02x08 - Electile Dysfunction

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Arthur, can I put one of my
campaign posters in your window?

The election for the
Uptown Business Council

is in three days.

Let's see it.

TUSH: "Vote Fawz for president

or else."

Or else what?

Or else you'll be torn apart by tigers.

But that wouldn't fit on the poster.

Eh, it doesn't matter.

I'm running unopposed.

Which is actually my other poster.

So, you got big plans
for your second term?

Well, the first thing
I plan to do is renew

my handicap parking sticker.

Because, you know,
I have that condition,

where I don't like to look for parking.

Plus, I want to do something
about that playground

on Sheridan Ave.

Oh, that's dope.
It's getting a little run-down.

What, you gonna put up a
new swing set or something?

Well, something will be swinging,

namely, a wrecking ball.

What?

Yeah, we're gonna pave
over the playground...

♪ And put up a parking lot. ♪

Hey! Yo, you-you can't do that.

I've been going to that park
since I was a little kid, man.

I have a lot of good memories there.

At least-least, I think I do.

I-I smoked a lot of weed there, too.

Well, I represent the business owners,

and they need a parking lot
to attract more shoppers.

Everybody loves that park.

What's next? You gonna tear down
a library and put up a Target?

(chuckles) Okay,

let's not get carried away. (chuckles)

Tear down library, call Target.

You already got rid of the
two-dollar movie theater

and the video arcade.

I'm running out of places to have sex

when my roommate's home.

I'm glad they're getting
rid of that park.

Okay, what do you have against it?

A mean girl made fun of me there

and stole my Happy Days lunch box.

I haven't gone back since.

I want to think that was
during his childhood,

but chances are, it happened last week.

Tush, did you say
a Happy Days lunch box?

Yeah. And three ham salad sandwiches.

- And a thermos filled with...
- Tang?

Oh, my God.

It was you!

(laughs)

This is hilarious!

Hilarious?
I was so traumatized, I peed my pants

and had to be homeschooled
for the rest of third grade.

years later,
the taunting still rings in my ears.

♪ A girl stole your lunch box. ♪

♪ And he smells like sweat socks. ♪

Oh, fun, a second verse.

Very funny.

Aw, Tush.

It was very funny.

Okay, maybe Tush hates the park,
but you know something?

It's important to a lot of us.

That was the one place I could go
when things got tough at my house.

Plus, it was one of the few
places that a family can have

a picnic, you know,
and breathe fresh air.

Unless someone was, uh,
smoking a reefer on the roundabout.

Smoking what on the what?

What he's trying to say is
"weed on the merry-go-round."

But the way Calvin Coolidge
would have said it.

Hey, yo, if you care that much,
why don't you run against Fawz?

You know what?

I don't care that much.

Franco is so naive to think that
you would want to run for this.

Yeah, I know.

I mean, the thought that
anyone would vote for you

over me is crazy.

It's not that crazy.
You know, I've been a businessman

in this neighborhood for years.

Yes, but the neighborhood has changed

and you no longer fit in.

No offense, but you're a relic,
a dinosaur.

You're basically useless
to this generation.

Why do you even bother to say
"no offense"?

It gives me permission to say
whatever hateful thing I'm thinking.

It's the first phrase
I learned in English.

ARTHUR: Yeah.

Yeah, well, no offense, you're an idiot.

That was the second phrase I learned.

Look,

I still got a lot to contribute.

I would make a great president.

You would make a great grandfather.

Franco!

I changed my mind. I'm gonna run for
president of the business council.

Hell yeah, man! That sounds good!

- Yeah.
- FAWZ: Yes, it does.

Everyone your age should
have a little project.

You know, like a jigsaw puzzle
or running a useless campaign.

I plan to win.

Yeah.

We're about to save Grayden Park.

Yeah. They might even
rename the park after me.

Ah! Yes, I can see it now.

Jurassic Park!

♪ ♪

Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you the next president

of the Uptown Business Council,

Arthur Przybyszewski!

Arthur,
have you thought about a nickname?

Because your last name
looks like an eye chart.

"A hole new approach." I love it.

You know what, I'm gonna get my buddies
from the neighborhood to put these up.

I'll start with, uh,
Cathy at the bead store.

Arthur, that place shut down months ago.

Oh. All right, I'll just walk
one over to Morty the Cobbler.

He d*ed.

Well, then who's the new cobbler?

There are no new cobblers!

Arthur, where have you been?

Right here! I live above the shop.

Last winter, I never even put on a coat.

Well, look, while you were
hiding out in your bunker,

the neighborhood changed.

My old business buddies,
they were my base.

Hey, it's cool.
All we got to do is get you out there

to meet some new people, man.
Hey, you got this.

Okay, okay.

Hello, all!
I just met with the architect

for the new parking garage.

I'm gonna get to ride the crane!

Beep, beep!

Don't get too ahead of yourself, Fawz,

'cause Arthur's campaign
is just getting started.

We got a whole plan we're working on.

- "We"?
- ARTHUR: Yeah,

Franco and me. We're teaming up.

Yeah. I'm gonna be

- his new campaign manager.
- You are?

Yeah. Sofia and I are
gonna help him get elected.

We are?

Mm-hmm. Look, you and I give
him a tour of the neighborhood

and introduce him to the new
generation of business owners.

You want me to help Arthur,

the man who calls my food
truck the Fart Wagon?

Hey, hey,

hey, hey. You ain't doing it for him.

You're doing it to save Grayden Park.

Yeah, I do great weekend business there.

Turns out a lot of people
like to eat their feelings

on Saturdays. Okay.

- I'm in.
- All right.

A millennial campaign manager.

Interesting strategy, Arthur.

But I'm still gonna crush you.

Well, you don't know
who you're dealing with.

I know exactly who I'm dealing with.

"A hole"!

"New approach"!

Oh, I see it now!

How's he doing in there?

Is he getting any votes?

Well, he was hitting it off
with the little lesbian,

but now the big
lesbian's yelling at him.

Oh, there's a third lesbian!

Well, this campaign's
gonna be a disaster.

Oh, come on.

You're always so positive.

It's one of the things I like about you.

You like "things"? That's plural.

What else?

Well...

Nope, that's it.
There's only one thing I like about you.

That's too bad.

'Cause I got these tickets
to Chance the Rapper, so...

Oh, hey!

I just found a second
thing I like about you.

Oh, yeah?

All right, so I guess we goin'.

We should probably grab dinner first.

Or go to the concert hungry.

That's cool, too.

Well, those dudes were cranky.

Hey, look, as your campaign manager,

maybe I should do more
or all the talking.

Hey, man, how's business?

Great.

We were voted number one
beard washery in Chicago.

Oh, speaking of voting,

this is Arthur,
owner of Superior Donuts.

Yeah, he's running for Uptown
Business Council president.

MAN: I know you.

You wouldn't serve me
'cause I had my ferret.

Oh, that was you, huh?

You know, putting something on a leash

- doesn't make it any less disgusting.
- FRANCO: Okay!

All right, uh, so, uh,

Arthur here is fighting for
what makes this neighborhood

so special, unlike his opponent,
who's trying to turn

Grayden Park into a parking lot.

Well, I'm all for that.
We could use more parking around here.

No, dude, the kids in this
neighborhood need that park.

I don't have kids.

Oh. Uh, do you,
by any chance, smoke weed?

Look, my customers need a place to park.

I'm voting for the other guy.

- (exhales)
- And, by the way,

I suffer from anxiety.

My ferret is a service animal.

Oh, Tush.

I got you something on eBay.

A Happy Days lunch box?

I wanted to give you back
what I took from you.

That's weird.
I don't see my childhood in here.

You didn't just steal my lunch box

and ounces of ice-cold Tang.

You stole my faith in humanity.

(groans) You're being a little dramatic.

No, you know what's dramatic?
Charlie's Angels.

That's the lunch box I had
to use when you stole mine.

That is a great lunch box.

Which one were you? Her,

her, or her?

I'm not comfortable
taking a gift from someone

who thinks my feelings are a joke.

Just take it.

There it is! Still a bully!

Hey, hey, hey.

Why does this mean so much to you?

- It happened years ago.
- It shouldn't matter

when it happened. It upset me.

And if you were my friend,
you wouldn't make a bunch of jokes,

and try to buy me off
with a $ lunch box.

$ ? Try $ .

And I had to e-mail some
weirdo a picture of my feet.

We're done here.

Fine!

♪ A girl stole your paper. ♪

Hello, Arthur!

I hear your campaign is like
one of my wife's old bras...

No support!

Yeah, save it for the debate.

- Wait, what?
- There's a debate?

Yeah. If there's
more than one candidate,

there has to be a debate.

You guys haven't read the UBC laws?

It's only the best part of the
Chamber of Commerce handbook!

(laughs)

Kind of a nerd.

If "nerd" means doing everything you can

to help your business succeed,

then nerd be I.

You know what,
a debate sounds good for you, man.

People can hear that your
heart's in the right place

and that Fawz doesn't have one.

(sarcastically): Oh, no, I'm a dead man.

Unless, of course,
I can come up with some fun posters.

Hello, what's this?

_

Fawz, I thought we were friends.

- We are. This is politics.
- No.

This is hitting below the belt.

Your pants come up to your neck.
Everything's below the belt.

Oh, get out of here.

Damn it! I got to b*at that guy.

- That's what I'm talking about, man.
- Yeah.

Look, all you got to do
is get out there,

get some votes,
and we're gonna save that playground.

- Oh, uh... about the playground.
- What?

Well, you heard those business people.

They're the ones who vote.

They want a parking lot.

Wait, are you...
are you switching sides?

If that's what it takes to win, yeah.

I got to prove to Fawz
and to everyone else

that I'm not irrelevant
in this neighborhood,

that I really matter here.

So it's all about you now?

Look, I just poured my heart out to you.

I found it very moving.

I'm kind of in a raw place, myself.

Arthur, look, there are more
important things than winning.

It's better to be a principled loser

than to be a sellout.

I'm sorry, but I came this far,

and I got to win no matter what.

Okay, fine.

Well, then, you know what?

Good luck finding yourself
a new campaign manager,

'cause I quit.

Not the job. I need the job.

Who wants some coffee?

You? Come on.

Arthur. I'm surprised Fawz
let you have the debate

- here in your own shop.
- Yeah, well, I talked him into it.

This way the voters can see what
a successful businessman I am.

Why did you agree to have the debate

here on Arthur's turf?

It was my idea.
This way everyone can see

what a pathetic businessman he is.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you doing?

- You got frosting on both sides?
- Yeah.

I call them Flip-Flops.

You can, uh... you can switch sides

anytime you want to
abandon your principles.

Hey, look,

the kids can play in a parking garage.

They go to the top.
They slip on some roller skates.

Boom. That's fun.

Yeah.

So, that's it for the playground.

Oh, no.

I ain't done fighting yet.
You want to know why?

'Cause the man you
secretly love has a plan.

Really? Drake has a plan?

No.

I'm gonna make sure Arthur
does the right thing.

Hey, Tush.

Sorry, this seat's taken.

(sighs) Okay.

This has gone on long enough. Come on.

- I want to show you something.
- Hard pass.

I'm done being bullied by you.

Damn it, Tush, get in the car right now!

Coming.

(clears throat) Welcome, everybody.

I've been chosen to moderate

tonight's UBC event.

Uh, what is UBC?

Uptown Business Council.

The thing you're running for.

Oh! Oh.

Opening statements.

Gracias.

(clears throat)

I would like to acknowledge
my esteemed opponent

as one of the nicest men on Earth.

And one of the first.

(laughs)

Listen, I've been a business owner

in Uptown for decades.

And, like some of you,
I nearly lost my shirt in the recession.

And, like most of you,
I did lose my shirt

in his dry cleaners.

That's right, Fawz.

I just took you to the cleaners.

(laughter)

Yeah, and I just took you
to the donut shop.

Okay, I can tell by your reaction

his was better.

Ah, back to the scene of the crime.

Come on.
I just want you to read something.

"Joe Nuñez eats butt."

Yeah, everybody knows that.

Lower.

"Double Dee-Luca."

That's what the girls
called me in fifth grade.

I was an early bloomer.

It was horrible.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

And it wasn't just the girls.

My gym teacher wouldn't
let me use the trampoline

unless I wore a football helmet.

No.

Yeah.

Those nuns were cruel.

Well, if people were mean to you,

why'd you pick on me?

'Cause I was an angry,
embarrassed, big-boobed kid.

And I took it out on kids
that were younger than me

because they couldn't fight back.

And, obviously,

I haven't gotten any better at empathy

as I've gotten older.

I'm really sorry, Tush.

(chuckles wryly)

You think it's that simple?

I'm hoping.

You still have that
lunch box you bought me?

I'll bring it tomorrow.

Thanks.

I can't believe I was scary enough

to make you pee your pants.

You still are.

When you yelled at me at the shop,

I went a little.

Now, Fawz claims he doesn't use
chemicals at his dry cleaners.

Have you seen his employees?

They've obviously been
exposed to something.

Not true. That's my wife's family.

They're just ugly.

Guys, you're ignoring
the important issues,

like easing the restrictions on signage

or expanding the bike-share program.

Do we really care about people

that can't afford their own bikes?

Okay, let's open up
the floor to questions.

I got one.

So, tell me something.

If you all decide to
tear down Grayden Park,

where's the little man supposed to play?

Hey, no one said we could bring props.

Hey, everybody. I'm-I'm Franco.

And this awesome kid
right here is Andre.

So, Andre, tell everybody
what the park means to you.

Oh, let me guess.
It's where he learned to play baseball.

Blah, blah, blah.

Actually, I'm not much of a sportsman.

But the park is where I
learned how to plant a garden.

And because of said garden,

I also learned self-defense.

Mm-hmm.

And after you play in the park,
what do you do?

Well, sometimes
I get a haircut from you,

or I buy ice cream from you

and enjoy it while
staring through the window

of your yoga studio.

(laughs): Oh!

Andre just hit puberty.

But you see?

The park is bringing you business.

All good points.

And that is why,
as you have all heard me say many times,

I am for the playground.

But we need parking, too.

Also a good point, which is why

you're allowed to park
in the playground.

There must be another solution.

Hey,
that old Endicott building is empty.

Couldn't we turn that
into a parking garage?

Uh, isn't that against the zoning laws?

No, they just rezoned that whole block.

(confused chatter)

Seriously?

No one reads the handbook?

You know, you don't have to read stuff.

You're attractive.

All right, look,
whether there's a handbook or not...

- There is.
- (sighs)

And the end of the day,
the choice comes down

to just two people.

You want a pillar of the
Uptown business community?

Or do you want a modern leader

who's willing to say absolutely anything

to be elected?

What about her?

She knows what she's talking about.
I'm voting for her.

Well, you can't. She's not running.

Well, actually, the bylaws

do allow a write-in candidate.

Oh, sure,
just because she knows the bylaws

and she cares about the neighborhood,

you think she's qualified?

Okay, show of hands.

All in favor of food truck lady?

You don't even own a business.

Food truck lady it is.

(all cheering)

But she's inexperienced,

and I don't even know if she
was born in this country.

I demand to see your birth certificate.

Well, Arthur,

you know I'm not good with apologies.

(sighs)

Wait a minute, th-that's it?

Fine, I'll spoon-feed you.

I'm sorry for the things I
said about you being old.

This shop is an Uptown institution,

and you should be proud of that.

So, why all the mudslinging?

Because I wanted to
be reelected so badly.

You know, being president
of the Business Council

this past year made me feel respected.

You know, how everyone respects

the president of the United States.

Well, for whatever it's worth,
I respect you.

I mean, you came here with nothing,

you built a business,

you b*rned that business
down for the insurance money,

and you started a dry cleaners.

Thank you, and you can't prove anything.

There she is.

All hail Madam President.

Not my president.

Hey.

So, any, uh,
big plans for your first term?

So many. I want to do
an Uptown food festival,

repave all the sidewalks.

I'm even thinking of
doing a Dollar Days.

I might even spell it with a "Z."

(laughs): I'm giddy with power.

That's cool.

We can celebrate your win
at the Chance concert.

Oh, my God. I'm-I'm so sorry.

My first council
meeting is Friday night.

I know. I read the bylaws,

and I switched our tickets to Saturday.

You read the bylaws?

It's kind of hot, right?

It is.

Tell you what.

I'll take you to lunch right now

if you can tell me what bylaw ,
section three is.

- Uh, it's... Section three?
- Mm-hmm.

(scoffs) That's my favorite bylaw.

Uh, thou shalt not...

- See you later, Franco.
- Okay.

I hate that handbook.