04x08 - Primal Perry

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Phineas and Ferb". Aired: August 2007 to November 2015.*
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Stepbrothers adventures during their summer vacation.
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04x08 - Primal Perry

Post by bunniefuu »

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

Monogram: [WHISPERING] Psst! Agent P!

I'm in here.

Sorry for the break in
protocol, but this is urgent!

Show him the photo, Carl.

Carl: [WHISPERING]
Yes, sir. Here, Agent P.


Monogram: Notice
anything unusual, Agent P?


Look closely. It's very subtle.
Here, use this.


Check out that small cluster of clouds.

It spells "Doof." And Doof
is short for Doofenshmirtz!


That cloud is directly above
the Danville Botanical Gardens,


acres of ecologically
diverse natural area.


We need you to get out there and
find out what Doof is doofing.


Here, take my membership card.

You get free parking and you'll
get % off at the gift shop


Carl: Sir! It says "non-transferable"
right at the bottom.


Monogram: Oh, Carl, they
never look at the photo.


Anyway, get out there,
Agent P, and good luck!


And make sure you stop
and smell the roses.


[SIGHS] He never stops
to smell the roses.


Carl: I know, sir.

In fact, it was the ancient Tunisians

who actually developed many of
the techniques still used today.

Wow, Buford. I didn't realize the
wedgie had such a rich history.

Help! Help, Phineas and Ferb,
and, to a lesser extent, Buford!

I am having an existential emergency!

I find myself incapable
of making decisions!

- Is that a fact? You better sit down.
- Okay.

Come to think of it, maybe your point
would be better made standing up.

- You're right.
- But then again, you look kind of tired.

You're right. I had
better... Cut it out!

How did you get into
such a state, Baljeet?

Well, I was filling out my college
early admissions forms and I...

Whoa, Baljeet! College
is, like, nine years away!

I said early.
Anyway, under personal preferences,

I could not decide whether to
select loop or string theory.

I was paralyzed with indecision!

Oh, come on, that's easy.
Loop! No, string! No... Oh.

Right? Then I started thinking
about how important it is

to make the right
decision on everything.

You see, every choice carries
with it its own potential timeline.

So every decision I make effectively
nullifies a possible future.

I cannot even choose which
flavor of ice cream to order.

If I choose vanilla, that may set
me on the path to the presidency.

But if I have strawberry,
I could get hit by a bus!

Well, it's simple then. Just
don't choose the strawberry.

You are missing the point!

I do not know that if I chose
strawberry I will get hit by a bus!

I am just saying that every decision
we make has unforeseen repercussions!

- Actually, ice cream sounds pretty good.
- Yeah, it does!

If it is okay with you,

I have prepared a little
presentation to illustrate my point.

[SYNTH POP MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Don't know which choice to choose
when people ask ♪


♪ Not sure which task to take,
or take to task ♪


♪ I don't know which is best,
or which is bad ♪


♪ I'm like a question mark,
or hanging Chad ♪


♪ Even doing nothing is
still a choice that I must make ♪


♪ I'm paralyzed by fear that
it will all become a big mistake ♪


ROBOTS: # Everything is
probable, nothing is impossible #


♪ Choices left to random
chance are highly irresponsible ♪


Baljeet: March, my little
off-the-shelf D package robots!


I do not know what to choose.

I do not want to lose.

ROBOTS: # Nothing is impossible #

I am sorry, everyone. It
sounded a lot better in my head.

Exactly what time did
you get up this morning?

What if you could make both choices?
Would that make you feel better?

Yes! And no.
I mean, I do not know.

- Ferb, I know what we're...
- Wait, let me interrupt you.

Where's Perry?

Wow, I had no idea that smoke
signals were so complicated!

Perry the Platypus, what an...

Excuse me! You are in clear
violation of the garden rules.


Docents. So, uh, what seems
to be the problem, ladies?

You are showing blatant
disregard for our signage!

Hey, it's all good, ladies.

I am a card-carrying Danville
Botanical Gardens club member.

See, here's my card,
and I'm carrying it.

Then you should know
better, Mr. Doofenshmirtz.

[GRUNTS] Hey, it's, uh, it's Doctor
Doofenshmirtz! So... Okay, bye!

See how cool I was with them? Huh?

So, Perry the Platypus, I bet you're
wondering why I haven't trapped you yet.

It's because I've hired
someone else to do it for me!

[LAUGHS] Perry the Platypus, meet
platypus hunter Liam O'Cracken!

I found him on an evil
consultant website.


[WITH AUSTRALIAN ACCENT]
Semi-aquatic, egg-laying mammals,

I can't stand the sight of 'em.

And I'll tell you why.
Do you mind?

No. You know what? Why don't
you do the backstory today?

Back in Australia, I had a good life.

But platypuses ruined everything.
You see, when I was young...

Liam's mom: Aw, does he
like his boomerang, does he?

Oh, my! Look at the
cute little platypus!

Hello there, little fella.

Hold still. That's right.

Say musk lolly!

Liam: And I never saw me mum again.

It was on that day that I
swore revenge on platypuses.

"Platypuses"?

No, no, I know, it sounds
wrong but it's actually right.

I always thought it was "platypi."

That's also acceptable. They're
vile creatures, not to be trusted.

The only mammal with
poisonous ankle barbs.

You have a poisonous ankle
barb? How come I never knew that?

Liam: But now I'm prepared!

I even have my own
poisonous ankle barbs.

And a little something
else up my sleeve.

I'd like you to meet the ladies.

This here is Nancy, Barbara,
Jill, Lauren... [CONTINUES]

[STUTTERING] In all
fairness, Perry the Platypus,

there was nothing in his
profile about, you know,

naming his boomerangs.
Even I find that a little creepy.

Liam: ...Scheherazade...

- Hey, Phineas. Whatcha doing?
- You're just in time, Isabella.

In order to help Baljeet with
his decision-making crisis,

we've built the Infinite
Probability Generator.


Once Baljeet's been through the
machine's infinite imprinter,

he'll be fundamentally
altered at the probable level.


Then, any time he comes to a place
where he has to make a choice,

he'll split into two
probability Baljeets.

Allowing him to explore the
consequences of both timelines?

Exactly, Isabella!
Hit it, Ferb!

I love it when you guys tamper
with the forces of nature.

- I know, right?
- Buford: Is science happening yet?

[VIBRATING]
I am feeling nauseated!


Yeah, that sounds like science to me.

Oh, this is so bustable!

Phineas: All right, Ferb,
let's get him out of there.

- Now how ya feelin', Baljeet?
- Effervescent and frothy.

- Just like my ma's homemade toothpaste!
- Come on, buddy, get up!

- How come he ain't split in two yet?
- Because he hasn't made a choice yet.

[BELLS RINGING] Oh, boy,
it's the ice cream guy!

Oh, I thought it was someone's phone.

Come on, Baljeet. Let's see if the
Infinite Probability Generator worked!


Howdy, Mike! My good friend Baljeet here

would like to sample your
fine frozen confections.

All right, Baljeet, what
flavor? Vanilla or strawberry?

Carpe diem, Baljeet, carpe diem!

One vanilla.

And one strawberry!

Weird! Hey, I also have banana splits!

Phineas: [CHUCKLES] Good one, Mike.

Mike: Here you go! Vanilla
and strawberry. [ENGINE STARTS]


- Now I am beside myself.
- And I like it!

[LAUGHS] That's very
clever, Second Baljeet.

This is great! Now that I have made both

choices, I will no longer miss any of...

- What do you know? I was right!
- Wow. Tough break.

Yes. But that means I am
going to become president!

- Monogram: Carl? Carl, where are you?
- Carl: I'm over here, sir.


Monogram: Well, how
did you get over there?


Carl: I was coming to see
you. Why are you over there?


Monogram: I'm trying to get out
of here. What are you trying to do?


Carl: Well, I was looking for
you so we could leave together.


Monogram: Oh, for Pete's sake!

Liam: ...Dani...
Oh, and this shiny girl


came all the way from
Greece. I call her...

- What the blazes?
- See, I told you he was good.

Now, about your refund policy...

That hat don't make you special.
You're still a platypus.

[CHATTERING]

I'm gonna make you eat
those words. Or that noise.

You and your hat are gonna make
a fine addition to my trophy room.


Trophy room? Whoa, whoa,
whoa! Hold on a second.

I just hired you to trap
Perry the Platypus, not...

Consider me off the clock, Doc.

Doofenshmirtz: [STAMMERING] Hello?

What is this? Is this a hammock?

If this is it's a hammock,
it is way too tight.


Hello? Mr. McCracken? I think
you caught me by mistake.


No mistake there, Doc. You're
either with me or you're against me.

And come to think of it, I don't
have a pharmacist on my trophy wall.

Yet.

Wait, wait, wait, [STAMMERING]
what do you mean "yet"?

I'll give you seconds' head
start before the hunt commences.

[STAMMERING] I don't even
know what you're talking about.

Who's this platypus? Why
am I handcuffed to him?

And where is Perry the Platypus?

So to recap, in order of importance,
why am I handcuffed to him?

So it'll make it easier to hunt
the both of youse. Now, run!

Okay, fair enough. [YELLS]

Wow! You know, I really
shouldn't have ignored


the % of customer feedback
that says he tends to go rogue.


So, I guess we should
introduce ourselves.


My name is Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz.

And you being a platypus, you
can't talk to tell me your... Uh...


[STAMMERING] You know, I'm
just gonna call you Steven.

Is that all right? You
look like a Steven to me.


[SNIFFING]
[GASPS]

Bacon! What luck!

I've really worked up an
appetite with all this eluding!

Whoa! It was a trap? I
did not see that coming!


All right, Nancy, don't
hold anything back, love.

What took you so long?

Buford: All right, you two,
let's get something straight here.


There'll be no messing with the Buford!

Don't make no diff how
many of you there are.

- Buford, I would never mess with you.
- Neither would I!

That's good, 'cause I
still got your number.

Or would that be numbers?
I don't know.

Hey, Baljeet, which one would
be grammatically corre...

Huh?
How rude!

Finally getting around to
spring cleaning in the summer.

First up, the fridge.

Mom! Look at this! Look
what Phineas and Ferb did!

Hello, Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher.

Oh, hello, Baljeet.
How's your mom doing?

Oh, she is doing well.

That's good. That's nice.
Would you like a snack?

Something to drink if you have it.

Let's see, I've got some
grape juice or orange juice.


- I would like grape juice.
- And orange juice.

- Mom!
- My, someone's thirsty!

Oh, there's more juice down here.

Let's see. I've got
pineapple, mango, and tomato.

- Baljeet : Pineapple!
- Baljeet : Mango!

- Baljeet : Tomato!
- Okay, Baljeet.

You weren't kidding.
You really were thirsty.

Mom!

[PANTING] I think we lost him.
You can slow down now.

I just said slow down,
I didn't say stop.

What are you looking at? Oh, no,
you we are not going... [YELLS]

Oh, that's cold!

Wow, you're like a little
motorboat there, Steven! [GURGLING]

[GASPS] Wow, Steven!
That was sweet!

You're really good at
that... that barb thing.

What? Why are you turning around?
Oh, don't go back that way.

That put-me-on-the-trophy-wall
guy is back there.

Oh, I see, a waterfall. Just in time
for commercial. Isn't that convenient?


What's that all about, anyway? It's not
a cliff-faller, it's called a cliffhanger.

And here we are, falling, and watch,
watch, watch, here we go. Wait.

Yep, yep, see, there
you go, fading to black.

Liam: I know you're
down there, you platypus.


And I'm gonna find ya.

[PANTING]
Hey, hang on there, Steven!

I'm tired of running.

And I don't mean tired like
I need to sit down for a while.

[STAMMERING] I mean, although I am tired
and I do need to sit down after all,

but I mean I'm fed up with that guy.

With your animal instincts and
my vast knowledge of science,

I think we can make a stand!

What do you say? Are you with me?

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[SNIFFS]

[CHOMPS]

Groovy.

I wonder if the others
would like some juice.


- We should take some out to them.
- What about Buford?

- Indeed. What about Buford?
- What has he ever done for us?

- You mean, to us.
- Yeah, he can get his own juice.

- ALL: Yeah!
- The jerk!


Oh, hello, boys. Are we
having a party, Baljeet?

And Baljeet, and...
Wait a moment.

If he's Baljeet, then you must be...

ALL: Baljeet.

Well, all right, then. Carry on.

So, we all agree.
No juice for Buford.

Yeah! No juice for Buford.
Come on!

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[CREAKING]

Now, what's all this, then?

All right, Jill, something's not right.
Be a love and have a look around.

Jill? Jill? Where are you?

Oh, there you are!
I thought maybe you'd taken off on me.

What the blazes?

[GROANING]

[GROANING]

Yeah! [LAUGHS]

We did it, Steven! High five!

Ha! So you think you've
bested old Liam and his ladies?

Sue begs to differ.

I call this one Sharpay,
'cause she's sharp, eh?

[FRUSTRATED GROWL]

Oh, it's all right, Sharpay,
I'll give you another chance.

Whoa!
[GROANING]

That's me girl!

Ooh! Ow! Steven!

- Help!
- This looks like a job for Natasha.

[STRAINING]

Okay, Mom, I'm gonna going to replicate
the anomaly right in front of you.

Fine. What is it, Candace?

Look closely. How many Baljeets
do you see standing here?

One, Candace. There is
only one Baljeet after all.

Why, thank you, Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher.
That is very kind of you to say.

She's talking numbers, kid.
Don't get a big head.

Okay, Mom, now watch what happens
when he has to make a choice.

Baljeet, would you like some
grapes or this chocolate bar?

Grapes, please.

That's really great, Candace. Now
I got to get back to the fridge.

- I don't get it. What happened?
- I just really wanted grapes.

[FRUSTRATED GROWLING]

There's no sign of him.

Well, Doc, it looks
like it's just you and...

Ow! What the blazes?

"Danville Botanical Garden"?

Doofenshmirtz: Steven! You came back!

That's right! % off in the gift shop.
Nice going, Steven!

Okay, then.
Teresa One and Teresa Two,

let's teach this platypus some manners.

[YELLING]

Very clever. But let's see how
you do against the seven sisters!

Looks like it's time to
break out Toni, with an "I."


- He's always giving us a hard time.
- But he says he is our friend.

- Would a friend steal your bike?
- To be fair, he stole everyone's bike.

And what about the time he drank
all the water out of our fish t*nk?

Something's going on over there.
The Baljeets seem to be gathering.

Well, I don't like the looks of that.

Gatherings have a habit
of turning into mobs.

And mobs rarely make good decisions.

Oh, come on. Couldn't a
gathering just a as easily

turn into a shindig or a hootenanny?

Under normal circumstances,
I'd say yes, but this one

seems to have a "Storming of
the Bastille" sort of vibe.

[SYNTH POP MUSIC PLAYING]

See? They're playing
music. It is a hootenanny.

♪ Decisions are much easier
When made en masse ♪


♪ No one accountable
No fear of loss ♪


♪ Because there's more of us
You will obey ♪


♪ You do not have a choice
Do what we say ♪


♪ It's only mob mentality
You do not understand it fully ♪


♪ Put together nerds
And you can make a giant bully ♪


♪ Buford is in trouble now
See the sweat upon his brow ♪


♪ Our numbers are superior
Surrender, we will not allow ♪


♪ Buford is in trouble now
See the sweat upon his brow ♪


♪ Our numbers are superior
Surrender, we will not allow ♪


[Buford SCREAMING]

♪ Buford is in trouble now See the sweat
upon his brow Our numbers are superior... ♪


Huh. So that's what
comeuppance looks like.

[GASPS] Lauren!

You put her down!

Platypuses can't throw boomerangs.

[GRUNTING]

[GROWLS]

[GRUNTS]

[GASPS]

[PANTING]

Ow!

[GRUNTS]

[PANTING] Phineas! Ferb!

You've got to save me!
They've all gone crazy!

It's the mob mentality. Once it
gets rolling, nothing can stop it.

Mom! They're back! All the
Baljeets are after Buford!

What do you mean "after,"
Candace?

- "After" like they're going to get him!
- Baljeet picking on Buford?

Candace, Buford outweighs
Baljeet by, like, hamburgers.

Now, take it easy, buddies.
This is really a bad decision.

Let's be rational about this.

- Okay, everyone...
- ALL BaljeetS: Get him!

Okay, boys, break it up.
What's going on out here?

You missed it! There
were, like, of 'em!

It is okay, Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher.

We were just talking about how
easy it is to make a bad decision.

All right, but play nice.

- Okay, Mom.
- Who wants pie?

Now that's a decision
we can all agree on.

Okay, okay, I give up!
[LOW WHIRRING]

You've got some skills,
platypus, I'll give you that.


But there's one thing you
should know about my gals.

They always come back!

[LAUGHS] Got you!

My greatest hunt ever ends right here!

Doofenshmirtz: Stop what
you're doing, McCracken!


Step away from the platypus!

Liam: Doofenshmirtz!

I'd like you to meet my
ladies, Ruth and Esther!

Ugh, docents!

Oh, not again!

I'll be right back.
I know how to handle these ladies.

Uh, this sign must have
just been installed.


I've never seen it before.

Nice try, Liam, but this is your
third infraction in as many weeks!

Hand over your membership card!

What?
Well, let's not get crazy now.

All your garden privileges
have been revoked for days.

Esther will escort you off the grounds.

But I can't leave!
It's my natural habitat!

Your file says you're from Pittsburgh.

[WITHOUT AUSTRALIAN ACCENT]
But it's not my fault! It's him!

It's the platypus you want!

- Oh, look how cute he is!
- Whoa!

What a handsome platypus!

Monogram: There has got
to be a way out of here.


- Carl: Major Monogram?
- Monogram: Yes, Carl?


Carl: [STAMMERING] I want
you to meet my cousin, Larry.


Monogram: Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You got out of the vent,


found your cousin and
brought him back in here?


Carl: Well, I didn't have to
find him. We had a lunch date.


- He was waiting for me...
- Monogram: Why on Earth would


you bring him back into the vent?

- Carl: 'Cause I wanted you to meet him.
- Larry: Plus, I really like vents.


Monogram: Mutual, I'm sure.

- How are you feeling, buddy?
- Oddly enough, I feel the same.

But I am not worried about
making choices anymore.

Well, it's nice to
have you back, Baljeet.

I agree. It's nice to have
you back. One of you back.

Buford, do I detect true
sentiment in your voice?

- You do realize I'm holding a pie here.
- I retract my mocking tone.

Perry the Platypus!
Oh, this is perfect!

I want you to meet my new
friend, Steven the Platypus.

You guys...
Huh? He's gone!

I didn't even get a
chance to say goodbye.

[GASPS] Steven! We were
just talking about you!

Hey, I'd like you to meet Per...
Now where did he go?

Aw, I really wanted you to meet him.
Hey, maybe you know him!

It's not that I think platypuses
all know each other or anything,

it's just that I thought that
maybe you might, you know,

run in the same crowd or something.
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