02x17 - Balls and Streaks

[bunniefuu]

Yeah! Right! (laughs)

Hey, everyone, donuts on the house,
I got great news.

Helen Mirren finally wrote you back?

Danny Malone is quarantined in
Ireland with hoof and mouth disease.

- Hey, hey!
- Yes!

Why are we celebrating
a guy getting sick?

Free donuts.

Don't ask questions.

Danny Malone has been to
every Cubs Opening Day game

for the last years,

and they always do something
about him on the news.

Well, now his streak is over,

and I'm the one with the
longest active streak.

I'm gonna be on television.

- Been waiting for this my whole life.
- FRANCO: Well, to be fair,

for a big chunk of that,
there was no television.

My whole life,
I've always been kind of anonymous,

you know, I never won anything,

I've never been in the spotlight.

It'd be nice to have a little hoopla.

RANDY: You know, Arthur,
I might see you at Wrigley.

I'm gonna be out there
busting ticket scalpers.

They're putting me up
with another detective.

I'm gonna meet him here tomorrow.

So it's like a blind date, but you know

there's going to be handcuffs.

(Randy chuckles)

Clean it up, Tart 'n' Tiny.

Dirty talk's not a good look on you.

Oh, that's exciting,
your first time undercover.

Uh, I don't know.

You know,
I-I talked to the guy on the phone.

He seemed a little intense.

Plus, you know,
I like working on my own.

Just me and whatever drunk guy

I'm slamming up against the windshield.

Hey, I could invite
my cousin Marcus, man.

He's back in town and he's a big fan.

Good luck getting tickets.

I looked online,
and they were bucks.

That's funny, 'cause, uh,
my credit card company called me

about an attempted charge for bucks.

(tongue clicks)

That's a coinkydink...
Oh, I got to go feed my meter.

Yeah.

He ain't got a car.

Unless he used your
credit card to buy one.

(laughs) See? Much better.

We don't need that filth.

Oh, that reminds me,
I got to call my buddy Vern,

find out if I can use his
Cubs tickets on Opening Day.

That's cool Arthur's gonna
be on the Chicago news, man.

It's gonna be m*rder,
governor indicted, another m*rder,

and then him.

Carol? Arthur Przybyszewski.

Uh, I'm calling for Vern.

What? No... oh, my God.

What happened?

Vern d*ed on Friday.

I'm sorry, man.

My condolences, Carol.

Vern was a very good man

with very good seats in the shade.

I'll just respect Vern's
wishes and swing by

and pick up those tickets, huh?

Wait, he's being buried with them?

Will the wake be open casket?

Carol?

(groans)

Just lost my tickets.

And that woman just lost her husband.

Well, she can get remarried.

There's only one Opening Day.

Well, maybe Vern's widow'll
give you those tickets

if you kick some dust off her mound.

You see, Sofia,
since we're talking baseball,

I used the word "mound"
to describe her lady parts.

Leave the dirty talk to the master.

♪ ♪

Sweatpants, that ticket site
you told me about stinks.

Why do they make you order your food
before they give you your seats?

I said StubHub.

You're on Grubhub.

Look, here they are: Cubs tickets.

Oh, come on, I can't afford that.

Well, maybe we can all
pitch in and help you out.

Yeah, you got to keep the streak alive.

Okay, great.

Uh, I need , bucks.

- Oh, uh...
- Oh, whoa.

- Yeah, I wasn't participating.
- I'm sorry.

TUSH: I have a Cubs connection.

Anthony Rizzo and I
have the same facialist.

She's the only one I've met
that knows where my face stops

and the top of my head begins.

It's about right...

right there.

FRANCO: Hey, everybody,

- meet my cousin Marcus.
- Hey-hey.

Yeah, we, uh, we grew up together.

We used to reenact all the
dance scenes from House Party.

I was Kid and he was Play.

Should we show 'em?

Nah, put your leg down.

So he's back in town,
and he's staying with me

for a couple weeks.

- Where'd you move from?
- Oh, uh,

- downstate.
- TUSH: Whereabouts?

Pontiac.

Oh, yeah, where the prison is.

How long did you live there?

Well, it was supposed to be five years,

but I got out after three.

Marcus spent some time in prison,
but he paid his dues,

- and now I'm helping him look for a job.
- TUSH: Marcus,

I happen to be kind of an
expert in the gig economy.

I would love to spend the
afternoon sharing my wisdom.

You're not gonna need a whole afternoon.

FRANCO: Actually,
I was thinking, Arthur,

you might have something.

- Huh? Me?
- Yeah.

You were talking about
doing that delivery service.

I mean, Marcus
would be perfect for it, man.

- He's a great driver.
- Is he?

Yeah, well-well, uh,
let me think about it.

MARCUS: Cool.

I'll leave my résumé.
It's nice to meet y'all.

All right, be good.

Bye, now.

Well, I thought about it, and, uh, no.

'Cause he went to prison?

Yo, he made one stupid mistake.

You know, he was hanging
with the wrong people,

and next thing you know,
they're robbing a bank,

and he's driving the getaway car.

Well, he wasn't very good at it,
since he didn't get away.

He's actually a great driver.

And he can handle a truck, no problem.

Even if people are sh**ting at him.

Well, this is Chicago, so they will be.

Come on, man, you gave me a chance.

Well, my heart's big enough
for a misdemeanor,

but not a felony.

SOFIA: Arthur,

Marcus did his time.

He deserves a clean slate.

Oh, cry me a river.

Which he should be sent up. The.

What? English is my second language.

No, listen, uh, listen,
I-I'm sorry, kid, he's a felon.

The fact is, once a criminal,
always a criminal.

I hear you.
Sometimes I feel like I'm just arresting

the same person over and over again.

So you don't believe that
people can be rehabilitated?

No, I do.

But the odds are against them.

% of them end up back in jail.

And when they get out,
nobody trusts them.

So they fall back into the same
cycle that landed them in jail

in the first place.

Wow, Tush,
you really care a lot about this.

Well, I went through it with my brother.

- You have a brother in jail?
- Yeah.

He did dr*gs, dealt dr*gs,
smuggled dr*gs.

He just can't seem to
get his life together.

Well, I'm not an expert,
but it might have something to do

with all the dr*gs.

But that's why we got
to help Marcus, man.

I don't want him going back to prison.

Yeah, well, that's great,
but I don't want any part of that.

Really? You ain't gonna help him?

This ain't just some dude,
man, it's-it's family.

And he's a good guy.

Look, I-I'm not gonna risk
my business for some ex-con.

Whatever, man.

Yo. Check this out:

front row seats for bucks each.

Really? That cheap for Opening Day?

No, these are for the musical Pippen.

About Scottie Pippen,

starring Tyler Perry.

Since this is your first time
undercover, I figured

we'd discuss our characters
and get our stories straight.

Uh, is that really necessary?

Yeah. If those scalpers
get one whiff we're cops,

they're running.

So, who do you want to be?

How about, uh,
Lady Who Wants to Buy Cub Tickets?

Where is this lady from?

Is her name Rebecca?

Does she do yoga?

Fine. Fine.

Uh, my name is Linda.

Linda what?

Linda Oh-bite-me. I'm Irish.

Look, Detective Whitley,
I think I can handle this.

I've been a cop for years.

But you just became a detective,

so maybe you need to follow my lead?

Okay.

The Cubs are playing the Pirates.

We'll be Roy and Gingie
Mendler from Pittsburgh.

Roy's an EMT,
but he also did two tours in Iraq.

Oh, yeah? Where in Iraq?

First tour, Fallujah,
second tour, Basra.

(groans)

Wait a second. Roy Mendler,

- and you were in Basra?
- Mm-hmm.

I think we met.

(chuckles)

Um...

Roy's not real, Fawz.

Or am I?

Ha. Classic Roy.

Okay.

Let's go down to the precinct.

We need to go over our wardrobe,
our hairstyles,

and figure out our relationship history.

How long have we been married?

Too long.

Yo, what up, cousin?

Just hanging, my brother.

I was talking to my actual cousin,
Marcus.

Oh.

You find a job yet?

Nope. Every application I fill out,

they ask me if I committed a felony,

and when I say yes,
suddenly I'm not qualified.

Which is just plain discrimination.

I've had plenty of jobs
I wasn't qualified for.

Did you know I was once an
optometrist for two weeks?

And follow.

Man, stop.

Look, hey, don't worry about it,
man, we're gonna find you something.

Oh, Marcus does have some good news.

Oh, yeah, Arthur,

you were looking for tickets
to the Cubs game, right?

I got two.

For Opening Day?

Well, how'd you get 'em?

Oh, one of my homies hooked me up.

Wow, thank you.

What do I owe you?

- Oh, they're on me. Just enjoy the game.
- Wow.

Wow. That is way too generous.

Yeah, it really, really is.

Uh-huh.

Oh, yeah, you know what? You know what?

You're welcome to all
the donuts you can eat.

(chuckles)

Uh, uh, limit two.

Well, maybe there's
another way you can repay

this trustworthy, upstanding citizen.

Oh, u-uh, yeah.

I-I'm looking for a delivery guy.

I-It's not full-time,

but it'll put a little
change in your pocket.

Seriously?

That would be great.

Yeah. Why don't you swing by tomorrow,

and we'll get you started.

- Cool. Later, Tush.
- A'ight.

BOTH: Ain't gonna hurt nobody.

Oh, damn.

Whoa, these are great seats.

Must've cost a fortune.

Of course.
Why bother stealing cheap ones?

You don't think they're stolen, do you?

No, of course not!

I'm going to Opening Day!

See? And it's all working out, you know?

Help out my cousin,
he gives you some free baseball tickets,

you take me as your guest,

maybe buy me some nachos,
maybe a jersey...

All right, all right,
all right, you can go.

- You can go.
- Thank you.

Who's gonna mind the shop?

I'm free. I can do it.

All right.
It's only for a few hours, anyway.

Yes!

We 'bout to turn up!

(laughs)

(imitates air horn sound)

(laughs)

Okay, okay, I'm-a put the DJ over here,

and the pick-your-own-toppings
bar over here.

You will sell donuts,
you will say nothing.

Right. Flew too close to the sun.

(imitates air horn sadly)

♪ ♪

Go, Pirates!

I'm a traitor.

Whoo-hoo!

I hate myself.

What are you doing?
We need to stay in character.

I told you that we
don't need that stuff.

Let's just wing it.

This guy looks suspicious.

Hey.

So, you sellin'?

Yeah, yeah, I'm selling...

Officers.

What are you talking about?

My husband and I just
want to buy some tickets.

Yeah.
My wife Gingie and me... I'm Roy...

We're the Mendlers.

We just drove in from Pittsburgh.

Actually, Beaver Falls.

It's a small town outside of the city.

Okay.

Uh, so, about those tickets...

We moved there for the schools.

Roy Jr., he has a lazy eye,

and they have a great program for that.

And that's why we love the Pirates...
the eye patch.

Yeah. Our son has a lot of problems.

Just like his dad.

Every Cubs fan loves Opening Day,

but not as much as Arthur Przybyszewski.

Yeah, he gave me the day off.
Shout to my boy Sweatpants.

- Blip-blip!
- H-Hey.

Arthur here has the longest
active attendance streak

- for the Cubs home opener.
- Yep, yep.

Replacing Danny Malone,
to whom I'd like to say:

Get well soon, and suck it.

Wow. What an amazing accomplishment.

Yeah. And when I'm done here,

I'm gonna celebrate at Superior Donuts,

located at Argyle and Kenmore,

the official donut of
Major League Baseball.

I'm a hundred percent
sure you can't say that.

And little Judy, she's allergic to milk,

so I have to buy this soy substitute

that they sell at a market downtown.

Why is he telling me all this?

I'll tell you why.

Because he's a detail-obsessed weirdo

that doesn't trust me
to speak for myself.

At least I'm not a know-it-all
who won't listen to anyone.

How can I not listen? You talk nonstop!

You are so critical.

Oh, for God's sake, would you shut up?

You're giving me a migraine!

Okay, okay. I'm convinced.

You're married.

You fight worse than my parents.

And they sh*t each other.

They're still together.

You know, they're Catholic.
years. God bless.

Okay, so, I got bleacher seats,
$ here.

- Okay, you're under arrest.
- Aw, crap.

Man...

at first I thought you were
just crazy and annoying,

but that actually worked.

I'm not crazy.

The truth is,
Fallujah really did a number on me.

Oh, my God.

You actually served in Iraq?

Nope, I'm just that good.

Well, it looks like it's game time.

Let's watch as Arthur Przybyszewski

walks into the record books.

So, uh, Marcus really came through, huh?

I am so excited.

I'm telling you right now,
if you and me get on Kiss Cam,

it's happening.

(metal detector buzzes)

- Ooh.
- It's okay, sir.

- And congratulations.
- Ooh. Thanks.

- Random check.
- Ah, damn it.

(quiet ringing)

What's wrong?

This ticket's no good.

No. Try it again.

(quiet ring)

Hey, I got it. Here, try mine.

(quiet ring)

Sorry, can't let you in.
These aren't working.

You know why it's not working?
Because your cousin

- gave us stolen tickets.
- Why would he do that?

'Cause he's a crook.

- Step aside.
- Huh?

- You're holding up the line.
- Don't worry about it.

We're getting out of your way,
all right?

Oh, look... Helen Mirren! Hey! Come on.

All right, all right, I'm going.

ELAINE: Well, I'm not sure

what just happened, but it looks like

this super fan's streak is over.

Superior Donuts...
the best damn donuts...

(pained grunting)

...in Chicago.

Interesting.

I've never seen the shop
from this perspective before.

Like, as an entrepreneur
who turned their passion

into a successful business?

No. I've never stood in
this actual spot before.

You think too much.

Guess who set a new record today.

We busted scalpers.

Uh, I think they prefer the term
"Native Americans."

Well, Mrs. Mendler, I got to run.

Thanks for the ride, Mr. Mendler.

Hey, great job
on your first day undercover.

Well, I had a really good teacher.

Your attention to detail was amazing.

Like when you threatened to divorce me

because of the way I eat soup.

Where did that come from?

My wife divorced me because
of the way I eat soup.

You know, I got divorced
because of soup, too.

I threw a can at his head. (laughs)

Hey, um, you want
to have dinner sometime?

Yeah. Sure.

But maybe we should avoid any food
that you threw at your husband.

FAWZ: There he is!

We saw you on TV and on the Internet.

World'sOldestCriminals.com.

Arthur, are you okay?

(groans): Yeah, I just pulled a muscle.

No, I mean emotionally...
because that was so humiliating.

I mean...

That was a real disaster.

You brought a lot of joy
to a lot of people today.

(pats)

What happened?

I was embarrassed on TV
because his criminal cousin

- gave me counterfeit tickets.
- L-Let's just figure out

what happened before we go blaming him.

I'm not blaming him... I'm blaming you!

You told me I should trust him, huh?

- (scoffs) I'm never gonna trust you anymore.
- Yo, you only listened to me

when there were free
tickets in your hand.

I don't know why you Americans
are so obsessed with baseball.

You know,
my cousin took me out to the ball game.

Bought me some peanuts
and cr*cker Jacks.

I don't care if I ever go back.

At least you learned the song.

What song?

Hey, guys.
Just picking up that order for Loyola.

Yeah, well, don't bother. You're fired.

- What?
- Ho-Hold on, man.

Yo, he's pissed, 'cause the tickets
you gave him ended up being fake.

- Really?
- ARTHUR: Yeah.

It cost me my streak,
and I almost got arrested.

No, wait. Stop.

Yo, where'd you get the tickets?

- From a friend.
- Who?

Just a guy that's looking out for me.

Yeah?

Same guys that got you locked up?

- It's not like that.
- What's it like?

'Cause it look like you're going down
the same road that got you sent away, man.

Now, tell me who the friend was.

- I shouldn't have to.
- All right.

You know, I want to have your back,
but you ain't making it easy, dude.

- Can I fire him now?
- Shut up!

What's going on?

Why aren't you guys at the game?

Marcus gave me phony tickets.

What?

Oh, God, I feel terrible.

- Why?
- 'Cause I'm the one that gave him the tickets.

Wait, you're the friend?
Why would you set him up like that?

I was trying to help him score points
with Arthur so he'd give him the job.

So where did you get the tickets?

From Anthony Rizzo's facialist.

But now that I think of it,

why would Anthony Rizzo get
facials at an abandoned RadioShack?

Marcus, why didn't you say
you got the tickets from Tush?

He was helping me... I didn't want
to throw him under the bus.

Well, that's great,
but I wish you would've said something.

Would it have mattered?
You made your mind up about me

the second you heard I had a record.

He's right. You did.

You're no better...
you were about to bail on me, too.

(chuckles): You're right, I did, yeah.

I'm sorry, cuz. I apologize, man.

These anxious white people
just got in my head, so...

You say you get what I'm up against,

but I need at least
one person in my corner

that's gonna believe me no matter what.

Yeah, that's me. I'm that guy, man.

And I'm sorry I gave you
any reason to doubt that.

Yeah, I-I'm sorry, too.
And you can forget

about what I said about being fired.
I mean,

if you're still interested,
I would love it

- if you wanted to work here again.
- Yeah, kid,

- Arthur and I could really use the help around here.
- Oh, shut up!

Arthur, I'm sorry
I screwed up your streak.

Yeah, it's too bad, 'cause now I
got all these real tickets here.

- But the game's almost over.
- Maybe not.

Addison Russell just tied it up.

Grand slam! Extra innings, baby!

- Arthur, take those.
- But how am I gonna

get to Wrigley on time? I mean,

it's gonna take at least
minutes in traffic.

I can get you there in five.

Yeah. Hey, look, hey,
four if somebody's sh**ting at him.

You've got yourself a delivery.
Come on, we got to hurry.

- Let's go!
- FAWZ: Enjoy the game!

♪ ♪

SOFIA: So, Randy,

how was your dinner with Justin?

Well, we kind of kept that
whole marriage thing going.

We ordered in take-out,
'cause I didn't feel like cooking.

Then we put on Netflix. I fell asleep.

So we didn't have sex.

I think he might be the one.

Is that what marriage is like?

Oh, no, sweetie.

It's not nearly as fun as that.

(sighs): God, I miss it.

Oh, my God.

Someone call . Arthur's being robbed.

Addison Russell from the Cubs.

Hey. I'm looking for Arthur.

Yeah, uh, o-okay. Hold on.

Arthur, get your ass out here!

Yeah? Oh, my God!

Addison Russell!

Welcome to my humble shop. Oh...

I'm sorry, I don't know why I curtsied.

I saw you on the news,
and I felt bad for you.

Yeah, well,
it was embarrassing, you know?

At least I kept my streak alive.

That's why I brought you this bat...
to say thank you

- for being a fan for all these years.
- Oh, wow!

Is this the one you hit
the grand slam with?

No. That's actually worth something.

That's Rizzo's.

Wow, it's amazing!
Addison Russell's in my shop!

I'm gonna go get a Polaroid.

Oh, and put on my lucky jersey.

And get a ball for you to sign.

So you wait right here.

You can have as many donuts as you like.

Uh, limit two.

- I'm gonna go.
- That's a good idea.