03x02 - A Pool and His Money

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "weeds"...

Gimme that f*cking thing!

There aren't any b*ll*ts in it.

Don't come out of here no matter what.

Don't come out.

Conrad: if she don't find the pot, ain't nobody gettin' sh*t!

g*ns on me. I'll stay.

Man, this a f*cking police station.

Where is it? It's all in the trunk of my car.

The car that celia's driving? That would be it.

Andy: he's my nephew. I called in an amber alert.

She left with bear.

And then the kid drove a blue van around the parking lot for an hour.

Come on. We got to jam.

Oh, we're having a great time.

We're gonna grab some dinner. Then we'll be home.

50 Cent on the dollar. Final offer. Fine.

Your ass 'n' your grass is all his now.

sh*t.

Celia: silas' phone.

Mmm.

I borrowed some garden shears.

Yeah, they were really helpful.

He gon' be ma-a-a-a-d.

I did this for you, nancy.

You should be thanking me for not having you arrested.

Hi.

I'm celia.

And you are...?

Marvin.

Are you one of nancy's drug-dealer friends?

No.

No, he's not my friend.

He's gonna k*ll me.

Isn't that right, marvin?

But, please, do me this one last favor.

k*ll her, too.

First.

In front of me.

Please. No one will know it was you.

Just blow her f*cking brains out.

And let me watch, and then you can do whatever you want to me.

She's just kidding. No. No, no, no.

Not kidding. Here.

If you throw that f*cking rock at me, I am going straight to the police, and you can rot in jail with silas.

I am trying to help you.

We just know each other from the grocery store.

I'm... I'm a bagger and...

Oh, bullshit.

Like there is an obese, black bag boy at any market in a 30-mile range of here.

In agrestic, the people are white, and the help is... Brown.

Not black.

You know, you nasty.

Get the f*ck out of my yard!

Okay, I can see that you're upset, being a drug dealer that's just been caught and all.

Well, this must be very embarrassing for you.

I'll come back when you've had a chance to think.

And we'll talk.

Oh, and if you need a pool man, I have a really great guy.

Holy sh*t.

That's one crazy bitch!

You think she gonna tell?

No way.

She'll never want to give up having this over me.

Grab the other skimmer and help me.

I don't think this is gonna work, nancy.

Marvin, I don't need your negativity right now.

Just grab the f*cking pole and skim.

U-turn: nancy...

I will k*ll yo' boy wit' pain.

As it is, I just might have to kick him in his kidney because you ain't here yet.

Next one goes in his f*ckin' head.

I don't appreciate bein' inconvenienced like that!

Now, put marvin back on the g*dd*mn phone!

Yo.

With or without the jahooby, you and her get back here by 9:00, you understand me?

Light a fire under that bitch's ass.

I'm gettin' cranky.

Why you so quiet?

Why you pointin' a g*n at my head?

Oh, I'm sorry...

Friend.

Is that better?

No?

How 'bout now?

I ain't playin', lewis.

All you gotta do is snatch it.

You might be quicker than I think.

But what happens when you got the g*n, farmer?

You think you could end me?

You think you got any thug in you?

Come on, farmer brown.

End this sh*t now.

See?!

That's the sh*t right there that makes me owe marvin a f*ckin' flat screen!

Can't pick up the g*n when it counts!

Can't f*ck the white bitch when she right in front of you!

We just friends.

Yeah, but marvin said y'all kissed.

What you want me to say, lewis?

You bust in here, try to rip me off, hold me hostage, thr*aten to k*ll me...

Bitch, bitch, bitch.

You should be kissin' my ass in spades!

'Cause instead of owing them hummus-eatin' m*therf*ckers, you only owe me!

Oh, no.

See, nancy gon' bring the weed back here, and then we don't owe you nothin'.

And I don't want nothin' to do wit' you after.

Oh, okay.

Now, see, now you just hurtin' my feelings.

I just wanted to know how she kisses.

She look like she kisses real sweet.

Cut the sh*t, 'cause it's gettin' old real fast.

I tell you what, I let you keep a couple bricks of that pot...

If you'll let me f*ck her on this corner.

Right here.

I mean, seein' as the two of you just kissed, I don't see you havin' a problem with that.

sh*t.

What the f*ck was that?

What the f*ck?

Yo, bitch. In the closet.

Uh-huh. Open it.

Open real wide.

I'm gay.

Well?

Microwave wrecked everything, and the stuff in the oven stuck together in a clump.

W-will you get in here and try this?

What you got to smoke it with?

I don't have a bowl. I'm not really a smoker.

Seriously? Control issues.

You got soda in a can? There's diet coke in the fridge.

Just dump it in the sink. You got root beer?

Does it matter?

I like root beer! I'm thirsty.

Just try the pot first, then you can raid the fridge for whatever you want.

Hello.

You want a plate for that?

Thank god.

I thought you were shane and andy.

Lupe, what setting do you think is best for drying pot that's been in the swimming pool?

Are you trying to make some hash or something?

Because I don't think this is how you do it.

Oh, yeah.

You and me.

We're doing our jobs.

Doing 'em.

Doing 'em right.

Hey, it's the "dr*gs are wrong" lady.

Hey, kids.

That's right.

That's me.

Gettin' recognized.

dr*gs are wrong.

And it feels so right to not do them.

Just throw 'em away.

I'm a crusader, you know?

Um, could you move? You're blocking the goal.

Crusader.

Celia's... Doin' it pro bono.

Not asking for laccada... Accolades.

Turning my ankle.

Oh, man, that's f*ckin' awful.

It's like all harsh and no high.

It's wrecked. We f*cked.

Come on, let's go see u-turn.

You said we had until 9:00.

You gon' grow a new crop between now and 9:00?

Uh-huh. Let's go! No!

Sayin' no to me is not a good idea.

Look, I think you cool and all, but I will hurt you.

I'm a thug. That's what I do.

I think you need to go with him. No, wait! Wait!

I have one more idea.

No, listen!

Best case, we actually show up with something.

Worst case, you deliver me on time.

What have you got to lose?

Hey, I didn't bring back the right thing from 7-eleven once.

Now I got a artificial patella.

Marvin, please.

Marvin.

Give me one more chance to make this right.

Please.

sh*t.

Hello.

What?

He's where?

Thank god. Yeah.

Great. Uh, i-i'll come get him.

Yeah.

Uh...

Tell him uncle andy's coming to get him.

Great. Thank you so much.

Thank you, officer.

Hoo-hoo!

Was that a great party or what?

How would you know?

You spent the whole time in the bathroom.

I'm sorry, I was working some stuff out with your uncle doug.

That's all right.

You weren't even the most embarrassing parent there.

Martha straley's mom wasn't wearing any underwear and fell over an ottoman while doing the cha-cha slide, and everyone saw.

I'm sorry I missed that.

Hey, can we make hot-fudge sundaes?

Oh, my god, that's the best idea ever.

Dad?

Yeah, hon.

Mom's passed out in the atrium.

Mom?

Mom!

I'm a winner.

Hey, sweetie.

How was the rest of your party?

What the hell are you doing here, celia?

I was... I just wanted to pick up a few things, but I couldn't get in 'cause all the doors were locked.

It's been a really long day.

Mmm, I bet.

Could I just...

Do you think...

I could take a bath?

My motel just has a shower, and I really could use a bath.

Fine.

Take a bath, then please go.

Could you unlock the door to the bedroom?

Oh, son of a bitch.

So, you want another man's d*ck up your ass, that's what you tellin' me?

Well, I don't know. I've never tried that.

I just... I think I've always liked boys.

I thought you was in love with nancy.

Now, who we talkin' about, conrad?

I think that was a judy garland- joan crawford-

Sarah jessica parker kind of love.

So, you will suck a d*ck?

Yes.

I think I would, if it was the right d*ck.

Ain't no right d*ck!

All d*ck 'sides your own is wrong, boy.

You know, you need jesus.

Uh, no, I think I just need to admit to myself what I am, what I've always been, no matter what you or my family or anyone thinks.

Lemme just ask you this... You ever f*ck a girl?

Excellent question.

Any p*ssy in your past?

My cousin, reshma, had this friend, meetah, who let me play with her nipples.

I found it kinda gross.

Yeah, some women got ugly titties.

That don't mean you're a cock-smoker.

Okay.

I got yo' lemonade, but I ain't add the cayenne, 'cause I ain't know how much.

But I brought it, so you can add it.

Who got the tuna melt?

Tuna melt's mine.

Well, look at you.

Do I know you?

You work for u-turn?

He do now.

Oh, I don't think so.

Oh, no?

Well, sh*t, u-turn, if you gon' f*ck 'em up, leave that pretty face, would you?

Turkey on whole wheat.

That's me.

Is there mustard?

Should be on there.

Clinique, lemme holla at you for a second.

What? Get yo' ass over here.

Now!

What do you think they're talking about?

Look, I need to get the f*ck outta here.

I'm-a grab u-turn, put a g*n to his head...

I think they're talking about me.

What did... What did you say?

Nothin'. Just, nothin', nothin'.

Yo.

Hurry up and finish that sandwich.

Clinique here gon' take you in the other room and f*ck the gay outta you.

Excuse me?

You heard me.

Man, um, I don't think it work that way.

Oh, clinique gon' make it work.

You sure you don't think you a f*gg*t?

Positive.

Thank you, though.

Okay.

Dinner's over.

The two of you, get in that room and get busy.

Clinique: okay, baby. Get them pants off.

Let's see what you got.

Sanjay: oh, god, help me.

And where is conrad?

He's at the grow house.

Damn, this is some good pie.

You enjoy, now, 'cause if anything happen to my nephew, you gon' be eatin' through a tube.

Hey, I'm just an employee.

I ain't management.

Could you people keep it down? I just got the baby asleep.

Marvin? Vaneeta?

Holy sh*t, how you doin'?

I shoulda k*lled you when I had the chance.

Really?

Would you have done it yourself or hired armenians?

Oh, I don't know what the f*ck you talkin' about.

You f*cked this up, and you know it.

I had it under control, and then, without consulting anyone, completely outside the huddle, you made this deal!

And that was a mistake!

Your mistake!

And you need to make it right!

So you need to gather up all the weed in this house and we need to take it to u-turn!

That's what the f*ck I'm talking about!

Oh, sh*t!

You gonna come in my house and drop blame on me?

Me... Oh, god!

Oh!

Oh, hell no!

Bitch! Get the f*ck off me!

Oh, god damn! You think you can take me?

Ow!

f*ckin' bit me!

Jesus, do something.

Bitch, have you lost your g*dd*mn... Ow!

Oh!

What the f*ck?

Fine, y'all go k*ll each other.

I'll go back to u-turn and say the sh*t's gone, and y'all can both visit pieces of conrad all over the county!

I'm outta here.

Wait, what are you talkin' about conrad?

What the f*ck is goin' on in here?

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

Oh, this is serious.

Let's go.

Let's go!

Sit down. I'm a victim of circumstance.

Who you hitting?

Thanks for the bath.

Sure.

I'm gonna go.

Bye.

Oh! Oh!

Ooh!

Man: if you're out on the road tonight, be on the lookout for a 1972 ford supervan.

California license plate number 51sb310.

And be sure to tune in tonight at 11:00 when the channel 10 news looks into the hidden poisons in your vitamins.

Hello.

So, you like little boys, huh?

What?

Oh, the amber alert.

Yeah, he's my nephew.

Did you hear that?

He abducted his own nephew.

No, no. I'm the one who called it in.

Then, what are you doin' in the vehicle?

And where's the little boy?

He must be tied up in the back.

Look, he's buyin' chocolate milk.

No, I like chocolate milk.

I'm re-juvenile.

Yeah.

The police have him. I'm on my way to pick him up.

Bullshit.

We just saw the amber alert not five minutes ago out on the highway.

If the police had him, they'd have called it off.

That's what they do.

Maybe they forgot. I don't know.

Call them. Ask 'em yourselves.

We'll do that.

After we kick your pervert ass, we'll do that.

My who?

Jesus!

I drove a car.

Yeah?

How far did you get?

About 10 blocks.

Then a cop pulled me over for going too slow...

...and being 12.

Where were you trying to go?

I don't know anymore.

Yeah.

Do you think mom's gonna be mad at us?

I think...

We're all gonna be mad at each other for a while.

Yeah.

Damn.

You look like hell.

Where's my dr*gs?

There was a little problem.

Some crazy bitch drowned all the sh*t in her swimming pool.

Wait, whose swimming pool?

Mine.

You got a swimming pool?

Wit' a waterfall and a raft for her kids and everything.

What the f*ck happened?

It's a long story.

U-turn: so, no dr*gs, huh?

So...

So you got my money instead, that's what you sayin'?

Here you go.

Game over.

Let's all go home.

I wasn't talkin' to you, was i?

Was I talkin' to her? No.

I was talkin' to janet evans here.

U-turn: where's my money?

Heylia is paying you back for the money you laid out to the armenians, so...

So she payin' yo' debt?

I'm here to pay conrad's debt.

She can go f*ck herself.

Now, see, that's not gon' work for me.

Now, I'll take cash for the white lady, but I don't want no money for conrad.

Naw.

He's the goose that lays the golden milf weed.

He's my farmer now.

I'm-a buy him some overalls and a straw hat.

Yee-ha.

No, f*ck this, dude.

Just take your money and let's end this.

Now, that's no way to talk to your new boss, sharecropper.

You better watch yo' tone.

Now, I bought yo' chit, and you 'bout to grow me some sh*t.

Are we clear?

'Cause if we not, then I can blow a nice, big space out yo' head through yo' ear.

Maybe you hear me better.

Come on, conrad. Let's go.

Lookin' forward to my crop.

I'll be in touch.

Now, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where you think you goin'?

The way I see it, you still owe me 150 g's, lady.

And I don't take checks.

What?

No.

We're all together.

We... We grow together.

Let's go, conrad.

You gotta get some rest so you can wake up tomorrow, plant some weed, and work on your sl*ve name.

Conrad.

Yeah, looks like you don't grow with them no more.

What the f*ck?

You had that the whole time?

Ain't got no b*ll*ts.

What am I supposed to do wit' a empty g*n?

You okay?

Yeah.

She's fine...

Because she still breathin'.

She gon' give me my money, too.

Otherwise, I'm-a come to her nice house wit' her pool and her kids, and I'm-a float them all where my weed was drowned at.

You remember where she live, right, marvin?

I'm not so good wit' directions.

f*ckin' useless.

I deal wit' you later.

I'm-a take this off your shoulder for you.

Oh.

Hmm.

It's a nice picture.

I'm-a leave you $20 in case you run into any kinda problems on your way home or you need to stop and get some frozen yogurt and sh*t.

There you go.

Now you just owe me...

$149,927.

Well, we did it, but if you want my professional opinion, that boy gayer than a handbag full of rainbows.

I see you later, u-turn.

I got rid of dana.

I'm free now.

Please forgive me for being so stupid.

I was a fool.

A fool.

I should've left her that night.

And you were so brave.

And you're the one for me.

We... We could be together now.

I love you, c. I love you so much.

Please, celia.

Celia.

Can I come in?

I'm here to pick up silas botwin.

And shane, as well?

What do you mean?

Both my children are in jail. Perfect.

Shane botwin.

I'm here for...

Nancy, hi.

You're here.

It was... Thank god.

Did, uh, you two have a fight or something?

Yes.

He hit me. Arrest him.

She's kidding.

Tell him you're kidding.

I'm kidding. I walked into a door.

Really?

And you, sir?

Oh, a door.

The same door.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, what have I done?

I love my wife!

I love dana!

I miss her so much!

She's the most wonderful woman!

Oh, I've wrecked my life!

What happened?

Is everything okay?

She didn't say a thing the whole ride home.

Mom... Say something.

Okay, guys, uh, let's give mommy some space, huh?

Aaaaahhh!