03x10 - Maxine's Sister

[bunniefuu]

The Carmichael Show
is recorded in front of

a live studio audience.

I'm just saying,
something has to be wrong

with Maxine's sister,

the way Maxine has kept her
away from us all this time.

You think she has any deformities?

What if she only has one hand?

Are we supposed to shake her nub?

Okay, relax, Ma.

I've met Casey before.
She doesn't have a nub.

If she had a nub, don't you think

I would have led with that?

Well...

something got to be wrong with her.

I hope she don't have
none of that Asperger's.

Lord knows,

I don't do well with people
with Asperger's.

See, I-I get scared

that I'm gonna say
one of their trigger words,

so I get real quiet;
I shut down emotionally.

I basically become a
person with Asperger's

around people with Asperger's.

God, I hope they can find a cure.

Okay, there's nothing
wrong with Maxine's sister.

You just haven't seen her
because she's been busy

at school, but she's a nice girl.

Like, I think you guys will like her.

She's like a... quieter Maxine.

Well, I like the idea
of a quieter Maxine.

Well, look, I-if there's
nothing wrong with her,

you'll set me up with her, right?

No.

You're selfish, Jerrod, you know that?

He was always a terrible sharer.

Wouldn't let your brother,
Bobby, touch your Hot Wheels!

Didn't want him touching
your Sega Dreamcast.

Well, Jerrod, it stops here.

You gonna let your brother have sex

with your girlfriend's sister.
That's final!

Hey, everyone.

So, this is my little sister, Casey.

I'm so excited for you to meet her.

Here she is.

Hey, Casey. Meet my family.

Nice to meet everyone. Hi.

Wow, what a relief.

A nice firm handshake.

And she is making eye contact.
That's a good sign.

- Come on.
- Don't worry.

Maxine already warned me that
you guys can be pretty direct.

Mm-hmm.

Better than our parents who
would get drunk and ignore us.

Anyway, can I use your bathroom?

- Uh...
- Well, first of all,

I got to know what you
gonna do in there.

We got a problem with the toilet.

Never mind, go ahead.
Go on, do your business.

Come on, Casey.

Hi.

(chuckles) Oh, my God.

What?

Look, either my eyes are deceiving me

or Maxine's sister is Caramel Diva

from the Blue Diamond Strip Club.

(scoffs) Excuse me, what?

Maxine, you brought a sex
worker into our home?

I didn't. My sister is not a stripper.

Yes, she is.
I'd know that face anywhere.

That is Caramel Diva
using our bathroom right now.

But, look, my bad.
If you trying to keep this

a family secret,
I won't say another word.

No, this is not some family secret.

And being a stripper is
nothing to be ashamed of.

I'm just saying that you
have my sister confused

with someone else.

Yeah, and, Bobby,
if you're at strip clubs

looking at the women's faces,
you're doing it wrong.

Well, look, when I was going
through my divorce,

one of my friends
took me to the strip club

to get over my depression.

And that woman in that bathroom,
Caramel Diva,

grinded on me for $ .

Okay? And it made me feel special.

That lap dance, (sighs)

it felt like my own private
Tony Robbins seminar.

It changed everything for me.

Well, I'm happy for you,
Bobby, but it wasn't her.

Well, there's only
one way to settle this.

Somebody go knock on that bathroom door

and ask her, does she take
her clothes off for money?

On it, Momma.

No! No.

No one is asking my sister
if she is a stripper.

Yeah, you can't just ask
somebody if they're a stripper.

That's rude.

That's right up there
with asking a burn victim,

"What the hell happened to your face?"

Now, the polite thing to do

is to look away and pretend
that they don't exist.

What?

(laughs) Come on, girl,
stop playing games.

I know who you are...

and you know who you are.

MAXINE: Bobby.

I'm sorry.

For some reason, he
thinks you're a stripper.

Maxine, we need to talk.

Oh, my God.

Ha!

♪

♪

How could you be a stripper?
Ugh, it's so degrading.

It's beneath you. You're smart.

You should be in school.

Maxine, it's not degrading.

And you don't have the right to
tell me what to do with my life.

And do you really want
to have this conversation

in front of Jerrod's family?

Well, we already know that
you grinded on my son,

so I think we're a little past privacy.

Maxine,

don't be so hard on your sister.

I mean, weren't you
just saying a few minutes ago

that stripping is
nothing to be ashamed of?

Yeah, it's nothing to be ashamed of

unless you are my little sister.

We used to hold hands
and go ice skating together.

Ice skating? Whoo,
rich people are something else.

Maxine, you can't be someone who
says that they're open-minded

- when it comes to stripping...
- (sighs)

...and that it's just women
owning their sexuality,

and then change your mind
the second you find out

it's someone close to you.

I mean, every stripper
is someone's baby sister,

or daughter, or young hot aunt.

Now, listen, young lady, I don't
want to come off aggressive.

I know we just met.

But if I was your mother,
I'd k*ll myself.

All right, let's go easy on her.

Let's not forget that she provides

a very necessary service.

Oh, Joe.

Well, somebody's got to strip.

I always said cities can not function

without hospitals or strip clubs.

That's the reason they
both open on Christmas.

So, Joe, if you had a daughter,

you would be fine with her stripping?

Well, God blessed me with sons

because He knew I wasn't strong enough

to face that question.

Casey, what happened?
Why are you doing this?

Are you trying to piss off Dad?

No, I choose to do this.

I like dancing. It's good money.

I feel sexy and I'm really good at it.

Yep, I can attest to that.

(sighs) Look, Caramel Diva,

you are one of the most talented
dancers I've ever seen.

In fact, I think you're a better dancer

than Maxine is a therapist.

You made me feel better

about myself in minutes

than Maxine has done
after years of conversations.

You're not only a great dancer,
you a healer.

You are too beautiful to be a stripper.

Now, seeing a beautiful
stripper is like

seeing an Asian man
working at McDonald's.

I just want to grab him and say,

"You don't need to do this.

People that look like you
are supposed to do better."

Cynthia, that was extremely r*cist,

but I agree with the sentiment.

Casey, this woman and I have
never agreed on anything.

And we dislike what you're doing
so much that it's uniting us.

It's true. We don't get along.

In fact, I was actually in
Trader Joe's the other day,

saw Maxine, didn't speak to her
like she was a stranger.

That was you.

JOE: Now, Maxine,

before you go trying to decide

that what your sister's doing
is right or wrong,

we need to ask her the most
important question of all:

Casey, how much money
do you make, uh, stripping?

(chuckles)
That's a good question, Daddy.

Um, I... I really, I don't want to.

Joe, don't be rude.

Now, she don't need to tell us

how much money she makes a year,

but is it over $ , ?

Cynthia.

I am collecting data.

We're trying to help you, Maxine.

So is it over $ ?

I mean, we ain't talking $ , are we?

Um...

Oh, my God. She makes over $ , ?

Okay. Casey, I'm sorry.

My family will stop asking
if you just tell us.

Okay. If you really need to know,

last year I made $ , .

- Sweet Shepard of Jesus.
- Get out of town!

JERROD: Oh, wow. Oh-ho.

I mean, who are we to criticize Casey?

I mean, if she went back to high school

and told her guidance counselor
she made $ , a year,

her guidance counselor would quit

and start stripping herself.

- Hey, everybody.
- Hey, Nekeisha.

- Hi. - Hey.
- Wait a minute.

Caramel Diva, is that you?

How many people in this house

are regulars at this strip club?

Uh, well, I'm not a regular.
I just brought Bobby there

when he was having trouble
getting over the divorce.

Caramel Diva, what are you doing here?

I'm Maxine's sister.

My real name is Casey.

Oh, well, that's gonna
be hard to remember

since I met you as Caramel Diva

and that really stuck with me.

I'm just gonna keep calling
you Caramel Diva, okay?

Uh, wait a minute.

Bobby, you mean to tell me

the friend who took you to a strip club

to help you get over your
divorce from Nekeisha

was Nekeisha?

Well, somebody had to, okay?

I was devastated.

I was crying for, like,
six days straight.

I was afraid I was gonna cry out
all the sodium out my body.

Maxine, why didn't you tell us
your sister was a dancer?

Because I didn't know.

Clearly, she was
too ashamed to tell me.

I'm not ashamed. I just didn't
want to deal with all this.

Look how judgmental you're being.

See, this is the exact
behavior that keeps women

from moving forward in society.

We don't need men to tear us down,

'cause we doing it to ourselves!

I am not tearing her down,

but I'm concerned
with the negative impact

that degrading herself will have
on her for years to come.

(scoffs) Enough with the therapy.

For once, I would love it

if you could try to understand me

instead of trying to
judge me all the time.

Yes, I hate when she does that.

You should have seen the
judgmental look she gave me

when I said dog-fighting
wasn't no big deal.

Casey, all I have ever
tried to do is protect you.

You know that we couldn't rely
on Mom and Dad.

They're alcoholic narcissists.

There you go judging again.

They are party people.

Ain't nothing wrong with that.

- Maxine...
- (groans)

...this is the problem
with our relationship.

We're not as close as you think we are.

Uh, I don't even think
of you as a sister.

You feel more like a second mom to me.

That's why I don't
share things with you

and why I don't come around too often.

MAXINE: Look, Casey, I want us

to have a healthy relationship.

But how can I not judge you?
I mean, you are stripping.

Maxine, I've heard you
defend stripping before,

saying it's just women taking control

over the exploitation
of their own bodies.

And as a feminist myself, I am offended

by how hypocritical you're being.

JOE: Jerrod, you have never

said nor done anything

in support of a feminist
cause in your entire life.

But that's what you can do,
you can just label yourself

a feminist and be one?

Well, if Rachel Dolezal gets
to be black by just saying it,

I guess Jerrod gets to be a feminist.

NEKEISHA: Maxine, it's easy

to judge when you don't
have firsthand experience.

Maybe you should walk a mile

in your sister's clear
plastic hooker heels.

You mean strip?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, please. My sister

would never do that.

Judging something without
any facts or experience

is one of her favorite things to do.

Oh, she does do that a lot.

But, uh, as a feminist, I really
shouldn't criticize a woman.

Wow, it really is that easy.

See, Jerrod, now I'm a feminist!

So, if I went and stripped,

that would mean you
would actually listen

to my opinions and my concerns?

Maxine, your sister is
not asking you to strip.

Yes, I am.

Look, at least I'd know that you cared

and that you were coming
from a place of experience

instead of just judgment.

Or you could be like normal sisters

and talk things out over
a pedicure or something.

You don't think I'm gonna do this.

I know you won't do this.

I'm gonna do it.

What are you... what are
you doing? Just go to brunch.

Get-get some champagne, some mimosas.

Use my credit card.
It's on me, y'all, come on.

Oh, no, brother,
they not going to brunch.

Mm-mm. She about to get butt naked.

Caramel Diva is now
The Sisters Caramel.

All right, what do you think
of this for my stripping outfit?

You look like Morticia
from The Addams Family.

You're not doing this,
Maxine. This is insane.

Yes, I am, Jerrod.

This is gonna mean a lot to my sister.

And you said yourself,
she needs to know

that I'm not just judging her.

- (sighs)
- Okay, what do you think

of this song for my dance?

(playing "The Freshmen"
by The Verve Pipe)

♪ When I was young, I knew ♪

- (music stops)
- Okay, Maxine,

what the hell was that?

What?

Just the fact that you know that song

reminds me that we had
very different childhoods.

Well, if I'm gonna be stripping,

it needs to be to something emotional.

Strip clubs are depressing enough

when they're playing Drake!

People are gonna
k*ll themselves to that!

Here's the thing, Maxine.

Every man wants a woman

that other men fantasize
about seeing naked.

But you don't want those guys to
actually get a chance to see it.

Especially for a $ admission.

That's right, it only costs $
to get into that place.

You are exposing yourself for the price

of a -piece at Popeyes.

Weren't you the one
defending my sister,

saying that stripping
was an okay thing to do?

I was lying! Stripping is degrading,

and everybody knows that.
It's weird that it's even legal.

Look, look, Maxine, I
realize that I'm as big

of a hypocrite as you.

I had no problem with stripping
until someone that I love

decided to do it, and now I
have a huge problem with it.

So please stop before
somebody gets hurt.

Look, I'm sorry,
but this isn't about you.

This is about me being
there for my sister

and trying to keep my family together.

Are you telling me

that you are stripping
to save your family?

Yeah.

I guess that is what I'm trying to do.

- (sighs)
- Now,

I'm trying to work on my stripper name.

So, what do you like better?

Double Dip or...

Wet Sprinkle?

Ugh, Maxine, this is just disgusting.

Well, I think I'm gonna go
with Wet Sprinkle, all right?

Love you. I won't be too late.

Maxine, don't just kiss me
and say you love me

like everything's fine. Maxine,

I'm trying to protect you, okay?

It's a brutal industry!

You don't have the heart
to be a stripper!

You got no pain to draw from, Maxine!

Maxine!

(knocking on door)

Hey, um, can I talk to
you guys for a minute?

Maxine, why you look like
a prost*tute Inspector Gadget?

You really are going to that
amateur night, aren't you?

Yeah. (chuckles softly)

Man, this stripping is turning into

the family business in
front of our very eyes.

I don't even know if
this is even gonna help,

but I don't know what else to do.

(sighs) I can't believe
I'm gonna say this,

but I wish my family
was more like yours.

Of course you do.

Everybody likes to borrow
things from black culture,

'cause we so fun and cool.

No, not the culture.

Also, I'm black.

For the sake of argument, sure. Go on.

I just want the closeness
you all have, you know?

You guys are able to criticize
each other and disagree

without it ruining your relationships.

The last time my sister and I
got in an argument,

we didn't speak for seven months.

CYNTHIA: Seven months?

Jerrod stole Bobby's first girlfriend

and Bobby forgave him by dinnertime.

You see, Maxine, we had the
benefit of living without money.

Nothing unites a family more
than financial struggle.

You really don't know how much
you need another family member

until your cable bill
is in your son's name.

He's right. Our family
grew up in a small house.

We couldn't avoid each other.

Now, you grew up in a big house.

When your family would fight,
they could just storm off

and go to separate rooms.

That's why Brad and
Angelina didn't make it.

Their house had too many rooms.

And even with all those
international kids,

they couldn't fill up that place.

So what am I supposed to do?

Okay, Maxine, you got to pretend

that you come from a poor family.

Say what you got to say to your sister,

but criticize her to her face.

Yes, you got to call her names.

You know, like, "harlot, slut!"
You know, things like that.

And after it's all over, you sit down

and you have dinner together,
'cause that's what families do.

You disagree, you fight,
but then you stick together.

Part of it is love, but, also,

part of it is circumstance,
like I said.

You know why Bobby and
Jerrod are so close?

Because they shared a car,

a bathroom, one pair of dress shoes.

You know, them boys never could

go to a funeral at the same time.

And know this, Maxine,

whether or not you choose
to be disgusting tonight

and take all your clothes off for men,

and crawl around
on your hands and knees,

picking up sweaty dollar bills
from the floor,

you are still welcome for dinner here.

Well, thank you.

After you shower.

(knocks) Hey.

Oh, my God, Maxine.

It means so much to me
that you are doing this.

Look, Casey, we need to talk.

We can't just shut each other
out because we disagree.

We are sisters; we need to learn
how to criticize each other

and still have a relationship.

So you're not going out there?

Well, it shouldn't matter
whether or not I go out there.

We need to love each other

and stand by each other no matter what.

I should be able to call you a slut

and still have dinner with you.

Did you just call me a slut?

Kind of.

Look, my point is, maybe I am
a little bit hard on you

and too overprotective.

But you need to take
responsibility for being the one

who shuts me out
every time things get hard.

Because us not being close
can't be all on me.

Well, I don't know any other way.

We had terrible parents.

Obviously, they could have done better.

We're both standing
backstage at a strip club.

Look, no matter what is
going on in your life,

whether or not I agree with
it, I am going to be here.

And if you want us to have
a good relationship,

then you need to be here, too.

DEEJAY: Who's ready for amateur night?

Making her Blue Diamond
Strip Club debut,

it's Wet Sprinkle!

(playing "The Freshmen"
by The Verve Pipe)

Well?

Thanks, fellas. Have a good time.

Hey, my man. I'm looking

for my girlfriend; she's
stripping for amateur night.

Ah, man, I wish you wouldn't
have told me that.

Now I can't let you in here.

What are you talking about? Why not?

We got a strict no boyfriend
policy on amateur night.

See, when a guy sees his girl
take her clothes off

for the first time in a
room full of strange men,

they got a tendency
to sh**t up the place.

See that b*llet hole right there?

That's from a boyfriend in .

Went right by my face.

Anyway, that's why
I can't let you in here.

Jerrod, what are you doing here?

Maxine,

I was at home,
just trying to accept this.

And I-I just couldn't,
okay? I love you,

and I don't want to share you.

So please tell me you didn't
go through with this.

I almost didn't.

Maxine, what the hell?

I told you I needed to
strip to save my family.

Nobody has ever had to
strip to save their family.

I met a lot of single mothers backstage

who would beg to differ.

Well...

did you make a lot of money?

Jerrod...

we can finally go to Hawaii.

All right, well, let's get
out of here, Wet Sprinkle.

We don't have to ever speak of this.