04x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

VOICEOVER: Do you have a black woman?

Are her parents visiting
for the weekend?

Do you want to impress them and make
your home more welcoming to the mob?

Then come on down to Black-Shop!

Need new curtains? We got 'em!

And they also double as bedsheets.
Go sleep, fella!

Stripy bags.

Is it for storage or luggage?
You choose!

Need enamel cups for all those cups
of tea you're going to have to make?

We got proper big ones. And
they all come pre-chipped. Cheers!

But wait. There's still more!

We got water bottles for your fridge,

plastic bag, filled
with more plastic bags for rubbish.

How you going
to keep the mob entertained?

Come see us for decks of cards
and pre-scratched CDs.

Come on down to Black-Shop,

for all your
one-stop black shop needs!

Tell em' Big Nev sent ya. (LAUGHS)

So, tell me again
why the Andersons aren't coming.

Oh. They're getting over
a case of... (SIGHS) ..you know.

Oh!

But they're sending some friends.
A new couple.

And this new couple,
are they... groovy?

The Andersons said they were
very groovy.

Are they down?

The Andersons said
they were very down.

All the way down?
All the way, way down.

Call me Gough Whitlam,
because I reckon... it's time!

(ALL LAUGH)

Devilled eggs, anyone?

I made them myself. Laid them myself.

(ALL LAUGH)

(DOORBELL RINGS)
Oh! That must be them.

Rodge, champers in the fridge.

Go get it.
Mmm.

Hi!
MAN AND WOMAN: Hi.

Hi. Sorry. Who are you?

I'm Alice. And this is...
Melvyn.

We're friends of the Andersons.

We're really good friends
of the Andersons.

Oh. (LAUGHS)

OK, well, come on in.

I suppose.

(LAUGHS)

Oh. Nice pad.

Oh, hello.

How you doing? Hello.
Hi.

Are we ready to...

..part-ay?

They're the couple?
They're the couple?

Mmm.
We're the couple.

(GULPS)

The Andersons did tell you
we were coming, right?

Oh, yes. The Andersons told us.

Yeah, it's just...

We don't usually do...
Chocolate.

If you know what we mean.

Oh!

I get it.

Don't worry.

We don't do chocolate either.

(CHUCKLES)
Melvyn's a diabetic.

I've got to lay low on the sugar.
Mmm.

But don't worry,
I've still got a lot of sugar

to share around, ladies.

And gents.
Oi!

No, no! There'll be none of that!
Chill, brother, chill!

I get it.

It's a bit more straight than cake
around these parts.

I'm still down.

We just love to play. Right, Melvyn?

MELVYN: Yeah, right. I mean,
we're not all square, are we?

We're all down
with the lifestyle, yeah?

Mmm!

(GIGGLES)

I'll go and get the bowl, I suppose.

Kimmy.

Devilled egg, anybody?

Thank you.

Oh!

Yummy.

Oh! (LAUGHS)

Hey, Aunty, how's it going?

Nephew! Aunty not too happy, eh?

Eh? What's... what's wrong?

What, did you get bad news
from the doctors or something?

Yes. It's got something to do
with the doctors.

You know how I take that health bus

to see the doctors
at the health clinic?

Well, last week
when I didn't go on that bus,

lo and behold,
that big-arse Aunty Berris

and her leprechaun mate, Aunty Gale,

have been talking rubbish behind
my back to them other old people.

Make me proper wild.

True, eh?
Well, that's terrible, Aunty.

It's a tragedy!
But do you know what, nephew?

I'm not gonna let it get me down.

I know I'm better
than them two gossips.

But one thing,

I'll never ride on that health bus
with those two ever again.

Oh, well, that's real good, Aunty.
I'm real proud of you, eh?

Keep your chin up.

Now, did you want me to drive you
to the health clinic next week?

Hey? No!

I'm taking that health bus.

But I don't understand, Aunty.

I want you to take
Aunty Berris and Aunty Gale instead.

I already told them that the bus
wasn't running next week,

but my real good nephew
gonna come and pick 'em up.

And while they're with you, bam!

I'll run them two little
Heckles and Jeckles into the ground.

And they'll be too shame
to ever ride that health bus again.

(CACKLES)

But, Aunty, I thought you said you
was better than those two gossips.

I am better. I'm better gossip
then they'll ever be.

You just remember,
pick 'em up by nine o'clock.

I don't want them to suspect
anything is up.

Now, hit your aunty in the guts
with a cup of tea.

Your aunty not a camel, you know.

Alright, then, Aunty.

Alright, you bitchetty grubs.
Today, we doing weapons training.

Matty!

When the zombies come,
are you prepared to be like John Wick

if he got punched in the d*ck?

Sir, yes, sir!
That's good.

Zac, when the sh*t hits the fan, are
you prepared to be like Bear Grylls,

eat spiders and bugs
and drink your own piss?

Uh...
Huh? What?

Sir, yes, sir!
That's what I want to hear.

And you, Ando, huh?

Happy Fists.

Oh, yeah, you can punch, but have you
got the balls to sh**t somebody?

Have you got the balls to splatter
their brains all over the walls?

Sir, yes, sir!
Bullshit! Prove it, then.

Take this g*n
and go and sh**t my mother

like she was a rabies-ridden zombie.

Hey?
Yeah, see?

Told ya. Full of sh*t, this fella.
Frightened, see?

Frightened, just like I thought.
Only sucker puncher.

Alright, then, sir.

Where is she? (COCKS g*n)

In the kitchen, cooking dinner.

Hey.

Remember your training.

Yes, sir.

Good luck.

(f*ring AND SCREAMING)
Oh, sh*t!

Oh, sh*t! He's actually done it!

WOMAN: Ooh, I'm gonna
flog the sh*t outta you!

ANDO: Backup! Backup!
Quick, youse mob!

Quick! Let's hide, hide, hide!
Hurry up! Let's go!

Matty Boy, ring your mum,
ask her if I can sleep over.

Come on! Hurry up! Let's go! Go! Go!
ANDO: I need backup!

Damien goes, "Oh,
we'll need it level, though."

We need to talk.
I thought Tash was the chair.

This isn't a meeting.
This is a conversation.

Alright. What's going on?

(SIGHS) I found a white man
in the bathroom this morning.

And I just found it
a little bit interesting

seeing as we all agreed
to go on an embargo.

Only you agreed to that.
Ooh!

Like you can talk.
I'm sorry, what?

You called them 'reparation roots'.

Yeah, but since our embargo,
I've stopped.

There was a white woman
in the kitchen just last night!

She wasn't white. She was Lebanese.
Lebanese isn't white?

Nah.
Turkish?

No, not white either.
Italian?

Depends.
On what?

If they're white.
What?

You could ethnically be
some other kind of non-Italian mob.

So you could be black and Italian.

But if you're a white Italian,
then, nah, you're a white.

But some Italians
are real tanned.

Yeah, that's 'cause
they're spicy whites.

Spicy whites?
Yeah, you know.

Like, non-Anglo, non-Saxon,
non-Celtic, non-Gaelic,

non-Nordic, non-Aryan-type
m*therf*ckers

who are white nonetheless.

Ethnic whites.
Whites with a culture.

Spain?
Spicy.

Morocco?
Nah, not white.

How does that work? They're basically
across the road from each other.

Don't know. Just is.
What about Russians?

Complicated, because they are
a part of Asia,

and they have indigenous people,
but the non-mob there are white,

so white Russians
are the whites of Asia.

Who are the blacks?
Filipinos.

Brazilians?
Colonisers are spicy.

But they have a sl*ve history
and indigenous people

whose land they're stealing
as we speak.

Wow! You think you know the world
and then... total paradigm shift.

He's mine. Monica, Brandy.
The boy is mine.

He's Israeli.

Jury's out.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

VOICEOVER: July , , one year
into the Second Great World w*r.

Matt Winslow and Pete Kingly
were drinking some beers

and having a smoke after work.

But trouble struck.

They had ran out of cigarettes.

Knowing the shops
would be closed due to the w*r,

Matt Winslow had to improvise.

Using a phone book,

Winslow forms a paper, a filter,

and rolls the excess tobacco
from the other smokes,

thus creating the first ever dumper

and making another great moment

in black history.

Keys in.

(KEYS RATTLE)

OK, so, close your eyes, everyone.

OK. Open your eyes, everyone.

(LAUGHTER)

But we... we got ours.
Tough luck, mate.

One of the downsides
of the key system.

Yeah. Let's get this party started.

I'll dim the lights.
Let's do it again.

Huh? Do what again?

The key swap.

Melvyn, take the key off the chain
and let's do it again.

But rules are rules.

Rules? This is all about
breaking the rules.

What kind of swingers are you?

OK. (LAUGHS)

Well, we'll do it again. Barry?

Hm? Yeah, fine. Keys in.

OK. Close your eyes, everyone.
Hands in.

OK, open your eyes
and hold your keys up.

(LAUGHS)

Rodger, you got me. Barry?

I got...
You got me.

I got... you.

Come on, Barry.
Hm...

Bazza. Bazza.

Just think about it.

It's like when you first tried
lemon chicken.

Remember, you were hesitant,
and then now,

you can't get enough of it.

Yeah, OK.
(LAUGHS)

Lemon chicken.
Oh!

Rodger, you've got me.
Barry's got Alice.

And, Melvyn, you've got...

You've got me, stallion.

Rrroww!
(BOTH LAUGH)

OK, right. Barry, lights.

Get your hands off my wife!

(GASPS) Rodger!

I'm sorry.

I just can't...

..I can't stand to see
my Kimmy with a...

With a what?

With another man.

But we're swingers, Rodge.

That's what we do.

What? Is it because I'm black?

Fine.

Yes! Sure. I'll say it.

Because no-one else will!

It's because you're black.

I can't stand to see my Kimmy
with a black man.

There it is. I knew it, Melvyn.

They're a bunch of racists.

Excuse me. I voted 'yes' in ' .

We went on the freedom march.
Sure. You're all groovy and down.

Until you actually have to get down
with an Aboriginal.

We are groovy.
Yeah. And down. We are.

Prove it.

How?

We vote.

OK, then.

OK. I'll get the bowl.

(THINKS) Alright, day one.

Never thought we'd be here,
but we are now.

So there's only one thing to do
to survive.

I'm gonna have to find the biggest,
meanest-looking guy in the yard.

Oh. I guess he's the one.

Here goes nothing.

Here, brother.

Do you know where the bubbler is?

Over there.

(PHONE RINGS)
Next, please.

Hi. Welcome to
Newly Confirmed Aboriginality Office.

How can I help you today?
Uh, just that one.

So, Henry...
(CHUCKLES)

..you've recently discovered
you're Aboriginal

and you have received
your confirmation.

Your
great-great-great-great-grandmother

was partially black,

but neither yourself
or other members of your family

can explain
exactly where she gets it from.

Is that correct?
Uh, yes, that's correct.

And this is your first time
identifying as Aboriginal?

Uh, yes.

Uh, I'd like to receive all
the benefits of being Aboriginal -

um, free healthcare services,
Aboriginal housing and loans,

and good-paying identified jobs.

OK.

So, here you go, Henry.
This is your Aboriginal starter pack.

All you Johnny-come-latelies
receive one of these

once you decide to be black.

It has Bushells tea bags
so you can make all the aunts a cuppa

when they start
running everyone down.

Comes with a roll of devon,
but depending on where you come from,

we can replace that devon
with bully beef or fritz.

Huh.

Powdered milk. This is to replace
that other fancy milk.

It's eaten best with Weet-Bix.

Here is a Charley Pride CD.

I suggest you learn all the words

in case you ever get invited
for a charge with the mob.

And last but not least,
a bottle of VB.

Ooh. I drink Corona.

Oh. You're only a beginner.
So you drink VB.

When you become
a more advanced blackfella,

you can choose whatever grog
you want to drink.

Ah.

Oh. Thanks for your help, miss.

You're a blackfella now.
Call me sis.

Oh. Thanks, sis.

(CHUCKLES)

Hi, everyone,
and welcome to Aunty Barb's Bingo.

Let's get started, shall we?

Number nine.

That's how many kids
my cousin Irene got,

'cause she be
throwing her hot fork around

at any man that will have her.

!

That's how much money
my brother Kyle owes me

but won't pay me back, and
I can see him sitting over there.

Number three.

That's how many women
I caught my man dooting

before I kicked his hole in.

Number two.

You want two black eyes, be gawking,
staring around at people like that,

I'll come over there
and poke your two good eyes out.

Who even let these white women in?

Want to come in playing bingo
with all the blackfellas?

. That's how many missed calls
I had from my mother-in-law today.

She want to ring me up complaining
about her grown-arse kids.

It's not my fault she gave birth
to poxy-arsed children.

True God,
that family makes me so wild.

They have my blood pressure up
that high.

Is it hot in here?
Can we open up a window?

Can I get a glass of water?

Can I get a smoke?

Hey. My white tidda.

Forget about what I said before.
Have you got a smoke there?

(CICADAS CHIRP)

Shh!

years since I was last in town.

Since the missus told me
she was expecting.

Only another year and a half,

I'll have completely dodged
child support altogether.

(CACKLES)

WOMAN: Jack? Is that you?

No.

Oi, bra.
What?

Reckon he black?

No.

Hey. Maybe.

Look at his nostrils.

Bro, they're proper big, eh?

Yeah, true.

He got a strong brow too, eh?

Eh.

Check them chicken legs there,
them ankles.

He must be a blackfella.
Must be.

Them chicken legs.

Eh...

..but he proper walk
a bit white too, eh?

Yeah.

Yeah, no, no, no.
He... he probably white.

You want another beer, bra?
Yeah, bra, that'd be good.

Cheers, bro.

(CLEARS THROAT)

That's funny.

He walks proper white too, eh?

(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Oh!

Mr Butler! (LAUGHS)

Come in. Take a seat.

OK, Mr Butler, so it says here

that you're looking
to take out a home loan.

Yeah, me and the missus
had a bub recently and...

..we're looking for our family home.
(LAUGHS)

Uh-huh. And it, uh, says here
that you're an Aborigine.

Yeah, correct. (CLEARS THROAT)

And it's, uh, your first child?
Yes.

That you know of.
What?

OK, Mr Butler, I'm just gonna
ask you a few questions

about your income and expenditure,

just to calculate how much the bank
is willing to loan you at this time.

Alright.
What do you earn annually?

About K.

And do you gamble, Mr Butler?
Occasionally.

Is it Aussie Rules or Rugby?

Horses mostly.
And what about the pokies?

Only on payday, uh, hardly anymore.
I stopped when the baby was born.

And how much did you loan
your cousin Eddie last week?

$ . How'd you know about that?

Do you eat smashed avo on toast,
Mr Butler?

No! Linda, I'm a black man.
Oh, so devon, then?

Eh!
: : , --] : : ,
What is the ratio of money
that you loan to your family

and the amount they pay you back?

Uh, I don't... um...

Um, I-I'm feeling
a bit att*cked, Linda.

Yeah, just answer the question,
Mr Butler.

Uh...

.. : , : on pay week.

OK. And, uh, how much debt are you in
from taking loans from your family?

Eh, now, Linda, I'm...

..I got a family to feed.

OK. So it's off the charts, then.

Right, well, Mr Butler,

judging by your family debt
and borderline gambling addiction,

taking into account
your annual income,

apparent family taxi service
and the birth of your 'first' child,

the bank is happy to loan you $
at this time

to go towards your first family home.

However, you've got to put $
of that into your piece-of-sh*t car

so you can take your grandmother
to the clinic,

$ of that into
your pathetic prepaid phone bill

and $ into grog
for your uncle's party next weekend,

leaving you with $ .

Here you go. Oh, wait!

You owe your cousin Reggie $
for shouting you smokes last weekend.

And I am happy to inform you that
your cousin Reggie banks with us,

so I am very happy to just pop that
into his account right now.

Of course, you still owe him $ ,
which means, of course,

that you're in negative , which
means that I can't loan you sh*t.

(SIGHS HAPPILY)

You have a great day, Mr Butler.

Eh! What now, countrymen?
How you mob doing? Good or what?

Eh, we know for a fact
that you're gonna be better,

because your two favourite
lovely aunties, Mavis and Dot,

are back for another episode
of Charkhole.

OK, sis,
so, what are we cooking up today?

Today, we're cooking
kangaroo stew and damper.

Eh, true, that.
That sounds proper lovely.

OK. So, what do the fellas at home
need to cook this?

For this recipe, the
main ingredient is kangaroo meat.

How much meat do we need?
Oh, proper biggest mob, sis.

OK. For the fellas at home, how much
is in a proper biggest mob, sis?

Oh, well, this is very important.

A proper biggest mob
is, like, gammon little bits.

And then we're gonna need some
flour. Good enough bit, though.

Full good enough bit?
Nah. Only half, sis.

And how many good enoughs
are in a mob, sis?

Oh, about four, sis.

And we're gonna need
one proper onion.

Imperial proper or metric proper?

Proper proper. Metric proper.

Cheeky one?
Ah, quarter cheeky one. (LAUGHS)

And we're gonna also need
one long celery.

Hey, look out!

And a gammon bit of aromatic thyme.
Very essential.

And then we're gonna need
a gammon splash of wine.

How many gammon splashes?
Oh, a little bit, sis. Like... .

Eh! True, that, sis. Look out.
You're gonna get proper blue!

Hey, hey! Come on, sis.
Look, we out of time!

And that's our recipe there

for proper deadly
kangaroo stew and damper.

Eh, true, that,
and if you come back next week,

we might actually
cook this bastard up.

Uncle?

What, nephew?

Who put the alphabet
in alphabetical order?

Don't know, nephew.

But I must admit...

..they got it right.

Hmm.

Except maybe for C and D.

I think they got that
the wrong way around.

Hmm.

Is everybody ready?

Oh, before you count the votes,

Melvyn and I would like to say
one thing.

Oh, OK. Yeah, sure.

When you woke up this morning,
you were just regular Australians.

Looking to have a little fun.

Little did you know
that the opportunity

would present itself for change.

Change that can affect the community,
the country, the entire world.

Change that we can make happen
right here, right now.

Martin Luther King had a dream!

But we...
We have a fantasy.

The hot, sweaty, moist, wet, sweaty
heat of the injustice of segregation

is felt by every person of colour
across this country.

But we can make that change,
right here tonight.

So let us into your hearts.

By letting us into your pants.

Our brothers and sisters
are on freedom rides

to change this country.

You can support
our ride for freedom...

By riding us.

So let's come together.
By coming together.

(SOBS)

Wow.

That's brilliant.

So, let's, uh,
count the votes, shall we?

(THUNDER RUMBLES)
WOMAN: Oh, electricity's gone out.

BARRY: Uh, uh,
I'll get the candles, shall I?

WOMAN: Oh, Bazza, they're in the...

(GASPS)

RODGER: Oh! Oh, oh! Who's that?

It's me, Melvyn.

Oh, Melvyn, yes!

(MOANING)

(ELECTRICITY BUZZES)

Ooh!
Bazza!

Turn the bloody lights back off!

Hold your horses, guys!
I've gotta get me strides off!

(MOANING)

That was amazing.
Right on.

(SIGHS)
I'm still shaking.

Us blackfellas
don't just DO the shake-a-leg.

We make your legs shake.

(ALL LAUGH)

It's just like the first time
I tried lemon chicken.

My mind is... (IMITATES expl*si*n)

You might say we're sexperts.

(ALL LAUGH)

You might not be flora, Melvyn,

but you sure are one hell of a root.

(ALL LAUGH)