03x19 - The Prince's Bride

[bunniefuu]

Hello? Hello.

Good morning, boys, it's Lloyd. Morning, Lloyd.

Lloyd, listen. I don't think Vince is up yet, but we're still on for Ari, right?

Absolutely, he'll meet you at noon.

And sorry to bother you, E, but I'm actually calling for Johnny.

Oh, okay.

It looks like you're gonna have to get used to two superstars living in the house now, E.

Yeah. All right, later.

What's up, Lloyd? All good things, Johnny.

Brett Ratner saw your new TV show and he wants to offer you a part in his new movie.

An offer? No audition? You're kidding.

I'm not kidding! Sound good?

Sounds amazing. Thanks, Lloyd.

"Rush Hour 3," huh, Johnny? That is sweet.

Yeah, could be. Brett wants me to come up to Casa del Ratner to discuss the role. Nice, Drama. What is it?

I don't know, but I'm gonna tell him straight up, it better be something I can sink my teeth into

'cause Johnny Drama don't shine shoes no more.

Oh, someone's getting a little cocky.

No cockiness here, Turtle, just the confidence that gainful employment can give a man.

Amazing Turtle's been able to stay confident this long without a job, huh?

Ha-ha, I knew my life would suck if Drama got a career before I did.

Maybe your life wouldn't suck so much if you called that girl Kelly.

I did call her. What are you talking about, Vince?

I'm seeing her today. She's got the house all to herself.

And you didn't tell us?

What, are you trying to play it cool, Turtle?

Well, unlike him, I don't like to brag about my accomplishments.

You know what? Speaking of which, Johnny, you may not wanna do too much bragging at your day job.

People tend to get jealous.

Good tip, bro. TV people are so bitter.

I'm out! Hey, congrats!

Okay, so now everyone has so much excitement, what are we gonna do?

Ari's got a money guy who says he's dying to fund "Medellin."

Do you believe him? Do I ever?

So what, this guy's a prince, Ari?

A prince, an arms dealer, a coke dealer, who knows?

What I do know is that 60 million to him is like lunch at the lvy to you and me.

That's me and Vince, not you and me, E.

Jesus. It's impressive, huh?

Is that the Mrs. Prince?

Nika Marx... ex-Ukrainian soap star.

I think she's the brains of the operation.

Ari! Ari!

Nika, how are you?

How do I look?

You know Vinny Chase? My boy.

Hello, Vince. Hello.

Big fan. Thank you. It's very nice to meet you.

My wife Nika. Big fan as well.

Thanks.

Oh, Vinny's manager, Eric Murphy.

Eric Murphy. Mm?

You have very tiny hands.

Come come, I prepared a feast on the veranda, huh?

Just imagine the one sheet... my face sandwiched between Tucker and Chan.

Like Joe Pesci in "Lethal 3"?

Only a whole lot prettier.

Damn, that is so cool, Drama.

You know, "Rush Hour" was the first Jackie Chan movie I ever saw.

Since then I've seen them all.

And Chris Tucker? Man, I would k*ll to be in that movie.

Yeah, who wouldn't, bro? I waited a long time for an op like this.

Take it from me, Tommy... you pay your dues, keep the faith, maybe your day will come also.

You think?

Who knows? The truth is this business is a f*cking crap sh**t.

Hey, everybody, got some bad news... network brass is running late.

How late? It could be a few hours.

But, JJ, I've got my thing.

What thing? You know, my thing.

Oh, right, you've got your big f*ck-my-TV-show-I've-got-a-movie-offer-

I-gotta-sit-down-with-the-hotshot- director thing.

Too bad you gotta miss it.

James!

Aw, just kidding!

Hey, we're all thrilled for you, Drama. Congrats.

Oh, you didn't have to do that.

Don't get too cozy with your new friends, we've got a night sh**t.

Don't worry, JJ. I'll be there.

I'm not gonna pull a Clooney... not yet.

Hey. Hi.

So uh, nobody's home? Nope.

Oh, sh*t.

I thought you guys were going to the Aquarium.

We got kicked out, baby. Your brothers threw a snow cone at a sea otter.

Who's the white boy, Kelly? Yeah, Kelly?

Who's the white boy?

Shut the hell up and get in the house.

You're in enough trouble already.

What's going on here?

Nothing. We were just gonna hang out.

Yeah? Yeah.

So let's hang out.

What do you think of Sylvester Stallone as Pablo Escobar's father, huh?

Why are you laughing? What do you guys think, huh?

If he survives "Rocky 6" without brain damage, it's something to consider.

Sylvester Stallone just doesn't feel right, Yair.

But he sells foreign. And if he does it shirtless, just imagine how many women will come to see this movie.

She's making fun of me.

Hey, but did Ari explain to you how I make my money?

Oh, no.

May I please speak?

Hmm.

I make my money abroad, the States are just a bonus for me.

And you... you may laugh at Sly Stallone, but in France he makes me $5 million.

How much does Vince make you? Not much.

Yeah. Hey, unless you are in your Aquaman suit, Vince... you know, flippity floppity... the rest of the world does not really know who you are.

The world will know soon enough. They will, if we make this movie right. We wanna make it right.

Boom, let's call the lawyers and get the ink flowing.

Hey hey, settle down, Ari.

Now, do you understand my position?

Yes, I do, but just so you understand ours, we bought this project so we can make it the way we see it.

So you're saying no to Stallone, huh?

No no, he's not saying no. Vinny, he... you know, we're just talking.

Actually, I am saying no, Ari... respectfully, of course.

I love your commitment to your vision, Vincent, and I say no to my husband quite often.

We will find a way to make this movie and we will make it right. We shall see, huh?

Until then, cheers, huh?

Perfect. Salud, I'chaim! Salud.

Prost.

Hello, ladies... Johnny Chase, official cast member, "Rush Hour 3."

Nice.

Oh, Brett, I can get used to this.

Hi, I'm Mr. Ratner's assistant. Can I help you?

Johnny Chase, here to see Brett.

Yes, Mr. Chase from "The Five Towns."

Brett's excited to meet you. He's finishing a photo sh**t.

Let me tell him you're here, okay? Hey, Lana?

Yeah? Please give Mr. Chase a neck massage and get him a drink. Sure.

Tell Brett Johnny Chase has arrived.

In more ways than one.

Marissa, you have the best ass in the world. Stick it out a little, great.

Excellent. Ooh, put your leg up on the motorcycle.

Brett. Love it. I got it.

Johnny Chase is here. Where is he? Do me a favor.

Why are there Krispy Kreme doughnuts here? I don't understand.

These are supermodels, not teamsters. Where is he?

He's the guy right there, getting a drink.

That's not him. It isn't?

Are you a f*cking idiot? That's not him.

Give me the camera.

Good one, Lindsey.

Very funny. Open up.

I knew you were lying.

Yeah. "We're just friends." Yeah, right.

You're just using us to suck up to our mom.

What?

Yeah, you're just a dirty, horny sex man like all the others. Nasty man.

Okay, he's out. You kids got yourselves an hour or so.

Go have some fun. You sure?

Should I not be?

Come on, Turtle, before you put your foot in your mouth.

Thank you so much. Mm-hmm.

A simple thank you is all I'm looking for...

Russian, Hebrew, Farsi, I don't care. Anything'll suffice.

Thank you for what, Ari? He said he'd think about it.

That just meant he's not gonna let his wife make him look like a little bitch.

He's in, trust me. What do you think, Vin?

I think the wife freaked me out.

Yeah. She was a little cold, no? A little warm actually.

What do you mean, Vinny?

Did you not see the way she was looking at me?

Looking at you? She was wearing sunglasses.

Still looking. Believe me... it was very uncomfortable.

He thinks everyone wants to f*ck him. Everyone does, no?

Although I don't know what you're talking about.

Me either.

Hey, nobody would be happier than me if you two were right... trust me.

I don't understand, Lloyd. It's like you're speaking in a foreign tongue.

They misread the credits, Johnny. It was a simple mistake.

These things happen. Not to me, not anymore.

I'm on a hit TV show now. Johnny, don't get crazy.

They said the part is for a 17-year-old.

They meant to offer it to your little brother on the show.

Tommy? Tommy's gonna be in "Rush Hour 3" and I'm not?

Jesus Christ. Be happy for him, Drama... karma.

f*ck karma, I don't need karma. What do you need, Johnny?

I need to be in "Rush Hour 3."

Okay, sweetie, I'm ready to press on.

Uh, excuse me, Mr. Chase. Yes?

Was that your agent? It was.

He told you about the mistake?

He did. So... uh, why... why are you still here?

Because I didn't make the mistake.

No, Mr. Chase, you didn't. I did.

I screwed up and misread the credits.

I'm... I'm terribly sorry.

Well, sorry ain't gonna cut it, pal.

Let me tell you something my father told me...

"The best thing to do with mistakes is to not make them."

But since you did, the least you can is fix it.

Ho... how would you like me to fix it?

Find me a part in "Rush Hour 3." Mr. Chase, I...

You can tell Brett or whoever your skipper is that I'm not leaving here until you do.

Okay.

Check, please. Thank you.

Turtle, I'm still eating. It's been an hour already.

Please stop worrying about my dad.

His bark is worse than his bite, trust me.

Besides, he'd only really be mad if he thought you were trying to get into his little girl's pants.

And that's not what you're trying to do, right?

Of course not, you're wearing a skirt.

Just so you know, it's gonna take a long time to get into whatever I'm wearing.

You have to earn it.

How?

You can start by taking off your hat.

Wow, I must really like you.

You have hat head.

That's great. No, it's cute.

Really? Really.

This is just like when you thought Mrs. Rodrigo wanted to f*ck you in 10th grade. Yes, it's exactly like that because you thought she didn't. Did you f*ck Mrs. Rodrigo?

Hand jobs in the Spanish lab every Tuesday.

You never told me that.

I'm very quiet about these things.

What, are you jealous? A little... she was hot.

Still is... she calls me every once in a while for phone sex.

Oh, look at this... Nika Marx calling my cell phone and not yours.

She doesn't have my number.

What are you talking about? I saw you give it to her.

No, I gave her the one-digit-off move.

Oh, that's a girl move.

It's the whoever's-being- treated-like-meat move.

Hello. Eric, it's Nika.

Hey, how are you? Is Vince there?

I have some excellent news and I'd like to tell it to him personally.

Sure, hold on.

She wants to talk to you.

She's got excellent news.

Take it.

Hello, Nika, how are you?

I apologize for calling your partner, Vincent, but I somehow took your number down incorrectly.

No worries... I never answer my phone, anyway.

We want to make this movie, Vincent.

Fantastic.

Mmm, does that excite you?

Yes, it does, very much so. They're in.

I just have one small concern... creatively. I'd like you to meet me at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel in an hour and we'll discuss.

Is this okay? Sure.

Oh, one more thing, Vincent... Yes, Nika?

Come alone.

Ciao.

Don't look now, honey, but you're about to get gammoned.

Bring it on, TV star.

Ooh, low blow.

But not a TV star after today... hopefully.

Uh, Johnny, can I have a word with you a sec?

Oh, hey, Brett. Uh, excuse me, ladies. The big guy needs a word.

Brett, there was an extra suit in the pool house.

I hope you don't mind. My assistant said you won't leave.

Why would I wanna leave a paradise like this?

Such a beautiful home you have... and so tastefully done, Brett.

Really, a class look you've got going here.

What's wrong with you? Are you Ret*rded or something?

Just following in your footsteps, Brett.

My footsteps? Yup.

You talked your way into NYU film school at 16 with a C average, you got Spielberg to give you cash to direct your first student film.

You're a man who won't take no for an answer.

You know what, Brett? Neither will I.

Scott. You want me to call the cops?

Dry him off, bring him up to the house.

And no wet feet.

Scott, you wanna get me a towel?

Why are you walking so fast?

Come on, you look like an athlete... keep up.

You really wanna get me home fast, it's not the walk to the car that matters, it's the drive home. What does that mean?

Means you drive slow. Oh yeah, right.

Give me the keys.

All right.

Let's see what you got, hotshot.

Thank you.

You're out of your mind.

I haven't even opened her up yet.

You're doing 106.

You nervous? No.

110. All right, maybe a little.

I don't know why you want me to go with you.

Even if she does wanna f*ck you, it's a hotel bar.

What could she possibly do? Convince me.

You know I have a thing for Eastern-bloc women.

Yeah. Just pretend like you didn't understand her.

I'll tell her the phone cut out. There she is.

Hey, Nika.

How are you?

What is the meaning of this?

Uh, what's that? I asked you to come alone.

Oh... So why you bring the little man?

Well... it's a creative meeting, and as a producer, I just thought I should...

Creative meeting is something I do alone with my actors.

It gives me a chance to speak with them free of distractions of producers who may have their own agenda.

We're all on the same page here, Nika.

We will be on the same page when you leave.

You can pick Vince up in two hours.

That should be plenty of time.

I-I'd really like to stay. I won't say anything.

Could be like a babysitter. Why do we need a babysitter?

You know, just to make sure everything stays appropriate.

What is it you thought was going to happen here, Vincent?

Nothing, I just...

Nothing. Nika... I'm talking to Vincent.

As far as I am concerned, you're not even here.

You think I was trying to seduce you.

Is this why you bring your little chaperone... for protection?

Because you assume I want to f*ck?

You Americans are such conceited, self-absorbed pigs.

You have made a terrible mistake.

Maybe she didn't wanna f*ck.

I told everyone I work with and everyone in my family that I'm doing this movie. Now what am I supposed to tell them when they see the kid brother from my show dropping "F" bombs with Chris Tucker?

I feel for you, I do, but I've got nothing in this movie for you.

The only parts I got are French.

Je parle français. I speak it, Brett.

John... I'll do it for free!

Johnny... I'll pay you.

Jesus Christ. All right, seriously.

What if I fly myself out, put myself up, you give me a little something; if I don't deliver, you cut it. Or cut it anyway.

As long as I'm on the call sheet and listed on IMDB, we're all good. You're telling me you're gonna spend 20 grand to go to Paris for a part that I might end up cutting?

Such is my passion for movies.

Congrats. You can play the bus driver on the Champs-Élysées.

Yes! Ici venez, frère!

That's French for "Come here, bro."

All right, all right. You good?

Oh, yeah. You'll leave?

Yeah, I'll leave.

Actually, I need you to let me do one more thing.

What the f*ck did you guys do?

Nothing, really. We just showed up at the bar and she inferred a lot from that without any help from us.

Was she right? Was her inference right?

She can't prove that.

Yair Marx is not a guy you want angry with you.

Yair Marx is on the phone. Jesus Christ.

Yair, we making a movie or not?

You heard about Vincent and Nika's creative meeting?

Oh, no, not yet. I just got out of a meeting myself and I just jumped in to take your call.

It went very well. We want to make this movie.

We want to have you all to the house tonight for a check-signing dinner celebration.

Sounds great. 8:00 p.m., Ari. Ciao.

That was an odd turn.

Do you think he's setting us up?

For what? What do you think, the guy's a k*ller?

He's not a k*ller, is he, Ari?

I don't know what he is, Vince. He could be Mossad, he could be Hezbollah... neither would surprise me.

f*ck him then. We don't need to get involved with a guy like that.

Oh, E, yes we do. We just sold the house.

We don't even have a place to live.

We need somebody to pay for this movie and this guy's gonna do it... trust me!

So what else do I gotta do?

Well, you'd have to tell me your real name.

What? Do you think I'd have sex with someone saying, "Oh, Turtle"?

Daddy, Kelly's jerking off another boy in the car!

What are you talking about jerking off? We're just kissing!

And what does he mean by "another" one?

I'd better go. Turtle!

Yeah, me too!

I'll call you.

Oh, there he is. Hey.

The movie star. How'd it go, Johnny?

How do you think it went? I went, I saw, I conquered. Nice.

Eh, so nice in fact, I had time to look out for one of our own.

Hey, Tommy, can I talk to you for a second?

I dropped your name to Brett. Really?

Yeah, and Chris and Jackie too.

Anyway, you might wanna keep your cell phone on, 'cause we might be traveling to Paris together.

Holy sh*t! Are you serious?

Oh, I don't... I don't even know what to say.

I do.

Say if you get it, the plane tickets are on you.

Absolutely.

I owe you, Drama.

You do indeed, Tommy.

My chef is the best in the world.

You know, I stole him from Le Cirque.

You tell anyone, Yair, or is there still an amber alert out on the guy?

Yes, cute, Ari. Offer the dessert, already.

William! Voilà, bring the dessert, huh?

No no no no. No dessert for me. I'm full.

Yeah, me too, I'm completely stuffed.

Yeah, you don't get this figure by eating desserts.

You gentlemen will want this, huh?

Wow.

Rich.

Help yourself, Vincent.

"Medellin," huh? "Medellin"!

"Medellin," yeah! All right. Cheers.

Thank you so much, really.

Thank you, Nika.

I'll be upstairs.

She hasn't been feeling well, huh?

Come, let us take our drinks out in the garden, huh?

The view is spectacular, huh?

Eh, hang back with me for a moment, Vince.

I'd like to speak with you. Sure. What's up?

You are excited to make this movie, yes?

I can't tell you how appreciative I am.

Listen. I know what happened today... with my wife. You know?

Mmm.

I feel terrible. Hey hey, imagine how terrible I felt to see this beautiful woman come home heartbroken and in tears.

You know, in 1990, she was voted Eastern Europe's most beautiful... over Paulina Porizkova. I'm sorry.

Yeah, you need to apologize... not to me, but to her.

Yeah, no problem.

Good.

She's upstairs waiting for you... in the bedroom.

Are... are you serious?

Vincent, I never joke about my wife's happiness.

What she wants, I get for her.

Now if you want this check to clear, you will go upstairs and you will f*ck my wife like the superstar you are while I stay down here and play billiards with your friends, huh?

Ari, those are my Cubans!