05x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

Mrs Harper's got a new washer.

It gleams.
Looks space age, hi-tech.

We don't need a new washer.

Who said anything about us
needing a new washer?

Just cos I have to wind
a handle to work ours.

Well, it's good exercise, in't it?

You see what a good parent I am?

I'm looking after your health.

We'll never have petal white undies.

Yeah, for all the action they get,
they're close enough.

Up, here comes a black cloud.

- Granville.
- No, will you let...?

Granville...
Granville...

I had a funny phone call last night,
somebody breathing at the other end,

and immediately I thought of you.

No, it wasn't me,
I don't breathe at the other end.

I thought, "Has he finally finished
fighting the attraction between us?"

Now, this person that called,
did he reverse the charges?

- No.
- Well, it wasn't me, then.

I'm not so sure.

Has, um...
Has Mr Newbold been in?

You could try at the library.

I think I'll try the library.

I think she's losing her grip on Mr Newbold.

No, don't say that.

He's the only thing
that keeps her away from me.

Yeah, well, you will keep making
those funny phone calls?

Hey.

Corrections & Sync: minouhse
http://www.addic ed.com

Well, at least it's not raining.

It's cold, it's miserable, it's early...

but at least it's not raining.

Early?

You don't know what early is.

In my day, we had earlies
so early that you were late

even if you were on time.

Little bird tells me we're coming
to the end of that till.

I've seen some of your little birds.

They're not a good guide for basic
grocering, are they??

I'm having this vision of a replacement.

Something that's shiny, streamlined,
that works.

Will you keep your voice down?

What do you want to say
a thing like that for?

You know he's listening.

Watch my lips.

We need a new till.

I told you he were listening.

It's all right, he didn't mean it.

Here.

Ha.

You'll be ruining people's eyes
with that lot.

Hey, they pick their own,
so how come it's my fault?

Good day to you, Granville.

And a good day to you, Mr Newbold.

These look... cheap.

They're from one of the premier
optical houses in Calamistan.

Calamistan?

Isn't that a dirt-poor
barren stretch of rock and sand?

Or am I thinking of a life
with Mrs Featherstone?

No, no.
It's a dictatorship.

And people have been made
to change their prescription

in order to make their leader look better.

So, as a consequence, I am able to offer

all their old ones at a bargain price.

How do these look?

Yes, very scholarly.

You'll be irresistible
to Mrs Featherstone in those.

Ye gods, they won't do.

What about these?

Yeah, but why are you asking me?

You should be asking Mrs Featherstone.

The days of my heeding
Mrs Featherstone's opinion are over.

Finito, Granville.

Now, I am looking for something...
slightly devilish.

A bit of a swashbuckler, man about town.

Have you buckled many swashes
in your time, Mr Newbold?

I mean to say...

is that really you?

It is now.
I'm off the hook, Granville.

I'm soon to be Featherstone-free.

Mr Newbold, look,
think about what you're giving up.

People look up to you
because you've been where

very few people have ever dared to go.

No, I haven't.
Thank goodness.

She's saving herself for Mr Right.

I sometimes think she has an eye on you?

No, please.

Don't blow your chances,
cos you're almost there.

You're up there with Antony and Cleopatra,

with Romeo and Juliet.

I could see it, it's...
it's Newbold and Featherstone.

Yes, yes, watch.
This is me blowing my chances.

And it's all down to this book.

Inspiring, Granville.
A genuine game-changer.

Yes, but just think of all the games
that you'll be missing

in the future with Mrs Featherstone.

I do, Granville, I used to lay awake
at night thinking about them.

Brought me out in spots.

That's how you know that she is the one.

Strange, really.

I used to be afraid of the woman.

Not any more.

My new Bible, Granville.

Take Control Of You.

Does Mrs Featherstone know about this?

She will..

She will.

He wants to go camping.

For our holiday, he wants to go camping.

Well, don't let him start wearing shorts.

If I see one more pair of male legs
in shorts,

I shall demand a tax refund.

I think it's best not to look.

Like when you pass an accident.

Tax refund?

Shorts are not the Government's fault.

It's not often you can say that.

Then whose fault is it?
You see all these male legs on show...

You can't believe that their owners
have volunteered.

I think they're getting paid.

Well, who's going to pay for
men showing their legs?

The Government.

It's a sneaky form of birth control.

A woman takes one look
at the average male in shorts

and she never wants any more children.

He just wants to go camping.
He didn't say anything about shorts.

If you go camping,
he'll be wearing shorts. They do.

There's something about tents that
lures them out of their trousers.

There's some camping going off,
then, in Cooper Street.

And this is him who needs a soft mattress.

Beware of soft mattresses.

Men can spring at you
from the dips and hollows.

Eric doesn't do springing.

He comes up silently, like fog.

How do these look?

They look like glasses.

What do you want from me, admiration?

Is it too much to ask
for a little reassurance?

Do they suit me?

At £ . , I think
they're pretty suitable.

Even if we do have to keep changing 'em.

Hey, what is this I hear about you
going camping?

What of it?

You make it sound like I'm asking Kath
to walk down the high street half naked.

They've got the road up.

- Is that significant?
- It is, if she's walking down the high street.

There's a diversion.

Will you stop handling those glasses?

You're going to smear the lenses.

They're blurred anyway.

Look, just slide them down
to the end of your nose.

All right?

Now you look over the top for distance,

and down through the lens for close work.

Hey, that's better.

It's working for me.

There you are, bifocals.

Where would you get that for £ . ?

What have you been buying?

Things which will be good for this business.

Your modern, streamlined till.

- You can take that back.
- Wha...?

No, give her a chance, get used to it.

Keep all your fingers.

What about him?

Come on, get real.

Listen.

Large display.

Silent printing.

SD card for data back-up.

Look at it, man, it's beautiful.

He don't like it.

And how do you know that?

Wives aren't built for camping.

It's an evolutionary fact.

They've been developed for central heating.

They no longer need
a source of male heat in bed.

I blame the duvet.

The duvet has done terrible damage
to the need for a cuddle.

Cuddle?

I've just narrowly escaped
the embrace of a python.

I wish my mother-in-law would go
camping, instead of camping with us.

I'm not taking your mother-in-law.

I've already got my own bolshie female.

Strong women.

We seem to have a surfeit of strong women.

I think it's the Pontefract cakes.

You have to be pretty sturdy
to face a Pontefract cake.

Look, I know the world's not
listening, but here's me question.

What exactly is wrong with camping?

Uncomfortable, inconvenient, cold, damp...

Not with modern tents.
It's pure luxury.

The great outdoors, underneath the stars...

zero distractions.

Just the two of you.

Now I'm beginning to get
your thinking, yeah.

Do we gather that your wife
is not over enthused

with this camping scheme?

They seem to have zero interest in
recapturing the playfulness of youth.

Have you considered making the
decision for them?

Asserting yourselves.

Taking control.

- So, let him live in the new till.
- What? Plastic? No.

This is genuine Sheffield steel.

There's a glow in real steel.

I mean, you can feel it.

I daren't feel it.
It's liable to bite your hand off.

I can't be doing with these glasses.

You said I could bring 'em back.

No, no, keep your glasses on.
Madge likes you in glasses.

She never said.

No, they don't, do they?

It's the way they look at you.

Up, quick, put 'em back.

What have you got that's frozen?

Who's been spreading a rumour like that?

We need something quick for a lunch
that's edible and not overpriced.

He's edible and not overpriced.

What have you got for lunch?

Well, have a look in the freezer.

Why don't you go over to Madge,
smile and show her your glasses?

Hello, Madge.

Excuse me.
No...

Madge.

You're looking well, Madge.

What are you blinking at?

What's wrong with your eyes?

- I...
- Tell her you're overcome by her charms.

Right.

I'm...
I'm overdone, Madge...

by your charts.

What charts?

You'll have to ask him.

My fingers are freezing.

Look in there and see if you can
find some salmon en croute.

Yes, all right.

I'm not eating that.

Well, you've had it before.

Well, nobody told me,
and I didn't like it then.

My brown shoes have been moved again.

They're not where I like to keep them.

My toast was slightly underdone
this morning.

There's been some slippage in the
quality of your gravy of late -

and we are going camping.

- Just sit yourself down.
- Right.

Now, you know this place is haunted,
don't you?

I know there's this ruthless figure
that's always after your money.

Yes.

That's him.

The one I'm thinking about's
nearer than that.

The trouble is, our Leroy doesn't
believe that he's still around.

So you are going to help me
make him a believer.

All you've got to do is to hide
and pretend to be the ghost.

Why am I hiding?

Well, because 's necessary
that Leroy doesn't see you.

- All we need is your voice.
- I'm afraid that comes with the rest.

Why am I hiding from Leroy?

Don't worry about it.
Don't worry.

Let's just have a little rehearsal.

All I want you to say is...

"Take it away."

I can do that.
I like takeaways.

Let's hear it.

Take it away.

No, no.
Put some feeling in it.

We want it strange, eerie, otherworldly.

Take it away.

That's not eerie, is it?
Not otherworldly.

That's hardly next door.

Wait a minute.
I've got an idea.

Come up here.

Right.

Put your head in their and say,
in a long, drawn-out way,

"Take it away."

Take it away.

Yes.
Now we're getting somewhere.

Right.
Here we go.

A nice bit of polish,
soon bring the colour up.

Yep, we will have you looking your best.

Good day to you, Mr Lucas.

How's yourself and all the family?

We're not speaking.

What, again?
Is that all the family, or just Mrs Lucas?

She's the worst.
She sides with them.

I might as well live on my own.

Have you got any Carter's Little Liver
Pills left? I've just finished mine.

How long have you had those?

They went out of production in the s.

I know, but old Arkwright sold me
a whole batch of them

he managed to find
in a warehouse in Upper Poppleton.

That batch.

Dear, I don't know how much longer

I can live with Mrs Lucas without the pills.

Don't worry.

Help is at hand.

We'll soon put you on the right road.

Here we are.
There.

Doctor Proctor's Little Lover Pills.

- You mean, Liver Pills?
- No, Lover Pills.

Little LOVER Pills.

Trust me, tests have shown that
they're good for

a happy liver as well.

No label.

I know, that is to save any embarrassment.

It's the pharmaceutical equivalent of a...

a plain brown envelope.

Are they any good?

They'll be the best £
that you've ever spent.

Let me put it this way.

I shall be very surprised if you and
Mrs Lucas are not...

speaking by tonight.

Thank you very much, sir.
Do call again.

Now, come in.
Sit down.

And tell me how you've been
getting on after reading the book.

Changed my life.

I knew it.

It's changing mine.

Pass.

What, nothing to report?

I'll tell you what I've got to report...

- I read the book.
- Good.

- I absorbed the message.
- Me too.

I was on message.

Excellent. And you felt the power
of regaining your manhood?

I felt the power sh**ting up me spine.

Mine did that. I could feel my macho
going ape.

Yes, well, we might have to bring
it down eventually.

Not be too brutish.

No.

I found myself shouting, "Yes."

I wanted to salute something.
Me.

I were like a raging bull.

And then you went home and faced her and...

The bull turned out to be a chicken.

Cyril...

I thought you'd be using it by now.

You're determined not to use it, aren't you?

No, it's not that.

I was, but the message came down.

"Take it away."

You're just being stubborn.

It's true, I were going to use it,
I went towards it like that,

and a voice said, "Take it away."

I went, "Yeah."

- I hadn't heard any voices.
- Well, I'm just telling you.

Take it away.

You did that.

I don't yet know how, but you did that.

- Did what?
- Come on.

You heard the voice.

No, I didn't hear any voice.

- Well, I did.
- You did?

He's talking directly to you now.

Take it away.

Go on, go and answer the shop.

You....

- How did I do?
- You were great.

I thought we'd got Brian Blessed
under there.

That's one to cross off me bucket list.

Tell him, Eric, how it worked for you.

Wha... Well, I went home, opened
the door, showed Kath me stony face

and gave her a load of lip and now...

I'm wondering how long
it is before I dare go back home.

- I'm here, Wilburn.
- Have you missed me?

Moment of truth for you, then.

Our advice would be...

don't fight it.

There's no shame in surrendering bravely.

There comes a time when one
has to make a stand.

I only ask one favour.

Pull me back if I get too hard on her.

Sit down.
Relax.

Back shortly.

She's not staying.

She's in for a surprise.

She's leaving.

Sit down, please.
There are things I have to say to you.

In the kitchen?
Why have I been downgraded to the kitchen?

It's as good a place as anywhere
to make my intentions clear.

Wilburn...

You romantic old dog.

Would it not be more suitable in the lounge?

- Mrs Featherstone...
- "Mrs Featherstone"?

What am I, your weekly cleaner?

- If you'd let me...
- Yes, of course I'll let you,

once we've got all the legal bits in place.

- Delphine....
- That's better, but you don't have to shout.

I'm not deaf.

Delphine, I will be heard.

Newbold.

- Newbold, this is... This is a revelation.
- Is it?

Yes, I've always thought of you
as so timid, but now I see...

We're the perfect match.

Perfect match? No.
No, no, no, no...

I'm a p*ssy.

Nonsense.
You've just shown me your steel.

I don't want to see it too often, mind.
Don't overdo it.

- Right, now, where are you taking me?
- Where am I taking you?

Yes, to celebrate this new-found
closeness in our relationship.

You've got company.

- They were just leaving.
- I thought she was the one...

Don't leave on my account,
but if you must...

"Take Control Of You".

I think I might give that a try.

Quiet.

You're supposed to be a spirit,
not clomping around

in great big hobnail boots.

- It smells musty in here.
- Keep your voice down.

I thought you wanted a big voice.

Yes, I do, but only when he comes
out of the bath

into his bedroom, which is right under here.

Well, you sit there.

I'll stick over here.

This place feels like it could be haunted.

He'll think so in a minute,
when we give him a scare.

You're going to be terrifying.

I want you to sound really scary.

If you want scary, this is the place.

Don't we need the torch?

What do we need the torch for?

- You know where your bucket is.
- It's down there...

Did you hear that?

Something went...

Yes, that was me.

It didn't sound like you.

There was a woman found dead in an attic.

Will you shut up?
I'm trying to....

Will you shut up.

You're not supposed to be scaring me,

you're supposed to be scaring him.

What was that?

It's probably just the pipes.

Don't give me pipes.
I heard it.

Old houses creak, don't they?

That wasn't a creak.

There you go.
Three times.

They always do that.

- Who always does that?
- Spirits.

They always knock three times.

Me Auntie Mary, she were a medium,
she'd know that knock.

Look, I'm not saying there is,

but if, if there were somebody there...

what would your Auntie Mary do?

She'd ask it a question.

All right, just to prove there isn't
anybody there, all right?

If there is anybody there,

please knock three times for "yes".

It was Arkwright.

It had to be.

He doesn't like that new till.
I knew he wouldn't.

That till's going back.

I can't have him roaming the attic.

Gastric left in a hurry.

- Hello, Mavis.
- Hello, Granville.

I gave salmon en croute the elbow.

Do you fancy fish and chips?

You do know how to tempt a person.

That's something new.

I never did before.

Come inside. I've just got to make a
note that Gastric owes me for a bucket.