02x05 - Sad Sack

[bunniefuu]

Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything... and the one son who had no choice... but to keep them all together.

It's Arrested Development.

MAN [NARRATING]: It was Monday morning... and Michael Bluth was nervous about meeting... with the new prosecutor of his father's criminal case.

I don't know what you're so nervous about, Michael.

It's a new prosecutor. It's a whole new beginning... a new day, a new case, a whole new set of lies.

-I'm not lying anymore, Mom. -NARRATOR: Michael was lying.

He found his fugitive father earlier in the week... and he was hiding him in the attic... where George Sr. Was currently waiting for his breakfast.

About the business, just for the record...

I was not involved with Dad building houses in Iraq.

-That's exactly what I'm gonna tell them. -Is that for Lindsay?

Because she's not scared to eat in front of me anymore.

Those are the whites only, yes?

These aren't for Lindsay. These are mine.

Anyway, I'm not lying anymore either, Michael.

I'm being lied...

-on. -[GASPS]

Wow. Now more's gonna come up than go down.

I gotta get outta here.

-Hmm? -I can't take this anymore.

I mean, she's just so loving and affectionate.

I- I-This is not the woman I fell in love with.

Oscar, please. You can't go. You gotta stay, okay?

This is the nicest she's been since she found out Rosa could breast-feed Buster.

Oh, Buster. Don't even bring that up. He's well into his army training.

NARRATOR: Actually, Buster had hit a wall in his army training.

I can't do it! I can't make my bed, and I can't do this either!

Aren't you supposed to yell at me and call me "h*m*" and motivate me over this wall?

We can't do that anymore. Lawsuit.

NARRATOR: In fact, it was a recent ruling... prosecuted by the same man who Michael was soon to meet with.

It's going to be a long time before Sergeant Wendell Baker... calls someone "Private h*m*" again.

God willing, he'll fail boot camp.

Well, why wouldn't he? He already failed day camp.

-Hey. -Hi. Hey, Dad.

-You ready for the prosecutor? -Hi. I hope so.

-How'd that math test work out? -Oh, it was okay, I guess.

But-I don't know. It was weird. I studied with Ann... but I still got a B-minus.

-Ann got you a B-minus? -Well, it wasn't Ann. She's an expert in math.

-Isn't that cute? -Is it?

NARRATOR: Michael felt his son was setting the bar too low... with his dating standards.

No, it wasn't Ann's fault. I think I just ended up thinkin' about the questions too long.

And so, by the time I put an answer down, I went with, like... my fifth choice or somethin' like that.

George Michael, never settle for fifth choice.

Something better is gonna come along. She just has to.

I think maybe sitting in the back of the class with Ann is a bad idea.

You know, she's just so pretty.

-I get distracted, I guess. -Do you?

-I wish I could draw her nose. -Maybe it's your eyes.

Maybe you need glasses... for your grades.

Didn't you say you had a hard time readin' the board...

-sittin' in the back row? -No, I said I was in the back of the classroom.

-That's what I mean. Yeah? -It's different. No. No.

Well, I don't know. Maybe.

-No, definitely. I'll call the eye doctor. -I guess.

I'm gonna set you up an appointment. Okay?

-Hey, g*ng. -Tobias.

Oh. Ooh, I'm afraid I'll have to take them to go. I'm late for the gym.

Oh, and also, here's a number... in case the Blue Man Group calls and needs an understudy.

I just found out that my cellular telephone was a lemon.

-It didn't work. -[HOARSE VOICE] Neither do you.

-[SCOFFS] -Pretty brave card for you to play.

-I just can't stand it. Tobias getting in shape... -[DOOR CLOSING]

For a bunch of slutty gym rats.

-What's wrong with your voice? -Nothing. I've been going out.

NARRATOR: Lindsay had been frequenting singles clubs... also still hoping to make her open marriage work-

-Whoo! -which it won't.

-I didn't catch that. -Whoo!

I wonder how many women he's slept with, if any.

Lindsay, it's not a competition.

Of course it is, Michael. That's why they call it scoring.

-Maybe in the '70s. -That many? We've only been doing this for a month.

Instead of competing with Tobias, why don't you try spending...

-a little more time with your daughter? -Why? Tobias doing that?

-NARRATOR: At that moment, Lindsay's daughter... -[DOORBELL RINGS]

-Was in the process of wooing her own man. -Who is it?

-Steve Holt! -Maeby had even started ordering unnecessary items... just to have more occasions to see him.

Uh, you ordered a "Memories ofThanksgiving" basket?

-Wow, that looks great. -[HOARSELY] Maeby, who's your friend?

-Is this your sister? -No.

But you just made my day.

Thank you for the basket. See ya.

[SINGSONG] He thinks I'm cute.

He's 19. He's a senior at my high school.

NARRATOR: And had been for several years.

LINDSAY: You know what?

I think I am gonna spend more time with my daughter.

I can't promise you I won't tell the prosecutor about that.

-Where you been? -Are you wearing my dead wife's maternity clothes?

Yeah. It's the only thing I could find.

-Where are the eggs? -Doctor says they're bad for the baby.

-So, you ready for this new prosecutor? -I was until you came back.

You're not gonna turn me in, are you?

Because I had no idea there were sanctions against, uh, Iraq.

You know, th-they sent me over there. They said, "Go build."

Uh-Uh, Do I look like a criminal mastermind to you?

How do you get this ham open? I can't-I can't get this ham open.

I'm not gonna turn you in. But you have put me in a position where I'm gonna have to lie.

Why did you come back here in the first place?

Oh, no reason. Your mother happens to be shtupping my brother, that's all.

I'm only here to find out if I have a sh*t with her.

If she's really in love with Oscar- I don't know-to hell with her.

I'll just-I'll just leave.

-I'll never come back. -Great. She's really in love with him.

That's very funny. I need you to find out, okay?

'Cause ever since I-I heard about this-

[BREATHES DEEPLY] I can't sleep.

I can't-I can't eat.

Oh. Look, it just peels off. Isn't that clever?

NARRATOR: Later that day, George Michael was having his eye exam... and finding it to be just as difficult as his math exam.

-One or two? -Two. No. No, one.

-Okay. Two or three? -Three.

Uh, unless three is too much of an improvement.

I'm sorry. Is one-Is one in the mix still?

NARRATOR: And Michael met with the new prosecutor, WayneJarvis.

I'm sorry. I don't understand how this is not a conflict of interest.

You almost represented us, and now you're the prosecutor.

The Patriot Act. Read it.

L-I'm not even the president anymore. My brother Gob is.

I spoke with Gob. He appears to know nothing.

Yeah, that's not an act. He twice tried to microwave... a Ding Dong while it was still in its foil.

-Twice. -Twice?

-Two times. -NARRATOR: In fact, Gob had been grilled earlier.

-I don't know anything about the business! -We're gonna get you, Bluth.

We'll give you a few minutes to think about what you want to do.

He knows less than anyone we have ever questioned.

NARRATOR: Gob knew too little to know that, however... and his confidence had never been more shaken.

And just when he thought he couldn't handle another embarrassment-

You're free to go.

Things could get very messy for you, Michael, unless you have something to bargain with... like, say, a fugitive.

-I don't know where to find such a thing. -Look harder.

-There might be something in it for you. -Something to get me off?

If you could find a certain someone.

Can I have a moment alone with my client, please?

Did you follow any of that?

Yeah. He's hinting that he's gonna grant me immunity... but only on the condition that I turn in my father.

You know where your father is? No, wait. Don't tell me now.

Okay. If you know, give me a high five.

Mm-mmm.

NARRATOR: Michael had just found out...

-that his legal problems might go away if he turned in his father. -[BEEPS]

It's just you and me now, huh?

No, Barry, I-I know where my father is, okay?

He came back to make sure that my mother wasn't really in love with my uncle.

He wants to know if he's still got a sh*t with her. If he doesn't, he's leaving.

If he's got a sh*t with her, just give me a little tap on the fanny.

-That's not gonna happen. -Okay.

Then look, just tell him anything he wants to hear to keep him from running.

We just have to keep him here until we can hear... what kind of deal they're offering you.

You just trust me. I'm a lot more competent than you can imagine.

Oh, I forgot to take the tinfoil off too.

I really wanted that.

NARRATOR: Buster, meanwhile, was sharing his failure... with someone who was well-versed on the subject.

I mean, I couldn't get over the wall. They put me on suspension until I can.

Perhaps you need to find somebody who can motivate you.

-Yeah, but who? -NARRATOR: And then it hit him.

NARRATOR: Gob had always proven a good motivator for Buster.

-Do it! -[BLOW LANDS] -[GROANS]

When you do this without getting punched in the chest, you'll have more fun.

-[WEAKLY] Thanks, Brother. -Hey, Brother... how would you like to go to the old playground with me?

I'm sure as hell not gonna go back to work. I'm never going back there.

Oh. Well, then perchance I might be able to borrow your cellular telephone?

I'm not fit to run a company.

And I don't deserve a fancy phone.

Well, the Blue Man Group might need me. And I do deserve a fancy phone.

NARRATOR: They didn't, and he doesn't.

Michael knew he couldn't let his father get away.

So he decided to see ifhis mother and Oscar really were in love.

So, come on. Aren't you really just dating Oscar to get back at Dad?

Oh, it may have started as that... but I have fallen in love with Oscar.

And it's so nice not to have to worry about getting pregnant.

The doctor said I couldn't be a mother now if I tried.

And that was without even interviewing me.

Here you go. Hot tea.

Because that's what you are- a hottie.

Stop me from pouring this on myself. I can't take this anymore.

All right. Now, listen, Oscar.

Maybe you should think about moving on, you know.

This really isn't your scene, with the sweaters and the furniture.

Maybe you should take a leap at freedom, like my father.

Just run.

-[AIR HORN BLASTS] -Is that her r*pe horn?

It's more like a starter's p*stol.

[WHISPERS] Run.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Tobias set about learning how to operate his new cell phone.

-[MELODY] -Oh!

NARRATOR: And Lindsay tried to spend more time getting to know her daughter.

[HOARSELY] Hi, baby. Oh, Steve. Hi.

-Hi. -What are you doing here?

I thought I'd spend a little time with my daughter.

After all, it hasn't been that long since I've been in high school.

-[BELL RINGS] -Is that a fire?

-We have to go to class. -Okay. Well, this was fun.

Maybe later we can all spend a little more time together. Go shopping. Get a drink.

I'm in school. And I'm 15.

Oh. Well, I'm much, much, much... older than 15.

-You don't look it. -Oh, Steve.

He thinks I'm young. You made my day again!

[LAUGHING]

-Your mom's pretty, uh, out there. -She's not my mom.

But she said you were her daughter.

His daughter. That's my dad.

-That's a dude? -And the worst part is... he thinks he's passing.

NARRATOR: Right outside the school, Buster tried to put his own plan... into action by stirring up old memories.

What do you say? I need your help to get over the wall. Push me.

I'm the pathetic one, Buster, not you.

I totally freaked out in front of that prosecutor today.

Like a little girl in a little dress- little saddle shoes, little pigtails.

Wow, that does sound like a little girl.

Come on, get my ire up.

Push me! [CHUCKLES]

Oh.

Oh, this is turning out to be much more fun than I'd hoped.

NARRATOR: It was fun. But it wasn't making him a better soldier.

Push me higher. [CHUCKLES]

Ooh! I'll do it.

Whoo!

NARRATOR: And Michael reported to his father about his meeting with the prosecutor.

-Prosecutor offer you a deal? -That was not said.

But, uh, more importantly, you should know that it seems like Oscar's on his way out.

-Really? -Yeah. So just sit tight, and everything should be fine.

Wow. Hey, by the way, I broke this thing. I-

-What the hell is it anyway? -That's a breast pump, Dad.

Oh. Well, I did not use it for that.

NARRATOR: And so Michael went to meet the prosecutor.

I felt obligated to share some photographs with you.

I obtained these from the Bluth Company e-mail server.

You tapped into our e-mail? That's legal?

I'm going for a hot Ding Dong.

Hot Ding Dong? Yeah?

Michael, this is a close-up satellite photograph of the Iraqi countryside.

See this little series of hills around that stream?

Those are bunkers. We believe that those bunkers... contain weapons of mass destruction.

We also think that your father was building on that land to hide them.

Which is why that photograph was on his e-mail.

-Are you serious? -Almost always.

I was once called the worst audience participant Cirque Du Soleil ever had.

-This is a big accusation. -I did not find their buffoonery amusing.

-About my father. -He's guilty, Michael, of medium to heavy treason.

That proves it. You can't protect him.

Turn him in and immunity is yours.

-NARRATOR: Michael returned home to confront his father. -Michael?

Mom was just here looking for you.

She's claiming Oscar's disappeared because of something you said.

-Can't talk right now. -Really?

What's wrong with your voice?

I can talk, sure. I didn't say anything to Oscar.

-Anything else? -No.

Oh. Hey, did I tell you? I accidentally ran into Steve Holt.

Wow. Everything about you is so womanly.

You're everything a woman should be.

[HOARSELY] Thank you, Steve.

We ended up making a lunch date.

I thought you were spending time with Maeby.

Yeah. I'll have to reschedule her.

But Mom isn't the only one "finding love" where she least expects it. Her words.

Wh-Whoa! Finding love- She said that? Where, here?

Yeah, she won't shut up about him.

She said "tingling," like, 75 times.

LUCILLE: Gets me tingling. And, you know, with Oscar there's tingling.

-She said those words in this house? -Yeah.

Dad?

Hello?

NARRATOR: Michael had just discovered that his father had escaped from the attic.

Hello?

This is gonna sound like a strange question, but have you seen Dad?

Of course not. And I'm not talking to you.

You tried to scare away Oscar, which didn't work.

-He's back. -I just, uh-

I just wanted to have sex with you. That's-That's all I'm good for.

Did you hear that? He said he just wants to-

-Good-bye, Mom. -Have sex with me.

-You smell like a pinecone. -Yeah, that's the weed.

I went to my, uh, my-[BLEEPS] hole trailer... and I-I smoked some like a cigarette.

Should we take it into the bedroom?

-Only if you really love me. -Of course I do.

[INHALES] Ohh.

[MUTTERING]

What's wrong with you? Where are you going?

I'm on mushrooms!

I'm on bad mushrooms!

NARRATOR: And soon, the prosecutor's evidence became public.

We've obtained photographs that officials call definite proof of W.M.D.'s in Iraq.

What that means for your weekend at 10:00.

NARRATOR: It seems that due to the new information-sharing provisions... in the Patriot Act, the photos had made the rounds... through several branches of government... and ultimately to the U.S. Army itself.

I just came back to tell you. I can't do that wall.

There's no time for that. We're shipping out without you.

-What? -Didn't you see?

-MAN: Pick it up. Pick it up. -Weapons of mass destruction?

-GOB: Those bastards. -I did not say that.

Are you gonna let that slide? Are you gonna allow your children... and your children's children... and any children that I might have out there... to live in fear for the rest of their lives?

Climb that wall, h*m*!

Climb it.

NARRATOR: And just as the men thought the day could get no more surprising...

-[YELLING] -it did.

-Ohh! Ooh! -[THUDS]

[WHIMPERING] -When you do this without getting punched, you'll have more fun.

-Oh, hey, George Michael. -Oh, hi.

They found W.M.D.'s in Iraq, so we got a half-day.

Cool. So I got a "C" on my math test.

Not anticipating a good reaction on that.

Well, the "B" got you glasses. Maybe this time you'll get a neck brace.

Anyways, have you seen my mom?

Seems possible.

-She's on her way to meet Steve Holt. -I thought you liked him.

I do. I'm crazy about him. But he's obsessed with her.

That's all he wants to talk about.

NARRATOR: Lindsay felt bad. Perhaps she had hurt her daughter... by putting herself first.

But she would have felt worse if she'd remained even a moment longer.

But it's only because he thinks she's got a penis.

Oh, I told him she was a tr*nny.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Michael was still up in the attic.

Dad, what's goin' on? Somebody could see you.

What's the difference, Mike? You're turning me in, aren't you?

They say you're involved in something real big, Dad. They've got photos.

Not true. But go. Knock yourself out. Turn me in.

I went and I saw for myself.

She's in love with him.

Then why did you come back? Why didn't you just leave forever like you said?

And go where?

[SIGHS] Make a deal for yourself, Mike.

I got no love in my life anymore.

NARRATOR: And Michael realized for the first time... that his father was capable of having his heart broken.

Later that day, Michael had his meeting with the prosecutor.

So, where the hell is he? Come on, Bluth. What's it gonna be?

Your father or your freedom?

NARRATOR: And Michael had to do the right thing.

I don't know what happened to him.

Michael, when we started talking to you, we didn't have anything.

But now... we got something.

-And you're gonna do time for it. -Those are the pictures?

They're all over the news.

-Those are balls. -What?

NARRATOR: Barry was right. Tobias had inadvertently photographed himself... while learning to use his camera phone.

See, uh, this close, they always look like landscape.

Nope, you're lookin' at balls.

NARRATOR: Soon, forensic scientists confirmed this.

And for the second time in two days... the information-sharing network put into place by the Patriot Act... was put to use.

They're balls?

MAN: We're looking at balls. Let's turn it around.

MAN 2: Copy on balls. We're turning.

And eventually, the news traveled back to the source.

We got one wrong, and we do apologize.

I'm on TV.

NARRATOR: And Michael returned home a free man.

You got the glasses. Now you'll do better on those math exams.

I think I blew the eye exam too. Every time I take these off, I feel better.

Let me see 'em.

-I've seen this before. -NARRATOR: For a while, George Michael... had shared a room with his Uncle Tobias.

-Oh, th-there's a ladder. -[GROANING] I don't need it.

Yeah, I don't think you need glasses, Son.

Well, if the cops are waiting, I'm ready to go.

I got nothin' since your mother deserted me.

You know, you-you deserted her, Dad.

You know, you escaped, and then you faked your death.

I'm not so sure she sees you as that reliable.

But, listen, for what it's worth...

I did not turn you in.

-You didn't? -No.

And I don't know whether it's just Tracy's maternity clothes... but it's very nice to see a softer side of you.

Although I'm sorry that you feel you have no love in your life.

Well, I don't- I don't feel that way anymore.

Thanks.

Been a long time since someone stood up for me.

-Found her perfume, huh? -Just a little left in the bottle.

-Well, that was the end of it. -Yeah.

-It's nice on you. -Thank you.

NARRATOR: On the next Arrested Development.

Oscar returns to find a now-distant Lucille.

I'm back. But just for now.

'Cause you get on my case-shoo-

-I am out of here. -Then go. Who needs you?

NARRATOR: Which was what attracted him to her...

-in the first place. -God, I missed you.

-NARRATOR: Lindsay reconciles with her daughter. -Hey, Mom. I got you somethin'.

[NORMAL VOICE] That is so sweet.

You know what? I was hoping we could go to dinner tonight.

Oh, I thought you were gonna go see Steve Holt at school.

No, I just wanted to check him out... and make sure he's good enough for my daughter.

Is it- It's a "Sheh-ma-lee."

It's gorgeous.

I'm wearing it to dinner.

NARRATOR: Tobias, traumatized by the public exposure... returns to an unfortunate quirk.

Thank God! My cutoffs.

There were cutoffs up here?