01x04 - Trivial Pursuits

[bunniefuu]

- Hey! Hey, guys.
- Oh, hey, Paul.

Just marking down all our
birthdays in the calendar

and it turns out I don't have yours.

Oh, yeah. That makes sense.

- Paul.
- Yeah.

When's your b-dizzle?

Uh, it's kinda complicated.

Oh, come on. Age is just a number.

Well, September th
is my jail birthday.

I got assigned that b-day
when my cellmate found out

we were born on the same day.

Hamburger Mouth was very proprietary.

Aw, Hamburger Mouth!
That's a fun nickname.

He was not fun. You don't even
wanna know what he was in for.

Well, it can't have been worse

than robbing you of your special day.

- He was a cannibal.
- I stand corrected.

Anyway, so, I don't really
celebrate because of that.

Well, forget that big ole b-day bully.

It's time for you to reclaim your day

and you can bet we're gonna fête

- with cake and ice cream.
- Yeah,

I mean, Hamburger's still
in for another years

so, what the heck?

Uh, my real birthday's April th.

- Aren't you gonna write it in?
- Yes, I sure am.

(NERVOUS CHUCKLING)

Looks like we have more in
common than we thought.

Sorry I went a little crazy
with bubble letters.

So silly to think no one else
would have the same b-day.

Many people do including you
and a cannibal apparently,

so, we'll just split the
cake and ice cream.

Did I say the th? I meant the fourth.

- You don't have to lie.
- No, I just forget.

Hamburger and me are
the fourth. April fourth.

Oh, thank God. (GIGGLING)

- Yay, April babies!
- (CHUCKLING)

April fourth: shelter birthday.

Better make a note of that.

♪ I don't lose my cool ♪

♪ I love to call you mine ♪

♪ And whenever I'm with you, my baby ♪

♪ I keep my Fahrenheit ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ I never lose my cool ♪

Ooh! I read that one. Great read.

Is it? A friend of mine had
something published in it.

I find it all kind of boring,

but hashtag women
supporting women, right?

Totally. Women are so boring,

but I support all my friends too.

That's not... But good for you.

So... do you think Ravi's the one?

(SHATTERING)

Sorry.

Um, that's a big question.

'Cause I think I met my soulmate

and you and Ravi seem so together.

Do they?

I mean, they do, but also very
independent from each other.

So what makes you think
this person's your soulmate?

Well, the other day
we were having coffee

and he called me "darling."

Aww. You went on a coffee date?

Sort of.

We didn't talk much.

But when I was leaving,

he asked if I wanted to take
the rest to go and I said yes.

Then he said "okay" and
poured it into a takeout cup

and topped it up, no charge.

Sorry, Joy, was this person
working at the coffee shop?

Mm-hm.

Well, it sounds like you two
definitely shared a connection,

- but I wouldn't limit yourself.
- I agree.

Not that you're asking,
but that is great advice.

Don't settle!

You don't think coffee
hottie could be the one?

It's just you might wanna
find out people's names

if they're gonna be your soulmate.

Lara.

I mean, yes, Lara, you would.

Are you online?

There are a lot of apps
for meeting people,

and there are ones where
women make all the moves

so you're in control.

What sites are you on?

Oh. Uh, Date...

Dater. Date.

LARA: Yeah, tons of great ones.

Still, the longer you wait,

the longer it'll take
to meet your soulmate.

- Like Ravi?
- No, more like Darren.

But he moved to Costa Rica
and married a dolphin trainer.

Still, would it k*ll him to like
my posts or congratulate me

on my climbing certificate?
I did it for you! (CHUCKLING)

Anyway, it's fun meeting people.

That coffee guy once
called me darling too.

I get it.

♪ Hey, hey, but I'm okay ♪

♪ Downtown makin' moves all day ♪

♪ Hey, hey... ♪

Hi.

- Can I help you?
- Oh, um, just lookin' for Nikki.

She works for me over at McKibbin's.

She has a job? Like, another job?

She buses part-time at our bar.

Wow, fun! Love that pub grub.

Best wings in the city
three years runnin'!

Go you!

(AWKWARD CHUCKLING)
Thanks. Uh, so, is she around?

She's not answering the phone.

Right. Uh, she got into a
fight with her boyfriend

and threw his phone out the car window

only turns out it wasn't
his phone, it was hers.

Relationships, right?

- I don't know. I'm single.
- Samesies!

Okay. Well, um, just tell Nikki
I'm short-staffed Saturday

and I need someone to host trivia.

She's always volunteering,
mostly to get out of cleaning,

but if she wants a
sh*t, then this is it.

I'll be there! I mean,
she'll be there, Nikki.

And, uh, me too probably,
because we tight.

(AWKWARD CHUCKLING)

Um, yep.

I am texting her right now,

and... she's in.

I thought her phone was trashed.

Good memory.

You are gonna k*ll it at trivia.

Okay, I'll see you Saturday.

- God, I thought he'd never leave!
- Wait, we you hiding?

Duh, there's no way
I'm working Saturday.

He said you'd always wanted to.

I nodded one time 'cause I
was hiding fries in my mouth.

Nikki, this is an amazing
opportunity for you.

Meet new people in a super caj' way,

expose yourself to a whole
new career possibility.

I'll even come cheer you on.

- And I'll buy the first round.
- I mean, I do like telling people

- they're wrong.
- Great! Then it's a date!

Oh, and I need you to clean Meow Town.

It is fur balls for miles.

I would, but I have to prep for trivia.

Gee, Shan, was that you I was
talking to just now or not?

(CHUCKLING)

♪ Hey! Keep turnin' me on ♪

♪ Keep turnin' me on ♪

I had no idea how many guys love cats.

- It's so cute.
- Really?

Maybe I should add that to my bio.

Definitely.

- (BEEPING)
- Cute. Cute.

Whoa. This guy's tagline is
"I'll know I've found the one

when I meet you." (SQUEALING)

How am I ever gonna pick the one?

Well, maybe go on a date or two

before you plan the wedding.

Uh, more like ten dates.

- (BEEPING)
- . .

Oh, my gosh, does this make
me a S-L-you know what?

You realize they have to
match with you, right?

- Uh, with this app I get to decide.
- But they have to like you back.

So, you think they're hotties,

but they have to think you're a hottie.

Not that you're not a hottie.

Objectively, you're not unattractive.
I'm just not attracted to you.

Because I'm so busy with
my own online hotties,

- like this one.
- (NOT A MATCH BUZZER SOUND)

Anyway, just don't, uh, count
your guys before they're matched,

so to speak.

I get it. You're just jealous.

- No. How? Why would I...
- (BUZZER SOUNDING)

I didn't even swipe.

♪ We took it too... far, uh-oh ♪

♪ Keep tryin', but I won't go ♪

♪ Got me starin' out the window ♪

♪ Where the wind blows ♪

- Hey there, busy bee.
- Ah, Aunt Peggy!

Just came from the
library to drop this off!

A hot, steamy new issue of...

Okay Crochet! Is this for Nikki?

No, for you, sweetie.

You complimented my beret last week

so I thought you might wanna learn!

Right, of course!

- Unless your compliment was a fib.
- What?

- No! Love dat hat.
- And crochet's for everyone,

even someone with masculine hands.

Well, thank you.

Well, there's something
I don't hear too often.

- What do you mean?
- Nothing.

I just... I have a
very satisfactory life,

but sometimes it just feels
good to be appreciated.

- Oh, I'm sorry if I haven't been...
- I meant my husband.

Who's more interested in an old car

than the woman who's been
putting food in front of him

for years.

Well, he does make those great fajitas.

No, but I getcha.

And then there's Nikki.

I have no idea what she's up to.

The laundry pile in her
doorway is my only proof

she's not face-down
in a ditch somewhere.

She has a lot going on right now,

between working here

and now hosting bar
trivia at McKibbin's.

I didn't even know that!

I used to work in a diner

during the summers in Port Dalhousie.

- Sweet Potato.
- Do you know it?

Nope, but you've talked about it.

It's so weird Nikki wouldn't tell me.

She's probably been too busy,

but I know that I... she
is really excited about it.

Well, my weekend's pretty exciting too.

Saturday's meal prep day,

followed by Sit Alone Sunday.

Meal prep? That's fun. (CHUCKLING)

So, what's this McRibbon's place like?

It's nothing fancy,
just a neighbourhood bar

for regular Joes.

- Sounds cozy.
- The kind of place

where they welcome
you with a warm smile,

maybe a bit of scruff on the face

and a scent that's like
a strong cup of coffee,

afternoon rain, and a cowboy.

I'm in!

Oh, well, well, what about meal prep?

Defrost your own turkey à la king, Russ.

Saturday night is ladies' night!

Oh, it's in the afternoon.

Then let the day drinking begin.

Oh, and the pattern I used
is French Bistro Babe beret.

It goes with everything.

(QUIETLY) Great.

(GIGGLING)

KRISTIAN: Something sounds funny.

- Just talking to Tobias.
- Oh!

Who's Tobias?

Uh, one of my many matches on Snuggler.

Looks like someone is a hottie.

Well, I'm glad to hear
it's going so well.

And I'm not at all surprised.

I'm slaying it too. Bee tee dubs.

Yeah. You know, a few too many women

were impressed with my
orienteering trophies.

I just needed a breather, you know?

Just put the focus back
on the animals. Wow!

Look at those cheekbones.

Yeah. Kind of a cross
between Harry Styles

and Gaston from Beauty and the Beast.

And he uses full sentences
like a British prince.

Oh, Joy.

I don't wanna k*ll the vibe here,
but as far as Mr. Ice Tray Abs,

all signs point to a catfish.

A what?

Catfishers troll the Internet
lying about who they are

to trick people. They're
the worst. Look it up.

But he's a lawyer,

and plays the cello and volunteers

- at a community food centre.
- No.

Best case scenario, this guy lives
with his mom and some ferrets.

Worst case, he lives without his mom,

because he m*rder*d her.

Okay, I can tell if someone's real.

Just because you can't get a date

doesn't mean everyone's a jerk.

No, that's not... I have... no.

And at least I'm not hiding in the back

with a bunch of homeless animals

who only like me because I feed them.

I'm talking about you!

Yeah.

Well, workplace bullying
is not the answer.

♪

♪ Did you notice... ♪

Okay, people, we're starting in ten.

So, liquor up and tip your bartenders.

We pool tips, and I'm
about to serve up gold.

Hey! Nikki, you look so great up there!

I know. Sick hair day.

And you should've heard my sound check.

My joke about French
toilet paper k*lled.

Your mom is gonna be so proud.

What?

Oh, yeah. She kinda invited herself.

She's just exchanging numbers
with the Uber driver.

How did she even find out?

I may have told her,

but it's gonna be fine.
(NERVOUS CHUCKLING)

Would you say hat on or off?

What do most people do?

Does Fergus have rules
about that or... ?

Are you calling him?
Don't tell him I asked.

Hey, Mom, that thing Shannon
told you about is cancelled.

Nikki, no, she's excited to come!

Peg gets high on critiquing.
It's her drug of choice

and that's why I never
invite her to anything.

Well, if she's starts getting chippy,

I'll just throw down some
classic retort burns.

I was on the improv team in high school?

Is that a brag?

There she is, my angel muffin!

Oh, and look at all that
eyeliner. Spooky!

'Cause spooky's where it's at.

- Good for you, Niknak.
- Don't call me that.

I'm just so jazzed!

You've always wanted
to do stuff like this

and now you're doin' it, in a bar!

- Next stop, Broadway!
- Bit of a stretch.

Well, we gotta dream big, right, Niknak?

Only I call her that.

Wow, so glad you both came.

"I would invite you, in this time

- of profound change, young Taurus... "
- (URGENT WHISPER) Kristian!

Kristian!

Uh, I'm reading the animals
their horoscopes.

Uh, it's an emergency.

Yes, Chester's moon is rising.

I don't want him to see me!

Oh, my God. Is that Tobias?

He's like a Photoshopped
version of his own photo.

- But he's not supposed to be here.
- What?

After all that stuff you
said about catfishing,

- I stopped messaging him.
- Good.

I mean, he is gorgeous,

but everything beyond
that is pure weirdo.

I could drown in those brown eyes.

And he would help you with that.

♪ Been drinkin' about you,
thinkin' about you ♪

Okay, what country sells
the most beer per person?

Germany, Austria, or the Czech Republic?

- MAN IN BACK: Ireland!
- Gotta be Germany.

- Czech Republic?
- Correct, Shannon Ross!

Good job, honey. You too, Nikki!

That's my daughter up there.

But stand up straight, honey.
You wanna be tall and beautiful,

- not all...
- Woo, Nikki! Keep 'em comin'!

Okay, listen up, film fans.

- These are for you.
- Wowza, quelle chemise !

So brave to bear our arms
in this weather, brrr!

- In what ...
- New sparkle top, who dis?

Is that right? Did I get that right?

And what do you think of my top?

Kinda crazy, right? I got
it in the discount bin.

Oh, well, I'm sure it was
very pretty before it shrunk.

When I was your age,
we had so many rules

and morals and modesty.

That is... so true.

- Refill?
- Oh, yes, please.

But don't put your fingers in it.

Okay.

Who's a good girl? Hi.

- Yes.
- Can I help you?

Oh.

Hey there. Tobias Anders.

Sounds even faker when
you say it out loud.

Uh, sorry. I just came
by to check on a woman

who works here. Joy.

Yeah, I know what her name is.

- Oh, she's doing okay?
- She's alive and well,

so, let's keep it that way.

Oh, when she stopped responding,

I started wondering, what if
something's wrong, you know?

Yeah, well, all is good.

So, let's move along.

Yeah, yeah.

A catch like Joy has
her pick of the litter,

and I barely passed Harvard Law.

Mostly because I was touring
with my string quartet,

but whatever.

Take a hint, Tobias.

- Anyways, have a good day.
- Hey.

How did you know where Joy works?

Oh, she had posted some
pictures of herself at work,

kinda like...

That does kinda look like her.

She had that sign in the background.

Thought we had a connection,
but... I guess not.

Okay, okay. Until ...

Lemme guess, white wine,

- vodka tonic.
- Uh, nope.

I'm more of an old-fashioned gal.

Drinks-wise, not other things-wise.

Good to know.

Columella, yes, it's a tie.

Ooh, I love maraschino cherries.

Would you mind giving me a couple extra?

More.

- You may have a problem...
- A barstool!

I haven't sat on one of these
since they outlawed cigarettes!

NIKKI: Oh, here's an easy one.

What is added to gin

- to make pink gin?
- Gatorade?

- Lemonade? Grenadine!
- Ooh! Bitters!

Shans for the win!

Oh, yeah, up top!

Maybe the rest of us would have a sh*t

if all the questions weren't
about booze and partying.

Write what you know!

Not that booze and partying
is all she knows.

PEGGY: Oh, that's okay, sweetie.

We love you no matter how many
times you puke on the doorstep.

Okay, that's it. I'm taking five.

Game's not over yet.

She gets her mood swings
from her father's side.

I'll talk to her.

Nikki!

You need to take her home.

I haven't even finished my drink.

She's ruining everything.

Nikki, come on. You made
a commitment to Fergus.

NIKKI: I didn't even wanna do this,

but you bullied me into it and
now Peggy's bullying me out of it.

Okay, look. I know the
situation isn't ideal,

but you're ... something years old,

and you need to tell
your mom how you feel.

A little bit of honesty might go farther

- than the eye rolls.
- Okay, fine.

And excuse my French,
but you need to grow a pair.

I said fine.

Peg, we need to talk.

Oh, I'm so sorry. You were right.

- The super-stalkers are everywhere.
- No, no. I was projecting.

You got a date with a hottie

and I got radio silenced.

I made a huge mistake.

Or, is there an opportunity
here that we can salvage?

Oh, I'd prefer we stay co-workers.

No... no.

Tobias?

TOBIAS: Hi.

- I'm here to see Joy.
- Yeah, this is Joy.

Oh, my God.

Joy's a veterinarian. Who's this?

I'm a catfish.

- What?
- Uh, you just got me so worried

about my match potential,

- I used pictures that weren't me.
- Oh, Joy.

But you said you saw the sign?

Wait... whose pics did you use?

Lara's.

She's the coolest,
prettiest person I know,

other than my sister, but
she's a nightmare, so...

I thought your sister was younger.

- She is.
- Sorry, who's Lara?

The veterinarian that we're...
that you're pining after.

"Pining" is strong.

Mmm, you showed up at her work.

I'm so sorry.

You're clearly a nice guy
with super cute dimples,

but I wasted your time.

Just when I thought online dating

couldn't get any worse,
it sinks a notch lower.

Hey.

You may have a face that women dream of

and Joy may not be the sophisticated,

gazelle-like queen that Lara is,

but Joy is a warm, bright,
hardworking person

that anyone would be thrilled to date.

I deal with enough liars in court.

Ugh, we get it. You're a lawyer!

And my moms are on a rowing
team with Marnie McBean.

So... we all have things
we could brag about.

I was also pre-med.

- Oh, is the real Lara around?
- No.

Okay.

I'm so sorry for getting
you wrapped up in all this.

It's fine.

It's not.

I lied to you, and to him.

Everybody lies.

Heck, I lied and it didn't even
get me a match. (CHUCKLING)

I never won the orienteering cup.

I came second.

And there were only two of us.

And the winner b*at me by an hour.

At least we came clean.

Okay, an hour and minutes.

Wow.

And one of my eyebrows
was completely burnt off,

but it didn't matter 'cause I
just swiped the hair to one side.

(CHUCKLING)

Sorry, am I rambling?

Yeah. I mean, uh, no.

It sounds great, I just...
We need to get started.

I could cover for her.

- Really?
- Yeah. I'm no Nikki Bernard,

but I did sing the national anthem

at a St. John's Ice Caps game once.

I have the recording.

Oh, Lainey's gonna start
belting out Mellencamp.

Can you get up there?

Yes.

Hello, McKibbin's!

How's everyone doin'?
(NERVOUS CHUCKLING)

Um...

Shannon here to keep
this trivia train a-movin'.

All aboard! (CLEARING THROAT)

Oh, and a round of applause
for ya boy, Fergus,

a vision in flannel. (GIGGLING)

Uh, open up dem ears, 'cause
here's the next Q for you.

Aww. Complete this Love Actually quote.

- "To me, you are... "
- NIKKI: Unbelievable.

The correct answer is "perfect,"

but half points for ballpark.

Oh, my God, Nikki! Get up here.

I can't believe you.

First you invite my mortal enemy...

Her mom. She means her mom.

Who I sent home, by the way, and
now you're stealing my questions.

- You got them off the Internet.
- No, I researched them.

But of course you didn't notice.
You've been too busy

flirting with Fergie.

It's Fergus.

PS: he's taken a vow of celibacy

since maxing out on ayahuasca
in Peru, so good luck.

I told you that in confidence.

I think that's really admirable.

- Wow.
- I mean, whatevs. I'm here for my cuz!

- Can we get back to trivia?
- Oh, my God,

hold your horses.

Oh, that's a good one!

How many horse actors did they use

in the snorefest Seabiscuit?

- (AUDIENCE REACTIONS)
- Ooh! Oh!

♪ The Escarpment seems so pretty... ♪

If you're looking for Fergross,
he's downstairs.

But don't try to help
him change the kegs.

It makes him feel emasculated.

Well, lucky for him I'm looking for you.

I'm not gonna make out with you.

Nikki, I'm sorry I got a little
carried away at the flirt station,

but Fergus isn't what I'm
gonna remember about today.

He is pretty forgettable.

What I'm gonna remember is
watching you crush trivia.

- It was okay.
- You were amazing,

and I'm just sorry I didn't give you
the heads up about your mom.

That's okay. I'm putting
my drinks on her card,

- so it works out.
- Right.

Thanks for the help with the kegs,

but I didn't need it.

PEG: Oh, I've changed a few in my day.

Worked at a diner called
the Sweet Potato.

Ha! Had some pretty wild
summers there, I'll tell you.

Oh, my God, what are
you still doing here?

Oh, well, I walked it
off, like you said,

but I didn't wanna go home
without giving the star

her opening night bouquet.

- Wool coasters?
- They're crochet scrubbies,

great for dry skin...
not that you have any.

- You don't.
- We all know I do, so you're both lying.

It's a nice gesture.

Well, thanks for the scrubbies.

They're cute.

Well, the pink one really
matches the shower cap

- that I made you.
- I said they were cute.

Okay.

She'll come around.

Yeah, I just worry about her sometimes.

But she was great, wasn't she?

She was!

Reminds me of a talent show I
did when I was working at...

I swear to God, please
don't say the Sweet Potato.

It was the jewel in the
Port Dalhousie crown!

Oh, my God, can you both please go?

- Fine. Bye, Fergus.
- Bye, Fergus.

What a flirt, huh?

Who knows what woulda happened
after a second spritzer?

Probably nothing.

♪ Let's shake it up ♪

♪ It's kinda scary,
but I'm lovin' the rush ♪

♪ My heart is racin' like oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ 'Cause this feels like home ♪

♪ Yeah, it's true ♪

♪ Look in the mirror and
I'm feelin' so good ♪

♪ Yeah, I've been searchin'
like oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ And this feels like home ♪