01x07 - Empty Nesters

[bunniefuu]

Let the punishment fit the crime!

It is time for action... not compaction!

Stand up for those who
have no room to stand up!

Hey, Kristian. Um, you okay?

Should we talk about
what's happening here?

Ah, depends.
Are you ready to face injustice?

Or walk away from it, like Joy?

I mean, she was texting and

on her way to the bathroom, but still,

like, zero acknowledgment.

Well, you'll be happy to know,

I brought in pamphlets and donuts

to mark Animal Cruelty Awareness Day.

I will be happy when we
no longer need donuts

to acknowledge a day like this.

Hm. And I love that spirit.

It's just, ah, scaring some people.

Who?

Have I ever told you
about the time I got stuck

in a shopping cart? Yes.

They had to call
paramedics to get me out

because I went into a
panic-induced paralysis.

I said yes.

Really put a damper on my

entire first year of university.

Animals can't speak, but we can listen.

Thank you.

I'm just saying maybe
we can take a step back

and stick to the pamphlets.

Less human-in-a-cage vibes, ya know?

I see.

S'all good, but could you just...?

KRISTIAN: Sure.

Huh. See? Adults getting stuck

in stuff is a real "thang".

No, I'll get Paul.

Oh, and, can I get a honey cruller?

♪ I don't lose my cool ♪

♪ I love to call you mine ♪

♪ And whenever I'm with you, my baby ♪

♪ I keep my Fahrenheit ♪

♪

♪ I never lose my cool ♪

Oh, Nikki, remember,

Middens likes his bowl half full

and Snowball only eats once

all of Middens' food is gone.

Okay. Is this if you die, or...

no, my conference is this weekend.

You're feeding my cats.

Why would I do that?

That's like, the job I do all day.

Because that's what we agreed on

when I gave you the weekend off.

Right! But then Marko scored

tickets to Beach Screech, so...

- I don't care about Beach Screech.
- Nobody cares.

That's what makes it
so frickin' awesome.

Nikki!

Just get Russ and Peg to do it!

They live for errands,
it's like their cr*ck.

I didn't ask Uncle Russ and Aunt Peggy.
I asked you.

And I asked them and they just said yes.

You're lucky you have
parents that can bail you out

at a moment's notice.

Sounds more like
they're bailing you out.

Here, you can give them my keys.

Oh my God. I've got to do everything.

Seriously?

Oh, it's fine.
They're coming to pick them up.

Oh. Maybe I can get a
ride to the GO station?

Who's the freeloader now?

♪ Love it when they day's right ♪

♪ Love it when the day's bright ♪

Hi! Did you miss me?

(PHONE LINE RINGING)

Hope you shared the rattle mouse.

I'm looking at you, Snowball.

AUNT PEGGY: Hi, you've reached Peggy.

This is my cellular telephone.

Please leave a message.

Hm, how do I end it?
Russ, how do I end it?

UNCLE RUSS: I'm in the bathroom.

AUNT PEGGY: Russ!

(BEEP)

Hey, Aunt Peggy! Just a head's up.

I got home early from the conference.

Thanks for feeding the cats and

obvi you can skip today.

Okay. Bye.

Why is this here?

'Cause that's where
it belongs. It's a mess,

and nowhere near what I wanted.

You did this? Yourself?

Like, with paint and paintbrushes?

This time, yeah.

Wow. I can't even draw stick figures.

It's just something I started in prison.

It... it became my escape, you know?

The.. the thing that made me feel free.

Except for the time I
actually did escape,

but that didn't last long.

That's how I feel when I go windsurfing.

I've only been twice, and I fell a lot,

but one time I got
going for, like, a minute

and it was crazy.

Thing is I'm not getting any better.

I-I might even be gettin' worse.

My work lacks soul and purpose.

And I ran out of green.

I don't think that's true.

Well, I know you can make
green from other colours.

I just don't remember
which ones they are.

Anyway, my point is,
I am done with painting.

No! I never followed my dream

and I always regretted it.

You're .

I'm just saying true passions
are about how you feel

when you're doing them,

not how many times you get

hit in the head by a sail.

I guess that's true.

Sorry about the teabag
stain. That was me.

It's all good.

PEGGY: You can't just let

random strangers
into Shannon's building.

(SIGHING) It was the mailman!

He was dressed as a mailman.

(THUDDING)

- Peg.
- It was open.

Okay, Snowbird,

where do you want your toilet pebbles?

Oh, remind me to put the

laundry in when we get home.

Apparently all of Nikki's
bustiers are dirty.

RUSS: I still don't even
know what a bustier is.

PEGGY: I keep hoping
that Shannon's sense of style

rubs off on Niknak.

It's obvious that Nikki looks up to her.

RUSS: Ah, it's not that obvious.

Oh, Nikki just won't admit it. Oh, God!

Would you look at Shannon's pantry?
It's so organized.

Yeah. She went a little
nutso with the label maker.

Shanny's clearly got
some time on her hands.

At least she's tidy.

Nikki could learn a thing or two.

Ah, it's not fair to compare
Nikki to a Type A neat freak.

PEGGY: My sister was smart.

When you adopt you get to
comparison shop, you know?

Pick a good one.

I'm not sure that's how it works, honey.

Nikki better start pulling her weight,
or that's it.

She can wash her own bustiers!

Jesus, Russ. No! No more living with us.

And if Nikki doesn't like it,
she can get her own place.

We're not the Four Seasons.

RUSS: She does use all my shaving cream.

What are you shaving?

It's personal.

♪ I wanna open up what's real to me ♪

♪ When I'm with you ♪

PAUL: Hey.

(KNOCKING) Got a sec?

Sure. I was just Googling how to swim.
What's up?

Thanks again for your
encouragement the other day.

Hey, us dreamers gotta stick together.

Yeah. I actually had a bit of an ABT.

Artistic breakthrough.

It came together really quickly.

Just sat at my easel and became

a vessel of Joy-spiration.

Is this for me?

Yep.

I don't even get
presents on my birthday.

My dad usually just pats
me on the head and says,

"Never trust the bank."

It's good advice, but it's not a gift.

Wow.

It's you! I mean... I
mean, not literally,

but, you know, your
energy, your essence.

Yeah. No, no, no.
This is, uh... this is really...

I love it.

I was hoping you'd say that!
I'll go get my drill.

Mm. Mm-hm.

(BARKING)

I already have a boyfriend named Marko.

You don't sound like
him, he's way hotter.

(GIGGLING)

No, I know it's you,
babe. Just go with it.

Hey, uh, have you seen Kristian?

Okay, but tonight wear your baggies.

Your skinny jeans
take too long to get off.

And bring your laundry.
It's Washy Wednesday for Peg.

She'll be all over it. 'Kay, bye.

Hey. Sounds fun.

Thought you were looking for Kristian?

I always got time for my cuz. Big plans?

Hangin' with Marko.

Huh. Peggy and Russ don't mind?

I stuff a pillow in the air vent.

It muffles most of
the high-pitched stuff.

Mm-hm. Well, it's just their house.

Shouldn't you check with them first?

Peg loves Marko. She told him

he's a wannabe entrepreneur.

That meant a lot to him.

Yeah, it's up to you but

someone I looked up to secretly

once told me that super-cool
people respect their parents.

None of that sounds right to me.

Yeah, I just think as a woman
in your s living at home,

you might want to be a
little bit more considerate

of Russ and Peggy.

Why? Did they say something?

No! Not exactly.

I... I just mean if you're going

to live with your parents,

which at your age is maybe a little...
surprising.

Ageism.

Maybe just don't push it right now?

Take a break on the sleepovers.

Sweep the floor.

Last week I changed the

toilet paper, like, three times.

What more do they want?
I'm not a washing machine.

Just be respectful.

Before I moved out,
I had to respect 'Dem rules.

When they said "No tap shoes inside,"

I stopped wearing my tap shoes inside.

I thought you did jazz.

I did. But I had tap shoes.

That I liked and I wore inside.

Hey, Joy, still waiting
on those dog BIOS.

Uh, yeah.

Is everything... Oh my God!

It's a gift from Paul.

Oh. Are those fangs?

Makes it kind of hard to work.

Well, you don't have to keep that up.

It means a lot to Paul.

It's a nice gesture,
but it's clearly inappropriate

for the workplace.
We can just talk to him.

Oh, I don't know. Paul?

I... I don't think you
should say anything.

Oh, don't worry.

It's best to just nip
problems in the bud,

and Paul's like an elephant,
thick skin, no memory.

Elephants have really good memories.

Someone's a little elephant.

Hey. Is this urgent?

I got a hamster who just
flipped over his cage.

Uh, no. This won't take long.

Joy just wants to talk
to you about something.

PAUL: Yeah. What's up?

Uhh... it's just...

Shannon wants me to
take the painting down.

- Sorry?
- Yeah.

I think it's beautiful, but

Shannon says it's inappropriate.

I did say that, but that was because...

Is it that bad?

Shannon recoiled when she saw it.

Well, that was before learning

how much Joy loves this piece.

What?

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,

and this is Joy's office, so...

But it's your shelter, so...
but it's our world,

and if Paul's painting
brings you happiness,

who am I to stand in the way?
Great work, Paul.

Thanks, Shannon.

So great,
that's exactly what I was going for...

A little bit of joy.

In fact,
it's called "Bits and Pieces of Joy."

JOY: Huh.

♪ When you walked this way ♪

♪ Took my pain away ♪

♪ Had some darker days... ♪

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Hey, cuz. Just in the hood.

Oh! Uh, come in. Where are you off to?

New adventures, man.

You leaving town, or...?

Hardly. I took your advice.
Time to move out.

Eff Peggy and Russ and
serving time in their gulag.

- Ah, well, I wouldn't...
- We'll show them we can survive.

Hell, we gonna thrive!

You keep saying we.

Thanks for giving me the courage, Shans.

Like you said,
we're both strong, adult women,

living the life we choose. #Roomies!

Roomies?

Cute. I'll just throw this in the back.

Uh... We... That's kind of
Middens' and Snowball's room.

They have a whole room?

Yeah. Snowball's pretty assertive.

(SNIFFING) Something's burning.

- Oh my God, the tuna casserole!
- (SMOKE ALARM BEEPING)

Oh, don't worry. I don't eat fish.
Just order us Thai.

I'll get the next one.

♪ Why am I here in front of your face ♪

♪ What you gonna do to get
me out of this place? ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh-whoa ♪

Joy! Joy!

JOY: Sorry, I'm super busy

helping save the animals. Can it wait?

Why is your painting in here?

Oh! Wow. That's weird.

Maybe it's one of those paintings

that follows you around the room.

Or from room to room.

I'm already sharing my apartment

with the roommate from hell.

I can't share my office with... that.

I'll take your roommate. I don't mind.

I already live with seven people.

No. It's Nikki and I would
never do that to you.

Fine. I'll take her.

But we can never change the
fact that she's been here.

It does feel colder in here.

(PUPPIES WHIMPERING)

Hi. Thanks so much for coming in.

It sounded important on the phone.

I didn't mean to sound dramatic.

I just care so much about you guys.

Aw, we care about you, too, kiddo.

You might even say I look up to you,

the way someone else
might look up to me.

Okay.

And I just hate the
thought of you all alone

in that big,
empty house with no one to care for.

Aww. Yeah, we got each other.

But you've got such big hearts.

And speaking on behalf of
someone who may be unable

to say it themselves,
I bet they miss having a home.

Aww.

Help make your family whole again.

Well, we have talked about it.

Oh, Nikki! What?

SHANNON:
Your parents have something to tell you.

We're getting a dog. Sorry?

Well, yeah! Shannon
really sold us on it.

And now that we have the space...

No, I meant Nikki.

You called me a dog?

No, I was trying to convince

your parents to take you back.

That's why you called us?

But you're allergic.

I'll take pills. Lord
knows I did for you.

And come by to get the
rest of your stuff, honey.

Keep it.
Shannon and I have everything we need.

And no stupid rules,
or games night, or hydro bills!

#Roomies! We do pay hydro.

Sounds like everyone's happy!

Okay, maybe we should all slow down

before we say something we regret.

NIKKI: Good luck with your dog.

Until you talk behind its back,
and it leaves

to live in a tiny
condo filled with cats,

'cause you're impossible to live with!

SHANNON: Okay, well that qualifies.

Now, if you'll excuse us,
we have an RV to test drive.

#EmptyNesters.

RUSS: Yeah. Road
tripping out of the " ix."

(CHUCKLING) That's
what Drake calls Ontario.

PEGGY: See ya soon, roomies! Come on.

Well, think about it.
There's lots of options.

Let's get hammered
and order pizza tonight.

I'll get ya next time.

(SIGHING)

Oh, am I stuffing these wrong, or...?

No. I mean, yeah, you are,

but it's not you. It's this.

Oh! Uh, yeah, I've...

I've actually always
liked that painting.

- It's new.
- Huh.

Paul painted it for me.

Of me. What do you think of the teeth?

Uh, well, it's better than no teeth.

He gave me fangs.

Yeah, yeah. It's... nice touch.

Maybe I just don't get art.

Well, um, I... I can explain it to you.

So, uh, this painting
represents you, Joy,

but with, um...

wings. Uh...

I actually need more envelopes,
so I'm gonna...

Huh.

God...

♪ I just wanna sweat and sulk ♪

♪ I just wanna dance it off ♪

♪ Underneath the dance... ♪

Okay. So, I made a chore wheel.

You wanna spin, or should I?

I hope I don't get the bathroom!

You can spin it first. And second.

Okay. Ah, well, then maybe we could

get out our goal journals

and compare five-year career plans.

No need. My goal is to get
baked and put my feet up.

Gotta slow down to speed up, you know?

Sure, sure.

But eventually you'll need to

start working towards something.

You know,
when I first moved out on my own...

You found yourself and
a career path you love

and ended up in Hamilton.
I've heard the story.

Peg loves to tell it.

Hey, twinsies!

Why, where's your slushie?

- Ah, no. I have the same bathrobe.
- I know. It's yours.

TV NARRATOR: ...
Smashed with a rolling pin.

The head was severed...

- This is awful.
- Yeah.

It's "The Foothills of the m*rder."

...Rusty hacksaw, or machete.

You know what we
could watch? Love Bubble.

It's a reality show set in domes

where contestants have to
isolate to prove their love.

- Oh, crap.
- I know.

When Heather finds out Darren

is sleeping with his nurse,

she is going to lose it. Oh, Nikki!

That's my favourite bathrobe.

Woof. Really? Sorry.

Do you mind putting it in the wash?

Sure, but this stain's gonna be a bitch.

Trust me, not my first slip n' slush.

There's detergent in
the clean-up cabinet.

Oh my God.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Hey. Nikki texted me for a sleepover.

Great...

Oh. Cool. We had one
of these in grade six.

Ooh. Kitchen. I'm on it.

♪

Paul! Oh, my gosh.
What are you doing here?

PAUL: What the hell happened?

JOY: Max did it. Yeah,
I tried stopping him,

but he kept pushing me out of the room

saying I was next.

The face is the best part!

Okay. Or... or maybe
he was just trying to fix it.

Maybe he liked parts of it,

but thought there was something

wrong with the teeth,

like, they were fangs,
so he used hand sanitizer

to smooth the points out with his thumb.

And then the whole thing got smudged

and I think he tried to
paint back the eyebrows

and then the mouth.

I mean, I think he actually did

a pretty good job on the mouth.

I just wish Max would've
told me he didn't like it.

Well, Max probably didn't
want to be the reason

you felt discouraged. You know?

He believes in you... very much.

Well, I guess we should get
rid of it since it's ruined.

No! I mean, it's... it's so beautiful.

I mean, I almost want to keep it.

Okay, keep it.

No, but you're right. It's ruined now.

- You should throw it out.
- Yeah.

♪ I can't get past everything wrong ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Oh, Nikki. (SIGHING)

PEGGY: Yoo-hoo. Hello.

Aunt Peggy!

Whoa! Someone likes to party.

Yeah, just... girl time.

I told Russ you had a fun side.
Listen, I can't stay.

I just thought I'd drop these off.

Just some of Nikki's old junk.

Oh, and some satin pillowcases.

She has weak roots and
the last thing she needs

is to be directionless and bald.

Is that tea you're making?

Ah, no, but I have some... juice.

Oh, I really can't stay.

We gave these to Nikki for
her first dance class...

Her only dance class.

Leg warmers are never out of style.

Oh, honey.

- Aunt Peggy?
- I'm sorry.

I should be happy. I painted the house,

baked sourdough and...

And now we're getting
into couples' yoga.

Yeah, that's not for everyone.

But what about your
trip? That RV sounds...

It's a coffin on wheels!

Russ and I have already run
out of things to talk about.

It turns out the only sound
worse than Marko and Nikki

pounding it out in the trundle bed

is the utter silence
at the dinner table.

Well, maybe it's not too late
to get the band back together

and have Nikki move home.

- Oh. Hello, Mother.
- Don't mind me.

I was just, um,
dropping off some more of your stuff.

Unless you'd prefer I drive your

childhood toys to the dump?

I don't care.
Livin' my best life with Shans now.

Well, settle in because Russ
wants to sell the house.

What?

Mm. He's got his heart
set on living in the RV

and exploring the nation's parking lots.

Good. Maybe I'll buy the house.

Maybe I'll burn it down.

Okay. You both need to stop.

Nikki, is there anything
you want to say to Peggy?

Your haircut's crooked.

It's not. It's modern.

Okay, I'll say it then.

What do you mean?

Shh. I'm Peggy now.
Nikki, I love and miss you.

Would you like to move back home again?

I never said that. Shh.

(MONOTONE) Hey, Mom, I hear you.

I don't sound like that.

And even though I'm proud and crap,

there's a part of me,

sort of, that wants to
move back home again.

- Well, I knew you missed me!
- She said, "sort of."

Peggy? I just want things to go

back to how they were.

Well, Nikki is welcome,

but no more overnight trysts with Marko.

Thanks, Mom. I'd be
happy to move back home

and "respect your boundaries."

Okay, don't give away the farm here.

Well you don't pay rent, so guess what?

I'm kicking you out.

Wait, were you Peggy?

Yeah, I was confused too.

No, I was me. Now hug.

I think we're good.

Hey. Uh, listen, so I...

I know there was that whole thing

with Max and I just, uh,

I wanted to give you...

Well, I made you a whole new piece.

Paul, I really don't need...

Wow!

Yeah, yeah. I took a look at
some of my old realism work,

and it sort of reignited
the flame and I thought,

"Why not try to do a
more life-like portrait,"

"even though it's boring."

Oh. Am I pregnant?

I don't know.
But, uh, you are in the painting.

Okay.

See, I put your face on an old piece

I did of my pal, April.

She had twins right before

she had to flee the country.

That answer leaves me
with so many questions.

Oh, there's nowhere to hang a painting

when you're on the run, so... voilà.

Well, this is really
nice, Paul. Thank you.

Yeah, you're welcome.

Aw! A new painting! It's beautiful.

See, it pays to tell the truth

when you don't like something.

What didn't you like about it?

Oh, wow, Shannon. Tactful much?

You and Max are a real pair.

Are you...?

Not even going to ask.

You're going to look good pregnant.

I'm pretty excited to
be bubbling with Tom.

- He seems...
- S'up?

Oh my God! How long have you been here?

Don't know. I took three
melatonins, and I passed out.

Nikki doesn't live here anymore.

Oh, that's chill.

So, are you gonna leave, or...

Oh! They put Jacqueline with Monika?
That's fire.

You like Love Bubble?

Oh, yeah, it's the best.

You know they based this
off a study with mice?

Except all the mice went nuts.

- (CHUCKLING)
- Oh.

Hey, uh, this is embarrassing, but...

Oh, your boxer shorts? I washed them.

Oh, no, no. Peg does that.

I just want to say,

I sort of... look up to you.

Sorry?

You've got your own place, solid job,

you're following your dreams.

You know, that ain't
easy. I respect that.

Oh. Thank you.
You have great taste in reality TV.

Yeah. Though I do mainly
watch it for the spank bank.

Like, Linda? Phew! Locked and loaded.

Okay, time to go. Thank you.

Oh. You're welcome.

WOMAN ON TV: Me too. I like you.

♪ Let's shake it up ♪