02x12 - Always Bet on Black

[bunniefuu]

Oh, God.

That's pretty rough.

Arthur, it's just your reflection.

We all get old.

No, the cops are busting some
guy for selling stolen watches.

Ooh, a bust?

Let me see.

Oh, yep.

That guy looks like a runner.

Better put the cuffs on him!

- Oh!
- Ah!

There he goes. I knew it!

- Whoa!
- Oh.

Hey, is that Harry?

Did you get out of prison?

Officer,
you better give him a cavity search.

That's where he keeps the Rolexes.

- (sighs)
- You've been on leave for how long, six months?

You look like you
really miss the action.

I miss it a little.

But I don't miss all that paperwork.

And trying to dodge a b*llet every day.

Well, what's worse? Dodging a b*llet

or listening to Arthur rant

about how one-percent milk is a scam?

Randy, do you think
this woman's attractive?

Well, it's not often you
see a lady smoking a pipe.

I met her on this new dating
app called Pipe-Smokers.

I thought it was gonna
be something else.

- But now I'm into it.
- Oh.

Really, Tush? Is that your thing?

When it comes to dating,
everything's my thing.

It's all about volume.

I'm also on Chicago Singles,

Rodeo Folk, and Gotta be Amish.

Any nibbles?

Oh, yeah. I'm on Any Nibbles as well.

Hey, Fawz, what the hell is this doing

in the front of your store?

You don't like it?
I'm celebrating Black History Day.

First of all, it's Black History Month.

Yikes. Give them an inch.

What's this?

SOFIA: "Malcolm X-tra Big Savings."

- It's not cool, dude.
- FAWZ: Fine.

I'll change it to
"We Charge Frederick Doug-less".

No. That's what I hate about
Black History Month, man.

People just paying lip
service to make some money.

Like when these companies
hire a gospel choir

in their commercials to
sell some chicken nuggets.

Or the place down the street

doing the Harriet Tubman Escape Room.

The white people got a map.

Don't worry. The business
council is putting up banners

featuring four icons of black history.

- Rosa Parks, MLK...
- MLK,

George Washington Carver
and Harriet Tubman.

How'd you know?

Those are the same four
people recognized every year.

And I appreciate the effort,
Sofia, I do,

but there's so much more to
black history than just that.

People don't know about
the unsung heroes,

like Wesley Snipes.

First black vampire?

Oh, oh, you're right.

Eddie Murphy. Vampire in Brooklyn.

You know, Franco, you got to give us

a little more credit than that.

We know something about black history.

- Yeah.
- Oh?

You-you know something
about black history?

All right, okay, well,
let's see how many

black historical figures
you guys can name

in about seconds.
Sweatpants, time it.

Okay, go.

Michael Jordan, Walter Payton.

No athletes.

I got one.

O.J. Simpson.

But for his acting.

I'll allow it.

Marcus Garvey, Charles Drew.

Hey, if you name one more,

you get an honorary black girl name.

Madam C.J. Walker.

Oh, damn, Yashika. Okay.

Ten seconds.

Uh, the first black astronaut!

I need an actual name, Fawz.

Uh, Darth Vader?

Time's up.

That was pathetic.
There's so many people

y'all should be knowing about.

Writers, engineers, inventors.

You know something?

I'm gonna bring in
somebody to teach y'all

about the parts of black history
y'all know nothing about.

Did you say "know nothing about"
or "care nothing about"?

Because there's a lot of overlap.

I'm gonna make you care. And, look,

I know we have a long way to go,

but hearing these
stories from these icons,

- it makes me want to keep fighting.
- (phone vibrating)

Oh. Sounds like I got a match.

Her name is Amber Alert.

I don't know why I need
her license plate number.

But you damn right I'll
be on the lookout for her.

(scoffs)

♪ ♪

Howdy, partners.

If we don't ask, he won't say anything.

I'm meeting a date here for coffee.

Problem is, I can't remember
if I met her on Rodeo Folk

or JDate.

From rib eye to rabbi.

RANDY: So,
what do you know about this woman?

Her name is Paula Hendricks.

She's a real looker
from the shoulders up.

I hope she has arms,
but it's not a deal breaker.

So you didn't look her up online,
do a little research?

No, I like the mystery.

Maybe she's just got one arm...
that could be fun.

I've been a cop for years,
and you have to be very careful

if you're gonna be poking
around on the Internet.

You don't know this woman.

She could end up stealing your identity,
or your kidney.

Trust me, there's only one
organ she's gonna be gettin'.

That's right, my heart.

Oh, there she is. Take this.

- Carl?
- Hey there, little lady.

You can call me Tush. (chuckles)

I don't like this.

Tush is just too trusting.

I'm gonna see what the
Internet has to say

about Paula Hendricks.

ARTHUR: Yeah.

She gave Taco Express five stars.

So we know she smokes weed.

All right, so, uh,

I just tracked down
Colin Powell's number

to see if he can come speak,
and he just got back to me.

- What'd he say?
- "New phone. Who dis?"

You know,
there's this guy at my nursing home

who's always talking about
how he played baseball

in the n*gro Leagues.

- Are you serious?
- Mm-hmm.

- Hey, that could be dope.
- Wait a minute,

you said no athletes.

But this dude is different...
He's a witness to history.

Oh, my God.
Yo, he might have known Jackie Robinson.

You know, growing up, that was my hero.

I used to wear a number jersey.

- Hey, you think he'd come for bucks?
- Probably.

He'll make his own bed if
you give him extra bacon.

(Paula laughing loudly)

Well, that can't be real.

And neither can Paula Hendricks.

It's like she's hiding something.

She's not on Twitter,
Facebook or Instagram.

Have you tried the phone book?

Why? You think she's hiding in ?

(grumbles)

I've got to feed the meter
before we have lunch.

All right, I'll see you outside.

Uh, so... now you're going out to lunch?

Look, be careful, Tush.

Something's off about her.

Yeah, hopefully her top and her pants.

Well, I'm gonna do a little digging.

I hope I get to do a little diggin'.

Look, Randy, I appreciate your concern,

but don't ruin this for me.

(whispers): What are you doing?

I'm gonna take this down
to my friend at the lab

and get her fingerprints.

Wish me luck.

She's gonna m*rder you.

Eh. As long as we have sex first.

Wow, nice banner.

Did you make that yourself?

Yeah, had to. Could only find one person

who was willing to print the word
"n*gro" on a banner,

and that dude was way
too excited about it.

Hey. What's up, y'all?

I invited some of the kids

from my old Little League
team to come meet Wheels.

He's gonna motivate
'em to follow their dreams,

and who knows,
one of 'em might end up being

- the next black president.
- SWEATPANTS: Hey, hey, hey,

everybody, meet Wheels Langdon!

(chuckles)

(whispering):
They call him Wheels because he's fast,

not because he's in a wheelchair.

That's just sadly ironic.

Hey, I can hear you, jackass.

- It's a pleasure meeting you, sir.
- Listen,

I-I'm sorry you had to
come through the back door.

Yeah, that's the first time
anybody's made me do that

in years.

No, no, I...
I mean we don't have a ramp.

Oh, I'm just messing with you.

- I know you're not a r*cist.
- No.

You just hate cripples.

Uh, well, you guys do take
all the good parking spaces.

Anyway, let's get started, kids.

- Gather round. Come on, come on.
- Ooh.

Do we get free donuts?

Even better...
you get to meet a real-life hero

who's gonna tell you
about his amazing life.

Everybody, put your hands together

for Mr. Wheels Langdon!

Wheels Langdon!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Listen up, there was a time
in history when black people

weren't even allowed to
play in the big leagues.

But Jackie Robinson was the first.

Now, tell us, sir,
did you ever meet him?

(chuckles): Meet him?

I used to play against him all the time.

Oh! Whoo! Oh, see?

He played against him all the time,
the great Jackie Robinson.

All right, man, so tell us,
what was he like?

Oh, Jackie?
He was a big-time ballplayer.

Yeah, he was.

And an even bigger S.O.B.

Which stands for Super
Outstanding Ballplayer.

No, no. He was a weasel, a real suck-up.

- Franco. May I?
- Mm-hmm.

Mr. Langdon, tell us, what was it like

going from the Jim Crow era

to seeing our first black president?

(chuckles): Yeah,
the first and the last.

What?

Well, they gave us one
just to shut us up.

After that, white people got so mad

at having a black president
that they elected an orange one.

And so orange is the new black.

Who wants free donuts?

Nice job, kid. You found the one person

in America who doesn't
like Jackie Robinson.

Maybe you can round up some
Vietcong for Veterans Day.

Hey.

What exactly is your problem
with Jackie Robinson?

He ruined everything.

I had it good in the n*gro Leagues.

Made a decent living.

And the women...

- What's your point?
- Well, when Jackie

went to the majors,
that was the end of the n*gro Leagues.

I was out of a job.

Didn't even get my own baseball card.

You mean nobody picked
you up for the majors?

They should have,
but I didn't kiss enough ass.

Although there was a
lady in Kansas City.

- Yeah, okay.
- FRANCO: Okay, okay.

All right. Well, maybe w-we'll
just stay away from baseball.

And ass. Um...

Why don't you just tell these
kids that things are better

than they used to be?

Boy, you as crazy as your haircut.

We fought hard

to make sure that you had
everything we didn't have,

and you're throwing it all away.

Sir,

with all due respect, you don't know me.

I'm an activist, I'm an artist.

There it is.

He's gay.

You don't know me at all, man.

All I see is a kid who spends
too much money on shoes.

In our day, you make $ ,

you bought yourself a house,
not a pair of damn sneakers.

Okay, but houses
cost a little more nowadays.

No, no, no, I think he's right.
Yeah, you spend

most of the money I pay you on shoes.

Yeah, look at these.

$ , last me years.

Ten dollars, years.

Well, technically that's
not fair because, you know,

you don't walk.

(chuckles)

Who's this bald-headed Puerto
Rican think he's talking to?

FRANCO: Hey, you know what?

This ain't working out. So, Sweatpants,

uh, take Mr. Langdon back to the home.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
he stays, he stays.

Hey, come on, we're hitting it off here.

Yeah, see? He-he gets me.

And you know what you can get me?

Hmm?

A cup of coffee.

Hey, Fawz, where's Tush?

At another lunch with Paula.

I have to warn him.

I ran Paula's prints, got a hit in Ohio.

Called Cleveland PD.

Turns out, she's a real nutjob.

Do you know where they went?

I think he said they're
going for ribs or pizza.

Great, that narrows it down.

To every restaurant in Chicago.

Fawz, this is serious.

- She's been married five times.
- So?

And two of her husbands d*ed
under mysterious circumstances.

Tush just went from a
donut shop to a rib shack.

How many more years do
you think he has left?

Is that the way he comes to work?

With his pants hanging down?

In our day, only people saw your drawers

was your doctor and your wife.

What about that lady from Kansas City?

Watch out now.

(laughs)

This is the worst Black
History Month ever.

I'm pretty sure we had some
bad ones back in the s.

Man, why'd you invite him

if you knew he was
such a pain in the ass?

Because the people at the home
are giving me a hundred bucks

to keep him out till : .

If he never comes back, I get a car.

- Wow, this is interesting.
- What?

Well, turns out Wheels isn't
quite the baseball player

he said he was.

His career average was only . .

So, what, he stole a bunch of bases?

Nope. Stole nine, got caught times.

They called him "Wheels"
because he drove the team bus.

Oh.

No wonder his grumpy ass
never got a baseball card.

Ah, whatever, man. Let him have his lie.

He'll be out of here in an hour.

Or three.

If I keep him out till : ,

I get a bike.

RANDY: Oh, Tush,

there you are.

Look, I got some news
about your new girlfriend.

So do I.

She's into me.

Yeah, she's also a crazy woman.

She has five ex-husbands and
at least that many aliases.

Yeah, she told me all about it.

The ex-husbands, the name changes,

the cult she led.

She led a cult?

See? You don't know everything.

So, you're cool with that?

It's all in the past.

You need to find something
to do with your life

besides snooping into mine.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go get some lunch.

Didn't you just have lunch with Paula?

I didn't want to eat too
much in front of a lady,

so I just had an appetizer:
a medium pizza

and garlic knots.

I'd have to say my mother-in-law.

Your mother-in-law was the
toughest pitch you ever faced?

Oh, you said "pitch."

(both laugh)

Hey, can I get some coffee?

Yeah. I'll put it in a little to-go cup,

you know, since you'll be going soon.

Why you so cranky, son?

Probably
'cause I invited you here to celebrate

Black History Month,
not disrespect our past.

Oh, please.

Black History Month is a joke.

Every year,

they parade around the same four people.

(stammers) That's wh...

that's-that's why
I brought you here, man! To...

to change all that!

Well, if you think
an old man signing baseballs

in a donut shop can change things,

you're a bigger fool than I thought.

You know, at least I'm doing something,

not sitting around telling lies.

Excuse me?

You heard what I said.

. batting average,

nine stolen bases,

drove the team bus.

You were nowhere near
close to Jackie Robinson

or the big leagues.

Franco, that's enough.

I don't have to take this from you.

Sweatpants, bring the car around.

Uh, it's a van,
and they're probably not back

- from the quilt show, so...
- Just get me out of here.

Backwards.

I want to stare him down on my way out.

- Morning, Tush.
- Morning.

I know you're mad.

But I had some time to think,

and you're right.

My daughter's away at school,

I miss my job.

I'm bored.

Meddling in your love life
gave me something to do.

I hope you and Paula
are very happy together.

She's a freak.

She shaved off my eyebrow.

Why'd she do that?

She thought she saw me
look at another woman.

So when we went back to her place,

she gave me a Chicago Roofie.

A tray of lasagna and a light beer.

Then she took a straight
razor and did this.

I knew it!
I knew I got a crazy vibe off her.

Your instincts were right.

You still got it.

Damn right I do.

That was fun, cracking that case.

I've been thinking,

maybe it's time I went back to work.

Back on the old b*at, huh?

Actually, I want to be a detective.

- I think you'd be good at that.
- Right?

And I was getting kind of
tired of that stupid uniform.

I mean, it made me feel like a badass

but mostly because the pants ride up.

Wait, if you're a detective,

would you still be able
to come here every day?

Sure! Why not?

Oh.

Hey, Fawz!

- The hell is this?
- What?

You wanted me to change it.

Oh, to "We shall overcome tough stains"?

I was gonna go with "Free at last,
free at last,

thank God Almighty,
alterations are free at last".

But I ran out of space.

Whatever.

Do what you want, man.

Y'all hopeless.

Why? You've given up
on Black History Month?

Hey, I tried.

I invited Wheels here to
teach people something,

but he spent the whole
time disrespecting me.

Yeah, well, the man was a little bitter.

Can you blame him?

He had a dream to play baseball...

It got taken away from him.

Thanks to that son of a
bitch Jackie Robinson.

His words, not mine.

Look, the dude was just so negative.

Well, he had a story to tell.

You just kept talking about Jackie.

You know, for every Jackie,
there's a hundred Wheels.

And he's part of history, too.

Yeah.
And his stories were kind of rough,

but they were really interesting.

You ought to talk to him sometime.

Or just listen.

All right. All right.

Thank you.

Not now, dumbass.

You're still on the clock.

(exhales)

What the hell are you doing here?

I just made you a little
Black History Month present.

Here.

Baseball cards?

Mm-hmm.

- That's me.
- Yeah.

You said you never had one,
and now you do.

"Chicago American Giants.

- "Luther 'Wheels' Langdon.
- Mm-hmm.

"Shortstop... slash-bus driver".

The last part's a little harsh.

This was in Atlanta.

- I remember that game.
- Really?

That was a long time ago.

Well, it was my best game of the season.

Got a hit off of, uh, Satchel Paige.

- What? (chuckles)
- And then drove a bus

all the way through
Mississippi on one t*nk of gas.

- You did not want to stop in Mississippi.
- Mm.

(clicks tongue) Yeah.

Well, I'm glad you like the cards.

Who said I liked it?

All right, well, fine,
I'll take 'em back.

The hell you will.

(chuckles)

Look, man,
I-I know I brought you in the shop

to teach people about black history.

But, turns out,
I could use a lesson myself.

I could've told you that.

You know,
Arthur said you had some good stories,

and I would...
I would love to listen to 'em.

But, please, please
no trash-talking Jackie Robinson.

Well, you know,
he really was a very nice guy.

All right.

Yeah, I carried his bags in
Union Station years later,

and he remembered me.

Gave me a ten-dollar tip.

Really?

You were a porter?

Every day for years.

Damn. That sounds rough.

Yeah, well, maybe if I had the
opportunities that you have,

I could've been a gay artist.

Well, I'm... not a...

Continue.

(chuckles)

But I put two girls through college.

One of 'em's a doctor.

Her daughter's a fashion model.

Really?

She single?

- Watch out now.
- Okay.

(speaking indistinctly)