01x02 - The Snowball Effect

[bunniefuu]

♪ Someday, someday I'll come to you ♪

♪ On a lovely... ♪

Trimming Snowball's
nails is not the easiest,

so thanks again, Lara.

I mean, not what I
went to vet school for,

but it's fine. I don't mind
doing a one-time favour.

- This one time.
- Grand.

Lara is our best and only vet,
so you behave, got it?

She doesn't answer. Although can
you imagine what would she say?

- Can we get on with this?
- (LAUGHING)

Yeah. That does sound
like her. What a diva.

No. I mean, I've got to remove
a dog's spleen in ,

- so...
- Right, right. Okay.

I'll let you do your thang.

(SNOWBALL WHINING)

(GROWLING)

Oh. Don't grip her paw too tight.

Sorry. My faux pas.

In my head, "pas" was spelled P-A-W.

(GROWLING, MEOWING)

- Oh, she, uh...
- Uh, I did a surgical rotation in Tonga.

So I think I can trim your
cat's nails without guidance.

Absolutely.

(GROWLING)

Um, yeah.

Okay. Is there a way that
you usually calm her?

- I just stroke her ears.
- Okay.

- I can show you.
- Oh...

Wow. That is relaxing.

NIKKI: Why did Kristian
schedule me for Friday night?

I specifically told you
I don't work Fridays...

This is a weird place to work.

♪ I don't lose my cool ♪

♪ I love to call you up ♪

♪ And whenever I'm with you, my baby ♪

♪ I keep my Fahrenheit ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ I never lose my cool ♪

- Someone will be with you shortly.
- Okay.

Oh, Shannon? These are the Rosarios.

Oh, nice to meet you.

Any friend of Joy's is a friend of mine.

- Who's Joy?
- I'm Joy.

We're here to get Baxter.

Oh, you're adopting one of our
furry friends. Congratulations.

- Joy?
- Hmm?

Sorry. Just a sec.

I thought you were helping the Rosarios.

Oh. No, no, no. I deal with
numbers, not animals.

The last director, Todd,
was very clear about that.

"Stick to your lane, Jane."

- He called you Jane?
- Only the first three years.

Well, Todd is not here anymore.

I am. And everybody's got to
jump in, get their hands dirty.

Team effort.

Okay. Wow. Exciting.

Uh, just two quick questions:

are the adoption forms in the back,

and do I have to give
the animals needles?

Please don't give anyone needles.

We already filled out the application.

We're just here to pick up.

- Oh, thank God.
- Congratulations again.

Okay. Well... right this way.

(CHUCKLING)

Good news about the needles, huh?

(WHINING)

What a sausage party.

I know I call everything that,

but Oktoberfest is the real deal.

I'm so bloated from that salty bratwurst

I can barely get my feet
in my shoes. Hold on.

One sec. (RETCHING, GASPING)

Okay. False alarm.

Ugh. I'm never drinking again.

Oh, Nikki, I try to be positive.

Oh, can you hold on one sec?

I'm kind of on my break, so...

You came to work minutes ago

and drank my green tea latté.

Well, it's called self-care,
and my morale is a bit low

'cause somebody scheduled
me to work Friday.

Friday is one of the weekdays
in which everybody works.

That's herd mentality.

And I'm trying, okay?
But my feet are swollen,

I'm exhausted, and are
you wearing cologne?

It's musk.

The animals bully me
less when I wear it.

It's not helping. I threw
up twice this morning.

- That's what that was.
- Oh, God.

And now I have to pee again.
It feels like someone's sitting

on my bladder.

- This is private.
- Sorry.

No, I told you. I can't drink. No.

I got to put other things
ahead of partying right now.

No. Of course I can have White Claws.

It's basically fruit punch.

(LAUGHING)

Thanks for these. A lot
of information here.

Shelter board meeting
and you're the chair.

- Don't want you winging it.
- Oh, no chance of that.

Ooh. I started moving things
into the condo. So exciting.

Yeah. I noticed all the
boxes in the hallway.

Hoarder alert. Sometimes I
fantasize about being robbed

just so I can downsize.

Don't joke.

- I've been robbed. It's not pretty.
- You've been robbed?

- Yep.
- Tell me who did it

- and I'll crush him like a grape.
- Oh, no thanks.

It happened, like, a million years ago.

But imagine waking up to masked
intruders in your apartment.

Oh, my God. In our building?
Should I buy pepper spray?

- No. Different apartment.
- (SIGHING)

Hugh and I had just started
dating. I was in my room

when I heard these guys
downstairs whispering.

"Come on, Peaches.

Leave the Architectural
Digest, Peaches."

So, I grabbed a cordless massager

Hugh had bought me and
I crept downstairs.

I have never felt so wired
and yet... relaxed.

- And then what happened?
- I smashed Peaches over the head,

then tripped his friend with the
massager's charging station.

Oh, my God.

And I Bunzed the massager for a Vitamix.

I would die for a Vitamix.

Though I'm glad you didn't have to.

Hey.

Sorry. Don't mean to bother you.

Just need some signatures on cheques.

Sure, and then I might just
have to get Snowball home

before her separation anxiety kicks in.

Uh, I feel that.

My mom gives me vitamins
to calm me down.

Joy, those are benzos.

I don't know vitamins by name,
but they sure take the edge off.

I don't understand.
I left her right here.

(MEOWING)

Ah. There she is.

- Hiya, Snowy.
- Uh, that's not Snowball.

Snowball is smoky white.
This cat is mascarpone, at best.

And Snowball has got
Persian ears, not oval.

She probably just looks different

because you're seeing her
here and not at home.

Kind of like when you see a
co-worker outside of work

and you panic and pretend
to be a mannequin.

Joy, which cat did you
give the Rosarios today?

Baxter.

Kind of grey-white, pale green eyes,

- pointy ears.
- Joy, did you give away my cat?

- Oh, my God.
- Joy!

- You told me I was ready.
- Her name is on her collar.

Well, then, maybe it got buried
in her mascarpone fur.

It's smoky white. Oh, my God.
She's probably so scared.

Of course she's scared.
She thinks you abandoned her.

Okay. That's not helping. Can you
just call the Rosarios, please?

I will. And I'll make sure Snowball
knows this wasn't your fault.

Except the whole
bringing-her-to-work part, but...

Yeah. I'm on it. I'm on it.

- (EXHALING SHARPLY)
- (MEOWING)

(GRUNTING)

Hey.

Maybe you shouldn't be
carrying these heavy things.

- It's fine.
- Of course, I am a feminist,

and normally I would never stop you

from carrying whatever it
is that you want to carry.

But just maybe not right now.

Sweet. I'm out.

No. I didn't mean leave work.

Sit down.

I know that your feet are swollen.

Well, brought it on myself.

I just couldn't resist
a sausage, you know?

Ah.

- Mmm.
- Colourful, but yes.

I get it that your biological
clock is ticking.

- What?
- I'm sorry.

I heard you on the phone
with your friend before,

and I hope I didn't stress out you

or the little life that you
are carrying in there.

Oh, my God.

I know that it's early

and you're probably
not telling people yet,

but as your supervisor,
if there is anything you need,

now I get it.

The lethargy and the mood swings

and all the time you
spend in the bathroom.

Yeah. Well, that's why
I needed Friday off.

For the baby.

Of course. Whatever you
need, consider it done.

Appointments or whatever.

Oh, I got a ton of that pre-Lamaze
natal crap coming up,

you know? Next Thursday and Friday.

Mostly right after lunch, but
also first thing in the morning.

Wow. You and your partner
are taking this seriously,

- which is awesome.
- Well, Marko,

my baby daddy, is super-stoked.

He's all, "Oh, my God. A mini-me."

- And I'm, like, "Oh, my God. Stop."
- (CHUCKLING) Yeah.

Well, it's great that you're supported.

Uh-huh. Would you mind passing
me one of those blankets?

Ooh. The first semester is
supposed to be the hardest,

- so I'm def going to need nappage.
- Oh. Uh, sure. Now? Good.

Ooh. Ooh, mm-hmm.

NIKKI: Can you get the
light on your way out?

KRISTIAN: Goodnight, you two.

Mmm.

Again, I can't stress enough
how sorry we are about this.

JOY: Just a crazy mix-up.

Can't really point the
finger at any one person.

You must've really
missed this little guy.

Gal. But yes.

It did help to know she
was in such great hands...

But he's mine.

I know how you feel, but
Snowball belongs here.

You won't go home empty-handed, though.

Right, Joy?

Look who wants to go home with you.

SHANNON: Uh, twinsies, meet Baxter,

the most lovable floof
in all of the land.

If they're the same, you keep him.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Sorry. Lucy is going
through a tough time.

Puberty, right? Wake me when it's over.

- (MRS. ROSARIO CRYING)
- I'm sorry. Was it something I said?

No. It's just, well, Lucy is not
going to be around much longer.

MRS. ROSARIO:
The house will be so empty.

And the thought of saying goodbye...

MR. ROSARIO: Hey. Like you said,

there'll be time for
tears once she's gone.

Of course Lucy can keep Snowball.

Right, Shannon?

Or you know who's even
better than Snowball?

This little guy.

"Hello. Meow. I'm your new best friend.

I want to go home with you."

(BAXTER YELPING, HISSING)

That's how he says hello, so...

Special delivery.

Oh, my God. Thank you. I'm dying here.

- I got you decaf.
- (GAGGING) Why?

I wasn't sure how much
caffeine you'd already had,

and you shouldn't have more
than milligrams a day

because of baby.

- Where'd you hear that?
- Uh, my GP is actually an OB,

which is not really okay
with either of us.

- Bit weird.
- I could whip you up a matcha smoothie.

Half the caffeine and tastes like grass.

Sorry. I always oversell them.

It's fine. I'll just keep
running on adrenaline.

Ah. That's actually worse.

- I'll get you a real coffee.
- You're a gem.

- Need anything else?
- A cinnamon bun, warm.

But a day old, so the flav is peaking.

- Love it.
- And I'm leaving an hour early.

Oh. Uh, yeah, that's fine. We got
a school group coming through.

They can help with the dogs.

Although last time, one of
the kids ate all the dog food

- and threw up.
- Ugh. So glad I don't have kids...

yet.

Well, text me if you need anything else.

I got my phone on full
volume, just in case.

Wow. Obsessed much?

Um, if you have time,

maybe you could take a couple
of the dogs for a walk?

Fresh air might do the fetus some good.

Or put crazy stress on
its unformed brain.

Well, I mean, who knows your
body better than you do?

- Marko does.
- Fair enough.

PAUL: Hey. You got a minute?

Oh, Boss Ross at your ser-voss.

Oh, my God. I'm putting
that on my business cards.

What's up?

Well, I just wanted to say how
much I enjoy working with you

and what a pleasure it
is to come in every day.

- Aw. Thank you, Paul.
- And I quit.

- What?
- It's my resignation letter.

Also my grocery list.

Actually, can I get that
back when you're done?

I'm making a pretty complicated stew.

Paul, no.

I guess I can squeeze one more
night out of that frozen pizza.

No, Paul. You're not quitting.
What's going on?

Well, the thing is, I'm Peaches.

Okay. Let's move away
from the groceries.

No. I mean, like, "Get down on
the floor, you piece of crap!

This is a robbery" Peaches.

Oh, my God. L... Liam's Peaches?

Yeah. And things didn't go exactly
the way he said they went.

It was less he att*cks
me with a massager

and more he rolls up
into a sobbing baby ball.

And he doesn't know it was you?

Not yet, but he'll probably
figure it out when I tell him.

Okay, but hear me out:

what if you don't tell him?

Well, I'm not really comfortable lying.

That's what old Paul would do.
I'm a different person now.

Exactly. Fresh start, right?

Is it really so wrong to do
what's best for yourself

even if it makes a little girl cry?

That's h*m*, Shannon.
Liam's gay. Not a girl.

My point is, that night,
did anybody get hurt?

- No, but...
- And Liam even said

it was a million years ago.

He's over it, and it's not
like you're still a thief.

You're not still a thief, are you?

- Absolutely not.
- See?

No point in dredging up
the past. Case closed.

Court adjourned.
You can't handle the truth.

Yeah.

You're still going to
tell him, aren't you?

Yeah, but that was a really good speech.

But it's the last week
of the Halloween haunt.

No. I already got my
sexy hygienist costume.

No. I'm not going to Wonderland alone.

You said we would do this together.

I know it's a roller-coaster ride,

but you can't back out now.

No. Don't you dare put
me on hold, Marko!

Ugh. He knows how
important this is to me.

Uh...

Anyway, f it.

Look. Maybe it's none of my business,

but you deserve better.

You are creating another human.

You are like an earth goddess,
glowing with life

and potential and shinier hair.

Yo, you still there? You there, Nikki?

Yeah. And you know what?

Kristian's right. I am a goddess.

And my hair is looking
straight wicked right now.

So, if you're not going to respect me,

then lose my number.

(CHUCKLES) Wow.

That was cool.

Yeah, well, no one's ever...
Anyway, thanks.

There's that extra estrogen.

Mm-hmm.

♪ I want to go on an adventure ♪

♪ Take me, I just want... ♪

Yoo-hoo?

- Oh, Aunt Peggy.
- Ah, hi, dear.

Nikki and I are hitting the mall
to have our colours done.

- Oh.
- NIKKI: You should come.

- Yeah.
- You're doing your face really wrong.

I would, but I have
to get Snowball home.

I made her egg, liver and psyllium pâté,

but she's still not eating.

Does she seem off to you?

- NIKKI: Well, someone does.
- Don't tease. Moms worry.

You'll know what it's like one
day, when you're a... aunt.

I could be a mom.

You know, some people
think I'd be a great mom.

Seriously? I know that sounded
more skeptical than affirming,

- but it wasn't.
- Snowball's probably just embarrassed.

Dogs sense fear. Cats
sense social humiliation.

PEGGY: What happened?

Shannon crushed the dreams
of a Make-a-Wish kid.

Okay. That's not true.

Well, from what Joy said,
the kid was head over heels

for Snowball and you
wouldn't give her up.

Well, Snowball is like my kid.

Who would just give away their kid?

- Well, your parents, for one.
- Nikki...

She does make a point.

So, you would just give Nikki away?

No.

There comes a time in every girl's life

where she has to make a tough decision.

And this is yours.

See? Total mom material.

♪ Red hot ♪

♪ Shine so I can see you ♪

♪ When I'm going... ♪

KRISTIAN: Sorry about
the chemical smell.

I know the other day my
musk was a little intense.

It's okay. I can handle it.

I read that your sensitivities
can vary wildly.

What you hate one day,

- you want the next.
- Uh-huh.

Stupid baby hormones, right?

Oh, and I left some
antacids on your desk

to help with the nausea.

Oh, thanks. That's sweet, or whatever.

So... 'sup?

Oh, you're dirty here.

MARKO: Nikki?

Oh, no-no-no bueno. No bueno.

Don't speak fake Spanish.
No one here is impressed.

- Why are you ghosting my texts?
- Why do you think?

Baby, you're seriously going to
ride the log flume without me?

Not to be prescriptive,

but you should probably
avoid all rides right now.

Yeah, except that D-train
last Friday, right? Toot-toot!

I thought you had birthing
class last Friday.

- Yeah. I, uh...
- Birthing class?

Oh, my God. Did the D-train
make it to the station?

No, no. I'm not pregnant.

I thought I was. No, that's not true.

Look. Kristian thought I was,
and I just went with it,

because it was nice to
feel cared for for once.

- God, I am such an idiot.
- No, you're not.

MARKO: Look. I'm sorry that
you thought I didn't care.

Between clocking hours at Tech City,

DJ'ing, part-time landscapery,

I got a full bowl.

I just wanted to go to Wonderland.

Yeah, and I want to take you.

(CHUCKLING)

But I have to finish
my shift first, so...

text you later.

As you wish, señorita.

(GIGGLING)

Peace.

Ah. Sorry about that.

You got to teach people
how to treat you, I guess.

Hey, I really sucked this week.

And even though most of
it was based in lies,

I really appreciated your friendship.

So, I hope we can still
be cool, or something.

It'll probably be "or
something" for a little bit.

You looked really good
cleaning those cages.

Thanks.

So, is it just me,

or did me, you and Marko
have threesome energy?

I'm going to leave now.

You felt it.

Thank you for coming
on such short notice.

You said it was urgent.

It's just that after a lot of journaling

and soul-searching and a few tears,

I want Lucy to have Snowball.

Really?

I saw how happy she made you,
and that made me happy.

- Ugh!
- It's okay, honey.

Baxter purrs before he
strikes. Are you sure?

I mean, of course I'll miss her.

In some ways, Snowball
is my best friend.

Well, if you're willing
to just give her up,

- I mean...
- Okay. You take that back.

I mean, true friendship
is giving that friend away

to a new friend, if it
makes that friend smile.

The new one, not the traded one,

who'll probably miss the
original friend very badly.

I told you not to answer the phone.

It's very sweet of you, but
I don't think we can handle

two cats after Lucy is gone.

Yeah. And it's not like Lucy
can take Snowball with her.

Wow.

Can I just say you two
are amazing parents?

I would be a mess if I was you.

Oh, I will be once she's gone.

- But it's only three weeks.
- Three weeks? Oh, my God.

No. I meant Lucy's going
to be gone for three weeks.

"Only" three weeks?

Our baby is going to sleep-away camp.

It is a very big deal.

Camp? Oh, my God. Yay.

- So fun.
- I mean, I hope so.

It's a camp for kids with cancer.

- Oh. So, Lucy has cancer?
- No. She's a counsellor-in-training.

The kids love her.

Yeah, of course they do.
What's not to love?

We really think it's
because she understands

what they're going through.

She's a cancer survivor herself.

Four years healthy.

Knock on wood.

(PHONE RINGING IN THE BACKGROUND)

I am so sorry.

I feel so bad for you, for Lucy,

for all those kids and
a little bit for myself.

But if I'm being honest,

I don't think I can give up Snowball.

Does that make me a terrible person?

Maybe. We don't really know you.

MRS. ROSARIO: Lucy, dear, we're
going to give Snowball back.

We should get going.

We have to go get Lucy
a new sleeping bag

because Baxter clawed
through the other one.

Such a character.

Ah. Baxter. Hey, buddy. Welcome back.

Joy, this is Snowball.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Whoa. Is this a shakedown, Ross?

You're already getting
your place at cost.

Paul has something he
would like to tell you.

Okay.

Well, um, years ago,
there was an incident

that involved me and you.

Man. This is harder than I thought.

You're doing great.

You know, I had just broken up with
my girlfriend at the time, and...

He's Peaches. The guy
who robbed you years ago.

Oh. Wow.

And I'm very sorry.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

I feel especially bad, because
I know how much I terrified you.

I wasn't terrified.

I can still hear your screams
echoing in my head:

"Help me, please, Mommy!"

Probably my boyfriend.
Now, he was scared.

I was?

- When?
- Nothing, hon.

Well, we should probably get
back to unpacking our groceries

before the crème fraîche
becomes crème stale.

Paul would also like
to read you and Hugh

a perpetrator impact statement.

I, Paul Como, hereby acknowledge

that my behaviour affected
you in the following ways:

I scared you both.

I made Hugh snot-cry like a baby.

- Sorry, when? What?
- Funny story.

When you and I started dating,
remember I got robbed?

- Mm-hmm.
- Well, Paul was one of the robbers.

Oh.

- Yeah.
- Now that I think of it,

Hugh was out of town that weekend,

so, yes, he was snot-crying
at a wedding.

- Anyhoo, water under the bridge.
- Okay. Well...

Yeah. It's just I heard you
up in the bedroom, wailing.

Right.

I was watching Kristen Bell
crying over that sloth. Hmm.

Girl, take a page out of your
own book and let it go.

But why would Kristen Bell be yelling,

"Please don't k*ll my Lee-Lee,
my one true love"?

Oh, my God. It was Daniel.

- Who's Daniel?
- My ex.

Who came by totally platonically
to get his stuff

- and propose.
- PAUL: Wow.

I said no.

I guess I should apologize to
this Daniel guy, too, now?

Yeah. Well, get the number off
Liam. I'm sure he still has it.

- Oh, my God...
- He's a great electrician.

Contractors are my bread
and butter. Right, Ross?

We should go. I don't want to intrude.

To think I almost told
my parents about you.

You haven't told your parents?

Bye.

♪ Let's shake it up ♪

♪ It's kind of scary,
but I'm loving the rush ♪

♪ My heart is racing
like, oh-oh-oh oh-oh ♪

♪ 'Cause this feels like
home (feels like home) ♪

♪ Yeah, it's true ♪

♪ Look in the mirror and
I'm feeling so good ♪

♪ Yeah, I've been searching
like, oh-oh-oh oh-oh ♪

♪ 'Cause this feels like home ♪