01x18 - Surprise Me

All episode transcripts for this 2014 TV show. Aired: October 2014 to May 2015.
After a string of botched marriage proposals, longtime couple Annie and Jake decide to put getting engaged on hold until they can get it together.
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01x18 - Surprise Me

Post by bunniefuu »

You did it, Kevin. You worked kale
into every single part of this meal.

Well, if anyone's to blame,
it's kale's versatility.

Oh, can we stop talking about kale
for a second, as a nation?

I'm sorry, I didn't realise

I had such strong beliefs
about that topic.

Anyway, we were hoping for
a little honeymoon advice.

We're thinking of Paris,
or maybe someplace more exotic.

And just to clarify, when we say
exotic, we mean cool and sexy,

not someplace where you get
a toilet seat parasite

that lays eggs in your brain.
No, thank you. We don't want that.

Paris, huh? France - lame.

Lame? Yeah, why go all
that way when Paris,

the Las Vegas resort and casino,
is just five states away, huh?

Yeah, you like authentic
French food?

How does a half-mile long
all-you-can-eat buffet of it sound?

Slightly less authentic.
Yeah. Oh, hey, how about Fiji?

Oh, so it's islands you want, huh?
How about...

Rhode Island! What? Well, I was going
to say Hawaii. Or Long Island.

f*re. Coney. Fantasy. Come on,
you guys, quit messing around.

Didn't you say Rio is beautiful if
you ignore all the street children?

Listen, Annie, sweetie -
could you do me a favour?

Could you get a chocolate bar
from your dad's night stand?

My diet need a fatty.

OK. Hurry, it's an emergency.
Thank you.

Annie cannot leave the country. Huh?
She doesn't know it but she's an illegal alien.

She was born in Canada to a Canadian
surrogate. We wanted to have her
here... But it was the ' s!

Very difficult time for two gay men
to have a child. The ' s! So for
the past years, we've been

secretly renewing her visa using
a tenuous loophole which closed
last year. Thanks, Obama!

Annie can never find out about this.
She would be devastated.

Wow, that's a lot to process
after three kale-jitos.

But I should probably mention that
Annie has this adorable habit

of waiting a moment when
she leaves the room,

just to make sure that nobody's
saying anything about her.

I'm Canadian?!

How boot that, eh? No!

Aw. How could my dads have
lied to me all these years?

How could I not have known?

Nobody panic. Nobody decide
to hit their parents.

In our defence, Annie, we were
just trying to protect you. I mean,

it's hard enough growing up
with two gay dads and a baby tail.

By the way, sweetie, you had
a baby tail. What? Monster!

We feel really, really bad, Annie.
But we got to into this mess

and we are going to
get you out of it.

We signed you up for
the next citizenship test,

which is next week. Next week?
I can't do next week,

I've got so much wedding
planning this week.

Well, you could take the next test,
but it's in seven months.

Seven months? I can't spend another
moment as a ridiculous Canadian.

I mean, no offence to Canada,
but it's basically America's attic.

Kevin and I will help you study,

and I'm sure you can find someone
to help with the wedding.

You're looking at Jake.
You want an answer from Jake?

This will be a good chance
for you to get involved.

You've kind of being checked out of
the old wedding planning process.

Checked out? What? I'm more
checked in than Dunston, babe.

Let's be honest, you're more checked
out than Jason Alexander

while making Dunston Checks In,
babe. Guys,

sometimes your references -
who are they for? Really?

OK, you know what?
You want me on this thing?

Hand me that baton and
I will hold that baton

and do what you do with a baton.
Yeah? Yes, I will do it. OK.

Come on. OK, let's give him the
book. Oh, God, here it is.

All right. Oof! How many guys are
you marrying? Nine? This is serious.

I don't want you to worry,
because you are going to destroy

the citizenship test, and I am
going to destroy this wedding!

I'm going to destroy this wedding.
Why? What do you mean?

Because they're going to ask me
a bunch of stuff, you know?

Like what colour flowers,
Mr Schuffman?

Or what colour tablecloths,
Mr Schuffman? Or what colour...

I can't even think of
a third example,

because I don't understand
any of this stuff.

Look, first things first - you've got
to break it down into its parts, OK?

Like you're butchering a pig.

A big, whole, fat, d*ad pig is
intimidating, but a pork chop?

Is delicious. Exactly. OK.
So let's cut this little piggy up.

First we want to identify
the top priorities.

What's this cheque?

OK, this cheque for the venue
deposit says it's due... yesterday.

OK, so, now, that's something
I would call a top priority.

I'm going to call them right now.
She gave you this thing days ago.
What have you been doing?

Well, you know, the Bulls and Bears
and beers and bowls.

And this thing is so big! You know,
I have tiny hands. What? Hi.

Hello. Hi, this is Jake Schuffman.
I'm calling about our deposit.

Yeah, there's been a slight...

OK. Great.

Awesome, thanks a lot.

Totally, big time.

You lost the venue, didn't you?
Totally, big time.

# Hamilton, Madison and Jay

# Are three fun names to say

# The Federalist papers they wrote

# While looking at a boat. #

The boat feels a little off-topic.
Is it even historically accurate?

No, sweetie, and some of us
were saying that yesterday.

And others of us were saying
instead of poking holes,

maybe you can pitch some of your
own damn ideas. All right. Um...

# To keep the country afloat. #

OK, where was that guy last night?!

Guys, I don't feel like this is
helping. All right, you know what?

Let's move on to the flash cards, OK?

How many amendments
in the Constitution?


That's a tough one.

Five... Nngh.

Fou... Nngh.

Tw... Two...?

Tw..eeen... Twen...

..ty... Twenty...

Sev... ven.

! Yes! Another home run,

You see, you're a natural.
A brilliant natural genius.

No, no, I'm not.
Why is this test so hard?

I mean, I nailed the SATs.
Kevin, we should tell her.

What's to tell? Annie, sweetie...

you know how you took
the SATs on time?

Most people don't get a week.

Well, I thought I got a week
because I was special.

You are special. And that is
exactly the language we used

to get you excused from the test.

Really?! Mm-hm. This is the problem.

I am a coddled Canadian weirdo.

No! Dads, I feel like all
your helping is hurting,

and I should probably study
without you. Bad idea.

But you're right. I'm sorry.

You should go, Kevin. We need
to do this on our own.

No, scooch on out the door.

I just feel so terrible at having
deceived Annie for all these years.

Yeah, I get it. Well, if you're
looking for a place to release

all that pent-up paternal energy,

I know a big boy who needs
a daddy right about now.

Oh, Jake, you are so bad
at asking for help.

But no, I am sorry, my helping
days are behind me.

I lost our wedding venue.

Dramatic gasp is right.
But here's the good news -

I got the name of the woman who
took it. Now all we have to do

is convince her to give it back.
But I'm tired, Jake.

Kevin, word is, this woman
is a real bridezilla,

and the only way to
b*at a bridezilla

is with an even bigger bridezilla.

That's not a comment on your weight,
because you look fantastic.

Are you asking me to come out of
retirement for one last job?

Yes. What's with the voice?

I've got a little green tea
spit bubble. Oh. It's been caught.

I'm good. I'm good.

Honestly, I don't think I'm going
to be a good study partner, Annie.

I don't know much about civics.
Oh, that's OK.

I was more just looking
for discipline.

I mean, you know my dads can be
a little too encouraging.

So you asked me here for
some tough love? Exactly.

Well, makes sense. I mean,
the Kevins ruined you.

They told you how perfect
you were your whole life,

you believed it, and then
reality bitch slapped you

in your perfect little face.

I mean, that... That seems
a hint unfair.

Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.
No, I'm just -

I was trying to be tough on you. Oh!

Oh, sorry.

I didn't know that we'd started
already. OK, great. Great.

I'm glad you came to me now,
because anyone can see

that you are flailing within
an inch of your damn life.

You and your whole strike four,
me first, attendance trophies,

special snowflake
garbage generation.

You know what? I think I left
my highlighter in the car,

and I will be right back.

Sorry, but I'm not giving up
my wedding date.

You and your fiance wouldn't
even consider a swap?

I don't have a fiance.
Oh, boyfriend? No.

Girlfriend? Uh-uh. Cat? I wish.

Look, if you must know...

I'm marrying myself.

OK, you got me. I thought we
were up against a real wedding.

So what's it going to take to
move this princess party?

See, and that is exactly the
kind of small-minded thinking

that drove me to create my
own company, Fufu Flowers.

What is Fufu Flowers? It's a service
for women to send themselves flowers

because you don't need a man to
appreciate a beautiful bouquet.

Fufu - For Us, From Us. So like
Fubu? I've never heard of that.

Fubu - For Us, By Us.
Doesn't ring a bell.

Fubu, Fufu - it's like one
letter difference.

Guys, I'm not hearing it. Really?

Marrying myself is the perfect
embodiment of the Fufu spirit.

Janine! What are you doing?
No! Sorry, Molly.

What are we going to do?
We can't lose this venue.

I mean, if she disappears, no-one's
going to notice, right? I mean,
she doesn't even have a cat. No.

You catch more zillas with sugar.
Follow my lead.

Molly, I am loving this idea.
I can picture it now -

You standing there in a strapless
dipped trumpet gown,

soft curls, no veil, and no man.

I loved everything that you just
said. Can I be honest with you?

You'd better be, sister. Most of my friends
and relatives think this is crazy. What?!

That's... That's crazy.
They're crazy jealous.

You know who else they said was
crazy? Who? Albert Einstein.

Yes, they did say that about him,

and he turned out to have
a few very good ideas. Mm-hm.

Now, I know you want to do all
this on your own. I get that.

But planning a wedding is work. Yeah.
So why don't you let us help you?

And in exchange, you can
give us our venue back.

I mean, I have always had a fantasy
that a stylish gay couple

such as yourselves would give me
the ultimate wedding makeover

and then I'd turn them
and they'd fight over me,

but we don't have to do
that last part.

Well, the only problem with that is that
Jake and I aren't... Aren't backing down,

because we love that idea.
Because we are a gay couple,

and we love things as the gays do.

And I know my voice
sounds like I'm lying,

but that's only because as a child,

my throat was in an accident.

I'm excited. And I'm sorry
to hear about your throat.

Come on. You can do this.

Studying on your own will be great.


Ooh, that's nice.

Yeah. Take a second hit of that.

Oh, thank God.

Hi! Your dads told us you've had
trouble finding study buddies.

We were supposed to pretend it
was our idea to come help, but we
knew you'd never believe that.

So then we were in a "car broke down"
area, but that seemed far-fetched.

Long story short, we're here, and
we're not telling you why. Do you
want help studying or not? Yes!

That would be perfect. Thank you.

My dads were, like, way too hot
and Myrna was too cold,

- but you guys will be just right.
- Yay!

It'll be like college.
Yes! Let's dig in.

Third edition, so that's nice.
Nice. You can trust it.

Those guys!

Hi, boys. Hello! Is that Leno?

Been a long time since I studied.

I kind of forgot how.
I'm ready to...

So should we started drinking? Yes!

That's how you do it. Whoop, whoop!
We need a break,

just to warm into it. Sweet!

This is how I passed my
psych exam.

On my way to the ladies' room
to go puke.

I failed psych. Wow.

So how did the two of you meet?

Oh, how did we meet? Um...

At Gaylord's Indian restaurant.
Yeah, that's right.

When I met Jake he was
morbidly obese,

but I managed to see past
all that fat. Thank you.

I sensed some fatness.
Yeah. Really? Mm-hm.

Now, what are your thoughts on
centrepieces? Oh, you know,

Kev has some really interesting
ideas on centreprises. Centrepieces.

Centrep... See, look at this guy,
he's already on f*re!

Go get 'em, Kev.

Um, well, you know, given the
choices you've already made,

I feel like a simple bamboo basket
would be both elegant, you know,

and easy to take home after. Great.
People love that. Great! Yeah.

And Jake, what about these
ganaches? What do you think?

Siri, take a memo. Business idea -
centreprises. Noted. Sweetie?

Sweetie, I feel like you're not paying attention.
Sweetie, this shouldn't be about me.

This is about Molly's galoshes.
Am I right, Molly? I thought it was.

Well, buttercup, remember
on our fourth date

when I told you to put down
the muffin? I feel like we're having
one of those muffin moments now.

Dr Bran told us we're not allowed to
talk about our muffins any more, OK?

So were not going to talk about our muffins.
Dr Bran... Dr Bran is our therapist,

and he has prescribed Kevin here
a tonne of mood s*ab.

No, I don't have s*ab.
I don't take any pills.

Like, constantly taking
a lot of pills. Guys.

GUYS! I feel like all
of this bickering

is kind of getting in
the way of my day,

and right now, I'm feeling
less generous

when it comes to the giving
away of certain venues.

Would you excuse us one second?

I think it's time for Kevin
to take one of his pills.

See, this is why
I'm marrying myself.

Because I don't need anyone
to remind me to take my pills.

What are you doing?!
What are you not doing?

Is this how you act in your
wedding meetings with Annie?

No, of course not!

Not that I go to any of them.
Or, I mean, I've gone to some.

No wonder she's so bummed about
this wedding planning thing.

She's bummed? I always thought she
wanted to make all the decisions.

No, Jake, she wants you to be a part
of it. She just doesn't want to nag.

Really? The good news is
I have no problem nagging.

So if you want to save your wedding,

you'd better start getting involved
in this one, OK, honey bunch?

Honey bunch? Molly's not even
listening to us right now.

I am dedicated to this farce.

Oh. Let's go, sweet cheeks.

Hey! Hello! Hey.

I heard you guys were in need
of some study supplies.

And this is why I love you.

Did I just hear "I love you"?

Girl, don't trip.

OK, guys, look. You've been here
all night and the only thing

I've learned is the order
to drink beer and liquor in.

Hey, if you need some help, I know someone
who's in a citizenship study group. Really?

Of course! There's been a spicy
Latina in our midst this whole time.

Hailey, who we talking about -
tu madre, tu padre,

tu abuela, un amigo, sacapuntas?

My maid, Olga. She's Ukrainian. And
sacapuntas means pencil sharpener.

Just FYI, everybody, new girl's
got a lot of opinions.

Um... that one.

Thank you, Jake. Of course.


Oh, right!


What are we doing? All right, Kev.

Wow. There it is.

Beautiful, like a light.

There you go. He's a keeper, honey.

Yes, he is. I can't thank
you two enough.

The venue's yours. Really? Wow!
Oh, my God. Thanks!

And you know, I can only hope
that my wedding to Kevin

will be as special as your to you.

I've got myself a very special girl.

Heeey, congratulations, Miss
America! I'm so proud of you.

And you know what's awesome? While
you have been becoming a citizen

of what once was the greatest
country in the world -

still OK, you know - I have
learned the true spirit

of weddinging... ing.

Weddinginging. Anyway, from now on,

we are going to plan our big day together.
Well, our big day's not going to happen,

because I failed the test and
now they want to deport me.

What?! I have to be a... What?

Canadian, Jake!
I have to be a Canadian.

Oh, baby. It's so...

What is that? Oh, that.

Yeah, no, that's just
our friends and family

here to celebrate your
new-found citizenship.


Thank you all for coming.

Why do you two insist on
having surprise parties?

You're really being deported?

How much time do you have?
Just till Friday.

And I wasn't even on the radar
until I failed this stupid test.

Did you know Ben Franklin wasn't
a president? The man invented kites!

Don't worry. We're going to start
one of those nationwide campaigns

like they did for that
Elian Gonzales boy.

They let him stay, though, right?
I don't know.

Deportation? That is harsh.

Well, the Canadian Embassy prefers
to call it a swift removal.

Such a polite people. They are.

We are.

Oh, babe...

You know what?
Don't worry, everyone.

I think I know how to solve this.
Annie is going to become an American

the American way - by taking
a lazy short cut.

We're getting married tomorrow.
What?! Yes, we're getting married
tomorrow. That's crazy. What?

Wait, I don't have a dress, and what
do we do about food and the guests?

No, I could never pull that off.
No, you can't.

But you and I and
everyone else here can.

Uh, I have a DMV appointment
at four o'clock.

Argh, not now, Mom, I'm talking...

I'm doing a thing.

So we would plan it together? Yes. That's what
I'm talking about, we'll plan it together.

And I know there's not a lot of time
but it's going to be amazing.

But who are we even going to get
to officiate on such short notice?

Oh, hey, guys. Listen,

I hate to be that condo board
president three years running,

but technically more than eight
people is considered a party, and... Julie.

By any chance do you have an
officiant's licence? Oh, God, no.

I do. I'm also a licensed doula,
a certified helicopter pilot

and a platinum member of the NRA.

Marriage is not to be
entered into lightly,

or hurriedly, or haphazardly,

or under the influence of
any alcohol or drugs...

We get it, we get it.
Move it along. Are we sure?

You know before, when it sounded
like I said I love you?

Well, I do.

Do what? It, what I said!

I do "it" too!

..symbolising to all the union
these two now enter into...

So you're the one who's
marrying herself, right?

Don't tell anyone this -
I'm getting cold feet. Wow.

Annie, do you take Jake
to be your husband?

I do. Do you promise to...
I do too.

I know it's not my turn, I'm just
really excited right now.

OK, well, you jumped a couple
of my lines, but...

I now pronounce you...

Chuck and Larry! Oh.

Good one, Julie. No, I now
pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

For the first time ever,
Mr and Mrs Schulman.

Schuffman! Schuffman.
Mr and Mrs Schuffman.

You know what?

This isn't the wedding I planned,

but it's the wedding I never
knew I always wanted.

I love you, husband.

I love you, wife.

Hey, you know what my
one regret is, though?

That The Boyz couldn't be here.

Couldn't they?

Would you please clear the dance floor
for the bride and groom. Did you do this?!

You are about to be possessed
by the sounds of The Boyz.

Hit it!

Aw, yeah.

B to the O to the Y to the Z!

Guys, guys.

# Annie, do this together real fast

# Cos the feds are all over her ass

# She's an immigrant,
I'm talking illegal

# Go back to where you came from,
my country's already full. #

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Take it down a notch. No more white people!

# Take two to make a thing go right

# Annie and Jake'll
make it outta sight

# It takes two to make
a thing go right

# It takes two to
make it outta sight

# It takes two to make
a thing go right

# It takes two to
make it outta sight

# It takes two to...

# It, it, it takes two to make...

# It takes two to make
It takes two to make

# It takes two to make

# It, it, it takes two to make

# It, it, it takes two to make

# It, it, it takes two to make

# It, it, it takes
It, it takes two

# It, it takes two to make... #
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