03x12 - Sorry, Ari

[bunniefuu]

f*ck you doing, Vince?

I can't sleep. Why not?

I think we should fire Ari.

What's wrong? I had a nightmare.

Was I with another man?

No, Vince was.

I think he's gonna fire me today.

No, he screwed up good this time, Vince. There's no denying it.

You had this movie, a movie that you love, and he f*cked it up.

Put a b*llet in him. Be done with it.

Leave the g*n, take the cannolis.

You're awfully quiet, Johnny.

I think everyone should just take a moment, try my eggs Florentine and take a deep breath.

You think I should keep Ari even after this?

I'm not sure what you should do, bro.

But I do know you don't make a decision this big on emotion.

And you don't make it till you know what's next.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, nobody appreciates their girlfriend until they get herpes from the next broad.

Know what I'm saying? No, I don't.

Do you know what he's saying? Nope.

I'm saying you don't dump your girlfriend until you're flirting with a couple other young hotties.

See what other agents are out there, hmm?

It's not a bad idea. Yeah, I do have a couple.

Yeah, I'll meet other agents after I fire Ari.

I like it, Vince. Icy cold.

You know it. Give him a call, E.

Oh, yeah, real icy.

Fine, I'll call.

Hi, E.

It's not E, Lloyd. It's Vince. Hi.

Hi, Vince.

Is he in? I'm not sure. Hold on, let me check.

It's Vince.

This is starting early. Tell E I'll call him back.

It's not E, Ari. It's Vince.

Vince? He called himself?

Jesus Christ, this is not good.

Tell him I'm not here. Really?

Yeah, first rule as an agent is you never take an angry client's call unless you have good news that will make him smile, all right?

Now go make an excuse, any excuse, and get Alan Gray on the phone.

I already called. Call him again.

I gotta get Vince's movie back. Now go, Lloyd, go!

I am so sorry, Vince. He is not here.

Oh, well... then when he gets in, tell him I'd like to have lunch.

He wants to have lunch.

Vince, I've got his schedule. There's no way he can make lunch.

He has a ginormously important lunch already planned.

Okay, then tell him to call me back.

Okay, I will.

Why the f*ck did you just tell him I had a more important lunch?

Do you think that's gonna put a smile on his face?

What did you want me to say? That I have a huge wart on my cock that needs removal would have been better.

Wake the f*ck up, Lloyd.

That's Alan Gray's assistant. What does it say?

It says, "Alan will see you at 10:30."

It's 10:10. How the f*ck am I gonna make it to the Valley?

By running, Ari, by running!

He had a ginormously huge lunch. Is that even a word?

I don't know. Well, whether it is or it isn't he should be eating breakfast, lunch and dinner with you.

He should be over here making the f*cking beds.

Ari doesn't like us anymore. "Boutique Ari" loved us.

"Big Agency Ari" doesn't.

Ari does not appreciate the little guy.

Have I become the little guy?

It's just an expression. This is every agency card any of us have been handed over the past five years.

You saved 'em all?

Yeah, like there's something weird about that.

Come on, we each pick one. Bro.

f*ck it. Ari's a d*ck. Let's flirt.

Okay, Rick Zimmerman, InterTalent.

Didn't they close in, like, 1990?

Oh, yeah, that was given to me during my "Midnight Caller" recurring.

Why don't we just call Terrance?

And have Vince repped by E's girlfriend's father?

What if she dumps him? It's a good point.

Please. I'll call the majors.

Make this easy.

Oh, yeah, I remember her.

Bitch.

23 minutes to the Valley. I'm like Chuck Yeager.

Uh-huh, he's waiting.

Do you need a drink? I'm all good.

Morning, Alan. You've got two minutes, Ari.

Be grateful for that. I am, Alan, I am.

So let me guess. This Ramones project has been causing some discomfort between you and your biggest client.

Hemorrhoids cause discomfort, Alan.

This is more like open-heart surgery.

Well, maybe you should take this as a sign, Ari.

I mean, you made your name in TV packaging anyway.

Maybe talent relations just isn't your thing.

What the hell you mad at me for, Alan?

I did everything I could to get Vince on "A2."

He's a kid. He made a mistake.

You know he'd k*ll as Joey Ramone.

Well, maybe he would, maybe he wouldn't.

But I do know that Jake Gyllenhaal definitely will.

I saw some of his camera tests for "A2." He's brilliant.

You know what my only regret is, Ari?

That I didn't put Jake in "A1."

Because I could only imagine it would have been even bigger.

Alan, that's not really fair, okay? Vince was great.

Well, thank you, Dana, but you're here to take notes, not offer opinions. Since there really aren't any notes to be taken, you don't need to be here at all, do you, hmm?

Come to think of it, neither do I.

It's two minutes, Ari. Goodbye.

Hard to believe that you've been divorced three times, Alan.

This is weird. I've never had another agent.

I don't even know what to look for.

Well, let me be your guide, Vince. Over the years, I've developed a foolproof system for judging the merits of a prospective agency. I guess you've had a lot of practice, considering how many times you've been dropped.

Never officially dropped, Turtle.

Although one did move without telling me.

Now what's your system? I judge an agency on four categories... decor, service, amenities and ambiance.

Give up to 10 points for each category.

The agency with the highest overall score wins.

I originally devised it for my visits to day spas, but it's perfectly applicable.

Yeah, I'm sure there's a direct correlation between Vince's career and your anti-aging regimen.

I give 'em a six for decor.

I mean, what kind of self-respecting agency has fake plants in their lobby?

I don't think they're fake. There's a girl over there watering them.

Yeah, maybe the water's fake, huh, Drama?

Hi, Vince. I'm Vanessa, Gene's assistant.

I love the decor. Hi.

And you must be Eric, hi. How are you?

I'm Turtle. How you doing? Hi.

And you are? Not for sale, honey.

Well, everyone's waiting for you guys down at the conference room.

If you gentlemen would like to follow me.

We'll be out soon.

Didn't even offer us a drink. That's a zero for service.

Yeah, but still, I'd give 'em a 10 for amenities if she'll let me service that ass.

The way we see it, you're not just an actor, Vince.

You're not just a movie star.

You, sir, are a brand.

Mercedes...

Coca-Cola, two of the most recognizable names on the planet.

Vincent Chase.

We intend to make you as popular as both of them.

Vince has called three times, Ari.

That's three times more than he called all of last year.

I know. He keeps calling me, too, and I got an e-mail.

I didn't even know he knew how to do that.

I have other information. Yeah.

It's also regarding Vince.

Speak or I will intern you like it's 1942.

I am not Japanese, Ari. Speak!

Vince is taking a meeting with another agency.

How do you know that? The Gay Mafia has been replaced by the Gay Assistant Corps, Ari.

We know all.

He'll be at Le Petit Four at 1:30 meeting with Andy Left.

Jesus, he's gonna humiliate me in public after all these years.

I know. It's all so sinister.

I hate break-ups. It ain't over yet.

Call Left's office and tell him it's Eric.

Ari.

Oh, it's h*tler's evil twin. I need to talk to you.

You know, Dana, the only time I've ever enjoyed talking to you is when your mouth has been full. Okay, is that nice?

Ari, I have Left's office.

Hey, Mr. Murphy. Hey, bro, listen, I hate to cancel on such short notice, but Vince isn't gonna be able to make lunch.

Sorry, bro. Oh my God. Hold on. Let me get Andy.

You don't need to do that. Just tell him he's a great big f*g.

All right, see ya.

That's nice, Ari. You ain't seen nothing yet.

What's up, Dana?

I'm gonna tell you something, but you have to swear it's not gonna come back to me. As always, hand on heart.

Ari, please. I swear.

Alan's not gonna make this movie.

He bought it just to spite Vince, and he's gonna stick it in a drawer.

Jesus, he really is crazy. Mm-hmm.

Why you telling me this? Because I hate working for him, and I want out. And, Ari, come on.

I mean, I love this movie. I grew up on the Ramones, and I love it for Vince, so get me on as a producer.

Sure, how?

It's Alan's movie. No, not yet it isn't.

They're still negotiating Bob's perk package.

So just make sure he doesn't sign those papers.

Dana, I have never cheated on my wife, not since she became my wife, but if you want to jerk me in the car right now, I'm game.

Rain check, Ari.

Was a little corporate, huh?

Yeah, I felt like I was in Tr*mp's boardroom.

Well, an overall score of 22.5 doesn't bode well for them anyway.

Yeah, but still, if that assistant calls me back, maybe we should go with 'em.

Hasn't Vince gotten you laid enough, Turtle?

Well, that depends. What's your definition of enough?

Come on, the search continues. Hi, how are you?

We're here to meet Andy Left for lunch.

Andy Left canceled his reservation over an hour ago.

Are you sure? That's what it says, yeah.

The guy doesn't even bother to call you?

I'd say that's a substantial point loss in the service area.

Forget about points, Turtle. That earns Left a bitch-slap.

Take it easy, Drama. I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.

Andy Left's office. Hey, Lamar, right?

It's Eric Murphy. I'm standing outside Le Petit Four with Vincent Chase. They said that Andy canceled lunch.

You canceled lunch, Eric. I didn't cancel anything, Lamar.

Uh-huh, and I suppose that you didn't call Andy a big f*g, either.

What? Andy would have shed blood, sweat and tears for Vince, but he has his principles.

Somebody f*cked with us, canceled our lunch, said I called Andy a big f*g.

Ari. Definitely!

He's cockblocking, Vin. Yeah, but how did he know?

Because he's Ari, and he's a dirty sweaty scumbag, but he's good. Ari, it's E.

You need to call us back now. No answer.

Oh, he's definitely avoiding us. Definitely.

It's the right move, like when I wanted to dump Rhona Davies.

She knew about it, and moved to Australia.

I had to wait two whole years to tell her we were through.

f*ck it, what's next?

We got Josh Weinstein at 3:00. Really?

How do you think Ari's gonna take that one?

Josh Weinstein?

Are you f*cking kidding me?

I'm not, and I tried your little lunch cancelation trick, but he was onto it somehow. Josh f*cking Weinstein!

I don't believe it. I'd rather Vince f*ck my wife.

No, Ari, no!

Just keep me informed, Lloyd.

Open up the g*dd*mn door, Bob!

Go away, Ari, or I'm calling my security company.

And they're all ex-Navy SEALs.

Bob, stop. I come bearing gifts.

I don't want gifts. I want quiet.

Bob, you've known me 20 years, all right? Let me in.

What kind of gifts do you have?

My car.

750i BMW, 3,300 miles, built-in iPod dock.

Oak dash. It's beautiful.

You own it, or you lease it? I lease it, but I will continue to make the payments until it expires, unless you expire first.

You're desperate, huh?

Bob, I will strip down naked and breakdance through Beverly Hills if it will get you not to sign that deal with Alan.

I don't want your junk. All I want to do is make the movie.

That's all I ever wanted. Bob...

Alan's not going to make that movie with you, never ever.

Oh, that's complete bullshit.

No, it's not. It's the truth. You gotta trust me.

Trust you... oh, ho.

Why the hell should I trust you?

Because I spoke to someone, Bob, someone who knows.

Who? Doesn't matter who. What matters is it's the truth. That's not good enough. I need proof.

I can't reveal my sources.

I promised I wouldn't talk. Go home, Ari.

Dana Gordon, V.P. Of production with Alan.

I used to f*ck her back in the day, so she owes me.

Ah.

Like the fish. Like the artwork.

Ooh, I like her and her and her.

Looks like about 40 points to me, huh, Johnny?

Slow down, Vince. We haven't seen the underbelly yet.

There's an underbelly? Don't be ignorant, E.

There's always an underbelly. Vince, E.

I knew someday our paths would cross again.

Good to see you, Josh. Great to see you, Vince.

And you, Johnny, are you looking for representation as well?

Heard about the Ed Burns pilot. It's a great script.

Today, I wanna focus on Vince, but you call me tomorrow if you have any needs that aren't being met.

May, get these guys some drinks.

Oh, and, Turtle, all my assistants love to f*ck.

I ask 'em when they interview. True story.

Come on in, guys. The whole team's waiting.

We're so excited. I love it here.

Underbelly, Turtle.

Underbelly.

You feeling this? Definitely.

Apple...

Canon...

Vincent Chase.

Are you happy, Ari? Or is this madness that will turn on me on a moment's notice? This is happiness, Lloyd.

This is pure heterosexual male happiness.

So Bob was receptive? Bob was lucid.

Bob was coherent. Bob was amiable.

Bob could come to no other conclusion than to return this film to its rightful owner...

Vincent Chase.

I like when you're happy, Ari.

You know, Vince was my first discovery.

I built other stars' careers, but he was mine.

I saw him in this commercial, and I said, "This kid has got something," and I was right.

He's more than a client, Lloyd.

He's like my baby.

I love Vince, Lloyd.

Ari Gold's office.

It's Dana Gordon. And I love Dana Gordon, too.

I love you, Dana Gordon.

You swore you would keep your mouth shut, you slimy piece of sh*t.

Dana...

Even though I know what a lowlife you are...

I always trusted you.

Ditto, Dana, ditto. But you f*cked me.

I was desperate, Dana.

Ari, you have one day to find me another job, or the next time I see you at The Palm, I'm going to squeeze your f*cking d*ck with a claw cr*cker, all right?

Miss Gordon, I'm afraid your five minutes are up.

It's time to go. f*ck you!

Put one hand on me, and I scream r*pe.

This is a classic example of not judging a book by its cover.

That place was all surface. You were right, Drama.

All surface. I don't believe any of those assistants love to f*ck.

You couldn't even get a number, huh, Turtle?

Not a one. This is depressing.

Maybe we just go without an agent.

Drama did that for 10 years. Really worked for him.

Suck it, Turtle.

Did you sign those papers, Bob?

You know, you got that poor girl fired, Ari.

Did you sign them? I-I felt terrible about calling Alan, but this is my baby, and she was messing with my baby. Bob!

I made a 50-year career, a half-century career trusting my instincts, Ari.

And what the f*ck did your instincts tell you, Bob?

They told me it's a different world out there today.

Different players. Different ethics.

Different bullshit.

It's a lot less fun, and I don't like it.

Bob!

I signed the papers, Ari.

I don't know if I was right, but I signed the damn papers.

I'm over this town.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, me too, Bob.

Me too.

I don't have anything good to tell Vince.

Just get him on the phone. Let me take what's coming.

How is it to take it in the ass anyway, Lloyd?

I don't know, Ari. I'm on top.

Come on, really?

Anyway, make the call.

No. No what?

No, I will not call.

Oh, f*ck, this is not gonna be another one of your "q*eer As Folk" pep talks, is it, Lloyd?

Yes, Ari, yes, it is. And it's gonna be a good one.

Look, you said first rule of an agent is not to call a client till you have good news. Well, you have no good news.

But I have news for you, Ari Gold. Yes, you screwed up.

Yes, you were devious. Yes, you were conniving.

But, yes, you care.

I know that even when you throw the most hurtful h*m* slurs my way, that you really do care.

Vince knows that. Just remind him.

You're right, Lloyd. Look at this place.

75,000 square feet all built on my giving a f*ck.

Make the call. Tell every agent in this building to get prepared.

For what? For battle, Lloyd.

For battle.

Ari. Finally. Stay strong, Vin.

Hey.

Hey.

So we should talk.

Yeah, Ari, we should, but you're a tough man to get on the phone.

We should talk in person.

All right, I'll drop in. When can you be here?

20 minutes. See you then.

He's coming. I'm actually nervous.

That's cute, Ari. Get out of my office, Lloyd.

Should have just done it on the phone. It's the right thing to do.

Look him in the eye, let him know exactly why this is happening.

f*ck that. Avoid all contact, Vin.

Let him wonder for the rest of his life.

Courtney DeMayo ditched me on the phone in the first grade, and I'm still wondering and hurting. The phone break-up is so cruel.

Looking Ari in the eyes is not gonna be easy.

Yeah, and you know he's gonna beg.

I mean, it's so f*cking weird.

This is gonna be the last time we drive to Ari's.

Yep. Don't do it.

What?

I think it's a mistake.

You saw what all those cookie-cutter guys were like today.

They're all the same. An agent by nature is a lying, money-hungry cocksucker.

That's the breed, and Ari is best in breed.

How do we know that, Drama? We've never been with anybody else.

I have. I've had 15 different agents over the years, and only that few, 'cause I'm a loyal guy.

Sounds like you don't want to get dropped from another agency when Vince moves on.

Please, Turtle, if my pilot gets picked up, I could sign with anyone I want, and you know what?

I'd stay with Ari. 'Cause we know where we stand with him.

He was there from the beginning.

What are you thinking? I'm thinking he's right.

I mean, Ari's been good to us. He's not like all those other guys.

We know him. He's our friend.

But he did f*ck us on this.

And as our friend, he should say he's sorry.

Maybe he will, Vince. Maybe he will.

What's up, Lloyd? Mr. Chase.

Mr. Chase? Ari wants me to do that today.

Now let's head in. They're waiting for you in the conference room.

They?

We'll be out here enjoying the perfect-10 amenities.

You know, even Lloyd's starting to grow on me.

Oh, you think Lloyd's cute, Drama?

You know what I mean, assh*le.

Gentlemen, welcome.

What is this, Ari? Yeah, Ari.

I thought this was supposed to be more of a face to face thing.

It is, Vinnie, it is. It's you face-to-face with the face of this entire agency.

Gentlemen, please sit down.

Right now, Vince, phones here are ringing off the hook, and clients are wondering where their agents are.

And you know where they are? Yeah, they're in here.

Exactly, and you wanna know why?

It's because we are 100% committed to giving Vincent Chase all that he needs.

Vinnie, you do not need to hear about the past today.

I'm not gonna bore you with the details of the past five years and all that we've done together.

I don't even need to talk about the fact that I found you and brought you from obscurity to superstardom.

Yeah, good thing he didn't mention that.

Yeah, really. What you see before you, Vince, is a full-service agency:

TV division, music division, reality division.

God forbid, Johnny Drama's pilot does not go, boom, he's on "The Surreal Life," one phone call.

We wanna make you bigger than movies, Vince.

We wanna take you international.

Microsoft, McDonald's, Vincent Chase.

Brand-name recognition.

What do you think?

I think I need to think.

Vince.

It's pathetic, Ari.

Vince, what are you doing?

Ari, I didn't need the whole dog and pony show.

I really thought you were different from everyone else.

Vince, I am. Ari, you do things your own way and you don't give a sh*t what we think about it.

I do give a sh*t. You should have seen me today, begging and pleading, trying to get you that movie back.

But it's gone. The past is the past. Let's look to the future.

You're unreal. I mean, even after you f*ck up like this, you can't even muster the strength to just, as my friend, look me in the face and say "I'm sorry."

That's all you wanted? That's all I wanted.

Then I'm sorry, Vin.

It's too late.

Vince. Ari.

You're fired. Let's roll.