05x10 - Animals

[bunniefuu]

We're just gonna post
summonses everywhere

for the rats, being like,
"Come to your trial, rats.

You're in big trouble."

- Which is so stupid.
- (Laughs)

But that's what they did.

He sees this guy b*ating up a donkey,

biting rats' heads off.

Henry Bergh's like, "No chance."

No!

- Woof!
- No!

He was teaching the horse

to do math problems.

This horse is a [bleep] genius.

A genre va...

(Laughs)

(Patriotic music)

♪♪

(Inspiring music)

I love animals.

Ever since I was a kid,
I've loved animals.

I mean, who doesn't like animals?

I just feel like they teach us so much.

You know the ej*cul*te of a dolphin

- can blast a human's head off?
- The ej*cul*te?

- Mm-hmm.
- Say again?

Of, like, a male dolphin.

The ej*cul*te of a male dolphin

can blast a human's head off.

'Cause it's so fast,

and there's... I guess, the
volume of the ej*cul*te is so high,

so it can blast a human's head off.

(Atonal piano notes)

So you have to be careful.

Don't go out with a dolphin.

I'm not gonna jerk a dolphin off.

Don't.

Hello! I'm Claudia O'Doherty,

and today we're gonna talk about

the trial of the rats.

- Congrats!
- Congrats?

To rats.

Cong-rats.

Congrats to you.

So here we go. It's France.

It's .

Things are crazy because
it's Medieval Times.

France is under ecclesiastical
law at this time,

which means church law.

The church controls the legal system

They're like, we're very smart.

We've read the Bible tons of times,

and guess what,

uh, animals are the same
as humans right now.

So if you've got a problem

and you think the animal's responsible,

we'll put the animal on trial.

So they put tons of animals on trial

for being ding-dongs and for
doing bad stuff to humans.

I guess they had so
much spare time then.

So the farmers go to
look at their harvest,

and they're like, oh, no,
where's all our barley?

I'm really sad, and I
know who's responsible...

(Ice cubes clinking)

Rats.

So the farmer's like, guess what, rats.

We're gonna sue you, and the rat's like,

go for it, loser,
'cause, uh, we're rats.

No one can really hold
us responsible for that.

(Laughter)

So the farmers

went over to the church people,

and they were like, the rats are eating

all of our barley crops.

Can we sue the rats?

They're like, yes, definitely.

We'll sue the rats.

- They're so dumb.
- Let's be nice about them,

'cause they were dumb
from our perspective...

They're not gonna see this show.

- It's fine.
- (Laughs)

And they're like, who
will we make the lawyer

for the rats, because the rats
deserve a public defender.

- We're not crazy.
- (Chuckling)

And then they got Bartholomew Chassenez,

and they're like, guess what,
we've got a great job for you.

And he's like, what is it?

I love being a lawyer. It's my life.

(Belches softly) And
he... and they're like,

you're defending someone cool,

and he's like, good,

I can't wait to do a great job for them.

It's rats. It's rats, mate.

And he's like, cool.

Thank you for the opportunity.

I'll be there, and I'm gonna
work my heart out for you.

I just love law and being a lawyer.

So they're like, great,
we're just gonna post

summonses everywhere for the rats,

being like, come to the...
come to your trial, rats,

you're in big trouble,

which is so stupid, but
that's what they did.

So the rats saw the scrolls

and then the rats said to each other,

let's go get some food,
'cause we're rats,

and we don't know what that says.

So everyone shows up for this trial.

The cathedral is jam-packed
with human beings

being like, the rats are
gonna be here, right?

We've all cleared our
schedules to, like,

see the... put these rats on trial.

And then the rats arrive...

No, they don't.

Why did you say they arrive?

They don't arrive. (Laughs)

Why did you say they arrive?

To, like, create dramatic tension.

- I got so excited...
- Mm-hmm.

Picturing rats coming in to a trial.

They didn't come.

The rats, meanwhile, they're just like,

we care about two things,

being alive...

Chompin' on cheese.

They're the two things,
that's all they care about.

(Derek laughs)

The judge is like, this isn't good.

There's no rats here.

This... we're going to
be... we're going to...

the rats are gonna be held
in contempt of the court.

And then Bartholomew Chassenez,

he's like, I'll tell you
why the rats aren't here,

'cause the rats, they live on their own.

They're not just,
like, all in one place.

If you want the rats to come,

you have to deliver
summons to every rat.

And the bishop and the clergy

had a chat, and were... they were like,

(Whispering) He's right.

We'll set another trial date,

and we'll deliver a summons
to every single rat.

They put up millions of summonses.

The rats see the summonses,
and they're like...

(Whispering) I don't think
we're gonna come, again,

'cause we're rats.

So everyone's come again.

They've cleared their schedules.
They've come to court again,

and then, guess what,
the rats don't come again

- because they're rats.
- (Laughs)

They don't understand language,

and they just... they don't want to.

And they're waiting,
and Chassenez is like,

(Whispering) What am I gonna say?

I want everyone to know
I'm such a good lawyer.

And he was like... and he thought of it.

He thought of such a good defense.

Guess what.

Uh-uh. Rats can't come right now,

because it's daytime for rats,

and right now,

their official enemy,
cats, would get them,

and they'd be mortally wounded

and they couldn't defend
themselves in court of law.

And if your life is in danger

to come to court, guess what.

According to French law, they
don't have to come to court.

If there are cats on the
road, we must acquit.

That's what he said,
and then guess what.

That's the end of the story,

because there's no more
records of the story,

'cause, guess what.

Someone ate the records.
Who was it? It was the rats.

It might have been bugs,
but it was probably rats.

- (Laughs)
- So the next part of the story,

this is how it probably ended,

is, they're like, blah-blah-blah,

French, blah-blah-blah.

Clergy talking to bishop,
and they're like...

(Muffled) What should we do about it?

(Mumbles) And they're like, guess what?

The rats are acquitted,

and Bartholomew is like, yes!

I'm the best rat lawyer.

No one is as good as me.

And then, so from then,
he got some great jobs.

He represented a rooster;
he got the rooster off.

- They were...
- Nothing makes a mother

happier than finding out her child

- has represented a rooster.
- Yeah, like,

my son, he's done great, he's a lawyer,

he got the rats off,
he got the rooster off,

and then he got a pig off,
'cause that's what he did.

- Cock-a-doodle-doo.
- (Both laugh)

(Mellow guitar music)

What is the best animal
noise you can make?

I can do a duck call.

- (Blows raspberry, duck quack)
- (Chuckles)

What are you doing with your mouth?

Act like this is like a little butt.

- (Rough quack)
- Yeah.

(Duck quack)

(Both quacking)

Have you ever done
this in front of a duck?

Yeah. Didn't get a huge response.

(Laughs)

Hello, I'm Mae Whitman,

and I'm here to discuss the history

of the ASPCA for animals.

Meow.

- (Mews)
- (Cups clink)

So in , this man, Henry Bergh,

he had been appointed
to a diplomatic post

in Saint Petersburg; that's when he sees

this guy b*ating up a donkey.

Sir, what are you doing, you know?

And the man was like...

(Russian accent) I am b*ating up donkey.

(Unaccented) With no shame.

Henry was like, you can't do that, man!

The Russian is like...
(Russian accent) No,

there's no laws. I don't
have to do anything

you or anyone says,
because it is just donkey;

it has no feeling.
(Unaccented) Meanwhile,

the donkey's, like, weeping, being like,

(Crying) I just really wish
somebody cared about me.

And Henry was like, I'm
gonna go back to the States

and make sure this sh*t is
a no-fly zone from now on.

That kind of was the birthplace

of this new organization
that he wanted to start,

the ASPCA,

which stands for the American Society

for the Prevention of
Cruelty to Animals.

April , , the ASPCA
is officially incorporated

by the New York State Legislature. Okay?

This guy, he doesn't just stop

at getting a law or two written.

He goes out on the streets, man.

He'll be like, (british accent) Stop!

(Unaccented) Wait, he's
American. He'd be like,

You cannot possibly make that horse

walk any more tonight.

And, you know, the New
Yorkers are like, what?

I'm walking my horse here,

and he's like, there's
a new guy in town.

It's me. You're out.

Take the horse to bed. (Belches)

He's also... be like, oh.

Excuse me. How full is that cow?

Hmm. That's... udder is
looking a little swollen,

and they're like, yeah, what
do you have to say about it?

And he's like, here's
what I have to say.

And he, like, unfurls the,
you know, law at them,

and he goes, get on your g*dd*mn knees

and milk it, bitch, and he
makes them get on their knee

and milk the cow in
front of the whole street,

and it is so sick.

At this time, there was
a whole group of people

where one of their main
sources of entertainment

is these rat and dog fights.

So, obviously, Henry
Bergh's like, no chance.

Within a year, by ,

he'd eradicated all dog and rat fighting

from the whole New York area,

except for this one little hotspot

called Sportsman's Hall,

that this man, Kit Burns, ran.

He would have his son-in-law
biting rats' heads off,

you know, for a quarter.

They've done tons of police raids.

When the cops come in,
Kit shuts off the lights.

He's got a tunnel in the back of his bar

where he can shove everybody out.

Everybody was getting
away. (Drink sloshes)

- You just spilled a little...
- Spilled some on the floor.

It's a classic bit.

You enjoy that drink.
I just gave you a drink.

Enjoy your drink Derek,
just zoom it up...

Ma'am. Ma'am. Let me do this.

No, but I was...

What?

Hey, I do a pretty good...

I do a pretty good dog. You ready?

Yeah. Ready? What do I say?

- Go. Go be a good boy.
- (Growls)

- No.
- (Barks)

- No! (Laughs)
- (Growls)

Go, go... good boy! Go be a good boy.

What does that mean?

- Take the trash out?
- It's that way.

(Laughs) Take your sh*t over that way.

- You little pig-dog.
- All right.

And let me talk about
what I need to talk about.

So on November , ,
Henry goes down there.

He adopts an English
persona and he acts, like...

(Cockney accent) 'Ello.
I'm here to watch

a couple mice, you know,
meet an unattractive end.

(Unaccented) Kit's
there, and he's like...

(Cockney accent) Wait, come on in, then.

(Unaccented) That's
the incorrect accent,

but you understand.
He comes... you know...

He says in his Irish accent,

come on in here, you know,

we'll get you a nice seat and a nice...

(Irish accent) Pint o' whiskey,

and we'll sit you down, and you can

cheer on the rats getting
their heads bitten off.

(Unaccented) Henry kind of cringes,

and he's like, all
right, yeah, sit me down.

So he's sitting in there,

and, uh, they release the dogs.

The dog starts ripping
off the heads of the rats.

(Jaunty fiddle music)

So the dogs eat rats.

Yes. That's what rat fighting is.

It's not rats against rats.

It's how much dog can eat a rat?

How many rats can a
dog eat in one minute?

Disgusting.

- It's pretty [bleep] up.
- Yeah.

And then finally, he's
like, [bleep] this.

We gotta get the cops in here.

You know, he speaks into his little...

(Laughs) Technology bracelet
that doesn't exist yet,

and he's like, go, go, go. Get in here.

And so, like, the cops
all come, and, of course,

all the people that go
to these things are like,

oh, well, excuse us, we'll
just run to the tunnel.

Not this time... Bergh
had cops stationed

at the outside of the
tunnel and at the entrance.

Kit's like, ha-ha, I've
dealt with this before,

but when he goes to shut off the lights,

Henry pulls out from his giant coat

a lantern. Aha!

And he kind of, like, puts
it in everybody's faces,

and he's like, you're going down,

and you're going down,
and you're going down,

and you're definitely going down,

kind of wiggling the
lantern in their face.

Henry Bergh made a statement:

We're not gonna take it.

We're not gonna let you treat

animals this way anymore.

Um, they are to be respected

and to be treated well, and to this day,

the ASPCA is still, like,

the leading organization in
protecting animals' rights,

and so... he's my Man Crush Monday.

- Oh, wow.
- Yeah.

- It's Friday.
- Is it?

I love drinking, and I love history.

Is there anything left?

- No.
- No, right?

(Laughs)

- Thank you, Mae.
- Love you. (Laughs)

Mae Mae!

Cheers.

There a French fry in there?

- Mm... Yeah.
- (Laughter)

(Stately music)

(Sighs) Stay tuned for more

- "Drunk History Animals."
- (Laughs)

Roar!

Oh, I... I didn't know what to do.

That was dumb.

♪♪

Now, what's your favorite animal?

My name is Rich Fulcher,

and if I were to marry one animal,

it'd be a sheep.

Why? What... what is it
about sheep that you love?

- They're so available.
- (Laughs)

Hello. I'm Rich Fulcher

and today, we're going to talk about

a smart-ass horse.

(Scholarly piano music)

Our story begins in , in Berlin.

Wilhelm von Osten is a high school...

animal teacher.

No, Wilhelm van Osten is a high school

math teacher who loves animals.

He says, I love animals so much.

I'm gonna prove animals are intelligent

by teaching them math.

First, he says,

I think I'll try a cat.

Meow, uh, two plus meow.

Yeah, forget it.

Then he tries a bear.

Roar.

Roar, agh, agh.

- I just want garbage.
- (Laughs)

Then he finds this horse named Hans.

And he goes, horses!

That's the way to go! Horses!

So van Osten starts teaching
the horse to tap out numbers.

Tap, tap, tap.

That's three.

Tap, tap, tap, tap.

- That's more than three.
- (Laughs)

Van Osten starts teaching the horse

simple math problems.

He would do eight minus two.

(Neighs) Two, three,

four, five,

six.

And van Osten is like,

oh, my God, this horse
is a [bleep] genius.

So van Osten takes Hans

on a tour of Germany.

Step right up!

See the amazing horse that can do math.

And the crowds are loving Clever Hans.

Like, oh, my God, this
horse can do clever math.

This is the horse, of course, of course.

This horse is so much better
than our wedding present.

(Laughs)

Some people in the
audience didn't believe it.

And they're going, this is a trick.

That's not real.

This argument over Clever
Hans got so intense,

Germany said, we're gonna create

a commission to investigate this.

So they tested Clever Hans
without van Osten present.

And Clever Hans answered
all the questions.

The commission was like,
this horse is the real deal,

and he's counting like a pro.

But this psychologist, whose
name was Oskar Pfungst,

he was still suspicious of Cloz...

Clozer Hans.

I still don't think

this horse is doing math.

I'm gonna run some tests of my own.

So he puts Clever Hans
in front of a chalkboard,

and he says, move back, Hans, back up.

Come on, man.

And Hans moves back.

So Oskar writes an
equation on the board,

like six minus three,

and Hans stomps out five.

(Five knocks)

Oskar gets like, uh!

Something is not going a right that.

You okay?

Rich?

Something is not right here.

The farther away he gets,

the worse he gets at answering.

So he decides to put on
a horse costume himself.

He invites people in.

He says come on. Teach me.

I'm a horse.

He starts to see something.

Like, ooh.

Oh, I see what's happening here.

Someone is giving... (Stammers)

Fugul.

Fugul?

Fugul.

- Fugul.
- No, sorry.

Oskar realizes

he's not really doing math at all.

He's responding to people's facial cues.

He's just, mmm, going
through the motions.

(Emotional music)

If you could teach a horse anything,

- what would you teach it?
- How to go to water.

(Laughs)

They don't know how to go to water.

They are just, like, clueless.

Oskar announces to the
world his discovery.

He's not doing math,

but he's doing something
even more interesting.

He's reading facial cues.

And the world was like, boo!

[bleep] you! We don't care!

We love Clever Hans! He loves math!

You [bleep].

Van Osten ignores Oskar's research.

I don't care what you say, Oskar.

I'm taking Clever Hans on tour again.

Come on, Hans. Let's get
your ass... (Hiccups)

In gear and into the car.

I've got, um, the shotgun.

And so Clever Hans becomes...

(Slurred) the most famous herth...

on the world.

This horse is on the front page

of "The New York Times."

How many [bleep] horses do you know

that are on "The New York Times"?

Because of Oskar, psychologists now know

people give off subtle
physical information.

To this day, that is known
as the Clever Hans effect.

He was like, there was...(Grumbles)

Like, dump...

Dumper.

(Snores)

(Snoring)

(Snoring continues)

(Mumbles)

- Morning.
- Sha-bah-bah-wah.

Sha-bah-bah-wah.

Yeah.

(Triumphant music)

♪♪

(Stately music)

♪♪

("Drunk History" theme song plays)

♪♪