02x16 - Friends Without Benefits

[bunniefuu]

So, what are you working on?

Since I'm the newest detective
they stuck me with the cold cases.

This couple was dismembered
while they slept.

Ugh. Till death did they part.

Yeah, I'm trying
to figure out who did it.

Hello. What do we have here?

- A clue?
- The lamp.

This would look so
good in my living room.

Randy, now that you're a detective,

can I be your streetwise sidekick
that busts heads and takes names?

Because I don't play by the rules, lady.

Yeah, I work alone.

That's how all buddy cop movies start.

I can't wait for the part
where you have to handcuff me

to the steering wheel.

ARTHUR: Hey, guys!
Where'd you go to lunch?

Shaw's. And look,
I brought you something.

Oh, no, you didn't.

Oh, my favorite.

Free Sweet'N Low.

Thanks, Franco. Or should I say Tavi?

It was my idea.

Yeah, you can't afford
Shaw's on what you make here.

I pay for some stuff, too.

I left a pretty generous tip
for the bathroom attendant.

They don't have bathroom attendants.

Oh. Then I paid some dude
five bucks to watch me pee.

That is the going rate.

So, Arthur, you're a Cubs fan, right?

Am I a Cubs fan? Am I a Cubs fan?

Let me show you my Cubs tattoo.

- No, no, no, no, no.
- No, no, that's good. That's okay.

My dad has a box at Wrigley,

but he's gonna be in
London for a week in May.

Do you want it?

Do I want a box at Wri... Oh, thank you.

She's a keeper.

Hey, listen, uh,

the next time you go to Shaw's,

we're running low on toilet paper.

Okay.

Uh-oh, Sofia's here.

Why are you talking like that?

Well, because, you know,

you and Sofia, and now you and Tavi...

Had sex?

I was gonna say "wacka wacka,"

but that works, too.

What are you guys talking about?

Arthur thinks it's awkward
'cause you and I used to hook up,

and now I'm dating Tavi.

Oh. Why would that be awkward?

I don't get your generation.

When I met one of Joanie's ole beaus,

I'd tell him to scram

before I gave him a knuckle sandwich.

(chuckling)

I feel like I got older just
listening to that sentence.

So, times have changed, thank God.

- Here you go.
- SOFIA: Yeah, it's so not a big deal.

We didn't even have a relationship.

And Franco was totally
honest and up-front about it,

which I really appreciate.

I enjoy comparing notes with my lovers.

Each new partner is like a blank canvas,

and I want to know exactly
how they want to be painted.

Well, I'm gonna go.

Uh, don't forget we have
that Jay-Z concert tonight.

Oh, right, right, right. Bye, baby.

Well, look at you,
Mr. Fancy, seeing Jay-Z

Ain't that fancy.

I didn't even know he was in town.

Well, he's not.
He's actually in Philadelphia.

We're taking her dad's
private jet to get there.

Sometimes he lets me steer.

Yeah, well, it must be nice
having a rich girlfriend.

She's buying you stuff.

Maybe she can get you a decent haircut.

(chuckles)

Actually, Tavi likes my hair.

And who the hell are you?

Oh, I think you know.

(chuckles)

It's me, Fawz!

From the donut shop!

Oh, what the hell?
Is it Iraqi Halloween?

It looks great,
but you're still not getting

through airport security.

No. It has come to my attention

that one of the workers
at my sandwich shop

has been stealing.

So I'm going to pose as a worker

to find the culprit and
have them eliminated.

You mean fired.

Sure, let's go with that.

I cannot have a thief
working at Rub-A-Dub Sub.

By the way,
that's a terrible name for a sub shop.

What? It's named
after the original owner,

Raheem Rubadub.

So, how much money have they taken?

So far, it's just cheese.

But it's still stealing.

And if we don't have trust and honesty,
we have nothing.

Okay, I'm off to go trick
those stupid bastards.

This is gonna be fun.

It's fun f*ring someone
who's making minimum wage?

Oh, Randy, you get me.

So...

private jet to Philadelphia...
can I date her?

Heh, heh.
Well, it does sound nice, right?

It's weird that Tavi does
all this fancy stuff for me,

but I kinda feel bad that I
can't do anything for her.

Well, did you tell her it bugs you?

Yeah, I tried,
but then she gave me this shirt,

- and it's so comfortable.
- (Sofia laughs)

Well, there's lots of stuff
you can do for her.

Just take her somewhere you can afford.

Ha! There's only
two places I can afford...

my apartment and this place.

And my apartment doesn't
have free donuts.

This place doesn't have free
donuts either, you know.

I don't know, what if she don't want

to hang out in my
crappy little apartment?

You won't know until you ask,

and if you don't ask,
it'll bother you more and more.

Hey, I really want
you and Tavi to make it.

Ooh. If you get her pregnant,
we can go to the All-Star Game.

♪ ♪

You get a ten-minute
break every two hours,

but if you want to step
outside and have a smoke,

I'll look the other way.

Uh, ha ha,
but I'm getting paid for that time.

Isn't that stealing from the
sexy and benevolent owner?

Don't worry about him, I'm the boss.

That's right, you are the boss,

and I am the employee,
and my name is Brian.

(chuckles)

Hello. I'm in the mood for a sandwich,

Brian.

Of course.

(quietly): What are you doing here?

I wanted to see if you needed any help.

Maybe get a free sub.

Also, Arthur asked me
to steal some napkins.

What kind of bread would you like, sir?

Uh, top part pumpernickel, toasted,

bottom part white, room temp.

Certainly, sir, I will get that

with absolutely no
resentment whatsoever.

- So, any leads in the case of the missing cheese?
- Not yet.

But I'm gonna find the
culprit by the end of the day.

Why are you in such a hurry?

Because I rented the wig.

Hey, new guy,
you want to grab a beer after work

and watch the game?

Oh, you mean like a friend?

Yeah.

No.

Let me ask you.

Do you know who's taking the cheese?

You're not gonna get any information
out of anybody if you act like that.

You've got to build up the relationship.

Act friendly. Ask about their lives.

Back off, Tush, I got this.

Everything okay?

Everything's dandy, ma'am.

I'd love some condiments.

How about some mayo?

A little more.

Little more.

Teeny bit more.

Ah! That's too much.

All right, so let me give
you a tour of the apartment

That's my media room,
dining room, my kitchen.

Weird-ass roommate.

Hello, I'm Zale.

- Hey, I'm Tavi.
- No.

Eh, wish I could.

She's just not getting it.

Yeah, um...

He's kind of a germophobe.

- And you said you wouldn't be here.
- Don't worry,

I'm leaving soon. Just as soon

as I sterilize my tongue scraper.

I'm sorry about Zale, man.
He-He kind of a strange person,

you know, but at least he don't watch me

when I sleep anymore.

How do you know?

Damn, baby,
why you gotta ask questions like that?

- Now I'm scared.
- (laughs)

- This has been a fun night, Franco.
- See?

Told you we didn't gotta spend
no money to have a good time.

Yeah, the music was great,
the food was delicious.

Did you ever catch the name
of the bride and groom?

Nah, but that ain't stop me
from making a damn good toast.

I'm glad you had a good time.

Yeah. I gotta remember to thank Sofia.

- Sofia?
- Mm-hmm.

I was telling her I kinda felt

a little insecure about how unbalanced

our relationship was,

and she suggested I do this.

Really?

Did it ever occur to you
to talk to me about that?

It's occurring to me now.

So, you talked to Sofia about us?

No, not just us.
We talk about everything.

Aw, damn, that didn't help, did it?

You want to tell me
what's going on here?

Yes! Yeah, yeah, I'll tell you.

You like honesty... I'm gonna be honest.

Okay, so, yeah, we talk.

We text. She gives me advice.

Sometimes we go to movies
you don't want to see.

And, uh, on Wednesday night
it's ramen night.

Oh.

I-Is this you appreciating my honesty?

Look, I'm not gonna
keep investing in this

unless you're all in.

When you figure it out, give me a call.

(door shuts)

I couldn't help but overhear.

If you want someone to talk
to about your relationship,

I'd prefer it not be me.

ARTHUR: Hey, there he is!

How was your big night with Tavi?

Not great, so don't get your
heart set on those Cubs tickets.

ARTHUR: Why?

Is it something in the bedroom?

'Cause I can help you with that.

No. Tavi's pissed because
she thinks I'm spending

too much time with Sofia.

You know, I can see
where Tavi's coming from.

If I was into some guy,
I wouldn't be thrilled

if he was hanging out with
somebody he'd slept with.

Yeah. That's why me and
this one never did the deed.

We don't want to lose
that great friendship.

Yeah... That's why, Tush.

I just don't get why she
suddenly has a problem

with all this, man.

She knows me and Sofia broke up.

Well, technically, you didn't break up.

You wanted more, and Sofia said no.

She was busy...

I know what she said!

If you want to get technical,
she didn't say no.

She said not now.

Well,
if you're still hanging on to this,

Tavi might have a point.

Yeah, if you have
any feelings for Sofia,

you better nip it in the bud.

ARTHUR: I got your back, kid.

Sofia is banned from the shop.

I'm gonna put up a sign that says,

"You must be this tall for donuts."

No, she works right outside.
I see her all the time.

And when Sweatpants ain't here,

she's the only one within
years of my age.

Ah-heh-hem! Ahem.

Twenty-five.

Fine. All right, when you see her,
just keep it light and polite.

All right? Stick to sports,
weather and Gremlins.

Gremlins? The movie?

There's a movie?

Look, in this situation,

it doesn't matter what you think.

It's what Tavi thinks.

ARTHUR: Yeah, you listen to Randy,
kid, because I really like that Tavi.

And I hope you patch things up.

And I'm not just saying that
because of the luxury box.

But if she happens to bring it up,

can you ask her if parking is included?

Oh, a-and food.

Hey, you know what?

You got a lot on your mind.

Just the parking?

Tush.

- Yes.
- You were right

about those dummies at the sub shop.

I can't get anybody to talk to me.

Can you give me a couple pointers?

Yes. It's really simple.

When people talk to you,
you have to be interested.

Got it. Pretend to be interested.

No.

You really have to care.

Right.

Pretend to care.

Okay. No. Look,

learning how to connect
with people takes practice.

Why don't you go ask Randy
about her daughter in college?

I don't want to interrupt.

I'm sure she'll be fine.

I meant my day.

Go. Just... go.

(grunts)

Hello, Randy.

How's your daughter?

You really want to know?

Okay.

Uh, she started her sophomore year.

She just declared her major.

TUSH: Fawz,

do you have a follow-up question?

Yes.

Are you almost done?

You know, it's a wonder

that no one has ever
done this to you yet.

You know, I lived through three wars.

This just reminds me of my childhood.

- Fawz!
- What?

It's your fault for picking a woman.

You know I never listen to them.

We'll try again.
If you can get through this,

you can get through anything.

Arthur? Will you tell Fawz

about that time that you switched

from manila envelopes
to plain white ones?

It was .

Ike was in the White House,

World w*r II was in the rearview mirror,

and manila was all the rage.

Oh, dear God.

And I'm looking forward to a
world where we don't see color.

We don't see white,
and we don't see manila,

we just see envelopes.

Did you ever use those envelopes
with the little windows?

I'm a rebel, not a madman.

Hey, Franco.

I've been dying to know.

How'd it go with Tavi last night?

Uh, fine.

Uh, the usual?

Well, come on, I want details.

If my advice worked,
you're paying for ramen tonight.

Yeah, uh, ramen. Right.

Uh, so, look, uh, I don't think
I'll be able to make it tonight.

- Oh, why not?
- I'm free, Sofia.

And I'm all about that ramen.

But I got to warn you: I'm a slurper.

Franco, is something wrong?

Uh, look, I just don't think, uh,

we should be talking about my
relationship with Tavi anymore.

Why not?

'Cause we got in a huge fight.

All right? And she thinks I
still got feelings for you.

SWEATPANTS: Doesn't have to be ramen.

You know?

Um, a tomato, a chowder...

(gasps) A hearty alphabet.

What did you tell her?

I told her she was wrong.

But I-I still need to
prove there's nothing

going on between you and me.

I love wonton.

I could eat one ton of wonton.

(laughs)

So are you just canceling ramen night,
or our whole friendship?

Look, I don't even know
if she'll take me back.

I-I just... (sighs)

I just need some time to
figure everything out.

Okay, why don't I make it
real easy for you?

You don't have to worry
about seeing me at all.

Sofia!

Ooh. That was rough, man.

But hey, I know what might pick you up.

Don't you dare say any kind of soup.

No. I was gonna say "grab a drink."

I know a soup place with a great bar.

Hey, Fawz, how'd it go?
Did you make friends

with the people at the sub shop?

You know what? Because of you, I did.

I smiled, I asked questions,
and I learned so much.

Suzy loves knitting,

and Bobby sometimes
passes out when he drives.

Well, I don't mean to brag,
but it looks like someone

taught you the true value of friendship.

You certainly did, Tush.

You stupid, stupid idiot!

What are you hitting me for?

It worked, you made friends.

Exactly.

I can't fire my friends.

How am I gonna run a business
if I can't fire people?

That's the fun part!

Well, did you at least find out
who was stealing the cheese?

I don't have time.

Thanks to Tush, I'm playing racquetball

with Bobby on Thursdays,

and Suzy's twins are turning seven...

I have to go to the party.

No one is making you be Brian.

Well, if I'm not Brian,
then who's gonna pick up

the cake for the twins?

(quietly): Hey. Is Franco here?

No, it's just us.

Oh, good. Because I've been
dying for my morning coffee.

To go.

Because you're not supposed to
be hanging around here, right?

Oh, Franco's just overreacting.

Is he?

Why do you come here all the time?

Boy, I'm really feeling the love today.

I'm just saying, there...

there's a million
donut shops in Chicago.

Ones that are cheaper,
ones that are cleaner.

Ones that are way cleaner.

Where am I supposed to go?

I park my truck right out front.

And that's the only curb in Chicago?

What's your point?

I think you have feelings for Franco.

If I'm wrong, you should stay away

and stop making his
life more complicated.

But if I'm right, you should tell him.

But what about Tavi?

It seems like they're
on the outs right now.

This is your time.

Life is short.

- Just ask Greg Belle of Mundelein.
- (gasps) Oh, dear Lord.

And your window is closing.

Don't be like Esther Buchanan.

She was cut in half by a closing window.

ARTHUR: You know, I-I think

I might be risking Cubs tickets,
but, uh,

Randy is right, Sof.

I guess I'm gonna go
tell Franco how I feel.

Well, I think I'm gonna run out,

grab a new driver's license photo.

Wait, wait, wait.

Isn't that Fawz's wig?

What wig?

(knocking at door)

Hey. Thanks for coming.

It was on my way back from class.

Those flowers for me?

Yep.

Well, in the spirit of honesty,

they're from the retirement
home Sweatpants works at.

They're, uh,
get-well flowers for Ms. Bernstein.

Did she get well?

More in the spirit of honesty: no.

What do you want?

Can you take a seat?

Thank you.

You were right.

I shouldn't have been talking
to Sofia about our relationship.

But that won't happen ever again,
I promise.

How's that gonna work?

You see her every day.

Right, I do.

But if she comes in the shop,
u-uh, for a donut,

or a cup of coffee, I'll just say hello.

And that's it. Nothing more.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I'm all about you and me now.

Which is why I want to
take you away this weekend.

I booked us a little trip
to Lake Geneva. My treat.

I found a little awesome
condo facing the lake.

You know?
All we got to do is sit through

a four-hour timeshare presentation.

A-And then, the weekend

is just you and me,
just you and me, all right?

A-And then, another two-hour
presentation during brunch.

But only if we want to use the pool.

Franco, that sounds awful.

Really?

Which is great, because there's
no way that was Sofia's idea.

Nah. Nope, it's mine, it's my idea,

yeah, this trip was all me.

It's all me, every terrible detail.

So what do you say?

I'd love to go.

(exhales) Mwah.

This is dope.

All right, cool, so we should leave now.

Uh, we got to take an "L" to a bus

to another bus to get there.

Or, we could take my dad's plane.

I could go pack, send a car to get you

and meet you at the airport.

If you're okay with me
paying for part of it.

Yeah, that's cool,

but that's just transportation.

I-I'm taking care of the condo,
the food,

and the massages we
get if we just decide

to pose for one of their
photos in the brochure.

They don't get a lot
of black people there.

Zale.

What are you doing?

. % of door buzzers

have traces of staphylococcal bacteria.

Well, you're showing those
germs who's boss, huh?

(laughs)

Is this exchange over?

I hope so.

Hi, Zale.

- Sofia?
- Hey.

Yes, this exchange is over.

What are you doing here?

I thought you said that we...

I know, uh...

But just hear me out.

Life is short, and there's
something I need to tell you.

Oh, my ride's here.

Yo, what up, Tony?

Oh, your ride. Where are you going?

I'm taking Tavi away
for the weekend. Or...

Tavi's dad's driver is taking
me to Tavi's dad's plane

to take Tavi away for the weekend.

It's the least I could do.

Cool, so you guys patched things up.

Yeah, pretty much.

Well, that's great.

- Cool.
- All right, I'll see you.

Okay.

Oh. What did you want to tell me?

That I'm gonna give you and
Tavi all the space you need.

And she's awesome, and I really
hope it works out for you guys.

Cool.

- Thank you, Sofia.
- Yeah.

All right. What's up, Tony?

It's stinky in here, Tony.

What, you smoking weed or something?

Oh, you're still here.

Oh, don't worry, I'm leaving.

You can go back to cleaning.

Oh, no, I'm meeting a friend for dinner.