04x06 - Episode 6

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Black Comedy". Aired November 2014 - current.
"Black Comedy" is a fast paced comedic look at Australian culture brought together by Indigenous Australian writers and performers.
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04x06 - Episode 6

Post by bunniefuu »

No, Stanley.

I said 'corroboree'.

Not 'car robbery'.



Would you give your full name
to the court, please?

My name is Jem Amanda Smith.

Now, Jem, do you know
why you're here today?

Yeah. 'Cause of what happened
that night at the restaurant.

That's right, Jem.

Because of what happened that night
at the restaurant.

And would you tell all these good
people, what happened that night?

Well, me, my mum, my brother
and my dad, we went to dinner.

Oh, right, that sounds nice.
Was it someone's birthday?

Nah. I play hockey. And I was voted
best and fairest for this year.

And a voucher for the restaurant
came with the trophy.

We were all excited to go,
especially Dad.

He'd never been
to a fancy restaurant before.

It's OK, Jem.

Just take your time.

OK, you go on when you're ready.

Well, we all ordered our food,
except for Dad.

He wasn't sure what to get.

But then he saw it,
second last thing on the menu.

It's OK, Jem. It's OK.

What did your dad order?

He ordered the...

..deconstructed bully beef stew.


We didn't really know what it was,
but it said bully beef stew,

so, what else could it be?

And what did they bring out, Jem?

I'm not sure.

But when Dad saw it,
a single tear came out of his eye.

Like when Granny passed away.

It was like a plate of this and that.

All the pieces were there, but...

..it was separate.

They kept them separate.

There wasn't even any rice.

No rice!

No rice.

Sometimes I wonder, if I hadn't been
such a deadly hockey player,

things would be different.

Mum wouldn't have called
the restaurant people useless dogs,

and Dad, he wouldn't have cried.

It's not your fault, bub.

It's not your fault.

MAN: Yeah.

Order in the court.

Your witness.



Thank you.
(LAUGHS) It was nothing.

Here. I'll put my number
in there for you, huh?


Oh, my kids are just gonna love
meeting a real Bondi lifeguard.


Delete. Delete.

There. I'm not even from here.

Hey, Aunty.

Hey, nephew. How ya hole going?

Yeah, good.
Hey, I got your text. What's up?

Oh, Marley Boy, it's such a tragedy!

Your Aunty Jane,
she want to have a barbecue

for her grandson birthday
this Friday.

They want to have it somewhere shady.

They want to have it here, under my
big poinciana tree out the back, eh?

Oh, that's alright, then.

Did you want me
to get chairs and tables, then?

No, nephew!

Did you want me
to get some meat, then?

No, nephew!

Well, did you want me to get
some snacks and soft drink, then?

No, nephew!

Well, 'ere,
what do you want me to do, then?

I want you to come over and
cut that big-arse poinciana tree down

before Friday, so they don't
come here in the first place.

I can't have people around
when Bold and Beautiful on.

Aw, Aunty!
It's alright, nephew.

Uncle Bill old chainsaw
out the back there.

You just need some fuel for it.

And then you can f*re it up

and hit that big poinciana tree
right in the guts!


OK. So bishops can only go diagonal?

And castles can only go sideways,
and the queen can go everywhere.

Alright, cool.

Let's do it.
Yeah? Um, just remember.

The whole point of the game
is just to keep your king safe.

Sweet. Um, I'll go first.

Oh, um, no. I... I go first.

'Cause whites go first.

You're kidding me, right? What type
of Ku Klux Klan board game is this?

You can't be serious?

You give me one good reason why the
white pieces should go first, then.

Because, for the thousands of years
that chess has been played,

the white pieces have gone first.

It's tradition.
Oh, that's rich.

Because if I remember, for
thousands of years, 'traditionally',

this has been black land,

and now, what, all of a sudden,

white people want to give a shit
about 'tradition'?

Come on, James. I mean...

You know what?

I don't even know why we're playing
this r*cist board game anyway.

Should have just played Jenga.
OK, you know what?

If it matters that much
and you want to go first,

how about you be white?

(LAUGHS) No, no, no.

I'm a proud black man, who's
gonna represent the black pieces

until they put me in the ground.

Always was, always will be
Aboriginal land.

Screw it. Let's just play Jenga.



Would you give
your name and occupation

for the court, please, sir?

My name is Dave Simmons
and I'm a tow truck driver.

Now, Mr Simmons, do you have
any nieces or nephews at all?

I got seven nieces and nephews.

So you are, in fact, an uncle?

That is correct.

I'm also known as Uncle Dave.

And just how long
have you been an uncle?

Well, my oldest nephew, he's .

So years.

Quarter of a century.

Your Honour, the prosecution
would like to submit

the witness's ongoing testimony

as that of an expert
in the field of unclery.

Does the defence
have any objections?

No, Your Honour,
the defence has no objections.

Proceed, Mr Chris.
Thank you, Your Honour.

Now, Mr Simmons...

May I call you Uncle Dave?

Uncle Dave.

Is it true that you are noted
in your community

for your bully beef stew?

That is correct.

I'm also known for my oxtail soup
and fried scones.

Objection, Your Honour.

The witness's fried scones
have no place in this court.

And the prosecution knows it.

The witness will refrain

from speaking about
his lovely fried scones.

And any mention of fried scones
will be struck from the record.

Move on from
them lovely fried scones, Mr Chris.

Yes, Your Honour. Thank you.

Uncle Dave, in your expert opinion,
as an uncle, who cooks,

what do you make
of the defendant's so-called

'deconstructed bully beef stew'?

It's gammon.
Could you repeat that, Uncle Dave?

I said it's gammon!
"It's gammon."

Uncle Dave, how can that be?

You've got the defendant's
own witnesses stating

that it's new and avant-garde.

You don't agree?
I do not, sir. I do not at all!

In all my years of unclery,
I've never seen the like.

He's taken something
that was whole and beautiful

and is splintering it
for his own terrible needs.

The defendant is big-noting himself,
just to make a few bucks

off some blackfella dietary staple.

He's trying to fix something
that isn't broke!

That's theft. Theft, I tell ya.

Leave blackfella food alone,
for f*ck's sake!

You got everything else! True God!

Thank you. Thank you, Uncle Dave.

That's all I have
for this witness, Your Honour.

Does the defence
wish to cross-examine the witness?

We'll adjourn for -minute break.

And I suggest if you have
any fried scones, you eat them now.


Out here, loyalty means everything.

My old horse, Rover, over there,
me old dog, Rover, over there,

they've been with me for years.

They never leave my side.

I named 'em both Rover
so they'd come when I call 'em.

Stops me from going crazy.


Not again!

(SHOUTS) Rover!


Maybe they were never here.

Maybe I've been here all alone.

But, then, who I been talking to
this whole time?





Officer Mick Wenlen
asks Mark Johnson

why he was doing km
in a school zone.

Knowing that he had no money
to pay the fine,

Mark Johnson
calmly tells Officer Mick

that his wife is going into labour,

a small white lie,
considering he'd had a vasectomy

and didn't have a wife.

A new father himself, Officer Mick
lets Mark go with a warning,

making Mark Johnson
the first ever black man

to get off with a warning,

creating another great moment
in black history.




Here. Please, take a seat.

Would you like a cup of tea?
A biscuit?

Uh, yeah. Go on, then.

So, um, have you got my results?

Yes. Of course.

Yes. Yes.


Gavin, to find your percentage,
I had to go deep.

Deeper than I ever have before.

The... the things I've seen.

But I did it.

I traced your ancestors.
I did the calculations.

And then I did them again and again

and again and again and again

until I realised
it was simply undeniable.

You are % Aboriginal.

What? %?

But... how is that even possible?

I never would have believed it
before today, but... but...

..somehow... Gavin, somehow,
you've dodged colonisation.

You've sidestepped
the stolen generation.

You've ducked below the impact
of the surge of multiculturalism.


(GASPS) ..you're it.

You... are it.

Uh, I don't know what to say.

You are % Aboriginal.


Things will never be the same
for you.

From now on, everyone will
call you uncle, even your own uncle.

You'll be flown around the country,
around the world,

to do every 'welcome to country'.

They'll name scholarships after you.

They'll name parks after you.

They'll build statues of you

to place in the parks
that they've named after you.

This is incredible.
I've got to tell the family.



Oh, shit!

I think I've got that wrong.

He's Indian!

JUDGE: Closing argument, Mr Chris.

Thank you, Your Honour.


I believe in every country's history
there is a moment

when a simple court case,
like this one,

can have far-reaching ramifications
for that country and its people.

Now, the defendant, Mr Ross,
gubba there,

claims that his so-called innovation

is not an affront
to Indigenous gastronomy.

But he gammon, eh, 'cause, true God,

you put a plate of this
deconstructed bully beef stew...

..in front of any Indigenous person,

you're likely to get smashed
like an avocado on toast.

Am I lying?

You can't put a piece of Hamper,
half an onion and tomato,

some curry powder and
maybe some China cabbage on a plate

and tell an Indigenous person
that that's dinner!

That's ingredients for dinner,
f*ck ya!

Hey! Quiet, f*ck yas!

Carry on, Mr Chris.
Thank you, Your Honour.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
enough is enough!

It's time to draw a line and say,
"No more of this bullshit."

Here, nephew,
give me that thing there. The thing.

The chalk, f*ck ya!

That line there, bullshit stops here.

Now, the defendant
and all his gubba chef mates

give testimony
that his plate of dog food...

Objection, Your Honour!

Prosecution's making
value judgements

against the culinary flair
of my client!

JUDGE: Uh, knock it off, uh...

The boy's about to cry.

Apologies, Your Honour, but,
true God, he make me feel slack, eh?

As I said previously, the defendant
has had some of his gubba chef mates

reckon his food's the duck's nuts,
just not as tasty.

Now, I see a bunch of white people
talking about black food,

but you know what I don't see?

I don't see one uncle or aunty
who agrees with him.

Where's their testimony?

Sound like someone fright to me.

Now, Mr Ross,
you know in your heart of hearts,

you try serving that
to any uncle or aunty,

you know what they're gonna say, eh?

They'd say,
"f*ck your mouth," Your Honour!

"f*ck your mouth."


The prosecution rests.


Wa, nephew?

You know what 'goona' means, hey?

(CHUCKLES) Wa, nephew.

Oh, OK.


..is that what 'Goonawindi'
is named after?

No, nephew.

It's GOON-diwindi.


But yeah!


Thank you, everyone,
for being here again.

This is the first step
in your recovery.

For years and years,
people have persisted with the lie

that once you go black,

you can never go back.

But here, we believe

that you can and you will go back.

ALL: We can and we will go back.

(SIGHS) Becky?

Would you like to share your story?

Hi. I'm Becky.
OTHERS: Hi, Becky.

Well, it was over a year ago.

I was, um, swiping down Tinder
and I came across Todd.

He was kind and sweet and handsome.

He said 'sis' and 'bruz',

things that made me feel cool.

Yeah. Makes us all feel cool, Becky.

And he was...



Soon after that, we started seeing
each other and sleeping together.

And then my grandmother found out.

She thr*at
to take me off her will.

And, of course,
being a white person,

money is a core value to me.

Yeah. Of course.

So I had to leave.

And it's been six weeks now.

I'm sorry, just...
I can't deal right now with this.

MAN: It's OK.
WOMAN: It's OK. Becky.

You've done the right thing.

It... it's really important
for us to remember,

when we are tempted to go back...

Sorry, guys.

I didn't know
there was people in here.

I won't be a sec.

Um... yep. O-OK. Sure, yeah.
Just, uh, be quick.


Uh, yeah, so,
it's really important for us, um,

to remember when we're tempted
to go back to black,

um, what a white partner can give us
that a black partner can't.

So, uh, s*ab financial income.


Oh. Sorry.

And, of course,
um, whitefellas... white people,

white people, um,
they will do things

like they will watch the royals
on TV, and, um,

they'll... they'll order things
like clam chowder at restaurants.

And, uh...

Oh! Now I'm all wet and slippery.




I can't take it any longer.

Take me back to black, Mr Janitor!

No! Not this again!


Help! Help!




Love you.

Ooh! Hang on there, madam.

I'll just check you first there.


Ma'am, you don't mind
if I, uh, check your bag, please?

Yeah, go on. You're right.

Uh, where you off to today?

Home, huh?

Oh! Ye... oh, man.

You can't take
this little cheeky bugger, Aunty,

so he stay with me, OK?

Yeah, good one.

All good, Aunty.
Thank you, my boy.

Enjoy your lunch.
See you.





Wake up, you black bastard! Yeah!

Look here! No shame, fighting around.

Think you're deadly, eh, cuz? Yeah!

I'll take you on right now, eh?

What's your name? Keith?

Well, you're Keith
with no teeth now, eh?

(LAUGHS) Shame!

Now, listen up, budu-breath.

When a blackfella loses a tooth,
they call me,

and I have to give that fella a
dollar for that crusty rotten tooth.

If you be fighting around
and you get your tooth knocked out,

then I gotta waste my money on you,
you bloody mongrel!

'Ere! Take ya dirty dollar, ya dog.

And next time,
I won't be so pleasant.

I'll take you outside for a lash
right now.




Your Honour,
the jury finds the defendant...

..guilty on all charges.

JUDGE: Thank you, Ms Foreman.

The jury is now discharged
with the court's thanks.

The defendant
will return to this court on May

for sentencing.


Next case before the court
is docket number ,

Family vs Aunty Barbara
and her watery chicken vermicelli.

Hey, Dad's girl.

See Dad in court?

Hey, Dad?
Yeah, bub.

Why was that gubba man in trouble?

That man was in trouble
because he didn't know

what every Aboriginal person
in this country knows -

the difference between
given, taken and shared.

And because he didn't know, his
stink ring gonna rot in jail for it.

(LAUGHS) Good job, Dad.
Yeah, bub, good job.

Come on. Let's go.
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