03x03 - Grandma Francis

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Carmichael Show". Aired: August 2015 to August 2017.*
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"The Carmichael Show" follows the life of stand up comedian Jerrod Carmichael as he navigates through life with his therapist in-training girlfriend and his heavily opinionated family.
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03x03 - Grandma Francis

Post by bunniefuu »

The Carmichael Show is taped in
front of a live studio audience.

You know, being back
here at my mom's house

brings back a lot of memories.

Most of 'em bad.

But good ones, too.

Like here, I called
this my happy chair.

This the one place in the house

my dad never b*at me.

Mm, it is comfy.

You know, I can see why Mom

never wants to come down
to South Carolina with us.

You know there's not a single
picture of her in this house.

Well, I'm sure there's
a picture of your mama

up in here somewhere.

Dad, Grandma has a picture

of you alone on your wedding day.

Well, see, that's because
your mama and your grandmother

always had a very tense relationship.

Yeah, Daddy, why they never got along?

Well, your grandmother always wanted me

to marry a lighter skinned woman.

She tried to like your mama,
but she always thought

she was just a little too dark.

Dad, that's crazy.
I'm sure Grandma doesn't care

what color skin Mom has.

Yes, she does.

See, your grandma came through
a very turbulent time

in history and to her,
lighter skin meant less pain,

less suffering.

She always thought if
I could marry lighter,

that you boys would have a easier time

to make it in the world.

You see, kids, sometimes racism
stems from a place of love.

You know something, Daddy,
I've always said this to myself:

I was just three shades away
from greatness.

There she is.

Aw, look at my boys.

It's like three Snicker
bars came to life.

Was that a comment
about our complexion?

Absolutely.

Okay, gather around.

I got some important news
I need to share with you.

Joe, you might want
to sit down for this.

Mom, what is it? Is everything okay?

Honey, sit down.

(Joe sighs)

Okay, there's no easy way to say this,

so I'm just gonna come
out and tell you.

I've been diagnosed with Alzheimer's.

Wait. That's your news?

Well, I'm sorry to have to
break it to you this way.

Uh, Mom, we've known
about this for six months.

Wait, you mean I told you this already?

Yes.

For real?

This news is even sadder
the second time around.

Grandma, how have you been feeling?

Well, it's been a struggle,

but I'm feeling better
now that I've decided

to take matters into my own hands

and end my life myself.

- Mom.
- Oh, I'm sorry,

have I... did I tell you
that news already, too?

(sighs) No, you didn't
tell us that news.

Good, then that's the news
I wanted to tell you.



Mom, saying you're gonna
end your own life is crazy.

Maybe you're having a bad day.

I-I-I know Alzheimer's is-is hard,

but-but have you been
getting out the house enough?

I mean, have you been
seeing your friends?

Maybe we need to spruce this
place up, get you some plants

or-or a dog.

Dad, I don't... I don't think a dog's

a great idea,
considering her condition.

You know, you got to...

take it out, feed it,

remember that you have it.

Joe, I'm confused all the time
and I'm scared,

scared of what's coming.

I'm losing who I am.

But, Ma, you used to be so active.

You had all those hobbies.

Oh, I didn't like that stuff,

I just wanted to get out the house

to keep your father from b*ating me.

Trust me,

every woman in a pottery class
is crying out for help.

Mom, maybe you could move up
to North Carolina with us.

We'll take care of you,
make you feel comfortable,

cook for you, help you get
to your-your appointments.

Joe, I got to make this
decision while I still can.

The other day, I was staring at a
photo of me hugging some woman

I didn't even recognize.

I had to read the inscription
on the back to find out that

that woman was my best
friend for years.

Grandma, that's the
saddest thing I ever heard.

Oh, don't feel sad for me.
I had a good life.

Especially growing up
a poor black woman

who lived through Jim Crow.

I mean, just not being
r*ped or k*lled by the Klan,

I'd say I did all right for myself.

That's the saddest thing I ever heard.

But I need you, Grandma.
And I love you.

Look, you always been there for me.

You know, and you give me
money at all my birthdays.

I know this is kind
of embarrassing to admit,

but... you don't know how many times

that $ saved my ass.

Mom, I'm calling your doctor
first thing in the morning

and I'm getting him to up your meds.

All that medication does
is make me more confused

- and sick to my stomach.
- But, Ma,

you can still live another
five or ten years with this.

I'm making a choice, Joe:

to go out the way I
want to, with dignity.

Now, I've saved enough pain
medication to get the job done.

And I have everything I
need to do this tonight.

Tonight?

Tonight?

And you're just telling us this?

Well, I didn't want you to
have to carry it around

and I didn't want to worry you.

And I thought I had
told you this last week.

No, no, no.

This isn't happening at all,
let alone tonight.

Mom, you go to get this
nonsense out of your head.

Joe, I know it's hard, honey,

and I know it's a lot,

but I'm serious about ending my life

and I need your blessing.

- (timer dings)
- Uh-oh.

Snickerdoodles are ready.

Man...

if I'd have known Grandma
was gonna k*ll herself,

I would have wore a different outfit.

We got to get these
thoughts out of her head.

I don't know, Dad.

I mean, I don't want Grandma to
go through with this either,

but think about it like this:
Grandma wants to go out on top.

I mean, wouldn't you have rather
seen Michael Jordan retire

after hitting that three-pointer
against the Jazz in '

instead of seeing this
dude way past his prime

in a Wizards jersey?

Don't make Grandma
play for the Wizards.

Why did we let Mike do that to himself?

- Was our greed too much?
- Huh?

Did our eyes get bigger
and more lustful

than our stomachs can handle?

Did we?

Answer me, please.

I mean, maybe she's making
the right decision.

Look, she is an adult,
and we're gonna have to

just respect her
judgment on this, right?

Are you crazy?

This woman is suffering

from a brain disease.

She is the last person on Earth

whose judgment we
need to start trusting.

I don't even trust her
to use the oven right now.

(chuckles) I mean,

yeah, I'm not eating those cookies.

Look, she couldn't even
remember her best friend

she'd known for years.

So you mean to tell me she
gonna know the difference

between su1c1de pills and brown sugar?

Come on, y'all.

I don't know, I just
don't think it's right

to say that she's out of her mind.

She seems to know exactly
what she wants to do.

Well, this is easy for you to accept

because you only see an old lady.

But that's my mother.

Now, how would you feel if this
was happening to your mother?

Nah, we couldn't let her do that.

But, Dad...

if you ever wanted to k*ll yourself,

I would respect your decision.

We're talking about su1c1de.

You do realize how wrong that is

morally, legally...

it even says so in the Bible.

Daddy, that's not a fact.
I mean, you know,

the Bible got a lot of
hidden loopholes, you know?

You know, you just got
to skim through it,

and you got to accept
it like one of those

Apple user agreements.

I am sure glad your mama's not here

to see any of this.

It doesn't matter
if it's biblically wrong

or legally wrong, what matters is

what's best for Grandma,
let's not forget that.

So you're really gonna
be able to sleep at night

knowing you stood by and
watched someone that you love

take their own life?

Well, what's the other option?

Forcing her to live a
life against her will?

You're damn straight!
I've been doing that for years!

Dad, I get it.

I know this is hard.

I know it's really, really tough,

but a lot of families
have to go through

making a decision to pull the plug.

Yeah, but this is not
no pull-the-plug situation.

This is pulling the plug out the wall

and strangling her with the cord.

Okay, here they are, your favorites,

my snickerdoodle cookies.

Okay, let's start talking game plan

for how we gonna k*ll me.

Wait...

There is no game plan
because this isn't happening.

I'm in this all by myself?

No, Grandma, you're not. I'm with you.

Yeah, me, too.

I don't want to see you suffer.

Has this whole family
lost its damn mind?

Well, Jerrod, I guess you gonna
have to be my pillow man.

What's a pillow man?

Well, in case the pills
only do half the job,

I need somebody I trust
standing over me with a pillow,

ready to finish the deed.

That can't be a real thing, can it?

BOBBY: Well, Grandma,

you got a pillow preference? Um...

Do you want to do Bless This House

or Faith Love Hope? Which one?

Let's let the pillow man decide.

I'm not deciding which uplifting pillow

to k*ll my grandmother with.

But if you had to choose?

Faith Love Hope.

My man.

I can't believe I'm
saying this, Jerrod,

but I'm not gonna stand here
and let you k*ll my mama.

I know it's one of these. Ha!

I got the pills!

Ain't nobody dying on my watch.

What you think about that, you
two little black-ass Kevorkians?

Dad.

You got some nerve coming up in here

after you threatening to
k*ll my mama. m*rder*r!

Dad, stop yelling.

You're embarrassing us in
front of people at Wendy's,

which is really hard to do.

Why did you follow me?

I wanted to see if you were okay.

I guess I got so caught
up in how Grandma felt

I forgot to see how you felt.

You know, when I was a kid,

my daddy used to come home drunk,

ready to b*at the hell out of me,

and my mama would do whatever it took

to keep that from happening.

She saved my life.

My daddy was a big man.

But she'd put herself between
us and took that b*ating.

She rescued me when I was
at my most vulnerable.

And now that she's at
her most vulnerable,

all I want to do...

is save her, but she won't let me.

Dad, this...

this isn't a problem that
you can save her from.

Yes, I can, long as I got these pills.

Look, it doesn't matter
that you have the pills.


She's determined to do this, you know.

Sh-She'll just find another way.

She'll jump off a bridge

or walk in front of a
truck or sit in a car...

I got it. Okay.

You were right about something, okay?

I am a little removed.

It is harder to lose a mother
than it is a grandmother.

But maybe, maybe that's
what you need right now, Dad...

someone who can be a little objective.

All right? And what I see is a woman

who is determined to do
this with or without you.

I don't know if I can walk around

knowing I let my mama die like that.

(sighs)

But, Dad,

the only other option
that you have is knowing

that you're walking around without...

ever having the chance to say good-bye.

Man, that's some heavy
stuff right there.

(grunts)

(sighs) Took you long enough.

Look, do you know how
hard it is to entertain

a suicidal grandmother?

Especially on an empty stomach.

I'm sorry, Bobby. Next
time I'll try and get Dad

to accept his mom's death faster.

See that you do.

Hey. I knew you'd come back.

Sorry I left.

(sighs) But I was just
trying to protect you

the way you always protected me.

You are protecting me,

by letting me do this

and being here to hold my hand.

Well, I don't know if
I'm as strong as you are,

but I'll do my best.

I love you, baby.

And I'm so proud of the
man you've become.

Look how you raised your boys.

You're a so much better
father than the one you had.

Thank you, Mom.

Of course now, the bar
wasn't raised that high.

All you had to do was not
b*at your entire family.

So good job, son.

Now, baby, you don't have
to be here while I take these.

No, I want to be here.

(exhales)

All right, boys, come on in.

Hey, Grandma. How are you feeling?

Anything we can get you?

I'm okay, sweetheart.

Man.

This could very well be our
last moments with our grandma.

Bobby, these are definitely our
last moments with our grandma.

(exhales)

Look, Grandma, there's something
that I've been meaning

to get off my chest for,
like, years, and I just...

I guess I'll just tell you now.

When I was eight, I stole
ten dollars from your purse

to go to the ice cream truck.

I'm so sorry, Grandma.

Oh, that's all right, sweetie.

All you got to do is
give me my money back...

...and we'll be even-steven.

(laughs)

Oh.

Oh, oh, you're serious.

I mean, all I got is this .

Inflation.

Man, you'll get that back in a minute.

Grandma, there's... I don't know,

there's so much I want
to say to you right now,

I don't know where to begin,
I mean, last words are tough.

I really want to make sure I
say the right thing to you.

Now, baby, don't put too much on this.

We've had a lot of great
times over the years.

And there's nothing we need to say now

that we haven't said already.

We just want to make
this special for you.

Okay, I'll tell you what.

I didn't eat dinner,

and that Wendy's is
smelling pretty good.

So why don't you hand me a burger,

and we'll just let that be our
last great moment together?

Of course, Grandma, anything you want.

Oh, sh**t.

It got cheese on it.

That's okay.

You know, Mom, we could
always take the cheese off.

No, baby, you can still
taste the cheese.

Cheese is overpowering.

Eh, that's okay.

I'll just die hungry.

Look at my boys.

I love you,

little licorice sticks.

I mean, these candies just keep
getting darker and darker.

- We love you, Mom.
- Yeah.

I love you very much.

We love you, Grandma.

(sighs): Yeah, I love you, Grandma.

Is she gone?

Yeah, I think so.

(coughs) No, I'm still here.

Oh.

I thought I was going out,
but I guess not.

Well, well, can we get you anything?

Do me a favor.

Put on American Ninja Warrior.

I want to watch that as
the angels whisk me away.

I don't think that should
be your last show.

Y-You know, it should be
something more epic,

like, uh, Empire.

Have you watched Empire before?

No, I haven't seen it.

But I've been meaning
to check that out.

Put on the first episode.

Grandma...

I don't think this is the time

for you to be starting a new series.

I mean, they're in their third season,

and you're, you know...

k*lling yourself.

Well, Grandma, I got one more question,

since you're not dead yet.

Did you really wish
our mom was light-skinned?

Bobby, don't bring that up now.

I was just trying
to look out for y'all.

But don't worry, Bobby,
when we meet Jesus,

we're all one.

Jesus doesn't see color.

So what color do you think Jesus is?

Well, I don't really think he's white,

but I don't really think
he's black, either.

So you're saying Jesus look like Drake?

Yeah, yeah, that works.

I was thinking more
Derek Jeter, though.

No, see, you crazy, man.

I-I, Jesus is more, like,
handsome and angelic,

like... Jared Leto.

She's with Him now.

No matter what he look like.

Hmm.

(crying)

Dad. Dad, you know I can drive.

Shut up! I need to be in control.

Are you scared, Jerrod?

Hell yeah, I'm scared,
he's crying and driving.

Jerrod, turn on the radio.

I need to drown out my thoughts.

(sniffling)

♪ Because you know
I'm all about that bass... ♪

Oh, man.

Now, this is gonna be your
grandma's death song.

Every time I hear it,
I'm gonna think of her.

"All About That Bass"?

Your grandma was all about that bass.

About that bass.

No treble at all.

Dad, Dad, you're going
miles per hour.

Your grandma was .

I will now only drive

in the memory of your grandma.

This is for you, Mama!

(engine revs)
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