01x17 - Wake Me

[bunniefuu]

Care for a hand-crafted cocktail?
Yes.

But I'm not sure I should say the
name of my drink order out loud.

Can you just drop a sh*t of
Jager into some Red Bull?

Gotcha. And thanks for not saying
B-O-M-B. People tend to freak out.

'Everyone, please take your seats
immediately.' Bruce Almighty!

Oh, my God! This could be it.
OK. Calm down. Calm down.

Just watch the flight attendant.

If he panics, we panic.

He's fine, see?

Yep, just writing some goodbye
e-mails to loved ones

because I think this is
probably really it.

Thank God I paid $
for minutes of Wi-Fi.

No!

Goodbye, world.

It's been trill.

Hallelujah!

Stewardess, I will take that
Jagerbomb now.

You know what? Bombs on me!

Everybody's getting Bombed!

We're getting bombed? No, no, no,
no... We're all going to die!

What?

Kay, that is the craziest story
I've ever heard, and in college,

I worked at a su1c1de hotline.
May they all rest in peace.

All of them? Like, everybody you
talked to? I was asked to resign.

Let's leave it at that. Yeah, well,
on the flip side of that coin,

I've got a new lease on life.
And we've got a new lease

on a Nissan Leaf, so new leases all
around. We got it six months ago

but he was waiting for someone to say
that phrase so we could spring it

on you with a little pizzazz.

Ooh! Oh, and Kay, thank you
so much for that e-mail

when the plane was going down.
That was so sweet. So touching.

Thank you. I didn't realise we were
such big role models for you.

I wept. Wait, everyone got
heartfelt e-mails?

Dennah and I just got one asking us

to take a box of garbage
out of her apartment.

Oh, no, I sent that one before
I even got on the plane.

Then why didn't we get a goodbye?
Cos the turbulence stopped and

the whole b*mb scare portion of the
flight happened and then it was all

over and I knew I'd see you again.

Thank God you're OK!

And thank you for that amazing
e-mail, by the way.

A near-death experience? I can't
imagine anything more horrible.

Thank you, it was pretty...
Except for my day. Mm.

The guy at the juice place called me
"sir", a co-worker told me I looked

like I was tired... of living.

And my waxer dropped me as a client
citing "creative differences".

Zoya dropped you? You've been going
to her since you were eight.

Annie had what's called baby beard.

Mine was incurable.

I'll talk to Zoya about it
today at my three o'clock.

What? It's the only thing
I spend money on.

Guys, my self-esteem is at
an all-time not great.

Which is why, to make myself feel
better, I have decided to finally

change my Facebook status to...

engaged.

I can't believe you waited this long

to let the internet know
you're engaged.

To a guy with
the courage of a stuntman

and the singing voice of an Aimee
Mann. And from what I've been told,

the lovemaking skills
of the ladies' man.

But seriously I have been saving
it for a really tough day cos

I know that once I change it I'm
going to get an outpouring of love

and some real sincere "you go girl" s.

Break the internet, girl.
So your pal Kay almost dies,

but we'd rather go with round
of Annie Got Engaged. Mm-hm.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

OK.

Oh...
Hey. So, no dice with Zoya.

She just will not wax you
a Twin Towers Tribute.

I really can't with Zoya right now.

Babe, you have got to
look at these comments.

I know it's shallow
but it feels really good.

Like peeing in a kiddie pool. There
is just one ex who's face I'd really

love to rub my engagement's face in.

Oh? Dr Lee. But he's not on
any social media. Dr Lee?

Isn't that that douche you dated
before me? Why would you care?

We dated for over a year and a half.
Everything was going fine

and then out of nowhere he broke up
with me via e-mail.

Subject line - "unmarriable".
Unma...? No, he di'n't!

He was such a d*ck. Now we have to
go shove our happy engagement

directly in his stupid face.
How do we find him?

I may have Facebook messaged his mom.
You're Facebook friends with

his mom? Sissy? No, thanks, I just
went. That's his mom's name.

She wrote back and said "Mazel tov"

and that Lee is at Chicago General
Hospital. OK, I'm coming with you.

What? No, we don't have to.
Yes. We're engaged now.

That means your grudge is my grudge
and vice a versa.

Like how you took on the grudge
I had against Stevie Wonder.

Don't sit front row at major
sporting events, Steve!

You could sit literally anywhere.

Hey, we're not just engaged - we're
en-grudge-d. I love that.

It's almost as good as en-bagel-d.
From the time we shared a bagel.

Well, come in.

I think Kay lied to us about
when she sent that e-mail

and I want to know why. Her story
didn't bump me but if you're curious

we could just log into Kay's e-mail
and see what time she wrote us.

Wait, do you know Kay's password?
I know all our friend's passwords.

Jake's is "couscous."
Annie's is "Annie Gosling."

And yours is also "Annie Gosling."

I couldn't think of anything.

And... oh, my God, you're right.

Our e-mails were sent between Annie
and Jake's and the Kevins. She lied.

I knew it! We have to tell her
we know the truth.

That this is her last chance to get
% off plus free shipping

on all outerwear from Club Monaco?

Oh, holster that look.
I knew what you were talking about.

A guy can't make a joke any more?

That's the world you want to live
in, all right!

You know, I had plans today!

This is where they said he'd be.
OK, listen.

I know we hate this guy for hurting
you but we're in his place of work.

Babe, I'm totally chill. I'm just
going to walk in there super dignified

and show you off like the prize
you are. Oh, babe. Wait.

Why are you wearing those jeans? Hm?

I told you to wear the hog-huggers.
They're being re-crotched. Again?

Yeah, again.
All right, let's just get in there.

Sissy? I told you, I already went.
Annie! Oh, there he is!

What up, Docta Lee?

I'm not... You're not, you're not
what? Dating my girlfriend any more?

Nah, because she's my fiancee now!
What do you think of them apples?

Jake... No, no, I got it, it's just
two dudes talkin'. Ain't that right,

DOCTOR Lee? Hey, take two of these
and call me in the morning. No,

you can't cos they're mine,
actually, bay-bay! Jake, no, no.

Hey, are you eyeballin' me, sucka?

You want to dace? Because my dance
card is definitely NOT full! Jake!

Nah, it's cool -
This... is Lee.

He's in a coma.

Oh... Oh, that's Lee.

Very nice to meet you.

Oh, my God. What happened?

months ago he was in
a horrific accident.

Car? Bike?
Zamboni.

He's the volunteer driver
at the rink he grew up on.

One day, he was showboating
for the kids,

doing something called Montreal
Drifting, when he lost control.

He was thrown from the operator's
compartment, and then...

Oh, no, let me guess.
I would rather just tell you.

He was run over by the Zamboni.
That's what I was going to guess.

Me too, based on the set-up.

That rink was always a part of him.

And for the entire third period of a
Bantam Travel League play-off game,

he was a part of... it.

Wow. Literally. Wow, wow, wow.

I know that's a lot to take in
so I'll leave you guys alone.

Thank you, Sissy.
Thank you.

This is horrible.
I know.

I feel so terrible. Now he'll never
know that I'm engaged...

is the least of my concerns.

Cos I am so broken up about his
condition from here on out.

Yeah. Yeah.

Kay?

- Kay!
- I'm in the shower!

What the hell are you doing in here?
You said you were in the shower.

It's like if somebody says "I'm in
the kitchen" what are you going to do?

You're going to go into the kitchen
and have a bowl of soup. What?!

We saw when you sent our e-mail.
You lied to us. Fine!

Look, I needed you to throw that box
out because there was something

in it that I didn't want anyone
to find if that plane went down.

And I asked you two because
I trust you the most.

Despite the fact you clearly
hacked my e-mail. Oh...

you trust us. The three of us, we're
like a triangle of trust. Aw, Kay.

That really makes me feel like

I want to ask you what's
inside that box.

I think what Dennah means
is we're both so touched

by the need to know
what's in that box. Yup.

I'm too embarrassed to even tell you
but thank you for taking care of it.

- Triangle of trust?
- Triangle of trust.

Now, will you PLEASE get
out of the damn bathroom?!

Oh, one of those kind of showers.
OK.

I hated the guy but I never
wanted this to happen. Agreed.

It's crazy to think this guy's
never going to on a hike again or...

nobody's going to wear that sweet
leather jacket again.

It's crazy, nobody thinks about
the jackets, or... Nor should they.

..what happens to them. All right.
Hey, let's get out of here

and chalk this up to one of
our classic bad plans.

Like that time we took mushrooms
and went to go see The Cove.

That totally ruined
our trip to Japan.

You know what? Actually, babe...

Let me say goodbye. Yeah? Yeah.

Lee, I'm really sorry
this happened to you...

before I got to tell you I'm engaged.

Annie! I'm kidding. Lee...

good luck. I really hope you get
better. That's sweet. Let's go.

What's happening? I didn't touch
anything. I didn't touch anything.

Wow. He's never shown brain
activity like this.

Annie, he's responding to
your voice! Right, Doctor?

It's always a mystery with comas.
But it's possible.

Wow! Doctor, is there any benefit
in having Annie spend more time

with Lee? We need to run some more
tests but it's worth a sh*t.

Annie, would you mind staying for an
extremely long period of time

and not leaving? Of course I'll
stick around, out of the kindness

of my heart and not for any other
reason other than that.

I don't buy this mysterious box
story. Kay didn't think about us

when the plane was going down, now
she's trying to cover her sweet ass.

Unfortunately, we'll never know.
Now what are you up to?

You want to help me to find a
dumpster to throw out Kay's box? What?!

You still have Kay's box? Let's look
through it and find out if she was

lying or not. We can't do that.
We are in a triangle of trust.

Does that mean nothing to you?
We are NEVER opening that box.

I'll show you my boobs.
Works for me.

Are we really doing this?

Yes! I came here to prove
I'm marriable.

Who's more marriable than someone who
can literally wrangle a human life

from the clutches of the underworld?

Babe, you're marriable cos you're
sweet and you're kind

and you have the tongue
of a sommelier. Thank you.

But you're telling me if said tongue
could also wake a man from a coma,

that's not an added bonus? Just tell
me that's not an added bonus.

Try to tell it to me.
That would be an added bonus.

I just don't want you to get
your hopes up and be disappointed.

Like that time we had sex
at Alcatraz.

Annie? He'll see you now. OK.
Well, not really.

He'll hopefully hear you.

But, again, even that's a long sh*t.

So I guess just come in, please? OK.

Maybe talk about some specific
memories you shared. OK. Let's see.

Remember that limo ride we took
after the R Kelly concert?

Oh, I don't like where this is
going. Maybe a different story.

Keep going, Annie, it's working.
Same story. We were drunk.

And I was wearing those undies you
got me that were, how shall we say,

missing a part.
I'm going to go take a walk.

Wait, Jake, it's your voice!

Come to me, Lee. Hear my voice.

Feel my power. No, Lee, come to me.
Lee, I'm right here. Can you hear me?

I believe in you, Lee.
I believe in you. You can do it.

# I believe I can fly

# I believe I can touch the sky

# I think about it
every night and day

# Spread my wings and fly away

# I believe I can soar

# See me running
through that open door

# I believe I can fly

# I can fly

# I can fly... #

Come to me, Lee. Come to me, Lee.

# Ooh. #

That voice. Who was that?
It's me, Annie. No, no.

The man who sings like Aimee Mann.

That is the voice that pulled me
out of the darkness. That's me!

Hey, what do you know about that?

Hey, you're dead, man. I'm God.
Welcome to heaven. What?

Nah, I'm just kidding.
You just woke up.

So the whole thing
was very unsatisfying.

I mean, except for Lee,

who miraculously recovered from
his coma, which, of course,

we're all thrilled about. Oh, yeah.

Nothing short of a miracle
is what that is.

Now there's no way to sort of
gracefully rub my impending nuptials

in his face so close to the coma.

Right? Mm-mm. It's frowned upon.
As it should be.

So it is written, so it is done.

Hey-o, mortals.
How's everybody feeling? I'm good.

I've been having these migraines but
other than that I'm good. Migraines?

OK, let's see what we got. Jake, you
are not a god. Of course not, honey,

I am a vessel for God.

I am not going to call myself an
angel. I'll let you do that for me.

Ahh! How you feeling, Kevin?

I didn't have a headache.
And you never will.

OK, I am off to the hospital. Why?

Oh, Lee wants to give me a thank you
gift. You know what they say,

receiving charity is the highest
form of charity.

Babe, aren't we kinda done with Lee?

I mean, even though I didn't get
to gloat, I told him

we were engaged and I thought maybe
we'd see him again never. Mm-kay?

Mm-kay. Or I pick up my hog-huggers
at the crotch maker,

head over to the hospital, Lee sees
just how terrific I am,

thus proving that not only are you
marriable but you got your claws

into a life-saving dildo model.

So he's happy, you're happy,
I'm happy, everybody wins.

I guess. Jake sort of has
a point there, Annie.

Except I think he's getting a little
carried away about what

type of model he could be.
Haters going to hate.

OK, go, but talk me up.

Mention I'm still making jewellery
cos Lee was sure I'd quit that.

You make jewellery?
No, it's stupid. I quit that.

I don't feel great about this.

What if it's something that
implicates Kay in a crime?

What if she k*lled Hae Min Lee?

She did attend Woodlawn High School
in Baltimore.

She was friends with Jay.

Wait. What's this?

"Even Vampires Get Cancer.

"A young adult novel that gives
a whole new meaning

"to the phrase 'cancer sucks'."

"Written by Brandy Lamborghini."

Who the hell is Brandy Lamborghini?
That's Kay.

That's the fake name she gives to
clubs, restaurants and governments.

Oh, my God! Kay's biggest secret is
that she wrote a YA novel

and she doesn't want
anyone to read it.

Well, I guess we can't read it.

Triangle of trust and all.

"Madonna Montalban was sick. Sick
with a thirst. A thirst for blood.

"Blood cancer."

I'm hooked. Keep reading.

Hey, buddy. Did I wake ya?

Jake the Snake! You made it. Sick!
What's happening, man?

Hey, man. Hey, before I forget,
Annie's still making jewellery.

She still makes jewellery.
Oh. That's weird.

Listen, man, you seriously saved me.
So, I owe you my life.

No way! Oh, this is ridiculously...

It's ridiculously what? It's...

It's ridiculously nice.

But I intended to just simply say
"This is ridiculous comma Lee."

I heard you talking about it
when I was out so I got you one.

Sick, right? Dude, I have to be
honest with you, I...

I wanted to hate you after what
went down between you and Annie

but you're cool peeps.

You too, man.

Can I ask you one more favour?
Oh, sh**t, yeah. Um...

Can you teach me how to make
in the toilet again?

Uh...

I mean, I feel like I already did
you a huge solid.

What are we talking? Like number
one, right? Number one.

Cos I'll hold your schwanz
but I don't want to...

I'm kidding, OK?

Everything is working
fine down there!

OK, OK! In fact, get me a hooker!

No, I'm not joking, I'm super horny.

Oh, sick.

It's so emotionally conflicting.

The vampire's bite gives teenage
cancer patients eternal life.

But then they're forced to live
for ever with the pain

and discomfort of cancer.

And the awkwardness of being
a teenager. It's brilliant.

It's a genuine and grounded piece
of fantasy vampire illness fiction.

Or... sick-fic.

Why wouldn't Kay want it out there?
It's so obvious.

The teenage protagonist, Madonna,
struggling with her vampire identity

is a metaphor for teenage Kay
struggling with her sexual identity.

Huh. I didn't get any of that. I
should give this to my friend Nikki.

She works at a big publishing house.
That seems convenient.

Actually, the publishing house is
all the way out in the suburbs.

Guess I could hire a messenger
service or something.

Do they even have those any more?
It's anything but convenient.

No, that's not... Are we really
going to do that?

This is what the triangle of trust
is all about - doing what's best

for each other, even when we can't
see it for ourselves. True.

But you know what would really put
your argument over the top? Nope.

You don't know what I was going to
say.

Do you want to show me what
you thought I was going to say?

Ah, fiancee-hey-hey.

What's up? Good question,
considering you're four hours later

than you said you'd be and you're
wearing Lee's signature

leather jacket. I'm sorry, one thing
led to another and we just...

started chilling out.

He is one of the funniest guys
I've ever laid ears on.

You guys are pals now?
What happened to our engrudgement?

I know he used to be a jerk
but he's different now, OK?

A coma can change a guy

and I'm not just talking about
muscle atrophy and junk.

No, this man cannot change. He's like
your mom and her hairstyle.

It just is what it is.
Seems like an unnecessary sh*t.

All I'm saying is
he is not a good guy.

Then why did he invite me to the
Cubs game tomorrow? Front row!

Trust me, he's going to screw you
just like he screwed me.

In the back of a limo after
an R Kelly concert?

Hey, guys. Hey. Hey.

So, question -

why did someone named Nikki from
Wickerpark Press e-mail me

to confirm the submission of my book

Even Vampires Get Cancer,
FKA Canspires?

Huh! I didn't know you had a book.

Yeah, I didn't know vampires
could get cancer.

That's a wrinkle in the mythology.

I can't believe you
sent my book to a publisher.

Only because it's really good
and we knew you'd never send it.

It's so good! You betrayed me! First,
you lied. Then you read my book...

Wait, you guys liked it? Yes.
What's your favourite part?

Were the characters likeable enough?
Did the suckothon seem earned?

No, no, no, don't answer any of that
- I'm pissed. Kay, it's awesome.

You're super talented. This is what
you should be doing with your life.

I don't know. What if no-one
likes it? Do you trust us?

Do you really trust us
the way you say you do?

Yes. You have to pursue this.
You recently almost d*ed.

Would you really be happy if your
legacy was simply talent agent

to body-builders? I do like repping
pumpers. OK, that's fair.

But, yeah, yeah. OK.

Thank you. Thanks for pushing me
into this.

I trusted you guys to do the right
thing and I guess you really did.

Just think how many teenagers
struggling with their "vampire"

identity you could help.

Just like how Fifty Shades Of Grey
helped a bunch of fat,

middle-aged women learn
to masturbate again.

Hey, I thought Lee was picking you
up for the game?

He is, he's just running
a few innings late.

Sure he is.

He is. "Sure he is."

See, that's him.

Yo, dude, where...?

No, I...

Oh, I guess I'll...

Why am I not finishing my...?

Well, because you're...

Yeah, no, I guess I'll see you...

..ter.

Did he ditch you out of nowhere? No,
he didn't ditch me, he just had some

post-coma stuff to take care of
and he couldn't make the game.

You sure about that?

Oh, come on! I woke him
out of a coma!

And are those the two hookers
I got him? You got him hookers?

The guy had months
of morning wood.

How do you even know
where to find them? Huh?

You were right,
that guy's the worst.

The worst!
He is so bad. The worst.

But you know what? Thank God.
Because if he wasn't,

we never would have met,

and I wouldn't be sitting
with you right now. Oh!

You know what? We're happy together
and that's all that matters.

I don't need to be bopping around
town rubbing it in

a bunch of people's faces.
I wish Lee nothing but happiness.

That's right. God bless Lee.

'..Lee Cowen,
who just emerged from a coma.'

Oh! Oh, my God!

Yes! Take a seat, coma boy!
Yeah!

Ha-ha! Whoo!