance The Rapper
donated one million dollars

to the Chicago school system?

You know things are messed up

when the rappers have
to save the schools.

Yeah.

You know, Franco, they
do have SAT prep courses.

Yeah, but those things
are crazy expensive, Randy,

and it ain't like I got boat money.

Well, I could text you the name of one

that's pretty reasonable.

My daughter took it.

And she got into Northwestern.

And now she's gonna be a pediatrician

helping premature babies.

I think she was inspired
by watching me with her dad.

Thanks, Randy, I'll check it out.

You know, Franco, if that doesn't work,

you can always sleep with the dean.

That's how I got into
the welding academy.

Let's just say I got a full ride

and so did she.

You know, it's gonna cost me $ ,

to dock my boat in Burnham Harbor.

Maybe your Mr. The Rapper can
give me the money for that.

Hey, kid, we got a customer.

See if you can sell her
$ , worth of donuts.

Hi.

Um, uh, good morning.
Uh, what can I get you?

Uh, what are you known for?

Well, people do say I have an
exquisite set of cheekbones.

Mm.

I bet they do.

But I-I was talking about the donuts.

Oh, right, right, 'cause
we're in a donut shop, right.

(LAUGHS) Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well,
I know just the one.

♪ Our maple cream for the lady. ♪

You know, he's busy. I'll get it.

Ooh, this place has such a great vibe.

It's like IHOP meets Studio .

Then they end up sleeping together

and having a little
Superior Donuts baby.

- Yeah, we get that all the time.
- Really?

Course not. That's crazy as hell. Here.

So, how long have you been in business?

Arthur's owned this shop since .

That would be .

You're a neighborhood institution.

What's your secret?

Well, for starters, I make the
best damn donuts in Chicago.

Damn right.

Plus we have the perfect location.

We get the commuters from the “L,”

and we get the Cubs fans from Wrigley,

and the stoners from
the weed dispensary.

Don't forget the quitters
from Weight Watchers.

That's genius.

Okay, well, thanks for the donut.

Um, I'm Sofia, by the way.

- I'm Franco.
- Okay.

Oh, I just moved into the neighborhood,

so, I-I'm sure I'll see you around.

Okay.

You got the door?

She already had it.

- Looks like someone made a new friend.
- Yeah.

Hey, I pay you to work, not to flirt.

I can multitask.

You saw her, she was nice.

And it's hard to resist all this.

Yeah.

All pounds of you.

What the hell is that?

Well, I'm no expert,
but it appears to be

a food truck.

“Home of the organic breakfast bowl.”

Ah! Food truck!

He's parking right in front of our shop.

He can't do that.

I agree, Arthur.

It's presumptuous,

egregious, audacious.

Just say it's wack, man.

Hey, hey. There's no way
you can park here, pal.

Yeah.

It was a tight squeeze,
but I made it, buddy.

No, no, no, no.

I-I-I-I think what he means
is you shouldn't park here.

You know, like, right
in front of the shop.

But you just said this
was the perfect location.

It's called small talk, not
use-against-me-later talk.

Hey, look, you're
selling breakfast food.

That's my business.

No, actually, I think we
have very different clientele.

I cater to people who want
socially conscious food choices,

and you cater to people
with emotional issues

- and a high risk of stroke.
- Ooh.

This is Uptown.

Nobody's really interested in
your fancy edahamama and icacai.

All right?

Is he having a stroke?

It's hard to tell sometimes.

Hey, hey, listen, are you
gonna move this truck or not?

Look, I've poured my entire
life savings into this truck

and I really need to make it work.

Yeah, well, I've been paying a mortgage

and taxes here for years.

You just can't park here for
free and steal all my customers.

Oh, my God, you're right. I...

Now I can.

- Wait a minute.
- No.

That-that-that was a dime.

I saw that. That was a dime.

♪ ♪

ARTHUR: Unbelievable.

Her line is down the block.

Hey, she just stole two of my stoners.

That's Sheila and Ziggy.

I once saw them smoking the same joint,

Lady and The Tramp style.

Who is she taking next, huh?

My cops, my bikers, my
construction workers?

Are you sure you're not
thinking of the Village People?

Relax.

Food trucks are just a fad.

No, food trucks means
Uptown has arrived, baby.

Soon, this will be a paradise

of yoga studios and beard barbers.

The streets will be paved with
gold, not syringes and poop.

Where the hell is Franco?

I need him to have one of those ideas

that I hate at first,
but ends up working out.

You told him he could
check out that SAT class

that Randy told him about.

I know, but he was supposed
to be here minutes ago.

Ugh. This is brutal.

Ever since James transferred,

I'm doing the job of
one and a half cops.

Randy, thank God you're here.

Look, I need you to get
rid of that food truck.

Now?

Oh, look, I just chased down
a fat, drunk guy with no pants.

I mean, really,

why do fat, drunk guys never have pants?

Do they eat them?

Randy, Randy, Randy, you
got to help me out here.

(STAMMERS) Look, just
write her a ticket.

Look, I'm not gonna deal
with some stupid food truck.

This is Chicago, m*rder
capital of the world.

Call me when there's a
head in her deep fryer.

- Please! She's hammering me out there.
- Ugh.

All right. Okay, okay.

I'll go see what I can do.

Thanks.

Ah! I better go with her.

She's not used to
working without a partner.

God forbid she gets in a
tussle with that food truck lady

and I'm not there to film it.

All right, Randy.

I got your back.

Sunglasses? Really?

Classic intimidation tactic.

They have rhinestones on the sides.

They're my mom's.

Oh, hello, Officer.

Care for a nice, warm,
kale burrito on the house?

Uh, Chicago PD doesn't take bribes.

(LAUGHING)

Look, you can't be here.

You can't be here.

- Why not?
- Because this street is,

uh, not permitted for
vehicles over five tons.

Oh, well, lucky for
me, I top out at . .

Okay.

Well, then I'm gonna need to see

your, uh, fire safety permit.

Busted, baby.

(SUNGLASSES SHATTER)

Okay, here you go.

It's my ventilation certificate
and my food storage license.

Hey, if you're dying to write a ticket,

I do see a violation of Code -

(QUIETLY): right there.

What the hell is a - ?

Something about your sign being too low.

- That woman really knows her stuff.
- (SNORTS)

I can't believe you're
writing me a ticket.

I'm drawing you a picture of a kitten.

Take it and look mad. Oh. Yeah.

(SNARLS)

- Hey.
- What up?

Where the hell you been?
You're minutes late.

Man, that SAT prep class was messed up.

Them kids have been prepping for months.

They got tutors and coaches and mentors.

Yeah, right.

Only mentor I had growing
up was my neighbor, Ricky,

who taught me how to roll a blunt.

Fr-Fr... I need you to focus.

- I need you to fo...
- And that's another thing, man.

Them kids all hopped up on dr*gs.

But the kind that
makes you study harder,

not the kind that makes music better.

- Franco.
- What?

I need you to get rid
of that food truck.

- What do you want me to do about it?
- Talk to her.

Use some of that charm you
think you have. Come on.

Throw out some of those
millennial words of yours,

you know, like, uh, “fo' shizzle.”

First of all, I've never
said that a day in my life.

- Okay.
- All right? But don't worry about it.

I got you.

Yeah.

Hey, yo, Sofia... hi.

Yo, I want to apologize for
my cranky old friend in there.

But we all got one, right?

No. My friends are all pretty much

within years of my own age.

Um...

Look, he's just worried you're
gonna drive him out of business.

You know? So, it'd be cool if
you can just take your truck

and park it somewhere else.

I have a permit. I have
every right to be here.

Fo' shizzle.

I'm-a be real with you.

He's been here his
whole life, all right?

All he knows is donuts. All right?

So he's just worried
you're gonna push him out.

Yeah, but does he have to
be so belligerent about it?

That's an SAT word. I know that one.

Oh, are you going to college?

Trying.

I just don't know how
I'm supposed to compete

with these kids and their fancy-ass

guidance counselors, you know?

At my school, we had a chalk
outline of a guidance counselor.

She was m*rder*d.

We had nobody to talk to about it.

What about your family?
Are they helping?

Are you serious?

You know, my dad once told me,

(LOW VOICE): “Hey, Franco, you know,

college is a waste of good
lottery ticket money.”

I know. My parents never
went to college, either.

They came from Colombia and
opened a diner in Wisconsin.

And if they had it their
way, I'd be scrubbing counters

till the day I die.

Oh, well, you sure showed them.

But I went anyway.

And now, I'm running my own business,

and I'm living my
dream, and you can, too.

You know, I'll help you out.

You just have to know
how to work the system.

- Man, you right!
- Yeah.

You are right, man.

Hey, that system's going down.

- Boom.
- (CHUCKLES) Yeah.

So-so how do I do that?

With the system?

Well, first, your SAT score's

only one part of the big picture.

Have you done any internships?

Oh, I, you know, I can't exactly afford

to work for free at the moment.

Or ever.

How about community service?

Does court-mandated count?

Letter of reference.

Do you know anyone important?

Oh, yeah. Okay, my unc-my uncle Donnie

once did PCP back in the day,

and now he thinks he's the mayor, so...

You know, a lot of successful
people never went to college.

Ah, look at him. He's
giving her the business. Ha.

He's a real team player, that kid, huh?

That's why I hired him.

I thought it was because you
couldn't open the sprinkle jar.

Remember, you kept calling it
a whore, and a son of a bitch?

How did it go?

Not great.

She made me realize the only
way I'm getting into college

is if I die, and they use
my body in science class.

No, I'm talking about the truck.

Is she gonna move the truck?

I don't know, man.

Why should she have to?

She's just some poor Colombian
woman trying to make a living.

Whose side are you on?

Don't you see she's gonna
put me out of business?

I-If she does, Arthur, I want
you to know I will be there.

To buy this place at
% of market value.

Ugh...

I actually thought you
were helping me out there.

You're off your game,
kid, and it's not just her.

It's all this college crap.

“Crap”?

What the hell is wrong with you?

This is my future we're talking about.

Well, I'm worried about my future, too.

Yeah, but you got a lot less of it.

Well, obviously, you don't have my back.

- You ain't got mine, either.
- I don't want yours.

Fine.

Fine!

- Just go!
- I'm trying!

(SPRAY PAINT HISSING)

Hey!

Arthur, what the hell are you doing?

In a hoodie? You look
like Eminem's grandfather.

You know what, I'm sending a message.

I wanted to write “Gentrifiers,
get out of Uptown”"

but I ran out of truck.

You got to plan it out before
you start tagging, dude.

Besides, your-your Rs are backwards.

Well, that was gonna be my thing.

This ain't gonna solve anything.

Oh, look who's changing his tune.

When Starbucks moved in, who
was the first one over there

- with a spray can?
- Okay.

Yeah, but that was some gigantic,

faceless corporation, man. All right?

And Sofia's got a face.

A good one.

Sitting on top of a
bunch of other good stuff.

Fine. You can give up.

But I'm not.

No, come on. Art... enough. Stop, man!

There's smarter ways to do this.

Give me that back.

(SIREN WAILING)

Okay.

Oh of Course.

White guy spends what,
uh, minutes in jail?

For your information,
it was a terrible ordeal.

Yeah, his blood sugar
got a little bit low,

so we gave him some
peanut butter crackers.

Plus, I got a $ ticket.

Oh, speaking of which, Sofia
put her truck in the shop

so she can get the
paint scraped off of it.

I told her you'd pay for that, too.

Oh, thanks, traitor.

Just put it on my tab,

with my boat, my harbor fee, and...

Relax, man.

Look, we'll figure it out.

No, I'll figure it out.

You've already got
one foot out the door.

You still mad about
the college thing, man?

Well, don't worry about
it, 'cause I'm not going.

What? Why not?

Look, the more I looked into it,

the more I realized
college ain't for me.

Besides, a lot of successful
people never went to college.

Like Jay-Z. And Basquiat. And Beyoncé.

See, I don't need college.

Just need a crazy-ass name.

- But Franco...
- It's cool.

Maybe I'll get around
to it, but right now,

I need to be here.

If I leave Arthur alone, this
week, he's tagging up trucks,

next week, he's
p*stol-whipping the mailman.

Is this what you want?

What, for him to start
working again? Sure.

Let me rephrase the question.

Is this what you want, idiot?

Well, you heard him.
He doesn't want to go.

That's crap, and you know it.

He's just freaking out.

He needs your support.

Yeah, what about me? I need support.

This isn't about you.

He wants to go to college.

- Eh...
- And by the way,

you're the one who got him
to apply in the first place.

Yeah, I know, I know.

It's just that I depend on him now.

And I, uh, I like having him around.

Aw. That's sweet.

Eh...

And so damn selfish.

Oh...

And pathetic for thinking

that the kid's dream might
be to stay here forever.

And also, Arthur, listen...

All right, all right, all right.

Here.

Your new work schedule.

(EXHALES)

Did you give me a two-hour
lunch break every day?

No, it's not for eating.

You're studying for the SATs.

Thanks.

But I told you, I'm
not going to college.

Oh, like hell you're not.

Come on, it's your dream.

I know you can't afford
those fancy classes,

so... I'm gonna help you study.

Word?

Lot of words.

Welcome to the Arthur
Przybyszewski Academy.

- Thanks, man.
- All right.

- Yeah, thanks.
- It's not a charity, you know?

When you're on the clock,
I expect % from you.

Oh, you're gonna get %.

I'll work my ass off,
so you can get out there

and enjoy that boat.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna
sell that thing. (CHUCKLES)

It's not very enjoyable
if you have to keep

thinking about how much it costs.

Uh, no. Hey... no, no, no.
D-Don't sell your boat, man.

That is your dream.

Besides, we're gonna need it.

There you go.

Thanks, man, but, yo,

shouldn't we put this in
a paper bag or something?

Nah. Prison made me hard.

Come on, relax. It's a beautiful day.

(ENGINE STARTS)

You right, man.

You know, I-I got to enjoy
the sun on my face, you know?

The smell of salty sea air.

(INHALES SHARPLY)

- Oh, wait, that's urine.
- Yeah.

(HORN HONKS)

Hey.

You can't park your boat there.

You are so right.

What was I thinking?

- (COIN CLATTERS)
- Now we can.

(WHOOPS) All right!

(LAUGHING): All right! Yeah.

♪ ♪

So this is another
authentic Iraqi souvenir?

Oh, yes. It's a Mesopotamian
fertility neck dress.

Very rare.

Because when you turn it this way,

it seems like one of those neck
pillows you buy at the airport

to help you sleep on the plane.

Oh, my God. It's almost as if

my ancestors could see into the future.

I got to go.

Oh, great. You're back.

Don't worry, I parked in
front of the yoga studio.

The owner doesn't spray-paint my
truck or yell “Die, yuppie scum"

at all my customers.

Eh, well, I'm really sorry about that,

but you're still not welcome here.

Oh, come on, please? I've been jonesing

for one of your maple creams.

They're honestly the best I've ever had.

You're not gonna win
me over with flattery.

You do realize I can still
press charges against you

for vandalizing my truck.

Maple cream for the lady.

See? He's a big old teddy bear.

(CHUCKLES) Just so you
know, as long as I'm here,

you can hang out any time you want.

Oh, I'm sorry. (LAUGHS)

I think I gave you the wrong impression.

I don't date artists.

What? I'm not even asking you out.

Good, because no.

I didn't even ask you.

AND BACK UP: why-why
don't you date artists?

'Cause I've done it before,
and it always ends up the same.

They want to paint me naked.

That's just preposterous,
egregious and audacious.

(MOUTHS)

So these artists, where
might I see their work?

(LAUGHS)

Thanks for the donut.

I'll be back for more.

All right. You can come
back any time you want.

A-And just so you know, I
don't date food truck ladies.

Cool. So we're on the same page.

I thought that would go different.