03x10 - No Laughing Matter

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Doctor Doctor". Aired: June 5, 2017 to present.
"Doctor Doctor" follows the story of Hugh Knight, a rising heart surgeon who is gifted, charming and infallible. He is a hedonist who, due to his sheer talent, believes he can live outside the rules. His "work hard, play harder" philosophy is about to come back and bite him.
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03x10 - No Laughing Matter

Post by bunniefuu »


I'm a narcissistic sociopath

but occasionally my heart beats.


I don't want you to go.

I hope you will let me repay you and

the medical profession
for your faith in me.

- Welcome back.
- Thank you.

I thought you'd gone. It's Monday.

Slight wrinkle. Family in
chaos post-father's death.

I have to stick around
and tidy up a few things.

Do you want to see other people?

No, of course not. I just...

I wanted to establish how
things were at your end.

Snail's pace.

I think we need to end this.

I'm so sorry.

Matt, I totally get it.

I cannot leave this farm.

I grew up here,

you grew up here. It is our home.

What about the debt?

You want to turn Arcadia
into a cemetery?

It's five thousand per plot

and $ in annual maintenance fees.

We could use the brewery for funerals.

This baby is going to change
things. You were right.

Didn't you want to be with me anyway?

I thought I could do both
but maybe I can't.

Give him a kiss, we'll throw him back.

I'm not going to kiss it.


I always could make an entrance.





I hate this baby. Get it out of me.

Yes, that's the spirit.


Yes, Professor, you
have been very patient.

Of course, of course. I understand.

You need to fill the position.

No, I get it.

Uh, no, no, no,

no need to look for other candidates.

You've found your man.

Monday's great. Uh-huh.

Well, thank you. Yes.

Of course, yes, the baby will cooperate.

Don't worry about that.


- Ajax!
- In here.

What are you doing?

Just testing it out.

First d*ad dude in a few days.
Gotta be ready.

Yeah, maybe don't call them d*ad dudes.

Seems a little unprofessional.

d*ad client dude?


Looks good.

People love it. They're dying to get in.

- You get it?
- Yeah, don't ever say that again.


So, here's the deal,

one piece for each of us.

Matt gets the brewery,

Ajax, the cemetery,

and I will get you both to plant
my medicinal poppies,

which I'll extract morphine from

and sell to the Health Department.

Soon I'll be back in the
city, making loads and

- paying down the debt.
- Deal.

We should hug on it.


OK. Alright.

What do you think Dad would say

about what we're doing?

BOTH: You're a bunch of idiots.


♪ I'm goin' up the country,
baby, don't you wanna go? ♪

♪ I'm goin' up the country,
baby, don't you wanna go? ♪

♪ I'm goin' to some place where
I've never been before ♪

♪ I'll leave this city ♪

♪ I've got to get away ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave this city ♪

♪ I've got to get away ♪

♪ All this fussin' and fightin', ♪

♪ man, you know I sure can't stay. ♪

I haven't held a baby in...

Ever. They're so small.

How do I know I won't
leave it on the ground,

forget it's there and then step on him?

Oh, OK, here.

- I'll take him.
- OK.

Thank you.

God, I've gotta go.

Run. Waddle, I mean.


I think we should have a dinner tonight.

Sure, any reason?

I like it when we're all together

and Hugh's having his baby soon

and he'll be leaving us
so he can take up his destiny.


Do you ever think it's
rude to Matt and Ajax

that you talk about their 'jobs'

and yet Hugh's 'destiny'?

Reality has to be accepted, Hayley.

It's a sign of courage and wisdom.

And as a parent, you'll realise one day,

you're always teaching.

She's still got the wheeze.

The Ventolin hasn't helped much.

She's always had bad asthma.

I'm going to give her pred

- and then you...
- 'Wait for two hours

and if she seems fine,
we'll let you go.'

You've done it before.

Not with such a beautiful doctor.

I'm here.

Gross, Dad.


I'll be back soon.



That's it! That's it!

Uh, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm her support person.

She doesn't really know anyone else.

What about Hugh?

He'll be delivering the package

and trust me, he can't
do two things at once.

Except women.

He does great with that.


I might get a coffee.

You could be silent.

In some cultures, they do that.

If I'm in pain, people
need to know about it.

Loud it is.

Push and breathe.



Are you abandoning your daughter?

Well, sometimes coffee's
more important than your kids.

Is that bad?

It may be bad but it is true.

Would you like to join me for coffee?

Seems like fate.

- I'm so glad you see it that way.



April, it's Hugh.

Hey, can you give me a call
when my poppies come in? Thanks.

Pretending talking, pretend talking

and now you're...


So funny.


Oh, Hugh, I was just saying,

- I'm a doula.
- A doula?

It's like a midwife
but with more candles.

I know what a doula is.

So if you wanted to be

Harriet's support person, we could swap.

Uh, let me not think about that.

Hugh, I hate the baby.
Take it out of me.

I'm cooked. I looked it up.

I really think we should let
nature take its course.

If we let nature take its course,

we'd all be d*ad of cholera.

- Seems bleak.

Yes, but true.

Seriously, Hugh.

Induce me. Let's get this done.

OK, I will.

You will?

Well, your due date was two
days ago, no reason not to.

We can do it tomorrow, leave Saturday

and I can start work on Monday.

Oh, I reckon we should get

apartments in the same
block, so we're close.

These are all suggestions
I've already made

and you said 'no way' to.

OK, I'm going to say
something to you now that

you love hearing and
mean more than anything.

I have free drugs?

You were right. It's time to go.

Well, that's also good.

I'm going to hug you now
in a purely plutonic way,

- so don't get hard.
- Ah, no need for that.

This is purely a business arrangement.

Oh, except Mum wants you
at a family dinner tonight.

Oh, I'll be there, as I am now family.

Mmm-mmm, oh, no you are not.

Am I carrying your child?

Am I living at the house?

Am I invited to family dinner?

You so lost.

Let's sign some forms.

And by some, I mean several hundred,

now that you're a major
heroine producer.

Is there a form in there that travels

me back in time to before I met Harry?

Ha, did you hear the joke
from the wards?

'Raph's kid may have asthma

but he took my breath away.'

Eh? Eh?

Or maybe he just took my breath
away to give to his kid.

I guess. Something to do
with breath. Anyway, the forms.

HUGH: So, the baby drops tomorrow.

We leave Saturday and I
start work on Monday.

He's so sentimental, isn't he?

It's just so soon.

Oh, Mum, I'll be back a day,
a fortnight for the Cardio Clinic.

So, the farm and our deal.

Ajax's cemetery is such a
great destiny for him.

People are dying to get in.


I knew it was funny.

It's hilarious.

Thanks for letting me
crash your family thing.

Well, you were here to
help plan the poppy thing.

Exactly. And there's lots of
rules to the Health Department.

- It's full on.
- Oh, my baby's going to inherit

a heroine farm. It's so sweet.

It's morphine, entirely controlled,

worth half a million dollars a year.

Maybe you should all come
and watch the first burial.

About the cemetery,
I don't think we should do it.

What are you talking about?

I think it's macabre

having a lot of people
buried on your land.

People that you don't know.

It's Les McCready from the Caltex.

He called your father
a prick once, you know.


I hear what Meryl's saying.

I think it's a bit weird.

I don't. It's my thing.


We all agreed, Mum.

It is the deal, so all of this can work.


Your father and I.

Well, it's our wedding
anniversary today.

Oh, Mum.

You should have said.

I did, just then.

Are you all going to raise your glasses

before my arm gets too sore?


Happy anniversary.

I'm sorry we all forgot
your anniversary.

Past is past. I don't dwell.

I'm focused on our
family's future as always

and I'll fix things,

as you're leaving and can't.

Mum, we had a deal.

Yeah, empty graves all over the place

and a d*ad man
who overcharged for petrol,

who's going to be buried outside

the window is not going to happen.


Maybe we can stop this one burial.

- Hugh...
- Look, I'm just

trying to find a compromise.

I already took a deposit

and I've got another one on Friday.


Liz Tyler.

Poisonous mouth that one. No.

OK, Saturday, Dale Evans.

Mmm, alcoholic and an arse-pincher. No.


Be reasonable.

Hugh, we made deal.

Mum, you agreed on the cemetery.

You said it was money-spinning
community service.

- What could be better?
- Well, I was wrong.

Every decade it happens.

I don't know when it's going to happen,

it just sneaks up on me.

Well, I'm sorry but you're going
to have to get used to this.

It's my thing

and it's my destiny.

I'm not going to have a hearse

outside my window every three days.

We promised him.

You're his father, break his heart.

No, I'm sorry, but I can't do that.

We all made a deal.

Don't take me on, Hugh.

I'm not in the mood.

HARRIET: I'm going to bed.

Betty says you should be
giving me a perineal massage.

Absolutely not.

What is that?

That's something that I'll

never discuss with you.



Cut it out.



Um, so...

Did we say it was better for me

to come up here every

second Friday or Thursday?


Sorry, is it not a good time?

It's am, so sort of, no.

I was just sorting everything
out before I left. Um...

So, you and me...

We've dealt with that.

Right, yes.

My life's a mess and you
don't want a part of it.

Are we really having this conversation?

Well, we seem to be in the middle of it,

- so we might as well just keep going.
- Yes, your life is a mess

and I'm trying to move
on with my own life.

Ah, yeah, see, you could
embrace the mess, though.

You know, to hell with it.

It's a perfect disaster.
Just, you know, do it anyway.



You don't seem to be
fully considering it.

Giving it a chance.

You had your chance

when you had your heart att*ck.

I sat by your bed. I thought
we were this close to being...

And then you chose Harriet.

Oh, that was just

post-op confusion after trauma.

It's a thing.

I could send you some
studies if you like.

Then you got her pregnant.


You made your choices.

Live with them.


I'm trying to.


So it's probably best
if I come up on Fridays.

Good night, Hugh.



I've just been sitting here
thinking about your wedding.

The frangipanis were in bloom

and Charlie made you play
that terrible acid jazz

for your wedding dance.

I need to talk to you in the kitchen.

- I don't want to wake her.
- I'm awake.

I'm just too frightened to open my eyes.

Well, maybe if I close mine,

you could leave us for a bit,
because I need to talk to my son.

No, don't go. Mum was going.

We can...

What are you doing?

Charlie and I have broken up, Mum.

You need Charlie. I know these things.

You don't and you're wrong.

I'm only wrong once a decade.
That was yesterday.

I'm clearly not wrong on this.

You need to fix it.

- Some things...
- Everything can be fixed

and repaired if you want it.

My biggest fear is that you're going to

let this marriage drift away.

You need to knock before
you come into my house.

That will never happen.


the sudden hurry to leave?

Well, you can't resist the future.

You were trying pretty hard to.

And now I'm not.

So, let's get this induction
started, shall we?

I'm terrified, by the way.

But I've got you, right?

You've got me. Handcuffed.

That's the spirit.

So, you still banging Penny?

[SCOFFS] What?

Where'd you go last night?

[NERVOUSLY] I went for a walk.

Oh, she blew you off, huh?

I have eyes, Hugh.

I know you're messed up about her,

but it's only because
you can't have her.

Yes, thank you for the insight.

So this will take
between one and six hours

and then I'll come back
and check your cervix.

She's not your type, Hugh.

You got stuck here. You saved
some sheep together or whatever.

You felt some connection.

None of your business.

I'm just telling you as a friend.

- I know you better than you know you.
- You really don't.

Three weeks in Sydney
and you'll be like,

'Do you remember, remember
I had that thing for Jenny?

The country doctor gal? How funny!'

And you'll laugh. Ha-ha-ha!


I hope you're right.

MATT: Hey, it's me.

CHARLIE: Hey, me.

I was hoping it would be.

- You what?
- Yeah, I miss you.

I woke up missing you.

I miss you, too.

That's unconvincing.

Can we talk?

In person, just you and me?

No farm, no family? I just don't
want to drift along and...

Drift away?


- Can you come here?
- Yeah.

I can.

I will. I'll come tomorrow.

That makes me happy.

And nervous.

Me too.


So, we have dates set
up for Friday night,

six for Saturday night

and a hot air balloon brunch on Sunday.

Mm-hmm. OK.

They're pretty good numbers, Meryl.

I've lost interest in the whole thing.

Why? You're bringing people together.

What's wrong with people that they

can't work it out for themselves?

Oh, here he is.

You asked him to come?

Meryl, I hope you're not interfering.

I am not, Betty.

Like I said, I've lost
interest in matchmaking.



I have a problem.

I'm here to protect and serve, Meryl.

- How amusing.
- Yeah, I know.

I just love saying it.

I got your message. What is it?

This afternoon, I want you to
close all roads to my property.

- Why is that?
- To protect me.

- From what?
- Death.

Might need more information.

Everything you need to
know is in that pamphlet.


Well, if it's a life or death situation.

The town is very lucky to have you.

I'll close them down
due to the gas leak.


What's going on over there?

Keep your mind on the
business at hand, Betty.

OK, Meryl, here's a question for you,

are you resolved to die alone?

- What?
- Is this the end

of your romantic and sexual life?

Where has this come from?

- I did something.
- What?

I put you in the system

and I found a match for you.

You're going on a date tonight.

This is preposterous.

Eight o'clock at the Thai restaurant.

It's a % hit rate.

That never happens!


We had a deal.

Deal's off.


Sweetheart! What happened?

She collapsed during cross country.

- The school rushed her here.
- Cross country?

What are you doing
running cross country?

- I...
- Don't talk.

You'll be fine. It's alright.

I was running behind her.

What do you...

I wasn't following her. Just running.

She started getting slower, slower,

and then she just crumpled.

I got help.

- Thanks, Floyd.
- Darling, are you alright?

- She's fine.
- Well, she's in hospital.

She's not fine.

Hi, I'm Dr. Cartwright.

She's had a severe asthma att*ck.

I'm going to give her IV hydrocortisone.

The nebulized Ventolin
will reduce the inflammation.

She was running cross country.

I sort of saved her life.

Thanks, Floyd.

She'll be fine.

- Mia, can you put a line in?
- Why was she running cross country?

- Didn't you tell her not to?
- I thought she would know,

obviously, logically.

- I'm sorry I didn't think...
- 'Sorry I didn't think, '

when have I heard that before?

You might have to take this outside.



- Hey.
- Hey!

Oh! My poppies!

Finally, my incredible knowledge
of drugs can make me money.

[CHUCKLES] They've been locked up.

The guy with the sense
of humour over there

is the security during planting.

Health Department
come and monitor, as well.



Oh. It's your boyfriend.

No one's ever called him that before.

I do love him, you know.

Right, OK.

Don't tell him that, though.
I'm playing hard to get.


- Hey.
- MATT: Hey, it's me.

I'm going to go to Bali,
so if you could hold the fort.

No, no, no. No fort. No fort.

It's a farm. You run it.

You plant my poppies
with the lovely April.

I need to sort things out with Charlie.

OK, right. Well, why today?

Because Mum told me to

and she's not going to stop
hassling me until I do.

And I should.

It's not fair on April or Charlie.

Tell him I'll meet him at his place, OK?

Just plant my poppies
first and then go, OK?

OK. It's just a few days.

Um, look...

When you tell April you're going,

just go easy, OK?

She's a good kid.

She's amazing.

I don't want to hurt her or...

Or what?

Lose her.

And what about Charlie?

I don't want to lose her either.

Yeah, slight flaw in that plan.

Unless you want to move
to Salt Lake City.





I can lip-read and I can tell
you, it's pretty intense.

The word duck features heavily.

I guess once they were
in love enough to make a baby.

I find that weird.

Above , everyone's life
is a mess, it seems.

- I don't think so.
- Me neither.

Well, speaking factually, I think it is.

Penny, your husband died.

Betty, you're a single alcoholic
with commitment issues.

Hugh's like a walking soap opera

with drugs and bourbon

and my parents, don't
even get me started.

Dr. Cartwright.

Accident out near Hazelton Ranges.

Cattle truck. I think it's pretty bad.

Some young kid called it in
and was pretty hysterical.

Two passengers, plane's waiting.


Hugh, let's go.
There's been an accident.

It's only minutes.

I wasn't even counting.

I need a political comeback.

You resigned.

And agreed you wouldn't.

But I need a focus.

I can't believe you, Mum.

Ajax, I told you, I
did not want it here.

What happened?

She sabotaged the funeral.
I made a deal with Hugh.

Well you may make your
deals with your brothers

but you should also remember
that this is a matriarchy.

A what?

It means the women are in charge.


Don't say what, like that's
an amazing idea, Ajax.

Why shouldn't we be in charge?

Yeah, Hayley's right.

Were you asked about the carver?

No, not really.

Not in a democratic,

you-can-have-a-vote-on-this way.

And Charlie?

Trust me, I can safely say
it was a 'no' on that.

Look, we were all excited
about saving the property.

But we need a more thorough consultation

before skeletons dot the farm.

Oh, what a life Jimmy will have.

I can just see him now.

He'll learn to count hearses each day.

Oh, that's true.

That might be weird, Ajax.

I'm getting the coffin,
I'm putting it in my ute

- and I'm bringing it up here.
- Ajax!

I think maybe Meryl's right.

Just think of Jimmy.

You can't stop this, Hayls.

You should back me up. We're married.




Go on, get!

They're in there.

We couldn't get them out.

- Are you alright?
- Yeah.

Go and sit over there.

Oh, can't see much.

Up here. I'll lower you down.

- What?
- I don't wanna put pressure on them

in case there's internal injuries.


Alright, face me.


He's d*ad.

I can't reach the woman.

I think she might be alive.

OK, we've got to bring him up this way.

- We can't risk him falling on her.
- I can't move him, Hugh.

Alright, come back up.


Grab this.

Let's winch him up.


OK, she's got a left
penetrating eye injury.

It looks like a piece of window.

Breathing seems OK.

Airway patent.

Radial pulse is weak, though.

Let's cover the right eye.

If she comes to and starts
moving the good one,

they'll both move in unison

and she'll do more damage.

Oh, OK.

Let's clean and patch.


What the f*ck?

- [g*n]
- It's Dad!

He's k*lling the lame cows.

- He hates to see them suffer.
- [g*n]



[GROANS] Oh, where is Hugh?

Still on that call.

He'll be back soon.


Where is Betty?


Where is everyone?


I saw what you did today,

or, rather, what you didn't do.


Why didn't you do it?


You were in my head.

Really? Because I wanna be in your bed.

You should grab me about now.



Shit! Harriet!


I'm a doula.

Right, here we go.

Lower her down.


Possible pelvic fracture.

Pelvic splint, fast.

Let's get oxygen and start fluids.

Blood pressure's improving.

Sorry I scarpered off.

I'm always slightly scared of Meryl.

But I guess the cat's out of the bag.

It, uh, looks like it.

You seem happy about that.

Of course.

We're the real deal, Matt.

We both know it.

It's about time everyone
else did, isn't it?

I'm married.

Technically true.

I think you're in love with me.

Technically true,


I want your baby.

Just saying.

I want your baby.


I want you.

And when I want something,
I don't wait around.

Will you marry me?

When you're not technically
married anymore?

I want to live my life with you.

Jesus, April...

Everything I just did,
hadn't even planned it

but it sounded good, I thought.

You don't have to answer now.

Unless you want to.

[STAMMERS] I have things

- that I've gotta...
- Sort out.

I know. Kiss me.

That was awesome. [GIGGLES]

Oh, shit!


You're really getting good at that.

When a random situation arises,

you've got to take control

and take down your opponents.

It's like my life is a metaphor.

So Ajax wants you to talk me

into the cemetery. Forgive him.

It's not going to happen
because I don't want it here.

I have a theory.

The wedding anniversary
has shaken you up.

Why? Because I want to stop my

sons from doing stupid things?

That's just the lioness in me.

You miss him and you're stuck.

I can see it in your eyes, Meryl.

It comes and goes, grief.

And at the moment?

It's here. Big time.

I'm sorry.

I've always been good at playing
the hand I was dealt, Hayley.

I don't like this hand.

I don't know how to play it

because the next stage...

I can't include him.

Well, you can't just sit still.

That's not you.

I can build a driveway.

They come in on the other side

and you never have to see them arrive.

You could just give it up.

If I was raised by other
people, maybe I could.

- Breathe through the pain.

Shallow, now.

- Ten breaths, please.
- Why is he here?

I'm your doula.

He's filling in as your support person.

Ten breaths, quick sticks!

Oh, God, I hate you!

OK, now push.

Not too hard. Not too hard.

Oh, push your face in!

No pain, no gain!

This is not pilates, idiot!


OK, perfect.

- Breathe.
- I will drown you!

- Someone's crowning.
- What do I do?

- What do I do?
- Just push.



And say welcome to the world,

beautiful one.




Here's your mummy.

Oh, my...

Aw. Shh.

She's perfect.



That doesn't happen every day.

Out here, it happens enough.

So what if I said yes?


Everyone's a mess.

Say I want to be with you,

mess and all?

Well, I'd say, good choice.

So, I jump in.

How do I know you mean it?

I'm not just a once-a-fortnight girl.

What do you want?

Scout's honour.

Blood oath.

There's a scalpel handy somewhere.



Sort of.


Don't go.

I don't want a day, a fortnight.

I want all in, mess and all.

Penny, you can't ask
me that. You know...

I know. You're a doctor and
you just saved someone.

No else could have, out here.

You invented a stent
while you were here.

You became a human while you were here.

And I'm here.

What else do you want?

- I...

Saved by the bell.

BETTY: It's me. Listen.






It's a girl.

Is she OK?

She's perfect.

And Harry?

Sleeping. She swore a lot. At me.


Thanks Betty.

No worries.


Well, you've never been afraid of

anything in your life, Meryl Knight.

Now's not the time to start.



Thanks for coming.

I ordered two martinis.

[STAMMERS] Not sure if you like them.

I'm happy to drink both.

I love martinis.


I don't think I can come.

- What do you mean?
- I mean, just yet.

I forgot about the poppies and stuff

and now Mum's having a bit of a turn.

So come on Saturday. Two days.

How long does it take to plant poppies?

I just need a break from decisions.

We've had a break,
now it's time to talk.

I know, but what's going
to happen if I come?

- Something definitive.
- Exactly.

Are we ready for that?

You're lying about something.

I'm not.

I'm coming home.

Charlie. Charlie! Charlie.


I love you.

I love you.

But I can't.

My job is...

You know what my job is.

Can't we just take what we can get?


I'm sorry.

♪ See her come down,
through the clouds ♪

♪ I feel like a fool. ♪

You will be.

♪ I ain't got nothing left to give ♪

♪ Nothing to lose ♪

♪ So come on, love, draw your swords ♪

♪ sh**t me to the ground ♪

♪ You are mine ♪

♪ I am yours ♪

♪ sh**t me to the ground ♪

♪ Cause you are ♪

♪ The only one. ♪

Hey, baby girl.


♪ Cause you are... ♪


♪ The only one. ♪

You're a natural.

♪ I see them snakes come
through the ground ♪

♪ They choke me to the bone ♪

♪ They tie me to their... ♪

Thank you so much.

That's alright.

Come and check 'em out.

♪ Here are all my songs. ♪

So sweet.

Yeah, they had fun.

Want a glass of wine?

I made some food. It's in the oven.

♪ So come on, love, draw your swords. ♪

Was it rough?

- Yeah.
- ♪ sh**t me to the ground. ♪

Yeah, it was pretty rough.

- Come here.
- ♪ You are mine ♪

♪ I am yours ♪

♪ sh**t me to the ground ♪

♪ The only one ♪

♪ The only one ♪

♪ The only one. ♪


There we go. [SOFT CHUCKLE]


She's not here.



Well, she's probably in the shower.

I never saw her go.

She left this for you.



And here he is.


How's it going?

It's like something in
me broke when I saw her.

That's your heart, darling.

Thought I'd introduce her to Dad.

That's a good idea.

Hey, Dad.

This is Eliza.

Now, I know you hate the name, OK,

but just keep it to yourself.

She's kind of young and impressionable.


How are you?

I went on a date.


How was that?


But enjoyable.

How are you enjoying fatherhood?

Well, to be honest,

the first nine hours have
been kind of challenging.

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