02x11 - Grades of Wrath

[bunniefuu]

What the hell is wrong with Chicago?

Too windy?

Too m*rder-y?

Too much improv and racial tension?

No! Somebody wrote a bad
review about my truck on Yelp.

They've described my food as
"farm to toilet."

What the hell is Yelp?

It's a Web site where
customers can review plumbers,

restaurants, stores...

Yelp sounds stupid.

Superior Donuts got five stars.

I always liked Yelp.

"Old-world charm...

"The best donuts in Chicago...

Owner and employee have a fun
Chico and the Man dynamic."

Arthur, people love your donuts.

This has got tons of great reviews.
Uh-oh.

What? Who gave me one star?

"Uptown Java Junkie."

"I come here all the time."

(laughs) What a loser.

Go ahead.

Uh, "I love the atmosphere,
and the donuts are thick and chewy."

So why just one star?

"Unfortunately, so is the coffee."

Oh, cr...! Man... what?

"Their coffee turns me off-y." (laughs)

That should be a T-shirt.

How could anyone say that?
I pride myself on my coffee.

Uptown Java Junkie,

you are banned.

- Arthur.
- Hmm?

You can't do that. It's anonymous.

It could be anybody.

Yeah, but we know
he comes here all the time.

Or she.

I'll bet it is a she.

The review has a tone.

Arthur, it's-it's one person's opinion.

And it could be a woman, so... meh.

Look, if it bothers you that much,

why don't you try a different coffee?

What?! No, I'm not gonna change it.

People come here for my coffee

and my warm, inviting atmosphere!

Yo, Arthur,
can I take the rest of the day off

if I come in to work tonight?

We're not open at night.

Cool. See you tomorrow.

How's the first week of school?

Great. It's pretty much
everything I hoped it would be.

Got to head to my professor's office

to hand in my first, uh...
what's the word?

- Assignment?
- Masterpiece!

Well, at least you're humble.

Well, it's hard to be
humble when you made this.

- Oh!
- TUSH: Whoa!

- Jesus on a skateboard.
- Yeah.

Everybody likes skateboarding,

and a lot of people like some Jesus.

Well, I'm glad he's enjoying himself.

It does not end well for him.

Well, the class is called
"Intro to Figure Drawing."

I got to take it for my major, you know.

The assignment was a
basic pencil sketch,

and I'm pretty beyond all that, so...

The detail is amazing.

Look, he's wearing himself
on a gold chain.

Yeah. This is gonna blow
my professor away.

You know, I'm hoping he might
recommend me to a gallery,

and I get my own show,
and I'll be the next Basquiat,

and Rihanna writes a song about me.

You know, the usual stuff. You know?

All right, bless me,
Skateboard Jesus. Mwah.

- Got to bounce.
- Good luck.

Don't need luck, got a masterpiece!

Oh! "Farm to toilet," I just got it.

So this is my first college assignment.

So I just, like, what, drop this
off and then you send me my A-plus?

No, you stand there,
and I give you a C-minus.

C-minus?

I would give you a D,

but then I'd have to fill out
all that probationary paperwork,

pull the dean into it.

I've outlasted three deans.

I do not intend to meet this one.

Dude, I need at least a B-minus
to keep my financial aid.

I understand.

Unfortunately,
you didn't do the assignment,

which was a pencil
portrait of a human figure.

Which is so basic.
What I did was way cooler, man.

It-it makes a statement

about people's conceptions of religion.

I bet nobody else did that.

You're right.
Everybody else did the assignment.

You are really obsessed
with this assignment, man.

Yo, I'm , I-I've been a
street artist for ten years.

All right? This is my thing.

Well, my thing is not to reward students

who think that they're clever
enough to dodge the assignment.

Ah! Heard "clever."

You know, Mr. Wicks, with your attitude,

I could actually see you being a
professional painter in a few years.

That's my dream right there, man.

Wh-Wh-What you mean,
like murals o-o-or portraits?

No, I meant like a house.

Think about it.

I'll give you the room.

Ay, if you want to smite him,
I'll understand.

Can I offer you a cup
of joe on the house?

- No, thanks.
- "No, thanks"?

That's a hell of a way to
tell me that my coffee sucks.

Hey, you've got something to say,

have the balls to say it
to my face, huh?

Maybe I'll Yelp you, Java Junkie.

No stars!

Hey, it's a good thing you
got over that bad review.

When did gutless weasels get the power

to criticize you anonymously?

About eight minutes after
the Internet was invented.

Why do you care what some
random person thinks?

Because it's so public.
It's just out there

zippity zappity-ing around
in the space cloud... web.

What are you gonna do
if you find this guy?

Put him on your "banned for life" list?

Hey, if you don't like it,

I can add your name right
below Wayne Mitchell.

Poor Wayne.

He just asked if you had one
of those cardboard cup trays.

God gave you two hands, Wayne, use them!

FAWZ: Hey, look!

It's Leonardo DaFranco. (chuckles)

What a talent.

I'm so happy I bought
one of your paintings.

You sure?
'Cause my professor gave me a C-minus.

Oh.

Well, I'll give it to my aunt.
She's blind.

A C-minus?

You got to be kidding me.

Yeah, because that's a great painting.

I don't think he gets me.

He's one of these stuffy,
by-the-book professors

who wants me to start with the basics.
Which is cool.

That's cool. I can do basics.

Oh, that's the spirit, kid.

All right, so, hey,
could somebody be my model?

Right here in the donut shop?

What sort of self-obsessed idiot...

Bup! I'll do it.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I've done a lot of gigs
modeling for art students.

It's a lot harder than you think.

You got to sit there, in one place,

for hours, barely moving.

How do you do it?

Where do you want me, Franco?

All right, so I'm thinking
right by this window, you know.

That'll accentuate your, uh... No!

Listen, if you like your monty full,

I'm gonna have to insist
we do this in the kitchen.

No.

Oh, hey, Tush. New sweater?

Hey, Tush, I-I just remembered

the model's supposed to have hair.

So the kitchen, then?

No.

What I meant is,
maybe Sofia would be a better model.

Hey, Sofia,

would you mind posing for my art class?

It would only take ten minutes.

Okay, but I'm not taking my shirt off.

Okay.

All right, but if you want somebody

who's not ashamed of their body,

you know where to find me.

Do you like to draw?

(sighs) Why is this taking so long?

I'm the size of a lawn gnome.

Yeah.

Just putting on the finishing touches.

Wasn't as simple as I thought it'd be,

but I think you're gonna like it.

- Hey, that's so good.
- Yeah.

But why am I wearing catcher's mitts?

Oh, those are your hands.

No.

Because my fingers aren't webbed.

Look, okay,
y-you were holding them all weird.

Oh, so this is my fault?

I'm going back to my truck.

- Maybe I can swim there with my flippers.
- Wait.

Hold on.

Okay, okay, just give me
one more chance, all right?

Take a seat.

- Thank you.
- ARTHUR: Okay.

Here's your regular order,

one dozen donuts without
anything to wash them down with

because my coffee stinks?

I didn't say that.

You didn't have to,

Uptown Java Junkie.

My name is Nathaniel.

And I don't drink coffee, and,
yes, I used to be a junkie.

(voice breaking): But I have worked
very hard to get to this point, sir.

Oh, look, uh... thanks for coming.

Hope you enjoyed Verbal Abuse Wednesday.

Arthur, you can't keep doing this.

I just got to find out
who wrote that review.

Well, why don't you channel
that negative energy

into something positive?

If those millennials don't
appreciate your coffee,

why don't you offer an alternative?

Like what? Tea and warm milk?

That'll cover old ladies and cats.

No, what I mean is,
offer them a different kind of coffee.

Okay, I guess I could do that.

We could have a taste test later, huh.

- Only, I can't participate.
- Why not?

Because if I have coffee after : ,

I'll be up until : .

Damn, you got some dumb-ass fingers.

Well, maybe it'd be easier if
you drew them one at a time.

Guess which one you can start with.

Okay, okay.

I'm sorry. My bad.
It's such an easy assignment.

I don't know why it's so hard for me.

All right, what's going on here?

Yeah, and why does Sofia
have bowling balls

at the end of her arms?

I can't draw hands, all right?

Really? Seems pretty basic.

Did you think that would
make me feel better?

Maybe you should draw a pirate.

That way,
one of the hands can be a hook.

Man, how the hell am I
gonna end up in a gallery

if I can't even do the first
assignment in art class?

Well, supposed to be creative, right?

I think I have a creative solution.

Pencil. Figure.

Drawing. Bam!

Well, I must say, I am impressed.

(sighs) Not surprised.

Usually my students put the hands

behind the backs of their subjects

when they don't know how to draw hands.

What?

(chuckles)

That's funny. You a funny teacher.

You don't think I can draw some hands?

No, I do not.

Well, I'll bet what you didn't know

is that this piece is
called Where My Keys At?

You can't pass this class
if you can't draw hands.

All right, new assignment.

I want you back here tomorrow morning,

with pencil drawings of four
different pairs of hands.

Cool. Mm. If that's what you want, fine.

Easy-peasy.

No mittens, no boxing gloves.

Come on, man!

Come on, look, I'm not
some -year-old freshman, dude.

I don't need to know how to draw hands.

Did you know, I have a certain
reputation as a street artist?

Then why are you
bothering with this class?

I'm starting to wonder
that my damn self.

God, m-maybe
I don't belong in art school.

Maybe I should just go
back to where I came from.

This is the part when you
tell me I have a lot of talent

and I should stick with it.

Fine.

I'll give you the room.

(door opens)

Thanks for helping me
find a five-star coffee.

Now, just tell me what you think,

and then you get back to
whatever you were doing.

I'm supposed to be lifeguarding
at the Holiday Inn,

but it's all good.

I threw in some pool
noodles before I left.

Okay, now, just say the first
thing that comes into your head.

Don't hold back.

Randy?

Motor oil.

What? Oh...

Sofia?

Can we say "motor oil" again?

Nobody say "motor oil."

Tush.

Wow, you really tied my hands with that
"no motor oil" thing.

Ooh, lighter fluid.

Oh, damn it!

All right. Nobody leaves until
we find a great cup of coffee.

(sighs)

By the way,
how did Franco weasel out of doing this?

He had some painting to do.

Probably some project for school.

(clicking, spraying)

All right.

Uh-oh.

Okay, this next one is called

Sumatran Mountain Reserve.

Are you sure it's not
called Satan's Urine Sample?

(groans)

(phone ringing)

Oh, it's Franco.

Hey.

What? Where are you?

Oh, hopefully not the deep
end of the Holiday Inn pool.

Oh, my God.
Okay, okay, I'll-I'll be right there.

He was tagging a billboard on Ashland,

and he got stuck up there.

ARTHUR: What?

- He's tagging?
- We have to help him.

Now? It's so late.

Do we all have to go?

Yeah, I still have
coffees I want you to try.

Come on, guys. Franco needs our help.

Finally.

We got here as fast as we could.

Tush, I saw you buy a hot dog
at the vendor across the street.

Hey, what the hell's wrong with you?

- Man, you brought Arthur?
- Hey, come on.

You promised me you were done tagging.

Now, that's against the law, you know?

Look, I don't need a lecture right now.

Okay? What I do need is
that ladder right there.

No, no, no.

Not until you tell us
what's going on with you.

Uh, my ladder fell,
and I'm not Spider-Man.

Okay, have it your way.

But it's gonna get
awfully cold up there.

Let's go, guys.

Okay! Okay.

Okay.

My professor's on to me.

He knows I don't belong in art school.

He said that?

Pretty much.

He knows I suck at drawing hands.

Ha. I could've told him that.

So I decided to grab my
paints and go tagging.

The one thing I'm actually good at.

Although clearly,
my ladder skills have slipped.

All right, so he doesn't love your work.

Big deal.

I got a Yelper out
there that's telling me

I can't make coffee anymore.

I'm not gonna give up.

You know what I'm gonna do instead?

Force us to drink mud?

No.

I'm gonna let that criticism
light a fire under me.

And then, eventually, I'm gonna make

the best damn coffee in Chicago again.

In fact,

I'm grateful to the Uptown Java Junkie.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I just wish I knew who that guy was,

so I could look him right in
the eye and say "thank you."

It was us.

You rat bastards.

Wait, you guys wrote that review? Why?

'Cause we're in there every day,
drinking his swill,

and it just keeps getting worse.

So why didn't you just tell me?

We did, a bunch of times.

And you just ignored us.

And in case you haven't noticed,

you are not a big fan of criticism.

Ah, bite me!

Hey, guys?

I-I'm not sure if I mentioned this,
but ladder!

No, no, no. No. Not until you promise me

you'll go back to that
class and try again.

I've been trying.

I drew a thousand hands,
and they all suck.

Well, then turn them in,
and let the professor show you

how to draw them better.

Now, isn't that what you went to
school for in the first place?

(sighs) Fine.

Fine, fine. I'll do it.

Okay.

SOFIA: Hey.

You guys didn't write that nasty
review about my truck, did you?

Yeah, right.

If we had something to say
about your truck, you'd know it.

Should we tell her it was us?

Maybe we should wait
till we're on the ground.

Go ahead.

Hit me with your best sh*t.

(imitating Mills):
"These aren't hands, they're hams."

"Did you draw this
during an earthquake?" Uh...

Uh, "What did you use to draw these,
a Tragic Marker?"

What grade do you need to
keep your financial aid?

B-minus.

Fine.

B-minus.

You finally did the assignment,

and it's not half terrible.

Thank you. Appreciate it.

You don't seem very happy about it.

Professor Mills,

for years I've been trying
to get into art school.

And here I am,

with a charity B-minus and a
"not half terrible."

So it's a little harder than
you thought it would be?

Hell yeah.

But I'm a street artist, man.

But here, there's all these rules

a-and techniques and-and theories.

Yo, be real with me, man.

Do I even belong here?

Mr. Wicks,
have you ever heard of Burn ?

Have I heard...
yes, of course I've heard of Burn .

He's a graffiti legend, man.

Cool.

What, you a fan?

Huge fan.

Largely because I'm him.

You're Burn ?

I was.

Until I got tired of the city
always painting over my work.

I wanted to do something
that would last.

Maybe hang in a museum.

But I could only make that happen

if I moved out of my comfort zone.

And that's when I went to art school.

And is that when you quit tagging?

No, I quit a couple of years later,

when I had a kid, and my wife said,

"If you want to do something
in the middle of the night,

watch this baby."

(chuckles)

So I do know where you come from.

Franco, you have talent.

And if you're willing to
embrace what you don't know,

and to fail along the way,
then yes, you belong here.

All right.

Let's get started.

- Now?
- Yep.

Cool.

Now, when you're drawing fingers,

just think of them as
stacks of cylinders.

Hey, w-when you're done with that,
can I have it?

You know my sketches go for
over a thousand dollars.

Yeah, which is why
I'm-a ask you to sign it.

Hey, Arthur.

Any luck making drinkable coffee?

No, I've tried everything.

Different beans, different filter,
different water,

different religion.

I lit a candle at the Catholic church.

A candle?

Your coffee needs an exorcism.

Wh-What's happened to me?

My coffee used to be amazing.

Yeah, I know.

It's just getting
worse and worse lately.

Maybe something's
wrong with the machine.

No way. It's the same one
I've had for years.

This is top of the line.

a*t*matic timer, self-cleaning.

Self-cleaning?

What are you talking about?

Joanie used to clean that
once a week with vinegar.

She did?

So that machine hasn't been
cleaned since Joanie d*ed?

Oh, shh. Shh, shh, shh.

No one needs to know this, right?

Free donuts for the rest of the month.

Donut holes.

- Deal.
- Okay.

You okay, Franco?

Yeah.

I had to draw another full
body sketch for class,

and Sofia's at work, so...

Turns out,
I'm not just bad at drawing hands.

No, it looks about right.