04x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

(BUCKET SQUEAKS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
MAN: Got no clothes on.

(cr*ck!)

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(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Hey! You mob!

Tell me what's goin' on.
I can't see!

I can't see!
Tell me what's goin' on, eh?

(LAUGHTER)

The Doris Neck Brace .
Call and order yours now!

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(SIREN HOWLS)
Hey, come on, you mob.

I want somebody over here,
somebody over there.

Come on! Move your holes,
move your holes!

Well, look what we have here.
Eh! Look out, Detective Riley.

What are you doing here, sis?
Officer Nathan.

Uh-uh.
That's Squad Leader Nathan Marlow.

Head of Tactical Coconut Unit
to you.

Hey, look out, Mr Big Promotion.

Proper flash now.
Mm-hm.

Who contacted Blakforce?

Well, you wouldn't believe it.

It was the perps.
No. That makes sense.

Calling law enforcement
is a very coconut move.

We've got a direct line
to the hostages.

Has any contact been made?

They didn't want to talk
until SCU arrived.

(PHONE RINGS)

Almost like they saw you coming.

This is Detective Riley.
Who am I speaking to?

Riley!

My name is Craig Marlow.

We're armed and we have...
five hostages.

What is it you want?

I want a lot of things,
Detective Riley.

I want a private island,
million cash and...

..Miranda Kerr to be my wife.

(LAUGHS) Be serious now, Craig.

Is there something
I can help you with

to ensure those hostages
make it home tonight safe?

Yes, Riley.

I want to see the eradication
of 'blackfellas' as a people.

You want to k*ll them?

No.

I want to evolve them into...

..coconuts.

I want Mundine standing
for the national anthem.

I want Dan Sultan collaborating
with The Veronicas.

I want Deborah Mailman
doing a series arc on Home and Away.

But first things first.

I want Squad Leader Nathan Marlow
to resign.

He has one hour.

If not...

..I'll be turning our hostages...

..into coconuts.

(PEOPLE GASP)
(LAUGHS)

He wants every blackfella
to become...

..a...

..coconut.

What's his name?
Craig Marlow.

Jesus Christ.

That's my cousin.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

VOICEOVER: April .

A couple of friends
were having a few colds

after knocking off from work

when all of a sudden,
Reggie Rorker entered proudly,

wearing a pair of loud shiny boots,
leaving her friends speechless.

When no-one else could muster a word
to describe the situation,

Leah Roth jumped up and declared,

"Look at the gammon boots
on this gammon dog!"

With that, everyone else got to
their feet and cheered on Leah,

creating the word 'gammon',
thus making another

great moment in black history.

Hey, Aunty. How are you?

Good, my nephew. How ya hole goin'?

Yeah, good.

Hey, I just came round
to set up those lollies

I bought for them kids
for Halloween tonight.

They got et, the lot of 'em.

Hey? But it's not even
Halloween yet.

And them kids
haven't even been around yet.

I was celebrating Halloweed.

Ah! You mean HalloWEEN.

I mean HalloWEED.

You see, I got a little bit high.

Then I get a little bit munchies.

And them lollies
got a little bit et.

Oh, Marley Boy!

Aunty's throat and stomach is sore,

from eating all them lollies!

So you want me to make you
a cup of tea, eh?

No, I want ya to go get me packet
of smoke and some Tally Ho paper

from the shops
when you're buying more lollies.

Oh... Aunty, I'm slack to go
to the shops. I just got here.

Oh, you poor thing!
It's such a tragedy!

Try getting old, frig ya!

And hurry up too.
Bold and Beautiful starting soon.

Alright, then, well,
I'll be back in minutes, alright?

Ooh, then. And when you get back,
you can make me cup of tea.

Oh, and if ya come across
any yarndi,

hit me in the guts with that too.

Five, six, seven.

Excuse me.

What's up, kid?
I'm looking for my father.

Well, it's not me. It might be him.

Nah, it's not me.
Nah, it's not him.

You don't know. It might be.
But it's definitely not me.

I don't even know your mother.
Oi!

That's him.
(LAUGHS)

You're lookin' for your dad.
You right, son?

I don't want to be
a lifeguard no more, Dad.

They're weird.

Swim between the flags.

One...

(INDISTINCT VOICE ON POLICE RADIO)

There's something else
you should know, Nathan.

What?
He wants you to resign.

I should have known.

He's always been
a sick little coconut.

I'm gonna send in my squad,
extract all the hostages,

by any means necessary!

Jesus Christ! Relax, Nathan.

If you go in there this hot-headed,

you're putting the hostages
in jeopardy.

What?

You want to see them
walking out of there wearing scarves,

sipping chai lattes,
whistling Waltzing Matilda?

Two hours, Riley,
you got to sort this out. Two hours!

That's all I'm asking for.

(PHONE RINGS)

Riley.

It's Detective Ron Killings.

Who are you talking to?
Detective Ron Killings.

Oh, great.
What the hell do you want, Killings?

I'm inside, Riley.

What?!
I'm inside.

I was here, having a big goona.
Then I heard the coconuts come in.

They was screaming, carrying on.

And then I said, "Hey. Look out!"
(LAUGHS)

I got a plan.

I'm gonna go in, into this vent,

and I'm gonna go up in behind.

Then next minute,
Bruce Leroy comes out!

(ROARS) Hwah, hwah, hwah!

(ROARS AND YELLS BATTLE CRIES)

Hwah! Yah!

Wah-wah-wah-wah! Hyah!

And then I'm gonna
free the hostages.

And then I'm gonna go home
and have a slap. Sound good to you?

Ron, this is a fragile situation.
You WILL stand down.

Oh, nah.

Nah, nah, nah, Riley, nah.

See, I'm a bad boy.

And bad boys, they don't play
by anyone's rules but their own.

And, goddamnit...

..I get results.

f*ck.

Hey.

Youse mob got a screwdriver
back there? Or Swiss Army Kn*fe?

Two hours.

Holy sh*t.

Uncle John,
is this what I think it is?

Yes. It is.

But this has been carbon-dated.

This is at least, like,
million years old.

This is our Dreaming.
Unc, this is huge! (LAUGHS)

Um...

..isn't it a bit...

..inappropriate?

JOHN: What do you mean?

WOMAN : Well, Unc, it's a bit...

..you know...

..a bit thing.

What do you mean?

Unc...

..it's a penis.

I don't see that.

I see...

..an emu.

Unc, we have news crew coming
in minutes.

We're going live.
It's obviously a d*ck and balls.

Far out!

It's a bit phallic, isn't it?

We can't have this. This is shame.

What are we gonna do?
This is nearly million years old.

As you can see here,
this is undisputable proof

that our people have been
living here since time immemorial,

that humanity and our Dreaming
have got it right all along.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(SIGHS)

Uncle?

What, nephew?

You know how when water touches you,
it makes you wet?

But when you're in water,
you don't feel wet.

You only feel wet when you get out.

So, do you think
water is actually wet?

Or does it just make things wet?

I think we'll never know, nephew.

I think we'll never know.

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

We've given Blakforce enough time
to meet our demands, haven't we?

I told them
if our demands weren't met,

then they would face
the consequences!

So I guess this must be...

..consequence o'clock. (LAUGHS)

Oh, but... which one?

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

Catch a coconut by the toe.

If they cr*ck, let them go.

Eeny, meeny, miny...

..moe.

No!

No! No.

I want you to drink this
whole bottle of... (SNAPS FINGERS)

..organic pomegranate ginger...

..kombucha!

Please! You can't do this!

Drink it! All of it!

Slurp up that scoby!

(PEOPLE GASP)
(GULPS)

(SCREAMS)
(THUD!)

MAN: No! (GASPS)

Married?

Just engaged.

I have something very special
for you both.

I want you to...

(SNAPS FINGERS)

..sort out your wedding invitations
without arguing.

You must agree on every single guest

and talk through each other's
problems with each other's families

with a smile on your faces.

BOTH: No!

We're running out of time, Riley.
We've got to do something.

Well, maybe Ron
can pull off a miracle.

OK, you.

Come on!

Come on, you bastard.
You can't b*at Ron.

You can't b*at me! (LAUGHS)

(YELLS)

You give in, you! Don't lecture me!

(PHONE CHIMES)
That's my ride.

(LIGHTER CLICKS)

(SIGHS)

So, I'm guessing we're it.

Yeah, I... I guess so.

Cool. Cool. Cool.

Um...

(GROANS)

Do you want to go upstairs? (GROANS)

Are there any bars open?

No. Lockout laws.

Are your sheets clean?

Yeah, I changed 'em yesterday.

Hang on.

You're black.

Yeah. You?

Yeah.
Oh!

We... we might be cousins.

And if we're cousins,
we can't do this.

Oh, yeah, gross.
We just go our separate ways.

Separate ways. I'm just gonna start
listing out some names.

And if any of them sound familiar,
you just... tell me, alright?

Uh, Nanna Johnson.
Mm-mm.

Aunty Mary.
No.

Uh, Janey?
No.

Uncle Marty.
No. Uh, Son Son.

Come on.
Everyone's related to Son Son.

I... I don't know Son Son.

Don't know Son Son.

Alright. No butt stuff, man.

Yeah. Whatever.

(GROANS AND SIGHS)

You gonna come?

Probably not.

(SIGHS)

Well, get me a water.

Oh, and brush your teeth.

(PHONE CHIMES)

(SIGHS) Aunty Jess's birthday.

Aunty Jess?

Yeah. Aunty Jess!

Cuz!

Cuz! (LAUGHS)

We don't have to do this!
(BOTH LAUGH)

Get me an Uber!
Get your own Uber. I'm going to bed.

Bye! (LAUGHS)

And get out of my house!

(MATERIAL CREAKS)

(PUFFS)

Yeah.

Oh!

(CICADAS CHIRP)

(SIGHS)

I've been wandering
around this bush for years now.

Just walkin' around.

Walkin' and a-wanderin'
and wanderin' and a-walkin'.

Bloody car keys
have gotta be out here somewhere.

(FUNKY MUSIC)

Today, my people, today,
I will anoint the spirits

and heal any sickness, illness
or disease that you may have!

Whatever it is, these healing hands
will set you free.

CONGREGATION: Mmm!
Brother Pat, who is that?

And what's they got wrong with 'em?
Ceddy Boy!

Come forward, young whippersnapper.
Come up here, my brother!

Now, this here is Ceddy Boy.
Ceddy Boy!

Ceddy Boy! And he's unco.
Eh?

Proper!

Ever since he was born,
he hasn't been able to move in b*at,

dance in b*at -
couldn't even walk up here properly

with two legs on him.

Oh, heal his legs. Heal his rhythm.

Shamooz! Shamooz.

Leave him there, leave him there,
leave him there.

Dance, you little bitch!
Dance, you bitch!

Ooh-hoo! (LAUGHS)

Sister Kat, who is that,
and what's they got wrong with 'em?

This here, Dadda, this is Ruby.
Ruby.

She got cancer of the throat.
Oh, no!

And she can't talk.
Of the throat!

Oh! Oh!

(MUTTERS) Oh!

Shamooz!
(CONGREGATION GASPS)

Your big long neck is healed.
Your big long neck.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, Pat, who we got next over there?

Fred.

Come forward, my brother.

He can't play the didgeridoo.
(CONGREGATION GASPS)

At all!
Not even a little bit?

No!
Not even a little bit?!

Not even little bit!
Oh, Lord!

Ah! Ah!

Heal him.
Ah! Oh! Shamooz!

(CONGREGATION GASPS)
Your big dugong lips is healed.

Brother Pat, who we got next?

Oh! This overgrown man...
this here is Owen.

You know why they call him Owen?
Why?

'Cause he's always
owin' somebody money.

Like that rent
he hasn't paid for three months.

Three months?
Three months, Lord.

Three months.
Three months, Dadda.

Oh!
They're gonna kick him out, Dadda!

You got to help him!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, brother! You screwed.

You either going to jail or to hell.

'Cause these healing hands here,
they don't heal that sh*t.

Now leave him there. Don't nobody
touch him. Don't touch him.

Don't touch him.
Ah, ah, ah! Eh, ah! Ah!

(BUCKET SQUEAKS)

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(INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)

How's that, sis?

Too deadly!

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Call and order yours now!

(PHONE RINGS)

Come on, come on, come on.

Damn it, Craig, pick up!

Christ!

Talking has gotten us nowhere,
Riley.

Those coconuts think
they can walk all over us

and think we're not gonna
do anything about it.

You go in there, start flogging
coconuts, then what happens?

They become martyrs
for every other coconut out there.

You've lost control of the
situation, Riley. I'm taking over.

These coconuts
are just as bad as whitefellas,

walking around thinking
that they're all superior.

But they're not white.
They're still blackfellas.

They're still blackfellas.

Get me dispatch!

What are you doing, Riley?
I'm bringing in the A-team.

Riley! Come and give
your Aunty Jane a hug.

Oh, you gotten big
since I last seen you.

Look here, you mob.
You look how big Riley's got.

Thanks for coming, Aunties.
Thank you so much for coming.

We've got a real situation
on our hands here today.

We've got three gunmen
and five hostages.

Leave it to us, bub.

Alright, ladies,
let's get into position.

AUNTY JANE:
Oh, look, come on, now, bub.

What the hell is that?

You're surrounded by the Aunty squad.

Aunty don't have all day!

Hey, look, I've got a sore foot!

All I want to do is knock off and go
to the pub and have a bit of a slap.

Yeah, that's right.

It's...

..the Aunty squad.

Come on, bruz.

No blackfella can resist the Aunty,

no matter how much of a coconut
they are.

I'm not black, so shut your hole!

(GASPS)

I'm giving you fellas
till the count of five!

Five...

..four...

Come on, Craig. What's the plan?!

(PANTS)
Craig!

..three...

Sorry, bruz. It's over.

What are you doing? No!

..two...

No! No!

..one!

I'm sorry, Aunty.
I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it.
Sorry.

(AUNTIES YELL)

No, no, I'm black! Hey!
My uncle's on land council!

I'm going to Knockout!
I'm going to the Knockout!

Oh, ya, ya!

Thank you, Aunties. You really
saved our arses here today.

No worries, bub.

Alright, ladies.
Back in the truck, eh?

Damper at my joint.
We off to the pub to get charged.

Alright. See youse, Aunties.
See ya, bub.

Good work.

Good work, Riley.

You know, you kept your head
on straight when I was losing mine.

You're all good, bruz.

Catch you mob around.

Hey, which way?
You're not coming for a charge?

Coconuts don't take a break.

And neither do I.

Riley. I'm gonna need some help
with this vent.

Ugh!

Riley.

Do you copy?

(SIGHS)

You stinkin' fricks!

I'll do it myself.

(INAUDIBLE)

(VENT RATTLES)
(THUD!)