04x05 - The Gala

[bunniefuu]

We're starting the Calloway
Philanthropic Trust,

which will donate $ million.

Kids born with Frozen Nostril
Syndrome deserve my compassion.

Our foundation is doing
a lot of great work.

I mean, we're helping
kids breathe and sh*t.

Cam asked me to be the
chairperson for a gala event

for the family foundation.

Do you think it's a bad idea?

I think it's an idea that
should remain an idea.

And I think I'm gonna do it.

If I know that I'm about
to step in a pile of sh*t,

and then I step in a pile of sh*t,

I still stepped in a pile of sh*t,

and that's on me, Missy.

That ain't on that pile of sh*t.

♪

That looks good, boys.

Oh, hey, Mary Charles. I thought
you already left for school.

I wanted to see the unveiling
of yet another statue

in your ever-expanding and now
backyard-dominating saints collection.

Well, say hello to St. Jude,

the patron saint of lost causes.

Why are people praying to lost causes?

Why not pray for some sh*t
that actually could happen,

like me getting a pool back here?

You know, you understand nothing.

I was under the understanding
I'd be standing next to a pool

once the gazebo got demo'd,
but I still don't see a pool.

Pools k*ll more Americans than g*ns.

Get the f*ck out.

I will stay the f*ck in.

Come on, folks, this is
a sanctuary, all right?

Enough with the f*ck-bombs.

F-bombs, not f*ck-bombs.

Look, we got slate paths
and... and shrubs and sh*t.

What's done is done, and
you heard what Chen said,

"Pools k*ll more Americans than g*ns."

Not black Americans. Ain't
a black American alive

who wouldn't prefer to get pulled
over by a cop holding a pool.

Drowning in pools,
bathtubs, oceans, and lakes

kills more people than
g*ns. This is a fact.

Because most people take
baths and go to the beach.

If more kids spent their
summers playing with uzis,

- the facts would differ.
- If you want to swim,

go to that big Olympic pool
at your fancy university.

I don't want a pool to swim
in. I want a pool to sit by.

Pools are for parties,
and we don't have enough.

We're hosting a huge gala tomorrow.

That's a charity event, not a bash.

We're gonna have to behave.

Look, when people come to the gala,

they are gonna know that the
Calloway family gives props to God.

- [PHONE BEEPING]
- Miss Cass, Missy needs me.

Go.

I gotta go over the gala video with Cam.

Then I gotta lay off
, workers via Skype.

- Wish me luck.
- Okay.

Put a pool out front. I'll buy.

How about you hold on to that
money and save their jobs instead?

Hey, I didn't invent automation.

Humans gotta figure out a new
way to make themselves useful.

Besides, most of the
layoffs are children.

Kidding.

Ma, I get you going
back to church and all,

but why do you have to have a statue

of an old Jewish woman
so prominently displayed?

The Virgin Mary was Catholic.

Mary's Jewish.

She gave birth to
Christ, for Christ's sake.

You give birth to
Christ, you're Christian.

I mean, Christianity basically
started inside of her.

At the very least, her
ovaries are Christian.

I gotta get to class.

Mary Charles, I need to thank you.

Last summer, if you weren't such a
stickler for prying into the past,

I may never have sought
solace from God again.

You are responsible for me
revisiting my Catholic roots,

as modest as they were,
so thank you for that.

Of course, Ma.

You know, um, God didn't
consult the Virgin Mary

when he put the Baby
Jesus inside of her.

You know, he didn't
even tell her himself.

He sent the angel Gabriel.
And Gabriel didn't ask Mary.

He said, "Yo, heads up. You
got some fruit in your womb."

He didn't say, "The creator

wants to put the savior
inside of your belly.

Are you cool with that?" No.

God just did it.

You know, maybe he knew
that Mary would think

that she wasn't strong enough
to give birth to the messiah,

but you know what? She was.

God never asked me if I wanted
to be pregnant with you either.

But I'm glad I was.

Me too, Ma.

Otherwise you'd be standing here
talking to yourself right now.

God could have worked on getting
some consent before the fact, though.

Look, I'm not saying that it was
God's will what happened to me.

I mean, God can't stop the bad
things from happening to us.

You know, that's not
how he worked it out.

Sometimes, baby, you
just... you gotta be strong.

You're stronger than strong.

Do you know I realized that I've existed

up until now just moving forward,

but never appreciating the here and now?

'Cause the here and now's here and now.

That's exactly why they
f*cking call it that.

You want to say a Hail Mary with me?

Uh, I'll give her a
shout-out from the car.

Come here.

Mmm.

- I'll see you tonight.
- All right.

- We gotta try our gowns on!
- Oh, yeah.

You know, Missy hooked
us up with some fly sh*t.

Oh, yeah. Ooh, we gonna be
looking so fierce tomorrow.

Bye, Ma.

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

Oh, oh. In the living room, please.

Oh, um, if the doorbell
rings, it's the decorators.

Tell them to get started.

Well, who are all these
dudes in the turquoise shirts?

The movers. Um, I'm gonna be downstairs

going over all the final
gala stuff with Cam.

- REGGIE: Right on.
- He only gave me ten minutes,

- so I have to talk fast.
- b*llet points help.

Cam loves his b*llet points.

And so I got 'em. On index cards.

- REGGIE: Hey.
- b*llet upon b*llet.

Missy, you got everything covered.

Then why am I so stressed?

Because you got high standards.

And you want to make sure
that those standards are met,

and you hate relying on other people
to make sure some of 'em get met.

But such is life. Now,
can I step in on anything?

No. No, no. I don't want any stepping
in. I gotta do this on my own.

Okay... [STUTTERS]
This isn't stepping in.

But I want you to keep in mind

one thing before you
go talk to Cam, okay?

Uh, do you see these papers right here?

This sounds like stepping in.

No. No, no, no. This is more of, uh, me

- traveling on the road returning from a journey...
- Oh.

... passing you, another
traveler on the road,

and just exchanging some reconnaissance.

I have been on gala road for a month.

Yes, but you are now coming
around the final bend,

which without warning,
can switch back on you,

leave you teetering off a sheer cliff.

It is so important to me that
you do not meddle tomorrow night.

- I will make myself invisible tomorrow night,
- [PHONE BEEPS]

but tomorrow's tomorrow,
today I'm just talking.

Yes, about a sheer
cliff. Oh, three minutes.

All right, well this will
take but one of those three.

One minute, one minute, come on.

Sit, sit, sit.

Now listen, you, uh, you see this?

- Mm-hmm.
- Looks like a bunch of papers.

Well, it's not. This is someone's dream.

A dream that Cam Calloway
wanted to make come true.

These are legal documents
for an investment

- in a vintage wallpaper shop in Memphis.
- Ugh.

- Ask me, "Why Memphis?"
- Okay, so we're doing a whole bit here?

- It's worth it.
- Reggie, why Memphis?

Because Cam made friends
with the parking attendant

when he played there, JaMichael.

- [PHONE BEEPS]
- Oh.

And he promised him
that when he made it big,

he wouldn't blow him off.
So Cam's not blowing him off.

But what Cam has done is he's blown
JaMichael the parking attendant's

vintage wallpaper shop into my lap,

and I gotta act like it's a great idea.

Missy, it can't be, for anybody, Hmm?

including people that actually
love vintage wallpaper.

Now, there are stacks and
stacks of documents like this

- all over my f*cking office, Missy, all over...
- Reggie, Reggie, I live with you.

- I know these things.
- Right.

You're talking like I
don't know these things

or like I haven't seen
you deal with these things,

or I haven't overheard you
talking loudly on your cell phone

- cursing about these things.
- Right.

But what I haven't done is
alerted you to the, uh...

the storage space I got at the
intersection of Peachtree and Piedmont.

Piles, piles of folders
just like this one.

People have gotten lost in there.

Lost in a labyrinth

of Cam's well-intentioned patronage

to other people's ill-advised dreams.

Yet all these dreams, all these folders,

they exist due to one word.

This is Cam's favorite word, "Sure."

- One minute.
- Okay, uh, you know what?

I'm gonna walk with you. All right?

So... wait, wait. Man,
you move fast. So, listen.

So, you know how somebody will
come up to Cam and they'll say,

"Hey, man, you interested
in investing in something?"

And then Cam will say, "Sure."
Sometimes he says, "Sure, sure."

Like, two sures. Now somebody
looking for a commitment will ask,

"Is that a yes?" And then
somebody else will say, "Yes."

And then they follow
that with, "Are you sure?"

When somebody asks Cam for
help fulfilling their dream,

he skips the "yes" part,
he goes right to, "sure."

He leads with, "Sure."

Are you still talking?

I mean, you should be
carrying Ophelia at this point.

[CHUCKLES] A Hamlet reference. I get it.

But, hey, a soliloquy's got
no one else on the stage.

You are on stage with me. Not for long.

- Missy...
- Huh?

... to work for Cam
Calloway is to realize that

not only will he create
more work for you,

but majority of your
time will be wasted.

So my final parting meddle is this.

I want you to know that there will
be over the next, I don't know,

-plus hours, fallout
from a Cam "sure"

that you didn't know was spoken.

And I want you to know
that when that happens,

it is not a reflection on
how well you have prepared.

But it is important on how you react,

how you bob, how you weave,

how you duck, how you cover.

I want you to stay Missy, you
stay positive, and you stay sure.

Your success is my success.

I knew you would say the right thing

- when I walked into your office today.
- Mm-hmm.

I also knew that I would
have to pull that right thing

out of an avalanche of words.

Baby, I just try to babble
until something lands.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

- I'm nervous.
- All right.

- All right.
- Get 'er done.

Yes, yes.

Whoa, that's it. That's it! Yes!

Ye... no! No! Whoa!

Whoo, sh*t! Oh, sh*t!

Yo, Chen, that ain't virtual reality,
yo. This is r... reality reality.

Careful! When you take them off,

you gotta go slow and get readjusted.

Yo, that is the sh*t right there.

- How did you pull this off?
- I got people.

I gotta get some people like that.

Chinese film nerd masterminds.
We took your notes to heart.

This is about to be the dopest,

most realest gala charity
video presentation in history.

When are you going public with
those goggles? I gotta invest.

You already did. Any final video tweaks?

Try to find something that's a
little more impactful with disease.

I feel like disease should
make people feel uneasy.

See, the difference between our
foundation and other foundations,

we not just gonna throw a party,

we gonna make people feel.

And the video has gotta
be what makes people feel.

We gotta gut punch
these people, all right?

- Yeah.
- Oh, and also,

um, stop dating my mom.

[LAUGHING]

sh*t, man. You looked so serious.

You're great for her. You love her.

You adore her even though she's
on to this new Catholic gig,

and I... I appreciate you, man.

Back at you. She makes me happy.

I can share her with God. He
and I have different needs.

All right, easy. We can finish the
voiceover tonight after my game.

Whatever you need. Gonna be epic.

- Hey, hey, hey.
- BOTH: Hey.

There we go. Now
there's one of my people.

Talk about somebody who gets
something done, Missy Vaughn.

How's the VR presentation?

It's about to put a whole
bunch of wealthy people

into this disturbing
reality of the circumstances

that we are working to change.

It's gonna destroy people.

- I just want you to be happy.
- I'm beyond happy.

- This gala is about to be different than any other gala.
- Let me see.

Chen just put in some final
tweaks that I asked for.

He k*lled it. I'm about to k*ll it
even more when I do my voiceover.

- k*ll, k*ll, k*ll.
- Well, how does it work?

- Not like that.
- Look, I got this, okay?

Let me have something to
do with the party, please.

All right. Chen, you
need anything from me?

Cocaine. Been working long hours.

Missy, I say this with all love.

- Walk away. Go handle some other sh*t.
- All right.

Thank yo... oh, wait, hey!
Could you make sure that Allison

looks and feels like a million bucks?

It's not hard to do, but I want her
to feel like the belle of the ball.

And the same thing for Mom and M-Chuck.

Spare no expense in their gowns.

It's done. It's in their closets.
I just need them to put it on.

And if my evening is a success,

I will get to see
your mother's come off.

- Oh!
- What else we got? Man, I gotta get to the arena.

Yes. Chen, I need you
to sign a few things.

Oh, DJ Hopey Frolic is in.

Hopey Frolic? Yes!

And for the live auction, I got
Nate Davis, a real auctioneer.

I need him to soak these rich
people until it hurts them.

Yes, raising money will
take active shaming.

I like to call it
compassionate persuasion.

I'm gonna need to pull you
towards people all night.

The minute folks walk in the door,

they will download the
"Cam Calloway Get Woke" app.

- [PHONE CHIMING]
- Whoa, you had this made just for us?

I went to college. I got people.

Missy's got people. I got people.

I love you people. This is great!

[CHUCKLES] As the night goes
on, we can track how we're doing,

see how much money we've raised,
and then adjust accordingly.

Okay, well, you know what?
I'm ready to go to work.

Run me around like Barack
running and grabbing cash

for Michelle's run for president.

But this gala cannot
just be a good time.

We gotta make people feel the tragedy

of the circumstances
we're trying to change.

Clean water, more humane
prisons, nostril surgeries.

Cam, it's a good goal to get
people to care like you care.

But the gala's goal
is to get their money.

Not everyone's wired with
your empathy and compassion.

Well, our job is to rewire
these callous m*therf*ckers.

I do think that people want to help,

but I will concede that
taking a photo with you

will help them help more.

CHEN: And they want to see
what your house looks like.

Where you sh*t, where you
eat, where you copulate.

- MISSY: Ugh.
- You see, Cam,

now more than ever
before in man's history,

the world is bifurcated. There
are the famous and the anonymous.

And tomorrow night, the latter
can in an instant touch the former

and shine in his reflected light,

thus to confirm their fading convictions

that their own lives have meaning

and that they even exist at all.

- A'ight.
- Excuse...

Oh, can I show you the schedule?

Schedule approved. I
gotta get to the arena.

Oh, Missy, I'm gonna send you a text

because I met these guys
with this donut business,

and I really want them to come tomorrow.

I'm trying to give
their business a boost.

I think we should have
a whole donut station.

People love when you give them donuts,

especially when they
ain't gotta pay for them.

That's when they really be eating them.

H... how many donuts are
we talking about here?

And... and what kind of
donuts? Like the cake donuts

or the fluffy donuts or
with the egg glaze and, uh...

Give me the information. I'll handle it.

Hey Missy, I've been
wanting to tell you,

I could never have
done this without you.

- [CHUCKLES]
- You have gone above and beyond

the above and beyond,

and I have enjoyed watching
every single move you've made.

And I have enjoyed doing this, Cam.

- Come on. Come on.
- Oh, okay.

- All right.
- [CHUCKLES]

You've given me the opportunity

to really do a lot of things
I've been thinking about

and help people I've
been wanting to help.

This gala is about to put us on the
map, and it's all because of you.

That's not true and you know it.

Come on now. Take the compliment.

I've been running around
doing a million things,

and I've had you doing
ten million things.

She's done all of them
without breaking a sweat.

- Damn straight.
- I've sweat in some places.

I just won't tell you where.

[CHUCKLES] Tomorrow night,
people are going to leave here

talking about the Calloway
Philanthropic Trust.

Let's leave them woke.

Woke and a bit more broke.

- Let's go. Let's get it.
- Hey!

♪ I gotta testify ♪

♪ Come up in the spot looking extra fly ♪

♪ For the day I die I'ma touch the sky ♪

♪ Gotta testify ♪

♪ Come up in the spot
looking extra fly ♪

Cam, this is Mike Valorose
of Valley High Financial.

- Mm-hmm.
- He manages over $ billion.

That's right. Oh, hey, I'm
gonna manage this right now.

- Oh.
- You stay right close.

We're gonna clear off
this platter together.

- Mike, you ever been to prison?
- I haven't, no.

I got detention once in third grade.

Brought a stink b*mb to class.
The principal was not happy.

[LAUGHTER]

When those prison
gates close behind you,

the light gets sucked out with life.

Hope is extinguished.

As a society, we gotta... we
gotta do better and foster hope.

- Isn't shrimp great?
- [LAUGHS]

I feel kinda bad eating
them 'cause, you know,

they're just tiny little fishies,

but come on, c'est la vie.

A man's gotta eat, right?

[LAUGHING]

Can I count on you to stand with
me and make a sizeable contribution?

What the f*ck you think I'm doing here?

I got the app. I'll do it in a second.

You ever seen an uncooked shrimp?

It's got this line of
sh*t down the back of it.

They call it a vein, but I know
sh*t when I see it. It's so gross.

Oh, for God's sake.

- [PHONE CHIMING]
- All right?

- Oh, this is absolutely beautiful.
- What a party, huh?

How about this? Damn,
these donuts are still warm.

Very tempting.

Hi, I... I'm Cassie, Cam's mom.

And this is, uh, Da Chen
Bao, Reggie, and Allison.

- Hi.
- Nate Davis. I'm the auctioneer.

- Oh, wonderful!
- How we doing? How we doing? How we doing?

He's got the patter down.

Yeah, I came to put the
patter on the people.

- Oh!
- Gonna raise you some money tonight.

- Hallelujah.
- Yeah.

I'm the go-to guy when it
comes to charity auctions...

- Oh.
- ... because I know who's got money,

and I'll get it from them.

People are getting
liquored up. Sugared up.

Goddamnit, I love donuts.

Well, you know, when they're
displayed this artfully,

- it's hard not to.
- If I eat even half a donut,

I'm plugged up for days.

More details, Chen, please?

You know what? I would
love a glazed one,

but I don't want my tummy
to poke out of my dress.

You know I gotta watch what I eat.

Yeah, you and me both. I'm diabetic.

No fooling.

But you only live once. Ah.

You got frosted donuts, glazed donuts,

coconut donuts, sprinkled donuts.

Going once, going twice, sold!

Two donuts for the bold man
who's living for the moment!

Ha! See you out there.

All right, all right.

Ooh, I'm sick to death of white people.

♪

Man, I love a good cigar.

Love me a charity event that
has nothing to do with cancer

so we can guiltlessly
smoke a good cigar.

Uh, you know what, Chen?
I wanted to ask you, man...

Yes, it's easy being me.

No. I was going to ask how is it

you don't have a place
down here in Atlanta?

I have two places. Condo downtown
and a mansion a mile from here.

I'm an only child. I prefer
being here with everyone.

- Two places?
- Two places.

Get the f*ck outta here.

I will stay the f*ck right here
and blow cigar smoke in your face.

Better than the smoke
you blew up my ass.

- Hey, Robby.
- Let me give you a tip.

This prick ever asks you to invest
in a beachfront hotel in Florida,

tell him to take a hike.

Robby, water under the bridge.

- f*ck you, Chen.
- Whoa.

Say hi to the wife.

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ All right, all right ♪

We gotta keep the maggot
feces out of our water.

Everyone in the Middle Ages drank
beer because the water was so dirty.

I mean, do we really want to have kids

getting drunk just so
they can stay alive?

When you see a child pick
his nose for the first time,

it's a beautiful thing.

You don't look like a man
that's ever been in prison.

You wouldn't do well.

Why do we have to choose
between a man in prison

dying face down in a
pool of his own blood

or a child dying face down
in a pile of his own sh*t?

Next time you see a porta potty,
imagine drinking the water.

To a lot of people your toilet
is like a goblet of champagne.

I mean, this isn't the first time

that someone's gotten
stabbed while sleeping.

There's no grass...
is your brother here?

Richard, see, when
the people of good will

have the means to spread the wealth,

- we gotta do it.
- red!

Yeah!

I'm all in on the cause,
and I'm all in on that wheel,

which is hot right now.

Clean water for everyone.

He knows he just won
drink coupons, right?

The auctioneer had to lie down upstairs.

Uh, I got a paramedic coming,
but apparently he's a diabetic

and he decided to eat some donuts.

I saw that man eat six.

We're gonna need to raise
money for a bionic foot.

Classic case of the sugars. You
know that's a real thing, right?

- Cam's not gonna be happy.
- Whoa, whoa.

Cam's not gonna know about this.

I just meant that Cam thought
the donuts were low sugar.

He ate, like, four.

Allison, I need you to do the auction.

I'd like my boyfriend to
still love me in the morning.

I'm just here to smile and look pretty.

- And you are slaying, girl.
- Thank you, thank you.

Cassie, I need you to do the auction.

I ain't doing that sh*t.
Plus I'm kinda drunk.

I already had three of these
frozen nostril margarita things.

- Get Mary Charles to do it.
- Do what?

Can you behave yourself?

- If I need to. Why?
- Okay.

You need me to help with anything?

Stop meddling. Go eat
a donut. I got this.

Okay, let's get you a microphone.

- Um, so the... the key word is patience.
- Okay.

- And, um, and kindness.
- Yes.

- And gentle pressure.
- Of course.

And... and... and
humor. Humor's important.

- Missy, what am I doing?
- Okay, right, right, sorry. You're gonna be great.

Come on.

All right, folks, hey.
My name is Mary Charles.

I'm gonna be the auctioneer tonight.

Why am I nervous?

Your sister has a mic and a crowd.

- I believe in her.
- M-CHUCK: Don't come cheap.

Or I'm gonna come for you
with both barrels loaded.

And I got a pretty big g*n.

All right, first item
up is a pit bull puppy

born and bred by musical
artist Pitbull himself.

We all know he's Cuban.

This is probably the last immigrant

that's gonna come to this
country for a long time.

So we want to make sure he
feels at home, all right?

So, we can start the bidding at .

That's Miami for those
of you who ain't got hoes

in different area codes.

But since he's Mr. Worldwide now,

we're gonna open at
, . Do I hear , ?

Come on, guys, can we
get , for the dog?

$ , . Come with me.

Let's let them see the
puppy up close and personal.

Maybe that'll change their
mind. $ , is all I'm asking

for this cute little blue
pit bull puppy right here.

Some of you have kids.
Some of your kids like you.

Most of your kids don't. This
could make the difference.

[LAUGHTER]

Who's got $ , ? Come on.

All right, Ayala.
Ayala's gonna fix my life.

She's gonna fix the dog's life.
Who's got $ , to top that?

I want you to cough it up and
I want you to cough it up now.

All right, Johann
Sebastian Bach's got $ , .

That's what I'm talking
about for the dog.

What if Mr. Beethoven man turned
out to be the next Michael Vick? Huh?

Do we want to see this poor dog
on a Sarah McLachlan commercial

about how dogs get abused?

Who's got $ , for the dog?

Come on, gluten-free lady,

I see you looking very
concerned for the dog.

Do you want to give
me $ , for the dog?

Or do you want to keep that
money and bet on a dog fight?

Can I hear $ , to
save your reputation?

$ , from the gluten-free lady.

I love it. We got a pit bull dog,

so I need somebody to come with $ , .

Hey, Mr. Monopoly, I know
you've been playing around

in the community chest. I'm sure
you collected a lot of big rent.

Give me my $ , for
this dog, you got that?

Yes! My Mr. Monopoly
man, he's coming up.

He passed go. He collected
$ . He got to Boardwalk.

Now listen, between you
and me, he looks like a guy

that might have sex with
dogs over Marvin Gardens.

- We don't want to put this dog in that situation,
- See?

subject him to possible, you
know, bestiality or whatnot.

So who's gonna give
me $ , for the dog?

How many of us think he
can do this for $ , ?

Right? Come on. What are you
gonna do? Everybody's watching you.

- Boom. $ , . Going once, twice,
- Oh!

sold to the beautiful
lady in the blue dress.

And that's the way it works. We
just saved a dog from getting f*cked.

WOMAN: All right. Yeah,
that was it. That was it.

MAN: That was something else, right?

And without further ado, the
man of the hour, Cam Calloway.

- CASSIE: My baby!
- [APPLAUSE]

Thank you all for
coming out and showing up

for people who need our help.

I really love how you guys
were showing up tonight.

[APPLAUSE]

We got DJ Hopey Frolic in the
house to get your feet moving

in about a half an hour. I
hope you can stay for that.

[APPLAUSE]

CROWD: Hopey! Hopey!

We here at the Calloway
Philanthropic Trust

are not afraid to face
life's difficulties head on.

Mass incarceration,
congenital disorders,

and clean water for
the poverty-stricken.

Now this is the time of the night
where someone would usually come up

and talk about the causes,
ask for a little more money,

try to sweat your feelings
for a little extra cash.

But I don't think it's
enough to just talk about it.

I want to put you in it.
I want to give you a taste

of what it's like to walk, not a mile,

just five minutes in
somebody else's shoes,

so that you can see
what these people see.

Live what they live.
Feel what they feel.

This is the time to ask yourself
are you ready to stand up

and be counted as an ally

to those who a lot of
people have left behind.

So, it's time for us to
leave our world for a moment

and travel to a world of those who need.

We got some cutting-edge
virtual reality technology

my friend Chen and I have been
working on for quite some time

that's about to blow your minds.

So go ahead and put your goggles on.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- Wait until you see the final tweaks I did.
- I'm excited.

Chen, cue the video and the music.

[MUSIC PLAYING, BIRDS CHIRPING]

[CROWD GASPING]

CAM VOICEOVER: Who here likes apple pie?

[MURMURING]

You can smell it, can't you?

Well, you couldn't if you
had Frozen Nostril Syndrome.

- [BABY COOING]
- ALL: Aww.

Even if it was a real pie,
you can't smell or breathe.

Kids born with Frozen Nostril Syndrome

make the worst cry you've ever heard.

This is the cry of a kid
born without nostrils.

- [BABY SCREECHES]
- [CROWD GROANS]

That's what it feels like

inside a Frozen Nostril kid's head.

We have to help them.

And we have to help the incarcerated.

- [DOOR BUZZES]
- MAN: This is my bitch!

- [CROWD GASPS]
- Are there people in there who deserve to be?

- [GLASS SHATTERS, g*nshots, MEN SHOUTING]
- Sure.

[CROWD GASPS] But our humanity is
directly tied to how humane we are.

Today's prisons are
an unregulated w*r zone

of physical and mental v*olence.

RICHARD: Oh, sh*t, look out!

[SPLAT, g*nsh*t, SIREN CHIRPS]

CAM VOICEOVER: In order to rehabilitate,

- What was that?
- we must reform how we educate and house.

Otherwise, it's death to us all.

- [SPLAT]
- [CROWD GASPING]

Punch him! Pu... punch him back!

f*ck! s*ab that m*therf*cker!

Get 'em. Whack...
whack that m*therf*cker!

- Ay-ay-yi-yi.
- MAN: Take him out, guards!

[SIRENS, g*nshots]

f*ck, ma! Ma! They're sh**ting!

Where are you? Where are you?

- Okay, I'm right here, baby! I'm right here!
- Let's go!

[CRASHING] Oh, this is f*cking awesome.

CAM VOICEOVER: Too many Americans
live lives in hopeless poverty.

Every year a sleeping
baby has a finger or thumb

gnawed off by filthy city rats.

[BABY CRYING]

Is that a hand?

[BABY CRYING]

- Millions more face starvation.
- [CROWD GAGGING]

They're forced to find whatever
they can to feed their families.

- That's the sh*t.
- f*ck! This sh*t is horrible!

Chemical by-products of
first-world conveniences

- cause horrible genetic mutations.
- Cam, what... what are you thinking?

Wait, come on. You're gonna miss it.

Maggot-infested water is the only thing

- some people have to drink.
- [CHITTERING, SQUEAKING]

Maggots is just baby
flies. Get the Raid out.

- Only we can make it stop.
- [CROWD GAGGING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[WOMAN SCREAMS] No!

[ALL GROANING]

Get over here!

What the f*ck were you thinking?

I wanted to hit them in their guts.

Well, you completely
overdid it with the video.

We could have shown The
Human Centipede in -D

- and fewer people would have puked.
- How did you f*ck this up?

How did I f*ck this up?

I'm a professional athlete.

The product of the American
culture of idolatry,

which means I am no longer
capable of sound judgment.

When I'm right, I'm right.

When I'm wrong, I'm right,
and my people are wrong

for foolishly trusting me
to do something on my own

without a normal person there
to tell me what should be done.

How am I supposed to know that?

- Reggie should have told you.
- Hey, I'm not stepping in here, but...

He talked for hours and
never said that sh*t!

Well, I would have eventually got to it,

but you rushed me, M...
wait, ooh, excuse me.

Ugh.

I thought that if I went too far,

you would have stopped me.

You told me not to look at the video!

- You expressly said...
- What did I say, Missy?

[SQUELCHING] "Missy,
I got this. Walk away!"

"I got this, walk away,"
means don't go anywhere

until you make sure I got this.

- Stop yelling at me!
- I'm not yelling at you!

I'm yelling at myself by yelling at you!

Two completely different
kinds of yelling!

Well, I can't tell the difference!

Hey, how f*cking great is this, huh?

- [PHONES CHIMING]
- BOTH: What?

Look around! Everyone's donating.

They're emptying both their
stomachs and their wallets.

All's well that ends well.

Hey, how great were those maggots
eating that zebra carcass, huh?

I got f*cking good people.

- [PHONES CHIMING]
- Missy, this is great!

Yo, way to be, girl!
This is f*cking awesome!

[PHONES CHIMING]

I have a new respect
for what you go through.

And that's all I'm saying.

Oh, excuse me. [VOMITS]

♪