01x10 - Pier Pressure

[bunniefuu]

Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything... and the one son who had no choice... but to keep them all together.

It's Arrested Development.

MAN [NARRATING]: Michael Bluth was talking to his son about his latest test.

-A-minus, huh? -Proud of me?

Very proud... minus.

Better go hit the books again. Get up there.

C-minus. "C" M-I-N-E-S.

-Did you even study? -No, I didn't.

Wow. How impressive is that?

The bar for the refrigerator has been lowered, huh?

Oh, grades are meaningless.

Maeby's last school didn't even have them.

Back in Boston...

Maeby's parents had enrolled her in a progressive school... with its own system of evaluation.

All I'm saying is that you might want to push her a little bit.

A kid without discipline can get into some pretty tough stuff.

You think she's gonna suddenly turn to dr*gs 'cause she got a C-plus?

Minus. And, yes, I think that, without boundaries, a kid can get into trouble.

Yeah, sometimes that could mean dr*gs.

I think stress is what leads to trouble... the kind you put on George Michael, even when he gets an "A."

Minus. An "A" gets him ice cream. He knows that.

You're as bad as Dad with his ridiculous lessons.

NARRATOR: George Sr. had used his considerable means... to stage intricate scenarios... to teach his children what he considered valuable life lessons.

-I need help. -I'll get my gear.

NARRATOR: Typically, these scenarios would involve a man named J. Walter Weatherman... a one-time employee who lost his arm...

-in a Bluth Company construction accident. -[WHIMPERS]

-Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? -We're out of milk.

I could have got it earlier if someone would have left a note.

-[TIRES SCREECH] -Oh. -[GRUNTS]

[ALL SCREAMING]

Why? If someone had left a note... this-this innocent man would still have his arm.

-Why? -[CONTINUE SCREAMING]

[RASPING] And that's why you always leave a note.

Those lessons worked, didn't they? We still leave notes to this day.

Oh, that's what that was about.

I thought he was trying to get us off dairy.

-I need a favor. -What happened to, "Hello. I need a favor"?

I owe Hot Cops 500 bucks.

"Hot Cops"? -It's the stripping agency I used to work for.

-Cop uniform. -Right.

I might have been just a little too believable.

-[POUNDING] -Police! Open up!

[SHOTGUN BLAST]

Anyway, they're claiming that I never delivered on the gig.

-I'm not an A.T.M. -I keep forgetting how hilarious you are.

-Shh, shh, shh! You're making it worse. -Am I?

I'm gonna give you the cash, but, in return, I get to ask you for a favor sometime.

My gut is telling me "No," but my gut is also very hungry.

All right. I'll do it.

NARRATOR: Michael then left for his mother's apartment... where she greeted him with some not-so-surprising news.

-I need a favor. -We ought to put that on our family crest.

-[LAUGHING] Oh, Michael... -Spare me.

The S.E.C. is making me inventory everything I own.

They want me to prove no new purchases have been made with company money.

-And there haven't been, right? -Not after we doctor all these receipts.

I can't help you, Mom. I've got a job.

I gotta make some money so you can buy more things and destroy the evidence.

You're right. I'll ask Lindsay.

[DOOR CLOSES]

-Hey, Buster. -Hey, Brother.

-You headed over to your girlfriend's? -Yeah. She's down again.

NARRATOR: Buster's girlfriend, Lucille Austero, suffers from chronic vertigo... which she has been trying to fight without the use of medication.

Her nausea's gotten really bad. It's really been difficult on us.

It's definitely taking its toll.

You know you're free to go. It's not like you made a commitment to this woman.

Well, I didn't make a "commitment."

-I did refer to it as our nausea. -Mm.

But you know, that's when we were goin' at it really hot and heavy.

Well, now it's my nausea.

NARRATOR: Later, Lucille stopped by the model home...

NARRATOR: Later, Lucille stopped by the model home... to enlist her daughter's help cataloging her valuables.

-I can't. -Why not?

-Because I'm... Don't want to. -[SIGHS]

Maybe I don't feel like being criticized around-the-clock.

I don't criticize you. And if you're worried about criticism... sometimes a diet is the best defense.

-Oh, hey, Gangy. -Hi.

-D-plus. Sign this. -This is a D-minus.

-Either way, it's above a "D," right? -Another world-beater.

NARRATOR: And Lindsay realized she needed to take a firmer hand with her daughter.

-I'm not signing this. -Fine. I will.

Is "Lindsay" with an "A" or an "E"?

Okay, I know you got a "crocodile" in spelling, but this has gone too far.

I hate to say it, but Michael might be right.

You need to learn a little discipline.

Hmm. Nope, that doesn't feel right.

No, no, no. I'm telling you.

You are now punished. I punish thee.

Are you serious?

What could you possibly come up with that would punish me?

Oh, I have to come up with another thing?

Oh, Lindsay, before I go, I just have one word for you.

"Sleeves."

You're going to spend the day working for your grandmother.

No. No, that's not the answer, because you...

What? No! You stupidjerk! Why don't...

Dumb. Dumb. Dumb, George Michael.

-Dumb, dumb. -Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Calm down, you two. It's just a math problem.

If I fail math, there goes my chance at a good job... and a happy life full of hard work, like you always say.

[SIGHS] Maybe I'm pushing you too hard.

You're all stressed-out. Your eyes are all red.

Why don't you take the night off. Just shut the book.

Go ahead. Just close the book.

Go ahead.

Your finger is still in the book.

George Michael.

NARRATOR: Buster, meanwhile, was still worried about Lucille 2... whose condition seemed to be worsening.

You okay? How's your nausea?

[MOANING] "Our."

I mean, our... our nausea.

NARRATOR: He remembered a study he took part in... on medical marijuana and its effects on nausea.

The subject took the drug in the form of a T.H.C. pill.

Nausea was then induced with a day at the carnival... which is what attracted Buster to the experiment in the first place.

Buster was found two days later... trying to eat his way through this enormous plaster donut.

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE] -So Buster went to the toughest, most streetwise kid he knew.

-Tell your friends. -Hey, Nephew. I was looking for you at your home.

-Dad told me to take the day off, so I decided to come into work. -Oh.

-I thought maybe you could help me get some weed. -[UTENSIL CLATTERS]

It's not for me. It's for Lucille 2, my girlfriend.

She's your girlfriend? Dad said you were her nurse.

Look, she's sick. This could help her.

Pillform would actually be fantastic.

I could put it on a tea biscuit, tell her it's a marshmallow.

I have no idea where to get something like that. What makes you think I would?

You work here. This place is pot central, right?

NARRATOR: In the '70s, the boardwalk was the place... to buy marijuana in Newport Beach.

The stand served as a convenient meeting place... because of the banana's resemblance to a yellow marijuana cigarette.

-It had even inspired a song. -? Big yellowjoint The big yellowjoint?

♪ I'll meet you down at the big yellowjoint ♪ I'm sorry. I can't help you. Why don't you just ask Uncle Gob?

Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?

No. No. He'd never do it.

Besides, he always makes fun of me for dating Lucille.

-Everybody does. -That's horrible.

You could tell Gob for me, but you can't tell him it's for me.

-You can't tell anybody. -I'm working. -George Michael.

What are you doing here? I thought I told you to take the day off.

-There's nothing to do. Maeby's at Gangy's. -Find something to do.

Go make mistakes, get in trouble... be young.

Yes! I totally agree. Make a mistake.

Here. Here's 20 bucks. I want you to close up shop and go crazy.

Go find yourself something to buy that you don't need.

Absolutely. Here. Take 225 from me.

♪ Big yellowjoint Big yellowjoint ♪

♪ I'll meet you down at the big yellowjoint ♪

NARRATOR: Maeby was working with her grandmother.

And this is from when your Pop-Pop yelled out, "Oh, Melanie..."

When he was making love to Gangy.

This is so much fun. I can't believe my mom thought being here would be a punishment.

Oh, she thinks I'm too critical. That's another fault of hers.

[GASPS] Ah, yes.

The week we had the au pair.

You know, your mother always wanted this brooch.

-Really? -Do you want it?

I do now. That'll show her for trying to punish me.

Oh. Pretty. It'll distract from the freckles.

[SEAGULLS SQUAWKING]

NARRATOR: George Michael nervously approached the family yacht...

Gob had been staying on.

-Uncle Gob? -NARRATOR: When he saw the yacht was empty...

George Michael... as he'd been trained to do since childhood... left a note.

Back at the model home...

Gob showed Michael the note he'd found at the dock.

-No. This can't be from my son. -It is his handwriting.

Plus he left me $200.

$100.

100. I accidentally said 200. I don't know...

-This is impossible. Why would he do this? -I know. I was shocked.

Really, a hundred dollars. You can't get good weed for a hundred bucks.

-[SIGHS] -Anyway, here you go.

Now we are even on you paying off that Hot Cops thing.

-Might just be a few stems... -Get that out of this house. What's the matter with you?

Maybe you should save the lectures for your son... if he can remember them.

I speak to Lindsay one time about her hippie parenting, and I end up with a hippie.

-It does seem pretty quick. -For all I know, this has been goin' on forever.

He's been stressed, his eyes have been red, his grades are dropping.

-Heard about the A-minus. -I'm gonna go find out what's going on.

-Hey, what you doin'? -Nothing.

No? So, listen, your, uh, your Uncle Gob... seems to think that he saw you down at the docks today.

-Was that you? -No, no.

Maybe it was the other George Michael... the singer-songwriter.

-Yeah, that makes sense. -Yeah.

What'd you do with the, um... with the money Buster and I gave you to go have fun with?

I put that in my savings account.

-Is that right? -Yeah. Save up.

-Okay. Thanks for being honest. -Yeah.

He's lying to me. Can you believe that?

Where the hell is this family's morality?

I don't know.

-What... -It's cold out here. [COUGHS]

What do I do now? If I confront him, he's gonna lie to me again.

-Should I yell at him? -Didn't Dad teach us that we don't yell in this family?

-[KIDS YELLING] -Tell me before you hit the gas.

-[YELLING CONTINUES] -I can't hear you!

The kids are yelling.

Tell me before you hit the gas.

I guess you're saying, "Hit the gas."

-[ENGINE REVS] -Don't! Wait! No!

-[SCREAMS] -[KIDS SCREAMING]

-That's why you don't yell. -[LAUGHING]

Yeah, yelling's not a good way to go.

-I got a better idea. -[METAL DOOR SLAMS]

You wanna teach George Michael a lesson?

Yes, I do, and it's gotta stick. He's getting into dr*gs, Dad, and he's lying to me.

That doesn't sound like the boy.

It's my fault. I've been pushing him too hard.

-It's just... Dumb, dumb. Dumb, Michael. -Hey, hey.

-Dumb. -Shh, shh, shh. I forgive you.

I don't want your forgiveness. I want the guy with the one arm and the fake blood.

-J. Walter Weatherman... how do I get a hold of him? -He's, uh, dead.

You k*lled him when you left the door open with the air conditioner running.

For God's sake. He's not dead. I need to do this soon, tonight.

Down by the docks... I'm gonna make it like a drug deal went bad.

Tonight? No. It's Yontif. It's the first night of Yom Kippur.

Dad, that's just... That's one night, and it's back in September.

That's okay. You've only been a Jew about two days.

-Just try to talk to him. -Like you talked to me when I was growing up?

-I thought you hated those lessons. -I did, but they worked.

-And they will work again. -Well, I'm done with them, because it was wrong, Michael.

-Come on. -Your son is a timid, thoughtful boy.

He's a scholar, like his grandfather.

What time is it? Oh, almost sundown.

I have to prepare for the Sabbath.

-It's Tuesday. -Shh, shh, shh.

NARRATOR: Lindsay went to see how her own attempt at parental discipline was coming along.

So, having fun?

-Where'd you get that brooch? -Gangy. Nice, huh?

That was supposed to be for me. She was my au pair.

I'm the one who cleared my throat and pointed to the laundry room.

Ma! You know I wanted that.

I know, but it's an elephant... and I didn't want to invite the comparison.

Nice.

In any event, your punishment is over. Come on. Let's go.

She's not going anywhere. We're having fun.

-Here, Maeby. Try this on. -I see.

Fine. I was gonna take her out for ice cream... but if you'd rather stay here, well, that's just fine with me.

[DOOR CLOSES]

We could go get some ice cream, Gangy.

-That would be fun, right? -I don't think so.

That chubby little wrist of yours... is testing the tensile strength of this bracelet as it is.

NARRATOR: Maeby decided that perhaps she'd had enough ofher grandmother.

Maeby. Maeby?

Hey, Gob. It's Michael. I figured out a way for you to repay that favor.

Dad wouldn't help me teach George Michael the lesson... so I need your help and your Hot Cop friends.

-I wanna fake a drug bust. -Michael, these guys are real dancers.

They've never done any hot policing.

They don't even need to be hot. They just need to show up in those uniforms.

NARRATOR: And so, Michael's plan was put into motion.

-Where have you been? -What?

I am like a caged animal.

My old lady's on the floor, man.

I am not s-ing around.

Yeah. Gob just called. He's got the stuff at the yacht.

-Oh, great. Let's go. -No. I think my dad's onto this.

-I'm out. I'm not... -Whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on.

Gob will never give it to me.

My woman is sick. Please?

NARRATOR: Later that night, Michael made the final arrangements with Gob.

All right, Gob, is this gonna be believable?

I want him scared. I love this kid.

These guys are pros. They're gonna push the tension... to the last possible moment before they strip.

They're not going to strip, are they?

I told them not to, but I can't promise that their instincts won't kick in.

-Unbelievable. -Trust me. It's gonna be totally real.

This kind of thing goes on all the time out here.

Boats wait offshore, lights are flashed.

A guy comes over and drops off a bag.

It's gonna freak the little bastard out.

NARRATOR: Michael went off to hide... while Buster and George Michael arrived as planned.

I really appreciate you doing this for me.

You're making a very miserable person happy.

She really feels awful, huh?

Oh. Oh, I was talking about me.

But, yeah, she's a mess. Be careful.

-Uncle Gob? -George Michael.

-You weren't followed, were you? -No, I don't think so.

All right, kid.

Let's deal some dr*gs.

-[SWITCH CLICKING] -What are you doin'?

Flashing the lights... so the dealer knows what's goin' down.

-Now we wait. -How long?

Who knows? An hour.

-Maybe five. -MAN: Drug delivery!

You wanted some marijuana?

No, not me. My nephew did.

[CHUCKLES] Show me the money.

-Show us the pot. -I got it right here.

-Oh, my God. -Nice, right?

Okay, you can put your shirt down, Derek. Just give him the stuff.

So. We have a deal.

We have a deal.

-MAN: He's ruining his life! -? [DANCE]

-MAN 2: Police officers! Freeze! -What? Oh, no! It's the cops!

-And a construction worker. -Let's get this party started.

-Aren't you guys gonna cuff him? -You wanted handcuffs?

All right. George Michael, I hope you learned your lesson, pal.

-[HOT COPS CHEERING] -? [CONTINUES]

-[WHOOPING, CHEERING] -Okay.

-Okay, all right. Thank you. Thank you. -? [STOPS]

-What is this? -This is a lesson.

Maybe I pushed you into this, but...

I love you too much to see you ruin your life with that crap.

-But it wasn't for me. -Then who was it for?

Who? Give me a name.

-Okay, it was for me. -Yeah.

I was gonna smoke the marijuana like a cigarette.

-Now you're looking at a nice big, fat punishment. -[FOOTSTEPS RUNNING]

I'm sorry. Excuse me. I'm sorry. Ooh! Uh...

-What are you doing here? -The, uh... The boy was lookin' out for me.

-What? -It-It's for my girlfriend. She's sick.

Why don't you just wait it out? She's gonna be gone soon. [LAUGHING]

-Oh, that's it. -Hey!

Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?

-Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? -Hey! Buster!

What's the matter with you? Easy.

Is that true? Why didn't you tell me this?

You're always telling me to do the right thing... put family first.

You know, it is unbelievable that you'd ask my son to score you pot.

Why don't you drive him home, and you and I will talk about this later.

-Go ahead. Go with Buster. -I'm sorry.

-Hey, what are you guys doin'? -MAN: We got your signal. You flashed the lights.

We got the dr*gs. You got the money?

No, no. No, no, no, no. We're all good.

MAN: We just want the money, You wanna make this ugly?

We were just teaching the young fellow a lesson. We don't want any trouble with you.

-Thanks very much. -Do you know who you're dealin' with?

-[SIREN WAILS] -MAN: Drop the boxes! Put your hands in the air.

-What is this? -GOB: We had nothin' to do with this!

-You set us up! -No, no! These are just strippers!

-Look how hot they are! -Everybody take a breath!

-[ALL SHOUTING, INDISTINCT] -[g*nshots]

MAN: Oh, my God! My arm!

Oh, my God! This guy's arm...

just came off and landed on the dock.

NARRATOR: Michael realized that his father had, once again... taught him an elaborate lesson.

And that's why you don't teach lessons to your son.

How could you do that to me?

I told you he's a good kid. You should try talking to him when you think he's in trouble.

Don't make the same mistake I did, you know... teaching lessons.

So you taught me a lesson not to teach lessons?

[SIGHS] It was my last lesson.

-NARRATOR: Back home. -Back from your wonderful time with Gangy?

Well, actually, it wasn't so wonderful. She can be kinda nasty.

But I'll tell you somethin'.

I'm glad you're my mom.

Oh, um, I got you something.

-You're giving me this? -You deserve it.

I can't believe you had to put up with her your whole life.

Honey, this is so sweet.

Let's celebrate and go shopping.

-You knew the whole time, didn't you? -Kind of.

One of the Hot Cops is my choir teacher.

I'm sorry about all this. It's just you were so stressed out... and I guess I got scared and...

I should learn to talk with you a little bit more, huh?

-I think we're okay. -We are, aren't we?

You know there's nothing you can't be totally honest with me about.

You can say anything to me, anything at all.

Like, say, I had a crush on my own cousin.

Hey. [SNORTS]

-You just taught me a lesson. -Oh.

-? Big yellowjoint The big yellowjoint? -All right. We're even.

♪ I'll meet you down at the big yellowjoint ♪