02x23 - Alice's September Song

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Brady Bunch". Aired: September 1969 to March 1974.*
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A woman with three daughters marries a widower with three sons.
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02x23 - Alice's September Song

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Here's the story ♪

♪ Of a lovely lady ♪

♪ Who was bringing up ♪

♪ Three very lovely girls ♪

♪ All of them had hair of gold ♪

♪ Like their mother ♪

♪ The youngest one in curls ♪

♪ It's the story of a
man named Brady ♪

♪ Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪

♪ They were four
men living all together ♪

♪ Yet they were all alone ♪

♪ Till the one day when ♪

♪ The lady met this fellow ♪

♪ And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪

♪ That this group ♪

♪ Must somehow form a family ♪

♪ That's the way we all
became the Brady Bunch ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch ♪

♪ That's the way we
became the Brady Bunch. ♪

You okay? I'll get it.

Oh, Alice, there's
a message for you.

Oh, from Sam?

He's still at the butcher shop.

I can call him right back.

No, I don't think it's from Sam.

I can't quite make out the name.

"Mackr Maldrill."

Hmm. I don't think
I know anybody

named Mackr Maldrill.

Hmm. If I've told
those kids once

I've told them a hundred times,

when someone calls,
get the name right.

I tried.

You took the message, honey?

Uh-huh.

I wrote it just like
the man told me.

I'm sure we can
figure it out, sweetie,

but first, I want to
help your mother

put away all this stuff.

Now, Alice, I'll do it.

You better work on that message

while it's fresh
in Cindy's mind.

Okay.

That's your name... Alice.

Yeah, I got that far.

I got stuck on who called.

His name is Mark.

"Mark"?

Uh-huh.

Maybe I don't spell very
good, but I can remember good.

His name is Mark Millard

and he said he'd call back.

Mark Millard called?

Oh, I never heard you mention
a Mark Millard before, Alice.

A new boyfriend?

No, Mrs. Brady, an old one.

Somebody special?

Hmm, we were in school together.

To me, he was very special.

He was the handsomest,
most charming boy in the class.

I still remember how
my knees used to melt

whenever he looked at me.

And to think he's called
you after all these years.

Oh, Alice, I think
that's very exciting.

It is exciting, Mrs. Brady.

I wonder... You wonder what?

If there's enough
heat in an old flame

to melt these knees again.

Boy, this is going to
be the best plane ever.

I can see it now, taking off,

maybe flying all
the way to Africa.

What do you think, Greg?

I think if you don't keep quiet,

I'm gonna bop you one.

Hiya, fellas.

Hi, Sam.

Hey, that's some
plane you got there.

Yeah, we're gluing
in the ribs for a wing.

Uh-huh. You know, Bobby,

this sure brings back memories.

Boy, when I was your age,

I built one that
stayed up for a year.

A year?!

Yep. It was a whole year
before I was old enough

to climb the tree
and get it down.

( laughing)

Hey, is Alice inside?

Yeah, she's getting
ready to go out.

Wow, what is that,
a boat or a plane?

A plane. We're putting
it together in here

while Greg and Bobby put
the wings together outside.

Whoo! I'd say that's a
very efficient production line.

You betcha.

Orville and Wilbur couldn't
have done it any better.

I want to go outside

and see how the
wings are coming along.

Okay.

Oh, no!

Look who's out
there talking to Peter!

Sam. Oh...!

He's just come by to see Alice.

Well, he's done
it before, honey.

Oh, but, honey, you
don't understand.

Alice has a date
with Mr. Millard.

This will be very
awkward for her.

Well, honey, I
think she's equipped

to tell Sam she's got a
date with another guy.

Oh, honey, you don't
understand women at all.

Yeah, well, that makes
me a charter member

of a very large fraternity.

Well, look, I'll get Alice to
stay in her room until he leaves.

Yeah, well, Sam has remarkable
staying power, you know.

Well, think of something, honey.

You-you're very
good at things like that.

Please? Yeah, but...
Just get rid of him.

Hi, Mr. Brady.

Hi, Sam.

Well, tonight's the semifinals

of the supermarket
bowling league. Yeah?

Us meat cutters against
the bread and pastry boys.

Sounds like pretty
"crumby" competition.

( laughing)

"Crumby" competition...
bread and pastry...

I like that, Mr. Brady.

Hey, can I use that?

Yeah, just don't tell
anybody where you got it.

I thought I'd take
Alice along to watch.

You know, she's a great
little rooter for us meat cutters;

a great little rooter.

Uh, Sam...

I'd like to have a
little talk with you

about... women.

Women?!

Yeah.

Oh, you can count
on me, Mr. Brady.

If you and the missus
are having a little problem,

I'll do anything I can to help.

No, no, no, Sam.

It's not me.

It's, uh, uh... it's you.

Me?!

Yeah.

I got no problem
with Mrs. Brady.

No, no, it's not
Mrs. Brady, Sam.

It's, uh, Alice.

Oh, I didn't know I was
having a problem with Alice.

Oh, you're not,
you're not, you're not.

But you might.

What kind?

Well, look, uh...

you're kind of
catching Alice off guard,

arriving here unexpectedly.

Women like to be
prepared, you know,

with their dress just
so and their face just so.

Oh, Mr. Brady,

Alice's face is my inspiration.

I see her face in
every bowling ball,

her figure in every bowling pin.

It sure is a pretty pin, Alice.

It's a cameo.

Been in my family
for generations.

It's fantabulous.

Yeah. As each
woman gets married,

she passes it along
to the next one.

So far, I hold the record

for holding onto it the longest.

Excuse me, Alice.

Alice, did you forget

that you have a date
with Sam tonight?

I never forget my dates
with Sam, Mrs. Brady.

Or any other male
of the species. Why?

He's here.

Oh, no!

Wow! Two guys showing up

on the very same night.

Maybe they'll fight
over you, Alice.

That'd be out of sight.

Don't you girls have
some homework to do?

No. No.

Come on, run along.

Just a few more minutes?

Two guys fighting
over her... wow.

I wish I had two
guys fighting over me!

Alice, I took the liberty

of asking Mr. Brady

to make some excuse to Sam.

Yeah, that could
be embarrassing.

Thank you, Mrs. Brady.

Well, he should be gone by now.

Imagine, two men
fighting over me.

Aw, two men will
never fight over me.

Why wouldn't they?

Yeah, Alice, why wouldn't they?

I get the picture, Mr. Brady.

So I'll just trot down
to a pay phone,

call back, and
see if Alice is...

Mr. Brady, by any chance,
did you happen to see...

S-Sam.

Evening, Alice.

Boy, you look
real spiffy tonight.

Well, th-thank you, Sam.

Of course, you didn't
have to get so dressed up.

I mean, it's only
the semifinals.

Uh, "semifinals"?

You know... bowling.

Us meat cutters
versus bread and pastry.

Oh, yeah. Well, that, uh...

sounds like... quite a match.

But, uh, Sam...

we didn't have a date tonight.

I know, Alice.

I didn't mean to
catch you off guard

but, well, since you're
all gussied up, let's go.

Sam!

Uh... I can't go out
with you tonight.

Aw, come on, Alice!

Just because I didn't
call and ask you for a date.

Look, I meant to, but
then Mrs. Larson came in

and wanted a round
steak ground six times...

Sam, that isn't it.

I have another date tonight.

Another date?! With who?

Well... I know!

You're going out
with the milkman.

Jerry?!

I should have known.

When I stopped by
last Tuesday morning

I heard the way he
rattled your bottles!

Sam, it is not Jerry.

Ah, then it's Gus
from fresh fruit

at the supermarket!

I see the way he looks at you

when you're
squeezing the melons.

Sam, it isn't Gus
and it isn't Jerry.

It's an old friend of mine
who's passing through town

and I'm having dinner with him.

Oh, well, if it's
just an old friend,

that's something else again.

I tell you what, Alice.

If the meat cutters win tonight,

suppose I drop by
about : tomorrow

and take you for
the finals, okay?

Well, I'd like that, Sam,

except that I sort of half
promised Mark, my friend,

that I wouldn't
make any other plans

while he was here.

Well, how long is
that going to be?

Only a week.

Alice, listen,

a sip of this might calm
you down a little bit.

I think the coffee would just
make me nervouser, Mr. Brady.

( doorbell rings)

It's him. It's him!

Where are you going?!
Aren't you going to stay?

Well, Alice, we wouldn't
want to be in the way.

Oh, believe me, you'd
be more in the way

if you were out of the way.

( doorbell rings)

Okay, okay, but, now,
listen, try to be calm.

Oh, I'm fine. Really, I am.

My handkerchief isn't, but I am.

Listen, I'm going to
get the door, okay?

Would you please?

I really don't think I
could turn the knob.

Good evening.

Mr. Millard? Yes.

I'm Mike Brady. Come on in.

Alice is waiting for you.

Oh, thank you very much.

Alice.

Mark.

Mark.

Alice.

Uh... oh!

Thank you.

Alice, you look
absolutely wonderful.

I do?! Uh-huh.

Well, that's awfully
sweet of you to say, Mark.

You don't look so bad yourself.

How could all these
years have gone by

and never touched you at all?

Oh, well, they touched me.

It's just the dents don't
show so much at night.

( forced chuckle)

Oh! Uh, you met Mr. Brady,
and this is Mrs. Brady.

Oh, how do you do, Mrs.
Brady. Hello, Mr. Millard.

And their eyes.

Hmm?

Do you know what time it is?

Mm...

about ten minutes
since the last time

you asked me
what time it is... oh!

It's almost : and
Alice isn't home yet.

( sighs)

Honey, Alice is
not one of the kids.

Well, I know, but she's...

well, she's out with a man

that's practically
a stranger to her.

Well, I'm sure she
can take care of herself.

Mark looks okay.

Yes, but appearances
can be very deceiving.

Well, we don't even
know what he's really like.

Listen, what are you going to
do when Marcia starts to date?

Probably get no sleep, ever.

Well, how about you?

You're pretty wide awake.
Why aren't you asleep?

Because it's : and
Alice isn't home yet.

Yeah.

( car door closing in distance)

See? Now, there she is.

She's home and you
can go to sleep happy.

Good night. Don't be silly.

Now I got to see if
she had a good time.

( humming happily)

She had a good time.

And then, tonight,

he's taking me to
the King's Lodge,

that big, new, fancy place.

Where, I'm sure

you wouldn't want
this price tag to show.

Oh! Thank you.

I thought I'd give
this new dress

a trial run this afternoon

before the Grand Prix tonight.

Boy, this Mr. Millard

sure is giving you the big rush.

A different restaurant
every single night.

Dancing till all hours.

You know, a week
of this will k*ll me.

What a way to go!

It wouldn't surprise me

if Mr. Millard wasn't
building up to something.

Like what?

Like rekindling that old flame.

Can you help me
with this zipper?

Sure. You mean the
thought of marriage never...

( inhales)

crept in?

Well, if it did any creeping,
it was with me, not him.

Well, what if he brought
the subject up now, Alice?

What would you say?

I don't really
know what I'd say.


I'd sure listen a lot.

Mr. Brady and I certainly hope

it works out the way
you want it to, Alice.

There.

Oh, boy.

Now I know where
those calories went.

I been sitting on them.

Well, I guess

we could let it out
a little for tonight.

Or take me in a little today.

( inhales)

Four...

Five... ( groaning)

Six...

You're not supposed to
move your legs at all, Alice.

How could they move

with you hanging onto one and
Marcia holding onto the other?

Well, they wiggled a little.

And you won't lose
weight even wiggling a little.

Seven... ( groaning)

Ugh!

You don't have to stop, Alice.

I can count higher.

What's all that goo

supposed to do for you, Alice?

Oh, tighten up my skin.

Who wants tight skin?

Well, not really tighten it.

It sort of tones up
the facial muscles.

How long are you supposed
to leave that stuff on?

Oh, I'll take it off

about an hour before
Mr. Millard gets here.

On the other hand,

I might be better
off leaving it on.

Well, men, how does
everything look from there?

Hey, look at Alice!

Boy, real neato.

PETER: Like, wow!

Alice, you are gorgeous.

Oh, go on.

I mean, go on and
on and on and on.

Mmm!

Vichyssoise is
such a pretty name

for cold potato soup,
don't you think so?

You haven't even touched yours.

How can I eat, Alice,

when I can't take
my eyes off you?

( laughing): Oh, Mark.

You've blossomed
with the years, Alice.

You do have a way with words.

How much longer do you
think you're going to be in town?

Well, that's hard to tell.

I'm trying to finish
up a business deal.

Oh, you tycoons.

( wry laugh)

Not really.

It's a deal that, um...

I don't think the topic
would interest you.

Try me.

Well, I've been at
meetings all week

on a very unusual
investment opportunity.

As a matter of fact, it's so
good I was a little concerned

but it really checks out.

Well, I've got a little nest egg

that isn't hatching very
much in my bank account.

A bank is the best place
to let a nest egg hatch.

Besides, any business deal
is bound to be speculative.

Now... how about some wine?

Something sparkling
to go with your eyes.

( laughing): Oh, Mark.

Would you be getting
in on the ground floor

of this investment opportunity?

Forget that, Alice. There
are other ground floors

but very few charming ladies.

Oh, where are you headed, Alice?

Oh, the bank.

Soon as I get the
breakfast dishes put away.

Oh, well, I'm
going right by there.

I'll drop you off. Thanks.

In the meantime, if you
need a couple of dollars...

No, thanks. I'm about to
enter the world of high finance.

High finance? What do you mean?

Well, Mark has this great
investment opportunity

and he's letting me in on it.

Oh? What kind of opportunity?

To get in on the ground floor.

Of what?

Well, he didn't say exactly.

Well, what's the
name of the company?

I don't think he mentioned it.

But, anyway, the name of the
company isn't anywhere near

as important as what they do.

Well, what do they do, Alice?

I don't know exactly.

He said it was
kind of speculative.

But just about that time,

I got the feeling we was
about to pop the question,

so, uh, I didn't want
to rock the boat.

Did he pop the question?

Not quite.

Well, I'll, uh... I'll
go, uh, get my coat.

Well, what sort of investment?

Carol, what type
of business is it?

No, no, I don't blame you.

It makes me suspicious, too.

Listen, when are you
taking her to the bank?

Okay, I'll tell you what.

While you do that, I'll make
a couple of fast calls, okay?

Right. Okay, bye-bye.

I feel like such a fool.

Oh, I didn't like
interfering, Alice,

but, well, you are
one of the family.

After Mrs. Brady
called me, Alice,

I phoned a friend of mine

at the district
attorney's office

and he did a quick
rundown on Mark Millard,

and he's going to stop by

to ask you a few questions.

Mark sure was smooth.

Well, he's an
incurable gambler...

You know, horses,
cards, you name it.

And he uses unsuspecting
women to support himself.

How could I have been so stupid?

I actually thought he might
be popping the question.

He might have.

Right now, he's paying
alimony to five wives

and trying to keep a
jump ahead of the sixth.

Six wives?!

And you might've
been the seventh.

Well, that's what I call
making seven the hard way.

Well, Alice, when were you
going to give him the money?

He'll be coming by soon.

( doorbell rings)

That's my friend

from the district
attorney's office.

Now, relax, Alice.

Oh. Mr. Millard.

Hello, Mr. Brady. How
nice to find you at home.

Well... can't tell you how
happy I am to be here.

Come on in. Alice
is waiting for you.

Oh, splendid. I'm anxious

for a little chat with her.

Well, how are you, Mrs. Brady?

I couldn't be
better, Mr. Millard.

Alice, I wonder if you and I

could have a moment together?

Mr. Millard...

I took the liberty of
talking to a friend of mine

in the district attorney's
office this morning.

Oh?

And he did some checking for us.

That is, for Alice.

And he's on his way over
here right now, Mr. Millard.

Oh?

Mark?

Sorry, but that's life, Alice.

Well, I guess I'll be on my way.

I can, uh, see myself out.

Wait a minute. Just a second.

( doorbell rings)

Hey, just... wait!

Hold on!

( thud and groan)

Sam, what'd you do to him?

Nothing.

I was just getting
to the patio door,

and he ran right into
your frozen leg of lamb.

( doorbell rings)

Oh, uh, listen, I
better get my friend.

Quick, quick!

Say, who is that guy, anyway?

That's that old friend of mine

I was telling you about.

Well, anyway, I'm sorry
he ran into your leg of lamb.

Yeah, so am I.

I wish you'd been carrying
a whole side of beef.

Sam, would you put that

in the freezer for me, please?

Sure, Alice.

( whistling)

There. A perfect
little picnic for two.

I sure hope you enjoy
your day off, Alice.

Oh, we will, Mrs. Brady.

Well, have a good time.

Thanks, Mr. Brady.

Hey, what's the matter, men?

Our plane.

There's not enough room
in the backyard, Dad. Hmm?

Well, Alice and I are
going to Highland Park.

A could take off there.

You want to go with us?

Hey, that'd be
great! Yeah, great!

Yeah!

And bring the girls to watch.

Okay. That's a good idea.

Sam, that's eight
stomachs to fill

with food for two.

Oh, that's okay.

We'll stop by my shop;
I'll pick up some cold cuts.

Here, I'll put this in the car.

Well, Alice, you didn't
have much choice, did you?

Oh, I love having the
kids along, Mrs. Brady.

Of course, it isn't
terribly romantic.

On the contrary,
it's very romantic.

It is?

Yeah. For us.

Mike, you cut that out.

Have a good time, Alice.

CAROL: Oh, Alice...
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