05x12 - Death

[bunniefuu]

(Patriotic music)

So Meigs gives the order
to bury the dead

on Robert E. Lee's property.

(Burps)

Oh, boy.

We're gonna go kidnap

Abraham Lincoln's dead-ass body.

Is somebody having sex next to us?

Elmer McCurdy gets sh*t
in the chest... (blows raspberry)

and becomes the bandit
who wouldn't give up.

Oh...

♪♪

(Gospel music)

♪♪

Here we are.

All right.

Berg, we're still alive. Let's do this.

God, I spilled all over my crotch.

Christ.

Bourbon balls now.

(Slurps)

Hello, my name is Steve Berg,

and today we're gonna be
discussing General Meigs...

And the cemetery revenge.

Okay.

Let's take this back to

on the Harbor of St. Louis.

Montgomery Meigs entered

the United States Engineering Corps,

and one of the first gigs

was shadowing this big deal dude

named Robert E. Lee,

and Meigs is like, Oh, Robert E. Lee

is, like, kind of the cool quarterback.

He's, like, the dude.

He's handsome, he's a leader of men,

and he is the ideal of what
a Christian man should be.

And they worked together
the whole summer,

and they became tight,

like a tight-knit crew.

So in mid-May of ,

- the Civil "Ware"... the Civil w*r...
- (Laughs)

Was about to go down.

When Robert E. Lee says,
f*ck you, Union arm...

Union army, I'm going down to be the guy

behind the guys of the Confederate army.

I'm gonna go help out
a bunch of rednecks

who love sl*very

and help them do... do
a bunch of cool sh*t

that he thought was cool.

I don't think it's cool.

- Okay.
- So...

Montgomery Meigs gets so pissed off.

He's like, A guy I looked up to,

the guy who I modeled myself after,

turned out to be one
of the biggest traitors

since Benedict Arnold,

and now I'm fighting against him?

(Dramatic music)

Game on, brother.

Game on.

So at this time at the Lee estate,

Mary Lee, wife of Robert E. Lee,

was walking around her
beautiful rose garden.

She was like, This is my joint.

This is my... this is my thing.

This is my thing.

This is my thing I love.

I love this environment.

As far as the who, what, and where,

this is the "where" I want to be.

The "who" and the "what,"
that's gonna come later.

(Sniffs)

And Robert E. Lee is
like, Look, Mary, babe,

there's gonna be bloodshed,

brother upon brother type of sh*t,

so I'm gonna need you to wrap it all up

and get the hell out of there.

So Montgomery Meigs gets
made quartermaster general.

He takes his soldiers over the Potomac,

and they occupy the Lee residence

and make it kind of the
HQ of the Union army,

and he's like, Yeah, I'll
f*cking nail this job,

especially now that I'm so pissed off

at my mentor, f*cking Robert.

(Hiccups)

So in , General... (hiccups)

Oh, boy.

General Robert... (hiccups)

Oh, my God.

I love you, Steve.

So go ahead. So General Lee...

And Ulysses... (hiccups)

Ulysses S. Grant

begin their -day bloodbath m*ssacre.

, people are k*lled in one month.

Montgomery Meigs had to deal with

all the incoming Union dead soldiers,

so every soldier he has to bury

makes him angrier and
angrier at Robert Lee.

And all of a sudden out of nowhere,

he gets the dead body of his son.

(Somber music)

So Meigs has to bury him.

And Meigs is like...

(Mumbles)

Should never have to see your...

child go before you.

So Meigs, like a quasi-madman,

says, I want to make
sure that Robert E. Lee

can never come back,
and that if he does,

he sleeps among Union ghosts.

Capisce?

Haunting you, Robert E. Lee.

Meigs gives the order to his soldiers

to start burying the
dead on Lee's property,

and Meigs is so excited about this.

He's like, get those dudes
around the house, man,

around the porch, and dig a giant pit

right under Mary Lee's
beloved rose garden.

Sweet.

That's what we're doing.

That is the whole point
of this situation,

to f*ck their house.

It's a zombie playground.

(Hiccups) It's dark.

(Burps)

So the Civil w*r officially ends,

and Robert E. Lee and Mary Lee

find that their precious
land that they loved so much

had been turned into a graveyard.

(Dramatic music)

And they're like, Are you kidding me?

This guy.

Okay, fine.

Cool.

(Sighs)

Fine.

And do you know what that place became?

It became the Arlington
National Cemetery.

Really?

And Mary Lee's precious rose garden

became the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.

♪♪

How about that?

Wow.

Arlington National Cemetery,

the heartbeat of America.

(Sniffs)

The heartbeat?

That is weird, because there is

literally no heartbeats there.

(Both laughing)

Please let that be it.

Bergie, great job.

Thanks, man.

Arlington National Cemetery.

It's quite a tale.

Will you teach me some

of your language?

Yeah. Okay.

_

"Drunk History" with Derek Waters.

(Incoherent speech)

Derek Waters. (Laughs)

You tried.

I feel like my voice was offensive.

(Chuckles) Just don't say anything.

Okay.

I get that note a lot.

Okay, okay.

(Speaking Mandarin)

"Drunk History"

with Derek Waters.

(Hip hop music)

Mm.

♪♪

That's... (Chuckles)

What?

(Exhales)

Hello. My name is Jimmy O. Yang,

and today we're gonna
talk about the kidnapping

of Lincoln's body.

Mm.

(Chuckles)

That makes you thirsty, huh?

The story began in ...

no, wait.

, uh, in Chicago.

This dude, Big Jim Kennally,

had, like, the best counterfeiting ring

in Chicago.

But the real man behind the scene

was this guy named Boyd.

He was the guy that made the best press,

and his fake bills were so good

that people would look
at it and be like,

Yeah, it looks like real money to me.

But it's not. (Laughs)

So...

So they were making so much money

that the Fed finally
caught up with them,

and then Boyd took the heat.

And he went to jail.

And now Big Jim is like,

sh*t.

I just lost my guy.

I don't have my cash flow anymore.

What can I do about this?

So he went to the saloon

that he owned called The Hub,

and he talked to a couple of his g*ons

called Mullen and Hughes.

And he's like, Guys,

we're gonna go kidnap

Abraham Lincoln's dead-ass body.

Wow.

And we're gonna...

hold it for ransom

for Boyd's release from prison.

And grand.

Boom.

And then his buddies Mullen and Hughes

were like, Big Jim at it again

with the great ideas.

And in the midst of that conversation,

this other guy
named Lewis Swegles

came up to them and was like, Hey, guys.

You guys talking about stealing

Lincoln's body?

'Cause, um, I don't mean to brag, but...

I am the boss

of body-snatching.

So then Mullen and Hughes was like,

Whoa.

Swegles,

you seem like a legit guy.

Come on in in our crew.

And now Hughes, Mullen, and Swegles

are now in the kidnapping crew

of Lincoln's dead body.

But little did Hughes and Mullen know

that Swegles was actually

an informant for the new agency

called the Secret Service.

So he went back to the head

of the Secret Service Agency,

Patrick Tyrrell,

who was from the Tyrell
family of "Game of Thrones."

(Laughs)

Do you ever go outside?

Not really.

Mostly video games
and "Game of Thrones."

(Both laughing)

Okay.

So Swegles... he's like, Yo, Pat,

I got a scoop for you.

These guys are planning to k*ll

your dead president.

Well, you can't k*ll a dea... I'm sorry.

These guys are
plotting... (chuckles)

To kidnap your dead president.

(Burps)

You should go catch
their ass red-handed.

So Patrick Tyrrell,

he was super down with this.

He was like, Yes!

This is it.

If we protect the dead president,

that means we're protecting
the live president.

This the publicity we need

to cement ourselves

as the g*dd*mn Secret Service

of the United States of America.

(Dramatic music)

So Hughes, Mullen, and Swegles

went to the grave that night.

And the Secret Service
guys were all camped out

around the graveyard

to try to catch these guys red-handed.

And then when the three
guys got to Lincoln's grave

they're like, whoa...

♪♪

I guess this is how, like,
rich people bury themselves.

It's a mausoleum,

a sarcophagus,

and then a coffin.

Oh, sh*t. What should we do?

So Mullen took out his axe,

and he was like, I'm
just gonna bash this sh*t

and take Lincoln's body.

And then Swegles, obviously,

he didn't want to damage Lincoln's body.

He was like, whoa, whoa, guys.

You can't... you can't do that, dude.

You know, that's gonna alert...

uh, the graveyard owner,

and we'll have less time to run.

And then Mullen's like,

You know what?

You're right.

We're gonna do this...

slightly more...

What's the word?

Like, sophisticated?

Slightly more...

So sophis...

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You know what? You're right.

We're gonna do this with
a little more finesse.

So then Mullen

picked the padlock.

Right.

And then they got in the grave.

They're like, Okay. (Burps)

Let's, uh, try to lift it,

and then we just take the whole thing.

♪♪

And then they realized

they're all too weak to
lift the sarcophagus.

So they're like, sh*t.

We really...

were unprepared.

So Swegles is like, all right,

you know what, boys?

You know, I'm just gonna go outside,

smoke a cigarette, and think about this.

(Faint shrieking)

Is somebody having sex next to us?

Uh, it's definitely an animal.

I don't think it's sex.

It's an animal?

I think it's a coyote or a dog.

(Faint shrieking)

That's a sexy-ass coyote.

So Swegles used this opportunity

to signal Patrick Tyrrell

and the Secret Service guys.

So they all, like, tippy-toed in there.

But then this guy, George Hay,

was so stoked and nervous,

he fired his firearm on accident.

(Imitates g*nsh*t)

Whoops.

And everybody freaked out.

So Hughes and Mullen say, ah, sh*t.

We got to get out of here.

And all the Secret Service agents

start, like, f*ring in the dark.

They're like, boom.

Man, this is f*cking bullshit, dawg.

So by the time they
got to the mausoleum,

Mullen and Hughes has gotten away.

So it was a huge mess and the...

Secret Service guys are like,

Ah, sh*t.

We really f*cked this one up.

So Hughes and Mullen,

they didn't know it
was the Secret Service.

They just thought it was

some random dudes'
sh**t-out at a graveyard.

So they just went back to The Hub.

And they're just chilling.

And then the Secret Service

f*cking bust into the bar

and catch up with them.

So they're all patting

each other's backs.

They're like, we finally got

these f*cking assholes,

you know.

This is the establishment

of the Secret Service.

We're gonna protect presidents,

dead or alive,

for now...

♪♪

To eternity.

♪♪

So in the end,

to quote my grandfather...

_

Up, up, down, down, B,
A, B, A, select, start.

Sí, señor.

(Video game music)

Hello, I'm JD Ryznar.

Today I'm going to tell you the story

of Elmer McCurdy,

the bandit who wouldn't give up.

(Slurps)

Boy...

So where does our story begin?

This is gonna be great.

You guys, you're gonna nail this, okay?

I'm gonna go...

(Imitating whooshing)

And when I pull this back,

it's gonna be the past.

It's gonna be .

Ready?

Whoosh.

in Pawhuska, Oklahoma.

Elmer McCurdy

wanted to be a famous outlaw

like Bill Doolin of the Wild Bunch.

He was like, Ah, the Wild Bunch.

They did so many cool
robberies in the s,

and they were the sweetest
outlaws you could think of.

That's who I'm gonna be.

Let's find some crimes for me to do.

So he decided

to rob trains.

So he robs everybody in the train

and hides out.

But then the police show up,

and say, Hey, Elmer McCurdy,

we see you, and we're gonna
have a sh**t-out with you now.

And he's like, All right.

(Imitates g*nshots)

And the cops are like...

(Imitates g*nshots)

And he's like...

(Imitates g*nshots)

Elmer McCurdy gets sh*t in the chest.

(Blows raspberry)

And as he's dying, he goes,

Heh, heh, heh, heh, you just watch.

I'm the bandit who will

never give up.

And he dies.

Mm.

And they just take
him to the funeral home.

And Joseph Johnson,
the funeral director,

was like, Got an outlaw here.

It's .

People love outlaws.

So I'm gonna embalm this piece of sh*t.

Okay, so Joseph Johnson sets him up

in the back of his funeral home.

And he says to people,

Hey, everybody,

who wants to see a dead outlaw?

You put a nickel in the
dead outlaw's mouth,

you can look at him.

So people just coming back

to the back of his funeral home

and going like, Whoa.

It's a dead outlaw.

I'm putting this nickel
right in his mouth.

(Parlor music)

Best nickel I ever spent.

♪♪

The funeral director had Elmer McCurdy

in the back of his funeral parlor

for five years,

just making nickels hand over fist.

I got so many nickels.

(Chuckles) I'm payin' all my bills.

Nickels, nickels,

I'm rich with nickels.

(Both laughing)

A man throwing that
many nickels around...

can't go without drawing
too much attention

from other greedy people.

And so this dude comes by

and is like, oh, what's going on, bro?

I'm Elm... I'm...

Elmer McCurdy's brother.

I kind of want to give
him a proper burial

in uh, look,

California or wherever...

(Blows raspberry)

And the funeral director's like, well...

Made a lot of nickels.
That was cool.

I'm not gonna make many
arguments about that.

So turns out the guy who
took Elmer McCurdy's body

was not Elmer McCurdy's
brother as he had claimed.

It was actually

one of the Patterson brothers.

And the Patterson brothers

were taking this dead body

across a country

and were like, Hey, everybody,

come and check it out.

Hey, we got a cool wax figure

of Jesse James

and Bill Doolin from the Wild Bunch.

That's a cool bunch.

And then we also have a real dead body

of the bandit

who wouldn't give up.

And people were like,
Oh, a real dead body.

I'll pay a nickel, ¢.

And the Patterson brothers were like,

Cha-ching.

Money, money, money,
money, money, money, money.

Quarter, quarter, quarter, quarter,

quarter, quarter, quarter.

But...

after a while,

the Patterson brothers made their money

and then it... it just kind
of wore out its welcome.

So Patterson brothers
sell him to somebody else.

This dead body is being passed around.

And people are like, Listen.

We can't do too much

with this dead body anymore.

We're gonna cover
him in a bunch of wax

and we'll just put him in storage

in Hollywood.

(Blows raspberry)

(Dramatic music)

That was a great story.

No, it's...

the story's not over yet, Derek Waters.

I'm sorry.

The story gets cra...

The story gets crazy.

I'm gonna put a nickel

in Derek Waters' mouth

'cause that's what people did

to Elmer McCurdy.

(Upbeat piano music)

(Both laughing)

It's funny. It's fun.

That was fun to do.

That was worth a nickel.

Let me take that nickel
out of your mouth.

(Groans) That was more uncomfortable

as you taking it out.

I'm gonna put it in your mouth again.

What a delight!

This is great.

Where was I?

(Laughs)

Okay, so Elmer
McCurdy's body spent...

years in storage.

And then there was this amusement park

in Long Beach, California,

that was like, we need a spooky thing

for our spooky house.

So they took this thing,
and they hung it up.

And they painted it bright orange.

(Dramatic music)

So now it's

when a production of "The
Six Million Dollar Man"

came to the funhouse.

And they're like, It'd be cool

if the Six Million Dollar Man

came through the funhouse
and got spooked by a thing.

But that mummy right there in the noose?

That's not spooky.

We need to get something
spookier than this.

Let's strike that.

That means "move it"

in making movies.

So the moving-the-things guy

goes and moves the thing,

and the arm falls off.

(Blows raspberry)

And the guy looks at the arm

and was like,

It's a... there's a bone!

It's a real human hand.

It's a bone in here.

Ah, this is a real dead body.

I'm scared of this.

So...

the ambulance comes, and...

the coroner takes a look at it,

examines it very closely,

and was like,

Wait, there's a bunch of
nickels in this guy's mouth.

He has a bunch of
carnival sideshow stubs

shoved into his coat.

We got a b*llet wound in his chest.

We've got some certain
scars on this and that.

Oh, this is shitty Elmer McCurdy,

the outlaw who wanted
to be a cooler outlaw.

Oh, well, that's who it is.

So once they found out
it was a real dude...

they shipped him back to Oklahoma,

and they had a big funeral for him.

people showed up.

And they buried him right
next to Bill Doolin,

and he looks at Bill
Doolin's grave and he's like,

I'm a big fan of yours.

And then Bill Doolin's ghost says,

You're just a ghost
talking to a grave, dude.

Uh, you're a shitty outlaw.

Eat a d*ck.

But Elmer McCurdy was the bandit

who wouldn't give up,

until he had a reputation
as a sweet bandit,

and that's what he got.

Not bad, Elmer McCurdy...

Not bad.

That's... that makes
me have hope for America

that, like, you could
really make it here...

as a dead body for years.

(Chuckles)

Who you winking at?

Amer... I was winking at America.

♪♪