03x13 - Gold Diggers

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Carmichael Show". Aired: August 2015 to August 2017.
"The Carmichael Show" follows the life of stand up comedian Jerrod Carmichael as he navigates through life with his therapist in-training girlfriend and his heavily opinionated family.
Post Reply

03x13 - Gold Diggers

Post by bunniefuu »

The Carmichael Show is taped in
front of a live studio audience.

- Oh, hey, honey.
- Hey. Oh.


The caviar of nuts.


The cashews are for when Bobby's
new girlfriend gets here.

We don't want this girl dumping Bobby

because his parents
didn't serve quality nuts.

But I'm starving.

Well, eat these saltines, baby.

- Saltines?
- Mm-hmm.

These are what you
serve pigeons and ducks.

This is the food you're
supposed to eat off the ground.

- Hey, y'all.
- Hey, guys.

Oh, y'all got cashews? You know,
those are the caviar of nuts.

Nobody is getting any cashews

until Bobby's new girlfriend gets here.

You know, I never actually
saw cashews as that fancy.

I always considered the fanciest
nut to be the pistachio.


Speaking of amazing, fancy things,

we have something to show you.

Since we got married

without me getting Maxine
an engagement ring...

Look: I went all out.


Maxine, why is your diamond red?

Is it stained?

It's not a diamond, it's a ruby.

- A ruby?
- Mm-hmm.

Why would you buy something
that tells everyone

you can't afford a diamond?

Rubies are actually more
expensive than diamonds.

Really? 'Cause it looks
like a Ring Pop.

Cynthia, the diamond trade
is vicious and destructive.

So if you see a diamond on a ring,

that means somebody in Africa
died to get that.

Oh. Well, if the ring is in the store,

then whoever got the
diamond is already d*ad.

So you're saying
you want these Africans

to have died for nothing?

JOE: Yeah, Maxine.

You're always telling us to recycle,

and here you're wasting d*ad Africans.

Don't worry.

I'm sure somebody somewhere
died for this ruby, too.

So, look. Did Bobby tell you anything

about this new girl of his?

- Uh-uh.
- Nothing. Just that she's great.

Okay. So let me get this straight.

There's a great girl that's
interested in our Bobby?

This is very suspicious.

So what y'all thinking?
Albino, alopecia, or just slow?

Oh, look. They're here.

I don't care how pale,
bald or dumb she is,

you know, Bobby has
been struggling lately,

and we just need to
give him some support.

Come on, Joe, get up.

Oh. What up, y'all?

This is my girlfriend, Janet.

Hey, everyone.


- Hey, hey, Janet.
- Hi, Janet.

I am so sorry.

I hate to be rude,

but I got a call on the way here,

and I have to head back to my office.

I still wanted to say hello,

and offer this as an apology.

- Oh.
- My favorite g*n.

Oh. Thank you, ma'am.

I hope we can reschedule soon,

because I've been
looking forward to this.

Well, anyway,

so nice to meet you.

Bye, baby.

So she's great, right?

Bobby, that woman is old as hell.

Bobby, you are dating a senior citizen.

Bobby, Bobby, Bobby, Bobby, why?

Are you doing this for her OxyContin?

You know you can get that
out on the street now.

No. I'm in love with her.

After three weeks?

Well, I guess you got to
move things along quickly

when you don't know how
much time you got left.

Oh, come on. Janet seemed like
a lovely... wise woman.

What happened to supporting
Bobby's girlfriend

no matter what?

I said support pale, dumb or bald.

I didn't say nothing about dusty.

Well, in Bobby's defense,

she looked really good
for an older lady.

And there's no way Bobby
could have gotten a woman

that looked like that
while she was in her s

or s or even s.

Uh, she's at a markdown now.

I-It's like buying
a dented can for half off.

Look, me and Janet
have a great relationship.

We have meaningful conversations,

she laughs at all my jokes.

That sounds awesome.

It sounds like a very
mature relationship.

Maxine, you can't talk about her

without using words like
"mature" and "wise."

This woman is a gargoyle
and you know it.

Oh, Lord, I have been
too good of a mother.

I have single-handedly

pampered you into a fetish.

Bobby, you're a healthy,
strapping young man.

And this woman is an old,
broke-down lady.

She-she-she's wore out

from years of wear and tear.

She's like a, like a old truck

that's been left out in the
middle of the desert somewhere.

The roof is flapping.

The windows are all broke out.

Tire's flat.

She got Bondo on more
than half of her body.

Okay, okay, okay, okay,
okay, okay, Dad.

That's my girlfriend
you're talking about.

You guys are blowing this
way out of proportion.

Sometimes you just meet
the right person

and the age doesn't matter.

Love is love.

No, it is not. I want grandbabies.

And that woman could not
possibly create a child.

And don't tell me
they're gonna be doing

that surrogate mother thing,

because I don't want my grandbabies

being a science experiment.

I refuse to grandmother a cyborg.

Again, you guys, I told you.

If you just Google things,
you'd be way more informed

on how things work.

This is such a double standard.

When an older man
dates a younger woman,

no one thinks twice,
but when Madonna kissed Drake,

everyone was grossed out,
including Drake.

Wait a minute.

Bobby, is that a Rolex?

(chuckles) Yes, it is.

Where'd you get that?

Janet bought it for me.

Well, she can afford a Rolex?

Yep. She manages a hedge fund.

Wait. She's rich?

Now it all makes sense.

Bobby, you're just a gold digger.

Bobby, why didn't you tell us

that you were dating her
'cause she got money?

We never would have talked
about you like that.

Son, you better ride this
till the wheels fall off.

Look, everybody.

- I am not a gold digger.
- Bobby.

You are dating some elderly
tycoon who buys you jewelry.

You're basically Anna Nicole Smith.

Oh, come on. Bobby just told us

over and over how much he loves her.

Just because she has
more money than him

doesn't make him a gold digger.

Yes, that's right. Look,
we agreed to go on a date

before I even knew she was rich.

Well, I don't care what you say.

Bobby, this is the best thing
that ever happened to us.

And as your father,

I must insist that you marry

this kindly, elderly lady.

Oh, Lord.

Now I'm confused. I'm torn.

On one hand, she's a barren old ghoul,

but on the other,
she could have enough money

to buy herself a new uterus.

That's the spirit, Cynthia.

This old ghoul is about
to be our daughter-in-law.

Bobby, just admit it, man.

You're not dating this woman,
you're dating this watch.

Ah, come on, Jerrod.

You're just jealous 'cause
you wanted a Rolex first

and Bobby b*at you to it.

No, no.

What are you talking about?

That's ridiculous, I'm not jealous.

Besides, that watch looks stupid

on your big, black, dumb wrist.

CYNTHIA: Jerrod.

You are jealous.

You couldn't even buy
Maxine a diamond ring.

She's sitting over there
wearing a mood ring.

It's a ruby.

Hey, look. That ruby turning red.

She must be mad.

No, no.

Stop it, Joe.

Okay, all right, okay. Bobby.

Look, there is no way
she sees you as an equal.

I know Janet said
that Rolex was a gift,

but she owns you with that watch now.

It's basically a dog collar around your

big, black, dumb, sweaty wrist.

Look, look, my wrist is normal, okay?

MAXINE: All right.

Don't listen to your brother, Bobby.

He just bought me this beautiful ring,

and I don't owe him anything.


Are you serious right now?

Well, now, I'm just saying

that ring was really expensive, Maxine.

It would be very unreasonable

for you to get mad at me about anything

for the next three months.

Hey, everybody. Sorry, I'm late.

- Nekeisha.
- Hey.

Where's Janet?

She had to head back to work.

Do you know this Janet lady?

Yeah. She cool. Small world, too.

She went to high school
with my grandma.

Nekeisha, will you please tell Bobby

to stop being a gold digger?

Why would I do that?

I'm already reaping the benefits.

Janet bought Bobby a slow cooker,

and I can't even begin to tell you

how tender my brisket has been lately.

Nekeisha, you didn't bring us none?

Oh, come on, Joe.
I don't talk about it,

boy, I be about it.

Oh, yeah.

Keisha, Keisha, Keisha.

Well, look, y'all.

I-I don't care what
anybody thinks, okay?

This is not a way out for me.

I really care about Janet.

Oh, come on, Bobby.

You finally have a steady job

and-and a little control
over your life,

why are you just gonna
give that control

over to someone else?

Well, he done tried everything else.

This is the only thing that stick.

Maybe being an old,
rich woman's prost*tute

is the life he's cut out for.

NEKEISHA: Yeah, Jerrod.

Not all hoes want to be saved.

What do you mean he's not
gonna have any control

in their relationship?

Oh, come on, Maxine.
We all know the person

with the most money has all
the power in a relationship.

(chuckles) No, they don't.

Of course they do.

You think Stedman's choosing

where he and Oprah go out for dinner?

I bet you his name's not even Stedman.

His name's probably
Tom, and she was like,

"Hey, I'm gonna call you Stedman, now."

And he was like, "Cool. Can
I have some more lobster?"

Since you make more money than me,

does that mean you have the
power in our relationship?


(chuckles) Okay.

So, even if money were a
way to measure power,

you may not always
have more money than me.

Maxine, come on.

I mean, you are a social worker.

And that is really nice and all,

but you'll never earn
more money than me.

But don't worry, because I promise

to lead this relationship to greatness.

Oh, well, Jerrod...

you may want to rethink that.

Yeah? Why's that?

'Cause I have a trust
from my Grandma Nancy,

and when she passes, I'll inherit it.

Uh, you talking about
the -year-old grandma

with the bad kidney?

Yep. Terrible kidney.

How much is the trust?

Well, I didn't want
to tell you like this

in front of your whole family,

but since you're being such an ass,

it's $ . million.

- Yahtzee!
- Get out of town!

We're rich?

Well, Cynthia, we must've
done something right,

'cause both of our
boys are gold diggers.

♪ Uh, uh ♪

♪ Uh, come on ♪

♪ Ha, sicker than your average ♪

♪ Papa twist cabbage off instinct ♪

♪ n*gga don't think... stink ♪

♪ Pink gators, my Detroit players ♪

♪ Timbs for my hooligans in Brooklyn ♪

♪ d*ad right, if the head right,
Biggie there every night ♪

♪ Papa been smooth
since days of Underroos... ♪


Can you help me with these?

Is that a cigar?

Yeah. Since I found out we're rich,

I smoke cigars now.

Also wear Versace sunglasses inside,

and then when we get outside,
I switch to the Guccis.

Take those off.

And we don't even have the money yet.

My grandmother's still alive.

Oh, come on, Maxine.

She is one sneeze away from death,

and we both know it.

Also, we only buy organic bananas now.

I'm starting to taste the difference.

And these are not organic.

Did you buy a new watch?

- Did you buy a Rolex?
- Yep.

Jerrod, that has to be,
like, a $ , watch.

Thirty-two five.

What is happening?

How could you buy something like this?

Because I love the dough.

Money over everything, Maxine.

Cash rules everything around me.

Stop using hip-hop
to articulate yourself.

(laughs) Look, Maxine,

here's something
that I just don't think

you ever really understood about me.

You see, I am from the ghetto,

and I am obligated

to spend my money irresponsibly

'cause I ain't never had nothing.

Why are you talking like that?

I don't know. I think it's the chain.

Look, Maxine, I bought a chain.

I-I couldn't help myself.

I... Isn't it ironic

that black people were
brought here in chains,

and then as soon as we get money,

we put them on again?

I cannot believe
you are acting like this.

And put out the cigar.

God, you look like Cosby.
It's creeping me out.

Look, Maxine, I realize

that this is upsetting to you,

but there's a lot of upside in this

for you, too, okay?

Now that you make more money than me,

the dynamic in our relationship
has shifted completely.

I'm your Stedman now,

which means that you get to choose

what we watch on television.

You get to choose
where we go out to dinner.

And you can cheat on me once
a year, 'cause you've earned it.


Also, you are allowed to hit me twice.

And you can hit my mom once.

But you can't do both.

Even if you did, I'd probably still...

Jerrod, I don't want to cheat on you,

and I don't want to hit your mom.

God, you criticize Bobby

for being a gold digger,
but look at you.

I thought you'd have
more integrity than this.

Well, thought I would, too.

I am as disappointed in me as you are.

I put truffles on an Egg
McMuffin this morning.

Oh, my God.

I can't even be around you like this.

Oh, wait, you want me to leave?

'Cause I-I could leave.

I got a Uber waiting downstairs for me.

I tipped him $ ,

so he just stayed out there all day.

Oh, my God. Yes. Just go.

Okay. Well, as you wish, my love.

I'll go.

Hey, Maxine,

I ordered this life-size statue
of Prince off Amazon,

so I'm gonna need
somebody here to sign for it

when it Del... Okay.

Yeah, Sylvia, both my boys,

they got rich women.

Uh-huh. Oh, girl, I'm gonna
buy myself a new Camry.

Okay, thank you, Sylvia.

We are truly blessed. Bye-bye.

Hey, sugar.

Now, here comes one of
my little meal tickets.

Sit down here, boy.

Have a glass of some of
this expensive-ass wine.

You know, this is my
new favorite drink:

expensive-ass wine.

Where's Maxine?

Maxine got frustrated with me,

so she asked me to leave.

Well, why would you frustrate

a wonderful woman like her anyway?

No, this money's making me crazy.

Look, bought a Rolex.


It's much nicer than
Bobby's, I might add.

Ooh, both my sons got Rolexes.

I got to call Sylvia back.

- No, Ma.
- Son, you finally gave your mama

something to brag about.
Let her have this.

I thought blowing through money
would be more fun than this.

Well, maybe you just need
a nicer Rolex.

CYNTHIA: Yeah, buy two.

One for each wrist.

That should fill the void inside you.

Hey, Bobby, how could
you do this to me?

Look, I had to make a choice.

See, that's why our marriage ended

in the first place.
Bobby, you so damn selfish.

Wait, hold on. What's going on?

You tell 'em, Bobby.

I can't say it without crying.

Look, Janet found out
that me and Nekeisha

never actually got divorced.

She told me if I want to be with her,

then I couldn't be
friends with Nekeisha.


Keisha, you are a member

of the Carmichael family.

But times change.

Hate to see you go.

No, no, no, I-I picked Nekeisha.

Look, I told Janet if me and Nekeisha

couldn't be friends, then it was over.

She took the slow cooker.

She took the damn slow cooker.

You know, I tried to make
a brisket in the oven.

It came out burnt and dry.

Bobby, why did you choose me?
We needed her.

Bobby, why you gonna choose

your ex-wife over money?

Have you lost your mind?

Yes, Bobby,

you had a rich, beautiful, rich woman.

What were you thinking?

But she said me and Nekeisha
couldn't be friends anymore.

Bobby, we still would've been friends.

I would have seen you all the time.

That woman goes to bed at : .

You know, Bobby,

I never realized this
about you before today,

but you have integrity.

Like, you chose morals
and principles over money.


Look, it's like I told you, Jerrod.

I don't care if she's rich.

Okay? It's more about who I am
than what I have.

That stuff doesn't mean anything to me.


- Really?
- JOE: No.

Your brother's stupid.

Bobby has blown

his one chance he had
at making it in this world,

and he is d*ad to all of us.

But we still got Maxine.

So focus, Jerrod,

and give her the rest of
this expensive-ass wine.

CYNTHIA: Tell her

I've always loved her.

- But I still don't...
- Bobby.

Your opinion don't matter no more.


I went to see my family,

and my dad wanted me to give you

this half-empty bottle of wine.

And my mom wanted me to tell you

that she's always loved you.

So has everyone

gone insane about this money?

Yeah, pretty much.

Maxine, I hit rock bottom today.

I felt myself looking up to Bobby.

Like, really admiring him as a person.

Oh, my God. That must
have really scared you.

It was terrifying.

But I needed something like
that to make me realize

that I need to have more integrity

when it comes to money.

(chuckles) Well, I'm glad
you figured that out.

But I never will. So I need you

to sign a postnuptial agreement

guaranteeing that I can never
touch your grandma's fortune.

(laughs) Wait.
You want to sign a document

that keeps you away from $ . million?

Yeah, I do.
More than anything in the world.

Come on, that is ridiculous.

You know that what's mine is yours

and what's yours is mine.
That's what marriage is.

But, Maxine, of all the
things I bought recently,

the only thing that matters
to me is your wedding ring,

and that's because
I worked hard for that.

Like, I saved up all year for that.

Everything else...
this Rolex, this chain,

that parakeet that's in the bedroom...

none of it means anything to me

because I didn't earn it.

Yeah, this ring is really
special to me, too.

(chuckles) So if you need me to,

I guess I will call a lawyer tomorrow

and make sure that you never
get any of my grandma's money.

Thank you.

You got something in your mouth?

Oh, yeah, I bought a grill.


Again, the ghetto has destroyed me.

(knock at door)

Well, if it isn't my favorite son

and daughter-in-law.

We were in the neighborhood.

Thought we'd just drop by

a few bags of pistachio nuts.

And, Maxine, you are right.

They are really the quality nut.

Okay, before you guys go any further,

you should know that I asked Maxine

to sign a postnuptial agreement

restricting me
from her grandma's money.

She agreed.

So I nor any member

of the Carmichael family
will have access

to her grandma's money.


Why does money make this family
throw food in the trash?

You know there are
starving kids in Africa.

Make up your mind
about these Africans, Maxine.

Are they d*ad, or are they starving?

I raised two of the stupidest
boys in the world.

Come on, Cynthia.

Let's go on back home
to our horrible lives.

- Jerrod Carmichael?
- Oh.

Hey, Maxine.

I know what I said earlier,

but I'm gonna want to keep
this Prince statue.
Post Reply