02x02 - Is There a Problem, Officer?

[bunniefuu]

Morning, Randy.

Cold enough for you, Randy?

Stop. I am not
in the mood for small talk.

It is cold enough for me.

I can believe those Bears.

And whatever your wife is mad
at you about, she's right.

Look, I just want a cup of coffee.

No cream, no sugar, no chitchat.

We're just trying to make
a little conversation.

Or I could go down the corner to Coffee,
Coffee, Coffee,

'cause you know what they have there?

I hope a bathroom, bathroom, bathroom.

No.

Coffee.

- Go.
- Okay. Um...

I'm just gonna, uh...

Just gonna set this right here,
and slowly back away.

And maybe take away some
of the stabby stuff.

- And some of the bonking on the head stuff.
- Mm-hmm.

And that coffee pretty hot,
too, so I'm-a take that.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Look, I'm-I'm really sorry I snapped.

I've just done a ten-hour
night shift alone.

And I'm a little stressed out.

You still don't have a new partner?

No. It's just me.

And the crackheads and the hookers

and the... the gangbangers.

And the crackheads.

You said crackheads twice.

There's a lot of crackheads.

I mean, this city is so broke,
they can't afford enough cops.

Well, in honor of your rough night...

Oh, Franco, thank you.

It was a really rough night.

I got you, boo.

Uh, nothing to see here. Move along.

I smell diesel and patchouli.

Your roach-coach for hippies

must be parked right out in front, hmm?

Oh, Arthur, one day,

you and I are gonna strap
some balloons to your house

and fly away together.

Here's a peace offering.

It's a breakfast bowl with
ancient oats and micro-grains.

Pass. I like my oats young.

And my grains as big as hell.

I think what he means is... Hi, uh...

I think what he means
is thank you, Sofia.

Oh, come on. She just comes here
because she wants something.

Actually, I am looking
for a flexible workspace

to manage my Insta and sync my Evernote.

See, I told you,
she just wants something.

What the hell does she want?

To use the Wi-Fi.

Well, I'm sorry,
but that's just for paying customers.

Oh, I don't carry cash.
Do you guys Venmo?

I don't speak Spanish.

It's cool. Go ahead and pick a spot,

and stay as long as you want.

Thank you, Franco.

Gracias por nada.

Venmo.

Hey, if no one's gonna eat that bowl,
I'll take it.

Oh, good call. You'll feel better,

have more energy, more stamina in bed.

More stamina in bed?

I'm already sleeping ten hours a night.

But if we can up that, I'm all over it.

Franco. It happened again.

What, you accidentally sent another

naked selfie to your grandmother?

That was one time.

Thank God she's blind.

Remember Big Mike?
Well, his cousin Lil Mike

just got roughed up by a cop.

- I think Mike got it on video.
- How bad is it?

- Man, I don't even know. I just got it.
- Man.

Cops in this city
are out of control, dude.

Uh, excuse me?

I ain't talking about you, Randy.

You're one of the good ones.

Why is it when I call you
"one of the good ones," you get mad?

I don't.
I just put stuff in your coffee.

Well, whatever you're doing,
it tastes great.

Let me see that video?

A'ight. Here we go.

Apparently,
Lil Mike was coming home from work

with Big Mike when they got pulled over.

Oh. And that cop threw Lil
Mike down hard as hell.

Yo, this is insane.

Hold up... let me see?

Randy, is this you?

What are you talking about?

Oh. Yeah, that's me.

I told you I had a rough night.

Oh, my God, that's just so wrong.

Who puts goat cheese on watermelon?

I mean, I'll eat it,
but I'm not gonna be happy about it.

♪ ♪

Damn, Randy. Seriously?

Look, I don't know
who this Little Mike is...

Um, it's Lil Mike.

But that video does not
tell the whole story.

Your friend ran a stop sign,
so I pulled him over.

Then he got in my face,
so I put him in cuffs.

And then, he still resisted,

so I had to take control.

But he was cuffed.

You were in control.

I mean, did you have to
throw him against the car?

Hey. She was just doing her job.

You ain't even see the video.

I don't have to.

If she said that Little Mike is...

Lil Mike!

Little Mike is his brother.

Yeah, okay.

He got in her face.
She did what she had to do.

- Ugh, man.
- Ugh, this dude.

"She did what she had to do."

What just happened? What was that?

Look, every time a cop messes up,

y'all rush in and make excuses.

I'm not making excuses.

Randy's a good cop.

She does charity work
and community outreach,

and what was that award
you won last year?

(quietly): Foxy Fuzz Over .

What?

Foxy Fuzz Over .

Do you have any idea what it's like

to be a Chicago cop right now?

The streets have never
been this violent.

The people have never been this hostile.

Maybe people are hostile
'cause of stuff like this.

Bup, everybody calm down.

Back at the factory,

I used to settle a lot of
disputes with a trick I learned.

Tell the person you're mad at
your favorite memory of them.

Randy, why don't you go first?

Fine. I remember when you didn't
used to make stupid accusations

about stuff you know nothing about.

And when that didn't work,
we'd try to say something positive.

Randy, I'm impressed
that you have the strength

to throw a grown man against a car.

And when that didn't work,

I would turn it over to HR,
go to my truck and drink a beer.

Good luck.

Look, I know
you think I was overreacting.

But the truth is,
even a simple traffic stop

can escalate from zero
to in a heartbeat.

You right.

You right.
I, uh, you know, it must be so tough.

With all your g*ns.

- And your night sticks.
- And your Mace.

And your hats.

I got hat-whipped on Oak Street once.

It hurt.

You know something? Sweatpants warned me

I shouldn't be friends with a cop.

(nervously): What?

(laughs)

N-No, I didn't.

But you know what I told him?

I told him you were different.

And you know something?
Now, I'm starting to wonder.

(scoffs)

Wow.

You have no idea what
you're talking about.

I'm done.

Hey, kid. You're way out of line, here.

You don't get it, man.

Yo, cops do this stuff to me
and my homies all the time.

We're not just talking
about any ol' cop.

It's Randy, our friend.

She's had your back over and over again.

So now you're doubting her

because of one isolated,
little incident?

Lil incident.

Oh.

You right. Continue.

Okay, so,
how do you know it was isolated?

Because I've known Randy
since she was a kid.

And you take it from me:
she's a good person.

You didn't even see the video, dude.

You don't know what she's
like out there in the streets.

Neither do you.

You're right. I don't know.

Can I borrow your car tonight?

Why?

Maybe if I see her in action,
I can find out

what kind of cop she really is.

What are you gonna do, follow her?

What do you think you're
gonna see in one night?

I don't know, man.

If I'm gonna be friends with her,

I got to find out, man,
if she's a good cop.

Can't you just forget
about that stupid video?

No, I can't.
It's b*rned into my brain, dude.

Like-like, the time I caught
Tush in the locker room at the Y.

All right,
if it'll make peace in my shop,

you can have my car.

Thank you.

Can you drive?

Why?

Black guy driving a car he doesn't own,
trailing a cop...

All right, I got it.

I got to warn you.

I'm night-blind.

And the brakes have a mind of their own.

I still think I'm safer with you.

Hey, man, I didn't realize
this would be so scary.

Well, being a cop is a dangerous game.

I'm talking about the way you drive.

Last time I said "Jesus" that much,

I was being dunked into a river.

Can we stop?
It's already been three hours.

Why don't you just admit she's a good...

Wait, hold on, wait, wait, wait.

- She's pulling over.
- Oh.

Yo, she's getting out.

Where's she going?

You brought binoculars.

Yeah, I put together this little,
uh, stakeout kit.

Binoculars, pee jar.

Backup binoculars, backup pee jar.

I always wanted to do
police surveillance.

Wait around all day, eat donuts

and wait for something
interesting to happen.

Mm-hmm. Completely different
from what we do.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

She's going into Excellent Donuts.

That's my biggest competitor.

You traitor.

You're closed at night.
What do you want her to do?

Wait till I'm open.

Oh, no.

Those people are being robbed in there.

- For real?
- A buck for a cruller?

- (screams)
- God, you scared me.

Where's my pee jar?

What are you guys doing?

Are you following me?

No, but he is. I'm just driving.

Unbelievable.

You see ten seconds of a video,

and you erase an entire friendship?

You don't know anything.

We know whose donuts you like.

You are not open at night.

(glass shatters in distance)

Oh, great.

That guy's breaking into a car.

You, go to bed.

You, go to hell.

Are we done?

'Cause I really got to pee.

Why don't you go in Excellent Donuts?

I'd rather die.

(g*nsh*t)

What was that?

It's a g*nsh*t.

Yo, it's Randy.
She's holding her shoulder.

She's been sh*t.

- Randy!
- RANDY: Franco, stay in the car!

This is DeLuca.

(groans) I need backup. Officer down.

Hey, guys. How's Randy?

Good. The b*llet went
clean through her shoulder,

so she's already out of the hospital.

Yeah, we're on our way to see her now.

They're throwing her a party
at the cop bar down the street.

Bup! News alert.

They caught the guy that sh*t Randy.

Please don't be black.

Please don't be Latino.

Please don't be Muslim.

Actually, it doesn't say.

All: White.

(laughs)

Oh, before we go,
I got a card we can all sign.

The beauty of living in Chicago
is the get-well-soon cards

have gotten very specific.

"Sorry you got sh*t...

in the shoulder."

All right, come on, let's get going.

All right, I'll see y'all there.

Oh, you're going, too, Franco?

Of course he's going.

His friend got sh*t.

And whatever nonsense was
going on between them,

that's history, yeah?

Oh, almost forgot the cake.

You're bringing food?

I could give you some of
my kale-wheatberry wraps.

Hasn't she been through enough?

So, you and Randy cool now?

Yeah, I guess.

I don't know.

It's complicated.

Is it? 'Cause it seems like

you're still mad about that video,

but you can't say anything
because she got sh*t.

Damn. Do you know everything
going on in my head right now?

Yes.

You know, I-I guess I'm glad she's okay,

but every time I hear
someone call her a hero...

that don't feel right.

So, skip the party.

Can't do that.

I mean, you heard Arthur.

If I don't go, I'm the bad guy.

You know,
when I was growing up in Wisconsin,

there was this girl in my high school,
Chelsea,

who used to call me a w*tback.

- Damn.
- Yeah.

But then Chelsea crashed her car,
lost a leg,

and all of a sudden,
everyone felt sorry for Chelsea.

There were fund-raisers and parties

and suddenly the whole truth
about Chelsea just disappeared,

like all her left shoes.

Yeah, but this is different.

Randy is not some one-legged r*cist.

We actually used to be cool.

Well, if that's true,
then you should be able

to speak your mind to
her about how you feel.

(sighs)

You're right. I should.

But instead,

I'm going to that party,

having one drink, then I'm leaving.

I'm gonna put on a big-ass
fake smile, like this.

- So, you're taking the high road?
- Yeah.

There's no way I'm
getting through this night

without smoking something.

Randy, what's it like getting sh*t?

Must've hurt like hell, huh?

Well, it's kind of like
getting stung by a bee

if the bee was coming at
you at miles an hour

and riding a b*llet.

Oh.

What's up, y'all?

What's with the face?
Underwear riding up?

Need a quick tug?

No. No, no, no.

I'm good, you know.

I'm just happy to be
here supporting a friend.

Gee, I-I wasn't sure
you were gonna come.

Of course I came.

You know, I probably shouldn't
have come to a cop bar

with my jacket that smells like weed,
but who am I kidding?

All my jackets smell like weed.

Well, it really means a
lot to me that you're here.

Ah, it's all good.

Just sucks I can only stay
for one drink, though.

Let me get you one.

- Can I buy you something, Randy?
- Oh, no.

Here at Murphy's if you get
sh*t in the line of duty,

you drink for free.

If you get stabbed, free potato skins.

Not sure why.

Hey, everybody.

Let's raise a glass to DeLuca.

We love you, Randy.

You're a great cop and a true hero.

- (people cheering)
- RANDY: You guys.

Thank you so much.

You really are Chicago's finest.

And I'm not a hero.

I just was doing my job
like any hero would.

(laughter)

(strained laugh)

All right, I got to go.

Where are you going?
Wait-wait a minute, you just got here.

I know, but, you know,
I just got to get home.

I just want to tell you,
I-I'm proud of you.

Takes a big man to admit he's wrong.

Yeah, but I'm not wrong.

What are you talking about?

You know, just 'cause she got sh*t,

it doesn't erase what
she did to Lil Mike.

Hey, hey, she risks her life
every day out there.

And in my book, that's a hero.

Would you stop saying that?

You know, you didn't even see the video,

so until you do,
you don't get an opinion.

Franco, I thought we were past this.

Randy, if I'm gonna be your friend,

I'm gonna be real with you.

I still think what
you did was messed up,

and I don't want you to
become like all these other

corrupt cops in Chicago
who cross the line so much

they don't know where it is anymore.

I just totally forgot
where I was right now.

Is this the only exit?

Okay, I'm just gonna scooch on by.

Franco.

What?

I'll watch the video.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Go ahead, show it to me.

How do you make it play?

Come on, man.

(thudding, man grunts,
indistinct talking on video)

Hey, Arthur.

I rushed right over when I got your text

saying both hands were
stuck in the mixer.

Yeah, that was a lie.

I kind of figured that because,
uh, well, you know,

you sent me a text.

Yeah.

I just needed to talk to you.

Well, I-I don't really want
to see Franco right now.

No, it's his day off.

H-Have a seat.

All right.

Franco showed me the video.

You're turning on me, too?

Everything I did that
night was justified.

Maybe it was. I mean, I don't know.

I wasn't there,

but what I do know is
that look on your face.

That's not a Randy
I've ever seen before.

Come on, what's going on? Hmm?

You're better than that
cop I saw in that video.

(sighs)

I don't know.

Chicago's just so different now.

There's pressure coming from every side.

You know,
I used to start every day thinking

how I could make a difference.

Now I'm just thinking
about how I can make it

to the end of my shift.

Well, maybe it's time
for you to take a break.

Yeah, I agree.
And I'm-I'm gonna get two weeks off

'cause of my shoulder.

No, I mean real time, you know.

So you can really get
your head together.

Arthur, we are so short
staffed right now, I can't.

I cannot bail.

And that's not what cops do.

Well, I happen to know
a great cop who did,

your dad.

When?

Well, you remember
that summer that he took you

to every Cubs home game?

How do you think he arranged that?

He always told me that
he got free tickets

'cause he dragged Harry Caray
out of a burning building.

I'm not talking about
how he got the tickets.

I'm talking about how he made the time.

Anyway, it's something to think about.

I thought you said he had a day off.

Yeah, well, I lied.

You said she wouldn't be here.

I lied about that, too. Listen, uh...

I-I-I'm gonna make some donuts and, uh,

you take care of things out here, okay?

Hey, hey, um, you got a minute?

Yeah.

Some friends of mine
are worried about me,

and, uh, they might be right.

So what would you say if I told you

I was thinking about
taking some time off?

Get my head straight.

I'd say that sounds like
something a good cop would do.

But, you know,
I'm gonna need you to help me...

keepin' it real.

Straight up.

Okay, I'm gonna need you
never to say that ever again.

You know,
I think during this little break,

you're gonna realize that you and I

have more in common than you think.

Really? Like what?

We're both trying to get
through a day in Chicago

without getting our asses sh*t.

(laughs)

Franco, I thought you said we were cool.

Oh, right.

Yeah, I-I got you, boo. It's all good.

That's right.

Hey, you know what? Give me that can.

I'm on vacation.

Hey, guys.

- FAWZ: Excellent Donuts?
- Yeah.

Oh, my God, he's finally lost it.

We're gonna do a taste test.

Oh, but, Arthur, I told you I was sorry.

No, no, no, that's okay.

I just want to prove once and for all

who makes the best
damn donuts in Chicago.

And I want you to be completely honest.

That shirt you're wearing is ugly.

- I mean about the donuts.
- Oh.

These are tasteless.

Just like that shirt.

Man, these aren't worth a buck .

Thank you, guys.

That's why you got to go on Tuesdays.

They're two for cents

with a purchase of a small coffee.

You son of a bitch.

I was doing opposition research.

I was spying on them for you.

You're not open at night!