03x03 - Episode 3

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Black Comedy". Aired November 2014 - current.*
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"Black Comedy" is a fast paced comedic look at Australian culture brought together by Indigenous Australian writers and performers.
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03x03 - Episode 3

Post by bunniefuu »

Agh!

Agh!

(ALL CHANT)

(ALL CONTINUE CHANTING)

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, I gotta say, daught,
you've got yourself quite the fella.

(CHUCKLES) Isn't he great?

Uh, I almost forgot -
I brought a gift.

Oh, I hope it's not smallpox.
(LAUGHS)

Oh, no -
it's definitely not smallpox.

Oh, I'm just joking with ya!

(LAUGHS)

Um...

It's Monopoly.

Oh! I've never played Monopoly.

I hate paying for bills
in real life - why do it for fun?

Dad!
I'm just saying.

Oh. I... I can take it back.

Oh! Of course not.

(SIGHS) No, let's play. It'll be fun.

"Income tax. $ ."

Yes!

Uh, sorry, Bev. That actually means
you have to PAY $ , not... get it.

Oh! Cough it up, Bev!

Can't bend the rules just 'cause
you're black - right, Anton?

Hey, it's your turn next, babe.

Oh, doubles! Lucky.

Ooh, Trafalgar Square!

(ENGLISH ACCENT) I've always
wanted to go to London!

(LAUGHS)

Uh, your turn, Fred.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Uh, it says here
double means you go again.

Oh, no - it's your dad's turn.

Well, don't go easy on us
just 'cause we're newbies.

Oh, we're gonna have a feisty game!

Yeah. How do you usually play?

Oh, I...

..usually play it pretty seriously.

Well, let's play it serious, then.

Alright.

"Advance to Go. Collect $ ."

My turn.

You think you're lucky, Anton,

but you're looking at the luckiest
black man on this planet.

Always bet on black.

Bev-Bev, blow on the dice,
wish me luck?

Oh!

Nngh!

Ah! Chancey-Chance.

"Go to Jail. Go directly to Jail.

"Do not pass Go.
Do not collect $ ."

(PRISON GATE SLIDES, SLAMS)

(POT BUBBLES, MUSIC PLAYS QUIETLY)

(ELECTRONIC BELL DINGS)

(GASPS)

Good morning, my big girl!

About time ya come to me for a wax!

Mmmmm!

Now, you lay down
and get them chulawurras off.

(CLOTHING RUSTLES)

(GASPS) Gee, big girl!

I thought your eyebrows were bad!

You've got the whole Pilliga Scrub
between your legs!

Niecey!

What you doing laying around
with your new man like that?

A new man needs a new mick.

And we gonna wax you good,
make you fresh for him -

he'll never leave you then.

We'll give you hairless heaven.

No hair down there.

A mowed mick...

..and a smooth sissy.

Now, you just lay back, my big girl,

and let Aunty Mary
make everything better!

(DISCORDANT, SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

So, Tanya, what brings you here?

I've started this new job

and for the first time in my life

I'm the only blackfella
in the workplace.

It's just started doing my head in.

OK. Look, um...

Ooh!

I have to admit something
here, Tanya -

uh, full disclosure -

I've... never actually had
an Aboriginal client before.

Which I don't think
will be a problem -

we're all... we're all the one race.

I, um...

No, I'm sure we can make this work.

So, what exactly is it
that's doing your head in?

I was at work the other day

and one of my colleagues
walked past my desk

and was like, "Oh! You're
the new social media manager?"

and I was like "Yeah, I am.
I started last week."

And then she goes
"Where are you from?"

and I say, "Melbourne."

And then she goes,

"No, no, no,
where are you from from?"

So I go, "Right. I'm from Rezza."

And the goes,
"Where are your people from?"

So I go...
"People are from Gippsland."

Like... how rude, right?

Sorry. What do you mean?
Huh?

Why is it rude?

Do you think she would have asked
me times where I'm from

if my skin wasn't this colour?

Maybe she was just curious.
Sometimes people are just curious.

Are you sure it was times,
or did it just feel like times?

Because I don't think
there's much of a crime

in being interested in someone.

OK.

So anyways, we're having lunch
in the staff kitchen

and I'm microwaving my lunch,

and the dude I sit next to walks in

and he's like, "Oh, what bush tucker
are you heating up?

"Is it a kangaroo?
Did you k*ll it with a boomerang?"

Did you?

I'm vegan.

Oh. Oh... no, I can understand
why that was offensive.

I feel like
you're not really getting it.

They wouldn't be doing it
if I was white.

Do you get that?
Whoa... Whoa, Tanya.

I need to ask you
to calm down, missy.

You're getting
a little bit aggressive there.

OK? We're on the same side.

I just need you
to help me understand

why you're feeling what you do.

Well, the thing that really
set me off was just yesterday.

We were having a staff meeting
and one of my colleagues walked in,

turned to me and said,
"What's up, my n*gga?"

And...? Did you tell them what's up?

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

♪ Some people belong in the water

♪ Some people belong on the land

♪ You get out there and save them

♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

Is that a shark?

Where?

Hey, yeah, it is!

What are we gonna do?

I'll get the bastard.

Hey, cuzzy,
grab us a beer, would ya?!

(GIRL SCREAMS)

(GIRL SCREAMS)

I'm short. I might have to fold.

Oh, no, no, no, you're right, Mum.
Just pay me back later.

You can sleep on the mattress
in the lounge room.

That's not an official rule.

What?

You're starting to take
this game really seriously.

It's OK! I found an emergency
I'd stuck under the board.

Whoo-hoo!

I knew you'd cough up.

See, babe. They'll pay.

You've just gotta squeeze 'em.

Fred, your turn.

(CELL DOOR OPENS)
Oh, I'm finally out.

Got a clean slate.

Get ready to rumble, Anton.

Ooh! Doubles!
Things are looking up, baby.

(EXHALES)

(WIND HOWLS)

Go to jail.

Go directly to jail.

Do not pass Go.

Do not collect $ .

I can't go back inside.
He just got out!

Please. I can't go back in there.

Please, Anton,
I can't go back inside.

Please just give me a chance.
Please, boy - give me one chance.

Rules are rules, Fred.

You said so yourself.

Don't worry. I'll be out soon.
I'll write you every week.

I'll just hit the gym
to pass the time.

Euston Road. I own that.

Didn't you used to own that, Nikki?

Yep.

Euston Road was part of the family
for turns...

..till Anton came along, bought it
cheap while I was desperate.

It's all within the rules.

Ooh, the rules!

Kayla, I have something
I need to tell you.

Yeah?

We've been together a while now.

Um... two months,
five weeks and four days.

Is that all?
(GIGGLES)

Wow. It feels way longer than that.

Kay, being with you has really...
opened my eyes up to the world.

Really?
Yes.

And I want to close them again.
I want to go back.

Go back?

I don't want to see anymore.
Not my privilege.

Not my whiteness or my cisness
or my hetness or my ableness.

I liked it better
when I was just regular ol' Pete,

going about my happy white life

not knowing everything was
so... problematic.

Everything's not problematic.

With you it is!

Saying the word 'homie'.

Problematic.

Sushi doughnuts. Problematic.

Fake tan. Problematic.

Dreadlocks. Problematic.

Playing the didgeridoo. Problematic.

Saying the word 'idiot'. Problematic.

Wearing red, black and yellow.
Problematic.

Mel Gibson. Problematic.

But those things ARE problematic!
But they weren't before I met you!

Only because you didn't know!

Argh! You ruin everything!

You're a... r-r-ruiner.

I'm not a ruiner! I'm Aboriginal!
Exactly.

So you're breaking up with me
because I'm Aboriginal?

No. No.

I'm breaking up with you
because I'm... white.

That's the exact same thing.

No, it's not.
Yes, it is!

Lah, lah, lah! You're not ruining
being white for me.

I'm not listening! Lah, lah, lah!

Pete, this is very problematic!

Pete, come back. OK! OK!

Look, you can have
the sushi doughnuts,

but let me keep Mel Gibson. Please!

MAN: Yeah, here we are
at the Australia Day Megastore.

We've got Officer Nath... undercover.

This is a hotbed
for coconut activity.

These fellas
just can't help themselves.

♪ Blakforce
Blak, Blakforce

♪ Ooh, hey, hey

♪ Blakforce
Blak, Blakforce... ♪

(RADIO STATIC)

Hey, Sarge, eyes up.
We got a live one.

They're like black moths
to a dumb flame.

Here we go.

Here he is.
To your right, to your right.

To your right, there he is.
Turn to your right.

Turn to your right.

Wait for it.

I've got ya now!
Go, go, go!

Where are you gonna go?
Go, go, go, go!

Damn! (STARTS ENGINE)

(SIREN WAILS)

(GASPS)

Oh, Sarge! We're on him,
we're on him, Sarge.

He's had a thong blowout.
Thong blow-out!

Oof! (GROANS)

(BLEEP)! Whoo!

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Did I tell you to move? Stay still.

I'll tell you to move.

Look at these things.
Gammin craftsmanship.

How far did you think you were gonna
get in these... Aussie flag thongs?

Bag it up as evidence.

So what the hell
were you doing in there?

I was just gettin'
a couple of things for some mates!

"Mates"?! We don't say "mates",
bruz!

We say "cuz".
"Cuz!"

Oh, it's just a day off, man.

Blackfellas don't have days off.

We have sick leave
and cultural days.

BOTH: Hey!

Come on, bruz -
give us a chance, eh?

Give you a chance, yeah?
Come on.

You should be ashamed of yourself,
you little coconut. Come here.

Get him in there.

We'll be taking your race card
from you too.

Oh, man...

Another one down, Sarge.
Yeah.

Hey? Keeping the streets...

(BLEEP)! (BLEEP) ya!

Hey! Watch that mouth there, skip!
(CHUCKLES)

♪ Blakforce
Blak, Blakforce

♪ Ooh, hey

♪ Blakforce
Blak, Blakforce. ♪

Alright, Tyrone, you go first.

And remember the rules -

We only have a minute to guess
the book, movie or TV show.

Book.

Basketball.

Police? Arresting? Deaths in custody?

Choking.

f*ck, I don't know.
Tall Man? Shadowboxer?

Bad feminist?
Talking up to white women?

Redefining realness?
Lemons on the chicken wire?

Terra nullius!

The Bible?
The Torah?

The Quran?
Fifty f*ckin' Shades of Grey!

What the f*ck is that?

Are you serious? It's a book.

I mean, I've never read it, but it's
part of the cultural zeitgeist.

What's it about? Ethics?
Kind of.

It's this kinky little sex book

about this young woman who
falls in love with this older guy.

He's like
a full kind of like weirdo dude

who's got this whole room
just full of chains, full of whips,

and she's kind of like,
"Ooh, I don't want to do that."

He's like, "Oh, nah, do it."
She's kind of like, "Alright".

And then she does, and then
she's like, "Oh, that was weird."

And then... It's just crazy.
It's great.

Sounds abusive, but sure.

Don't kink shame her.

What's kink shaming?

Kink shaming

is when you make someone feel bad
about their sexual preferences.

Isn't that h*m*? I can't keep
up with all these words.

Being gay isn't a kink, Tasha.

Alright. Nicole, you're next.

Movie.
Movie.

One word.
One word.

Oh! Uh... Uh... Titanic!

Yes!
Whoo!

Yes!

Yes!

For f*ckin' real?
Man, it's a classic.

MAN: Here we are.

MAN : Here we are.

Finally got our land back.

WOMAN: Yep.

We...

..got it.

When we said we wanted our land
back, did we mean this bit?

Technically, I guess.

Well, I mean, we didn't...
not... ask for it.

But is this even our land?

Doesn't matter. It is now.

Yeah.
Yeah!


Yeah.

So...

What do we do now?

Yeah, what do we do now?

Maybe we start a "What do we do
with our land?" council.

Yeah?

I'll go to the register.
Mark, you do the signage.

Joanie, you do the letterhead.

And, Willy, you stay here and make
sure no-one steals our land again.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Electric Company. I'll buy that.

Oh! First one in the family
to own a business.

We'll all celebrate when I get out.

Oh, sh*t. I'm $ short.

Well, your mother and I saved
a little nest egg for you, darling.

Haven't we, Bev?
We sure have, babycakes.

Least I could do. Since I haven't
been around for a while.

Oh, Dad! Mum!

Guys, you shouldn't have!

(CLEARS THROAT)
There's an itty bitty issue.

Per the terms of my deal with Bev,

the deal we made when she landed
on Whitechapel Road,

Bev can't loan another player money

without first paying back
her full debt to me.

And Bev still owes me $ .

So, uh, sorry, babe,
no Electric Company for you.

I'll have that!

That will be $ , .

No.

Maybe you could sell
your wedding ring, love.

Yeah. And save up the money
and you can get it back later.

No! I'm not paying. This is my land!

It's my property.
Yeah, but on MY land!

You see, I claim... land rights.

Sovereignty never ceded!

Listen, I bought that land,
fair and square,

through hard work and merit.

Always was, always will be,

Aboriginal land.

Always was, always will be...
Bev, sit down.

Aboriginal land!
Sit down.

Always was...

BOTH: always will be,
Aboriginal land!

Always was, always will be...
Do not make me use force.

Bev, sit down before he calls the
cops or we'll both get locked up!

BOTH: Aboriginal land!
That's it!

Go and call the cops!

(LAUGHS)

Do not resist! Yield! Yield!

(SPRAYS)

Bev! Bev!

Today we're gonna do something
very, very special for you mob.

We're gonna do a smoking ceremony.

Now, our people have been
doing smoking ceremony

for hundreds and millions and
billions and trillions of years -

even longer than that.

Now, the smoking ceremony
can be done for different reasons.

It can be done, you know,

to get bad spirits away
or to cleanse your spirit.

But, anyway, we're gonna do a smoking
ceremony for you mob, alright?

OK, here we go.

(CHANTS) Yo!

(CHANTS RHYTHMICALLY)

(CONTINUES RHYTHMIC CHANT)

Yo!

Ah! Ay!

♪ Now, who got them dumpers?
Who got them rollies?

♪ Who got that yarndie?
Who got that White Ox?

♪ Who got them dumpers?
Who got them rollies?

♪ Who got that yarndie?
Who got that White Ox? ♪

Here, now, here now, over here.
Here, here.

ALL: (CHANT) ♪ Draw there,
half there, last there, somethin'

♪ Draw there, half there,
last there, somethin'

♪ Draw there, half there,
last there, somethin'

♪ Ahhh!

♪ Well, pick up them dumpers,
save 'em for after

♪ Pick up them dumpers,
save 'em for after

♪ Pick up them dumpers,
save 'em for after

♪ Pick up them dumpers,
save 'em for after

(CHANTS RHYTHMICALLY TO END)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Water Damaged Warehouse.

Water Damaged Warehouse.

BOTH: Water Damaged Warehouse.
Hey, you mob.

I'm Bully.
And I'm Boonga.

And we're identical twins.

The Boomerang Brothers.

Recently, Harvey Norman had a water
pipe burst, which destroyed

hundreds and thousands of dollars'
worth of equipment.

And we picked it up cheap.

And we're passing the savings...

On to you!

Like this dryer. Only bucks.

It's still good for stuff.

This toaster, bucks.

Still works.
Just got to dig 'em out a bit.

(ELECTRICITY BUZZES)

And what about these speakers?

Only bucks.

Bloody struth!

And listen to that sound quality.

(BANJO MUSIC PLAYS)

Oh!

That sounds as crispy
as a Domino's pizza!

So, come on down to
the Water Damaged Warehouse!

Just across the river from where
that croc took Auntie Liz's foot.

'Cause we're drowning in bargains!

(CHEERING)

Over , kilometres ago, Jimmy
the Dreamer set out with a dream.

That dream was to raise awareness
about a very special issue.

Now that journey is about to
come to an end

as Jimmy is about to cross
the finish line.

Here he comes now!

(CHEERING)
Jimmy!

Jimmy, Jimmy. Congratulations!
Can you tell us about your journey?

Thanks, sis.

This was proper amazing, eh.

I've had schoolkids walk with me.

It's been so humbling. Thanks, sis.

And all this mob here.
Coming out to support me.

It's been really touching, you know?

Yeah, Jimmy, can you tell us
what they were supporting?

Well, look,
when I started out, eh...

..I had a real clear idea,
I wanted to walk around Australia,

and shed some light on
a really important issue

that would change the lives of every
Aboriginal person in this country.

(CHEERING)

Yes!
Yeah, Jimmy!

Amazing.

But when I get to Dubbo...

..I just forgot, eh.

Uh... uh, you forgot?

Like, I didn't write it down.
Like, I thought I'd remember.

But I guess all the... all the
walking been distract me, you know?

But I do remember it was really,
really important, you know?

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Well, what's next
for Jimmy the Dreamer?

I read an article on muscle memory,

and I figured if I retrace my steps,
it might jog my memory, you know,

and remember the really important
cause I've been walking for.

(CHEERING)

Good luck with it, Jimmy!
Yeah, no, thanks, sis.

I'll run back the other way now.

(CHEERING)

Jimmy the Dreamer.
What an Australian hero.

Ready, Fred?
I like it in here now.

I know it.

I get three square meals a day.

But out there, I don't even know
what it's like anymore.

You have to leave jail
at some point, mate.

It's a drain on the rest of us.

But what am I going to do for money?

Eh? What am I going to do for money?

OK, Fred, here's the plan.

I'll cover your costs for now.

But given your level of debt,

and the fact you've been in jail
more than three times,

I'm going to need you to use

this cashless welfare card
for future transactions

so I can monitor your spending.

I'm also going to need you to take
a urine test

every two times around the board
to make sure you're clean.

What!? (SCOFFS) Those are
not Monopoly rules!

Ah!

When you signed over your utilities,

we agreed that rules
could be changed if we had a vote.

Oh!
Well, let's vote.

Bev, a quick reminder -
you sold me your vote.

Fred, same goes for you.

No, no, no, no, no.

Remember - this is a dry zone now,

because someone can't be trusted
around the 'drinky drinky'.

Oh, enough! Monopoly sucks.
But you know what sucks more?

You do, Anton. We're done.

Now get the f*ck
out of my parents' house!

Actually -

and this is kind of awkward -

but after Bev landed on my hotel
on Park Lane, she and I cut a deal

where future rents incurred by me
would be subsidised by any equity

she held - which included this house
and all common property.

Common property based on the pre-
definition of flora and fauna.

So...

(GASPS)
..you see, I own this house.

And everything in it.

Including... you guys.

What?!

I told you
I took Monopoly pretty seriously.

Really, I think it's for the best.

I'm not a bad guy.

Trust me.
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