04x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

No, Erica.

You'll ruin your dinner.

(LAUGHS) I said no.

VOICEOVER: Are you sick of this
always happening to you?

Don't you wish you could just get

some other person to raise your kid?

If only.
Well, wish no longer!

Introducing
the Summon-a-Black-Mum app!

But how does it work?

Just press the black button

and a black mum will appear
to raise your kid.

Well, isn't that just neato?

Heya!

Cut that whingeing out!
What's wrong with ya?

Look at you carrying on
over a bag of chips.

Not whingeing no more, are ya?

You gammon, eh?

Well? Answer me.

Are you gammon?

Mmm.

From gammon kids to gammon teenagers,

Summon-a-Black-Mum can help
with all your gammon kids.

Thanks to Summon-a-Black-Mum,
my son's grown to respect me.

Mum! Close the g*dd*mn door!

Dumb bitch.
(PHONE CHIMES)

Heya!

You will get it good!
I'm sorry I ever said anything.

I was wrong to say...
No, that hurts! Arggh!

Please forgive me! I'm sorry!
That hurts!

Give him another one.
No, no, no, no, no, no! Stop!

Even white dads love
Summon-a-Black-Mum!

As a white middle-aged white man, I
have trouble connecting with anyone,

especially my own son,

but now, with Summon-a-Black-Mum,
that's not a problem.

(PHONE CHIMES)

(EXCLAIMS) Ohh, no!

Ya gone proper stacked it! Ugh!

You right.
Black Mum will make it all better.

I told you not to ride so fast,
but you didn't listen, did ya?

Come here. Give us a hug.

All better?

All better.

Thanks, Black Mum.

Download Summon-a-Black-Mum today.

Bub!
Yeah? What that, Nan?

Go on and make Nanna
a nice big cuppa there, eh?

Righto, then.

What?

Nan?

Nan!

What, bub? Where's that cuppa?

Oh, this kid here,
you still there or what?

(PANTS)

You right, bub? You're starting
to make your nan worried.

I'm so sorry, Nan.

I don't know
how to tell you this, but...

But what?

There is no tea.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

MAN: (ON TV)
We interrupt this broadcast

to bring you an important update.

As the tea riots continue
around the world,

the World Health Organisation
has confirmed

the existence
of an airborne super virus

that has brought about
the destruction

of all remaining
international tea plantations.

In response to
the so-called 'tea-pocalypse',

the Australian government
has declared a state of emergency.

Authorities advise that rumours
pertaining to a reserve tea supply

at a safe haven at Point Pigram
are completely unfounded

and urge citizens
to stay put and stay calm.

Repeat - stay put and stay...

(STEADY BEEP)

What are we gonna do, bub?

Well, you heard what the bloke said.

I don't think we have a choice.

Point Pigram?

Point Pigram, Nan.

Here's your cap, mate.
Oh, cheers. Thank you.

Morning, mate.
What can I get for you today?

Short black, thanks.
Ah!

Like your coffee
like you like your women, eh?

(THINKS) Oh, sh*t.
Why did I say that?

Why in the hell would I say that?

It's not even
a well thought out joke.

Are black women even short? Is that
r*cist to think they can't be?

Oh, God!
I wonder what he's thinking.

He's probably gonna s*ab me
with a spear.

Is that r*cist? Oh, f*ck, Tim, f*ck!
Why am I r*cist all of a sudden?!

Maybe I'm the problem.

How can we close the gap if there
are people like me in the world?

Yeah, bruz. (LAUGHS)

Ready in a sec.
(LAUGHS)

Bruz.

(PHONE RINGS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS) Hey, Aunty. What's wrong?

I think there's a prowler
or something in the yard there.

I want you to come over.

Um, why don't you
call the cops, Aunty?

No! I want you to come.
You're my family.

Not them bully men.
(SIGHS) Oh, alright.

I'll... I'll be there in minutes.

Eh, and when you come over,
can you stop at the servo first

and get me three Kit Kat
and a bottle of iced coffee,

to settle my nerves?

And hit me in the guts
with a $ Telstra recharge too.

Aunty, that's gonna take me
up to half an hour.

What about the prowler?
Don't worry about it!

I'll keep him busy till you get here.

You just make sure
you get to the servo first.

'Ere, nephew, I better go.
This credit almost gone.

It's such a tragedy! Oh, then.
Aunty! Aunty!

Aunty?

(GROANS)

You right, Nan?

Yeah, I'm alright, bub.

I'm just not feeling
a bit strong, eh?

You know Nan gets her strength
from tea.

(GROANS)

Hang in there, Nan!

I'm not giving up on you.

Let me help you.

I'll look up ahead.

Who knows? There might be something.
Anything.

OK?
Yeah, alright, bub.

You just stay strong.

(PANTS)

(PANTS)

Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

Oh, come on, come on, come on.

(LAUGHS)

(SCREAMS)
(INSECTS BUZZ)

Yuck!

You frick!

(LAUGHS)

Yes!

Yes! (PANTS)

Look what I found! (LAUGHS)
Look what I got!

(PANTS)

This should keep you going.

This should keep you going
for a few more days.

Thank you for that, my little one.

I feel a bit stronger now.

You know what,
I can feel it in my spirit

we're getting closer to that place.

I can smell that tea in the wind
when it blows from the north.

(LAUGHS)

(PANTS)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

VOICEOVER: July , ,

and wife and mother Nicole Jackson
has just about had enough

of the kids yelling in the next room

and her husband, Eric,
getting underfoot.

At that moment, the phone rang
and Nicole answered it

thinking it was her friend,
that big old Grace Thomson,

when it was, in fact, her boss.

Without missing a b*at,
Nicole realised her mistake

and put on a fake white phone voice

to gammon-act like she
wasn't yelling, averting disaster

and creating another great moment

in black history.

We received a tip
that a brother by the name of Jayden

is about to propose
to his white girlfriend, Wendy.

We don't have a problem
with interracial marriage.

What we do have a problem
is when white partners

try to coconutify
their black loved one.

♪ Blakforce, Blak, Blakforce

♪ Whoo-uh-uh

♪ Blakforce, Blak, Blakforce... ♪

Now, the best way to test
for the likelihood of that

is an ambush interview.

(WENDY LAUGHS)

It means that the white partner

doesn't have time
to make up black answers.

That's why we have Officer Nathan
in the camouflage gear over there.

Give us a wave, Nathan.
(RADIO CRACKLES)

And Officer Mick,
disguised as a homeless man.

How you doing, Mick?
(RADIO CRACKLES)

So...
MICK: Ed, I think we're on.

(GASPS) Yes! Yes!

Go! Now! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Put your hands where we can see 'em!
Eyes front!

Jayden! I'm Officer Ed.

This is Officer Mick
and Officer Nathan.

What the hell is going on?
It's all good, babe. It's all good.

Jayden, you know what happens
when you propose to a white woman?

JAYDEN: Yeah, I understand.
I understand.

Look, babe,
just answer this man's questions

as honest as possible, alright?

It's gonna be OK. (LAUGHS)

So... how'd you mob meet?

Um, we met in a nightclub when
Nelly's Hot in Herre was playing.

You like Nelly?
Love him.

She loves Nelly.
She likes Nelly!

Alright. Let's do a bit of a...
a word association.

Yeah, yeah. The word association.
I love that.

Australia Day.
r*cist.

Deadly.
Good.

Spear.
Fishing.

JT.

GOAT.

Jessica Mauboy.
Songbird of a generation.

Alright. One more question.

How's your cooking?

Real good. (LAUGHS)
Mmm.

We, um, actually have some leftovers
from the picnic if you want to...

Oh! Leftovers, eh?
..want to try it.

It's, uh... it's chicken curry.

(SNIFFS)

It's good.
(OTHERS LAUGH)

You got a good one here, Jayden.

Don't mess it up.
I won't.

And if he does, Wendy,

here's my number.

Oh, thank you.
Let's move out, boys.

The... chicken curry!

(LAUGHS) Ooh!

♪ Blakforce, Blak, Blakforce

♪ Whoo-uh-uh... ♪

(CICADAS CHIRP)

Shh!

I've been hiding out here
for years and years now.

I'm gonna keep hiding out here too.

I'll go back when blackfellas
get the right to vote.

I'm not holding my breath, though.

(BIRD CALLS)

Alright, you bunch of platypussies,

today, we're gonna test
your strength, your stamina

and your will to survive
when it's the dead verse the alive.

Uh, Uncle Joombi,

this is pretty stupid, eh?

Look, I've... I've got an assignment
due tomorrow, and...

Shut your hole, boy!
You and still in Grade .

Don't be gammon. This here
is an assignment for Armageddon.

That there gonna teach you
how to jump over a fence

when a zombie dog
trying to chew your cheeks off!

What?
Hey?

They got zombie dogs too?
Yep. Zombie everything!

And you not gonna be able
to fight sh*t

with them little
Bony Moronie arms you got!

And you, Ando, what,
you want me to get Mum again?

Flog your arse, make it swollen
like a baboon bum-bum, eh?

Well, you fellas should have
backed me up last time.

What was that, sh*t stick?
No, sir! Sorry, sir!

That's what I thought, big-noter!
Alright!

Now get to the starter line!

On your marks, get set.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Go, go, go! I'm a big zombie dog,
gonna chew your cheeks off!

(BARKS AND YAPS)

Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
That's it!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Arggh! My leg!

Arggh!
Oh, ya! What the...?

Oh!
Arggh! My leg!

Arggh!
He's broken his leg!

You're the medic. Go see to it,
buddy. Come on, let's go, babe.

Hey, Unc! Unc!

(RETCHES)

Hey, which way? Any bags?

Nah. Sorry, bruz.

Any Bushells?

Nah. We got nothing, brother.

Sorry.
Nah, seriously, cuzzie.

I'm proper hanging out here.

I'll even take that green tea sh*t.
Please!

'Ere, you two haven't even
introduced yourselves.

Well, I'm Wes.
And this my brother boy Des.

Where'd you come from?
From the city.

What?! How'd you get out?

We seen it on the TV.

It looks terrifying.
True God, it was poxy.

I seen people do things for tea
that... never want to see.

True, eh?

People you thought were your family
turn on you

in two shakes of a tea bag.

Seen a man b*at his own uncle
for a drip of Earl Grey.

That's sick!

Earl Grey.

'Ere, you right, nephs.
You two can join us.

We're going to safe havens anyway.

Hey, true! The safe haven.

Oh. Heard of this place,
before the TVs went out.

Point Pigram, right?

Mob reckon it's a paradise, eh?

Like, the biggest mob of tea,

in every form and flavour
under the sun.

Loose-leaf, bagged, chamomile.

Russian Caravan.

Even them infusion things.

More tea than you can
poke a stick at, bruz!

(LAUGHS)
Hey! Who are you mob?

What you mob want?
We don't want any trouble!

Give us your tea.
We don't have any tea.

Bullshit! You're blackfellas.

You always got tea.

But he's telling the truth.

We got nothing!
We're as desperate as you mob!

Fine.

So you won't give us any tea.

So I guess we'll take
something else of yours.

Ooh.
WOMAN: Oh! Dude!

That's messed up.

Nothing gets between my nanna
and her tea.

Can you believe?
Oh, my gosh!

Really?
Ooh.

Don't look now,
but there's a girl staring at you.

Ooh, crap. They're coming over.

You go. You go. Alright, let's go.
Yep.

Hi. Um, we were
just admiring your hair.

Can we touch it?
It's so soft!

Do you have a special hairdresser
that deals with white hair?

How much conditioner do you use?

Do you dye your hair
or is it naturally this blonde?

I know! It looks so exotic!

Our cousin
has straight blonde hair as well.

She's a whitefella too.
Do you know her?

Yeah,
you all know each other, right?

Stay there.
I need to take a picture.

Look.
We're going.

What did I say?

You know how sensitive
whitefellas can get.

(SHOWERS RUN)

(THINKS)
OK, Tay, you know how it works.

Whatever you do,
do not drop the soap.

Oi!
Oh, sh*t!

Not like this.

You'd better pick up
that bar of soap now!

That's a trip hazard,
that, right there!

Someone could have broken their neck
slipping over that.

I mean, what is it with these new
guys? Trying to get us all k*lled!

Yeah, you're right.

Tyrone, we need to talk.
Sure, babe. When?

Now, obviously.

Um...

Yeah, I've got time. What's up?

Well, we need to chat.
It's a bit delicate.

We don't want you
to take it the wrong way.

This is coming
from a place of love and respect.

We can't do it anymore. This is
starting to affect us all and...

It's your f*ckin' pop, Tyrone.
He's doin' our head in.

Good ways, we love him,
but it's too much!

I am so confused.
This has come out of nowhere.

He's been here two months!

We've asked you twice
to ask him to leave.

I did! He told me to f*ck off.

I can't control
everything in this house.

You nor your grandfather
have done any of the dishes.

He doesn't contribute financially.

It's not fair you have two black
women cleaning up after two black men

like we're personal slaves.

He told me to f*ck off!

He scared away
three dates of mine this week.

I haven't had sex in two weeks!

Can you ask him again?

Fine!

Hey, Pop? The girls want you
to leave. Nicole needs a root.

f*ck off!

(SIGHS)

Pop said f*ck off.

(SHOWER RUNS)

Frank!

Why are you home so early?

Early? It's, like... it's . .

Are you... you OK?

Uh, yeah. I just wasn't expecting...
Why are you in bed?

Is someone in the shower?
Um...

Oh, Jess! You didn't.

Oh, Frank, you don't understand.
(GROANS)

How could you do this to me?

I'm so sorry, Frank.
I can't believe this. I swear to God.

I am gonna bash this...

..big... handsome...

..black... man.

Hey. How you doing? I'm Anthony.

Hey. What's up? I'm Frank.

You must be, uh,
one of Jess's housemates, yeah?

(LAUGHS)

Housemates? That's... that's good.

Uh, yeah. Kind of, I guess.

Um... technically, she's my wife.

But, you know, whatev... whatever.

Oh, sh*t! Jesus, Jess.
You didn't tell me...

Hey, hey. Relax, bruz, relax.
It's cool. Don't worry.

No need to trip. (LAUGHS)

I mean, look, we... we've been
having problems for a while now.

Right? Yeah. So, I mean, something
like this was bound to happen.

Yeah, right.
Yeah.

So, um, how... how... how long
has... has this been going on?

About four...
Six months.

God! That's a while.

Look... mate, I'm sorry.
I mean, Jess...

Hey, no, no. No sweat. Honestly,
dude. No... not a problem at all, bro.

Um, am I mad? Sure. Yep.

I'm mad, a little, but I'm mad
because you had sex with my wife.

Not because you're black.

OK.
Yeah. You know.

Like, we stole your land,
so might as well steal my wife.

Am I right? Pump it.

Yeah. I mean,
she'll back me up on this.

I am... I'm the first person to say
I love Aboriginal people. I do.

I'm actually
a Torres Strait Islander.

I knew that.

(SOFTLY) I knew that.

The culture, the food.

Chicken vermicelli, am I right?

Oh, hey, babe,
do you remember when, um...

..remember when I made that for you
last week, before you broke my heart?

That was butter chicken.
Oh! You're the worst.

So glad I'm divorcing you.

Oh, um...

..Jess, I'm probs gonna stay
at my mum's tonight.

Yep. Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

Awesome.

I'll just...

You know what? You know what?

I'm just... I'm glad it was with

a big proud black
First Nation man like yourself,

and not another white loser like me.

(LAUGHS)

Deadly. (CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHS)

Hey, babe, just checking. Did you...

You didn't let him...

Yes, Frank, I did.

Yeah. Cool. I thought so.

I... (CLEARS THROAT)
..I was just checking.

See ya.

Uncle?

What, nephew?

You know how we have
oranges the fruit

but we also have orange the colour?

Well... are oranges the fruit
named oranges

because they're orange-coloured?

Or is the colour called orange
because oranges are orange?

I guess we'll never know, nephew.

(SIGHS)

I guess we'll never know.

Yeah.

Gammon haben?

I guess them trick us, eh? (SIGHS)

Hey, you mob.

You must spread out
and suss out if there's any tea.

WES: Hey! Hey, you mob!

I found some tea!

(LAUGHS) That's my boy!

(GASPS)

(GASPS) Bub!
(ALL LAUGH)

You and Des, go get some wood
and make a fire!

Nanna gonna get the teapot
and some mugs ready!

(LAUGHS)

(INAUDIBLE)

(FIRE CRACKLES)

Oh, this is lovely!

Oh, that Wes was a sweet fella, eh?

Yeah. I'm surprised.

He was a lot sweeter
than his brother.

(LAUGHS)
You want another cup?

Yeah, go on. Top me up, then.

(LIQUID POURS)