05x13 - Halloween

Episode transcripts for the TV Show "Drunk History". Aired: July 2013 to August 2019.
"Drunk History" is presented by an inebriated narrator struggling to recount events from American history, while A-list talent perform historical reenactments.
Post Reply

05x13 - Halloween

Post by bunniefuu »

(Patriotic music)

So Giles Corey decides,
my wife is not a witch.

And the sheriff is like,

I'm crushing you! You're a witch!

Halloween in the early th
century was a straight up...

just bad. And Elizabeth Krebs is like,

How could these kids
even have it in them

to take a piss on everything?

And Dracula is like, let's have a party!

And he impales everybody.




(Spooky music)


Oh, wait.

- What?
- Well...

You're taking your glasses
off, what are you doing?

I have to put on my prescription.


Oh, yes, please.

- Drink-or-treat.
- It's very spooky.


Is this stupid?

Yeah, but...

If we don't act stupid, how will
we ever learn how to be smart?

Hello. I'm Allan McLeod,

and today we're gonna tell the story

of the curse of Giles Corey.



Our story begins in
Salem, Massachusetts.

The Puritans had just
settled the colony,

and they were very
much into biblical law.

So, a bunch of girls
started acting erratically.

And a doctor checked
them out and he said,

These girls are bewi... bewitched!

And thus began the Salem witch trials.




So, these witch trials start.

And Martha and Giles Corey are
just, like, eating popcorn,

and enjoying themselves,
and they're goi...

and they're... and
they're excited about it,

and they're like, oh, I love you, honey,

and we're at the witch
trials, and isn't it fun

that there might be witches among us?

So, the Puritans were
not very scientific.

You would have to, like, pee into a cup,

and then they would,
like, pour the pee into,

like, a cake, and then a dog
would have to eat the cake

and then, if [bleep] the
person who peed into the cake

felt pain when the dog ate the cake,

then that person was a witch.

And Martha's like, that
doesn't make any sense

as far as, like, judging
whether you're a witch or not.

And so, Ann Putnam was like,

you're a witch because
you're criticizing us.

And so, Sheriff George
Corwin came in and was like,

if you're accused of being a witch,

you're gonna get hung and that's it.

The trial is... is
arbitrary. It's not really...


- Ooh, excuse me.
- Was that...

What was that?

Phew, it's a little something coming up.


- It's all good.
- Okay good.

Martha Corey goes to trial,

and Giles Corey was just
swept up in the hysteria

of the whole thing and he's like,

well, our cat died and that
could be a sign of a witch.

And also, my ox has
been having some issues.

- (Laughs)
- So...

she could be a witch.
I mean, I don't know!

But she could be a witch.

Well, then, Martha goes to jail,
and... (hiccup) and, uh...

Giles was like, I've been
caught up in the whole mania

of the Salem witch trials,
and I need to relax

and come to my senses,
and now that I've come

to my senses I realize
my wife is not a witch.

And I... I was... telling
tales out of school.

And everybody's like, so wait a second.

You're doubting us, and
you're questioning us, like...

That means you're a witch!

And then Giles was like... (hiccup)

- Ugh.
- (Laughs)

These [bleep] hiccups, dude.

- Don't worry about them.
- All right. We're good.

- (Hiccup)
- (Laughs)

And so, Sheriff Corwin
comes in, he says,

all right, well, it's time
for me to t*rture you, baby.

And my choice of t*rture
is pien de forte...

Oh, [bleep]. Pien... Will Forte.

God damn it.

Pier de tortogotortutu... (Laughs)


So, Giles Corey was
given the sentence of

peine forte et dure,
and that basically meant

we're gonna put this board on you

and then we're gonna put a
bunch of rocks on top of you

and crush you until you
plead guilty or not guilty.

So, they start putting rocks on him

and start pressing on him.

(Laughs) Wait. We'll
crush you the right way.

- Oh. No.
- (Laughs)

- That's an ironing board.
- Come on!

(Laughing) That's not what they had.

That is not what they had, Allan.

Don't... oh, [bleep] me!

- It hurts?
- I'm... yes, it hurts!


You're a body on top of a body.

Okay. Anyway.

The sheriff is like, I'm crushing you!

You're a witch!

I'm not a witch.


- Are you kissing me?
- (Laughs)

(Laughing) Allan.

Anyway, all that Giles says to them...

More weight. I can take it.

More weight!

Oh, is that the biggest,
heaviest rock you got?

More weight! Ahh!

So, for two days, Giles
Corey is being crushed there.

And it got so bad that
Giles Corey's eyes were

bulging out of his head,
and his tongue was just

outside of his mouth.

Sheriff Corwin has to come
over there and put them back in

with the tip of his cane. And he's like,

Hey, why don't you
confess to being a witch?

And then Giles is like,

you can k*ll me now, but
I promise I'd curse you.

I... (hiccup) I curse
you, Sherin Curfwin.

I curse you, Sheriff Corwin. (Hiccup)

I curse you... Salem!

And I have the hiccups, but I curse you

'cause I'm being crushed. (Hiccup)

And you'll understand this later.

Sorry. Bye.

Giles Corey's death was so gruesome,

that it led to the end of
the Salem witch trials.

And then four years
later, Sheriff Corwin died

of a heart att*ck.

Obviously they can't trace it back to

you know, the curse, but...

We all know it was the [bleep] curse.


So, in ,

Sheriff Robert Cahill had a heart att*ck

and was like, uh, I
should do some research

on this curse that was
put on us by Giles.

And he found that every
sheriff in Salem had

a heart att*ck or a stroke.

And he's like, oh, shit!

That (hiccup) curse was real!

And I was like, that
was a real-ass curse.

So they move the Sheriff's
Department out of...

(hiccup) Salem. (Laughing)

(Laughing) This is one
of the untold stories

of the (hiccup) you
know, Salem witch trials.

Can I press you real quick?

I could die.

- (Screams)
- (Laughs)


- How's that feel?
- (Coughing)

Ugh. I'm paral...
(hiccup) I'm paralyzed.

Hello. I'm Tess Lynch,

and tonight we're going to learn
about the mother of Halloween.

(Dark chuckle)

Mrs. Elizabeth Krebs.



(Continues cackling)

Freaking me out.

- You're freaking me out.
- Wow.

In the early decades
of the th century,

Halloween was celebrated
in a far different way.

This was in Hiawatha, Kansas,

and groups of kids
would gather together,

wear masks and they would
just, like, destroy shit.

And they're like, oh,
sh**t, an outhouse.

What're we gonna do to that outhouse?

Tip it the hell over,
yeah, that's right.

And then they would set it on
f*re and then they'd laugh.

And then before you know it,
the entire town is just like,

turned-over outhouses,
beheaded chickens,

babies punched in the head.

The kids... the hooligans are like,

I'm a... I'm a boy with a
penis. I'm peeing in the hole!

Devil's night, mother [bleep].

That's scary.

It's terrible. It's just, like...

It's just terrible.

So, on the morning of
November st, ,

day after Halloween, obviously,

Elizabeth Krebs, founder of
the Hiawatha Garden Club,

wakes up, parts the curtains,

and saw her garden was
completely [bleep] up.

And she's like, (in
accent) this is insane!

The heirloom roses... (whooshes)

The asters... (whooshes)

The, like, gourds... (whoosh)

And she's like, what's
wrong with these kids?

What do they need?

You know what I think they need

is a party.

Burn off that demon-ous energy.

Is that a word?


Anyway, listen.

October st, .
Elizabeth Krebs is like,

I'ma have a... I'm gonna
have a decent-sized party.

Not a big party. Who am
I? The King of Rome? No.

So, she does it.

And then the neighborhood
kids come, they're like,

hey, pretty cool party, Mrs. Krebs!

Bobbing for apples, like, I'm
MVP of bobbing for apples.

And then it just keeps going,
like, ad nauseam on repeat

until the end of... of the evening.

So, Elizabeth Krebs is like,

I have a feeling this
is really gonna work.

I've exhausted this youthful
population to the point where

they can't do shit. This is awesome.

So, she goes to bed,

wakes up the next morning,
November st, ,

parts the curtains...

but everything's leveled again.

And Elizabeth Krebs is like,

no shit! Are you kidding me?

And look at that. A
mail truck's on f*re.

Someone's waiting for a postcard

that's never gonna arrive
because that mail truck

got lit the [bleep] on f*re.

And she's like, I had
this decent-sized party.

How could these kids
even have it in them

to take a piss on everything?

But then, Elizabeth Krebs is like,

you know what? (Snaps fingers)

I got an idea.

So, she goes home.

And Elizabeth Krebs
spends the entire next year

planning for this party.

And she devoted all of
her own time and resources

and money into making
a [bleep] huge rager.

(Gulps) Oh, I spilled.

Happy Halloween.

And now look...

- for the whole rest of it.
- What happened?

I dribbled, man. I [bleep] dribbled.

- (Laughs)
- So...

It is October st, .
She's waiting at town square.

And eventually... poof-poof-poof-poof.

What's that? Kids in costumes

trickling in to the town square,

ready to [bleep] rage.

And she's like, thank God because

I knew this was gonna
be a thing and it was.

So, these kids... these hooligans

are at this party and band
comes in, starts playing.

♪♪ Too-too-too-too... ♪♪

That's... felt weak sauce.

(Laughs) Was that weak sauce?

- I love that song.
- So, anyway.

The hooligans are like,
hey man, I'm pretty shocked

that old Mrs. Krebs is throwing, like,

the [bleep] coolest party I
ever seen in Hiawatha, Kansas.

And so, everybody gets marched down

to the Armstrong opera house.
And Elizabeth Krebs is like,

Yo, that's a long way and those kids

are gonna be [bleep] tired
by the time they get there.

And they're actually
really enjoying themselves.

And they're like, man, this is my jam.

This is "Danny Boy." This
is top of the charts.

So, the band keeps
playing, playing, playing

until these kids are, like, zombified.

It's, like, "Thriller."

And Elizabeth Krebs is like,
that's good. I like that.

I like that.

So, she goes home, she goes to bed,

wakes up next morning,
November st, ,

What does she see?

How's her garden looking, Derek?

I'm not sure. I'm a little worried

that it's gonna be destroyed.



She looks out. And she's like,

Asters, right there.
Heirloom roses, right there.

[Bleep] gourds, boom.

It's like, all the shit is lined up.

It's exactly as it should be.

People are in awe of her. They're like,

Elizabeth, nobody destroyed my house.

Nobody broke my windows.

Chief of police comes up.

Thank you, Elizabeth Krebs.

Thank you, because guess what?

Vandalism reports? (Whooshes)
Way down precipitously.

And actually, nobody was up to anything

other than partying at
your [bleep] rager.

She's like, [bleep] damn straight.

And he's like,

we're gonna keep this tradition rolling

pretty much forever.

She's like, sounds good.

So, it changed the way we
celebrate Halloween here

and everywhere.

That was all because one woman...

Elizabeth Krebs said,
Halloween is not about

turning over outhouses to
put poo on people's lawns.

It is about dressing up really cute,

getting a shit-ton of candy.


Oh, shit. This is like...

Real serious makeup.

This is my favorite
Halloween, by the way.

'Cause I've never liked
Halloween. (Laughs)

Me too. I think you're looking good.

I think I've pretty much
handled it at this point.

(Laughs) I think I pretty
much got to the bottom of it.

Is it all gone?

- There we go.
- (Laughs)

That's really good.
You looking good, dude.

I like it. I like it a lot.

So, this is premium kosher slivovitz.

The drink from Dracula.

- Yeah. Cheers.
- Mmm.

- Mmm.
- (Garbled speech)

- Hmm?
- (Clears throat)


It's so hard to get in your
mouth with these teeth in.

That went mo... that
went a lot in my nose.


I'm Greg Tuculescu.

And today...


Today we're gonna talk
about Vlad the Impaler.

The real man behind...


So, it's ,

and Vlad III from Wallachia

is a political prisoner
in the Ottoman Empire.

And Vlad is like, I
wanna go back to my dad.

I'm a prince! I'm an heir to the throne!

And Radu, Vlad's brother, is like,

I kinda like it here.

I really like the salt
and sun and Memed II.

And Memed's like, I like you too.

And then, out of nowhere
this boyar shows up.

This nobleman.

And he's breathless,
and he's like, Vlad!

I have bad news. Your father is d*ad.

He's d*ad. He was
k*lled by rival boyars.

And Vlad is like,

I'd like to avenge my
father's death, please.

Can you please release me?

And they're like, (belches) okay.

But Radu's gonna stay
here if that's cool.

And Radu's like, yeah, I love it here.

So, um, he rides to Wallachia,

kicks down the door, and he's like,

you ain't gonna take away our freedoms.

- (Giggles)
- (Loud thud)

Ohh. Watch that head.


Anyway. He's like, sweet.

I'm pretty much prince of Wallachia.

Let's have a partaaay!

And he invites all these boyars.

He's like, guys, let's
[bleep] bury the hatchet.

I know you k*lled my
father. That's fine.

You don't worry... but
don't worry about it.

You k*lled my dad. That's okay.

So the boyars are like,

we'll [bleep] do whatever
you feel like is good.

They like, drink and have a great time.

Uh... (giggles)

And then they're gonna
leave, and they're like,

great, thank you so much,
but we had such a great time.

We're gonna head out.

And Vlad's like, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Shut the doors.

(Doors slamming)

All the boyars are like, wait, what?

So, Vlad's like, you
know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna take a stake
that's like sharpened

almost to a point... kind of.

Not to a point. A little rounded.

And I'm gonna shove it up your butthole.

And then I'm gonna, like,
go into your esophagus,

and then I'm gonna
stick it out your mouth.

(Whispers) I'm going to impale you.

And he does that to boyars.

It's... (laughs)

It's [bleep] sadistic.

And he impaled [bleep] boyars.

In his court in...
(talking gibberish, laughing)

Vlad is like, call me Dracula.

So, he's, like, going around
doing this to everybody.

He's like, you, you look
like you're an adulterer.

You, you look like you're lazy.

You, you look like you're a thief!

I'm gonna impale all of you!

And he impales them.

And he burns the whole
[bleep] town to the ground.

And there's a German
monk there and he's like,

(german accent) oh, mein Gott!

He's dipping his bread in
the blood of his victims!

Und he's eating it!

(Normal voice) That's a vampire.

He instorters... He instorters?

- He ins... he...
- (Sniggers)

Instills order in Wallachia.

So, Memed is like,

your brother wants to
be called "Dracula."

And Radu's like, (laughs) Dracula?

That just means, like, son of Dracul

which we both are.

That's lame.

And Memed's like,

we should definitely att*ck Vlad

because Vlad's being a super dick.

So, Memed crosses into Wallachia

with these, like, , troops

and Dracula's like,

I get it. I'm outnumbered.

So, I'm gonna retreat,

but what I want you guys to do...

my colonels and lieutenants
and generals and shit...

I want you to burn
(whispers) everything!

And they're like, all
right, but we're, like,

[bleep] up our own land.

And he's like, yes!

(Whispers) Destroy Wallachia...


So, they do it.

And they [bleep] up everything.

♪♪ Boo-too-too-too-too... ♪♪

♪♪ Halloween Boowubububu ♪♪


[Bleep] Halloween, baby.

- Ooh!
- (Laughs)

So, anyway...

When Memed comes through,
they come upon a sight

that makes his soldiers
stop in their tracks.

And it is a section half a
mile wide and two miles long

of over , Turkish
soldiers and prisoners

- that have been impaled.
- (Wincing) Mm!

And Memed sees it and he's like,

Jesus! I don't even believe in Jesus.

Holy boly Allah, holy Muhammad.

It's like a forest of the impaled.

And he's like, you know what, guys?

Let's turn around.

And they just turned around and left.

So, Vlad has won.

He's like, (laughs) Yay!

He was arguably the
most sadistic liver...

- (Laughs)
- L...

He was arguably the
most sadi... distic..

The most sadistic ruler that ever lived.

But then, Radu is like,

Mmm, hold on a second.

Uh, people of Wallachia?
Mm, Vlad is... sucks.

He's, like, a piece of shit, right?

So, like, why don't you support me?

I'm a good guy.

And they kick Vlad
Dracula out of Wallachia.

Vlad's like... (Hisses)

So, fast forward years.

Vlad is, like, fighting
some, like, border skirmish

or something.

And then, this Turkish assassin, like,

- sh**t him with an arrow...
- (Whooshes sharply)

And he goes to Vlad,
and then he kills him.

And chops off his head!

And he takes the head back to Memed.

And Memed is like, cool.

I'm gonna put it on a stake.

'Cause he loved to impale people.

And Vlad's like,

(Scoffs) Whatever. I
don't even feel this.

I'm already d*ad. Joke's on you guys.


(Dramatic music)

My head's on a stake.

Look at my face, people!

Look at my face, mother [bleep].





Oh, my God. I'm spinning really badly.

So, years later,
Bram Stoker was like,

huh, this is interesting.
This like, legend of vampires.

Maybe I can write a story about this.

And it became one of the
biggest horror classics ever.

It still is.

Yeah. I mean, like, think about...

Who doesn't know who Dracula is?

Everybody knows [bleep] Dracula.

Everyone knows that vampire story.

There's cereal named after him.

Yeah! Right? Count Chocula.

- Mm-hmm.
- Not Count Dracula.

- Yeah, right?
- Count Chocula.

(Laughs) It's not Count Dracula.


'Cause there's chocolate
sugar pieces in it!


(Patriotic music)

Post Reply