01x22 - Let 'Em Eat Cake

[bunniefuu]

Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything... and the one son who had no choice... but to keep them all together.

It's Arrested Development.

Low-carb diets are sweeping the nation... but some local businesses are being left in the dust.

-And the latest on Iraq... -Hey, George Michael.

They're gonna show that interview you did. We're gonna watch it on Thursday, okay?

-I'll make some popcorn. -Popcorn? Really? Cool.

-Yeah, the hell with Atkins, huh? -Oh. Yeah.

Oh, why blow it now? I'll fry up some bacon.

Uh, Dad...

Buddy, you gotta take it easy, okay?

I'm showing this as a model again.

I don't want people to think we've got shoddy workmanship.

That might not have been your fault.

I know. Nothing works in this house.

-Tell me about it. -Is that a sh*t at me?

-Probably. -Because for your information, I got a job.

-Really? What kind of job? -Beads.

-Bees? -Beads. -Beads?

-Gob's not on board. -Beads are very big right now.

Uh, anklets, necklaces, you name it.

-Bracelets? -But I'll need some start-up money.

I'm in. But we're gonna need a lot.

Beads aren't cheap. Are beads cheap?

Gob, shouldn't you be in bed?

Well, we got a meeting with Dad's attorney today.

He's gonna want me to take a lie-detector test... to use as evidence in Dad's trial, but, uh, I don't want to.

What if they ask about a magic trick? I just... I can't risk it.

They're not gonna ask you anything. They want me to take the polygraph test.

But... I'm the oldest.

-The matriarch, if you will. -Sure. I will.

Listen, I have to do this to help out Dad, and you don't know anything about our business.

Gob, I'm not looking for a partner. And, believe me, if I was, it would not be you.

Oh. Good.

Well, I'll start my own business. How hard can it be?

Z-z-z-z-z!

Bz-z-z-z-z-z!

We'll see who brings in more honey.

[BUZZING]

-He's thinking about bees again. -Oh.

I'm not just gonna cut you a check so you can throw it away on another failed business.

Hey, "Mommy, What Will I Look Like?" should have worked.

MAN [NARRATING]: Lindsay had once started a photo-enhancing service... which gave new parents a glimpse at what their infants would look like... in half a century.

Hey, you put an ugly kid in, you can't be surprised when an ugly adult comes out.

Look, I need to become self-reliant. It's not gonna last with Tobias.

He's completely oblivious. He's got no idea how I'm feeling or thinking.

-So there's no sex? -I mean, how do you not have sex with me?

It is a struggle. I'll tell you what.

I'll help you out, but you gotta work.

Great. Before you know it, I'll be in the red.

And you can take that to the bank.

I'm sure they'll contact me first.

NARRATOR: And that's when Michael got a call that made him wish... he hadn't promised his sister the money.

Hello.

Kitty?

And later, the family waited for Michael at the prison meeting room.

-How do you make money from it? -I don't know. Honey?

-Or just as gifts. -Who'd want a bee as a gift?

While Buster and Annyong waitedjust outside.

-Come on. Just let me have one bite. -No.

Mother said no carbohydrate for you if you ever gonna... get girlfriend that's not old lady.

-At least I can get a girlfriend. -I can get a girlfriend before you.

-Oh, we'll see about that. -Why aren't you in there?

Oh, I was just keeping Annyong company.

Give me that bagel, you little... [BEEPS] Give it to me! [BEEPS]

Whoa! Our star witness! Come here.

Good to see you. You know what? Don't get too close to me.

'Cause I've got an itch you can't believe. I think something laid eggs on me.

-Thanks for the heads-up. -That's okay. We've got your polygraph set for tomorrow.

-About that... -I'll tell them, Michael.

I won't do it. I'm afraid of what I might know.

You? No one wants you. Does anyone want him?

-Who would want him? -They don't want you.

-Good. -I might not be the best witness either.

-I got a phone call from Kitty this morning. -His secretary?

-My secretary. -She says that she's got some evidence... and she's threatening to bring down the company unless we meet her demands.

GOB: Oh, that is just great.

And now I'm expected to climb back on top of Kitty and do my thing again.

I mean, this family runs into problems, it's...

"Oh, let's have Gob [BEEPS] our way out of it."

-What is the matter with you? -It's me that she wants to meet with, Gob.

Oh. Good.

Now, what does she have, Dad? I need to know.

No, you can't know. We got to keep you nice and clean, Michael.

-Especially if you're going to take that lie detector test. -He is absolutely right.

GEORGE: Find out what Kitty wants andjust give it to her... but don't find out what she knows.

Michael, you can save this business.

You are the only one who can do it.

Yeah, besides me, right? But I kind of got my hands full with these babies.

-He's got bees! -No bees!

-Get it! -[JAR ROLLING]

They don't allow you to have bees in here.

NARRATOR: And business was slow at the banana stand...

-when George Michael made a new friend. -Hi.

-Hi. -Are bananas high in carbohydrates?

Oh, you're on Atkins too?

Uh, yeah. Actually, that's, um... that's why I'm gonna be on... on TV.

-You are? -I was interviewed for Hindsight, with John Beard.

I, uh, I gave them a joke, but I don't know if they're gonna use it.

You know, thanks to this diet craze, the last time we had a customer... the banana stand was still green.

Lose it. No, lose the whole kid. We'll just go with the Iraq piece.

-That's so cool. -I guess.

GIRL: You wanna watch over at my house?

Yeah, I guess.

NARRATOR: And Michael headed off to meet Kitty.

Their last meeting had ended poorly.

Say good-bye to your company, Michael.

-And say good-bye to these. -No, no, no, no.

So Michael was understandably anxious about their reunion.

Guess I do get to see them again, huh? [CHUCKLES]

Can we please have one conversation that's not about my rack, Michael?

-Yeah. -Maybe a better question would be... what evidence do I have against you, because...

No, no, no. I don't... I don't wanna know.

I just want to know what you want.

I'd like to be in charge of the Bluth Company.

Well, I want a hamburger and French fries, but I can't have the bun or potatoes. Get real.

I deserve it. Your father promised it to me on the day he went to prison.

Sounds like something that he would do.

And if I can't be in charge, then I'm going to have to tell the entire world... that your father was building houses overseas...

-without paying... -Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop, stop. Stop.

Act... No. Finish. Finish. Um, without paying what? Taxes?

Model houses, Michael. Overseas.

And he hid it... [WHISPERING] from the U.S. government.

That's it? That's what my dad's been hiding... back taxes?

And unless you plan on paying them... your dad's gonna be in prison for a long time.

No, we'll pay them. Forget it. We'll just... We'll mortgage the company if we have to.

We found money for those. We'll find money for taxes. Good to see ya.

Yeah. If I was in charge, that would have been my first move too.

NARRATOR: As Michael returned home, George Michael was heading out... to meet the girl from the banana stand.

Great news. The business is gonna be okay.

Yeah, I thought bananas would be okay on the diet.

No, I meant... Well... You haven't been eating those, have you?

-No. No. Not at all. Just some nuts. -Good. Those are fine.

What I meant was, I think we're gonna be seeing Pop-Pop sooner than we thought.

Huh? Does that sound good?

-Do you hear that rattle? -It is very worrisome.

-Hey, what the hell are you doing? -Great news, Michael.

We're thinking of purchasing a Bluth model home.

-And let's check the oven. -[CLATTERING]

Whoa! That doesn't inspire confidence.

Lindsay, the bead business taking off, is it?

Actually, I am the breadwinner, Michael, as it turns out.

I was walking in a strange place today... a place I'd never set foot in before.

NARRATOR: Tobias, walking down a street he'd been down many times... saw a book he'd written years earlier as a psychiatrist.

The book, initially unsuccessful, had suddenly caught fire... although, strangely, only in the gay community.

The book is huge. And I have a bit of money coming my way as a result.

So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go upstairs and run the shower.

Let me know if it's too loud in the kitchen.

Okay, honey.

So, your husband comes into some money, and suddenly he's not so oblivious anymore, huh?

Hey, now, this is not me being shallow, Michael.

He's written a self-help book that's helping people.

-That does take some insight. -Listen.

This better not mean you're blowing off the bead store.

Well, uh, seeing as though you brought it up, maybe we should get out of this investment.

-I mean, seriously, Michael... beads? -I knew you'd do this.

You work for three seconds, and you find something easier and grab it.

It's "Dip-A-Pet" all over again.

NARRATOR: Lindsay also had a brief foray into what she had then hoped...

-Come back here! -would be the burgeoning fad of custom pet coloring.

Well, that would've worked if you'd sprung for a bigger sink.

George Michael, our show's about to start.

-He went out on his date. -A date?

But we had plans to... A date with who?

Some girl. I mean, she barely has a face. You couldn't pick her out of a lineup of one.

MAN [ON TV]: But first, the palaces of Iraq.

Trisha, tell us about these new mini-palaces of S*ddam's you've discovered.

Our troops have been living here for the last few days... and, as you can tell, they've made themselves right at home.

Now, a lot of this damage is just due to shoddy workmanship... but the real surprise here is that these homes... appear to be American-built to begin with.

There have been sanctions against doing business... with Hussein's regime since the early '90s...

-so who built them? -Does that look a little like our kitchen island?

Well, whoever it is, they're in a world of trouble.

NARRATOR: Michael realized that his father's crimes... might be bigger than he thought.

There's a good chance I may have committed some light treason.

This might even be considered light treason.

Oh, my God.

NARRATOR: Michael had just found out his father might have committed...

NARRATOR: Michael had just found out his father might have committed... some light treason by building model homes in Iraq.

And he tried to get a hold of Kitty, who he knew had the evidence.

Unfortunately, Kitty was meeting with Gob at the time.

-What about hash browns? -No, because hash browns are potatoes.

So you really can't eat anything on this diet.

Wow. Wonder how this is gonna affect my honey business?

Gob, I have seen you get passed over... time and time again by your family.

You don't deserve that. You're smarter than them.

What about macaroni... let me finish... salad?

Gob, this is your time.

With my help, knowing what I know...

-we could take over the Bluth Company together. -Wow!

This is a side of you I'd never noticed before.

Have they always been that big?

NARRATOR: And the next day, Michael went to his mother's.

I saw an exposé on the Iraq palaces last night... and I could have sworn that one of them was the Sea Wind unit.

That's funny. I always pictured Iraq in the middle of the desert.

Dad sold houses to the Iraqis, didn't he?

And this is what you kept from me so I could take the polygraph test.

Tell me the truth, okay? 'Cause there's been a lot of lying in this family.

And a lot of love.

-More lies. -Look, I never knew about anything.

But I had my suspicions.

He never told me where he was going... but he used to come back from those business trips reeking of lamb.

And people would send figs... not even at Christmas.

In the middle of October.

Oh, and once, someone sent him a toe... and he went white as a sheet.

-I think you're right, Michael. -[DOOR OPENS]

Zero hour, Michael. It's the end of the line.

I'm the first born. Sick of playing second fiddle.

Always third in line for everything. Tired of finishing fourth.

Being the fifth wheel.

There are six things I'm mad about...

-and I'm taking over. -You want to be in charge?

-Yeah. -You want to deal with what I deal with... a sister who takes your money and throws it away; a mother who you can't trust; a company whose founder may be on trial for treason...

Is that what you want?

-What kind of vacation time does it offer? -Yeah.

NARRATOR: Gob realized that the power play he promised to make with Kitty...

-had perhaps come at a bad time. -I've made a huge mistake.

And Tobias was having his first book reading.

And Tobias was having his first book reading.

And, for the ease of the reader, I have changed all the gender-related pronouns...

"he," "she"... to the masculine "he."

"The Man Inside Me. For Lindsay, my rock.

I could not have done this without him."

NARRATOR: And Lindsay arrived to support her husband.

"For there is a man inside me, and only when he's finally out... can I walk free of pain."

This book is gonna sell, like, a billion copies.

Lindsay! Oh, I'm so glad you came.

I was hoping for more women.

Perhaps I shouldn't have just used "he." I think that was a mistake.

And Lindsay realized that Tobias was just as oblivious as she'd always thought.

Tobias, I don't think this relationship is gonna work.

What are you talking about? We've had some great times.

We've got nothing left, Tobias.

And Michael went to confront his father.

You're building houses in Iraq? I mean, do you know how they punish treason?

-First time. -I've never heard of a second.

Oh, I've got the worst... [BEEPS] attorneys.

This is why I didn't want to get you involved, but we can fix this.

-What are Kitty's demands? What does she want? -She wants my job.

Suddenly everybody wants my job, and I should've given it to her.

You mean, you didn't? Michael! She has the evidence of what we did over there.

No, all she thinks it is is unpaid taxes.

Yeah. What if she gives it to someone who's even moderately intelligent?

NARRATOR: In fact, Kitty had gone to someone moderately intelligent... in her continuing quest for control of the Bluth Company.

-I can't believe you called me for a date. -You didn't tell anyone, did you?

Are you kidding? I don't need to brag... that some people haven't even been on a date!

Day not over yet, fatty.

You weren't thinking clearly. I mean, none of us are.

We need bread.

If this information was so damaging, why didn't you just shred it?

Well, S*ddam owed us money.

You didn't realize that he wouldn't pay?

Your mom had a good feeling about him.

So Mom knew this entire time, and shejust lied to my face for months and months?

Let me tell you something, Dad. This is... This is your problem. Okay? Not mine.

Well, maybe it wouldn't be my problem if you did what I asked for once in your life...

-and you gave Kitty what I asked you to! -Once in my damn life?

All I've ever done my entire life is do exactly what you told me to, all right?

I've done everything for this family, Pop. Not anymore. Kitty can have my job.

And you can take your own polygraph test, 'cause I'm done.

-I'm done with you, and I'm done with the business. -Great.

I'm gonna get a lethal injection because my son won't eat a potato.

NARRATOR: George Sr., in a surprise move... volunteered to take the polygraph.

-So did you swipe the sedative from the infirmary... -No!

-To lower your heart rate? -No! It's okay. I want to do this... because I want people to know I never willfully deceived anyone.

Mistakes were made, but I never intended to hurt anyone!

I was trying to support my family!

-He doesn't appear to be on a sedative. -But I can see clearly now... sitting in this chair, strapped to this machine, I can see that my life has become a failure!

I've let people down, let myself down.

But I love my country! I love it here!

You can shop... I love my... Can't breathe.

-I can't breathe! -Wait! Wait! Are you guilty? Yes or no?

-I think he's having a heart att*ck. -That was not a nod. No.

-That was not a nod. -Call an ambulance!

[SIREN WAILING]

-Oh, how is he? -Stable.

But they don't know if he's due for another one.

It's his own fault. What kind of diet is this? It's too much meat.

I want all of you off this immediately.

Except you.

Tobias! I can't believe you came!

Oh, come on, Lindsay. This is my family.

NARRATOR: And Lindsay realized that perhaps they did have something left... a real connection.

Also, Dale, one of the gentlemen from my reading... is a nurse here, so we were able to park right out front.

Oh! Barry. Did you talk to a doctor?

I did. I have poison oak.

Do you believe it? Where the hell did I get that?

[DOG BARKS]

-She was talking about George. -No, he's the same.

Look, I guess we should decide who's gonna speak for the family. I would... but I have Laker tickets.

[DOG BARKS]

NARRATOR: Buster knew this was his chance... to put Kitty's coup d'état in action.

He wondered if he was up for it.

Someone might have to sign the "do not resuscitate" form.

-And he decided he wasn't. -I need to make a telephone call. Get out of something.

I'm in charge now.

I speak for this family.

I mean, I could, if you wanted me to.

I'd rather not, obviously. Don't know what I'd say.

Why do I have to be the one? I don't need this.

Why does this have to become my problem? No. I'm out.

Forget it. Find somebody else. I'm sick of it.

-I'm sick of doing everything for this family. -Where is Michael?

-[SCOFFS] Typical. -Did somebody call him?

NARRATOR: In fact, they hadn't.

And at that moment, he was determined to finally get...

-as far away from his family as possible. -Hey, pal.

-Pack your bags. -Where are we goin'?

Anywhere. Joshua Tree, space camp, the Baseball Hall of Fame...

Everything you and I have always wanted to do but haven't been able to because of this family.

-We're just gonna go? -Yeah. And I don't know if we're even gonna come back.

-There's nothing keeping us here. -Well, Dad...

-I like it here. -What the hell's going on with you lately?

I wanted to watch Hindsight, and you weren't there.

I want to pack up and desert the family, and you don't want to.

-Is it this new girlfriend? -No, it...

It's because of the family. I like the family.

-I mean, if we leave, who's gonna take care of these people? -I don't know.

The state or the police. Maybe the Magicians' Alliance will pick up some slack.

[PHONE RINGING] -Hey. That's gonna be them, and they're gonna want something.

We're not answering that.

[RINGING CONTINUES]

Hello?

-Where's George Michael? -Exactly. Where is he?

Ever since he's been dating this Annie McNo-face, he's been blowing me off.

-Oh, hey. Where's Pop-Pop? -Room 212.

NARRATOR: And that's when Maeby decided...

NARRATOR: And that's when Maeby decided... that perhaps she could use her uncle to make her cousin jealous.

Hey, Dad. Wait up.

That was a waste of time.

-[GROANING] -How's he doin'?

He's hanging in there.

He keeps trying to get this I. V. Out of his arm. I don't understand why.

It's just glucose.

We're all trying to stay away from sugar.

-He's gonna be okay, right? -Absolutely. Absolutely. You all right?

I'll handle this one, Michael.

Don't you worry. It'll take a lot more than a heart att*ck to k*ll that old bear.

[LAUGHING] Old bear!

He likes the honey!

He never got a chance to see my bee business take off.

Hey, come on, now. Dad's gonna be around another 30 years, Gob.

Your business, uh, might not.

You're a good brother, Michael.

Heart att*ck never stop old Big Bear.

I didn't even know we were calling him Big Bear.

-We never had a chance to! -Hey, hey. Come on, Gob.

Everybody, I'm very sorry, okay? I feel awful. I should have been here.

I was the one that was supposed to take that polygraph test, and then I just turned on him... and then this happened, but never again, okay?

I will never, ever leave this family, no matter what.

-You should've been here. -I feel like I covered that.

-Well, you didn't say it. -I feel awful. I should have been here.

Maybe you're right. Maybe I didn't say it. I should have been here.

-Excuse me, Mr. Bluth. -Hmm?

-We lost him. -[ALL GASPING]

He just, uh, got away from us. I'm sorry.

Uh, can we go in there?

If you want. Not a lot to see.

Maybe not for you, but for us.

NARRATOR: And that's when the family realized that George Sr. wasn't dead... but was fleeing the country that he loved so very much.

Pack your bags.

On the next season of Arrested Development.

The family grapples with the news they had just heard.

Why would a doctor say he's "gone" when he means he's escaped?

God, I've missed bread. Mmm.

Wouldn't you say, "He left out the window'... or, "The room's empty."

Maeby's life gets a little more complicated.

It's so obvious. He gave himself the sh*t to make it look like a heart att*ck.

-How could they not see that? -Maybe we should kiss again... and teach them a lesson about obvious.

And Kitty helps George Sr. Escape.