05x11 - The Middle Ages

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

Joan of Arc is like,

we are going to just

freaking... Ugh.

I hate it when people say "freaking."

God, the Middle Ages.

I'm glad we're not in them.

They sort of are co-ruling in this time.

Temujin and Jamukha

they're at odds.

Man, this must be so hard.

Mansa Musa spends so much gold

that it has caused inflation.
This is the richest man

that has ever walked the Earth,

and you've never heard of him.

It sucks, being the king, sometimes.

(Patriotic music)

(Trumpet fanfare)

Tonight we're drinking old fashioneds.

Do you ever do the orange slices?

No.

There's an onion.

Would that be...

- No, no you don't want to do that.
- Okay.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

To Joan.

To Joan.

(Plucked string music)

You don't like it.

No.

(Laughs) Okay.

Okay. (Clears throat)

Hello.

I'm Hillary Anne Matthews,

and today, we're going
to talk about Joan of Arc.

Our story begins in France,

in the year .

The Hundred Years' w*r
is raging in Europe

in between France and England.

So Joan of Arc was a peasant girl.

She's years old, she's in a field,

but then, all of a
sudden, she hears voices.

We have a mission for you.

And she was like...

(Squeaking) What?

(Normally) Who even are you guys?

And they were like, I'm St. Michael,

I'm St. Margaret,

and I'm St. Catherine,

and they're like,

all we want is for you to go to church

and just, like, be cool
and chill and obedient.

She's like, that's it?

And they're like, yeah, that's it.

The King of France was King Charles VI.

People around him get him
to sign a peace treaty

that will end the Hundred Years' w*r.

He has a son, also named Charles...

Charles of Valois...

also called "the Dauphin."

So when his father

signed this peace treaty,

it was disinheriting
him from the throne.

(Dramatic music)

Gosh darn it!

It's just one little drop.

It's been happening this whole time.

(Chuckles)

Okay. So, Joan is now a
-year-old girl in a ...

(Fly buzzes)

In a -year-old world

and these voices, they're like,

hey, girl, you need to
lead France to victory

and get Charles Valois crowned

as the rightful King of France,

and she was like, ha!

You guys!

That's not what you told me
the first time, you guys.

They're like, you need to
go to this lord gentleman

named Baudricourt.

He's gonna help you get Charles crowned.

Then she runs away from home

to Lord Baudricourt.

She arrives, and Joan's
like, hello, I am Joan,

and I am here because

v... saints talked to me in my head

and it is God's will to
have Charles of Valois

crowned the rightful King of France.

And Lord Baudricourt
is straight-up like,

(Spoken as teenage
girl) Get this crazy girl

back to her home,

but like then, what happens is that

she gets, kind of like, a following.

People have heard about Joan of Arc,

and they are on board.

Lord Baudricourt is like,

okay, well, actually,
we can work with this,

and Joan's like,

cut off my hair and
dress me in men's clothes

so I don't get r*ped,
and he's like, okay.

Because it was really dangerous

'cause she's a woman.

Ugh. God, the Middle Ages.

I'm glad we're not in them.

Amen.

Too harsh to women,

and the breath was bad.

(Chuckles)

So they arrive at Chinon, and
Charles of Valois is like,

um, wait, who's here?

And they're like, a -year-old girl

who hears the voices of saints,

and he's like, okay, you know what?

Here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna put on this big goofy mustache

and this big floppy hat

and I'm gonna trick her

and I'm gonna see if
she knows what's up.

And so, he's just, like,

(Goofy voice) I'm just a courtier,

I'm just a regular old courtier,

and she walks in, and she's like...

(Sighs)

You're Charles of Valois.

You are my rightful king.

He's like, wow.

(Claps slowly)

Slow clap.

He slow claps her.

Can you believe that he slow claps her?

The first slow clap.

Yeah, it was the first slow clap.

And so, he's like, great!

Because we want the same thing,

which is for me to be King of France.

So Joan was like,

okay, dude, give me an army.

I want that army.

Ooh, give me that army!

And he's like, okay, guess what?

Army bestowed.

(Triumphant music)

She sets out with this army to Orleans.

So they get there

and they were like,
okay, here's what's up.

We have to strategize.

We have to think about this logically.

We have to make plans,
and Joan was like,

Guess the f*ck what?

No!

We got to just go for it, you guys!

Only 'cause God wants us to do it.

And they're like, oh, my gosh, God?

Yeah, he's the tops.

We are going to just

freaking... Ugh.

I hate it when people say "freaking."

Then say it differently.

So then they just f*cking

go for it

and they are like,
attacking and attacking,

and attacking the English,

and Joan is in the thick of it,

and she is not shying away,

and then thwup!

She gets hit in the
shoulder with an arrow.

But here's what's amazing,
the English surrender,

and they're like, fine!

White handkerchief.

White handkerchief.

You do "handkercheef"
instead of "handkerchif."

Yes.

- Hm.
- Handkercheef.

Handkerchief.

Yeah, I do.

Okay.

And everyone's like, we did it!

And we did it because Joan of Arc

led us to this point!

(Triumphant music)

Charles of Valois, the Dauphin,

is crowned King of France

and everyone's like, yay.

(Quietly clapping)

(Laughs)

Then, Charles of Valois is like,

now I want you to go to
Paris and take Paris.

She's like, cool, I'll do it!

So Joan goes to Paris

and she sh**t a bunch of arrows

Waa! (Makes popping noise)
Waa! (Makes popping noise)

So in the midst of this battle,

Joan is captured, and they're like,

we got you!

Ooh, did we ever get you!

You are marins wen's clo...

You are wearing men's
clothes, and now, girlfriend,

that means you got to
be b*rned at the stake,

and she's like,

f*ck.

Joan of Arc, years old,
is put onto a wooden stake,

and then, um, they light it on fire.

Phew!

And then she starts
calling out for her saints,

and she's like, St. Michael,

the big kahuna of saints, St. Michael!

St. Margaret!

Okay, St. Catherine!

St. Catherine, St. Margaret,

St. Catherine, St.
Michael, St. Margaret,

St. Catherine!

It's like, cricket, cricket, cricket,

and everybody's just watching
this -year-old woman

just get burnt alive at the stake.

So then Joan... she dies.

The end.

Is it redundant to believe
in your own beliefs?

I don't care, and neither did Joan.

Here's the thing
about -year-olds.

At that time,

standing in a field, blinking.

At this time,

looking at Instagram, blinking.

Joan of Arc,

leading an army!

(Chuckles)

I'm not saying you
need to aspire to more,

but, like, maybe aspire to more.

Like, maybe lead an army or two

or one or two.

(Dramatic tone)

(Dramatic music)

How do you feel you would be

in the Middle Ages?

I would be pretty bad, I think.

I don't think I could survive.

I think I have the mind to survive,

but I don't think I
have the physical body

to survive the Middle Ages.

Yeah.

Like, I don't think I could ride a horse

or sh**t an arrow, or
even pick up a heavy sword.

Probably that'd be problem.

But that's how to survive.

- That's everything.
- So don't you think, like,

- you would force yourself.
- Maybe I'd figure it out.

You would just have to do it.

(Sighs) Well...

I don't know, man.

I really... I get a lot of delivery.

You do a lot of Postmates?

I do a lot of Postmates.

(Stifled laugh)

Hi, I'm Shaun Diston, and today,

we're gonna be talking about Temujin.

You might not know that name right now,

but, ooh, listen... listen
forward, and you will

get to know it a little bit later.

(Laughs)

Mm.

So our story begins with

a young child whose name is Temujin.

He was born in a mid-level clan

in the Mongol tribe,

and very early on in Temujin's life,

he meets this kid named Jamukha

who he grew up with

and is like, we live in the same place

we're at the same station in life.

Let's be blood brothers.

So they become blood
brothers and eventually

Temujin and Jamukha

both become, like, tribal leaders,

and they sort of rise to power

from those ashes of poverty
that they came out of before,

and at age ,

Temujin marries Borte,

who he was betrothed to by his father,

but very quickly after that,

she gets kidnapped by the Merkit tribe.

So Temujin asks Jamukha for help,

and he says, hey, I need you

because the Merkit
have kidnapped my wife,

and Jamukha's like, yeah,
we're blood brothers,

and I'm going to help you get your wife.

(Dramatic music)

It takes, like, months and months...

almost a year...

and so Temujin gets his wife back,

and they're like, here's a belt.

We're brothers.

It's like a friendship belt,

and this will last forever.

And, you know, they
sort of are co-ruling

in this time.

One of the things that
made Temujin different

from Ongol...

Oof.

Sorry, hold on.

(Laughs)

So one of the things that
made Temujin different

from other Mongol leaders

is he appointed people,
uh, through merit,

and not just through family bonds,

and that started to make
his army super-efficient,

and it sort of changed
the way Mongols ruled,

and that started to
conflict with Jamukha.

So Temujin and Jamukha at are a...

at are at odds since then.

They're at odds.

They're at odds.

Okay, so they are on this
path to this huge civil w*r.

Temujin amasses a force
of over , men.

They call it "The Battle
of the Sides."

Temujin's forces and
Jamukha's forces clash

and they fight

and Temujin is victorious,

but Jamukha escapes.

He's wandering through the forest

and some of his own men find him

and they turn him over to Temujin,

and Temujin, in finding out
that his men betrayed him,

he's like, I'm a man of honor,

so you guys are gonna die,

and he kills the guys

who betray Jamukha

and him and Jamukha
sort of have this moment

where he's captured and Jamukha's like,

well, Temujin, you've won the w*r.

You've captured me.

What do you want to do?

And he says to Jamukha,

or Jamukay,

or John Binet.

(Chuckles)

You'll figure it out.

(Laughs)

He says, hey, we were
bro... blood brothers.

We were... we were blood brothers,

and we've had this w*r,

but I want to renew our
blood bro'ur... ou...

Phew.

Man, this must be so hard.

(Chortles)

So he says,

I want to renew our blood brother pact,

and Jamukha says no,

as there is only room
for one sun in the sky,

there is only room for one Mongol ruler,

and Jamukha says, I will die,

and requests an honorable death.

An honorable death here

means that no blood would be spilled.

So Temujin ordered his men,

hey, this is my blood brother,
but he's still my guy.

I want you to break his back.

And it was bittersweet,

because he had just
defeated the final rival,

but it was his blood brother,

who he considered his real brother,

and Temujin buries Jamukha
with that golden belt,

in a show of, like,

yes, you were a... a huge, like, d*ck,

but you were still my blood brother.

Shortly after that,
Temujin calls something

called a... a kurultai, which is, like,

the way they vote on who's
going to be the leader.

Temujin is greeted with
thousands of followers.

They all decided to vote him

as Chenghis Khan.

"Chenghis."

Chenghis Khan.

We call it Genghis Khan,

I think, just 'cause
we're, like, whatever.

We want to pronounce it however we want.

And it was kind of like
a "Lion King" moment,

where it was like, thousands of people

are watching this person
ascend into the sunlight.

And that is when he cemented himself

as the universal leader of the Mongols.

This is the origin story

of one of the most powerful
leaders in history,

and the entire story started

when he k*lled his blood brother.

Chenghis Khan went on to conquer

the largest land empire in history

so it's pretty crazy.

He m*rder*d millions of people,

and it was just like, I
guess I'm the ruler now.

Yeah, what's it worth?

What... what is it worth?

You got a lot of v*olence
in the back of that brain.

All I'm thinking about is m*rder.

It's pretty crazy.

Hey, you're watching "Drunk History"

on Comedy Central.

I'm too drunk.

(Dramatic tone)

(Dramatic tone)

So I'm making a drink called dawa.

It's Swahili for "medicine."

It's a little sweet.

So we got a little
honey, a little vodka,

a little lime juice.

Cheers to the Middle Ages,

and thank God we don't have
to live through that sh*t.

Yeah.

Times are tough, but
not Middle Age tough.

Uh-uh.

Not Middle Ages tough.

Let me get a drink real quick.

Okay.

(Chuckles)

Hello.

I'm Daryl Johnson,

and today you're going
to learn about Mansa Musa,

the richest person to
have ever walked the Earth.

A black man.

Ding.

So our story begins in Western Africa.

Mansa Musa inherits the
whole Malian Empire,

and he's like, well damn, I'm a boss.

I don't know if they knew
what bosses were back then,

but I would assume he
knew what a boss was.

(Laughter)

This guy's estimated net worth,

billion dollars.

#DaBoss

So Mansa was like, look,

I have all this wealth,

but what I really want to do

I want to make a pilgrimage to Mecca,

'cause that is the highest
level of my religion.

Uh, so his advisor's like,

oh, yeah, great, we'll get it ready,

and he was like, wait, hold up.

I don't want you to think
that this is a regular,

basic pilgrimage to Mecca.

We on that new-new,

and I gotta have, like,

, people,

and I want camels

and every camel to have
pounds of gold on it.

And so, in ,

Mansa Musa embarks on
his pilgrimage to Mecca.

Mansa Musa and his caravan,

The Mansa Musa and the Mussolinis...

No.

(Laughs)

I'm down with that.

Now, during his trek, Mansa
Musa arrives in Cairo.

This man shows up to a town that had

a couple hundred thousand
people already there,

and they see this man show
up with, like, , people,

and they're like, hey,
man, welcome to Cairo.

Uh, where... where all y'all gonna stay?

The only bed and breakfast
only got two bed.

And Mansa Musa's like, look, man,

I got my own tents,
my own crew, we good.

We're just gonna set up
on the outskirts of town,

we're gonna do a little shopping,

we're gonna hang, and they was like,

cool, come on in, Mansa.

We got you.

And at the time, uh,

the l... the... whoo.

Okay. Let me just take
a breath for a second.

You take a breath.

How many drinks have I had?

Huh, wait.

Okay, so he's summoned by the sultan,

al-Malik al-Nasir,

and then Mansa Musa
shows up and he's like,

hey, look, I'm gonna bow,
but I'm not bowing to you.

I'm bowing to Allah.

So the sultan was like, oh,

I'm impressed by this man's piousness,

and the sultan was like,

you know what, Mansa?

Come on in.

I got some gifts for you.

Here.

I got these two golden sheep,

and some geese,

and here's gold bars
and some gold coins,

and Mansa Musa was like,
uh, yeah, that's cool, man.

Hey.

Put that in the truck.

Oh. No, they had no trucks.

Wait.

Hey, man, put that in the camel.

So Mansa goes shopping,
uh, in the markets,

and he spent so much gold in the town

that it has caused inflation.

That's how rich he was.

I mean, this is crazy.

The currency has been devalued.

So now, uh, word has gotten
back to Sultan al-Nasir.

He was like, damn that Mansa Musa!

He has come here and ruined
the economy of my country.

I'ma find that bastard.

Where he at?

Somebody find Mansa Musa for me.

I don't know why my
voice just got this high.

(Laughs)

But Mansa Musa has
already gone to Mecca,

and he has prayed.

He was like, ah, this is great.

I have gone to Mecca

with the largest caravan of people

you will ever hear about.

They're gonna be talking
about me forever.

Wrong.

Ain't nobody told us about Mansa Musa.

(Laughter)

(Belches)

(Dramatic tone)

(Dramatic music)

All hail King Daryl,

da boss.

On your way.

Bring me grapes!

It sucks, being the king, sometimes.

No one's worthy of your presence.

(Laughter)

Okay.

So, on the way back,

he stops in Cairo
again, only to find out

that the sultan is angry,

and Mansa Musa was like,

look, I kinda thought this might happen,

but I have a solution.

I'm going to buy back
all of your currency

at a high interest rate
and stabilize your market.

The sultan was like, man,

that's actually a good plan.

I think it'll work.

So Mansa Musa

has stabilized the economy of Cairo,

and they hopped back on their camel

and they head on home.

They had a party, they built schools,

they built mosques.

So now, rumors have spread

all throughout the globe

that there is this rich king

who is making a , -mile trek

across the continent of Africa

with , people

and all this gold.

And that's how Mansa Musa
ended up on medieval maps.

There's a picture of a man
holding, like, a gold nugget,

and that is Mansa Musa.

This is the richest man that
has ever walked the Earth,

and you've never heard of him.

I mean, this is great information

for little brown kids
to hear stories about

how we weren't just slaves.

There were things that we were great at,

other things that we did

that were beneficial to the world.

Like, what?

Africa?

Rich people?

Man, get out of here.

They're all wearing, like,

tiger skins and sh*t,

and I be like, man, shut up.

(Laughs)

♪ One, two, three, four

♪ Mansa Musa's my king unh ♪

♪ Mansa Musa's the king
we got money, unh, ♪

♪ Women, unh ♪

♪ Camels, yup ♪

♪ We in the desert like whoa ♪

Is that crazy?

Mm-hm.

- Yeah.
- (Both laugh)

(Patriotic music)