03x05 - Crash and Burn

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Ari. Where are you?

It sounds like you're getting f*cked with a jackhammer.

$10 in the curse jar, Daddy. Sorry, baby.

I'm test-driving a new car. Matchbox or Hot Wheels?

Funny. Vince feels bad about giving away my Maserati.

Wow! When my father gave away my car I was forced to lose my virginity on the back of a moped.

What do you want? The road to Bogota starts here, E.

You want "Medellin," you got to get Warner Brothers to dry-dock "Aquaman 2" for 90 days.

Just talk to Haggis' people. That's what they need.

We'll tell Alan that when we see him.

He's the head of the studio, E.

We don't tell him sh*t. We ask nicely.

Ari, Vince really wants to do "Medellin."

He already started learning Spanish.

I know. He left 15 messages on the machine.

The wife thinks I'm f*cking the gardener.

What the f*ck?!

11:00, E. Don't be late.

A little early, isn't it, Gold?

That your car, Max?

Yeah.

It's blocking my driveway.

Oh, sorry. My driver must've forgotten to move it.

If I give you the keys, pull it around for me?

Who's in charge of you? I'd like to speak to an adult.

My folks are skiing Gstaad.

You want to complain about me, you can try my agent or my housekeeper.

Inez's English is for sh*t, but she's home.

Make sure that I don't see you anywhere near my daughter.

You like it?

Yeah, I like it, but I don't need it.

But you'll take it?

Yeah, I'll take it.

Good to see you finally embracing your inner mooch, E.

What about you, Johnny? You pick?

Really, Vince? Oh, I don't know.

Come on, we took down Spidey!

What kind of Aquaman would I be if I didn't take care of my super friends?

Oh, who loves you, bro? I'll take blue.

So, this beast is for me?

Actually, Turtle, I have another surprise in store for you.

Really?

Big Boy is gonna play one of Saigon's tracks on the air.

Are you serious? I've been trying to get him airplay for a year.

He's gonna give your number to anyone who calls in.

Get out of here! That's awesome, Vince. Thank you.

Am I getting a car? Oh, Jesus.

I thought that was better than a car. Greedy bastard.

Nice, Turtle. You're right, it is better. I'm sorry.

I mean, I figure Saigon blows up, you might actually be able to buy your own things.

You're right. I want to be able to stand on my own.

Thank you, Vince.

I'm just f*cking with you.

Of course you're gonna get one. Tool.

Idiot. Tool idiot with an Aston Martin.

So we're gonna take all these to the studio?

Unless you think we're gonna look like schmucks driving the same car.

We'd be schmucks in Jettas. In Aston Martins we look good.

And independently wealthy. Good point.

Last one on the lot pays tax and title.

f*ck that. Oh, Turtle.

Put on Big Boy. Now?

Yeah, right now.

Yeah, baby.

Vince, it don't stop ringing.

Hello? Yeah, I represent him.

Can I call you back in an hour when I get to my office?

Vince, this is getting nuts. You think Ari would talk to me?

Why would Ari talk to you? 'Cause I'm in play.

Hello? Yeah, he's my guy.

What, I'm not Persian enough to get one of those, Vince?

Get us 90 days and then we'll talk.

Vince, last time you were here I told you I wanted you in the Warner's family, right?

Well now, I'm gonna show you how we treat family.

Dana.

I'm like the studio's Vanna White.

That's some allowance.

Yeah, about $1 million more than your old one.

Wow. Thank you.

No, Vince, thank you.

Now we feel this is the start of a very very successful relationship.

Yeah, uh, listen...

Vince is so excited that we're doing "Aquaman 2."

That's good to hear. But before we get into...

Before we jump into the t*nk, Vinnie's got a little passion project that he was really hoping to sink his teeth into.

Well, passion's important, right? What is it, Vince?

It's Paul Haggis's "Medellin." Pablo Escobar's story.

"Medellin"! Hell of a script.

Wow, Vince, that's a great role for you.

What do you need from me? We, uh... we have a slight scheduling conflict. Very slight.

Mm-hmm, and you'd like me to push back our start date.

That's all we're asking.

Well, for how long? I've got a water t*nk the size of the Staples Center out on stage five.

Who's gonna pay my utility bill?

Well, I have a $1 million check. How big of a bill is it?

90 days, that's it.

It'll really give people a chance to see a different side of me.

You realize how important this franchise is to the studio though, right?

I do. And it's important to me too.

I could give you 65 days.

Will that help?

Enormously.

So what are we supposed to do with 65 days?

What are you talking about? Paul Haggis comes from TV.

He could sh**t 40 pages in a day. He can do this.

I hope so. What's wrong, Johnny?

This guy's been on the phone the whole time.

Vince, I need help.

I got to get back to the office. Anything else I can do for you?

Just set the Haggis meeting. Already done. What else?

Pray. Done. What else?

Ahem!

Uh, I want you to talk to Turtle. He needs some help with Saigon.

What, is he moving there? He's my rapper, Ari, and he's blowing up.

Okay, you got five minutes. No, I need a sit-down.

He needs a sit-down. Okay, you know what?

I'm going to be at Equinox. I'll be at the juice bar.

Triple berry dreamsicles on me, okay?

I was thinking someplace more like Spago.

You know, where people would see me with you.

1:00, no sweatsuit. Fair enough.

Are you 100% el certainto it was Max?

Yes, Miss Sarah, she was on phone with that Max talking about a boat trip.

Damn. Did she catch you?

No no, but when I asked about her plans for today she said nothing.

She never lied to me before, Mr. Ari.

But she lied! She lied!

I know, it's that Max. He's trying to steal our little girl's soul.

It's all right. Listen, you keep an ear out.

You got a big gift for Navidad coming, okay?

Was that Mr. Gold on the phone?

No, that was El Salvador.

Okay, Johnny, you gonna tell me what's wrong?

Oh, nothing. I guess I'm the only guy in this house that doesn't measure up to the Gold standard.

You want to talk to Ari? Is that it?

I've been waiting to talk to Ari for five years.

I'm an actor with no agent.

You know what they say, an actor with no agent is...

Is what? Is f*cked.

All right, I'll call Ari, but I can't make him represent you.

Putting me in a room with him for a real discussion is all I can ask.

He wants us to share a meeting? That's ridiculous.

Especially since I had the meeting first.

Ari's a busy guy.

That's fine. I'll take what I can get. Thank you, bro.

So you're just gonna hijack my meeting, Drama?

Hey, f*ck off, Turtle. If it wasn't for me, none of you guys would even be out here.

If it wasn't for Vince, none of us would have stayed.

Yeah, well... Well what?

Shotgun. Shotgun?

On the meeting, I talk first. Vince!

The guy called shotgun.

All right, it's time. Let's go bag us some Haggis.

Let's do it.

Yeah, I got to roll to my meeting too.

Our meeting, and I go first.

Not if I b*at you there. I called shotgun!

Hey!

Math club, huh, baby? Yeah, should be fun.

Never heard of a math club going on a boat before.

Oh, it's just a bunch of really smart kids, that's all.

Not smart enough.

How do you know it's Max? A father always knows when his daughter's lying, baby, and it's heartbreaking.

I'm not your baby. I'm 14 years old and you're spying on me.

You can't keep us apart forever. I love him!

Lis... Sar...

Too slow, jerk-off. Oh no!

Hey!

First. That's bullshit. I called shotgun.

You can't then go and call first and negate that.

Your shotgun was called off location so it means sh*t.

We're on location now. So?

So, shotgun.

Hey, E. Yeah?

Ari says Haggis is a little intense.

I don't want to freak him out. So what do you want to do?

Just keep him calm. How?

Whatever he says, just tell him we'll work it out.

What does that mean?

Means we'll work it out.

We always do, right? Exactly.

Let's go get him.

He's performed live 100 times.

Just 'cause you haven't heard of him till now doesn't mean sh*t.

You know what? Call me then, I've got to go.

Huh. Sorry about that, Ari.

You know how it is. It's nonstop.

Turn your f*cking ringer off, Turtle, my time is precious.

It's ringing again, Ari. I'm sorry.

Enough with the sorrys. The clock is ticking, let's go.

Okay, here we go. I got a two-phase plan.

First, there's 500 CDs pressed and sitting in the trunk of my car.

So what, you want me to sell them with you on the promenade?

You cr*ck me up, Ari.

The second phase of the plan is what I need you for.

I mean, A&R guys have been calling me all day.

I need you to back me with the suits.

He's gonna get a deal, Ari, guaranteed. I'm gonna get a piece of that?

No, you're gonna get a piece of his acting career.

Does he act? All rappers act.

Vince said you were gonna come here and listen to me...

"Vince said he'd throw me a piece of p*ssy because he's famous."

Whatever you want, Turtle. Okay, I will rep you.

All right, next. Impress me, Drama.

Okay.

Every small boy has a dream, Ari.

For some, that dream is to soar to the heavens as an astronaut. For others, it's to step out onto a Broadway... All right, I'll rep you.

Really? You'll put me on your client list?

If we don't have to stay for coffee, yeah.

How the f*ck am I supposed to turn a 90-day sh**t into 65 days?

We'll work it out.

Vince, in order to sh**t this movie in Colombia I had to negotiate with the government, the drug lords, the FARC rebels and the f*cking right-wing militia death squads, and you want me to undo all that? You out of your mind?

We'll work it out. Why's he keep saying that?

Because he believes we can.

All right, look, Paul. We just want you to think about how we can do this, because we all really want to do it.

Well, it's real easy. All you have to do is cut 30% of your key scenes.

I don't want to do that. Come on, we all have to compromise.

Okay, how about... oh, how about this one here?

This is the one where you're being hunted and you go to your mom and you tell her you love her... And she spits in my face.

I love that scene. Yeah, it's a good one. It's gone.

Let's see. What else? Paul, I don't want to tell you about your business, but can't you just sh**t the movie quicker?

I mean, how long did it take you to sh**t "Crash"?

Vince, I loved what I saw of "Aquaman."

Thank you. This is not "Aquaman."

In this movie I want you to play what I like to call a human being.

See, together I want to humanize one of the greatest monsters of all time.

What I want is even after the audience sees you ruthlessly slaughter like 1,000 people, I still want them to care.

I want them to care so much that when you die they f*cking weep.

They won't want to. They'll hate themselves for it.

But they will f*cking weep.

I have to do this movie.

Paul, he's got a contract. A contract? Ah!

If I let contracts rule my life, I'd still be doing "The Facts of Life" rather than hanging with my boys.

Thanks, Esteban. Okay.

Hey, Ariel Gold. Hey, Penny.

Only my mom calls me that and still I better have a fever of 103.

How are you? Okay.

I was just up seeing one of your guys. Oh yeah? Who?

We're looking at Jimmy Whitaker for the Encyclopedia Brown trilogy.

Jimmy Whitaker, the pride and joy of my young burgeoning teen division.

Yeah, I'll tell you what, let's make a deal.

You do the whole "schlemiel, schlimazel, Hasenpfeffer Incorporated" he's all yours, all right? Don't be a schmuck, Ari, okay?

What? It's a great project.

It's gonna be a heck of a franchise.

The first one takes place in the Kremlin.

Really? Good luck faking Moscow in Vancouver.

No no no. The hell with Vancouver.

We're doing it right. 24 weeks in Kazakhstan.

Kazakhstan? Mm-hmm.

Jimmy Whitaker is a spoiled prick.

You want to hire Max Ballard. He's Dakota Fanning with a d*ck.

I heard Ballard was difficult.

He's my next-door neighbor. He is humble as pie.

I have been trying to sign that kid for years.

Wow, Ari. He's not even one of your guys.

I am a team player. Boom! You owe me. Come here.

Max Ballard. Ballard.

Quit smoking. All right.

Uh-oh. What happened, E?

Haggis trying to cast you as a pygmy drug mule?

Vince wants off "Aquaman." What is this, deja vu all over again?

What did Haggis say? He said he needs all 90 days.

Noah can build an ark and save all of God's creatures in 40 days.

He can't sh**t a movie in 65?

Is there anything you can do? I can't control Haggis.

Well what if we call Cameron? I can't even believe he's ready to do "A2" so soon.

He's not signed on to do "A2."

What? He just signed on to do the first one.

Then why is Vince signed on for three?

That's the way it works with actors.

Cameron was the only reason I did the movie in the first place. Who's directing?

Michael Bay. Jesus Christ!

They're just rushing this thing out. Listen, Vinnie.

This is what studios do. The thing is a monster hit.

They're just trying to take advantage of it, that's all.

I haven't even seen a script. They're working on it.

Andrew Kevin Walker writing? Kevin Smith.

Oh boy. f*ck you, Ari. I want off this movie.

We'll go to Warner's, we'll ask them for more days.

There are no more days. What are you talking about? You were there.

Alan was nice enough to give us 65. He didn't even have to do that.

I'm not doing this movie. Vince, you signed a contract.

And I know that you are a man of your word.

Oh yeah, and are you? Are you a man of your word, Ari?

I never lied to you. You told me if I did "Aquaman," that I could get "Medellin." You got "Medellin." I can't help the timing. Listen, I would if I could. Remember, I don't get paid sh*t on this.

It all goes to my former employer.

Look, Vinnie, I know that you would k*ll that role.

I know the timing sucks. But be a man.

I'll call Haggis, tell him I'm off the movie.

I'm sorry, Vinnie.

Just running this sh*t all day, huh? All day.

This keeps up, you'll have to get your own channel on Sirius.

Yeah, I got to say, Turtle, took you longer than you promised, man, but you came through.

You ain't seen nothing yet.

Hey, yo, Keshawn, let me get the box, man.

Yo, you got me a gift? Just a little something.

Sai, don't go spending all your money just yet, man.

Try it on. Yo, I can't accept this.

No, don't worry. They're CZs but I plan on replacing them as soon as I can afford it.

That's tight, man. Thank you.

Oh, hey, Paul. Hey. I couldn't sleep.

I just keep trying to picture this movie without Vince and I can't do it.

Well, what can we do?

Brainstorm.

I got nothing. Nothing.

Nothing. Nothing.

Nothing.

You ever consider cutting out all the flashbacks, Paul?

No. Now this may be Ret*rded, or maybe I'm just baked, but you said you wanted Vince to gain 50 lbs. For the part, right?

70. It's more authentic.

Right, but you still need him skinny for the early years.

Yeah. So you sh**t the first half now before "Aquaman 2" while he's skinny.

sh**t the second half after he wraps when Vince piles on the pasta.

Like De Niro in "Raging Bull." Like Clooney in "Syriana."

Or Johnny Chase in "The Commish" when I played that bulimic pedophile.

Did you see that one, Paul? No.

But you know what?

This could work. You think?

This could f*cking work, man. Definitely.

f*ckin' A!

Good work, E.

Yeah well, somebody's got to make sh*t happen when you can't.

Save one pat on your back for me. Huh, buddy?

Yeah yeah yeah. Look, you've got to call Alan.

Tell him Vince wants to take him out to dinner to say thanks.

Wow, our boy is really becoming a man now, huh?

I'll talk to you later, Ari.

Call Alan at Warner. Set up a dinner for four, please.

Today is going to be a big day. For you maybe.

Some guy at Atlantic Records keeps calling me every 10 minutes.

What does he want? I have no idea.

He just keeps saying something about Saigon.

Saigon? That's interesting.

Get him on the phone right now. Right now? Okay.

Oh, in the hole! Just like Tiger at Sawgrass.

Yeah, more like my six-year-old niece at Nunley's.

Are you kidding? Atlantic Records called you?

Sony and Interscope too. Holy sh*t!

Anyway, tell Vince and E 8:00 at The Palms with Alan.

8:00 at The Palm with Alan. What else, Ari?

Just make sure they're on time, Turtle. I got to go.

Wait, Ari. Yeah, Turtle?

Are you f*cking with me? A little bit.

This is sick, right? It is sick.

As soon as we settle this stuff with Vince I'm gonna set up some meetings.

Your boy's gonna get a deal. Holy sh*t.

I think your life's about to change, Turtle.

What happened?

Saigon is gonna get a deal!

Ari just said my life was gonna change.

Awesome. Come on. Congratulations, buddy.

Thank you, E. Good work.

Vince, thank you so much. That Big Boy thing put me over the top.

Hey, I'm happy for you, bro. I'm happy for you.

Come to Daddy, sweetie.

She still mad at me?

No, she's mad at Max now. What did he do?

Took a movie in Kazakhstan.

I'm so glad our daughter's tears make you so happy.

Baby, those tears mean our little girl's gonna stay our little girl for at least another day.

Ari...

Now how about a quick blowjob before my Vince dinner?

What?

Order whatever you want, Drama, it's on me.

I don't need you to pay for sh*t of mine, Turtle.

With Ari on my side my life's about to change also.

You know, we had "Medellin" first over at my studio.

Really? Sure, yeah.

Let it go. Why?

Couldn't budget under 130 days.

I was shocked when you said Haggis was doing it in 90.

Shocked. Didn't think it was possible.

So you must have thought it was really impossible to do it in 65 days, huh?

Mm-hmm.

So essentially you sent us on a fool's errand?

Well, a little bit. We delivered.

Oh, yes we did. And we owe you. Thank you.

Can't let you do it.

What do you mean? Well...

You said if I was back on November 1 st...

Vince, I've got a billion-dollar franchise to protect.

Happy Meals, action figures.

I can't risk all that having my Aquaman doing three hours of blow in every multiplex in the country.

But, Alan, you looked me in the eyes and you said that you'd do this for me.

You gave me your word. I'm sorry.

Alan, a man is only as good as his word.

Vince, it's just business. Not personal.

Oh. Just business.

All right, then I want 20 million to do "A2" or I quit. Nothing personal.

Sorry, I'm late. Date night with the wife.

She thinks I'm getting popcorn. What did I miss?