03x04 - Guys and Doll

[bunniefuu]

Enjoy this, m*therf*cker.

Who d*ed?

No one yet. What?

Looks like I woke you up this time, huh, Ari?

No, but you did wake my wife and kids, dickhead.

Vinnie better be sitting in prison with a DUI or something. Is he?

No. Then what do you want, c**t muscle?

I'm sorry about the family, all right?

Speak. It's Monday morning, we have the number one movie, officially, and you promised us offers.

Oh, there will be offers.

Be in my office at 11:30 and you'll hear all about 'em.

Nice. Oh, and E?

You have to get up a hell of a lot earlier than this to wake me.

Yeah yeah yeah.

"c**t muscle"?

What's the rush? You don't want to be late for Ari.

Not on a big day like today. Seriously, Vin, they're gonna be offering you everything under the sun.

You don't wanna miss it. Get in the car.

Shut the door. Start the car, Turtle.

Let's go.

Yo, cocksuckers, wait up.

f*ck! Oh, I see.

Does this mean I'm really not getting everything under the sun?

Out, Turtle.

When is this nightmare gonna end?

It's not going to, so you better get used to it.

Sorry I overslept, boss.

So where to? The Jew agent? Whoa whoa, Dom... you don't talk like that out here.

What? They frown upon the word "Jew"?

Seems you got a lot of problems with how I carry myself, E.

Just trying to help you avoid new problems is all, Dom.

What kind of new problems? I'm not the same old Dommy. I'm a new Dom.

I've been rehabilitated by the State of New York.

And they believe in me, so should you.

Come on Vinnie, you're making bank.

You can't get your boy a whole shirt?

You talking to me, jerk off? Take it easy, Dom.

I just don't want you to excite my man here. He's into bad boys.

Aren't you, Lloyd?

Not.

Come on in, boys.

If the Oriental even looks at me, I'm taking him down.

Hey, Dom, you're out here with us.

Right, Ari? You know what?

Today, and today only, I'm gonna open up my doors like Ellis f*cking Island. Come on in.

Bedraggled wretched crew, watch me work my magic.

He must have something good.

He must have something great.

"Flight."

"Dead Poet's Society" in space.

Character-driven, great script, Darren Aronofsky is directing.

They're offering you $8 million.

"The Sandman." You are a ret*rd at a Red Cross tent in the Sahara. It's "Being There" meets "Lawrence of Arabia."

David O. Russell's directing, they're offering you

$9 million. Take it, Vin.

We got a stack of great ones just like those.

So what's the point, Ari?

The point is that they all want our boy, but what our boy wants, we gotta work for.

What do I want?

Is this what goes on in here when we're out in the hall?

The line starts behind me, m*therf*ckers.

This ain't blow. It's powdered cream.

What the f*ck is going on, Ari? Yeah, Ari, what's up?

We're going to the coke capital of the world, that's what's up.

"Medellin." "Medellin"?

"Medellin"? "Medellin"...boom!

You're gonna play Pablo f*ckin' Escobar, just like you wanted.

I thought that script was dead. It was dead.

Then Phil Rubenstein gave it CPR.

He saw "Aquaman," and he loved it.

Holy sh*t! Who's Phil Rubenstein?

He's only the animation king, made like $600 trillion.

Made like, "Madagascar" and "Shrek."

And now he wants to work with real people, and he loves you.

That's great! That's not all.

Paul Haggis is directing it.

First thing since he crashed the Oscars.

Paul Haggis? He loves you too. Only one problem... we gotta get Phil Rubenstein to say yes.

How do we get Phil Rubenstein to say yes?

We go to Santa Barbara and we charm his pants off. All right?

He's gonna throw a kickoff party for his new cult wine, and he invited us. Us?

I do know my wines. I have to clear it with my parole officer if I'm going across county lines, Vince.

Can the boys come? They can come. He needs sleeves.

I'm just saying, tell this guy he can show you the money or tell him he can suck your d*ck.

Dom, it's a little more complicated than that.

Yeah, how so? I just heard the agent tell Vince he has multimillions in offers waiting. But you're making him get on his knees and beg.

You don't think I'm out of line here, Vince?

Not at all, Dom, I think you're making some good points.

Thanks, Vince. Yo...

How good is this shirt gonna look on me?

Not as good as it already looks on me.

Too slow to the draw, hombre.

You can change now.

He's making some good points?

Call Ari and tell him I'm not going to Santa Barbara.

Vince, this is the movie we wanted to do, all right?

It's a chance for you to act, get away from the blue screen and the animatronic fish. This is our "Scarface."

Tell him to make an offer and then we'll talk. 'Cause I ain't kissing no f*cking ass, man. Are you serious?

No, I'm not serious. You know I'd k*ll to do this movie.

But why do you have to argue with Dom? You said you were gonna try to get along with him. I'm trying all right? But the guy is talking about your career and he doesn't know what he's talking about.

Yeah, I'm just trying to get him on his feet. Let him spin his wheels a little, it's not a big deal. It'll build his confidence.

Will you just help me do that, please?

Okay.

Yo, we gotta leave now if we wanna b*at Santa Barbara traffic.

Don't worry about the traffic, Turtle. I've arranged for us to skip it.

Really?

You know, sitting here in this expensive suit, flying in this expensive helicopter, going to an expensive guy's house, I finally feel like I made something in my life.

Thanks, Vince.

I'd feel the same f*cking way if I was wearing that shirt.

Look at this f*cking spread.

This guy can make you a $10 million offer, no problem.

And once he hangs with Vince for five minutes, that's what he's gonna do. Exactly.

Vince, being charming is all about body language, bro.

Vince knows how to charm, Drama.

Yeah, women, but man charm is a totally different animal.

You gotta get in close enough to entice, but not so close as to encroach.

What do you say we forget kissing-the-ring bullshit and I get close to this guy while you're talking to him?

Apply a little pressure.

No, don't do that, Dom. In fact it'd be really great if you don't talk to Rubenstein at all.

I didn't say I was gonna talk. I won't say a word. I'll just stare like this.

Hey hey! You boys are looking sharp.

Hey, thanks, Ari.

Actually I meant the other boys.

Which one's Rubensteinberg, Ari?

It's Rubenstein, and please, don't try to pronounce it again.

Vinnie, let's go get us a gig. You ready?

Hey Vince, remember...

Not too close.

Got any hard alcohol in this place?

'Cause the pruno I made in the joint tastes better than this sh*t.

Wow, this wine is great, Phil.

Congratulations. I'm glad you like it, Vince.

And I just screened "Aquaman" and you were great.

Ahh! Thanks.

I just saw "Madagascar" with my nephew and that was really great.

Oh yeah? Yeah.

In fact, if you have any open animals in the sequel I'd love to be involved.

Great. What kind of an animal could you see yourself playing?

Um, I don't know. A cheetah maybe?

A cheetah. That's great.

Great. You're both great. Let's make a deal.

Ari, could you leave Vince with me for a bit?

Uh, yeah.

Great. Come on, Vince.

I'll show you the vines where I handpick my pinots.

I get toffee, mocha...

...and a hint of terra firma.

Terra firma is dirt, Drama.

Yeah, well wine comes from dirt, E.

I gotta take a leak. I'll be back.

It kind of smells like lead pencils to me.

What does it smell like to you, Ari?

Don't stick a glass in my face, Turtle.

What's with the attitude?

Stop freaking out, Ari. Vince will be fine.

They've been out there for 20 minutes, man.

What are they talking about?

I'm sure Vince is just charming his ass off.

It's just a matter of time before he locks the deal.

As long as Dom don't f*ck it up.

Huh? Look.

f*ck. Jesus.

It's nice to see you still have your childhood friends around you.

Kid never forgot where he came from, never went Hollywood.

Except I think he tweezes his eyebrowses now.

Hey, Dom, let's go get a drink, buddy.

I got a drink, E. Grab another one, they're free.

Come on, all right?

It's okay, Ari. Talking to Dom, I get a real sense who Vince is and where he came from.

Yeah, I'm sure Phil hung out with some pretty crazy guys back in the neighborhood where he's from, huh?

Of course. In fact, I had a childhood friend in Great Neck whose family was...

Jewish mafia.

Ah, the best kind.

How would you like to hear a story that will sum up exactly who Vince is and exactly where he comes from, Phil? I'd love to.

About 10 years ago, me and Vince were out at some dive bar in Queens...

Oh. ...and he hooks up with this hot piece of ass, as usual. And he blows out.

Me, I stay, I get zonked out of my mind, I stumble out into the middle of the street and I see my f*cking car's been stolen.

I don't know what to do, so I call the fuzz, I fill out all the paperwork, but it's 40 below and I'm freezing my balls off.

So I ask 'em, "Can I stay in the back of the squad car?"

They say, "Yeah, sure, no problem."

I'm sitting there, Phil, for 20 minutes when it f*cking hits me:

I didn't drive. My car wasn't stolen, it was parked at my house.

Ha ha, that's a funny story. Let me ask you something, Phil...

That's not the funny part.

Here's the funny part, Phil:

f*cking cops run a check on my registration.

It comes back I got three bench warrants out for my arrest.

Bam, that's it. They got me.

No fuss, no muss. I'm already locked in the back seat of their car.

f*cking idiot I am, I turn myself in by accident.

That's hysterical, Dom. And touching...

'cause I call Vince up 3:00 in the f*cking morning and the kid busts open his piggy bank and bails my ass out.

And the best part? The hot broad that he had with him had a good-looking sister. Right, Vince?

Still to this day, Phil, the best lay I ever had.

That's the kind of guy Vince is.

He's a brother to me, and I love him.

To friendship. There we go.

To friendship.

Now you've said something there.

You mad I told that story?

No, I'm not mad. It was a good story. Great story.

Yeah, except it was me that bailed you out and picked up the two hot sisters.

What? Drama, you're delusional.

What were you drinking tonight?

Paging Mr. Escobar...

Mr. Pablo Escobar...

Don't f*ck with me, Ari.

You're gonna get an offer in the morning.

Are you sure? Yes, I am sure.

Amazing, thank you! Thank you, Vinnie, are you kidding me?

Rubenstein said he could tell that you're a street kid and you get this world. Yeah, thanks to Dom's story.

Stop it. Come on, man. Dom, you did a good job.

Tell him, E. Nope.

Great job, Dom. Come here!

Going to Colombia, baby! Coming through in the clutch!

E, I'm getting used to him, but could we at least soundproof his room?

You got it, Turtle.

So we got an offer? No, we got a problem.

Oh, don't tell me that, Ari. Not today.

You said you were sure. I was.

Just got off the phone with Rubenstein's people.

Somebody robbed his house at the party last night.

What? Stole the original Shrek doll right out of its apparently-impossible- to-break-into case.

Jesus. Cops are all over it.

I don't have to tell you, E, if this comes up smelling bad for us, you can kiss Bogota goodbye.

Why would it come up bad for us?

I'm thinking about your new housemate, E.

Ari, there were 300 people there.

Well 299 of them didn't serve time!

That's a big f*cking accusation.

I'm not making it. But when Rubenstein, who is so distraught over this he can't get out of bed, remembers Dom's little jailhouse stories... he will.

So what did they get?

The original Shrek doll.

You can rule out Turtle. He'd only take a doll he could f*ck.

They got any leads? No, but Ari thinks he does.

Morning, fellas. Morning, Dom.

Hey, Vin, any way you could spot me a couple of bucks?

I found this new service. The broads are hotter but pricier.

No problem. On my dresser.

Be right back to season out the blandness of Drama's cooking.

Heh.

Come on, E. No way. I don't want to point the finger but I'd like to be sure before everyone else inevitably does.

Okay, fine, we'll talk to him, but there's no way.

You want us to sweep the house for that doll? Just in case?

No. Yes.

Just in case.

Let me guess. I'm making too much noise with the whores.

I can ask them to bring it down.

You know, they fake those screams.

They're just for effects anyway.

The girls are fine, Dom.

So what's up, then?

I mean, you got me real nervous here.

Somebody robbed Rubenstein's house last night, took something very valuable.

And you think it was me?

I hate askin'. You are askin'.

Or is E askin'?

Dom, we both hate askin', but the cops are gonna ask and we'd feel better if we spoke to you about it first.

Jesus Christ. My past will always haunt me, huh?

I'm sorry, Dom.

Nah, you shouldn't be.

Truth is, I have stolen. Plenty.

And I hurt lots of people in my lifetime.

But I didn't do this.

I mean, you guys know me since I'm eight years old.

Have I ever done anything to hurt either one of you?

No. No.

And now that you've been so good to me, and allow me back into your home like no time has passed, why would I do this now?

You believe me, right, Vin?

I believe you, Dom.

E?

Yeah, Dom. I believe you.

You're out of your f*cking mind.

I played poker with this guy for 20 years.

He has a worse tell than Malkovich in "Rounders."

Did you see him?

I've played poker with him too. I don't remember that.

It's disgusting, stop!

Vince, I'm telling you, he did it.

I'm telling you I don't think he did.

Should we hit a titty bar?

It's 10:00 in the morning, Dom.

I don't see sh*t.

Yeah, me neither.

Now put that stuff back the way it was.

Was the red shirt on top or was the white?

You gotta be kidding me. I told you to remember exactly what everything was like before you touched it!

Well I forgot, okay? So what do you suggest I do now?

Just throw those out. What?

Those two shirts, throw 'em out.

If he sees that everything is out of order, he's gonna think we were snooping around in here.

But if it's just gone, the f*ck's he gonna say?

Brilliant. Just do it, Turtle, and keep looking.

Where else? We looked everywhere.

Yo, they're coming, they're coming!

Don't be so panicky.

We didn't do anything wrong.

Did you find anything?

No, but I may have figured out a way to descramble the pay-per-view. For real?

Yeah. Nice.

f*ck are you guys doing?

We were just checking out the plumbing.

You find anything?

No. All clear.

Yo, we gonna be able to get Spice?

It represents a turning point in my career, in my life!

Phil, I understand you're upset.

I am upset for you, okay?

But you can't just go randomly pointing a finger.

I mean, this is America. My maid saw him upstairs, Ari.

Maybe he had to use the bathroom.

Because there was a problem with the 10 I have downstairs?

Phil, I feel for your loss, I do.

But we can't go throwing away a huge movie that's gonna be as special as "Shrek" someday based on a hunch.

A hunch is what got me to drop out of law school against my family's wishes.

And I have a hunch now that I know who did this.

But I don't even care about catching him.

I just want my doll back!

Come on, we'll make a little Pablo Escobar doll, Phil, and we'll put it in Shrek's place.

Phil? Phil? Phi...

The doll or "Medellin"? The doll or "Medellin."

I don't know what you want me to say 'cause we don't have the doll.

Then you don't have "Medellin."

What, do think I'm hiding the f*cking thing, Ari?

What I think is that you guys have got blinders on.

No, I think you just grew up in a place where it's okay to accuse anyone who doesn't look like they went to Harvard.

No, I grew up in a place where if you're accused of something, chances are you've done something wrong.

Yeah, well Vince doesn't think he did it, so what the f*ck do you want me to tell you, Ari?

Tell me if you think he did it.

Ah! So you do.

Look, it doesn't matter what I think. We need proof.

Oh, is that all? Well, why don't we go get some?

I only brought five shirts with me and two of them are gone.

Can't help you, Dom.

40% of my wardrobe goes missing and you guys don't know d*ck about it?

Nope.

Vince? They don't wear your size, Dom.

Hey, what's going on?

What's going on is we know Dom took the doll.

Ari... Vinnie, I got proof.

f*ck you, you don't got sh*t.

Listen, you return the doll and everything will be forgiven, okay?

There's nothing to forgive 'cause I don't got it.

All right, what kind of proof do you have?

Security tapes from Rubenstein's house.

You think the guy's got a billion dollars in the bank and doesn't have cameras everywhere?

The jig is up, baby.

Dom? He's bluffing.

Am I? Yeah.

'Cause I didn't steal it, so I can't be on that tape.

I'm gonna press play. Press it.

And if I'm on there I'll suck your cock on Rodeo Drive.

But if I'm not, I'm gonna cr*ck open your f*ckin' head.

Either way, I lose.

Yeah, either way you lose, so f*ckin' press the button.

All right, you ready?

Aw, Jesus, Ari! What the f*ck is wrong with you?

Hey, any sh*ts of us at the bat mitzvah?

All right, I'm bluffing. I'll f*ckin' k*ll him!

Put Shrek back in his cage!

I did this to save your ass, okay?

Ari, get the f*ck out. Everyone knows this guy did it.

This is the worst thing you've ever done. Get out.

I'm gonna call you later. I'm leaving on my own.

Hey, Vince... You know what? f*ck you too, Eric.

And f*ck you guys. What did we do?

Dom's our boy since we were kids.

Have we gone so Hollywood we forget how to treat family?

You know, f*ck this movie, E.

In fact, f*ck Hollywood.

I would rather be working at the Dairy Barn than to listen to people accuse my boy.

You know why? 'Cause I know Dom would never intentionally do anything to f*ck me over.

You know, don't you? I do now.

Know what? How?

You scratched your neck when you told Ari he was bluffing.

Really? See, that was his tell in cards, not that stupid sh*t you keep doing.

I feel like sh*t about this.

Where the f*ck is it, Dom?

I knew we needed a strip-search.

No, you knew you wanted a strip-search.

You know you could have cost Vince this movie?

I didn't mean to. Why did you do it?

I don't know, Vin. I seen "Shrek" like 400 times in the joint, you know, 'cause you can't watch adult content.

And when I saw it, I just grabbed it.

I was gonna put it back, I swear to my mother, but this one maid, she kept looking at me the whole night like she knew.

Thought about taking her out to protect you.

But then I thought it was just best to deny.

No excuses, but I am sorry.

Yeah, I'm sorry too, Dom.

I'm gonna go see if I can catch Ari.

I'd wash that.

That little monster spent the night inside the most unsavory woman.

Jesus. Here, put that in the sink.

And I wouldn't call Ari. I wouldn't even return it.

No body, no crime.

Look, he said all we gotta do is return the doll and we're all good.

It's the oldest trick in the book, E.

You'll return it, they'll still slap the cuffs on me and take away the movie.

He's right. Yeah, you're right.

That's the best career advice you've ever given, Dom.

I got an idea.

Come on, guys, admit it. You miss him a little.

A very little.

He's only at the Oakwoods.

A Hummer and an apartment. That's not a bad severance package.

No, not bad at all. This is it.

Rock, paper, scissors.

No, I'll do it. I got the better arm.

Please.

Afternoon, Lloyd. Hey.

He's just finishing up a call, but go on in.

You two, out. It was a one-time thing.

What's the word, Ari? Got anything new to report?

Yeah, I just got a call from Rubenstein.

Apparently they found his doll somehow.

Oh!

So we're all good then, right? No, we're not.

Just got off the phone with Warner Brothers.

They're so excited about the "Aquaman" opening that they've green-lit "Aquaman 2."

Well that's good, no? Naw.

Start date is September 8th, same day as "Medellin."