03x11 - Cankles

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "weeds"...

Is it true that once a white woman's been with a carpenter, she never goes back?

Life-insurance check made out to nancy scottson.

Shouldn't be any trouble to cash.

Oh. Look at that.

You owe me some money.

How much?

$119,000.

I need $100,000. Majestic is checking their books tomorrow.

I might have access to some money.

I had a little emergency. You're gonna have it back in a month.

This is a scam, right?

It's just my way of saying, "thank you for your help."

I look so happy.

Oh!

Woman: we're looking down a long road here, mrs. Hodes.

Not me. We are getting a divorce.

There's no one else but you.

Oh, god.

I quit. Bullshit.

Oh, yeah. I'm bad. Punish me.

How could you leave all this?

A better, more lucrative opportunity has presented itself.

Besides, we both know you'll soon be off to build another just-add-water insta-town.

Utopian village, nancy.

Where are you going?

A company called aguatecture.

Hmm. It's all good.

Well, would you give me a few days to find someone new and maybe f*ck you a few more times?

Yes, and maybe.

Just let yourself in.

Hi. Is your mom around?

I'm starting to think you just like me for my mother.

Excuse me? Who's the one that's been living in a grow house?

It makes a girl feel like she can't get any attention unless she's a pot plant.

How about we take a trip upstairs...

And I check your bud...

And your stems...

Oh, sorry. I have to go.

Hey, well, hold on a sec.

Who's the honker?

Kenneth.

We're gonna go see laser bach at the greek.

You're going on a date?

Yes, and now I'm late.

Hey...

I thought you were dating me.

I am.

You can't date both of us.

It's not like that with kenneth, okay?

He meets my cultural needs, and you engage my sensual/sexual side.

I'm just something for you to rub up against?

Silas, don't do this.

I have to go. I'll see you tomorrow.

We'll dialogue.

Oh, sh*t. You.

Me... Carrying cash.

See? Have a little faith.

That looks awfully thin for 100 grand.

I'm doing the best I can.

Little faith...

That's exactly what I've got for you.

This is how f*cking broke I am.

Valerie: he was dirty. So was his partner.

They took money whenever they could.

I know. I lived with the creep for a decade.

He hid it somewhere. Believe me, it's out there.

And the legit stuff... The life insurance, the pension?

Wife two's got it.

And she put in, what, six months with the bastard?

I'm raising his child, and I'm begging her for money?

Nuh-unh. I don't think so.

That's my g*dd*mn f*cking money.

And I'm telling you, she played him.

I know it.

What? Suddenly he gets married and then winds up dead?

Does that make sense to you?

That bitch knows something.

I'll need a retainer.

I'm on it.

Doug: this is bullshit.

You can't just toss us aside like we're regular people.

We're elected officials! I'm an elected official.

You were elected by a city that no longer exists.

And coarse language will not be tolerated here.

f*ck you, carilli. We have jobs we expect to keep.

We have contracts with the city we expect to be honored.

I expect mine to be honored.

Wilson, if you cannot control that vile mouth of yours, I will have you thrown out of this meeting.

Oh, don't you get all pious on me.

You promised we'd get absorbed into the machine here, that I'd get absorbed.

And as citizens of majestic, you all have the right to run for office in the next election one year from now.

Oh, horseshit!

Any city council with a half a brain has got the system so juiced up no one new has a prayer of getting elected.

Yeah, I want my landscaping contract back!

I am sorry, but all the landscaping is handled by the majestic ministries development corporation.

If we can't get satisfaction here, we will get it in the streets.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

People! People!

There are other ways you can serve the fine city of majestic.

You can volunteer for a municipal program.

Volunteering is for saps.

We expect to feed off the tit of local government just like you.

I'm afraid that all your contracts and positions are now null and void per the referendum.

There is very little more to be said!

Mr. Wilson, this council is not finished looking into your questionable investment in aguatecture.

Don't you bang that gavel at me, you sanctimonious jesus freak!

You know, your long skirt isn't long enough, lady.

I saw your fat ankles... Calf, right into ankle.

Cankles!

That's it!

Cankles! Cankles! Cankles!

That is it! That is it! This meeting is adjourned!

Cankle bitch!

Cankle bitch!

Cankle bitch!

How dare you?!

Rude and vulgar!

You too! Man cankles! Mankles!

Douglas, we need to have a word.

Okay. How about "die"?

How about "aguatecture"?

How about "none of your business"?

Hey, how much do you know about it?

Not enough.

Mom, we got to get rid of tara.

Really?

She's untrustworthy.

Wow.

Last I counted, she was right on.

And she wraps her money in those cute little jesus ribbons.

I'm thinking she's a keeper.

Look, I know you said not to involve tara.

That's right, I did.

And I know that you were worried that I would maybe break up with her.

Let me guess... I was psychic?

You were right.

Okay, you were right, and I was wrong.

I get it. I got it.

But we need to get rid of her.

No, my dear.

You need to suck it up and make nice.

So, that's it?

You're picking her over me?

Why can't you back me up for once?

This is not your mommy talking.

This is your boss.

So I suggest you listen to me now.

What? Tara's my top earner.

And when you bring in what she brings in without getting emotional or f*cking up, you can make demands.

But until then, keep your head down and learn.

She stays...

And you get over it.

Now...

As your mother...

I am sorry it's not working out between the two of you.

I'm sorry if she hurt you.

Little bitch.

You're too good for her.

And I love you very much.

And you could use a haircut.

Aah! What's with the banging in the morning?

Mom says we need to beef up security.

That little thing's a camera? Cool, huh?

And I can broadcast the image to any computer in the house.

Hey, could we point one of those next door?

Jordan klien's home from college for summer break.

I can't spend all my time waiting for her to get naked one window up and three across from my side of the house.

I got things to do.

Your father was good with tools...

Always building things, fixing things.

I had to go the other way.

Which way is that?

Destroying things, blowing stuff up.

Pretty good at it, too.

Unfortunately, not much of a market for that particular skill when you grow up, unless you're a t*rror1st.

You could do special effects for movies, blow tunnels through mountains, building demolition, mining.

Blowing sh*t up is not just for t*rrorists.

Don't let them take that away from you.

Sanjay: hey, guys.

Andy: hey, sanjay. Looking mighty, mighty h*m* today.

Way to own it, sister.

My friend isabel is a lesbian.

If I bump into her at north valley gay pasta night, I'll say hey.

Is nancy home? I need to restock.

How much you need? I'll hook you up.

I could use about half a pound.

Back in two shakes.

Is that little thing a camera?

Yeah.

Oh, it's adorable.

So, you didn't know you liked guys?

Is there something you'd like to talk about, shane?

Are you feeling confused?

No, I always thought you were gay.

Okay... Good to go.

Thanks.

Woman: you have arrived at your destination.

The route guidance is now finished.

Thank you for guiding me to the f*cking post-apocalypse.

Yes, wonderful.

Richest country in the world.

Glad to see you're taking advantage of the opportunities offered.

Can I help you?

Where's your owner?

I'm sorry.

The owner of this place.

Who wants to know?

I would like to speak to someone who can tell me what goes on here.

What you see is pretty much what you get...

Fountains... Shaped like houses.

Fountains shaped like houses.

We got indoor, outdoor, tudor, victorian.

Used to have a craftsman split level, but we sold out of that.

Different houses with water flushing out the windows.

Aguatecture. You're soaking in it.

And I'm to believe that aguatecture attracts investors?

Who on earth would buy these tacky things?

Look, if you don't want none of our tacky things, how about you get the f*ck on out?

We closed.

Where's the owner? Is he in back?

She's right in front of you.

What's in the back?

Ain't nothing back there but files and inventory.

That's fine. Need to use the restroom, anyway.

Toilet's broke.

Just gonna wash my hands.

You can dip them in that fountain on the way out.

Now, I done asked you nice.

Now, you all alone in a strange place.

Think it through, now, girl.

There you go.

Thank you for your time.

Hey, we all out of the, um...

Carpenter.

Who?

I'm sorry.

You look like somebody i, um...

I don't know.

I've, um...

Bye.

Okay, who the f*ck was that?

I don't know. Maybe we should ask conrad.

Mom, I need to show you something.

Oh, no. Shane, no more tutorials.

It's not a tutorial. It's feed from earlier.

So?

It's the pool guy...

Checking us out twice in one day.

Is he a cop?

I don't know.

That would suck.

Yes.

Yes, it sure would.

Look at this.

When was this one taken?

It's the live feed.

It's the same guy.

He's out there right now.

Who are you?

Just surveying the water lines, ma'am.

You haven't had any problems, have you?

You're not surveying the water lines.

And you're not a f*cking pool cleaner, either.

Who the hell are you?

"Private investigator."

You mind if I have that back? I'm running kind of low.

What do you want from me?

Let's walk.

My client is interested in finding out a whole lot about you.

What client?

Not at liberty to divulge that.

But you can tell me that you're a private investigator.

Yes, I'm comfortable with that.

I'm comfortable because I feel...

You and I can do business together.

Really?

I have a strong feeling, in fact, that in exchange for my discretion...

With the police, with my client...

Dealing with your illegal activities vis-à-vis marijuana trafficking, you might want to give me some money.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Ah, that doesn't matter.

I have pictures... Dealers coming and going.

I even followed one... The gay indian kid... On his rounds.

I have cellphone wiretaps. Some of it's static-ridden.

I guess it's time to invest in that newer technology.

But you getting the idea?

Isn't that what pellicano's going to jail for...

Illegal wiretaps?

Inadmissible in court, absolutely.

Illegal? Yeah.

But if they were to show up anonymously at the d.e.a. Office, I bet an extensive investigation would ensue.

How much do you want?

Hey, I'm not greedy. I work for a living.

50 Thou ought to do the trick.

f*ck me!

Tempting, but I like blondes with big, fake tits.

I'll have it in cash.

$10,000.

$50,000.

$20,000. $50,000!

Come on. Please?

You can buy plenty of blondes with big, fake tits for $20,000.

Okay, since you asked so nice...

$50,000.

God, you're a real prick.

Mm-hmm. I know.

You and my wife would totally bond on that.

So, anyhoo, here's what you're gonna do.

Meet me here tomorrow morning at 10:00 with the moola.

Look, it's gonna take me a little more time than 24 hours to come up with that much money.

You're a drug dealer.

With expenses.

Consider this one of them.

Hasta la tomorra!

Celia: son of a bitch.

Oh, look who's here. My family.

Hey, family.

Did you know that we're poor?

We're really poor.

Maybe we should cut down on our liquor purchases.

Oh, no. All the poor drink.

Yeah, I saw the poor this morning.

They all had bottles in paper bags.

That's what I need... A paper bag.

Wonderful idea.

You could put your bottle in it and then vomit in it when you're done.

I don't vomit from drinking.

I vomit when I think about my life.

Isabel, why don't you go for another walk?

See? I'm not the only one who thinks she needs more exercise.

I don't think you should be alone with her.

It's okay, honey.

Why don't you go to shane's house or something?

Fine. I'll call in later.

Shane's house. Ha!

I will rock the house of shane before I'm done.

Make some coffee, celia.

Oh, not so fast, roller-boy.

Aguatecture.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Agua-tec-ture.

I don't know what you're talking about.

And even if I did, I wouldn't tell you.

What the f*ck?

Tell me everything.

You're insane.

Yes, I am f*cking insane.

Tell... Me... Everything.

Oh, god!

God damn it!

Up until this point, I have avoided your nuts because god knows what is inside that f*cking diaper of yours.

But so help me, if you don't come clean, I will make sure a catheter is a permanent part of your anatomy.

Bitch.

Perhaps.

Ohh! God!

Aah! God!

Talk to me.

f*ck... You!

Okay, I'm done playing.

Balls are next.

Aah! Okay!

Okay! Okay! Okay, please.

Please don't hurt me anymore. I'll talk.

Please don't hurt me anymore.

Aguatecture. Aguatecture!

I'll tell you. Just take your foot off.

Please! God, I'll tell you everything!

Lovely morning.

It depends where you're sitting.

Aw, it's not so terrible.

You'll make more money.

There's always more money in your line of work.

And there's always more blackmail.

What's to stop you from coming back?

I give you my word.

You're blackmailing me.

You've threatened to destroy my life unless I give you money.

Yes. I promise I'll never do it again. Cross my heart.

I have kids.

I know. Took their pictures.

Handsome boys.

Can I have my money now?

They're not just handsome.

They're also smart, especially shane.

Off the charts.

There's a $100 buy-in at commerce in an hour, and I'd really like to be there.

You're mugging me...

You'll take a minute to listen to what I have to say.

My smart son, shane, took me to a store yesterday...

Panorama city... Off the 405.

Spyware store.

You ever been there? It was my first time.

I bought myself a teeny little microphone that you hide inside your blouse.

Records everything you say...

Transmits it back to shane's computer...

Actually, any computer.

Only $49.95.

Technology's come a long way.

And since blackmailing's a felony, even when you do it to alleged drug dealers, you probably want me to keep this conversation to myself.

So, I guess what we have here is a détente.

You tell the police what I do for a living, not good for me.

I tell the police you blackmailed me, not good for you.

Understood.

Now...

I don't know who your client is, but I have a pretty good idea.

Whether you tell her what I do for a living is up to you, but I strongly advise against it.

This is for me?

Ha!

It's a lovely morning after all!

Oh, go f*ck yourself.

If I could, I'd save a fortune in strippers and alimony.

I'm off to commerce. You wish me luck?

So, how much do you have for me this time?

$500? $200? Some loose change?

I don't have anything.

Shocking.

And it's your fault.

How's that?

The private investigator you hired shook me down, took all the money I was gonna give you.

Shook you down... For what?

None of your g*dd*mn business.

But now I have nothing.

And frankly... I'm pissed.

You're pissed? Yeah.

You didn't trust me, and you really should have.

I was gonna get you your money.

Sure you were. I was.

And by the way, it wasn't even your money.

I was legally entitled to it.

Mrs. Scottson number two.

Me. Not you.

But now it's his, and that isn't my fault.

So I guess the whole point is moot, actually.

Then why are you here?

I thought... I needed a friend.

I don't need a friend.

I don't need anybody.

Don't call me.

Bye.

Please tell me you were just in the neighborhood.

Your friend celia came to aguatecture.

How the hell?

Did she see anything?

What does she know?

I was wondering the same thing, so I gave her a call, 'cause I still had her number.

She told me to tell you she knows you f*cked her boyfriend and she knows you're dealing again...

And she'll be in touch.

She'll be in touch.

How bad is this, nancy?