03x09 - The Private Ear

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Brady Bunch". Aired: September 1969 to March 1974.
A woman with three daughters marries a widower with three sons.
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03x09 - The Private Ear

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♪ Here's the story ♪

♪ Of a lovely lady ♪

♪ Who was bringing up ♪

♪ Three very lovely girls ♪

♪ All of them had hair of gold ♪

♪ Like their mother ♪

♪ The youngest one in curls ♪

♪ It's the story of a
man named Brady ♪

♪ Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪

♪ They were four
men living all together ♪

♪ Yet they were all alone ♪

♪ Till the one day when ♪

♪ The lady met this fellow ♪

♪ And they knew that it was ♪

♪ Much more than a hunch ♪

♪ That this group must ♪

♪ Somehow form a family ♪

♪ That's the way we all ♪

♪ Became the Brady Bunch ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch ♪

♪ That's the way we became ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch. ♪



Jan, the truth...

Do you see anything
different about me?

Your right eye looks bloodshot.

I mean my expression.


Oh, good!

I thought the whole
world could see it.

Well, let me look again.

Jan, can you keep a secret?


You have to give me
your solemn promise.

My solemn word.

I'm in love.


Who is it this time?

What do you mean, this time?

The others were just
schoolgirl crushes.

Is there a difference?

Is there a difference?

Is there a difference

between a sh**ting
star and a firecracker?

Who is he?

Andrew Whittaker.

Is he gorgeous?

Well, he will be

once his complexion clears up.

I'm so happy!

And I'm miserable.

How can you be both?

It's easy when you're in love.

If that's love, I'd rather
have the measles.

I'm going to go
down for some milk.

Hey, remember...

You swore not to tell anybody.

I couldn't even explain it.

( tape rewinding)

JAN: Who is it this time?

MARCIA: What do
you mean, this time?

The others were just
schoolgirl crushes.

JAN: Is there a difference?

MARCIA: Is there a difference?

Is there a difference

between a sh**ting
star and a firecracker?

JAN: Who is he?

MARCIA: Andrew Whittaker...

( whistling tune)

What are you doing?


You're not just doing nothing.

You're staring at me.

Why are you staring at me?

You... you look different.

What do you mean, different?

It's... it's hard to explain.

It's like...

like you're happy and
miserable at the same time.

Peter Brady, you know something.

Not me.

I don't even know the difference

between a sh**ting
star and a firecracker.

You do know!

Know what?

You know what, what.



You told, Jan. You told.

What did I tell?

You know what you told.

I did not. I didn't say a thing.

Well, not to me, she didn't.

Hasn't opened her mouth,
except to gobble cookies.

Who do you think I told?

You know who, and you know what

and about you know whom.

Now it will be all
over... you know where,

and I'll die of humiliation.

Well, whoever it is, they
didn't find out from me.

Why don't you tell you
know who what's what,

and maybe we can work it out.

If you can't trust
you own sister

to keep a solemn promise,
you can't trust anyone.

Look, Marcia, I promised
not to, and I didn't.

How can you look
me straight in the eye

and tell me an outright fib?

Jan, this is the end of our...

of our sisterhood!

I didn't tell!

Honest, I didn't.

What in the world is
all that shouting about?

Well, just a little
disagreement, Mrs. Brady.

About what?

Well, it seems that
Marcia accused Jan

of telling you know who
about you know whom,

and pretty soon it will
be all over you know what.

Alice, I want to thank you

for clearing that up for me.


What are you doing?

What does it look
like I'm doing?

Fixing a clock.

Gee, how'd you
ever figure that out?

Boy, you sure are edgy today.

I'm always edgy

when people are
breathing down my neck.

Sorry, I can't
inhale all the time.



Did you want to see me?


Uh, Pete, will you get lost?

I have something important
to discuss with Marcia.

It's private.

Sure. I know when
I'm not wanted.

What are you doing?

I dropped something.

I want to pick it up. You mind?

GREG: Well, hurry up.

Well, have a nice talk.

Marcia, can I trust
you to keep a secret?

My word, unlike some people's,

is as good as gold.

I'm in kind of a jam.

And if Mom and
Dad found out about it

I'd get one of those lectures

which I probably deserve

but which I'm not in the
mood for at the moment.

What'd you do?

Last year I had an
assignment in English class

to read The Red
Badge of Courage.

I got it out of the library,
and read it, and then forgot it.

Yeah, some books are like that.

They just don't stay with you.

What I mean is, I forgot to
return the book to the library.

You mean it was overdue?


The fine was like
the national debt.

Wiped me out.

I don't see why Mom and
Dad should get so mad.

Forgetting to return a library
book can happen to anybody.

Yeah, well, this is my
third offense this term,

so I'd rather not ask Dad for
an advance on my allowance.

If you could lend me
enough for lunch money

I'd sure appreciate it.

MARCIA: Okay, I'll
lend you the money.

GREG: Thanks, Marcia,
and mum's the word?

MARCIA: Mum's the word.

Read any good books lately?

Uh, why'd you bring
that up all of a sudden?

No reason.

Just making conversation.

How about last year?

Read any good books last year?

I don't remember.

Some older brother you are.

You're supposed to
set a good example

so I don't end up reading trash.

Read w*r and Peace.

How about... The Red
Badge of Courage?

How about The Red
Badge of Courage?

Well, I heard it was great.

It must be, because when I
went down to the library to get it

the librarian said it's out

and hadn't been
returned in almost a year.


Did you want me?

Maybe for the
last time in my life.

What's that supposed to mean?

You told Peter...
And don't deny it.

I didn't tell him a thing.

So you told somebody
who told Peter.

I didn't tell anybody!

How did he find out?

I don't know.
Maybe he's got ESP.

ESP? Marcia, don't
just sit there and deny...

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, what
are you kids arguing about?

Dad, this is kind of private.

Oh, well, in that case,
have a nice argument.

I didn't tell him a thing.

( whistling tune)

Hey, sweetheart.

Hi, honey.

When's the rummage sale start?

I was just checking my old
ski clothes for this weekend,

but the moths b*at me to it.

Then you could
use a new ski thing.

Guaranteed off-limits to moths.

Oh, Mike, thank you.

Oh, my goodness,
what brought this on?

( sighs)

Mike, it's lovely.

It will be even
lovelier when it's filled.

How was your day?

Oh, the usual.

Marcia and Jan
are still feuding.

Hmm, that's funny.
Marcia and Greg

were just fussing
and feuding, too.

Wonder what that's all about?

I haven't a clue.

You did.

I didn't.

You did, too.

I did not.

Hey, what are you
two arguing about?

Well, you might as well know.

She told everybody else.

I got called into
the principal's office

for chewing gum in class.

That's not exactly the
crime of the century.

Well, just the same,
a secret's a secret.

I did not say a word.

Anyone for dinner?

If I wanted to tell you know who

about you know what

I would have told
you know who myself.

Seems to me I've
heard that song before.

( dinnerware clinking)

What is this, a silent contest?

If silence is golden, this
must be worth a fortune.

( laughing)

( clinking glass)

MIKE: Okay, kids, that's it.

You are all released
from your vow of silence

and I want to hear
a little conversation

and not about the weather.

Well... I confided
something in Jan

and she told it to everybody.

You accused me of
being a stool pigeon.

You can't trust anybody, Dad.

Kind of makes you mad when
your own sister rats on you.

I didn't rat on you.

BOBBY: You did,
too. It doesn't matter...

Oh, no, I can't even trust
you. You tell everybody

else about it. Marcia, I've
told you secrets before,

and I haven't blamed you
for... Well, of course, I guess

that's typical from
a sister like you...

JAN: for telling it around,
like you really have.

( kids shouting)

MARCIA: That's not very nice...

GREG: That's the last
time I'll tell you anything.

( shouting continues)

( shouting continues)

Guess you're wondering
why we've asked you

to this private caucus.

It kind of entered my mind.

From what we've
been able to learn,

there's a security leak in
the Brady administration.

You seem to come
off as Mr. Know-it-all.

Any explanations?

Gee, I didn't think it
would turn out like this.

You didn't think what
would turn out like what?


I kind of bugged the rooms
with Dad's tape recorder.

You kind of what?!

Peter, why would you
do a thing like that?

I only did it for a joke.

You think eavesdropping

on people's private
conversations is a joke?

I meant it to be.

Son, invasion of privacy
is a serious offense.

People can be sued for that.

You mean my own brothers
and sisters are going to sue me?

Well, since this
is a first offense

I think they might
settle for an apology.


So I'm sorry.

What I did was dumb and stupid,

but I really didn't
mean any harm.

So I'd appreciate it

if you'd just forgive me, okay?

Okay. Okay.

All right. Okay.

It was kind of funny anyway.

I forgive you.

Okay. You're forgiven.

Jan, will you ever forgive me?

I don't blame
you. It really must

have looked like I
snitched. I'm sorry.

That's okay. Want
some bubble gum?

Sure. Don't worry about it.

Marcia, I should have known

you're not the kind
of a person to...

JAN: Bobby, do you have
any extra bubble gum?

CINDY: I've got
one more piece...

JAN: Maybe you can
go down to the store...

You know, he's getting
away with m*rder.

All he has to do is apologize.

I know. What kind
of punishment is that?

None. He'll just do it again.

He probably will.

( sighs)

But there's nothing
we can do about it.

Wait. Maybe there is.


Give him a taste
of his own medicine.

I mean, if Peter

is so crazy about listening

to other people's conversations
on the tape recorder,

why not give him
something to really listen to?

Okay, let's give
that private ear

something he'll really
enjoy listening to.


Do you know what to say now?

Yeah. I'd love to see Peter's
face when he hears this.

Boy, that Peter's a
lucky son of a g*n,

isn't he, Marcia?

Whatever do you mean, Gregory?

Cut. Erase.

What is this "Whatever do
you mean, Gregory" stuff?

Well, that's what I
was supposed to say.

Yeah, but not like you're
the Queen of England.

Just be yourself. Okay?


Boy, that Peter's a
lucky son of a g*n,

isn't he, Marcia?

What do you mean, Greg?

I mean, Mom and Dad
throwing Peter a surprise party.

Are they really going to?

Sure. And he deserves it.

I mean Peter's been
failing geometry all year,

and then, bang, he buckles
down and brings home an "A."

Mom and Dad are so proud,

they had to do
something for him.

We should, too.

Are you gonna get him a present?

I sure am... something special.

We should all get him presents.

I just hope he doesn't find out.

Not a chance.

Mom and Dad have
it worked out great.

They're gonna pretend
they're driving away

on their skiing trip Friday,

but they're really gonna
come back for the party.

Gee, that's terrific.

Boy, will Peter be surprised.

Okay, Mr. Big Ears,
what's the big idea?


Don't give me
that innocent jazz.

Haven't you learned
your lesson yet?

What'd I do?

Marcia found this under her desk

and it was going.

Well, I didn't put it there.

Sure, you didn't.
Now, put it back

in Dad's den, where it belongs,

and don't let me catch
you using it again.

Boy, you're sure not the
forgiving type, are you?

What was that all about?

GREG: Boy, that Peter's

a lucky son of a
g*n, isn't he, Marcia?

MARCIA: What do you mean, Greg?

GREG: I mean, Mom and Dad

throwing Peter a surprise party.

MARCIA: Are they
really going to?

GREG: Sure. And
he deserves it. Wow.

I mean, Peter's
been failing geometry

all year, and then, bang,
he brings home an "A."

Mom and Dad are so proud,
they had to do something for him.

MARCIA: We should, too. Are
you going to get him a present?

GREG: I sure am.

Something special. Wow.

MARCIA: We should all get
him a present. I just hope he...

You keep looking
at me kind of funny.

Am I doing it wrong?

The raised eyebrows are
not for how you're doing it

but why you're doing it.

Well, I just think

a person should
help another person

whenever he can, that's all.

Like, I loaned my baseball mitt

to a friend who lost his.

The only trouble is,
now I don't have one.

I sure could use a
new baseball mitt.

Hi, everybody.

Well, Alice, what do you think?

If you're not crowned
snow queen, Mrs. Brady,

the fix is in.

You look terrific, Mom.

Thank you very much.

Hope you have a great
time at the ski lodge.

( chuckles)

What's so funny?


Well, I've had these
ski pants for years.

I'm surprised they still fit.

Well, you watch your
figure, Mrs. Brady.

Yeah. I watch mine, too.

And it's done some things
that have shocked me.

( whispers): Oh, Alice.

My only problem is
that I'm still growing.

Like last year, my
feet were too small

for cowboy boots.

Now they're just right.

Especially brown cowboy boots.

Well, I guess I'll just
be moseying along.

( guitar picking western tune)

Brown cowboy boots.

I know a hint when I hear one.

He's also shy one baseball mitt.

But his birthday
isn't for months.

I guess he figures shop
early, avoid the rush.

What's the matter
with that thing?



I finished waxing your car.

Anything else I can do?

Waxing my car? How come?

Well, all the pollution here

can really ruin the paint.

If there's nothing else

I guess I'll mow the lawn.

It's night.

I doubt if the grass
has grown very much

since you mowed it this morning.

You certainly are
ambitious today, Peter.

I guess I'm just
in a working mood.

Need a hand with the typewriter?

No. I think it's had it.

This carriage is
in the last stages

of rigor mortis.

The tab key isn't
too well either.

It'd be neat if we
had a new typewriter.

I know if I had a typewriter

then you could use it.

Everybody could.

A typewriter would really help

with my schoolwork.

A typewriter is something

a guy can really use.


Hi, Pete. Hi.

Anything I can do for you guys?

No, thanks. Me either.

Well, if you need anything,
just holler, but holler loud,

'cause I'll be up in my
room listening to records.

It won't bother us.

It might, because my records
are kind of scratchy and warped.

I sure need some new records.

Yes, sir, I could really
dig some new records.


Brave hunter, you
like Eskimo wife?

Hey, now, that's something.

Yeah. I may lose you
to Smokey the Bear.

Well, do you like it?

Yeah. How much it cost?

I borrowed it from Barbara.

( laughs): I love it.

( laughs)

Oh, I don't know.
This thing is hopeless.

You know, I think I'm
gonna put my notes on tape.

Honey, you want to
hand me the tape recorder

over there on the table?


Hey, listen, do you know why

Peter mowed the
lawn twice yesterday?

Well, I think he's trying to make
up for the trouble he caused

with this thing.
( button clicks)

GREG: I mean, Mom and Dad
throwing Peter a surprise party.

MARCIA: Are they
really going to?

Surprise party?

GREG: Sure. And he deserves it.

I mean, Peter's been
failing geometry all year,

and then, bang, he
brings home an "A."

Mom and Dad are so proud,
they had to do something for him.

MARCIA: We should, too. Are
you going to get him a present?

Bye! Have a good time.

We'll be back next
Sunday night, okay?

ALL: Okay. Bye!

Sure, you will.

We really got Peter going.

What are you all dressed up for?

Just getting ready.

For what?

Nothing in particular.

When you get to be my age

you kind of go through
a neatness period.

Boy, I hope that
never happens to me.

Wouldn't hurt you to
look a little neater tonight.

You're off your rocker.

MARCIA: The queen can
move in any direction, can't she?

GREG: Yes.

MARCIA: I don't think I
want to make that move.

Hi. Hi.

You're sure dressed up.


Well, I don't want to
interrupt your game.

Think I'll have a glass of milk.

Gee, he's really all charged up

about the party.

I... I feel kind of
funny about it now.

Me, too.

Think we ought to
tell him the truth?

Pete, we better talk to
you about something.


Listen, there's...
not going to be

any surprise party.

Surprise party?

Peter, it was a joke.

GREG: A bad one.
We were just trying

to teach you a lesson.

MARCIA: So we taped

that stuff about
the surprise party

on the tape recorder.


Well, I don't blame
you guys for being sore.

I guess I really deserve it.

CAROL: Surprise!

Surprise party! Hey,
where is everybody?

Kids! Alice!

Peter! Peter!


( all talking at once)

We're having a party for Peter.

JAN: How come?

Because he got
an "A" in geometry.

Greg and Marcia
said it was a joke.

Oh, it's no joke, honey.

Neat! Gee, we didn't
buy any presents.

Oh, yes, you did, and
you're gonna be amazed

at what good taste you all have.

Come on. How about
opening them up?

We got to get back
to the lodge tonight.

Okay. BOBBY: Yeah.

Mom, Dad, how'd you
two find out about it?

Well, a little tape recorder
told us. ( paper tearing)

That was pretty unfair of
you two. Why'd you do it?

Well, Peter really
played a dirty trick on us.

And all the punishment he got

was that he had to
promise not to do it again.

Well, sometimes a
promise is enough.

I think from now on
you two had better

leave the discipline
to us, okay?


We're sorry.

PETER: Wow! Look at this!

KIDS: Whoa! Gee!

A tape recorder of my very own.

Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Dad.

I think you know what to do

with one of those, right?

Say, Pete, do me a
favor, open this one next.

It's from me. I'm dying
to see what I got you.

( laughing) You'll
love it, Alice.

( tape rewinding)

GREG: Hi, Pete. Hi.

How do you like
your new recorder?

It's really neat.
And I was just going

to tell you guys if
you want to borrow it,

you can borrow it
anytime you want.

Thanks. Hey, a thing like
that can come in handy.

I mean, for school work
and taking notes in class.

Yeah, but it's kind of tricky,
so you better be careful.

See this button?

That's what you press
when you want to record.

And this button's where you press when
you want to listen to what you recorded.

But don't press that button,

'cause I already
got some stuff on it.

But you wouldn't
be interested in that.

( Peter whistling)

Did you hear that?
He's just dying

for us to listen to
what he recorded.

Should we listen?

Sure. That's what he wants.

PETER: I, Peter Brady,
do hereby solemnly swear

to forgive Greg and Marcia for
the crummy thing they did to me.

And shame on you for listening
when you shouldn't have.

( laughs)

( both chuckling)
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