01x06 - Family Vacation & Murphy's Lard

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Milo Murphy's Law". Aired: October 3, 2016 to May 2019.
"Milo Murphy's Law" follows 13-year-old Milo Murphy, the fictional great-great-great-great grandson of the Murphy's Law namesake.
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01x06 - Family Vacation & Murphy's Lard

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Look at that sun
Look at that sky ♪

♪ Look at my sweater vest
I look so fly ♪

♪ Look at that mailbox
Look at that tree ♪

♪ It's about as beautiful as it can be ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Today is gonna be exceptional ♪

♪ Never boring even for a minute ♪

♪ It's my world
And we're all livin' in it ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Never boring even for a minute ♪

♪ It's my world
And we're all livin' in it ♪

[Brigette] All right,
everybody go before we leave.

Wait, how can we
"go" before we leave?

[gasps] Unless it's time travel?

Okay, Sara's ready for vacation.

And the spare tire is...

Also ready for vacation?

I meant where is it?

On the back of the RV.

-No, I mean the spare-spare.

Underneath all the
stuff we just packed.

And the spare spare-spare?

Under the spare-spare.

And my seat cushion doubles
as a floatation device

and a spare spare-spare...

I'd say that's overkill,
but I'd be wrong.

Have fun, Milo!

-We don't have to go, right?

We're keeping an eye on Diogee.

Stay home, Diogee!

That was easy. Where you headed?

Nowhere in particular.

Wait, you're going on vacation
but you don't know where?

We used to plan,
but it never worked out.

So now,
we just go with the flow.

For generations, Murphy family
vacations have been historic.

[Zack] San Francisco earthquake,
the Titanic, Hindenburg...

Mount Vesuvius?

Well, to be fair, no one ever
talks about the quiet volcanoes.

That's the funny
thing about vacations.

-It's like Dad always says...

I'm not always saying anything
today, I'm on vacation.

[engine revs]


[upbeat music playing]

♪ Well we don't know
Where we're going ♪

♪ And we've got no ETA ♪

♪ No itinerary, compass,
Map or scheduled agenda ♪

♪ But at least we're on our way ♪

♪ We've got a mini-fridge
Filled with electrolytes ♪

♪ For when we feel
The need to replenish ♪

♪ And a funky,
Foreign secondhand GPS ♪

♪ That only speaks to us in Flemish ♪

[speaking Flemish]

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ It's the Murphy
Family vacation ♪

♪ Delays can be expected
Even in the best of weather ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ The journey is the destination ♪

♪ We can handle complications ♪

♪ As long as we're together ♪

♪ So let's hit the road ♪

I knew I should've
gone before I left.

All right, RV's all gassed up.

What do you say we
get some snacks?

[engine revving]


♪ ...the Murphy family vacation ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ It's the Murphy
Family vacation ♪

Sara, can you get me a
soda from the Fridge?

I'm busy. Milo?

Uh... Mom? Dad?

Where's Milo? I don't think we
packed a spare one of those.

[tire hisses]

Everybody go before we left?

You bet, Dad.

Excellent, son.

-[tires screeching]
-Whoa! We don't have a son!

Oh my gosh!
This seat isn't a floatation device.

Okay, I'll see you soon.

We're going to meet my family
at Boulder City, Mr. Brulee.

How are you not
freaking out right now?

Not my first rodeo.

-Ooh, he's been to the rodeo?
-How exotic!

[engine starts]

Okay, Boulder City,
then right back on track

to the Grand Canyon.

-Eye roll.

Charlene, Sharon, jar!

Come on, girls,
it's your favorite canyon.

It's everyone's favorite canyon!

It's certainly my
favorite canyon.

It's just that we go every year.

Every year.

It's a lot of canyon.

And, it's going to be grand.

[both] Jar.

So long as there's no
further interruptions.

Sometimes the interruptions
are half the fun.

And sometimes they're
mind-bogglingly terrifying.

I can't wait to see
which one this is.

d*ad alternator.

That's okay, I've got a spare.

You carry around a
spare alternator?

Yeah. I'm glad you guys needed
one 'cause it was heavy.

Hey look!

It's Horseface the
Equestrian Barbarian!

♪ Horseface the Equestrian Barbarian

How did we not see that?
I mean, it's huge!

Now there's something you
don't see all the time.

Dad, can we go look at it?

I'm sorry identical
apples of my eye,

we've got a schedule to keep.

I mean, what if we liked it
and wanted to stay longer?

The whole vacation
would unravel.

Come on, g*ng, the canyon's waiting
impatiently for our arrival.


Sorry g*ng,
Murphy's law, my bad.

[sighs] We better call Milo
with a change of plans.

-♪ Horseface the Equestrian Barbarian

Okay, well, looks like we'll have
to rendezvous at the state line.

Okay, we can still make the Grand
Canyon, if we hurry.

[Mr. Brulee] No stopping for
bathroom breaks

or food or any other human necessities.

-And on your left you can see...

-Nope, you missed it.

-And back there was... There it was...

Oh, it's gone now.

Oh, and there's LardWorld
with Lardee Boy out front,

sharing his signature
brand of enthusiasm.

Lardee Boy? Cool!

State line! Here we are!

And there we go.

The brakes!


I can't break the brakes!
The brakes are broke! Jar!

[tires screeching]



[screaming continues]


Okay, since we kind
of missed that stop,

my folks say they'll meet us
at Roadside Attraction Highway.

You're so calm.

He's so calm.

[both] Are all your
vacations like this?

Well, not exactly like this...

But, reminiscent.

Like when we got stuck in a shark cave...

-Stop it!
-...in the Andes...

-Shut up!
-During a tidal wave.

He's so dangerous.

In a sweater vest.

Why is this happening?

I pay my taxes, I mow my lawn,

I don't even change the radio
station when the commercials come on

because I feel guilty making
their money go to waste.

Why is this happening to me?

It's probably Murphy's Law.
It does tend to keep you on your toes.

Just turn into the
skid, we'll be fine.

Here it is,
Roadside Attraction Highway.

We can meet up with my folks.

[Mr. Brulee] But we don't
have any way of stopping!

[Milo] Okay,
small change of plans.

[girl] I told you, he's so calm!


-The Just Off Center of the United States.



I blame you.

Really? What could I possibly
have done to avoid that?

It's just that attitude.

[Milo] Oh and here's my
favorite up here, Hamosaur.

A dinosaur made
entirely out of ham.

Except for his claws,
which are bacon.


[Mr. Brulee] We're being
chased by Jurassic Pork!

-[Milo] Um, Mr. Brulee, you might wanna...
-[all screaming]

Never mind.


[Brigette] Destruction looks
fresh, Milo must be close.

[Martin] We should catch up to
him, any... Second.

Well, this is unexpected.

Even for us.

[Sara reading]

An RV? We're supposed
to be abducting cows!

Disintegrator ray, sir?

You know,
it's not the answer to everything

just because it's
the closest button.

[Milo] Oh,
here's a text from Sara.

"Change of plans,
we're right behind you"?

I don't see any...


Oh, there they are.


[sighs] Huh.
Have you seen Diogee lately?

[country music playing]


We're going to die!
Only eventually.

We're having the kind of vacation no
one in our family could've imagined!

But we're losing precious
time that could be spent

standing and staring
at a massive crevice.

I just heard myself.

But we saw Horseface
the Barbarian.

And LardWorld!

And an unmarked helicopter.

That's what I love
about vacations.

Going with the flow.

[Mr. Brulee] This "going with
the flow" makes me really tense.




[Milo] We seem to be sinking.
Everyone up on the roof!

Here we go...

Definitely not on the itinerary.

[Martin] Ahoy, Milo!

And you must be the Brulees.

And you must be nuts!
How can you be so calm?

We are driving on a raging river
pulling a dinosaur made of ham!

And isn't it a great day for it?


[both] Oh no! Hamosaur!


Two minutes ago,
I didn't even know he existed,

and now,
my life feels empty without him.



Spare, spare, spare, spare.

Diogee, fetch!

Grab a hold, everyone!

Good dog, Diogee!

How did he do that?

He's the greatest
dog in the world.

[both] We've never had our
own action sequence before!

Best vacation ever.

Thank you for looking after
Milo, I'm so sorry...

That was thrilling! Who knew
vacations could be so... Exciting.

I guess Milo showed us there's more
to vacations than the Grand Canyon.

That's my boy.

It's like my dad always says,

"Family vacations are
the only trip you take,

where you go away to get closer
to what you already have."



♪ Welcome everyone to LardWorld ♪

♪ Lard is slippery, greasy, fun ♪

♪ Rendered fat that comes from piggies ♪

♪ Welcome, welcome everyone ♪

♪ Lardee Boy is here to greet you ♪

Hi, my name is Lardee Boy.

♪ If you play his Lardee games ♪

♪ You're sure to win a Lardee toy ♪

♪ LardWorld, LardWorld ♪

♪ LardWorld, LardWorld ♪

♪ Welcome to LardWorld ♪

♪ The lardest amusement park ♪



You know, no matter how many
times I come to LardWorld,

I'm always surprised how much fun
you can have with rendered pig fat.

Look out, frosting!


I think you know and I know,

that it's time we went on the
scariest lard-based ride...

Greased Thunder!

[playing trumpet]


-[continues playing]

You know thunder's a sound,
how can it be greased?

The same way you
grease lightning.

With lard.

Right, Melissa?


[echoing] Melissa... Melissa...

Melissa, Melissa, Melissa.

Would you cut it out?

It's nothing, okay?

it just seems like you're...

Losing it big time? Yeah! That!

I wouldn't want you two
to think any less of me.

You can tell us, Melissa.

You're in the trust circle.

Well, there's three of us.

So, it's a trust triangle.

Alliteration, up high!

Oh, I'm sorry.
Let me try it with this hand.

You know what? Let's just not.

[Melissa] Okay, I'll tell you.

I'm afraid of...


Okay, that's actually
a pretty normal thing.

But how can you

be afraid of rollercoasters?

I've seen you walk a tightrope

over stampeding llamas.

Powdered sugar.


It was the first day of summer.

Everything seemed normal.

I'd just finished assembling
a cool science project

in my backyard.

When suddenly...

[helicopter blades whirring]



I used to love rollercoasters,

but I didn't know they could drop
from the sky and crush your dreams!

Why were you assembling a science
project on the first day of...

Melissa, you understand

that the chances of that
happening again are, like,

even less than it
happening the first time.

Lightning never strikes twice!

Milo's been struck twice.

Both times on my birthday.


Hey, I get it.

-I've got stuff I'm afraid of too.
-Like what?

It was three years ago...

My parents and I took a pontoon
up the Saskatchewan River.

I was going to the worst
place in the world.

And I didn't even know it yet.

[camera clicks]

A fish!


Son, you shouldn't
get out of the boat.

[Zack] "Never get
out of the boat."

Absolutely right.

You know, Chinese finger
traps still terrify me.

How long has that
been on your finger?


Milo! You're not supposed
to get out of the donut.

[Zack] Never get out of the donut.
Absolutely right.

Here you go,

one bag of pistachios.

You'll have to
shell them yourself,

which makes it a perfect
theme-park snack.

Especially for the guy who
has to sweep up around here.

Incidentally, that's also me.

[electric discharge]

Good afternoon, Mr... Henry.

We are inspecting all of the
pistachio stands in the area

to make sure they meet strict
governmental safety guidelines.

For instance,
is this particular stand fireproof?


Or can it withstand an
att*ck by a barnyard animal?

Pig for instance?

Or both,
what if a flaming pig attacked?

Yes! Could this cart withstand
the onslaught of a flaming pig.

Hmm? I don't think so!

I do not think so.

You're not serious.
There's no way a flaming pig...

Listen, kid. Corporate sent
us to protect these nuts.

So back off and let us do our
job, okay?

I didn't even know
there was a corporate.

[whispering] There's always a corporate.

Come on, Melissa.

-Face your fear.
-We could help.

We'll be right there with you.

Every wild turn and plummeting
drop, and gut-wrenching loop.

The over-describing is helping.

[muffled] Okay, look.

If you do it, Melissa,
I'll face my fear too.



Okay. We'll both face our fears.

What about Zack, though?

Zack, you're off the hook

due to a general lack
of fish in the area.

Right, a shame I can't
face my fear, too.

-[Melissa] I saw that!

[Milo] Come on, Melissa,

we'll start by just
looking at the ride.


That's not wood!
You pesky picidae.

Well, that was weird.

To be fair, from above,
my head does look like mahogany.



So what are you doing tonight?

You know, this is a lot
of work for one person.

Could you do something?

I could. And I am.
I'm eating pistachios.

And now I'm playing
the harmonica.

[plays harmonica]

Oh great, now it's clogged.


Good heavens, I better hurry!
Just one more bolt.

-Oh confound it! Come on!

Hey, you might wanna
hurry up with that.

-[mutters indistinctly]


If you're still alive,
can we go home now?

Negative, the window of
probability is still open.

Cool. It'll give me time
to practice the theremin.

[playing electronic music]

You know, you're right. There's absolutely
nothing to be afraid of.


I wanna b*at this.

[both] Thunder,
thunder, thunder...

[all] Thunder, thunder!


Kudos, Melissa!

The fact that you're willing to face
your fear is a tribute to your character.

You are the embodiment of
strength, of will...

And an inspiration to everyone.

Your intestinal fortitude
is truly impressive.

Milo's right.
We're both proud of you, Melissa.

You're like the Joan
of Arc of theme parks.

Wasn't Joan of Arc
b*rned at the stake?

She was!

She wasn't afraid of
rollercoasters, though.

She was not.

Oh, okay.
I guess that's reassuring.

[Milo] Just relax
and enjoy the ride!

Yeah, safe, yeah. We'll be safe.

I mean,
what could possibly go wrong?

Hey look!
The safety railing came loose.

Just like last time!

-Zack! We're on a rollerocaster with Milo!

I said...
We're on a rollercoaster with...

See this?
This is what freaks me out.

You're right Melissa,
this was a bad idea.

-I don't know what I was...

Maybe I shouldn't be
here when she gets back.

Don't worry, Melissa.

If I can do it, you can do it.

I mean, Zack's right,
it's perfectly safe!

Or as safe as can be
expected, given the height,

and the speed and Murphy's Law.

I'll stop talking now.

Oh look! The top of a plane.

-Here we...

[Melissa screaming]

[screaming continues]

[heart beating]

[Milo] Clogged artery, wait for it...

Oh, my Lord!



There, you see? Flaming pig.

I don't understand this at all.
Mea culpa. So sorry.

You were a zillion
percent right.

Mission completed.
Initiate disengagement protocol.

Roger that. What?

-[Cavendish] Take down the thing.

Hold my clarinet.

Oh, my Lord!


I know facing your fears is
scary, Milo,

but right now,
I need your fear to face mine.

Ah! It worked.

Oh, thank goodness that's over.

I don't know, Melissa,
this looks like the beginning of the ride.

Look, see there's the
top of that plane again.

Hi, plane!

We're going through
that same thing again?


No, I think this time it'll
be a little different.

[Melissa] What's that
supposed to mean?


[easy listening music playing]


[clears throat] We hope you
enjoyed Greased Thunder,

you can pick up your
LardCam photos at...

-Never mind...



Oh, that's how they work!

Ha! Now that I know your secret,
you're no longer a thr*at to me.

I wonder where Lardee
Boy's head went.


[speaking alien tongue]

It looks like we've
done a bang-up job.




Dakota, play me out.

[snaps fingers]

[playing blues]

My wheelbarrow full of fish!

All sales are final.

Thanks, guys. After that, no rollercoaster
is ever going to scare this girl again.

Yup. Nothing's going
to scare us anymore.

[high-pitched scream]

They're even scarier in bags!

♪ We're all livin' in it ♪

♪ Go, Milo Go, Milo, go ♪

♪ Oh, thanks,
Everybody That is so motivational ♪

♪ Go, Milo Go, Milo, go ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ I'm not sitting here
Watching the world turn ♪

♪ You know I'd rather spin it ♪

♪ Go, Milo Go, Milo, go ♪

♪ It's my world and
We're all livin' in it ♪
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