03x02 - Episode 2

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Black Comedy". Aired November 2014 - current.*
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"Black Comedy" is a fast paced comedic look at Australian culture brought together by Indigenous Australian writers and performers.
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03x02 - Episode 2

Post by bunniefuu »

(SIGHS)

No, Stanley.

I said "a car robbery".

Not "a corroboree".

(CROW CAWS)

(THEME MUSIC)

(DOG BARKS)

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Father Colin. Thank God you're here.

When did this begin?
A few weeks ago.

Things started disappearing.
Coins. Snacks. Smokes.

There's been noises too. And smells.

Where's it coming from?

Up there.

Our Father, who art in heaven,

Hallowed by thy name.

Thy kingdom come.

Thy will be done on earth
as it is in heaven.

In the name of the Father

and of the Son

and of the Holy Ghost,

demon... show yourself.

In the name of the Father

and of the Son

and of the Holy Ghost...

..demon, show yourself!

Oh!

In the name of all that is holy!

You have...

..a cousin!
(THUNDERCLAP)

A cousin?

A demon that enters your home
uninvited.

A creature of filth and sloth...

..and endless unpaid loans.

I... I thought they were just a myth.

Did the cousin look... familiar?

Vaguely.

Like a cousin I might have met
at my Auntie Laurel's funeral.

How'd he find us?

Phone books. Internet.
Who knows how cousins work?

Well, how did it get in here?

One of you... opened the door.

One of you... let it in.

Is getting rid of a cousin hard?

It's notoriously difficult to rid
a home of a cousin once it's entered.

I have heard stories of people
having to burn down their houses

with themselves and the cousin
still inside.

Please help us!

Please. We'll do anything
to get rid of him.

He blocked the toilet twice already.

We must exorcise the cousin
from your home.

We must perform...

..a cuzorcism.

(HORROR FILM MUSIC)

(SHOP BELL RINGS)

Good morning, my big girl!

Oooh!

Look at you! You're looking more and
more like me every time I see you!

And that's a compliment,
just in case you didn't know,

'cause you know I'm
your deadliest auntie, eh?

Gimme them nails.

Mmm. You know your nails
are your sharpest w*apon, niece?

And we aiming for the sharpest nails
on the block.

Nice and glossy, too. Payday nails.

'Shine bright like a diamond
in the sky'-type nails.

'Can't play Thursday night netball,
too sharp' nails.

So sharp that when your ugly man
goes to leave the house,

you LATCH onto him, like a tiger!

From the back! Draw blood!

Like I do your uncle.
Keeps him in line.

Now, you just let Auntie Mary

make everything better.

(HORROR FILM MUSIC)

WOMAN: Oh, have you got the tickets?
MAN: Yeah.

Awesome.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)

I can't wait to see Delta Goodrem!
It's gonna be amazing.

I'll put the address into the GPS.
Oh, no, no, just wait...

SATNAV: (ABORIGINAL ACCENT) Hey!

'Bout f*ckin' time
you turned me back on!

You miss me or what?

What's that?
It's my GPS.

It's in Aboriginal voice mode.

Look, I'll turn it off
and put my phone on.

Oh, no, no, no. This is too deadly.

Hey, can you give us the directions
to, um, Qudos Bank Arena?

No worries, darlin'. Should
get there in around minutes.

If numbnuts here
doesn't f*ck up too bad.

(SIGHS)

Chuck a left here, brother.
Yep. (SIGHS)

You f*ckin' beauty.

Finally pulled your thumb out
and learned how to drive.

(LAUGHS)
Oh, don't laugh.

It's not funny.
Sorry.

Don't be sorry, love. Dickhead here
needs to grow some balls.

What's your name, sis?
Jenny.

Oh, beautiful name
for a beautiful girl.

(LAUGHS) Oh, thank you!

It's about time you settled down
with a black woman.

All those white women
you been messing around with.

How old are you, Jenny?

Uh, .

Turning .
? Holy sh*t!

And you settled for
wrinkly-nuts here?

Hang so low to the ground,
his balls are grazin'.

He look like a mission dog with
that mangy f*ckin' gamin' haircut.

And that cheap Target suit.
Trying to look like a white man.

And those glasses?

Look like you trying to sell yarndis
to schoolkids.

(LAUGHS)

Take a right in metres.

Nah, I'm going left.
I know a short cut.

You sure about that, bro?
Yeah, I'm sure!

OK. Don't say I didn't warn ya.

(SIGHS) Yeah, I know where
I'm going. I'm not an idiot.

Ohhh...

Uh, it's a dead end.

f*ck.

See? Gonna have to reverse, bro.

Yeah, I know.
I know I have to reverse!

I know! It's a dead...
Whoa! Don't... don't yell at him!

Look, you've got to understand,
Jenny,

this guy has been on my arse
for years.

Always calling me 'coconut',
saying I've got saggy balls,

saying I'm rooting white women!

I just want a normal GPS
with a normal voice

to get me to Qudos Arena
to see Delta Goodrem in peace!

Hey, bro, I'm sorry.
Oh, sh*t!

I'm sorry, bro. You alright?

Just feeling a little bit...

Hey, I'm sorry
that you're such a huge p*ssy!

Nuh! Nuh! (MUTTERS)

Go on. Get out and have a cry,
you big puss.

Arggh! See, I'm telling you...
(WHIMPERS)

Go on. Go have a whinge.
You little bitch. Go.

Look at him. Soft-cock.

I don't even like Delta Goodrem.

Well, I like you.
Can I get your number or what?

(ROCK THEME)

♪ Some people belong in the water

♪ Some people belong on the land

♪ You get out there and save them

♪ And I'll just wait here
on the sand

♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

Craig?

Yeah?

Why don't you ever get in the water?

It's a spiritual thing.

A spiritual thing?

I got a deep spiritual connection
with the land.

The ocean can get f*cked!

Well, then why did you
become a lifeguard?

What, are you sayin' I shouldn't be
here 'cause I'm black?

No.
Good.

You might want to get out there.

Look like one of your mob
might be drowning.

sh*t!

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

Nerd!

Just to be clear, we don't bully you
because of your heritage or culture.

We bully you as a result
of your character.

Your hobbies, general appearance,

and maybe as a result of our own
issues and personal problems.

But it's got nothing to do
with your heritage or culture.

I apologise for the actions
of my ancestors

and wish for the destruction
of the Aboriginal communities

to come to an end
as soon as possible.

You nerd!

(URINATES)

Hey, man.
Mind if I take a slash here?

(CHUCKLES) Nah, man.
You're all good.

Shaka, bruh. Appreciate it.
Or as I like to say, "preesh it".

Yeah, no worries.

Name's Trent, homeslice.
Quel est ton?

What?

Means "what's yours?" in French.

Come on, man! Get with the program!
Or as I like to say it, "the prog".

My name's Jack.

Good to know, man.

Good to know. (URINATES)

You got a nice d*ck, Jack.

What the f*ck?! What?! Sorr...?

(SIGHS) I'm just appreciating your
woman wand, dog. No need to trip.

Yeah, no worries, man.

Take a look at mine.

Oh, no, look, man,
I'd rather not, eh?

Come on, man! Just take a look!

Yeah, it's fine.

Muchos gracias, amigo.

I know it's not the biggest dog
in the fight,

but let me tell you,
this puppy's got bite.

Woof woof! (CHUCKLES)

Yeah?
Yeah.

Like, you don't NEED the Titanic
to cross the Atlantic Ocean.

A dinghy will do you fine.
You picking up what I'm putting down?

Yep. (ZIPS UP) I get you, Trent.

(QUIETLY) My girlfriend left me, man.

She said I was small
and that I can't satisfy a woman.

I know she was just trying
to hurt me, but...

..I don't know if I'm ever
gonna find true love.

I just need someone to tell me
everything's gonna be OK.

I'm real sorry to hear that, mate.

I hope you find happiness!

(DOOR OPENS)

(SIGHS)

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

f*ck all that crying sh*t, Trent!

Remember what
that chick in France said.

You're a champion, Trent.
You're a champion!

Our people been travelling this
countryside ever since foreverness.

Now, we been travelling north,
we been travelling south,

east, west, up, down, in, out.

Everywhere.

So this next dance
we gonna do for you mob

is about how us Wigglymuyu mob
been travel all over the countryside.

Alright, let's do this.

Yoooooo!

Ah-aie!

♪ Hey, lift-er-la you-fer-la,
lift-er-la you-fer-la

♪ Brmmm, beep beep
Brmmm, beep beep

♪ Lift-er-la you-fer-la,
lift-er-la you-fer-la

♪ Brmmm, beep beep
Brmmm, beep beep

♪ Rrrrrrr!

Hey, hey, Uncle!
We wanna lift! We wanna go shop!

Gonna get a lift! Here, jump in here!
Shotgun! I'm shotgun here!

Yah, yah, yah.
Alright, alright. Yeah.

♪ No licence, unregistered
Yee-hee!

♪ No licence, unregistered, yee-hee!

♪ No licence, unregistered
Yee-hee!

♪ Ree-aw! Ree-aw! Ree-aw! Ree-aw!

Hey, hey.

♪ Ah, locked up now,
poor fella, he crying

♪ Locked up now, poor fella,
he crying

♪ Locked up now,
poor fella, he crying

♪ Brrrr! Yah! Aie! Aie! Aie!

♪ Ya, brrrr! Ja-doo doo dee! ♪

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Mum?
Hey!

Hey, do you have a minute?

There's just something
I want to talk about.

But I need you to be normal
about it, OK?

What do you mean, normal?
Yeah.

(CHUCKLES) I'm always normal.
OK.

Well, as you know,
I've been seeing this fella,

and I just thought
you should know that...

You want to do the horizontal dance?

The wham-bam into the ham?

The hanky-panky? Waxing the bean?

Downtown, get down?

Party in the basement?

Mum.
What?

Not that?

Oh. Oh, are you a bit... that way?

(GASPS) I don't mind.
I love you all the same.

You know, some of my best friends
are friends of Dorothy.

Who's Dorothy?

Ellen and Portia!

Ani DiFranco?

Subaru Forrester?

A little bit married in Boston?

Mum, I don't know what you mean.

Been a while since Aunty Flo?

Been a while since the crimson wave?
Up the duff?

Eating for two? Bun in the oven?!

I'm gonna be a...
Mum, I'm not pregnant.

You're not pregnant?
No.

The fella that I'm seeing
is coming over

and I want to break up with him

and I just thought you could...
leave the house for a while.

Well, why didn't you just say so?

(SIGHS)

Our Father, who art in heaven,

Hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done
on earth as it is heaven.

(WHISPERS) Let's get him!

(EVIL LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
Be silent, cousin! Be silent!

You think you're deadly...
but you're not.

Be silent!
Oh, mate!

(LAUGHS)
Step back.

This will get violent.

f*ckin' oath it'll get violent!
Cactus alphadophilus!

Oh, you think you're too good
to have your cousin here?

Roma abacta!
You think you're too good?

Holy Father, save us
from this evil one!

Oh, say it again. (LAUGHS)

Citis cuculus Aboriginal!

Suck this cock-ulus Aboriginal!
(LAUGHS)

You're never gonna get rid of me.
I know my rights.

I've got cuzzo rights
and I'm not going anywhere.

This cousin is strong.

I'll need my tools.

Holy water!

Glen pine scent.

To cleanse any area
that the cousin has touched

and to rid it of any evil stench.

(LAUGHS)

The eternal enemy of the cousin.

Bills!
I'll be f*cked.

My name's not even on 'em!

They're not mine.

I shall now douse you
with holy water.

Hey, don't!

Arggh! f*ck ya! It f*ckin' burns!

Oi! Hey!

It f*ckin' burns!

Oh! Ow! (GRUNTS)

(DEEP BUBBLING)

(LAUGHS)

Ah!

This is from the Book
of Electricity! You owe $ !

No, don't.

This is from the Book of Gasworks.
Suck on me!

$ !
How? How?

This from the Book of iiNet. $ !

Fourt... That's next week.

And this from State Water. $ !
Ow! f*ck off!

In the name of the Father,
the Son and the Holy Ghost...

f*ck. Get it off me.
..you must leave.

Demon cousin, you must leave!

No!
You're not wanted!

f*ck! Get 'em off!
Get out!

Ow! f*ck ya! Oi!

I can't go.
I'm Laurel's boy. Remember?

Me, I'm Laurel's boy. Remember?

Remember Kev? Remember me,
little Kev? Little Laurel's boy?

I'm not going anywhere. You know.

Maybe we should just let him stay.

It's only for a few nights.
He is family.

(CACKLES)

Out, cousin! Out!

Out, cousin!

Out!

Arggh!

(ABORIGINAL ACCENT) Hey.


Can you mob give me a few bob
so I can go and have a quick press?

It's in Father Colin!

But he's not even related to us!

Well, actually...

..my Auntie Frida, she your nan's
best friend's cousin... sister.

We met at the Knockout.

We related.
That basically make us related.

Oh! Oh! (GRUNTS)

(PANTS)

Let's hold hands.

Let us pray.

Holy Mary, Mother of God,

pray for us blacks...

..now in our hour of our need.

Demon cousin,
the power of Christ compels you!

The power of Christ compels you!
Arggh!

The power of Christ compels you!
Oh, f*ck off!

The power of Christ compels you!
Arggh!

Get up, you lazy dog! Go back
to the mission where you came from!

I'm not feeling very compelled.
Leave this house immediately!

Help me.

ALL: The power of Christ
compels you!

Oh, you...!
The power of Christ compels you!

The power of Christ compels you!

The power of Christ compels you!
(GROANS)

Arggh! This won't be the last
you hear of me, you coconut fucks!

(LAUGHTER ECHOES)

The smell of boorays...

..they're gone!

The cousin's gone.

Where will he go?

Who knows?

The cousin is a mysterious demon.

We can only hope that
he's forgotten your address

and he'll never return again.

Thank you, Father Colin.
Thank you.

Amen.

Here they come.

Any smokes, brother?

Nah, nothing, cuz. Last one.

What's in that packet there?

Nah, empty.

There they go.

(BOTH GIGGLE)

(SIGHS) I am so in love with you.

I've been in love with you
ever since I first met you.

You're just so sweet.

(CHUCKLES)
I've never felt like this before.

Well, what have we got here?

Pa-pow!

What the f*ck is that?

What do you mean? It's a d*ck.

We've had sex with a d*ck before.

Yeah, it's new...

..and it's black.

Yeah, babe.

Boop!

Why is it f*cking black?

Well, I thought I could, you know,
spice things up a little bit.

I got my tax return back.

Thought it was time for a...
new model.

I thought you'd like it.

Like, you're always going on about

how beautiful
black-on-black love is,

how black love is resistance.

(WHISPERS) Resistance!

You're white, though.

You can't use that
on, in or around me.

But you've used a white d*ck.
Isn't that the same sort of thing?

Like a Michael Jackson situation?

♪ Hoo-hoo!

♪ Ow! ♪

No, it's not the same f*cking thing.

Michael Jackson had vitiligo,
firstly.

You can't just pull
the reverse d*ck card, Bianca.

(LAUGHS) OK! I still don't get it.
(SIGHS)

What is wrong with
me using a black d*ck?

Babe, this is like
a Rachel Dolezal d*ck.

Rachel Dickezal!

It's like f*cking black face, babe.
It's blackdick!

If you don't get this now,
you're never gonna get it.

Get out!

OK. Fine.
Yeah, get out. Get out of here.

Here, give me...

Give me my d*ck.

Give me...

It's mine now!
Fine!

Reparations d*ck!
(DOOR SLAMS)

(SOFTLY) It's just a d*ck, I suppose.

Boomerang Brothers Bed Bunker!

Boomerang Brothers Bed Bunker!

BOTH: Boomerang Brothers Bed Bunker!
Hey, you mob!

I'm Bully.
And I'm Boonga.

And we're identical twins.

The Boomerang Brothers!

Recently, Boonga and I got charged up
before ordering stock.

Now we've got too many bloody beds!

And we're passing the savings...
On to you!

How about this bed?

Used to be bucks!
Just grab it for !

Want this bed!

f*ck it. Just give us a carton
and you can take the bastard!

Is your cousin coming home from jail
and need a place to stay?

No worries with these foam mattresses
originally bucks, now just !

How's that, cuz?
Heavenly!

Nieces and nephews coming over? No
worries, there's room for everyone!

(KIDS CHEER)

So come on down to
the Boomerang Brothers Bed Bunker

for some bargains!

We're right between
the old swimming pool

where Jake Richards took a sh*t
in his pants in fifth grade

and the police station
they took Uncle Rogers to

after he punched a cop in the balls.

And if you've gone past the shady
massage parlour on Smith Street...

You've gone too far!

(INTERCOM BEEPS)
Yes?

MAN: The Whitemans are here
for the Black Street property.

Great. Send them in.

Hi. I'm Trevor Whiteman.

This is my wife, Cindy.

Uh...

Pleased to meet you.
Likewise.

Uh, please, have a seat.

(CHUCKLES) Uh, water? Coffee?

Coffee would be great. Honey?

Yeah, I'd love one.

Uh...

Uh, Lee, could we get
three coffees in here, please?

Uh, how do you have them?

BOTH: White, please.

Uh, two whites and one bl...

..uh... just my usual.

You want it black?

Yes. Just... the usual. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, bla...
No milk!

Just no milk.

So, do I have a property for you!
(CHUCKLES)

Great. Where is it?
It's here in Bl...

It's... here!

Here in Blacktown?
Yes.

Whereabouts?

Well, it's... it's a lovely
new estate in Bl...

..in Bla...

..uh, this street right here.

Which one?
Right there.

Black Street?
Mm-hm.

Excuse me. Are you avoiding
saying the word 'black'?

(SIGHS)

I'm really sorry, but I-I've...

Well, I've... I've never met... bl...

(WHISPERS) ..black...

..people before,
and I didn't want to cause offence,

because, you know, you're bl...

Black?
Yes.

Black. It's OK. You can say it.
It's not offensive.

You're white, we're black.
It's fine.

Really?

Yeah, really.

(LAUGHS)

That is such a relief!

I'm so sorry.

Look at me. I'm a mess!
Covered in sweat!

(LAUGHS)

I apologise.

And... and thank you
for your understanding.

It's totally fine.

Whew! (LAUGHS)

Alright, let's just get
a few things filled in here,

and if it all checks out,

we can get your black arses
into Black Street, Blacktown

before you can say
"black-black-blackity-blackington"!

(DOOR OPENS)
Uh...

What happened?

(TV PLAYS)

(LOUD KNOCK AT DOOR)

I'll go check.

(DOG BARKS)

That's weird. No-one's there.

Oh. Bit weird.

(COUGHS)

What's that smell?

Hmm.
Smells like... smokes and...

(COUGHS)

..boorays.
Mm-hm.

(HORROR MOVIE MUSIC)

(BOTH COUGH)

(LAUGHS EVILLY)
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