02x11 - A sh*t with Finley

Episode transcripts for the web series "Con Man". Aired: September 2015 to January 2017.*
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"Con Man" follows a struggling cult science fiction actor as he tours the convention circuit, makes appearances at comic book stores, and visits pop culture events. He navigates the odd people and incidents he encounters along the way while learning to love the fans he has.
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02x11 - A sh*t with Finley

Post by bunniefuu »

( music playing )

( man singing in Spanish )

( electric guitar riff )

We're back with non-stop,
Godforsaken coverage

of the Shock-A-Con
Talk-A-Thon.

( electric guitar riff )

It's : ... ish.

The floor has completely
closed down,

except for around
the Course of Ambivalence,

where authorities and
claims adjusters have been given
access

through the night.

Let's check in
with Rico Java on the floor.

What?
Back to you.

No, no, I took the last hour.
Back to you.

There's nothing left
to report on, Janet.

The floor is shut down.
The only thing worth reporting

is happening in here, and I
can't get in 'cause they're at
capacity.

Janet:
Oh, my God, Rico.

Come on.

It's really hard for me, okay?
Have some sympathy.

You know how hard this job is
for someone like me?

I should be an actress.
Back to you!

Hey, Janet, Janet.
Back to you.

- Back to you.
- Back to you, Janet.

- Back to you.
- Back to you!

- Back to you.
- Back to you.

Go report on the Talk-A-Con
Shock-A-Thon.

( electric guitar riff )

Shock-A-Con Talk-A-Thon.

- ( electric guitar riff )
- Rico, everyone knows

your real name is Brandon.
Back to you.

( repeats rapidly )
Shock-A-Con Talk-A-Thon.

( electric guitar riff repeats
rapidly )

Back to you.

Thank you.

What the f*ck?

( sensor beeping )

My face. I'm gonna carry
something in my face.

Tiffany, no!

How did you even--
we were on the same elevator.

Tiffany, no!
No.

No, this is poison for
you, poison. Mm-mmm, mm-mmm.

Ugh, I can feel it
ruining my life right now.

So good.
Ruining it right up.

Order a soda.

Vodka soda, please.

Vod-- no alcohol.

I thought vodka
was a flavor of soda.

No, no.
Tiffany, no.

Mm-mmm!

Your sobriety
is getting me wasted.

- I have got to find--
- Finley Farrow?

Bobbie,
what are you doing here?

Oh, I've been staking out
this party for two hours.

My plan is underway,
and soon,

Finley will be under Wray.

Under-- no, look.
I just need to talk to her.

Oh, well, as soon as
I take out my target over there,

- you can talk her silly.
- Oh, crap!

Oh, he's hot.

Ease up, Tiffany.
That one's mine.

He won't know what hit him.

- Okay.
- Tequila?

Tiffany, no.

Thank you.

How do I look?

- That's good? Okay.
- Show your tits.

- Hmm?
- ( gasps )

- Tiffany!
- What is that?

Chest hair.

- It grows there?
- Yeah.

You need to put it away.
I don't like it.

You know, I would
if I still had buttons.

Tiffany, no!

Girth: Right, yeah,
and a sheila--

- Finley.
- Wray.

I have been looking
for you all weekend.

Well, here I am,
in the flesh.

- What?
- It's gross, I don't-- nothing.

Uh, anyway,
do you know Girth?

Oh, yeah, yeah, we're mates.

Go from way back, eh?
( chuckles )

How are ya?

I have yet to meet
the lovely Tiffany Gisella.

- Can we be mates?
- We'll have a cr*ck at it.

Tiffany, it is so nice to meet
you.

I-- I read your article
in "People" magazine.

Congratulations
on your sobriety.

Thank you.
Every second hurts.

Here we go.
Let's party.

Uh, I actually can't drink
in front of someone who's in
recovery.

It's not appropriate.

Nor I.

Either.

You know what?
I do this to help, because I,
um...

I expose her to real situations,
under close supervision.

Yeah, where is she, mate?

sh*t.
She's probably at

her : AAA meeting.

Triple-A meeting.
She's doing so good.

Bobbie:
Girth Hemsworth!

The Burbong dance has begun!

Whoa, that's just, um--
that's just heaps offensive.

Are you ready to be a man?

( vocalizing )

Now listen here, you--

- Jesus Christ!
- Oh. Oh, no.

Uh, she did it.

Oh, jeez, oh, yeah.
That's quite a wallop.

Whoo, yeah, that's gonna require
a bit of a sticheridoo, I think.

Let me get a bit of dental floss
and a sharp stick, eh?

She'll be right.

- Drama.
- Drama.

I hate drama, drama.


Unless the drama is
hour-long format on network
television.

Tuesday nights at : ,
something.

- I don't know.
- I watched your audition today.

- You did?
- Yeah, it was-- it was--

agonizing.

In a good way.

Most played it like a manly man.

Yeah, not-- not-- not me.

No, you brought a desperation to
it.

It was very real, Wray.
Very.

Well, Blade is written real.
He's three-dimensional.

Doctor... cop... lawyer.

- Right. And he's haunted.
- Yeah.

- He seems lost.
- Like you.

He's-- ( sobs )

I was-- I was kidding, Wray.

So am I.
I'm kidding too.

I've never been lost.
I have a great sense of
direction.

You've got a lot of stuff
going on up in there.

It's noisy.
It can be noisy.

Hi, Wray!

- Hi.
- God damn it.

- You're Brenda.
- Yes.

I'm Finley.
I loved you in "Spectrum,"
truly.

Oh, thank you.

I hope I'm not
speaking out of turn,

but Wray here is a dedicated,
thoughtful performer,

and I hope you get a chance
to find that out yourself.

Thank you.
Thank you so much, Brenda.

You're welcome.
Also, can I borrow $ , ?

- You work.
- Excuse me?

thou-- , .

I'm in a ton of weight loss
debt.

Pounders, you know Pounders?

They've sent
these black turtles after me.

- Let's get you some water.
- They're everywhere.

You'll see them when they come.
They all wear black,

'cause it's slimming.
Aah! Black turtle!

See?
I'm gonna lose the weight!

I'm gonna hit my goal weight!

- Back off.
- Here, here, here, here.

I can get--
I just don't want to touch...

- No, it's fine.
- ...your bits.

I'm so sorry about that.

That's why "Spectrum"
should never have reunions.

That's my old cast.
I want a new cast.

I mean, with you-- this is nice.
I like talking to you.

I really appreciate having this
sh*t.

- ( loud bang )
- ( people screaming )

Was that a g*nsh*t?

Yeah.
Yeah, it was.

- Go.
- Back, stay back!

We gotta get you to safety,
Miss Farrow.

- God damn it, Stutter.
- People sure are jumpy, huh?

- Damn it, Stutter!
- I wanted to show you

this non-lethal sn*per r*fle.

Bean bag round.
Accurate up to yards,

if conditions are right.

Conditions will never be right.

Could you please take off
that face mask?

You're freaking me the hell out.

( groans )

Could you please put back on
the face mask?

You're freaking me the hell out.

You're wrong about that, Wray,

although you were right
about the need for a safety.

I was nowhere near the trigger.

( music playing )

( sighs )

( music continues )
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